"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
— Bill Gates

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

"Here’s the thing… I’ve already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

"There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
— Bertrand Russell

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
— Groucho Marx

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

"Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

"If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember."
— Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies)

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
— Lily Tomlin

"Fall down again, Bella?'
'No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.'"
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."
— Charles M. Schulz

"My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
— Winston S. Churchill

"Penguins, lovely."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"Edward - I wasn't about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.
Bella - So let's say my bad luck did crash the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?
Edward - Why is the plane crashing?
He was trying to hide a smile now.
Bella - The pilots are passed out drunk.
Edward - Easy. I'd fly the plane.
Of course. I pursed my lips and tried again.
Bella - Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.
Edward - I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.
I stared at him wordlessly.
"What?" he whispered."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

"When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle."
— Dr. Seuss (Fox in Socks)

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason "
— Jerry Seinfeld

"Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?
— Riley Poole"
— Ann Lloyd (National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: The Junior Novel)

"Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]

Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!"
— Bill Watterson

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
— Abraham Lincoln

"I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out."
— Michael Scott

"Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)

"(Media question to Beatles during first U.S. tour 1964)
'How do you find America?'
'Turn left at Greenland.'"
— Ringo Starr

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?"
— Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)

"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
— Carl Sagan

"I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
— Mark Twain

"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

"You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car - not even one of the popular ones - and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense."
— Michael Scott

"I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."
— Jon Stewart

"Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who i was."
— D.J. MacHale

"If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak."
— Charles M. Schulz

"Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you're sitting around on the couch."
— Jamba Juice Cup

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice."
— James Patterson (Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports)

"“Yes!” said Fang, punching the air. “Freaks rule.”"
— James Patterson (The Angel Experiment)

"'You...are...a...fridge...with wings,' Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. 'We're...freaking...ballet...dancers.'"
— James Patterson (School's Out - Forever)

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
— Jerry Seinfeld

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
— Yogi Berra

"Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
— Fats Domino

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
— Albert Einstein

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)