"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
— Jerry Seinfeld

"procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday"
— don marquis via archy

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Got that?"
— Coach Brevin - Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

"Never regret something that once made you smile."
— Amber Deckers

"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.

Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

"Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
— dilbert

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? "
— Jean Cocteau

"The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'."
— Hal Eaton

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
— Jean Kerr

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
— Agatha Christie

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. "
— George Bernard Shaw

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
— Oscar Levant

"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
— Bertrand Russell

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
— Robin P. Williams

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.""
— Robin P. Williams

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
— Albert Einstein

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
— Mark Twain

"One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
— Plato

"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
— George Carlin

"The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
— George Carlin

"Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass."
— Jon Stewart

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
— Jerry Seinfeld

"Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'"
— Jerry Seinfeld

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?"
— Chris Rock

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
— Steven Wright

"I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
— Ashleigh Brilliant

"Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we"."
— Mark Twain

"All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people."
— Will Cuppy

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
— Dave Barry

"Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. "
— Jeff Dunham

"Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!"
— Jeff Dunham

"Jeff: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell! "
— Jeff Dunham

"Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff: What would you do?
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!
Walter: Have a nice day!"
— Jeff Dunham

"Walter: Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!"
— Jeff Dunham

"Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me! "
— Jeff Dunham

"Jeff: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light."
— Jeff Dunham

"Silence! I kill you!"
— Jeff Dunham

"You're the other white meat!"
— Jeff Dunham

"The more you learn, the more you know; the more you know, the more you forget; the more you forget, the less you know. So why learn?"
— Lessons in Logic

"There are three sides to any argument. Your side, my side, and the right side (which is also my side)."
— Morgan Wallace

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
— Margaret Mead

"Let things be. If people need to, they will learn things the hard way. You can't stop them, only help them afterwards."
— Morgan Wallace

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'"
— George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
— George Carlin

"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."
— George Carlin

"I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate."
— George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath."
— George Carlin