The Happiest Toddler on the Block: the New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old

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The Happiest Toddler on the Block: the New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old

by Harvey Karp, Paula Spencer

3.26 · rating details · 1,364 ratings · 404 reviews

Toddlers can drive you bonkers…so adorable and fun one minute…so stubborn and demanding the next! Yet, as unbelievable as it sounds, there is a way to turn the daily stream of “nos” and “don’ts” into “yeses” and hugs…if you know how to speak your toddler’s language. In one of the most useful advances in parenting techniques of the past twenty-five years, Dr. Karp reveals t...moreToddlers can drive you bonkers…so adorable and fun one minute…so stubborn and demanding the next! Yet, as unbelievable as it sounds, there is a way to turn the daily stream of “nos” and “don’ts” into “yeses” and hugs…if you know how to speak your toddler’s language. In one of the most useful advances in parenting techniques of the past twenty-five years, Dr. Karp reveals that toddlers, with their immature brains and stormy outbursts, should be thought of not as pint-size people but as pintsize…cavemen.

Having noticed that the usual techniques often failed to calm crying toddlers, Dr. Karp discovered that the key to effective communication was to speak to them in their own primitive language. When he did, suddenly he was able to soothe their outbursts almost every time! This amazing success led him to the realization that children between the ages of one and four go through four stages of “evolutionary” growth, each linked to the development of the brain, and each echoing a step in prehistoric humankind’s journey to civilization:

• The “Charming Chimp-Child” (12 to 18 months): Wobbles around on two legs, grabs everything in reach, plays a nonstop game of “monkey see monkey do.”
• The “Knee-High Neanderthal” (18 to 24 months): Strong-willed, fun-loving, messy, with a vocabulary of about thirty words, the favorites being “no” and “mine.”
• The “Clever Caveman” (24 to 36 months):
Just beginning to learn how to share, make friends, take turns, and use the potty.
• The “Versatile Villager” (36 to 48 months): Loves to tell stories, sing songs and dance, while trying hard to behave.

To speak to these children, Dr. Karp has developed two extraordinarily effective techniques:
1) The “fast food” rule—restating what your child has said to make sure you got it right;
2) The four-step rule—using gesture, repetition, simplicity, and tone to help your
irate Stone-Ager be happy again.

Once you’ve mastered “toddler-ese,” you will be ready to apply behavioral techniques specific to each stage of your child’s development, such as teaching patience and calm, doing time-outs (and time-ins), praise through “gossiping,” and many other strategies. Then all the major challenges of the toddler years—including separation anxiety, sibling rivalry, toilet training, night fears, sleep problems, picky eating, biting and hitting, medicine taking — can be handled in a way that will make your toddler feel understood. The result: fewer tantrums, less yelling, and, best of all, more happy, loving time for you and your child.(less)

Hardcover, 336 pages

Published August 26th 2008 by Bantam (first published 2004)

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Aug 19, 2008

Susanne rated it

· review of another edition

I was SO impressed with Dr Karp's first book, "The Happiest Baby on the Block," that I didn't even look at the "Happiest Toddler" before buying it. The five "S's" in "The Happiest Baby" absolutely saved our sanity when Isaac was a newborn. For him, it really was like flipping a switch from cranky to calm.

After reading"Happiest Toddler," I find myself thinking that there are some suggestions I might refer back to at some future dat...more

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Oct 30, 2008

Kelly Cooke rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: pregnancy-childbirth-parenting

This book made me wish for the rebirth of the pamphlet. You know how Thomas Paine and those folks around the birth of our nation had these big ideas but then put them in a pamphlet? I think that's what Harvey Karp should do. Only, his ideas (in this book, anyway) aren't really that big.

Here's something that bothers me. A writer or somesuch will have a decent idea and sell many, many books (i.e. "The Happiest Baby on the Block," which I enjoyed in DVD form and "Th...more

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May 15, 2008

Lynne rated it

· review of another edition

A solid basic parenting book for toddlers, although with a somewhat strange twist about considering your toddler to be a caveman. Most of his points are very good basic parenting advice, but the "toddler-ese" thing is a bit strange. Tried it with some of my patients and some of the parents out-right laughed at me or looked at me like I lost my mind and it didn't really actually help with the kid's distress. Definitely, it doesn't work on Spenser who just looks at me like I'm nuts and ...more

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Jul 06, 2008

Sally rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I think it's important to relate to your kids, to try to understand where they're coming from, to even speak to them on their level, respecting their abilities. But I will not get on the floor and cry in baby-speak just because my 2 year old is doing it! There are better, gentle, more dignified ways.

I was surprised that I didn't like this book (I actually watched the video) as much as The Happiest Baby on the Block because there were some ideas in the baby book that are right-on. ...more

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Dec 24, 2011

Jackie rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I really, really hope this book gives me some ideas on how to deal with the angry alien that has invaded my once happy child....

So far Toddlerese has not exactly worked. But it will still be a tool we will try.

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Nov 18, 2011

Tracyesine rated it

· review of another edition

My two star rating is based on the "it was okay" description. Yes, this book is okay. It contains some good advice about how to make a toddler feel his or her feelings have been heard, and why this is important. I appreciated the little techniques for creating a positive, encouraging vibe by letting the child overhear positive things about his/her actions, as well as the actions of others. I also agree that lengthy reasoning with an angry toddler is not productive, and will likely ...more

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Nov 16, 2011

Jamie Hergott rated it

· review of another edition

I read this book because Dr. Karp's first book, Happiest Baby on the Block, saved or lives when my daughter was a baby. She was inconsolable every single evening for 2 to 3 hours before bedtime. Most people chalked it up to her having colic and told me it would get better in a few months. I picked up Happiest Baby and started implementing his 5 S's (Swaddle, Ssh, Swinging, Sucking, Side/Stomach) and it worked like a charm every single time. I was completely relived. I figured his second book wou...more

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Jun 06, 2011

Stephanie rated it

· review of another edition

I really liked Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block because it was so straight forward. This book? Not so much. He advocates talking to a child in what I find to be a silly and non-sensical way. If a child has a tantrum about say being hungry, for example, you're supposed to tell her: "You're hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry." I mean, I get that toddlers can't be reasoned with, and I understand his point that toddlers are essentially uncivilized cavemen, but really? I just can't do this...more

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Jun 13, 2009

Hilarie rated it

· review of another edition

These days, it seems as though every book written by a doctor has a catchy gimmick designed to grab the interest of the reader. This book was no exception, as on the back cover Dr. Karp lovingly refers to toddlers everywhere as pint-sized cavemen. Since I am currently in the throws of the toddler years, I had to agree with Dr. Karp, as there are days that my little one happily wreaks destruction. Lest you think that Dr. Karp is somehow being insulting, let me assure you that it is very eviden...moreThese days, it seems as though every book written by a doctor has a catchy gimmick designed to grab the interest of the reader. This book was no exception, as on the back cover Dr. Karp lovingly refers to toddlers everywhere as pint-sized cavemen. Since I am currently in the throws of the toddler years, I had to agree with Dr. Karp, as there are days that my little one happily wreaks destruction. Lest you think that Dr. Karp is somehow being insulting, let me assure you that it is very evident that not only does he enjoy toddlers and find them fascinating, but that he respects them as well. The point of all the prehistoric talk is really just a clever way to point out the differences that exist between the thought processes of an adult and a child (ages 1 to 4).

Dr. Karp's premise is that in the first four years of life your child will accomplish huge developmental milestones as their brains grow and develop. He divides the ages into four groups: The Charming Chimp-Child (12 to 18 Months), The Knee-High Neanderthal (18 to 24 Months), The Clever Cave-Kid (24 to 36 Months), and The Versatile Villager (36 to 48 Months). Each of these groupings is actually a pneumonic used to describe the highlights of that particular age grouping, for example Cave-Kid's are:
C= Curiouser and curiouser
A= Attention Increases
V= Very Busy
E= Enjoys Pleasing You
K= Kinder
I= Interested in Order and Comparisons
D= Determined to Communicate

Dr. Karp also enourages adults to speak to toddlers in their own language, or what he refers to as "Toddler-ese." Basically, the idea is that when a child is upset it is pretty pointless to try and talk to them as little adults. He offers basic tips on communicating more effectively with your toddler, and I found that many of these tips were good communication pointers in general.

I took my time reading this book as I was anxious to give his suggestions a try. Many of them actually worked! It was a little embarrasing speaking "Toddler-ese" in public, but Dr. Karp makes a good point that when your child is in the midst of a tantrum, you usually feel that you are the center of attention anyway. Most of all, I really enjoyed reading this book as it was fascinating to think about all the things my little one has already accomplished and all she will continue to accomplish. If you have young children, or spend a lot of time with the 1 to 4 set, then I can't recommend this book highly enough. (less)

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Apr 25, 2009

Shana rated it

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Shelves: parenting

Great starter book for understanding toddler emotions and how to respect them and handle tantrums. The only thing I didn't like about this book is the dramatization, which I find escalates the child emotions. They need us to bridge the gap from how they feel to how they can feel good again. We accept their negative feelings. We allow them to have negative feelings. But we dont have to have negative feelings with them. We can come from a place of peace, bridge the gap with empathy, and let them w...more

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Aug 03, 2011

Cheryl rated it

· review of another edition

This book is absolutely BIZARRE!!!! I picked it up last week at a bookstore's going-out-of-business sale, and I have mostly just been skimming it. But I had to stop, because it was so strange! The author advocates GROWLING at your child like a dog or a bear to get him to stop misbehavior! He also advocates speaking to your child in "caveman" language when trying to stop misbehavior or tantrums. Here is an example: "Cookie! Cookie! You want cookie! Cry! Cry! Cry! Emma Cry!...more

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Jan 08, 2009

Leslie rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, parenting

I was pleasantly surprised with this book. Not only is it an easy, quick read, but it's also really congruent throughout; everything fits together like a perfect puzzle. It's like you've hired a personal parent trainer who has provided you with a complete "work out" plan, and all the parts work together for the general benefit.

I went into it with the mentality of taking everything as a grain of salt (is that the expression? or is it "with" a grain of salt? neithe...moreI was pleasantly surprised with this book. Not only is it an easy, quick read, but it's also really congruent throughout; everything fits together like a perfect puzzle. It's like you've hired a personal parent trainer who has provided you with a complete "work out" plan, and all the parts work together for the general benefit.

I went into it with the mentality of taking everything as a grain of salt (is that the expression? or is it "with" a grain of salt? neither really makes sense to me). My most general satisfaction with it comes from the fact that I definitely feel like I understand my daughter better, and I understand myself as a parent better. There are specific theories and suggestions that Dr. Karp presents that I found enlightening. I finally feel like it might be possible to discipline my daughter with love and be firm at the same time. I LOVE almost all of his suggestions for encouraging "green-light" behavior; some of my favorites were "time-ins" as a way to cut down on the need for time-outs, "gossip"(letting the tot overhear you telling other people--or her toys--how happy you are about something she did), and "special time" (corny name but great idea: setting aside 10 or so minutes a couple of times a day where your toddler has your undivided attention--no interruptions allowed--where you just play together or do whatever your child wants to do...this is in addition to all other play time and together time during the day). I liked the whole idea of going through "the side door" of your child's mind to encourage good behavior by catching others being good and by letting your child overhear you saying what kind of behavior makes you happy or sad. According to Dr. Karp (and it seems to make sense), children are more likely to believe praise and to conform to expectations if they overhear the information instead of being told it (praise) or being told to do it (living up to behavioral expectations).

At first I was skeptical about the overreaching applications and success of the fast-food rule and Toddler-ese, but then I had an testimonial-worthy experience. Today I was sitting on the couch by Emma. She kept trying to grab my book (this very book) from me, being extremely rough with the pages (the library wouldn't be too happy about it), and I reacted like I normally would: "Emma, no, no. This is Mommy's book. Here, you can have your own book." She just kept screaming and trying to tear the book away from me. So I figured, well, this is as good a time as any to try this stuff out. So I arranged my face and tone of voice to imitate what I hoped was about a third of her emotions and said, "You want Mommy's book! Emma says, 'Book! Book! I want book!' " She kept screaming. So I tried it again, upping my intensity a bit, since apparently I wasn't hitting her "sweet spot." She kept screaming, so I repeated my sympathetic, understanding verbage, and lo and behold, she stopped freaking out and let go of the book, completely calm. She looked up at me, and I could almost hear Dr. Karn's voice: "Now it's your turn to express your parental feelings and give the 'but' statement," so I said, "But sorry, this is Mommy's book. Here you go! Here's a book just for Emma!" She accepted her book and we were on our way. I'm converted. At least for today.(less)

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Sep 04, 2009

Jenny rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

I'm mixed on this book. I love that it is a somewhat realistic guide to dealing with small children and some of the advice is going to be very useful in regards to setting limits, helping kids develop patience and learning about consequences. However, I do thing some of it is wrapped up in a bow a little too easily. For example, the book is filled with anecdotes where a parent discusses a particular tantrum he/she is dealing with and how she tried the methods in the book and instantly there wa...more

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Mar 09, 2010

Philitsa rated it

· review of another edition

A lot of this book didn't really resound for me except -- as others have stated -- the FFR. I use that all the time in my personal and professional lives, so it made sense to extend it to my daughter. There has been an improvement in her tantrum recovery time that I'll attribute to that. However, I simply refuse to speak like a caveman to her when she's upset. I just don't buy it. How will dropping pronouns and prepositions make her understand me more? I'm happy to hear from other parents ...more

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Aug 31, 2009

Lisa rated it

· review of another edition

This book has been talked up a lot by several friends. So I was really hoping I would like it and I would get some insights as our daughter started throwing full blown tantrums at 10 months old when she wouldn't get her way when it came to stuff like climbing the stairs, going in the kitchen, etc.

However, being that I didn't much like Happiest Baby on the Block and found Karp's writing style annoying there, I probably should have expected the same from this book. Seriously, I think ...more

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Apr 28, 2009

Nada Ali is currently reading it · review of another edition

So far I have read the acknowledgements (always like to read those first. Acknowledgements reveal so much about the writer(s) and about the process of writing the book.). I have also read the Introduction, chapter 4 "24 to 36 months: Your Clever Cave Kid", and the Appendix: "Ten Steps Every Parent Should Know: The Basics of Raising a Happy Toddller."

Contains useful advice on how to raise a happy toddler. The authors argue that toddlers are not just miniaturized...more

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Jan 30, 2011

Jessica rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: library-book, non-fiction, toddler-care

I was actually surprised by how much I got out of this book. I never really used Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block techniques, although that was mainly because our little one was already older when I read it. But I thought I would check this one out, as I needed a little guidance for the toddler years!
Many of Dr. Karp's techniques sound a little ridiculous, and they honestly feel a little ridiculous at first, but I think they work. It's all about respecting your toddler by acknowledgin...more

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Nov 18, 2010

Harmony rated it

· review of another edition

I loved this book. I was so surprised to come onto Goodreads today and find that so many people gave the book low or mediocre ratings! I think that it basically comes down to doing what you feel is comfortable and successful. Perhaps the methods that Dr. Karp recommends don't sit well with all parents, or don't work for all children.

I really felt like the book further opened my eyes to how toddlers see the world. Many of things he recommended, I already do with the toddlers I bab...more

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Jan 11, 2011

Karen rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: could-not-finish

No! NO NO NO! Dr. Karp, I hear that you are trying to write an accessible book about children for overworked parents, but I am not a toddler myself! Too many exclamation points and twee little pictures! Too many fallacies (homo erectus does not equal neanderthal)! Too obvious that you are writing mainly, if not only, to mothers, and those mothers are probably pretty well-off!

I read the first half and skimmed the second before I took it back to the library. In my case, the only possibly...more

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Jun 02, 2010

Esmeralda rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: interpersonal, parenting

Toddlers have their own way of communicating: ME, NOW. They have their own perspective of being a little person in giants world. Mr. Karp offers a paradigm to create effective communication. A baby's brain is that of a monkey which goes through an evolutionary change into a homosapien brain at age 4. He developed a language to use for the Neanderthal babies. One of the mistakes parents make is to be dismissive of a toddler's pain / perspective. By doing some grunting and cave man talk one can mi...more

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Jul 10, 2011

Jenny rated it

· review of another edition

I agree with the basic communication tips in this book - validating anyone's feelings when they are upset is a good way to diffuse a situation. But, I recoiled at the notion that I should speak to my 2 year-old in short sentence fragments. I have used this way of speaking on my almost 2 year-old and she looks at me like I am crazy for not using complete sentences. Getting on her level and meeting her frustration level in my validation of her feelings (in complete sentences) has helped me diff...more

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Mar 18, 2010

Michael rated it

· review of another edition

Review: How to Convey Information

To get your point across, it helps to repeat it.

Harvey Karp has a few ideas about how to deal with toddlers. Some of them might be good, some of them might be bad. But he will repeat them.

I know what you're thinking. There's a lot of pages there. I'm worried I might miss something. You will not! Harvery Karp will repeat it for you.

You see, back in prehistoric times, people couldn't read! There was no permanent recor...more

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May 17, 2011

jacky rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: baby-parenting, interlibraryloan, 2011

I was hopeful for this book, but whenever I tried anything he suggested that we don't already do, it didn't work. Its possible that I just need more practice, but there were many cases where trying the Fast Food Rule and Toddlerese made my daughter cry harder. So, it was interesting to read the techniques, but I don't think I will be using them as much as he talks about. That brings me to his writing style. I found it a little too optimistic, almost like an infomercial. He makes very big pr...more

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Jun 12, 2011

Lisa rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

I really want to give Dr. Karp's book 5 stars because his ideas about how to deal with toddler behavior are spot on. In fact, a lot of his ideas mirrors the ones in The Mirages of Marriage, the marital advice book I read six months ago. But I really disliked the presentation in spots because it was so! darn! excited! and had lots of ellipses...and kind of silly language (not his descriptions of Toddler-ese, those work wonderfully, just his regular language at times). Just because I'm a busy pare...more

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Oct 14, 2008

Lisa rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

As with the Happiest Baby, busy parents may want to just watch the 30-some minute DVD which covers all of the good Doc's tactics plus show them in use with real families

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Sep 13, 2009

Holyn rated it

· review of another edition

Happiest Toddler on the Block is an interesting but dense book about living with children during their toddler years. I think this is a book which I will need to reference as my daughter continues to grow. The steps Dr. Karp recommends change as a child matures from a young toddler into an older toddler since children develop a greater understanding as they grow.

Dr. Karp's theory is that toddlers are cavepeople -they are led by basic desires of survival - food, warmth, etc - and th...moreHappiest Toddler on the Block is an interesting but dense book about living with children during their toddler years. I think this is a book which I will need to reference as my daughter continues to grow. The steps Dr. Karp recommends change as a child matures from a young toddler into an older toddler since children develop a greater understanding as they grow.

Dr. Karp's theory is that toddlers are cavepeople -they are led by basic desires of survival - food, warmth, etc - and this kicks in especially when the child is upset and on the way to a tantrum. As parents we have to speak to that level of the toddler when he/she gets upset. He also writes that parents are ambassadors more than friends or rulers. In that it is their job to explain the big world to little people and to lead them into it with mediation rather than force. I like this idea...

His first two suggestions are to use the 'Fast Food Rule' and 'Toddlerese' to speak to your child. This is where you speak back to your child what she wants in really basic speech (like the drive thru girl at McD's) and then put words to what your child is experiencing (mad, mad, want phone) and then once the child calms, you add why she can't have the phone (or whatever started the tantrum). I have tried this several times when Adeline has been upset and 8 times out of 10 it worked - she immediately calmed down rather than flipping out into a tantrum.

He also writes about the three different personality types of children and emphasizes how important it is to know and understand your child's personality as this will affect how you handle him/her. It's also important to know how his personality will interact with your own so that you can prepare yourself for button pushing.

Dr. Karp then discusses three types of behaviors - green, yellow, and red light. Green light behaviors receive most of the attention because Dr. Karp believes parents should spend most of their time 'feeding the child's meter' and giving positive energy and reinforcement to promote respect, love, helpfulness, etc (examples of green light behaviors). After that he reviews how to handle yellow light behaviors (annoying behaviors that are not dangerous like whining, dawdling, etc). One of the activities for this is patience stretching. I have started doing this with Adeline and it is actually working - I thought she would still be too young. The third type of behavior is red light - dangerous behaviors which require immediate attention (hitting, biting, running into traffic). His main focus in this area is implementing a correct time out. His theory behind why time outs work is that what children want most is their parents' attention. So if that is taken away for a time out - even for one minute - it begins to make an impression and will affect the child's behavior.

I gave this book three rather than four stars because I felt completely overwhelmed by the end of it. With Happiest Baby I was able to move along to implement the activities without much confusion but this book will require frequent visitation for a while. I understand why this is (four years of constantly changing toddlerhood is much bigger than less than a year of infancy) but wish it was a bit easier of a read. Since I see his theory working in my relationship with Adeline I will stick with the book's premice over the next several months to see how Adeline continues to benefit from it.

Overall, worth the time to read and practice with your little one but expect that you might be overwhelmed with information while practicing all the steps.....

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Jan 03, 2010

Leta rated it

· review of another edition

This book made so much sense and honestly inspired me to parent differently. The only concept with which I am struggling is that we need to speak "Toddlerese" to our toddlers. Toddlerese is a primitive language which is quite hilarious. He explains it fully in the book. I have tried speaking toddlerese to both my two and three year old toddlers and have to admit that it works extremely well. I just feel so silly when I do it. I always look at my husband after speaking it and we bo...more

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Apr 30, 2009

Amy rated it

· review of another edition

a helpful tool in understanding my "spirited" child....seriously, only 10% of toddlers are given this label???? Help me!!!!!!

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Oct 20, 2011

Amy rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: i-gave-up-and-i-rarely-do

We need a bit of help. ;)

Sadly - didn't help & weird theory. Still a huge fan of his baby book though.

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Jan 06, 2009

Valerie rated it

· review of another edition

Overall, the book had some good ideas and pointers. Some things I like include the use of "gossip" (which we tried last night at dinner and successfully got Luke to eat pepperoni), and the idea of being sure to work on building positive behaviors (instead of just focusing on how to "fix" negative behaviors.) However, I didn't like the "time out" section AT ALL! (It was too sugar-coated and didn't explain the fundamentals of changing behaviors).

The writin...more

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About Harvey Karp

Dr. Harvey Karp is a nationally renowned pediatrician and child development specialist. He is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine. Over the past 30 years, he has taught thousands of parents, from working moms to superstars like Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer and Pierce Brosnan his secrets for making children happy.

Dr. Karp has committed his full-time efforts...more

More about Harvey Karp...

Books by Harvey Karp

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer

Das Glücklichste Kleinkind Der Weltwie Sie Ihr Kind Liebevoll Durch Die Trotzphase Begleiten

The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep: Simple Solutions for Kids from Birth to 5 Years

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