The Anti-Romantic Child: A Story of Unexpected Joy

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The Anti-Romantic Child: A Story of Unexpected Joy

by Priscilla Gilman (Goodreads Author)

3.78 of 5 stars 3.78 · rating details · 370 ratings · 125 reviews

Priscilla Gilman had the greatest expectations for the birth of her first child. Growing up in New York among writers and artists, Gilman experienced childhood as a whirlwind of imagination and creative play. Later, as a student and scholar of Wordsworth, she embraced the poet's romantic view of children--and eagerly anticipated her son's birth, certain that he, too, would...more

Hardcover, 304 pages

Published April 19th 2011 by Harper

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Aug 11, 2011 Todd Kashdan added it

This is a profoundly moving book where the beauty, pleasures, pain, and uncertainty of parenting is laid naked for the reader. None of us received an instruction manual on how to parent. And if we did, most of it would be non-applicable to the unique characters we're raising. This story captures the tension of raising a precocious child with special needs. How do you honor their strengths and uniqueness while simultaneously trying to get them to fit into a society that values normalcy and obedie...more

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May 18, 2012 Anita W rated it 5 of 5 stars

THE ANTI-ROMANTIC CHILD – A Memoir of Unexpected Joy written by Dr. Priscilla A. Gilman
I am greatly humbled by this book -- but also inspired and filled with hope. This book exposes raw nerves as we read about the real life of Dr. Priscilla A. Gilman and her son, Benjamin. The occasional poetry interspersed throughout the book beautifully dramatizes and illustrates the story. The book is about a parent’s worst fears – that their child may be born less than physically and mentally perfect by soc...more THE ANTI-ROMANTIC CHILD – A Memoir of Unexpected Joy written by Dr. Priscilla A. Gilman
I am greatly humbled by this book -- but also inspired and filled with hope. This book exposes raw nerves as we read about the real life of Dr. Priscilla A. Gilman and her son, Benjamin. The occasional poetry interspersed throughout the book beautifully dramatizes and illustrates the story. The book is about a parent’s worst fears – that their child may be born less than physically and mentally perfect by society’s standards -- and the triumph of hope and love over disease.
Benjamin, the young child in the story, does not fit the world’s standard of “normal.” He is both brilliant and delayed. His mother Priscilla’s dream of the perfect childhood for her son is shattered at the outset. She, her husband, and their family struggle to have a structured and calm existence in a world where chaos is rampart, and “normalcy” applies only to other families.
As you read this endearing story, you will live Dr. Gilman’s struggle to determine where and how Benjamin (“Benj”) will or will not be able to fit into daily life at school and in relationships with his family and classmates. Priscilla reveals her intellect and her heart as she shares her life with Benj and allows us to glimpse into moments of deep despair and failure, only to later be amazed and awed by Benjamin’s progress. A look into a “different” child’s life allows us to visit the moment-to-moment struggle that Benj and his family dealt with and still deal with on the most basic of levels. I fully believe that every person, and especially parents with children of any age, should read this manuscript. It would help each of us understand how we may need to rethink our priorities and to refocus on what is really important.
Benj’s grasp of this world is so delicate and fragile -- yet so confident and self-assured – that it will both tear your heart apart and fill it with love. It is a rare privilege to be allowed to experience, step-by-step, human triumphs and setbacks as they occur. You are drawn fully into Benj’s world and how his parents deal with his learning differences.
You are privy to the family’s utmost secret thoughts and actions. Priscilla gives you the opportunity to walk in her shoes and to see the world through Benj’s eyes. With this newfound insight, you gain respect for Benj’s accomplishments, along with those of his parents, his cadre of doctors, his therapists, and his teachers, all of whom grow to cherish Benj’s approach to life.
A small child who reads exceptionally early is welcomed into our society. As parents, we beam with pride while others with children who aren’t succeeding as quickly may silently sulk with jealousy. Never would we have guessed that this ability, this unexpected “brilliance,” could actually be a flashing warning sign highlighting a serious problem. Perhaps it was a mother’s intuition, but somehow Priscilla knew that something was not right. Although she tried repeatedly to get her doctor and her family to share her worries, they wrote them off to a young mom’s overly-protective nature.
Priscilla’s writing is superb, but her technique at showing us what we need to see is downright amazing. You will find yourself engrossed in Benj’s real life episodes. You won’t be able to step away easily, either. After you read the last page, you’ll find that you are changed forever, and for the better, because you’ve experienced through different eyes the make-up of our world. You will carry this family’s everyday experiences with you, and I’m betting that the next time you meet or come across a child that acts differently than you expect, you’ll reconsider your opinion of that child too. Given any heart at all, after reading this book, how could you not?
As a parent of four, I am amazed at how Priscilla was able to juggle her professional life at Yale and Vassar with her very structured family life. Having worked professionally as a teacher and an associate principal, with long and uncertain hours and unexpected delays daily, I am baffled at how she managed to conduct such a structured and calm household. But she obviously succeeds, as Benj’s progress and accomplishments prove.
Priscilla uses her love of Wordsworth to catapult us into poetry that beautifully describes the obvious in lyrical tones. Here such a “refined” approach is welcome, as instead of boring us or slowing the reading, it enhances and charms you with its rhythm and vitality. Just as rhythm and words charm Benj with his music, we are touched by Wordsworth’s allusions and impressions of a child.
This book moved me to laugh for joy, to cry about the harsh impact of reality, and to be jubilant about Benj’s new accomplishments. Reading “too early” in Benj’s case was a curse not related to actual brilliance, because he was merely echoing words instead of having original thoughts. Because he was able to read, however, he could be reassured by carrying typewritten cards that told him what to do in various situations. So words become the “sheep in wolves clothing” for Benj, as they both establish his seemingly impossible diagnosis, but also allow him to deal with it.
Think about if faced with a similar situation, you could learn from Priscilla and be able to cope with her immense struggle as methodically and lovingly as she did. She was never pushed harder than she could handle. Even as she hid her fatigue behind closed doors with the water running, she persevered. Out of necessity, she always kept a calm, cool head when she was with Benj, always attempting to help him adjust to the world around him.
This book forces you to be aware of what can happen when you bring a child into the world -- a child that might not fit in anywhere, unless someone acts as their advocate at all times. You will find out if Priscilla’s striving brings relief to this precious family, or even more strife, and only you will be able to decide whether or not the struggle would be worth it for you.
I hope that I’ve shared enough with you to have peaked your curiosity about this child and this extremely rare book. I believe you will cherish the moments that you spend getting to know this family, and that you will experience how Benj’s life forever changed his family’s outlook, and can change yours as well.
Without a doubt, I give this book “5 tiaras.” It will be worth every breath you take as you read it, and the amount of time you share with Benj will be invaluable to your understanding not only of special children, but of all children. It isn’t just a book for academics; it is a book that teaches us to care more, and to apply constructively what we learn in life. I hope that you choose to embrace the possibilities. Happy reading and loving!
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May 07, 2012 Nancy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Although I didn't share Gilman's understanding of Wordsworth, the poet gave a great deal of comfort to Gilman as she embarked on her journey into mothering a child different "normal." I found a great deal of guidance in the way she handled doctors, educators, and family.

Gilman's son has a developmental disorder I'd not heard of yet her struggles resonated with my own. The difference between us (apart from the diagnosis) was her incredible articulation of her feelings, ideas, thoughts, and lack...more Although I didn't share Gilman's understanding of Wordsworth, the poet gave a great deal of comfort to Gilman as she embarked on her journey into mothering a child different "normal." I found a great deal of guidance in the way she handled doctors, educators, and family.

Gilman's son has a developmental disorder I'd not heard of yet her struggles resonated with my own. The difference between us (apart from the diagnosis) was her incredible articulation of her feelings, ideas, thoughts, and lack of blame. Far too often when writing a memoir, the author feels the need to unload unnecessary negative feelings toward a particular person in their life. Priscilla had many opportunities to do so, as many of those we deal with when advocating for our child do not understand nor help, but she refrained.

Besides Priscilla's articulation and lack of denial, she recalled with perfect clarity, the feelings of each step and acceptance that parenting of Benj was not going to be a quick fix. I loved her early acceptance of that. It would be a life long journey of understanding, accommodating, and accepting. Her reframing Benj's disability into his personality and perceptions was beautifully done. Of course, in order to relate to others, her son needed to acquire certain skills and she and her husband fastidiously sought the best way for him to learn and use them. At the same time, her son didn't need to change on a fundamental level. He was beautiful and wonderful just the way he was. He didn't need to fit into a mold of what society deemed as "normal." Normal is subjective in every sense.

Rather than share my own journey of parenting and feelings of exhaustion and inadequacy, I will simply state that the author's book is not only beautifully written but validating. It touched a cerebral and emotional part of me. Not all children are as high maintenance as others and will meet the societal demands more easily than others. However, the best and most validating example of quirky kids equals normal is the television show "The Middle." Watch it, look for the hidden cameras in your house for their story ideas, read this book, and feel validated that the children you are raising came pre-programmed, quirky, and they will rise to the occasion, too.(less)

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Apr 17, 2012 Christine Bourgeois rated it 5 of 5 stars

It was a Thursday and I was heading to the midtown branch of the New York Public Library. A few weeks earlier, an excerpt in the Library’s monthly publication advertised Priscilla Gilman’s book reading. The words “children” and “unexpected joy” had caught my attention. That evening the author’s talk moved something deep inside me. I bought a copy of her book and spent the next few days consumed by it.

Priscilla Gilman, a Wordsworth scholar and a young mother, is just starting her career as an En...more It was a Thursday and I was heading to the midtown branch of the New York Public Library. A few weeks earlier, an excerpt in the Library’s monthly publication advertised Priscilla Gilman’s book reading. The words “children” and “unexpected joy” had caught my attention. That evening the author’s talk moved something deep inside me. I bought a copy of her book and spent the next few days consumed by it.

Priscilla Gilman, a Wordsworth scholar and a young mother, is just starting her career as an English Professor at Yale. But as her firstborn Benjamin grows up and his precociousness reveals itself to be symptomatic of a developmental disorder, she is faced with a reality very different from her dreams and expectations. This book chronicles the author’s journey as a mother as she continuously revises her understanding of her son and his disorder. She talks of the initial pride over Benj’s precociousness, followed by the realization of his difficulties with “cognitive flexibility”. She gradually faces and accepts several diagnosis of developmental disorder, only to be faced with close relatives’ and even her pediatrician’s denial of that same diagnosis. But most of all her understanding of her son is turned upside down: “In those first days of questioning who my son was and what he would or could be, I had trouble finding strength because I wasn’t sure what remained behind”. She starts to work tirelessly to understand him and give him what he needs: “in the last month, I’ve realized in a way I never had before that this is and will be my life – this day –to-day work on and for and with Benj.” Her unfailing dedication to her son, and her daily determination to search for new solutions is touching and formidable.

The author’s love of poetry is omnipresent in the book and beautiful citations by Wordsworth accompany the entire narrative. Her understanding of his poetry reaches new depths, just as her love for her son reaches new depths. As the romantic and unrealistic notions of childhood are revealed and lost, “unexpected joys” bring new meaning. One day Benj asks his mother an extraordinary question about a dream he had. “Mommy how do you keep a good dream from leaving” a very unexpected question coming from Benj:

“…And in helping Benj learn how to hold on to Wordsworth’s “celestial light…the glory and the freshness of a dream”, I recovered my dream of a child capable of dreaminess, strong feeling, intense appreciation of beauty and wonder. Benj was beginning to access a little of the wonder of my childhood perspective, and in mothering him, I was discovering a whole new kind of wonder, a whole new sense of what wonder could be. “

This book transcends the sometimes rigid therapeutic approach to developmental disorders and instead is an intensely authentic, human and poetic account of motherhood. It is a beautifully written memoir of loss and redemption, love and beauty will touch all parents who question their own expectations for their children and families.
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Mar 05, 2012 Anna rated it 4 of 5 stars

Reading THE ANTI-ROMANTIC CHILD was a dual-toned experience: on the one hand, it is utterly relatable, but on the other its scholarly approach can feel detached and distancing. Overall, I enjoyed it, as much for its differences from other books in the genre as for its similarities.

The story deals with Priscilla Gilman's life with her son, Benjamin, who over the course of the book is diagnosed with hyperlexia. Ms. Gilman also describes her early life before her son's birth; she recounts her perso...more Reading THE ANTI-ROMANTIC CHILD was a dual-toned experience: on the one hand, it is utterly relatable, but on the other its scholarly approach can feel detached and distancing. Overall, I enjoyed it, as much for its differences from other books in the genre as for its similarities.

The story deals with Priscilla Gilman's life with her son, Benjamin, who over the course of the book is diagnosed with hyperlexia. Ms. Gilman also describes her early life before her son's birth; she recounts her personal and academic interest in Wordsworth and uses his poems to explain and highlight her own character, beliefs, and hopes for herself and her future children. This is the basis for "anti-romanticism": the son she is given is nothing like the child she was herself, or the child she expected to have. Coming to terms with Benj's considerable problems and the disconnect from her idealized life is a long, hard journey, and one the author describes honestly and with real feeling.

Where this book differs from other books about parenting special-needs children is in its scholarly tone. Poems are used as would evidence be in a research paper; they support her claims about herself and explain her disillusionment as her life unfolds. I work as a speech-language pathologist in the public schools, and few parents of those children would relate to Ms. Gilman's life of intellectual and creative privilege. It is difficult to mourn faded romantic dreams when your prime concern is putting food on the table. For those parents, I imagine this book would be at times unreadable.

Yet Ms. Gilman's love for her son, her fears for his future, her grief for what was, and her resolution for what has to be are all innately understandable to any parent, especially those with a child who struggles day to day with what others find naturally simple. Ms. Gilman hides little of her deep emotional turmoil and, eventually, her loving acceptance of her life and her child. This is the core of her story, and she offers it up completely.

ANTI-ROMANTIC deserves to be read with the weight with which it was written: to read the poetry and feel it as much as the more typically-presented prose. As a side note, support staff and teachers would also do well to read this book: in the era of IDEA and FAPE, it was amazing to me that so many professionals in Ms. Gilman's life were as dismissive, undiscerning, and, frankly, unhelpful as they were portrayed in this book. I had to remind myself that this was not written 30 years ago, but took place in the last decade. I don't believe Ms. Gilman exaggerated their encounters, either: her honesty and attention to detail preclude deception.

Which is, at heart, the strength of her work: she describes her dreams and describes their fall, and shows you how she builds them again, in word and deed.(less)

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Dec 29, 2011 Lisa Maruca rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: kindle

There is a poignant irony in the fate of two English grad students who produce a child with, of all problems, hyperlexia, and Gilman is honest in the journey she takes from feeling brashly proud of her genius child to worried about his quirks, and from despair over the limits that diagnosis places on individual complexity, to quiet pride in all her son's real and hard-earned accomplishments. As a fellow lover of Wordsworth, I could appreciate Gilman's attempt to use his poetry to structure her...more

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Nov 10, 2011 Erick rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is the second review I have written for this book, after I have read it a few more times. The first time around, I was impressed but was not "blown away" as compared to other readers' impressions. I do not have a child with special needs, so I probably approach from a different perspective than others.

Reading it again, I do see how the narrative and the poetry connect. When I read it at first, I felt like the story combined with the poetry selections could make it too complex for its own go...more

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Aug 20, 2011 Terry rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: education, memoir, non-fiction

I am actually not sure who I would recommend this book to. I think people who would be interested in a memoir about raising a special-needs child, especially in a milieu of super-high-intellectual-achieving individuals, would be rather put off by Gilman's unique take and tone. On one hand I totally "get" where she's going by weaving her own private passion for Wordsworth and Romantic poetry and ideals into her decidedly unromantic "real" life full of struggle and frustration and misery and shame...more I am actually not sure who I would recommend this book to. I think people who would be interested in a memoir about raising a special-needs child, especially in a milieu of super-high-intellectual-achieving individuals, would be rather put off by Gilman's unique take and tone. On one hand I totally "get" where she's going by weaving her own private passion for Wordsworth and Romantic poetry and ideals into her decidedly unromantic "real" life full of struggle and frustration and misery and shame. I get it. I just don't think it's necessarily fully successful. I understand that Gilman was raised in a real bubble of East Coast/New England/boarding school/prep school/Yale/graduate school/academic life, and I think she sort of makes a big deal out of "leaving" that life behind, but that life really bleeds into her sometimes arch, sometimes willfully naive writing style, and it grates. I think she has something interesting to say about living in a certain kind of world, and being the first person in her family to have a child of her own, both of which contribute to the "slowness" of Gilman and then the rest of her family to even realize something is truly wrong with her son. Some quibbles--being on the "other side of the table", so to speak, in having worked many years in special education with younger children, her attitude toward educational institutions that are actually trying to help her son is sometimes very frustrating. It's interesting to think that on one hand Gilman had lived her whole life in this precious bubble, and explores her struggle to burst that bubble (and the pain in doing so), yet she actually tries hard to wrap her own child in a similar bubble where the entire world is supposed to magically rework itself all to the needs and comfort of her child. Also, it must be said, sometimes what's fascinating and adorable to parents appears rather unpleasant and spoiled to "outsiders". Ahem. Anyway--it's a lyrically written book, covering a very difficult subject from a unique point of view, but doesn't quite completely jell together as a whole.
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Jul 09, 2011 Joanne rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: all-time-favorite

As an English teacher, I tell my students that myths, poetry and stories are writers' attempts to make sense of things that seem beyond explanation. As the mother of a now-grown, very successful son who was in special ed through his public school years, I have seen all kinds of parents struggle with all kinds of special needs kids. A lot of times, the smartest, most privileged parents had the hardest time accepting a kid who just wasn't quite...typical. The author, who is a Wordsworth scholar, m...more

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Jun 22, 2011 Sherri Byrand rated it 5 of 5 stars

My deep appreciation for Priscilla Gilman’s book The Unromantic Child is two-pronged. First, without sap or spite, Gilman reveals her journey of enlightenment as a mother, for how she aligned herself with her son’s needs and gifts, reconciling to reality.

From that last sentence above it is too easy to think that this is a book just for the parents of children with special needs. Of course, it shares a perspective that they should find helpful. It certainly reached out to me, as I have a son who...more My deep appreciation for Priscilla Gilman’s book The Unromantic Child is two-pronged. First, without sap or spite, Gilman reveals her journey of enlightenment as a mother, for how she aligned herself with her son’s needs and gifts, reconciling to reality.

From that last sentence above it is too easy to think that this is a book just for the parents of children with special needs. Of course, it shares a perspective that they should find helpful. It certainly reached out to me, as I have a son who reflects Benj’s diagnoses except for the hyperlexia. Like Benj, my son “clearly has shades of obsessive-compulsive disorder, … sensory-integration disorder and social-pragmatic language disorder” and is said to have mild Asperger’s. A Rule Boy with tics and quirks, he is nonetheless a very different child from Benj. For one, music is not a solace for him, though writing and drawing are. The differences between our two sons serve as great testimony for Gilman’s plea – that we “appreciate[e] the complex, intricate person” each child is, beyond labels.

And while that is an intrinsic message that we should all follow (and one that we would all benefit from), I also want to discuss another element of this book that deserves attention from a wide readership. That is Gilman’s journey through the works of Wordsworth, offering his poetry in the context of her life before Benj and since.

I hadn’t pondered on Wordsworth until five years ago, when I wandered through his Dove Cottage—not “lonely as a cloud,” but with my then seven-year-old son alongside. Up to then, my connection to the Lake District had been through The Plague Dogs by Richard Adams and Swallows and Amazons by Arthur Ransome. Then I picked up a dog-eared copy of The Illustrated Lake Poets at a second-hand shop in Grasmere and from there, we experienced the landscape through Wordsworth’s poetry. Shielded by our Gore-Tex from “flying showers,” we “rove[d] [t]hro’ bare grey dell, high wood, and pastoral cove … [t]hro’ craggs, and forest glooms, and opening lakes … to willowy hedgerows, and to emerald meads …” and through it all, I found “the sense [o]f majesty, and beauty, and repose, [a] blended holiness of earth and sky …”

And in our roving, I gained a profound appreciation not only for how Wordsworth captured that landscape with verse, but also for how his very writing helped to galvanize others into safeguarding the Lake District so that we also, nearly two hundred years later, could be “Wild Wanderers”—not only seeing firsthand the world that was once his, but also discovering the real reason why we should wander there: simply to “Be happy.”

I thought I knew Wordsworth, but then I read Gilman’s book. Compared to her encounters with him, mine feels pragmatic. Not hollow, but shallow. Wordsworth’s poetry did not launch my emotions—no, it was the landscape itself that sent them soaring. Rather, his words helped me latch more firmly to my feelings, to name them, frame them. So as I embraced the landscape, I echoed Wordsworth. I wasn’t breathing in the poetry and letting it burn through my heart, whereas it is clear that Gilman has done just that.

So, those who appreciate Wordsworth, good poetry, the hold that poetry can take on a soul (or the help that it offers for fathoming the profound) should also read this book.

In her use of Wordsworth to show how she came to commit herself to the “battle for Benj’s essential self,” Gilman provides not only specifics that can help parents fight for their own child’s “essential self,” but can help all readers reflect on their own.

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Jun 22, 2011 Coollibrarian rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents, educators, special needs, autism

i received this book for free from the publisher through the good reads program and appreciated the chance to read it as i was interested in the subject on multiple levels. i don't have it in hand as i have passed it on to a friend-i was that impressed.

The book is an autobiography elaborating several levels of the author's life: the daughter of interesting but not necessarily stable parents, an academic high achiever who married another brilliant but flawed academic, and the mother of two disti...more

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Jun 03, 2011 Carla Herbert rated it 5 of 5 stars

I received this book through Goodreads in return for a review.

I absolutely adored the journey that Ms Gilman so eloquently provided. Her personal struggle with not having the "perfect" child was heart rendering familiar to any parent and yet unnerving to read the true struggle she faced accepting her child not as she wished he was, but rather as he was at the moment. Towards the end of the book, Ms Gilman states, "I've always wanted to make life just right for those I loved, but through my exper...more

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May 30, 2011 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

A memoir written by a woman whose child is hyperlexic. Hyperlexia is one of the diagnoses that fit (and still fits) my daughter. Hyperlexic children show an early and extreme fascination with letters and numbers, often teaching themselves to read before the age of four. They also exhibit sensory issues, fine and gross motor delays, and social difficulties While people debate whether it is a distinct diagnosis or always co-morbid with autism, the challenges are often similar. My daughter taught h...more

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Apr 19, 2011 Melissa rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Melissa by: HarperCollins

This is surprisingly engrossing - I requested an ARC from HarperCollins because I was interested in the author's background in Wordsworthian poetry but never thought I would get so emotionally invested in Gilman's story. When she gets hotly irritated by the psychologist at the special needs elementary school (where her elder son is enrolled) because the psychologist complains that the child is "difficult", I got irritated, too; I couldn't help it, by that point in the book I was invested in the...more

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Jul 04, 2011 Jane Hammons rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction-memoir, nonfiction-education

This is a memoir and a "parenting" book that deserves a wide audience. It is beautifully written and unique, not only in the account of Benj, the child with hyperplexia (a condition much more complex than its name might suggest--it is not merely the reverse of dyslexia), but also because Gilman chooses to frame the book in reference to Wordsworth, which I don't think always works. But the choice to reflect on her own childhood as well as Benj's (and later that of her other son James) in this way...more

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Jun 25, 2011 Nette rated it 2 of 5 stars

This is the funniest unintentionally funny book I've ever read (and it's utterly humorless, so that's quite an achievement). Pampered author, herself the daughter of NYC intellectual royalty, meets and marries a smart guy with obvious mental issues, pops out a genius kid with emotional problems, and intersperses her tale with romantic poetry to try and make sense of the whole thing, when the whole thing can be summed up with two unromantic words: "Shit happens." Plus, it's unbelievably braggy. (...more

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May 04, 2011 Kim Wombles rated it 5 of 5 stars

In my American Literature course this semester, I worked to weave Joseph Campbell’s vision of the purpose of mythology throughout the pieces we read, to get students to consider the role that literature, in its many mediums, plays in providing the bedrock on which we live our lives and derive meaning. In a world in which religion no longer dominate our culture and for many people no longer lives and breathes, providing the answers for all life’s mysteries and meanings, the stories we listen to,...more

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Apr 19, 2011 Jennifer Rayment rated it 4 of 5 stars

The Good Stuff

Beautifully writes about raising a child that has special needs and so wonderfully explains the need to let go of the dream of your child and love the child you have.
Very painfully honest and real, she doesn't hide from her emotions and doesn't put blame on anyone
Her relationship with her ex-husband is one that I truly believe benefits her children -- now if more divorces couples would follow her path
She's a strong women who wouldn't take no for an answer and wants the best for he...more

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Jan 21, 2013 Thom Satterlee rated it 4 of 5 stars

A Yale-educated former professor of British literature reflects on her experiences raising a special needs child. This memoir is remarkable for the writer's passionate desire to understand and love her son without the reductivism of labels. Although she makes use of a full spectrum of medical, social, psychological and educational resources--really, anything that helps her son thrive--she never allows her son's diagnosis, which appears to be borderline Asperger's, eclipse his truly individual se...more

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Jun 18, 2011 Rachelle rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is easily one if my favorite reads so far this year. As a mother, Priscilla Gilman's poignant story of raising a child with hyperlexia disorder spoke to my soul. Her insights and reflections beautifully illustrate trials that all mothers (not just parents of "special needs" kids) can relate to. Gilman describes her struggle of learning to understand (and diagnose) her child without labeling him. Her frank honesty in describing both triumphs and setbacks touched me. In a world obsessed...more

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Aug 09, 2011 Julie rated it 2 of 5 stars

I checked this book out of the library after my husband forwarded me an education blog post that quoted the book. I spent the past two weeks slogging through what I found to be a narcissistic refusal to acknowledge reality. I get the whole idea of having this romantic ideal child before your kid is born and then having to face the truth once the baby is here that life isn't all roses and puppies and rainbows and hey, your kid's diapers stink just like every other diaper on the planet. However, M...more I checked this book out of the library after my husband forwarded me an education blog post that quoted the book. I spent the past two weeks slogging through what I found to be a narcissistic refusal to acknowledge reality. I get the whole idea of having this romantic ideal child before your kid is born and then having to face the truth once the baby is here that life isn't all roses and puppies and rainbows and hey, your kid's diapers stink just like every other diaper on the planet. However, Ms. Gilman doesn't abandon this ideal after her son arrives and continues to quote Wordsworth throughout the entire book, comparing her real-life kid to poems. Everything he does is "romantic".

Unfortunately, Ms. Gilman (who seems to see herself as a tragic figure because her parents divorced and her father was dying ten years after a cancer diagnosis) has a first-born son who isn't perfect and doesn't measure up to her ideal. The child has autism whether or not she admits it. She keeps pressing hyperlexia which can be a splinter skill within the autism spectrum, not its own diagnosis. She makes excuse after excuse for not getting a full evaluation for a diagnosis, probably because her worst fear (as stated in a recalled conversation with her son's doctor) was that he would be found autistic. Her words were "Because that would mean his brain was fundamentally askew, that he couldn't improve or get better or if he could, his life would be essentially constricted and limited, and that he wouldn't have what I believe matters most is life: loving, intimate relationships with other people." Ms. Gilman needs to get out of her sheltered, New York existence and into reality because that doesn't describe the majority of the people with autism I know, and especially not ones who are as high functioning as her son is as described. It's insulting.

In addition to refusing to honestly acknowledge his deficits, the author doesn't develop his gifts either. He isn't allowed to move ahead in math or reading because he isn't "emotionally ready". Those gifts are what will eventually employ her kid when he grows up if he's able to hold a job. She celebrates being able to keep him in the same school from kindergarten through high school, sheltering him from the world. She is not doing him any favors.

The book itself is a hard read not only because of all of the superfluous Wordsworth but because I just wanted to smack the author with a clue by four. Hiding your head in the sand concerning a child's disability does no one any favors, least of all the child. I'm sick and tired of seeing people refuse to seek help for their children who desperately need evaluation - I don't have any patience elsewhere for the same.(less)

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Jul 21, 2011 Jeff rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

If I could have given this book more than five stars, I would have! It was amazing. Priscilla Gilman is very much a "romantic." She was a professor of English lit at Yale and Vassar before choosing to abandon the world of academia. Can't say as I blame her much. I always liked reading literature just to read it; to devour it; to enjoy it, not to dissect it into its smallest parts, to the point that it is unrecognizable. Her favorite author is William Wordsworth. She quotes his poems extensively...more If I could have given this book more than five stars, I would have! It was amazing. Priscilla Gilman is very much a "romantic." She was a professor of English lit at Yale and Vassar before choosing to abandon the world of academia. Can't say as I blame her much. I always liked reading literature just to read it; to devour it; to enjoy it, not to dissect it into its smallest parts, to the point that it is unrecognizable. Her favorite author is William Wordsworth. She quotes his poems extensively in this book.

The book chronicles her journey so far with her oldest son, Benjamin. She noticed early on that he was "different," but celebrated his differences and enjoyed them. Then she found out that these "differences" were not so good, at leas not in the eyes of traditional educators and the like. While he never tested to be on the Autism Spectrum (unless I missed something), he was close, and was diagnosed with a disorder known as "hyperlexia." She struggled over the years with the need to try to "mainstream" Benjamin, but at the same time, always wanting to love him and celebrate his strengths, of which there were many. The story is beautiful. It is beautifully written (the influences of her favorite literature shine through in her writing), and I found myself in tears many times during this book. Of course, the reason for the title is that children on (or close to) the Autism spectrum rarely show any affection. The hope for a child that will hug you warmly and say "I love you" is shattered, because they just don't do that, at least not early on. Even our own 17 year old "high-functioning autistic" still doesn't really give good hugs very often. She loves us and does say that, but the understanding of "love" is not full.

I would recommend this book to anyone who loves good literature, as well as anyone who has or knows anyone with a "special" child.

I'll close this with a couple of quotes. "Being Benj's mother has changed me profoundly, has made me more, rather than less, idealistic; more, rather than less, passionate; more, rather than less, creative..." "In parenting Benj, I have gotten more in touch with a profound kind of romanticism; I have been given access to a transcendant sense of mystery and awe and wonder."(less)

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Apr 18, 2011 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads

As a speech pathologist and a mom of two young children there were so many ways for me to relate to this book and I celbrated each milestone reached by the author's son as if I had somehow been personally involved.

What parent cannot relate to the desire to live out the idealized dream of Gerber baby-meets child prodigy-meets gorgeous "perfect family" glossy magazine shoot? What one does with what life hands out is really the gift and this author rises above the emotion of initial diagnosis to c...more

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Nov 09, 2011 Katie Kadwell rated it 5 of 5 stars

I didn't expect to like this book as much as I did. Gilman's story is a riveting one, and well told. Her journey with her son, who seems only quirky at first but then turns out to be a special needs child, is incredible. The story of her choices and decisions as she walks a precarious path with her family and friends is filled with deeply inspiring, tender, and passionate moments. Gilman studs her book with the poetry of William Wordsworth, and frames her journey as one of discovering the romant...more

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Aug 06, 2011 Susan rated it 4 of 5 stars

Fascinating book about a boy with a disorder I knew nothing about - hyperlexia - even though many of the symptoms are similar to my son's. I enjoyed reading how the author changed her attitude about her son rather than changing her son. This is inspiring and something I need to work on myself. The author and the boy's father are both English PhD's from Yale (well, the dad was ABD, I think). Their son made them rethink much that had been important to him.

The author was every vigilant in working w...more

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Jun 07, 2011 Christina rated it 2 of 5 stars

I was really intrigued by this book at the start -- the story of a boy so incredibly brilliant that his parents don't realize until he's about three that there is something seriously different about him. It was fascinating to read of his early reading, his obsession with books and words, but also his inability to interact with people and the anxieties he was plagued with.

The constant interweaving of Wordsworth poems, and the author's analysis of them, were just a little obsessive to me; half th...more

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Aug 02, 2012 Kelly Sapp rated it 3 of 5 stars

The literature quotes are fabulous in this story, and the author's love of literature, and the journey of discovering not only that her son has some "spectrumy traits," but that her husband did, too.

This story saddened me, because it seems to me, her husband (now, ex) went through PTSD and numbed upon learning about their son's diagnosis, while the author, of course, reacted to her PTSD with a hyper-vigilance. Their marriage did not survive, and that, to me, is the greatest tragedy of this story...more

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Jul 10, 2011 KJ Dellantonia rated it 4 of 5 stars

A fantastic memoir of living with high-functioning Asbergers. Gilman writes about the ways her husband and son, both with Asbergers symptoms (if not a specific diagnosis) appealed to her extremely romantic outlook on life using constant references to her beloved romantic poetry, in particular Wordsworth--and then chronicles how her realization that the traits she'd seen as unique and magical were also symptoms--or maybe even just symptoms. The way she writes about how she herself manages to acce...more

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May 09, 2011 Angie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads, memoirs, 2011, reviewed, non-fiction, 3-stars

The Anti-Romantic Child

This was a First Reads giveaway I was lucky enough to win and I was excited to dive when it came in the mail a few weeks later.

While I understand that the opening of the book is meant to set up the romantic nature and charmed life of the author, it didn't sit quite right with me. It's not a life most readers are going to be able to identify with - the pre-war upper westside childhood apartment, the weekend home in Connecticut, trips to Spain - and immediately imposes a dis...more The Anti-Romantic Child

This was a First Reads giveaway I was lucky enough to win and I was excited to dive when it came in the mail a few weeks later.

While I understand that the opening of the book is meant to set up the romantic nature and charmed life of the author, it didn't sit quite right with me. It's not a life most readers are going to be able to identify with - the pre-war upper westside childhood apartment, the weekend home in Connecticut, trips to Spain - and immediately imposes a disconnect between the author and the reader. It all felt a little too clean, a little too pretty, a little too romantic. (yes, I get it)

So the beginning? I didn't love it. That said, I wish I had pushed through the start of the book faster than I had because after that it got much better, instead of allowing myself to be distracted by other reads. It moved along quickly and the reader is really able to get a feel for what the author felt and experienced during the diagnosis and subsequent treatment efforts of her special needs child.

It would be a fantastic read for anyone with a child with similar needs. However, I was struck time and time again by how naive the author came across - often seeming truly shocked that things didn't work out the way she had expected them to have gone.

I fully understand the theme of a Wordsworth-ian child was needed to be carried throughout the book, but after awhile I was left saying "enough already." It's apparent early on that the author relates everything in her life to poetry and in parenting specifically to Wordsworth, I don't need to be reminded me of it every few pages for nearly 300 pages. Sometimes things don't need to "prettied up" and huge chunks of this book felt like it was written with far more florals and charms than was necessary. Occasionally, it was distracting.

I did enjoy the book and that said, I think I would be an important read for anyone with a child in a similar situation as Benj, particularly if the parents my not have access to the stock of doctors, teachers and therapists that Benj was blessed with.
(less)

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Jun 21, 2011 Michael Steger rated it 5 of 5 stars

As a father of two young children and as a lover of poetry, I immediately fell under the spell of this lovingly-told account of raising an unusual child, which, in its way, is also an extended homage to the great, often exultant poetry of William Wordsworth (the author is an erstwhile Wordsworth scholar).

This is a memoir about parenting, but it is also a story of the author's own fascinating childhood; it is a story of certain corners of the East Coast literary and academic milieus; it is a sto...more

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About Priscilla Gilman

Priscilla Gilman is the author of The Anti-Romantic Child: A Memoir of Unexpected Joy (Harper), a beautiful exploration of one woman’s expectations and hopes for her children, her family, and herself, and of the ways in which we are all capable of reimagining our lives and finding joy in the most unexpected circumstances. The Anti-Romantic Child was one of five nominees for a Books for a Better Li...more Priscilla Gilman is the author of The Anti-Romantic Child: A Memoir of Unexpected Joy (Harper), a beautiful exploration of one woman’s expectations and hopes for her children, her family, and herself, and of the ways in which we are all capable of reimagining our lives and finding joy in the most unexpected circumstances. The Anti-Romantic Child was one of five nominees for a Books for a Better Life Award for Best First Book. It was an NPR Morning Edition Must-Read, Slate‘s Book of the Week, selected as one the Best Books of 2011 by the Leonard Lopate Show, and chosen as a Best Book of 2011 by The Chicago Tribune. The Anti-Romantic Child was excerpted in Newsweek magazine and featured on the cover of its international edition in April 2011.

Priscilla grew up in New York City and graduated from Yale summa cum laude and phi beta kappa, with exceptional distinction in the English major. She went on to earn her masters and Ph.D. in English and American literature at Yale, and spent two years as an assistant professor of English at Yale and four years as an assistant professor of English at Vassar College before leaving academia in 2006. From 2006-2011, she worked as a literary agent at Janklow & Nesbit Associates, representing a wide range of literary fiction, inspirational memoir, wellness, and psychology/education books. During these years, she also taught poetry appreciation to inmates in a restorative justice program and to New York City public school students, and spoke at numerous early childhood and education conferences and events.

Gilman writes regularly for publications including the Daily Beast, the New York Times, and the Huffington Post. A prize-winning teacher and with a background in the performing arts, Gilman is a captivating speaker whose warmth, dynamism, and accessibility make her highly sought-after by diverse audiences. She speaks frequently at schools, conferences, and organizations about parenting, education, and the arts, and is a Scholar/Facilitator for the New York Council for the Humanities. She lives in New York City with her family, which now includes her new husband and step-daughter.(less)

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