"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. "
— W.C. Fields

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
— Douglas Adams (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

"Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving?"
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
— Oscar Levant

"Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company."
— Mark Twain

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
— Mark Twain

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life."
— Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"
— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
— Bertrand Russell

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

"A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar."
— Carolyn G. Heilbrun

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds."
— Douglas Adams

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."
— Bill Watterson

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
— Lemony Snicket

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."
— David Sedaris

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business."
— Tom Robbins

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."
— Isaac Asimov

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
— Flannery O'Connor

"Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. "
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness."
— Lemony Snicket

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
— Woody Allen

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."
— Terry Pratchett

"Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you."
— Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident."
— Mark Twain

"There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)"
— D.J. MacHale (The Quillan Games)

"Inigo: I donna suppose you could speed things up?

Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say."
— Laurie Halse Anderson (Speak)

"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny."
— Frank Zappa

"“Meow” means “woof” in cat. "
— George Carlin

"Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhyming now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
— Steven Wright

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind."
— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (Don Quixote)

"I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence."
— Edgar Allan Poe

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."
— H.L. Mencken

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."
— Ellen DeGeneres

"Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch"
— Janet Evanovich (Seven Up)