Tlc's comments
(member since Jul 04, 2009)
Tlc's comments from the ¡ POETRY ! group.
(showing 1-3 of 3)
Your last couple lines intrigue me - And you have sat by And watched it happen Sweet dreams. I'm fascinated that the poem to the passive watcher seems to vent on them rather than the cause of the shattering. Hmmmm -perhaps get rid of the 2nd "And" and make it "watching it happen" (more active like the rest of your poem.) Intriguing - nicely done! Oh - "to far to go back" should have been "too far to go back" ? And I do agree with Passa that poetry is as much mind as heart, with the heart leading and the mind fine tuning.
Trice - loved the first version the best although the scuba-dying start didn't seem to tie in. I thought it was the father perspective in the first version which you definitely clarified in the 2nd version with dad sitting on the shore. Great work!Mickey - you gripped me up until the ending. Nice work on capturing the moment. Thanks for sharing - awesome & inspiring.
Hello! I agree with Richard that this looks like a safe place to share poetry and am looking forward to reading more! I too am new and considering sharing my own poetry at some point.
