Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love

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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love

3.89 of 5 stars 3.89 · rating details · 619 ratings · 146 reviews

Is there a science to love?

In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parent/child relationship,...more

Hardcover, 304 pages

Published December 30th 2010 by Tarcher (first published October 28th 2010)

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Dec 12, 2010 Jen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: counseling-related

(Mid-read: Part self-help and part research. I'm digging the ideas about adult attachment so far, and using it as a catalyst to reflect on the patterns between my partner and me.)

After finishing it, I would recommend this book to anyone interested in attachment research, especially what it means for adult relationships and how much control one has if early attachment was insecure. Because it gives anecdotes from several couples, and names a lot of actual research (that can be found in the biblio...more

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Feb 18, 2013 Roopa rated it 3 of 5 stars

I really don't like self help books. However, I didn't find Attached to be that offensive. The authors provide several different angles for each definition and occasionally root these angles in psychology. It was nice to have these definitions of attachment, but I'm not sure anyone needs to go through the entire book to understand these. I wish the book went into a little more detail about the other contributing factors to attachment style beyond childhood security. As an aside, I'm totally not...more

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Apr 26, 2013 Ellen rated it 4 of 5 stars

It was a interesting and thought-provoking book. However, it's very simplistic and basically says the solution is to date a secure partner and then everything will be fine. Unless you already are secure, and then you can date almost anyone and everything will be fine. I don't think things are ever that neat. Also, a weird omission was that they never talked about a partnership with two anxious style people. They at least mention a few times that two avoidant people rarely get together and why, w...more

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Mar 31, 2013 Ben rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: audiobooks, psych

Another free gift from Audible, another mistake on my part forgetting that my time is valuable and that the price of an item is only part of the cost.

This self-help book is dependent on the premise that EVERYONE wants to be in a super-close relationship; in fact it is our most important goal. To achieve this you must determine your attachment type, Anxious, Avoidant or Secure. The authors then go into repetitive detail about the three types, which are just as the names sound. The solution for al...more

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Mar 26, 2013 Kater Cheek rated it 3 of 5 stars

I almost stopped listening to this in the first half hour, because it sounded like the worst of all possible pop-psych books, where it's mostly a sales-pitch for how this wonderful new science will solve all of your problems. I'd heard things about attachment parenting, most of which make me roll my eyes and/or fume about unrealistic perfectionists who tell you with a straight face how sacrificing 100% of yourself for your squalling infant will eventually be rewarded with unparalleled joy. So: s...more I almost stopped listening to this in the first half hour, because it sounded like the worst of all possible pop-psych books, where it's mostly a sales-pitch for how this wonderful new science will solve all of your problems. I'd heard things about attachment parenting, most of which make me roll my eyes and/or fume about unrealistic perfectionists who tell you with a straight face how sacrificing 100% of yourself for your squalling infant will eventually be rewarded with unparalleled joy. So: skeptical.

But I kept listening, and as it turned out, there were some useful tidbits in this book. The first tidbit may fall into the "no duh" category. People are happier and more secure when they're emotionally bonded with someone who looks out for their well being. The book further divides people into one of three categories: secure, avoidant, or anxious. You either can balance out and communicate your needs with a partner, you're afraid of getting too close and losing your identity, or you are terrified of losing the attachment you have with another person.

So I took the test, and of course tested certain people, and found out that I am mostly secure but somewhat avoidant, and he is mostly secure but somewhat anxious. But of course I also have avoidant characteristics, and he has anxious characteristics, which kind of proves (no duh) that people are complicated.

I do think it was useful in giving me some terms to describe traits I've seen in other people. Like, you know how there's always a couple where one (usually she) is always throwing tantrums because the other partner (usually he) doesn't return phone calls? Or when people play games because they're testing the other person's commitment? I've seen this relationship play out over and over and over again on TV and movies, and even with some people I know, but I've never been half of one. Apparently, avoidant people are a very common pairing with anxious people. I missed why this was so. I've seen it's so, but I missed where the author said why, and it was an audiobook, so it's not like I can really go back and flip through to find it. Maybe it's because avoidant people are the most common types on the dating pool, for reasons that make mathematical sense.

This wasn't a groundbreaking book, but it's not bad either. It did manage to give me some ideas, and explain things in a way that made sense. It made me think about my last relationship and outline one of the ways I messed it up. Too little too late, but any book that can keep you from making the same mistakes over and over again is worth a read.

I recommend this for people who play games in relationship, or who get easily bored with partners, and then wonder why they're always alone. I also recommend it for people like me who love self-help books.(less)

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Mar 10, 2013 Noah rated it 3 of 5 stars

Wasn't quite was I was expecting, there was less science and more practical advice. I don't think I got as much out of it as some people might (omg if you actually try to make your partner jealous and you are not in middle school, read this book asap), but I think the overall framework they presented is a useful concept.

By classifying folks as anxious, secure and avoidant and not attaching any value judgments to those relationship styles, I think that is helpful for everyone. Sort of like how re...more

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Feb 12, 2013 Laura Vanderslice Ratzel rated it 4 of 5 stars

So generally, I would be embarrassed to be caught reading a self-help book but I was really curious about the way attachment is being described to the masses. Overall, I thought this book was well written, supported by good research and full of helpful insight.

There were a few areas where I was left with questions or disappointment:

1. Why did they leave out disorganized attachment? It wasn't even included as a style.

2. I really appreciated the way they approached anxious attachment - describi...more So generally, I would be embarrassed to be caught reading a self-help book but I was really curious about the way attachment is being described to the masses. Overall, I thought this book was well written, supported by good research and full of helpful insight.

There were a few areas where I was left with questions or disappointment:

1. Why did they leave out disorganized attachment? It wasn't even included as a style.

2. I really appreciated the way they approached anxious attachment - describing it as an evolutionarily adaptive strategy, which should be embraced and used rather than changed or suppressed. Avoidant attachment was also described as evolutionarily adaptive but the general theme of the book was, if you meet an avoidant you have two options: 1. Run the other way or 2. expect to live with disappointment. There was a section on what the avoidantly attached person might do to become more securely attached but it was dismissive of this as a real possibility. It reminded me of the way that narcissistic and antisocial personalities are described as beyond hope. Maybe it's just a fantasy of mine that everyone, as long as they have a glimmer of need for connection, has the potential for satisfying attachment.

3. There's a brief section that cautions us to avoid assuming that most insecurely attached women fall into the anxious type and most insecurely attached men fall into the avoidant type. I think this is a case where research would support that there are, in fact, gender differences. And there are some obvious cultural reasons why those gender differences would predispose women to anxious attachment and men to avoidant attachment. Sure there will be outliers but the gender differences here are glaring. Not sure why they felt that being PC was more important than presenting the facts.

4. The book paints a picture that if there's no connection in the initial dating relationship, one of four things is happening: 1. A securely attached person is seeing warning signs and refusing to be sucked into an unhealthy connection with an avoidant. 2. An anxiously attached person is bored because the securely attached person is not offering enough roller-coaster effect to keep them interested. 3. An avoidantly attached person is defending against connection or 4. Two avoidantly attached people are too avoidant to sustain more than an initial contact. It doesn't suggest that sometimes two people are just not a good fit for a variety of reasons. Maybe that was a no-brainer but it felt like the authors were saying that attachment styles accounted for the only reason two people would not connect.

5. It suggests that the only hope for an anxiously attached person is to be in a relationship with a securely attached person. To be single or to be paired with an avoidant are sure to increase anxiety and unhappiness. While I think there is truth to this, it leaves a catch-22. The only way not to be anxious is to be attached to a secure person but being anxious often prevents attachment a genuinely secure person. This is not a criticism, just a disappointment with the way the attachment system works.

6. I'm glad they included the "strange situation" and some of the other research supporting attachment theory but I wish they had gone into more depth about the biological and environmental foundations of the various attachment styles. I also appreciate that they acknowledged that relationships in adulthood, for better or worse, can also have an impact on attachment styles, due to neural plasticity. I would have liked to have seen more on this.

Overall, I thought this book was pretty great, quick and easy to read, accessible. I would definitely encourage clients to read it. (less)

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Nov 18, 2012 Ann rated it 2 of 5 stars

This is what I get for not properly vetting my interlibrary loan requests. Contrary to what I thought I was checking out, this is not a popular science non-fiction-type book about the psychology of adult attachment. This is a self-help book, which now that I re-read the subtitle, is clear before even opening the book. Mea culpa.

Ok, but dating sucks and is generally demoralizing and I can think of about a million other unpleasant activities in which I'd rather engage, so I gave it a quick read/sk...more This is what I get for not properly vetting my interlibrary loan requests. Contrary to what I thought I was checking out, this is not a popular science non-fiction-type book about the psychology of adult attachment. This is a self-help book, which now that I re-read the subtitle, is clear before even opening the book. Mea culpa.

Ok, but dating sucks and is generally demoralizing and I can think of about a million other unpleasant activities in which I'd rather engage, so I gave it a quick read/skim. Like just the other day I went on a date with a *grown man* who proudly bragged about how he beat the shit out of his neighbor six months ago. And I'm reminded of Sally telling Harry (in the movie, the greatest, best movie) about how after dinner, her date reached over, plucked a hair out of her head, and started flossing with it. Honestly, I half expect that shit to happen at this point. Dating is terrible. Anyway. Things I already knew: I'm pretty good at communication! People open up to me! It's nice! I'm securely attached! But before my self-congratulations go too far, like most women in our culture, I have anxious tendencies. And since most dudes in our culture (even the securely attached ones!) have avoidant tendencies, like, there's the conflict, or something. I didn't learn anything new there that I didn't already know from (a) life and (b) friends who are smarter (and better researched in this area) than me.

I wouldn't not recommend this book though, if you think you're in need of a little self-reflection and maybe to hone in on the destructive patterns your relationships fall into. Adult attachment is really real, and it will really affect your relationships, and it's best to understand yourself and your behaviors, whenever possible, regardless of the situation, because both personal growth and feeling connected to others are really pretty important to leading a satisfying life. So check out this book if you think you should, and don't if you don't. Trust me, I'm a psychologist.(less)

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Jul 24, 2012 Gretchen Friese rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I read this. Not because it wasn't good, but because I have this thing about posting relationship-y self-help books on here. I don't want people to know that I spend time thinking about my relationship status. I want to seem cooler than that.

This book is better than most relationship books I have read. The author describes how attachment theory can be applied to romantic relationships. There are three types of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Acco...more

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Jul 06, 2012 Deb rated it 5 of 5 stars

**Attached…to this book**

I’ll admit it. I am totally attached to _Attached_. But, not in an unhealthy way, really. I’ve read my fair share of books on relationships (including textbooks during my clinical training as a therapist), and I can honestly say that this book provides the most elegant framework for organizing, explaining, and rescuing relationship problems that I’ve seen.

It clearly delivers on the hope that the authors have for this book:
“We hope that you will use the relationship wis...more **Attached…to this book**

I’ll admit it. I am totally attached to _Attached_. But, not in an unhealthy way, really. I’ve read my fair share of books on relationships (including textbooks during my clinical training as a therapist), and I can honestly say that this book provides the most elegant framework for organizing, explaining, and rescuing relationship problems that I’ve seen.

It clearly delivers on the hope that the authors have for this book:
“We hope that you will use the relationship wisdom distilled in this book, from more than two decades of research, to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life. If you follow the attachment principles we have outlined, you will be actively giving yourself the best shot at finding—and keeping—a deeply gratifying love, instead of leaving one of the most important aspects of your life to chance!” (pp. 272-273)

Based on the science of attachment, the book looks at the three basic types of attachment: avoidant, anxious, and secure. In a nutshell: if you’re avoidant, relationships feel like a threat to your independence; if you’re anxious, relationships feel like a lifeline that is going to be yanked away from you at any moment; if you’re secure, relationships provide you with peace of mind. Early on, the book helps you determine your style of attachment, and the style of your partner as well.

After helping to determine attachment styles, the book takes a closer look at how these three different attachment styles present themselves in everyday life, and when they are most likely to clash. Not surprisingly, the most clash-likely relationship is between a person with an avoidant style of attachment and one with an anxious style. (Can we say distancer and pursuer?) The authors provide both insight and hope for helping avoiding the needless suffering often accompanying this attachment style mis-match:

“People have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.” (p. 270)

The book provides tools and communication strategies that use attachment principles to help you avoid the traps of mismatched relationships (and/or help you free yourself and survive one you may have fallen into), and shows you how to focus your energies on building secure relationships. Even if you’re not the secure type (only about 50% of people are), it still is possible to be in a secure relationship—it just takes a good mix of self-awareness and ongoing work. Think of this book as the guidebook for doing that work.

The cherry on top of this deliciously satisfying book comes in the form of the authors’ simple, but profound, summary of the key essentials for finding and keeping (secure) love:
***Your attachment needs are legitimate.
***You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closet to—it is part of your genetic makeup.
***A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake up call!
***And, above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else. (p. 272)

_Attached_ should seriously be required reading for anyone who has been, is, wants to be, or will be in a relationship. Yep, it is that good. And, so can be your relationships if you take this book to heart!
(less)

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May 20, 2012 Nadeem Ahmad rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Interesting read on the theory of adult attachment in romantic relationships. While the categorisation of every relationship into the possible 3 categories of Secure (50% of the population), Anxious (21%), and Avoidant (25%) may not be all inclusive and exhaustive for those with a discerning and scrutinising disposition; however it does offer a useful insight into your relationships, if you can relate to one of the 3 categories.

What I liked is that the book doesn't tell you which is the best cat...more

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Oct 18, 2011 Abeer Hoque rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: i-recommend

Leave aside for a second that "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller slots everyone into 3 relationship attachment categories: secure (50% of the population), anxious (25%), and avoidant (25%) (I'm as suspicious of GUT paradigms as the next wannabe scientist).

However, the authors are both experienced and practicing psychotherapists, and use case after case to provocatively and persuasively put forth their theory, and explain how recognising your own category (and/or sub category) can help...more Leave aside for a second that "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller slots everyone into 3 relationship attachment categories: secure (50% of the population), anxious (25%), and avoidant (25%) (I'm as suspicious of GUT paradigms as the next wannabe scientist).

However, the authors are both experienced and practicing psychotherapists, and use case after case to provocatively and persuasively put forth their theory, and explain how recognising your own category (and/or sub category) can help you in your love life, whether you're single or coupled up.

Leave aside as well that the examples are overwhelmingly heterosexual (I think I only read about one (tragic) gay couple): the situations, perceptions, strategies, manipulations, reactions, and aftermaths - all of it - can be translated into just about any kind of relationship.

I was startled to see so many aspects of my various relationships over the years (and their breakdowns) described, but most shocking was my realisation that though I think I'm basically secure, I exhibit far more anxious characteristics than I knew or have ever admitted to myself before.

What was nice was how unjudgmental the authors were of each category. There's little to criticise with the secure personality, but the anxious and avoidants were treated with compassion and courtesy, and especially fascinating were the explanations given for why there might be a preponderance of avoidants in the dating pool (they keep breaking up and re-circulating), and why the anxious-avoidant combo is common - despite their inherent incompatibilities (the vicious confirmation of worst expectations). And as someone who is beholden to telling the truth sooner, I was glad to see this injunction repeated throughout - be honest and upfront (to yourself and your lovers) about who you are and what you want and need.

"Attached" is an easy read. I started and finished it on a cross-country flight. It's poppy but not pandering, and it's compelling enough to make you think twice about yourself and the way you think about love and relationships.(less)

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Aug 24, 2011 Faith rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: people wanting a relationship, having relationship issues, or interested in adult attachment theory

Recommended to Faith by: Library

Shelves: relationships, psychology

This book was such a revelation for me! Before reading it, I was only slightly familiar with attachment theory but after reading it, I can see how attachment theory applies to relationships. Whether you're anxious, secure or avoidant, this helps to explain so many relationship issues people have. Attachment really helped shed a lot of light on the issues in my relationships. I see now that people have different capacities for intimacy. Some people have a need and desire to be close and intimate...more

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Aug 14, 2011 Kate Woods Walker rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is an extremely quick pop-psychy read filled with magazine-style quizzes, scorecards and geegaws designed to assist with love relationships, but distinguished by a skeleton of very real psychological and social science research on attachment theory.

Levine and Heller's thesis is that we all fall into three categories of attachment style: anxious, secure or avoidant, and the various combinations, with their attendant strengths and pitfalls, constitute the...more

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Mar 09, 2011 Gretchen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, psychology, relationships, self-help

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I read this. Not because it wasn't good, but because I have this thing about posting relationship-y self-help books on here. I don't want people to know that I spend time thinking about my relationship status. I want to seem cooler than that.

However, I recently found myself dating a person who had me absolutely flummoxed. A friend suggested this book to me thinking it might offer some insight, and I read it rather quickly.

This book is better than most relat...more

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Feb 24, 2013 Lori rated it 4 of 5 stars

Even though I've been married to my soul mate for nearly ten years, I found this book insightful and interesting. I received a copy of this book for free from audible.com during a Valentine's day promotion and having no previous knowledge of the book, I expected it to be more of a scientific approach to relationships based on the title. However, this book was more of a self-help book rather than a dissection of the psychological workings of how and why we chose the partners we do. Just to be upf...more

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Apr 29, 2013 Kevin Hanks rated it 3 of 5 stars

Interesting book with some points to think about. It wasn't amazing and it didn't leave me feeling like I had learned an incredible amount. It did make me want to look at relationships differently though, and for that I give some kudos to the author. I can very hesitantly (and surely somewhat inaccurately) look at and analyze my own relationships and those of my close friends and family, and look for the behavioral cues they point out. This book DID remind me a little of the axiom "to a hammer,...more

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Feb 18, 2013 Lauri rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2_kindle, relationships_marriage, own_it_kindle

A super interesting concept about the ways in which we attach to our significant others. The theory here is that there are three styles and we each present with one of them. The styles all make perfect sense to me, but the theory is that only 1/4 of people change their attachment style every 4 years. According to the theory, some styles go well together and others are doomed. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we've each been through all of the three styles over the course of ou...more

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Mar 18, 2013 Mia rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, psychology

So, this is probably the first self-help book I've read. I can't remember any others which were as blatantly instructive on how to deal with your relationships in any case. So, this is a first for me, and I have to admit I was very pleasantly surprised.

Even though I'm a Psychology grad student and know most of the stuff about attachment that's been said here, seeing it put in such a simple actually did broaden my understanding of the subject. It was also fun with all the little stories and try-t...more

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Jul 12, 2012 Jess rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: ebooks-borrowed, dating-relationships, pop-science, social-science

There are a lot of relationship books out there and I’ve read a few. This one offered a very novel take on things and gave me quite a few things to consider.

Most people have never heard of attachment styles but it makes a lot of sense. People have different intimacy needs and that manifests differently. It also framed things from a personal attachment style and into external behavior. If a person is expressing avoidant behavior, you should recognize that’s not what you need or will make you happ...more

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May 05, 2013 Bridgid rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

p21 "Attached principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs....the more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become."

They counter the codependency myth: "Your happiness...should come from within and should not be dependent on your lover or mate. Your well being is not their responsibility, and theirs is not yours. Each person needs to look after himself or herself....you should learn not to allow your inner peace to b...more

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Apr 11, 2012 Doug Luberts rated it 5 of 5 stars

A friend of mine suggested this to me a few weeks ago, as one of the best relationship books she's read, and it is one of the books I've come across in the self-help/psychology/relationship category. Truthfully, I wish I had this book years ago, but, as the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher appears...And the right books get put on our bookshelves at the right times.

It basically covers our individual attachment styles (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant) and how we can better recognize ou...more

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Feb 08, 2012 Marissa rated it 2 of 5 stars

Bleh. This book had a promising premise and while the underlying theory has some merit, I found the explanations too simplistic, and the examples too stark (almost caricature-like) to capture the nuances of human personalities and relationships. So, while the book had several “A-ha!” moments, the suggestions of what to DO with this information was lacking.

Also, as someone who fell into the Secure/Avoidant category, this book was a let down. There was little acknowledgment that some (most?) peopl...more

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Feb 15, 2012 Frank rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Does this new Science of Adult attachment alter the natural flow of Love? Does science and love even belong together in the same sentence? That is one of the first thoughts that came to my mind when I read the authors' claim of "how it can help you find and keep love." It made me feel like the government was regulating my love life. Does that make you cringe a little feeling science is trying to control Love? How much can one be instructed on a relationship before spontaneity dies and the relati...more

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Apr 10, 2011 Lauren rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: science, self-improvement

This was an interesting book - easy to read. The research was clearly expressed. The information provided from both studies and observations is presented logically. The concept of attachment styles is explained in a way that most can understand. However, there are several issues that the author failed to address. First, he suggests that attachement types are, in part determined by genes (two specifically that directly effect brain function). However, there is a lack of studies regarding siblings...more

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Apr 10, 2013 Maren rated it 3 of 5 stars

Kinda skimmed this one. It's a good primer on attachment styles but it is mainly targeted at anxious attachment issues and totally vilifies avoidant attachment issues, without delving much in to why a partner might have formed one or the other style. It's a "avoidant as villian, anxious as victim" narrative that repeats throughout and seems mainly targeted at helping anxiously attached folks. Maybe the authors figured anxiously attached partners are more likely to seek out a book like this but i...more

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Mar 11, 2013 Damien Franco rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audio-book, non-fiction

This review is limited to the audio book.

I felt like I would have gotten more out of actually reading the book instead of listening to it. This is a rarity for me. I enjoy listening to books during longer drives and while doing chores.

As a happily married man I do think I was able to identify my role in our marriage and how my wife and I can better interact and live with each other. Marriage is work. It's happy work but work nonetheless.

This book is probably more helpful for people who are a...more

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Aug 11, 2012 Adam Shields rated it 3 of 5 stars

Short Review: this is a decent book (oriented toward singles) about the different ways people attach to romantic partners. The science behind the book is relatively new research on Attachment Theory. About the first 1/3 of the book is ways to figure out what type of attachment the reader has and then how to evaluate what type of attachment others have so that you can make better choices to find a romantic partner. The tests at the begining were a bit dull. Some of the science is interesting. And...more

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Apr 11, 2013 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm a psychologist in private practice and have recommended this book to quite a few clients. Unlike other self-help books which can really be hit or miss in terms of appealing to a wide audience, this one has been deemed excellent by every person I loaned it out to and several went out and got their own copies so they could mark them up with notes. Great distillation of attachment research into useable insights to help the reader understand their own romantic relationships. Why do I keep gettin...more

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Feb 29, 2012 Z rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The book Attached was an interesting read, to say the least. The book breaks down Attachment styles into three specific groups, and a fourth rare combination group as well. Those three different groups are Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant; secure being obviously the type of person who can be in a relationship with a healthy balance of intimacy and compromise, Anxious, being the person who responds to troubles by attempting to make themselves closer to their partners, and Avoidant, the person who lo...more The book Attached was an interesting read, to say the least. The book breaks down Attachment styles into three specific groups, and a fourth rare combination group as well. Those three different groups are Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant; secure being obviously the type of person who can be in a relationship with a healthy balance of intimacy and compromise, Anxious, being the person who responds to troubles by attempting to make themselves closer to their partners, and Avoidant, the person who longs for a maintained sense of independence in a relationship, with the fourth category being the Anxious-Avoidant combination. The book gives very little advice comparatively, to people in the Secure style, since they do not really need much help with their relationship-- it mostly just lists traits that they assume Secure people already have. As for Anxious and Avoidant, a lot of the book's focus goes into explaining how these two types are usually what remain in the dating pool, and are often attracted to each other, which is the cause of many different types of relationship woes. The advice therein on how to make a compromise between these conflicting types is a little misleading. The main course of advice they give at the start is to try to become secure, by somehow relating yourself to a secure base or by being around a secure person who could help change you into one too. The issue therein is that the recommendation is implicit that you should try dating someone secure, because they are capable of 'fixing' the issue--which is contradictory to the part where they mention how secure people are rarely on the market.

The advice after that, on teaching you how to deal with the relationship, is all rather obvious. Keep good communication, make sure your partner knows and understands your needs, make deals and compromises, don't blow little things out of proportion... Elementary stuff, really.

In the end, the book itself is good because it does make it easy for the reader to pinpoint their own attachment style, which you can then use as preparation to deal with whatever relationship(s) you may have currently or in the future. The advice, however, is sort of predictable, and as case study after case study are used for examples, a little repetitive at points.(less)

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“Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.” — 2 people liked it

“Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.” — 2 people liked it

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title link	preview: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love
avg rating	preview: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love Goodreads rating: 3.89 (619 ratings)
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BBCode	[url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book][img]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1311705552l/9547888.jpg[/img][/url] [url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book]Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine[/url]

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love

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