Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires and the Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerich

Feb 28, 2012 Ash McPerk rated it 1 of 5 stars

I read this book as a part of a small group of friends. I tried to enter into the discussion with an open mind, but I have to be honest: this book is terrible. There's just no easy way to say this: the author is a chauvinist. The basic premise of the book is based on Ephesians 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It built a case up for why women should always respect their husbands, regardless of his actions, and thu...more

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Jan 16, 2008 Amber rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: no one

I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33,...more I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33, which would include the historical background, the verses (and even chapters) surrounding the verse, the background and point of the book of Ephesians as a whole, who wrote the book, why it was written, and who it was written for, as well as a look at the greek that the original verse was written in. That would be extensive biblical research, what Dr. Emerson did in this book, I’m afraid, is not an example of this in the least.

Tying along with that thought, I can find no sources in the back of his book where Dr. Emerson credits the work of anyone else. Pretty much the entire book is comprised of his own research and inflated with lots of inserts that he has received from readers or people who attended his seminars. While that’s very nice and all, it hardly counts as a credible source that would support his findings. On page 14 he says this:

”The insight that I finally found in Scripture, and which I later confirmed from reading scientific research…” (emphasis added)

What scientific research is this?

Who knows, he never tells us!

I find it very hard to consider Dr. Emerson’s book from an academic standpoint when he only quotes his supporters and I can find nothing that any of his colleagues or others on the same standing as himself in the subject may say about his love and respect idea.

Despite numerous other reasons for my dislike of Dr. Emerson’s book, these two reasons are enough to completely discredit the book in my mind. Beyond these two reasons it is obvious as you read the book that the entire thing appears to be a huge infomercial for his seminars and DVDs, which is terrible. I continually get the impression that I am trying to be sold something.

All in all, the book is a great advertisement and appears to be very effective in promoting Love and Respect Ministries. However, I believe anyone looking to strengthen their marriage or prepare to go into one look to other, much more credible, books. I personally suggest His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. (less)

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Jan 05, 2009 Pink rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: any one who doesn't even know how to talk to their spouse anymore

Recommended to Pink by: my bestie, Kels

Shelves: discovering-who-i-am-inside-and-out

The best marriage book I've found so far. Based on the fact that women need love and men need respect. For years that concept turned me off of reading this book, until the wall was so great that I had nowhere else to turn to find out how to talk to my husband again. This book saved my marriage by teaching me how to talk to my hubby in a way that showed him what I was feeling in my heart in a way he understood.

By the way, I don't recommend taking this book from page 1 if you are in dire straights...more

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Dec 17, 2012 Dan rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: spirituality, sexuality

Like many Christian books, the authors have a really insightful point, namely that women need love and men need respect. They make this point really well in about 10 pages. The rest of the book is a broken record containing this same point told over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and... well, you get the point. Some of the stories are humorous, and they definitely help make the point in the beginning. But after about 25 pages there is no new information, just a re...more

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Sep 20, 2008 Kipahni rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2008-books, marital-bliss

okay don't misunderstand me.
I think it is important for a wife to respect her husband and a husband to love his wife. That being said I didn't care for the way this book was written. The majority of the book was instered letters and e-mails that Mr. Eggerichs recieved praising what miraculous wonders were done in their marriage once she started respecting her husband or He started loving his wife.
I would have liked to have seen more "research" that was mentioned in the book.
All in all I think th...more

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Jun 12, 2009 Annette rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction-self-help, own

My mother bought this book for my then-fiance and I when we announced our engagement, and both of us read it... most of it, anyway. Two years into our marriage, I will rate the advice as "excellent," and I've thus given it four stars. However, like so many "self-help"-type books, there is clear evidence of the author stretching out his material to fill enough pages to justify a solid $25 hardcover. In other words, read the first half of the book (or maybe even less) and you'll have gleaned every...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Mary added it · review of another edition

I appreciated the book - and the message was fantastically necessary and well-stated - but it was well-stated by the end of the third or fourth chapter, and the remainder of the book was actually just restatement and repetition.

Nevertheless, I recommend this book to anyone who is married, engaged, or would like to ever be married. The authors truly do have wise advice and insight to impart on the different needs of men and women, why it is as it is, and how to operate within a marriage to meet t...more

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Mar 13, 2009 Dewey rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is just another pop-psychology, appealing-to-the-masses-but-not-the-truth, feel-good book. It is so popular because it is in the same vein as The 5 Love Languages, His Needs/Her Needs, etc. which center on the anti-biblical/humanistic view of people as "love tanks"/"love banks" rather than the biblical understanding of who we really are (Gen 6:5; Jer 2:13; 17:9; Ecc 9:3; Mk 7:20-23; Gal 5:17; Rom 7, 8)

Yes, it does uses some Scripture, and even part of the book is true, yet any truth is shou...more

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May 06, 2013 Melissa rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I love the ideas in this book and feel they are a very important part of a healthy marriage. My husband and I did this with our small group and we watched the video each week. To be honest we did not do most of the recommended reading because what we did read was very repetitive and long. I do feel guilty about that but we still got a lot out of the videos each week. The questions that went along with the video were difficult in the fact that they were wordy and sometimes felt rhetorical (making...more

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Mar 31, 2013 Amy Lynn rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious eisegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God' first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's...more Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious eisegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God' first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's God given needs. He is rude, caricature-ish, disrespectful, and abusive to women all while attempting to be funny. Eggerichs essentially blames women for the majority of all problems in marriage while giving a free pass to men on their sinful nature which is the result of the fall of man from a Christian's perspective.

I found this book to be misogynistic drivel based on gross misinterpretation of one scripture and wholly unsupported by Christ's own example of male/female relationships in the Bible. Eggerichs carefully yet decidedly fails to support his androcentric arguments without once pointing to Christ Himself. The books has a thinly veiled bitter tone against women throughout the book; however, the DVD seminar punctuates clearly Eggerichs true motives in presenting such biblically unsupported material.

One of the more glaring tools of manipulation that Eggerich’s makes to shame women into showing respect for their husbands without holding him accountable for selfishness is the “he would die for you” mantra which, by the way, is wholly unsupported by scripture. The reality is that there are numerous examples in the Bible beginning with Adam that speak directly OPPOSITE to this assertion and he cleverly ignores these examples in favor of his own ear-tickling words. In my opinion, Eggerich deliberating fails to recognize that Adam, in his pre-fallen state selfishly allows Eve to make his decision for him in lieu of following the truth that he received first-hand from God Almighty, and then does not hesitate to throw Eve under the bus for his lack of leadership.

Did Adam willingly choose to die for Eve as a result? No. He blamed her to try to save his own skin for his sinfulness and then when that didn’t work, he blamed God. Here’s another example that shows a lack of “he would die for you” mentality in the Bible by so-called Godly men. Have we forgotten Abraham who tried to save his own neck by portraying Sarah as only his sister and not also his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt? Abraham was so fearful of losing his wife that he said to Sara, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'this is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." Not exactly supportive of Eggerichs demand that being respectful somehow makes a man want to die for you. Utter excrement! There are other meaningful examples as well such as King David but I need not belabor the point that Eggerichs has no Biblically supported clue regarding man's inherent and ungodly lack of desire to protect anyone but himself.

Eggerichs is extraordinarily prideful in the presentation of the material that he so obviously wants to be true regardless of Biblical evidence to the contrary. This book is remarkably redundant, poorly written, and strongly biased in its message. I remind you that respect is not something exclusive in terms of needs to men or have we forgotten 1 Peter 3: 7 & 8? I would never recommend this book and/or video series to anyone seeking to seriously understand and improve their marriage in God's way. If I could give this book half a star, I would.

*For a greater understanding of my concerns regarding Eggerichs L&R, please follow the link below to review Mark Baker's academic study regarding the many flaws of this damaging teaching.

http://hopeforlifeonline.com/document...
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Sep 28, 2012 Elizabeth rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: faith

I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he sa...more I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he said the wife being critical and negative often kicks it off…). He takes one verse in the Bible and writes a long book on it, this bothers some people, though he does refer to other scripture as it pertains; and if you don’t like personal stories, then this book will drive you crazy. The concepts of ‘blue/pink’ and crazy cycle are named rather cheesiely, but as still good concepts. I didn't read the middle section addressed to men on showing love so I can’t judge that yet. Some say that he says the women should take the start but the book clearly says whoever feels they are more mature should be the one to die to self and start off the positive cycle.
But back to women feeling blamed, really if you think about it, what is more liberating-saying things are bad and are mostly his fault so I’ll just wait and hope things get better and he will love me the way I want OR saying things are bad and they are part his fault and part mine (and the my part could be anywhere from 1% to 99%, as Bill Clinton says, “No one is right all the time and a broken clock is right two times a day.” though he was referring to politics not marriage, anyway), so let me take some principles and work on self improvement in showing respect and see what happens, which could 1-be complete restoration as my respect motivates his love or 2-somewhat improvement or 3-nothing changes except me realizing that I am obeying God’s word to unconditionally respect my husband?
Some good thoughts to remember:
We often think all are supposed to love unconditionally but people have to earn respect, this isn’t true, both should be given unconditionally in obedience to God.
Women don’t often stop to think of the ways we are behaving disrespectfully. We often think we have things together at home and scheduling, etc and order our husbands around but then lament that they then aren’t more leaders. We often think that we have things more together spiritually and lovingly try to change them to our image of what a Christian husband should be and make them feel judged and guilty. We often try to behave as their Holy Spirit instead of (this is biblical too, and until reading this book I don’t think I understood it) letting our quietness and respect change hearts. We try to change them and even when motivated by love, don’t realize that it comes across as disrespect. We often are tired and grouchy and negative around our husbands and save our best behavior for the world when really we need some self control and to go to God to vent. Often we give the impression (often unknowingly) that while we love our husbands we don’t really like them, which makes them feel contempt and can totally ruin a relationship. (and don’t worry in all these topics he gives lots of disclaimers about abuse, the need for honesty, etc)
He gives lots of great practically examples about words to use, keeping it light and how to remember that men and women see the world, their relationships and communication in different lights.
I could go on and I really should read it again but hopefully others will read this to improve an already good marriage. Of course this book isn’t the only word out there; there is much more to having a good marriage and much more in the Bible on the topic but for any couple who has been bombarded with the guy just needs to shape up message, or someone who wants a different look from the ‘just love more’ idea, this is a great book.
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Jul 06, 2012 Clark Goble rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

In this Focus on the Family book, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs makes a very simple proposition; most of the problems between a man and his wife are communication gaps. Furthermore, these divides can be overcome if the couple can embrace the true meaning of Ephesians 5:33, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” While this may seem like easy concepts to understand, Dr. Eggerichs explains the common ways men and women fail to grasp them. Using...more

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Jun 28, 2012 Stella rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: To Improve Marriage

Ephesians 5:33 has been there of two thousand years! Why do we miss it!

Husbands are to Love their Wives, and Wives are to Respect their Husbands.
Some think this is archic thinking, but it's not
As survy of men who were asked... "For the rest of your life, would you rather be loved or would you rather have respect?" ...Overwhelmingly the men perfered Respect over love.
Our Husbands need our love...But they need our Respect. They need it unconditionally.
God created women to be loving and nurturing.....more

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Jun 18, 2012 John Ausmus rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

If you read nothing else regarding marriage and relationships, read this book!!! I have read many books, and attended many classes, seminars, etc. and nothing compares. This is the best, most interesting, insightful, profound, life-changing resource I have ever come across on this topic. You and your entire family will be blessed by this–even if your spouse does not go through it with you.

Dr. Eggerichs understands the power of habits or cycles, which can perpetuate themselves over long periods o...more

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Jan 03, 2012 Lana rated it 3 of 5 stars

I read this book because it was one of the books that Dave Ramsey said he required everyone who worked for him to read. Sometimes the book got a little repetitive, and I didn't agree with a few things, but it gave me some things to think about. He gives a quick review of what men need from women and women need from men on page 260.

Quoting a man with cerebral palsy: "God is preparing me for heaven. . . I am in His oven, so to speak. I am being baked for an eternal purpose. I am not finished yet....more

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Aug 27, 2011 Susan rated it 1 of 5 stars

I believe this author has it wrong thinking women are more interested in "FEELING loved" than in BEING respected and treated like intellectual equals. So many women go out of their way to respect (and love) their men to the point of being doormats and yet still feel unloved and disrespected, and are then hit on the head with Bible passages to boot.

It would be beneficial if the author spent equal time showing men healthy ways to communicate what they need in order to feel respected (and loved). I...more

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May 04, 2011 Lifeverse rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Love and Respect written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a turning point for any marriage, healthy or not. Decoding the Love and Respect Relationship is the central theme of the book, based upon Ephesians 5:33 [Open in Logos Bible Software (if available)] . We want these basic needs fulfilled and without them, our marriage becomes a bitter battleground for the enemy.

Most often we read the book because someone recommended it. A few years ago when my husband handed me a copy of the book and said “I sa...more

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May 17, 2010 Katie Casey rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: married or engaged couples

The Lost Meaning of Ephesians 5:33

Ephesians 5:33 (NIV) states: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” I think most of us GET the “love” part; yet tend to overlook the “respect” part. In his book, Dr. Eggerichs unpacks this verse for us with plenty of personal stories, scientific studies on gender differences, and additional scripture. Eggerichs explains and illustrates the impact of this verse on relationships with what he c...more

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Apr 27, 2010 Cafelilybookreviews rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, president of Love and Respect Ministries, has taken the teachings from his seminars and put them into book format.

With three decades of experience, Dr. Eggerichs is committed to helping couples change the way they communicate and treat each other. He teaches breakthrough techniques and shows couples how to stop the crazy cycle of conflict and learn to reach new levels of intimacy. This book is based on the idea that a wife’s driving need is to feel loved, while a husband’s...more

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Feb 07, 2010 Sueij rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Linda Murray

Recommended to Sueij by: Uncle Jerry

This book needs two ratings for me:
on the topic of love and respect in marriage: 4 or 5 stars
on his theology and 110% framing of love and respect by that: 1 or 2 stars

On the love and respect part:
Neat ideas. The premise is that what women need from a relationship is first and foremost love, but what men need first and foremost is respect. When a wife doesn't feel loved, she is likely to act in ways that feel disrespectful. When a husband doesn't feel respected, he is likely to act in ways that f...more This book needs two ratings for me:
on the topic of love and respect in marriage: 4 or 5 stars
on his theology and 110% framing of love and respect by that: 1 or 2 stars

On the love and respect part:
Neat ideas. The premise is that what women need from a relationship is first and foremost love, but what men need first and foremost is respect. When a wife doesn't feel loved, she is likely to act in ways that feel disrespectful. When a husband doesn't feel respected, he is likely to act in ways that feel unloving. The author gives examples and offers actions and plans for how to change "The Crazy Cycle" into "The Energizing Cycle."

I don't know if love for women and respect for men is really the be-all and end-all in a relationship like Eggerichs suggests, but there was a lot of really good stuff in there.

However, on the topic of his theology:
Eggerichs clearly and explicitly believes in "inspired scriptures," that is, the Bible as the literal given and transcribed Word of God that cannot be questioned. He believes in the absolute authority of the husband in a marriage, that it is adultery for a married man to admire a woman's body who isn't his wife, and other such staunchly fundamentalist perspectives. (To give the man some credit, he is clear that the man's authority doesn't allow for physical abuse -- he tells the women "Get out!" -- and that authority comes with a balancing obligation to care for and honor and protect his wife.)

But asking, "Does it sound chauvanistic to say...?" doesn't make you not a chauvanist. The acronym to help wives act respectfully toward their husband is CHAIRS (as in, Chairman of the Board kind of chair), which stands for Conquest (a poorly chosen word for the weight men give to their professional lives), Heirarchy (his desire to provide and protect), Authority (yep, how he has 100% in the marriage), Insight, Relationship, and Sexuality.

I could hardly stomach the stuff. In the time of the New Testament, slaves were treated like dirt and wives were treated like slaves. Jesus, Paul, and the other early Christians called for a new and radical view of these relationships. Slaves were to be treated humanely, and wives were to be treated with honor. These were radical notions. Now we believe that slavery is just plain wrong, yet some Christians think that the actual recommendations about marriage were the endpoint. I think early Christians called for a radical rethinking in the direction of equality. I believe it's the perspective that we should bring forward, not the absolutes of that time and culture.

So if you can make it through the theology, the love and respect content has something valuable to offer to any relationship. If you can.(less)

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Aug 27, 2009 Melissa rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.

This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn’t explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side...more

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Jul 16, 2009 Terra rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book addresses a tremendous lack in literature and teaching within the church regarding marriage. Dr. Eggerichs is absolutely correct to emphasize the respect that wives are called to give their husbands. The main concept is Scripturally sound: husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially; as Christ loves the church; wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands with words and actions.

Unfortunately, the manner in which Dr. Eggerichs expounds upon th...more

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May 12, 2013 Janette Wagner rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have always struggled, probably due to my melancholy personality, with feeling loved. Intellectually I knew I was loved, but emotionally I couldn't feel it. This has caused a lot of heart ache for me that I really didn't understand, so when a couple of friends told me I had to read this book, that it had helped their marriages, I was willing, but skeptical that it could make a difference.
I was wrong. In the two days since reading the book, I have felt so much love. The book taught me how my hu...more

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Mar 02, 2013 Janet rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, psychology

Love and Respect is written for Christians of general "goodwill" who want to mold their personal lives and marriages, absent abuse, to the Scriptural standard articulated in Ephesians 5. I don't think it possible for anyone to read this book without understanding, with the greatest clarity, how Dr. Eggerichs defines love and respect because he uses simple language, bullet points and repeats himself constantly. On the other hand, maybe that's not a bad thing when trying to transmit a counter cult...more

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Jan 08, 2012 Laura rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian, marriage

I like the idea that women need love and men need respect. When I read this basic statement, a light bulb went off in my head because this is how my husband and I function as people in a relationship. However, I do not think that this concept applies to ALL relationships. Some men value love more than respect, and women value respect more than love. And they all value both. Futhermore, I feel like the point of this book was made within the first few chapters. After that, it just got very repetit...more

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Apr 02, 2013 Heather rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really like the central message of this book. I've believed for years that one key to a happy marriage is for the wife to protect her husband's dignity and for the husband to let his wife know beyond a doubt that she's the ONLY woman in the world for him. I am thrilled to see this essential message in a book with examples of how to actually live this out.

I believe that every person is unique and that we don't fit neatly into packages, but I do believe there are differences in men and women esp...more

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Jun 20, 2010 Michael Whennen rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: relationship-restoration, wisereaction, women-wives

I could relate directly with much of what Dr Eggerichs has written about in his practical experiences dealing people, however I become weary when I read some statements in his book which I did not agree with in relation to his understanding of scripture. Please read Mark Baker's
A Thorough Review & Examination of the Love & Respect book

I agree with Nathan Lugbill (Pastoral assistant, Capitol Hill Baptist Church, Washington, DC) when he says this book (Love & Respect) is well written...more

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Dec 05, 2011 Breeana Shill rated it 3 of 5 stars

The author's main point is insightful and makes sense. It is that men need respect and women need love. Since reading it, I've sought to say or do things in a way that, I think, would make my husband feel more respected. I've noticed him being more loving in very small (yet significant) ways. So, it's proving to work for me, at least. I'm thankful to the friend who loaned me the book!

I only gave it three stars because the author quotes a TON of scripture, and then talks about whatever he's quote...more

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Apr 15, 2009 LeeAnn rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: self-help, marriage-and-family

I have realized from this book how deeply ingrained men's and women's differences are. Both are important and both are absolutely necessary, but it is time to recognize we are not the same and the same things do not motivate all. In a simple statement from the book, "Husbands and wives need each other." It is not a weakness to recognize this; it is a strength upon which to build.

The main scripture that Dr. Eggerichs uses is one in Ephesians 5:33. He uses a different translation than I do, and I...more

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Jun 22, 2012 Joseph Louthan rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Any book is completely dangerous when you try to make it law. However, the author here is completely careful:

"Most men..."

"Most women..."

Skimming for the gold and letting the impurities burn away, this book is an excellent resource to help in marital communication. I have a difficult time communicating my feelings and this book has helped me in a long ways to communicate with my beautiful wife.

What I appreciate most about the book is the necessity in changing my instincts. Where my instincts tel...more

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