Ron's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 169)

"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen. "
— Dolly Parton

tags: fashion, gender
20 people liked it

""If I see something saggin', baggin', or draggin', I'm gone have it nipped, tucked, or sucked!""
— Dolly Parton

7 people liked it

"every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn't "
— Dan Savage

5 people liked it

"The truly revolutionary promise of our nation's founding document is the freedom to pursue happiness-with-a-capital-H. "
— Dan Savage (Skipping Towards Gomorrah)

tags: first-sentence, happiness, politics
15 people liked it

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."
— Stephen King (Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay)

tags: god, humor, religion
884 people liked it

"The road to hell is paved with adverbs."
— Stephen King

tags: -on, from, writing-
304 people liked it

"If you liked being a teenager, there's something really wrong with you."
— Stephen King

138 people liked it

"Books are a uniquely portable magic."
— Stephen King

87 people liked it

"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries."
— Stephen King

54 people liked it

"Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics."
— Stephen King

tags: children
44 people liked it

"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."
— Jon Stewart

tags: humor, religion
314 people liked it

"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."
— Jon Stewart

tags: christianity, humor, religion
177 people liked it

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."
— Jon Stewart

tags: ashcroft, civil-rights, funny
103 people liked it

"You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."
— Jon Stewart

tags: democracy, government, humor, politics
132 people liked it

"Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!"
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

tags: animals, vegetarian
57 people liked it

"It is a well know fact that reality has liberal bias"
— Stephen Colbert

57 people liked it

"I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!"
— Stephen Colbert

18 people liked it

"If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable."
— Stephen Colbert

27 people liked it

"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good."
— Stephen Colbert

tags: history
37 people liked it

"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."
— Stephen Colbert (I Am America: And So Can You!)

tags: humor
16 people liked it

"I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory"
— Stephen Colbert

12 people liked it

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage."
— Stephen Colbert

20 people liked it

"Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!"
— Stephen Colbert

6 people liked it

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."
— David Sedaris

tags: humor, perception, retardation
409 people liked it

"We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail."
— David Sedaris (Naked)

tags: affection, alcohol, drinking, emotion, humor
207 people liked it

"On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind."
— David Sedaris

tags: christmas, holidays, santa-claus
17 people liked it

"I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer."
— David Sedaris

tags: animals, deer, possessions
24 people liked it

"On Undecided Voters: "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."
— David Sedaris

tags: obama, politics, undecided, vote, voters
41 people liked it

"It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking."
— David Sedaris (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)

32 people liked it

"As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where he went to nursery school. His family left there in the midsixties and moved to the Congo. After that, it was Ethiopia, and then Somalia, all fine places in his opinion.
'Let's save Africa and the Middle East for when I decide to quit living,' I said."
— David Sedaris (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)

9 people liked it

"Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!'"
— David Sedaris

30 people liked it

"Despite his consistent party-line voting record, some independents and Democrats still think of Senator McCain as the most palatable, independent-minded Republican. But this is the sort of empty compliment a friend of mine once compared to being called “the coolest Osmond.”"
— Sarah Vowell

15 people liked it

""I talk about going to [George W. Bush's] Inauguration and crying
when he took the oath, 'cause I was so afraid he was going to
'wreck the economy and muck up the drinking water'... the failure of
my pessimistic imagination at that moment boggles my mind now.""
— Sarah Vowell

19 people liked it

"My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice."
— Amy Sedaris (I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence)

tags: advice, life, mothers
10 people liked it

"Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!"
— Lewis Black

18 people liked it

"I was raised right....to talk about people behind their backs....it's called manners. "
— Kathy Griffin

tags: etiquette, humor, manners
16 people liked it

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
— Albert Einstein

tags: imagination, inspirational
5,572 people liked it

"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. "
— John Adams

52 people liked it

"Posterity! You will never know how much it cost the present Generation to preserve your Freedom! I hope you will make good use of it. If you do not, I shall repent in Heaven, that I ever took half the Pains to preserve it."
— John Adams

24 people liked it

"Let the human mind loose. It must be loose. It will be loose. Superstition and dogmatism cannot confine it."
— John Adams

9 people liked it

"But a Constitution of Government once changed from Freedom, can never be restored. Liberty, once lost, is lost forever."
— John Adams

tags: government, liberty
24 people liked it

"Power must never be trusted without a check."
— John Adams

17 people liked it

"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion."
— John Adams

12 people liked it

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria."
— Benjamin Franklin

tags: humor
107 people liked it

"The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself."
— Benjamin Franklin

32 people liked it

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
— Mark Twain

tags: literacy
5,977 people liked it

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
— Mark Twain

tags: individuality, majority, minority, pause, reflect, wisdom
6,043 people liked it

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
— Mark Twain

tags: education
3,058 people liked it

"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
— Mark Twain

tags: truth
2,173 people liked it

"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
— Rita Rudner

5 people liked it

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