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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

3.8 of 5 stars 3.80  ·  rating details  ·  4,362 ratings  ·  184 reviews
A revised and updated edition of the bestselling guide to understanding borderline personality disorder.
After more than two decades as the essential guide to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this new edition now reflects the most up- to-date research that has opened doors to the neurobiological, genetic, and developmental roots of the disorder as well as connection
ebook, 288 pages
Published December 1st 2010 by Perigee Books (first published 1989)
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This book is terribly outdated. It lists homosexuality as sexual deviation, and was published before the advent of SSRIs. It also predates the current treatment for borderline personality disorder, Dialetical Behavioral Therapy. Don't bother reading this.
I may be in the minority here, but I hate this book. Its stance on those who deal with BPD is far from empathetic - rather, it perpetuates this myth that all people with BPD are ridiculous and borderline-dangerous individuals who care only for themselves. As someone who suffers from BPD myself, it had me wanting to slit my own throat for the good of humanity, by the time I was done. How very "Borderline" of me.
This book is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), who experience violent mood swings, which interfere with their leading a normal life. The symptoms are: •A shaky sense of identity, •Sudden violent outbursts, •Severe mood shifts, •Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection, •Brief, turbulent love affairs, •Frequent periods of intense depression, •Eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies, •An irrational fear of abandonment and an inabil ...more
Is this book in dire need of an update? Yes! Published in 1989, it is about time for a re-haul or at the very least a new introduction. Furthermore, whether it was published in the 1980's or now, it lacks a feminist analysis which in turn normalizes violence (and in particular intimate partner violence) and heterosexist stereotypes about women and men's behaviors and emotions. This absence proves dangerous for both individuals suffering from BPD and their family members. The authors propose gene ...more
This was an interesting read, but the main reason I read it was for research purposes. I have since learned that one of the characters in my book actually has a case of "The Double Bind" personality. Which is why I read The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian; an enjoyable read, but again, not relevant to my research. The places research can take you! :)
This book does nothing to convince me that the diagnosis of BPD is coherent or particularly useful. As always, case stories that neatly dovetail with the author's point of view are included, but I found the inclusion of gratuitous diagnosis of famous (and usually beautiful) women as BPD to be highly distasteful. Both Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana are dissected. I can see the appeal of fantasizing about offering therapy to such women, but working out those fantasies in book form is in questio ...more
As a Licensed therapist, I can say that I found this book to be among the best written to help a person better understand their Borderline spouse, friend, parent, sibling, etc. It helps you to understand how Borderlines develop and the characteristics you will encounter in relationships with them. A bit technical at times, but a wonderful book!
This book uses astonishingly stigmatizing language. It uses phrases like, "The borderline does this" and "The bordline feels this" throughout. It's the same kind of language that, for example, old-school anthropological studies (ethnographies) tend to use-it renders "the borderline" as both a monolithic type and as other. It is insulting to presume that all people with this diagnosis are the same. Borderline was originally a diagnosis for people, nearly all women, who sought mental health care b ...more
I recently found out an acquaintance had been diagnosed as being bi-polar. I got this book at the library, and lo and behold found out that having a "borderline personality" is a similar but not same diagnosis as "bi-polar". They are similar conditions, but evidently bi-polar or manic-depressives have swings from one extreme to the other that follow cycles. Inbetween the opposite swings, they can be fairly stable. People with borderline personality condition (BPC) live constantly in a kind of fr ...more
Violet Harmon
This is the first book I read about BPD. Being a patient myself I found the personal stories of other BPDs and explanations of our conducts to be really good and felt like looking at myself in the mirror. I got a bit bored on the section about the types of psychotherapy because it was a little bit too technical for me but overall is a really good book about the disorder especially for the professionals and the people looking for different types of treatment available (at least in the USA). Must ...more
This was the ONLY book I could find when searching for something to help me understand my loved one's Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is amazingly detailed, easy to understand with numerous examples and suggestions.
I Hate You Don't Leave Me by Kreisman and Straus is a good introduction to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Not having read much in the line of psychology books, I also found it to be a helpful introduction to the discipline. My major complaint would be that the book itself is not exactly captivating, sometimes reading like a reference manual listing different medications or symptoms. Most points are belabored and repeated, probably as a means to aid memory.

Regardless, it is a short and sa
Lorie Ballard
Feb 20, 2012 Lorie Ballard rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommended to Lorie by: My Therapist
This was a very tough book to get through, because I saw so much of myself in it. If you have BPD, or you know of love someone with it...this is a good book to read. It may help you in understanding a little of what they go through.
Sexist! Yuck.

Keep pushin' me, keep pushin' my lo-oo-oove.
Rating: 2.5 of 5

A quick read, I'm not sure I Hate You, Don't Leave Me would prove all that enlightening, or even helpful, for anyone seeking a deep examination of borderline personalities. It's rather broad except for the case studies, which weren't varied enough, in my opinion.

Chapter 4 - The Borderline Society was interesting, but readers have to make certain allowances for the year the book was published (1989) and realize a lot of the information, analyses and statistics are probably outdat
This book was recommended to me as a way of understanding some of the actions and behaviours of someone in my very recent past. Unfortunately, I didn't find it much help in that regard. The book does go into a fair amount of detailed information about BPD, but I found it's focus on getting the BPD person in your life treatment, and what those treatment options are to be less useful to me.

If you are in a situation right now, today, with someone with BPD who you think may actually be open to getti
Originally published in 1989 this reads like a text book which has been updated, which, funnily enough, is the case. Helpful if you're writing an assignment on Borderline Personality Disorder but not as helpful as other books I have read on the topic ie Stop walking on eggshells : coping when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.

The chapter on medications
One of the first books on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). A very interesting and thorough read. While at some moments I was skeptical that the information being given was somewhat generalized and could apply to many people, not just people with BPD, there is a wealth of knowledge and experience here dedicated particularly to what may be helpful to know about BPD. I highly recommend this book apart from my one criticism above because it offers chapters specific to the latest known; forms o ...more
Okay, so there are several things about this book.
It is an older book written about Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe it's intended audience was folks living with borderline or folks who know folks living with borderline. It is not clinical, but does present itself as helpful to counselors as an overview.
As an overview of Borderline it was okay. There were lots of examples, which I always like.
There were, unfortunately, some major hang-ups for me. One was that in the examples the autho
Grayson Spaw
I only skimmed through this book, I didn't get much time to read it. But it did help me understand myself better. As a unofficial diagnosed patient of BPD (Not old enough for a official diagnosis), the book displayed most of my emotions in a way 'normal' and 'mentally stable' people can understand. And throughout my journey with BPD and depression. (Which included this book, both the book and movie versions of Girl Interrupted, medication, and the most important of all, therapy.)

This book gave
Just read it! I love this book. This is THE BOOK to OWN for anyone that is curious about learning about Borderline Personality Disorder, for the person that has BPD, for a loved one with BPD, or for the therapist. It gives so much information in this book. It is current (2010) and gives stories so you can see what BPD is like. I got this from the library and I couldn't renew it since so many people were lined up and hand it on hold. I put this on hold back in March 2012. I got it Dec 2012. That ...more
Meaghan Helms
While helpful in painting a picture of the person with borderline personality, it also so broadens the definition that it seems anyone can be borderline. However, I did find it helpful because for so long I have been searching for "what is wrong with me?" And now, finally, after a plethora of diagnoses I can put a name to it and get the specific help I need.
Ren Beachdell
4.5 stars - While in dire need of an update, this book gives a multitude of case studies of fictitious people who are dealing with borderline personality disorder. Many of the other reviews for this book who suffer from BPD said it made them out to negative people and one person actually said something to the effect of the book making her want to "slit her throat" and made a sarcastic joke about how borderline that made her. In my opinion, as a diagnosed borderline myself, I feel that her comple ...more
Overall, the book gives a comprehensive breakdown of not only what borderline personality disorder is, but how it comes about and what can be done to treat it. In this respect, the book is a handy, informative guide for anyone interested in BPD. The book presented little that I didn't already know, but having read quite a bit about BPD, this is hardly a complaint. It covers the basics, which is all it sets out to do.

The book's only failing, I feel, was with the "Borderline Society" chapter, and
Vrinda Pendred
Very good for organising / understanding symptoms, etc. but completely lacked any sensitivity, and I truly resent this habit of talking about people with BPD as if they're impossible and not worth bothering with. If you do that, you're basically saying, 'Go ahead and kill yourself.'
I don't know if "really liked it" is an accurate assesment of this book. Helpful, yes. A quick'n'dirty intro to the world of the borderline personality. Now I just need to work on my own countertransference issues!
This was a pretty interesting book, though a bit outdated and at times sexist. There are steps that still can help when communicating with someone with this difficult personality disorder.

The author paints a completely unsympathetic portrait of borderline people, such as at one point saying that people with BPD are incapable of "true empathy."

He also links BPD as causing people to be queer or trans (instead of, y'know, LGBT people developing BPD because being LGBT is really hard in this world) and as being caused by things like women working outside the home.

I get that the book was originally written in the 80s, but I read the updated version from 2010. Surely a supposed pr
Kat Evans
Mar 23, 2014 Kat Evans rated it 3 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: psychologists
Recommended to Kat by: my psychologist
Once again a yammering book filled with big words and little to guide me to get better. I am getting so tired of all the empty books written to diagnose but never help the patient. What is the point of crying through all of the descriptions of the symptoms, seeing how awful you must have been but never finding anything in it that tells you how to change or suggests exercises to try to help yourself be better? I am beginning to think people write these to hurt the people suffering from these kind ...more
First, as a few other reviewers have mentioned, even in this updated version, the author has some antiquated and offensive ideas on sexuality. Putting that aside, I found the sections I read to be enlightening and helpful in better understanding someone in my life with BPD.

The reader is given useful tools to better assist in interacting with individuals diagnosed with BPD. Tools to help de-escalate emotionally charged situations, to help by giving the individual/patient what they need most, &
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Jerold Kreisman, M.D., is a psychiatrist and best-selling author. His books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Sometimes I Act Crazy. have been translated into several languages around the world. He is an Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and has been designated a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He has lectured widely in both this country and abr ...more
More about Jerold J. Kreisman...
Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

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“The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that "loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude." Because the borderline finds solitude so difficult to tolerate, she is trapped in a relentless metaphysical loneliness from which the the only relief comes from of the physical presence of others. So she will often rush to singles bars or with crowded haunts, often with disappointing--or even violent--results.” 18 likes
“Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That’s what I wanted—to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself. —From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill” 3 likes
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