"If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship"
— Terry Pratchett

"After a good-looking boy gives you rabies two, three times, you'll settle down and marry somebody less exciting for the rest of your life"
— Chuck Palahniuk

"I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it.
It's just getting out of one car, and into another"
— John Lennon

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"
— John Lennon

"I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician"
— Charlie Chaplin

"You are my desire.
Eating your luscious love thoughts
My Junk Just Dropped Off"
— Christopher Moore

"Stuff your eyes with wonder . . . live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories"
— Ray Bradbury

"Only a brave person is willing to honestly admit, and fearlessly to face, what a sincere and logical mind discovers
"
— Rodan of Alexandria

"Given the choice between grabbing a strange tongue and watching a monster poop into a giant snail shell, the face retreats and slams the door behind it"
— Chuck Palahniuk

"She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it."
— Christopher Moore (You Suck: A Love Story)

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it."
— Terry Pratchett

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."
— Terry Pratchett

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."
— Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
— Terry Pratchett (Sourcery)

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind."
— Terry Pratchett (Reaper Man)

"He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
— Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

"One day a tortoise will learn how to fly."
— Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
— Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws."
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bog-gglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'
`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
`Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
"
— Douglas Adams

"'Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never would.'"
— Susanna Clarke (Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell)

"Fairy tales, are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated."
— G.K. Chesterton

"...hysteria is impossible without an audience. Panicking by yourself is the same as laughing alone in an empty room. You feel really silly."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
- Tyler Durden"
— Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club: A Novel)

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"The road to hell is paved with adverbs."
— Stephen King

"I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
— Stephen King

"Find good in what the world says is evil."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"He was assaulting the world by assaulting himself."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Choke)

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
— Chuck Palahniuk

"You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)

"Mr. Robinson was a polished sort of person. He was so clean and healthy and pleased about everything that he positively shone - which is only to be expected in a fairy or an angel, but is somewhat disconcerting in an attorney."
— Susanna Clarke (Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell)

"Reality is in the business of killing off fiction."
— Will Christopher Baer (Phineas Poe: Kiss Me Judas, Penny Dreadful, Hell's Half Acre)

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

"Humor is reason gone mad."
— Groucho Marx

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
— Groucho Marx

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
— Groucho Marx

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. "
— Groucho Marx

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. "
— Groucho Marx

"Something about the way she moves through the world does not lend itself to the care of fragile objects."
— Chelsea Cain (Heartsick)

"“Everything you want in life has teeth.”"
— Jonathan Carroll (From the Teeth of Angels)

"I forgive nothing. If you stole my orange crayon in the fifth grade, you're still on my hit list, buddy."
— Jonathan Carroll (Bones of the Moon)

"The only way to make beauty ugly is to show it's crazy. Like twisting the top off a jar of something wonderful to eat, the moment he's hit by the terrible smell of it gone bad, even the hungriest person will drop the jar in the trash without a second thought."
— Jonathan Carroll

"Kids own nothing. Everything is either promised, borrowed, longed for or exaggerated. "
— Jonathan Carroll