Shelby's quotes

(showing 1-50 of 141)

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
— Mark Twain

tags: lies, lying, memory, truth
9,374 people liked it

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

tags: humor, insanity, life
9,497 people liked it

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, procrastination
5,625 people liked it

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
— Miss Piggy

tags: humor
5,683 people liked it

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
— Albert Einstein

tags: reality
2,125 people liked it

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."
— Charles M. Schulz

tags: humor, mankind, people
3,160 people liked it

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," He murmured.
"What a stupid lamb, " I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."
— Stephenie Meyer

tags: idiotic-book, love, romance, romantic
5,603 people liked it

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
— Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

tags: humor, proverb
2,016 people liked it

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

tags: books, friends, friendship, life
3,902 people liked it

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
— Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life
2,730 people liked it

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know'."
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, knowledge
1,465 people liked it

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
— Bill Watterson (The Complete Calvin and Hobbes)

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor, life
2,642 people liked it

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
— Thomas Stephen Szasz

tags: humor, inspirational
1,622 people liked it

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
— Woody Allen

tags: humor, life, sex
1,056 people liked it

"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
— Jerome K. Jerome

tags: humor, work
1,123 people liked it

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
— Mark Twain

tags: humor, satan
1,170 people liked it

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
— Douglas Adams

tags: humor, wit
1,431 people liked it

"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
— Mae West

tags: humor, temptation
1,102 people liked it

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."
— Orson Welles

tags: food, humor
698 people liked it

"People, generally, suck."
— Christopher Moore

tags: humor
647 people liked it

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
— George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth
1,377 people liked it

"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
— Jerry Seinfeld

tags: books, funny
543 people liked it

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
— Phyllis Diller

tags: anger, funny, sleep
778 people liked it

"Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.’”"
— Rachel Caine (The Dead Girls' Dance)

tags: funny, morganvillevampires, sweet
84 people liked it

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
In at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
Heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
They wake up dead, there'll be a record."
"
— Mark S. Fowler

tags: funny, stupid, wow
6 people liked it

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
— Cathy Guisewite

tags: eyes, funny, lemons
518 people liked it

"You cant be late if you never show up."
— Samanth Bucher and Shelby Pigg

tags: silly
2 people liked it

"you can't lose if you get disqualified."
— Samantha Bucher and Shelby Pigg

tags: silly
1 person liked it

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
— Groucho Marx

tags: classic-insult
379 people liked it

"A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent."
— William Blake

tags: lies, logic, philosophy, religion, truth
90 people liked it

"“Apparently people don't like the truth, but I do like it; I like it because it upsets a lot of people. If you show them enough times that their arguments are bullshit, then maybe just once, one of them will say, 'Oh! Wait a minute - I was wrong.' I live for that happening. Rare, I assure you.”"
— Lemmy of Motorhead

tags: philosophy
13 people liked it

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."
— Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

tags: funny, humour
207 people liked it

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss

tags: dreams, love, reality, sleep
10,349 people liked it

"It is often in the darkest
skies that we see the
brightest stars."
— Richard Evans

tags: hope
42 people liked it

"The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers."
— Ann Coulter (If Democrats had Any Brains, They'd be Republicans)

tags: humor, politics
11 people liked it

"Fall down again, Bella?'
'No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.'"
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

tags: humor
1,957 people liked it

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."
— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

tags: alice-cullen, humor
1,439 people liked it

"Penguins, lovely."
— Stephenie Meyer (Eclipse)

tags: edward-cullen, humor, penguins
939 people liked it

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
— W.C. Fields

tags: humor, success
927 people liked it

"Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'"
— Bill Watterson

tags: humor
201 people liked it

"I hear voices in my head and you're worried that you're the freak."
— Stephenie Meyer (Twilight)

tags: humor
1,083 people liked it

"I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out."
— Michael Scott

tags: funny, humor, office
220 people liked it

"We are born to love as we are born to die, and between the heartbeats of those two great mysteries lies all the tangled undergrowth of our tiny lives. There is nowhere to go but through. And so we walk on, lost, and lost again, in the mapless wilderness of love."
— Tim Farrington (The Monk Downstairs)

tags: fiction, love
34 people liked it

"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice."
— Robert Frost (Robert Frost's Poems)

tags: poetry
345 people liked it

"Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me...only he's an imbecile."
— Spider Robinson (Off the Wall at Callahan's)

tags: commentary, fiction, humor, science, social
89 people liked it

"When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."
— Cory Doctorow

tags: brother, humor, little
43 people liked it

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

tags: fantasy
3,955 people liked it

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
— Dr. Seuss

tags: troubles
372 people liked it

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man."
— Mark Twain

tags: animals, dogs
486 people liked it

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme."
— Mark Twain

tags: history
223 people liked it

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Lies
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Religion
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anger
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Philosophy
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classic-insult
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