"A room without books is like a body without a soul."
— Marcus Tullius Cicero

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."
— Marcus Tullius Cicero

""Life is like a sewer - you get out of it what you put into it." "
— Tom Lehrer

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."
— Tom Lehrer

"The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines...I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. And that's not funny....OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire."
— --Tom Lehrer, interview in the Sydney Morning Herald, 28 Feb 03

"Elementary, my dear Watson.
-Sherlock Holmes"
— Arthur Conan Doyle

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
— Arthur Conan Doyle

""Come, Watson, come!" he cried. The game is afoot.""
— Arthur Conan Doyle (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
— Mark Twain

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
— Mark Twain

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."
— Robert Maynard Hutchins

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
— Mark Twain

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
— Mark Twain

"Never laugh at live dragons"
— J.R.R. Tolkien

"All morning I struggled with the sensation of stray wisps of one world seeping through the cracks of another. Do you know the feeling when you start reading a new book before the membrane of the last one has had time to close behind you? You leave the previous book with ideas and themes -- characters even -- caught in the fibers of your clothes, and when you open the new book, they are still with you.
-- Margaret Lea"
— Diane Setterfield (The Thirteenth Tale)

"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

"Be a duck, remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
"
— Michael Caine

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

""I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal." (Holly Short)"
— Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)

""Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient."
(Artemis Fowl)"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

"Good. Illegal is always faster. (Butler, Artemis Fowl's bodygaurd)"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception)

"'Hey, look - your *girlfriend* is saying something.'
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? "
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl Boxed Set)

"A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl)

"What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?"
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

"Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident)

"I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal."
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

""Who are you?" he asked.
"I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue'"
— Eoin Colfer

""Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

""I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
"Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.""
— Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox)

"You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

It's really funny."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"So, there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.
"
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"By now, it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer's greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus, we get a kickback from the caffeine industry..."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Posicle, despite years of effort."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"Elend: "Each moment you fight is a gift to those in this cavern. Each second we fight is a second longer that thousands of people can draw breath. Each stroke of the sword, each koloss felled, each breath earned is another victory! It is a person protected for a moment longer, a life extended, an enemy frusturated!"
There was a brief pause.
"In the end they shall kill us. But first they shall fear us!""
— Brandon Sanderson (The Hero of Ages)

"Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. LIfe can be so tough sometimes."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones)

"Personally, I say, "Out of the frying pan and into the deadly pit filled with sharks who are wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them." However, that one's having a rough time catching on."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones)

"Authors also create lovable, friendly characters, then proceed to do terrible things to them, like throw them in unsightly librarian-controlled dungeons. This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"I froze, shocked. (And don't try to clam that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)"
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

"If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kind-hearted individual become a writer? Of course not."
— Brandon Sanderson (Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians)

""Sirrah, my companion chooses to engage you in knightly combat!" Halt said. The horseman stiffened, sitting upright in his saddle. Halt noticed that he nearly lost his balance at this unexpected piece of news.
"Nightly cermbat?" he replied, "Yewer cermpenion ers no knight!"
Halt nodded hugely, making sure the man could see the gesture.
"Oh yes he is!" he called back. "He is Sir Horace of the Order of the Feuille du Chene." He paused and muttered to himself, "Or should that have been Crepe du Chene? Never mind."
"What did you tell him?" Horace asked, slinging his buckler around from where it hung at his back and setting it on his left arm.
"I said you were Sir Horace of the Order of the Oakleaf." Halt said to him, then added uncertainly, "At least, I think that's what I told him. I may have said you were of the Order of the Oak Pancake.""
— John Flanagan

" "That taught us how to block a sword with two knives. But what if an ax man's coming at me?"
Gilan looked suspicious. "An ax man? I don't recommend trying to block an ax with two knives."
But Will wouldn't take no for an answer. "But what if he's charging at me?" Horace walked over.
Gilan looked away. "Uh...shoot him."
Horace intervened. "Can't, his bowstring's broken."
Gilan gritted his teeth. "Run and hide."
Will kept on him. "There's a sheer cliff behind me."
Horace caught on. "There's a sheer cliff behind him, and his bowstring's broken. What should he do?"
Gilan thought for a moment. "Jump off the cliff, it'll be less messy that way."
"
— John Flanagan (The Burning Bridge)

""at the time, King Herbert felt that to remain safe, the kingdom needed an effective intelligence force."

"An intelligent force?" said Will.

"Not intelligent. Intelligence. Although it does help if your intelligence force was also intelligent.""
— John Flanagan (The Ruins of Gorlan)

"Ever had a flying burrito hit you? Well, it's a deadly projectile, right up there with cannonballs and grenades."
— Rick Riordan (The Titan's Curse)

"It seemed weird calling a teenager 'sir' but I'd learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up."
— Rick Riordan

"In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day."
— Rick Riordan (The Titan's Curse)

"Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face. "
— Rick Riordan (The Lightning Thief)

"People are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true."
— Terry Goodkind (Wizard's First Rule)