"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."
— Ambrose Bierce

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism."
— Carl Gustav Jung

"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean."
— Mark Twain

"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. "
— George Orwell

"What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public."
— Vilhjalmur Stefansson

"Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought."
— Emily Dickinson

"I am in the prime of senility."
— Benjamin Franklin

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? "
— Satchel Paige

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."
— Ann Landers

"A man may take to drink because he feels himself a failure, but then fail all the more completely because he drinks."
— George Orwell

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."
— Robert Orben

"Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists."
— H.L. Mencken

"When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. We are angry at each other much of the time."
— Charles de Gaulle

"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"
— George Carlin

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel. "
— Matt Groening

"Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -- the apathy of human beings."
— Helen Keller

"There is no good arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat."
— James Russell Lowell

"By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece."
— G.K. Chesterton

"The more minimal the art, the more maximum the explanation. "
— Hilton Kramer

"Nothing is really so poor and melancholy as art that is interested in itself and not in its subject."
— George Santayana

"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way to make life more bearable."
— Kurt Vonnegut (A Man Without a Country)

"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
— Lily Tomlin

"To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition."
— Woody Allen

"He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him), and took a sort of pleasure in thinking that human affairs would never improve."
— George Orwell

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. "
— Jack Benny

"90% of the game is half mental."
— Yogi Berra

"If the fans don’t wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop ‘em. "
— Yogi Berra

"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? "
— Jim Bouton

"Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching."
— Tris Speaker

"Although he is a very poor fielder, he is a very poor hitter.

"
— Ring Lardner

"Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa."
— Casey Stengel

"Mister, that boy couldn’t hit the ground if he fell out of an airplane."
— Casey Stengel

"Beauty is not caused. It is."
— Emily Dickinson

"The absence of a flaw in beauty is itself a flaw. "
— Havelock Ellis

"I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? "
— Jean Kerr

"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness."
— Leo Tolstoy

"There is a great deal of difference in believing something still, and believing it again."
— W.H. Auden

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "
— George Carlin

"One person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests."
— John Stuart Mill

"If we believe absurdities we shall commit atrocities."
— Voltaire

"If there were a verb meaning "to believe falsely," it would not have any significant first person, present indicative."
— Ludwig Wittgenstein

"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages."
— Jacques Deval

"I hope you love birds too. It is economical. It saves going to heaven."
— Emily Dickinson

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."
— Grace Allen

"It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister."
— Abigail Van Buren

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
— Ambrose Bierce

"The oldest books are still only just out to those who have not read them.
"
— Samuel Butler

"To be a book-collector is to combine the worst characteristics of a dope fiend with those of a miser."
— Robertson Davies

"I have read your book and much like it. "
— Moses Hadas

"This book fills a much-needed gap."
— Moses Hadas