My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Rate this book

Clear rating

1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

by Chelsea Handler

3.78 of 5 stars 3.78 · rating details · 57,997 ratings · 4,877 reviews

Memoir of part of Chelsea Handler's life.

Kindle Edition, 226 pages

Published (first published May 12th 2005)

more details... edit details

Get a copy:

More…

Friend Reviews

To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up.

Lists with This Book

This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Add this book to your favorite list »

Community Reviews

(showing 1-30 of 3,000)

filter | sort: default (?) | rating details

Feb 04, 2009 Petra X rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: biography-true-story, humour

I watch Chelsea Handler's late night show on tv and the disconnect between her professional-young-woman look and foul-mouthed retelling of her sexual expoits is quite funny and I looked forward to more of the same in the book. However, the humour lies in her drunken exploits picking up a myriad of men and then her personal insults against them, whether it be their 'size', personal habits, looks, intelligence or housekeeping ability. There are several side characters, all of whom might have been...more

24 likes · like · see review

Oct 04, 2007 Melody rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I couldn't finish this book. I found it distasteful, facile and pandering. It made my skin crawl. Loathsome. I'm certainly a fan of sex in all its consensual forms, so that part didn't squick me a bit, other than it just wasn't written in a fashion that made me like any of the participants. The author blithely trotted out and proudly displayed nearly every flavor of prejudice in the first 80 pages. I'm bewildered by the apparent popularity of this collection.

38 likes · like · see review

Jun 10, 2008 Linda rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: those who have had "moments"

Recommended to Linda by: Lisa

Shelves: non-fiction

As if I needed more help feeling like a nun.

Wow! Chelsea takes a no-holds barred look back at her sex-capades. There is something in this book to make everyone squirm. It fits into the same category as the movies "American Pie" or "Superbad" - and that category is: I must watch them alone so that I have absolutely no witnesses to which obscenities I find most hilarious. I want no record of what I laughed at.

This was fun to read (and quick) but I don't think it's for everyone. The virtuous girls...more

14 likes · like · see review

Jun 25, 2008 Heather rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: comedy, chelsea-handler

I about died reading this book. Seriously, I had to put the book down several times because I was crying so hard from laughing. I am not normally the type of reader who laughs out loud at what she is reading. However, I am thankful that I was home alone for most of this book. Having witnesses would have made me appear to be some kind of whack job.

I highly recommend this book unless the following things bother you, offend you, or any other type of negative feelings ensue: sex, body parts, swearin...more

35 likes · like · see review

Aug 12, 2008 Logan rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Recommended to Logan by: K@

Shelves: biography-memoir, humor

Hilarious, as always. Magnificently endowed midgets, an Adonis of a stripper known only as THUNDER, a cruise ship performer- her conquests stack up rather quickly and fortunately for the reader nearly always end in tears and/or vodka. Chelsea is always willing to skewer herself for the cause of a good joke and this book is full of them. Definitely not for the easily offended or delicately sensible.

10 likes · like · see review

Jul 23, 2008 Melissa rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read the first chapter and I hate this book so much I'm returning it to Amazon. I'm amazed that a bridge and tunnel twat could pass this trash off as literature.

15 likes · like · see review

Jun 07, 2008 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoirs-autobiographies, humor, non-fiction

I really liked this book. Chelsea Handler is hilarious! In this book she tells of her many misadventures with alcohol and promiscuity -they had a tendency to go together- and her crazy family and friends. The book starts with a tale about the time Chelsea's oldest sister Sloane dared her to walk in on their parents and take a picture of them having sex for five bucks and ends with Chelsea finally coming to the realization that she is a -grown ass woman- and that it's time she acted like one, che...more

8 likes · like · see review

Aug 25, 2007 Suzanne rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Any woman who doesn't easily offend

Shelves: chick-lit, adult-nonfiction

I was embarrassed reading this book in public. I was getting a pedicure while reading parts of it and swore the pedicurist had xray vision, could see what I was reading, and subsequently thought I was a huge perv. This is supported by the crappy pedicure I recieved. Regardless, this book is hilarious. A perfect trashy beach read. I cannot fathom that parts of it were not embelished for hilarity's sake, but hilarious it was. Let this be your guilty, guilty pleasure.

13 likes · like · see review

Dec 29, 2008 zabs rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: people who think that just saying the word "vagina" or "midget" is funny

Shelves: seriously-awful

The only reason I finished reading this was because I bought it then immediately got on a plane, which is like putting yourself in book-jail.

I wasn't offended by the situations or language. I was offended because the book was seriously unfunny.

29 likes · like · see review

Mar 09, 2009 Michael rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: read-in-2009, audio-book

I hope for the sake of the innocent and guilty that the names in this kiss and tell book were changed. Actually that should be more like--have sex with and tell, but that's beside the point.

Chelesa Handler's memoir of memorable one-night stands is both as racy as you'd expect and not nearly as racy as you'd like to think. Handler's humor is self-deprecating and the fact that she finds such an assortment of one-night stands is an intersting one. The book could definitely be an advertisement for A...more

8 likes · like · see review

Mar 02, 2008 Sherese rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I picked up this book for 50 cents at my local library's weekly book sale about two weeks ago. I figured what the hell, it's 50 cents and I think Chelsea Handler is rather funny on her E! talk show. Plus, I need something light anf fluffy to read after reading two very serious books. I thought the first 121 pages of this book ( the rest of the book was okay, but not hilarious like the first half) was absolutely hilarious! I laughed out loud frequently and read excerpts of the book to my roommate...more

4 likes · like · see review

Sep 26, 2007 Libertine rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, sex, sociology

As the title indicates, this book contains several anecdotes about a female libertine's one night stands. The author is a comedian by profession, and the book reads like Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum doing promiscuity.

Handler spends more time writing about her hookup disasters, the "fish" she threw back, rather than her successful encounters. This is probably because the book is classified as humor, despite it being also a memoir. Some successful scores are included, of course, written in a n...more

2 likes · like · see review

Jan 18, 2009 Penny rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 1-turned_the_last_page

I have never considered myself prudish before - but reading these recollections and seeing how little respect Handler had for the men she encountered really depressed me. I had hoped that the book would be Fun and Liberating - The story of a confident, single woman who took charge of her sexual experiences! What a Let-Down! There were a handful of funny one-liners - but after reading this book, I found that I really didn't like the author and that her exploits left a bad taste in my mouth !!!!

12 likes · like · see review

Jul 20, 2008 Meowy rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: My friends

OMG! This woman kept me laughing, page by page. I didn't want to stop reading, but I had to get to work. Thank goodness for my rides to and from work in a bus, I get to read rather than pay attention to what's going on on the road. People must've thought I was retarded when they would see me suddenly burst out laughing out loud. I got lost in Chelsea's world. I can't wait to read her other book.

You gotta know her and what she's about before reading this or you might think she's too raunchy for...more

10 likes · like · see review

Aug 01, 2007 Becky Diak rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Funny Funny Funny, and hopelessly wonderful. I couldn't put it down. It just kept driving me to read more of these hilariously awful experiences. How I don't know. And Honestly I'm not too sure I care. Proclaiming that she "[feels] it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone", Chelsea unabashedly hands you her life in a way that could only make the reader feel better about their own, with the wierd twist of truly wishing you had a friend like her in your life. And I love her for it.

4 likes · like · see review

Nov 26, 2007 Meredith rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

In this collection of random one-night stands, Chealsea Handler is sarcastic, hilarious, intelligent and witty. Oh, yeah, she's also a slut. This book is as easy as Chelsea - to read, with each one-night stand comprising a chapter, so it's great for put-it-down/pick-it-up readers who can take either a day or a year to finish this collection of stories. Important to note - this is not erotica...the comedian writes on the humorous circumstances and events around the hookup, not the actual sex.

2 likes · like · see review

Dec 26, 2012 Jillyn rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: the not easily offended

Chelsea Handler is a comedienne best known for her show, Chelsea Lately, as well as her previous books (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang). She brings her edgy, often profane and hilariously offensive sense of humor to this book, which is a collection of one night stands that she has had in her life. Ranging from men to odd fetishes, midgets, and men who can't even "rise" to the occasion, she brings a unique perspective to the life of a single woman in LA.

---

Th...more Chelsea Handler is a comedienne best known for her show, Chelsea Lately, as well as her previous books (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang). She brings her edgy, often profane and hilariously offensive sense of humor to this book, which is a collection of one night stands that she has had in her life. Ranging from men to odd fetishes, midgets, and men who can't even "rise" to the occasion, she brings a unique perspective to the life of a single woman in LA.

---

This book is exactly what it sounds like. Each chapter presents a different man that she has slept with (or, has tried to sleep with), and each one is funny for its own reason. I've watched her show on E!, but this was my first introduction to her best selling writing.

+ My Horizontal Life really is hilarious. Personally, I'm an introvert. I'm not a big party-er, and I'm not even close to the level of sexual casualness that Chelsea is. To be honest, I think that's what made this book funnier. I can't even fathom half of these situations happening. I don't know how I'd react to some of these men, other than to be speechless in disgust/disappointment/awkwardness. The fact that she's so calm, cool, collected, and so damn hilarious when facing these kind of events is a special kind of talent, and I've got to give a tip of the hat to her for that.

+ There was a good variety of stories. Though each chapter is similar (at the end of the day, this book is about sex. Simple as that), they are strikingly different. This made it a quick, easy read that didn't drag on monotonously. I thank her for spicing up her sex life stories for my own entertainment purposes. Cheers.

- True, there is no actual plot to this book. It's more of a diary or collection of short stories than a novel. However, at the end, there's a resolution that ties up the previous 200 pages of sluttitude. It happened really fast, like there was a page maximum limit and the book needed to instantly stopped. It made me sad that I was suddenly out of pages.

+/- This point is neither a positive nor a negative. A lot of reviews that I have seen mention her being awful and offensive. Some people probably think so. Hell, a lot of people probably think so. I can not stress this enough: If you are offended by her stand up, or are unfamiliar with her brand of comedy: DON'T READ IT. It's that simple. Comedy is in the eye of the beholder. I find alcohol induced embarrassing sexual woes hilarious. You might not. To each her own.

This book was a much needed pick me up in a time of the holiday blues. If you like her comedy or previous books, this is up your alley. If you embrace or appreciate the partying, sex embracing, drug snorting lifestyle, you'll get at least a few laughs from this. But if you're easily offended, prude, or uncomfortable with this type of crass humor, don't even bother picking it up. I promise, you won't like it.

This review can also be found on my shmancy new blog, Bitches n Prose.(less)

3 likes · like · see review

Apr 27, 2008 Becky rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book on the plane to Orlando and read her latest book "Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" on plane ride back. It was an easy, hilarious read. Chelsea Handler is ruthless and crass but I love her. This book is a tell all about her numerous hookups and relationships. Some of the stories make you cringe but her shamlessness is also refreshing.

3 likes · like · see review

Sep 06, 2007 Meredith rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler Fans

Shelves: memoir, read_2007, humor, top10_2007

Loved, loved, loved this book. Chelsea really does take things to the extreme and while I read the book I couldn't believe that it was a memoir. You could have read the book thinking it was fiction the things that she did were so outrageous. If you like Chelsea's humor than this is a book for you. Finished it in about a day because I loved it so much.

4 likes · like · see review

Aug 27, 2008 Greta rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I am not a night owl, so I rarely catch "Chelsea Lately" on E!.... however, I am going to have to stop going to bed earlier than a senior citizen and start watching! This book is hilarious and crude (often disturbing!) but was very entertaining.
Thanks to Ingrid, who passed it on to me...who received it from her friend Rachel....

4 likes · like · see review

Apr 16, 2008 Sarah Levine rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book in a day or two and it's the kind of book where you will find yourself laughing out loud...on the subway. Public places. Her stories are unexpected and amusing and she tells them with a lack of emotion that plays well into her dry humor. Definitely a fun book to read if you are looking for something light.

2 likes · like · see review

Jun 19, 2008 Allison rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I laughed on buses and trains and in restaurants reading this hilarious confessional. It should have been embarrassing but I couldn't stop either the reading or the laughing. This won't be a one night stand for me. I love Chelsea!!

4 likes · like · see review

Jul 28, 2008 Beth rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Recommended to Beth by: John Porter

Shelves: memoirs

I don't like that according to Goodreads that 5 stars means the book was "amazing" because I wouldn't go as far as to say this book was amazing but it was definitely hilarious and laugh-out-loud funny. That's 5 stars in my book.

3 likes · like · see review

Dec 15, 2008 Michelle (labbie) rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: read-in-2008

I was really excited to read this, having heard good things. What I liked about it was that each chapter was pretty much a stand-alone story, so honestly I could pick it up for 5 or 10 minutes here and there and finish it that way, which is what I did. However, the author (to me) seemed to be trying too hard to be funny. I can't explain it- I'm not saying the stories were not true (although really I did wonder at times). I think it may have been the writing style. I much prefer Jen Lancaster's w...more

3 likes · like · see review

Jun 23, 2008 Kori rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler fans, Laurie Notaro fans

Chelsea Handler is so freakin' funny, I can hardly stand it. I wish she would move her drunk, slutty, foul-mouthed self to to Wisconsin so that we could become best friends.

6 likes · like · see review

Jun 18, 2008 Maggie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: mine

This book would make anyone laugh out loud. Or maybe not. Just do me a favor and if you don't like it, don't tell me or I will lose all respect for you.

4 likes · like · see review

Feb 22, 2009 Robin added it · review of another edition

I've learned that Chelsea is even funnier than I thought :)

2 likes · like · see review

Nov 13, 2009 Wendy added it · review of another edition

One of the funniest reads in a long time!

2 likes · like · see review

Feb 15, 2012 Kurt Pankau rated it 5 of 5 stars

Without question, this book is fluff. I feel guilty rating it as highly as I did, but the book is such well-executed fluff that it's difficult to put down. Written as a series of self-contained episodes, Handler chronicles the party-girl days from her late teens to her late twenties and the increasingly bizarre and outlandish situations she finds herself in while pursuing non-committal sex. Popcorn-sized anecdotes and wickedly funny scenarios/dialogue/editorializing keep the momentum up, and she...more

1 like · like · see review

May 29, 2011 Kasia S. rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Candid, shocking, hilarious, crass, sometimes gross, sarcastic and somehow still charming, that's Chelsea for you. Since I've been watching her late night show on E! for over a hear and a half now I wasn't as stunned as an average reader might be but the book was still a handful, easy to read but with many "holy moly" moments through in, some parts had me laughing so loud that I thought something would burst in my body, her comedic spirit is her own, she's not pretending to be funny, it's simply...more Candid, shocking, hilarious, crass, sometimes gross, sarcastic and somehow still charming, that's Chelsea for you. Since I've been watching her late night show on E! for over a hear and a half now I wasn't as stunned as an average reader might be but the book was still a handful, easy to read but with many "holy moly" moments through in, some parts had me laughing so loud that I thought something would burst in my body, her comedic spirit is her own, she's not pretending to be funny, it's simply part of her personality and it works.

Being one of many siblings has made Chelsea a natural goofball around people, considering she seems to be the most mischievous and outgoing and perhaps the funniest. From an early age she hasn't shied away from figuring out things that parents want to keep hidden for as long as possible, resulting in a hunger that made her life look like one giant party. It was funny reading this and thinking that now I'm the age Chelsea was when the book was ending, and comparing of course how insanely different we are, I still had a blast reading about her conquests, one night stands ( half of them were more than one night, it made me laugh) and in between bizzaro incidents that made me feel better about my own past, I guess young men are mostly frogs and she proves it well in this hilarious memoir of sorts. Now no offence to the normal men out there, I believe you're hiding in between the wolves but they weren't so common in this bedside memoir.

This was a fun and fast read, something one can get through in a day or two, it might induce cravings for cocktails as one reads it, and I know I wanted one during each chapter. Chelsea is honest and funny, her personality really shines through even if it's bit over the top sometimes but ultimately she proves that she's a good friend to those close to her and I like that about her, she's not empty, she cares and she has a good heart.

I watch her show with my bf every night and it rarely fails to make us laugh, sometimes it gets boring, other times its really out there, but she says whatever she thinks of celebs and calls them out when they are lame and I love that. She brings some much needed humility to the Hollywood scene but always with some laughs.
(less)

2 likes · like · see review

« previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 … 99 100 next »

new topic
Discuss This Book

topics	posts	views	last activity
Who loves Chelsea Handler?	8	44	May 20, 2013 09:52pm
One Night Stands...	22	201	Aug 24, 2012 12:43am
Free Book Giveaway: Free giveaway of Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands	1	5	Aug 18, 2012 09:39am

combine
Other Editions (17)

More editions...

Genres

Autobiography > Memoir

193 users

Womens Fiction > Chick Lit

111 users

Humor > Funny

106 users

Book Club

63 users

Sexuality

52 users

Humor

51 users

Non Fiction

47 users

Short Stories

33 users

Womens

31 users

Family

24 users

See top shelves...

Readers also enjoyed similar books

About Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, “Chelsea Lately,” airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m. Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, “Chelsea Lately” offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths and rumors that...more Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, “Chelsea Lately,” airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m. Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, “Chelsea Lately” offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths and rumors that just won't die, along with other hot topics of the day. Bringing refreshing new energy to and redefining perceptions of the talk show, “Chelsea Lately” is an authentic and hilarious commentary on the celebrity culture around us. Both Handler and the show have also been recognized as pioneers in late night with the show boasting five female writers to account for half of its writing staff. This is unprecedented in the late night arena that has historically been dominated by male hosts and writers.

In addition to her wildly successful television series, Chelsea is equally well-known as a best-selling author. On March 28, 2010, she achieved a spectacular feat when her three books took the #1, #2, and #3 spots on the New York Times Best Seller list. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, from Grand Central Publishing, was the #1 nonfiction hardcover; Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, from Simon Spotlight Entertainment, was the #2 nonfiction paperback; and My Horizontal Life, from Bloomsbury, was the #3 nonfiction paperback. In hardcover, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea debuted at #1 on the New York Times Best Seller list when it was published in April 2008; and My Horizontal Life has been a bestseller for 80 weeks.

As a testament to her versatility and tireless work ethic, Chelsea’s 21-city comedy tour, also entitled “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang” and sponsored by Belvedere Vodka, kicked off in March 2010. After tickets sold out immediately, Live Nation added 15 more shows. As one of the nation’s most acclaimed and cutting edge-comedians, Handler delivers a sharp combination of fearless honesty, ironic riffs and self-deprecations with no shortage of material.

With her roots in both stand-up comedy and television, Chelsea was also the star of Oxygen’s “Girls Behaving Badly” (now syndicated in over 90 markets ) for all of its four seasons. She also starred on E! in “The Chelsea Handler Show.” In 2007 – 2008, Chelsea starred with Jenny McCarthy and Leah Remini in the hugely popular MSN online web series “In The Motherhood.”

In March 2009, Chelsea was honored the prestigious Ally for Equality Award by the Human Rights Campaign, recognizing the outstanding efforts of those who dedicate time, energy, spirit and whole-hearted commitment to better the lives of LGBT people. She continues to be an influential and dedicated advocate for the LGBT community.

Handler, who grew up in New Jersey, currently resides in Los Angeles.(less)

More about Chelsea Handler...

Books by Chelsea Handler

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Life As I Blow It: Tales Of Love, Life & Sex . . . Not Necessarily In That Order

More…

Share This Book

Facebook Twitter Your website

Trivia About My Horizontal Lif...

3 trivia questions

More quizzes & trivia...

Quotes from My Horizontal Life: A ...

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.” — 732 people liked it

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.” — 465 people liked it

More quotes…

title link	preview: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
avg rating	preview: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Goodreads rating: 3.78 (57997 ratings)
small image	preview: click here [close]
med image	preview: click here [close]
BBCode	[url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8179720-my-horizontal-life?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book][img]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1328313650l/8179720.jpg[/img][/url] [url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8179720-my-horizontal-life?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book]My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler[/url]

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Friend Reviews

Community Reviews

Share This Book

Share This Book on Your Website