Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics

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Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics

3.58 of 5 stars 3.58 · rating details · 348 ratings · 71 reviews

A funny, upbeat, inspiring guide for all those singles who identify with enjoying their unique lifestyles while waiting for the right romance to come along. A celebration of the discerning singles everywhere-the quirkyalone

There was a time when a single woman over 25 was called an old maid. Mothers fretted these unfortunate creatures might be condemned to a committing a cr...more

Hardcover, 176 pages

Published January 6th 2004 by HarperOne

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Sep 27, 2012 AennA rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

As I began reading the book, I was ready to claim I am a quirkyalone. For, as defined:

quirkyalone n. a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple. With unique traits and an optimistic spirit; a sensibility that transcends relationship status.

It's a wonderful definition. I'll be proud to claim I'm a quirkyalone. But I guess I am not a true blue quirkyalone.

The word was coined b...more

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Feb 16, 2008 Katie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I liked this book because it had exactly the intended effect on me. Namely, I saw myself reflected so strongly in the characterization that I thought, "Oh. Maybe I'm not a total contradiction, overly discerning, or just plain dysfunctional after all." I don't see myself as the kind of person who needs affirmation from a book (hence the whole "quirky" part, I guess) but I found this really valuable because it helped me look at my some of my characteristics in a new way and understand how they rea...more

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May 19, 2008 Piezocuttlefish rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone who's just dumped someone

Shelves: owned

When I picked up this book, I was filled with vitriol at its contents; that it didn't get one star is fairly astounding.

It does quite a good job at being a self-help book. It gets one to feel good about being a part of the QA group, lists all sorts of wonderful qualities of QAs, admits that you can even be a member even after you've lost your aloneness, spending a fair amount of time highlighting how QA relationships work, and introduces many famous and unknown QAs. "You're in awesome company!",...more When I picked up this book, I was filled with vitriol at its contents; that it didn't get one star is fairly astounding.

It does quite a good job at being a self-help book. It gets one to feel good about being a part of the QA group, lists all sorts of wonderful qualities of QAs, admits that you can even be a member even after you've lost your aloneness, spending a fair amount of time highlighting how QA relationships work, and introduces many famous and unknown QAs. "You're in awesome company!", the book says.

Hell, I even wondered if I was really a QA in disguise. I mean, I do all these supposed QA things: question traditional relationship structure, have friendships that are in some ways more fulfilling and intimate than dating relationships, fall into romantic obsessions, and celebrate that some of the people in whom I'm sexually/romantically interested do not live in the same city.

The bulk of the book, however, has nothing to do with things that are intrinsically QA, and that is its beauty. It's affirming in a way that says "You can be one us awesome QAs no matter what you decide to do next.". Once it grabs on to an individual who seems like he'll identify as a QA, it tells him how wonderful he is.

Why I don't go so far as to actually like the book is because I don't ultimately buy into the very essence of QAness actually being healthy. Oh, sure, they are oodles of healthy things QAs do and healthy attitudes that QAs have. At bottom, though, one is not a QA unless he "prefers to be alone". The QA "[has] no patience for dating for the sake of not being alone. [He wants] a miracle." Holding out until that miracle falls into one's lap has a consequence: he loses (or perhaps never gains) the ability to build intimacy. QAs do not contribute to a community of romantic intimacy; they take the fruits of it (especially if monamorous!).

"We wear a protective armor in public", says Cagen to a confused QA. To an extent, we all do this, but Cagen highlights that the QA does this more than most. The QA wears the armour around, sometimes everywhere, needing that armour to protect himself from people. If a QA doffs his armour, he does so around a Platonic friend rather than around the mate. It reminds one of someone scarred by or too scared by the depths of romantic intimacy. The QA carries around that armour because his skin isn't tough enough to handle the abrasions that come with intimacy. The QA withdraws to lick his wounds alone because he hasn't found a way to let others close enough to do that for him.

Even though swayed by how wonderful being a QA sounds, I realised that, still, QAs were people whom I at bottom reject. I prefer the wonders of the polyfidelic community, the people who are defiantly themselves while finding that just one person isn't enough for all the intimacy they have. Some QAs are certainly members of the polyamorous community, but polyfidelity is the bane of QAness. The polyfidelic people I've known don't carry around thick shells because they're adjusted to intimacy, to forming strong connections with people.

QA, then, is a helpful book if it falls into the right hands, but it isn't the best book, or perhaps even a good book, for it doesn't encourage loners to rise to the challenge of building connections between humans. It seems like the essence of QAdom is that, because QAs "[accept the] fact that we all must live and die fundamentally alone", they're better off not even trying to see just how close humans can get. QAdom is markedly better than the status quo, but it's not the only alternative, nor is it the best. In the end, I'm dissatisfied with QAness like I am with Libertarianism: moving people in this direction would be wonderful, but taking it to the ideological conclusion would produce a terrible situation.(less)

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Nov 19, 2007 Emily rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

QuirkyAlone tried to be a movement. It probably fizzled because QuirkyAlones just aren't much for group hugs and scheduled bonding sessions. That's not to say that we're quitters, though. Search the craigslist personals for 'quirkyalone' and you'll still come across the keyword once in awhile. THEY'RE OUT THERE.

I went through an extensive single self-help reading list one summer and it only made me feel hopeless, isolated, and indignant. The one thing I retained was an anecdote about a single wo...more

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Oct 16, 2007 Tracey Gagne rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: quirkyalones and those who wish they were...

Okay, I loved this book! My friend Dawn recommended it, and once I put some real effort into it, I could NOT put it down!

I've always known that I'm quirky and always wondered why I spend more time alone than in a relationship. In 2002, I called my aunt to tell her that I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life-- at the time, I was single and loving life. I've always cultivated friendships and held them in high esteem. I would have preferred to go to my proms without dates, but I didn't know at...more

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Dec 24, 2007 Anna rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: single girls needing to know that it's okay to be single

Shelves: psychology

This was a comforting book to read, and I do tend to classify as a "Quirkyalone", with a few exceptions to the author's definition as such. First of all, I don't consider myself to be an "Uncompromising Romantic" as it states in the title, not at all. And I don't need to be given suggestions as to what to do with my time that's not being spent having babies or searching for wedding gowns or going to PTA meetings or even couples therapy.

But still, it's nice to know that there's a world of single...more

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Sep 30, 2008 Sherry rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Hava, The Captain

Recommended to Sherry by: QueenieCarly

Shelves: 2006-2010

This book took me totally by surprise. I was expecting a self-help-how-to-live-with-being-single type of book. Definitely not the "Does this sound like you? Guess, what? You're okay!" read that I got. It started out almost as a justification for being single, but the further into the book I got, I realized that this is who I am. I have been quirkyalone-in-denial for most of my adult life. Reading this book has helped me feel secure in my decision to hold out for someone really special, that I mi...more

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Apr 17, 2012 Marsha rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: humor, non-fiction, self-help

What is a quirkyalone? How do you know if you are one? Coined in 2004 (though it appears to have died out of use in casual conversation), this word referred to a new generation—people who were going it single and found it surprisingly agreeable. They’re not women proudly proclaiming their independence from marriage while secretly terrified of dying spinsters, folks going from one horrid relationship after another because everyone prods them to give the dating scene another chance or long-sufferi...more

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Feb 08, 2009 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I adored this book. It changed my life in the best way possible!

Actually, it didn't change my life so much as reinforce what I already knew. A good friend suggested that give this a read - she had stumbled across it and felt that it descirbed her to a T. Well, it was me to a T also.

QUIRKYALONE: n:a person who enjoys being singe (but is not aopposed to being in a relationship) and generally preferes to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple; someone with unique traits and an...more

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Apr 09, 2010 Tracywendt Wendt rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

If you've ever uttered the phrase: "I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship" and actually meant it - read this book.

If you've ever sympathetically told your grandchild/child/niece/nephew/friend/neighbor/coworker, "It'll happen for you" or "the right person is just around the corner" or "There's someone for everyone" or my personal favorite, "It will happen when you least expect it" - then been puzzled when the beneficiary of your condolences shrugged indifferently and said "whatever. mayb...more

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May 05, 2009 Keely Hyslop rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: feminist, non-fiction

Loved the concept, would have liked a slightly less chatty writing style and also felt like the book was a little too padded with individual Quirkyalone profiles.

Still, in terms of the whole single vs. coupled debate this book kind of has the final word. If you're in a relationship it should be because you love the person for who they are, not because you need to find Mr. or Ms. Right before you pass into decrepit spinsterhood/ grumpy-old-maniness, and also not because you think the person you'...more

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Jul 14, 2012 Miranda rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: lady-writers

Although comforting at times, there was something about it that seemed like the other extreme. Here we are condemning those who go from one relationship to the next, without realizing how unhealthy it can be to always be shut up in your own world. This book, to me, didn't foster the idea of meeting in the middle. Rather it encouraged one to go on being afraid of entering relationships or waiting around for someone who fully understands you.
Of course, I've had mostly negative views of self-help...more

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Feb 29, 2012 Rachel rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I wanted to like this, and I'm sure there are things in it that I could get behind. But the author seemed so excited at the word she made up (the title) and the 'movement' it sparked on the baby internets (in the nineties, imagine!) that I had trouble finding a thread to follow anywhere in the text to keep me reading. I just didn't feel like it said much and, after a few chapters, I gave up.

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Jul 28, 2009 Amber rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-adult, non-fiction

ah, I liked the article in Utne Reader. I really wanted to like the book, but I'm sorry, it just seemed like the publishers said to Sasha Cagen - "Hey, can you fill up 150+ pages of stuff like that article you wrote and everyone liked?" And she was all like, "Sure!" And then she made it super perky, and chucked in loads of cutesy pictures and doodles to fill up all of the acres of empty space, and then sprinkled it with Gen-X pop culture references, and lists like "famous best friends" which inc...more ah, I liked the article in Utne Reader. I really wanted to like the book, but I'm sorry, it just seemed like the publishers said to Sasha Cagen - "Hey, can you fill up 150+ pages of stuff like that article you wrote and everyone liked?" And she was all like, "Sure!" And then she made it super perky, and chucked in loads of cutesy pictures and doodles to fill up all of the acres of empty space, and then sprinkled it with Gen-X pop culture references, and lists like "famous best friends" which includes pairs like: "those friends from Seinfeld" and "Will and Grace", sitting next to names like "James Watson and Francis Crick" (who, um, weren't best friends).

And then there's loads of stuff about QAs being idealists, who will hold out their entire lives as singletons rather than "settle" for a partner who doesn't really understand them, but then again, "another aspect of a [QA:] may be realism about relationships and an appreciation for various relationships in our lives, ones that don't necessarily have to be lifelong... For some there's nothing wrong with the idea of having various partners over the course of a lifetime". UM?? So really, some people hold out and some don't. Some are realists, some are idealists. Cagen tries so hard to get people to feel "in on" her "movement", that QA ends up meaning, basically, "anyone who isn't completely devastated by the idea of not being in a romantic relationship 100% of the time". Which, excuse me if I'm wrong, is probably a large majority of the population. And not the "5%" she quotes but seems to have plucked out of the air.

I mean, maybe this book would have meant more if it came out in 1979. Or even 1992. But there's something kind of weird about it coming out in 2004. For example, the following (slightly paraphrased for brevity) passage:
Some QAs get married. On the other hand, some "may even feel repulsed by the trappings of traditional marriage, an institution rooted in the idea of a woman as property that devalues friendship, and elevates the sexual relationship above all else..."

Er... I was in my 20s in 2004 and I don't think I knew one couple in which a man viewed his female partner as "property". And every rom com since When "Harry Met Sally" has been about a woman finding a man who is "her best friend". So what's going on here, chicky? Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of issues with male/female relationships in this day and age, but the definition of QAs as a "movement" in opposition to some kind of 1950s Donna Reed version of reality that Cagen is calling "mainstream culture" didn't really wash with me. I left the book feeling like it was one big "hey, it's okay that you're still single, girlfriend, because..." lovefest, rather than an intelligent exploration what it means to be someone who, unlike Cagen by her own admission, did not spent their youth scanning NYE parties for someone, anyone, to kiss.

Also, although I am a girl, like many men commenting here, I really really resent the female bent of this book. There are a lot of men who are just as stigmatised by their family and friends for not getting married or not having a serious relationship. Why are they "far more rare"? Just because Cagen did a self-selecting, informal survey in a magazine once and 60% of casual respondees were women? Is that an excuse to treat this book like a "how to love yourself" guide for women who haven't yet had any luck in the dating world? So unfair.

At any rate: there was a book before this one about real 'Quirkyalones'. It was written in 1942 and it is called "The Outsider", by Colin Wilson. I suggest you read that instead of this fluffy, brainless tripe. (less)

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Jul 18, 2010 Julie rated it 3 of 5 stars

I really like the concept of Quirlyalone but the book itself was repetitive and not that interesting. I'm glad my friend told me about it. It's always nice to find out about a movement/category that brings quirky people together and make them feel a little less alone/weird. Its a thought that helps when other people keep trying to tell you how marriage and children are things you "should" pursue or give you that condescending "I didn't want to get married when I was your age too".

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Oct 01, 2012 Pat rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Looking at the other reviews, those of us who fit the Quirkyalone or Quirkytogether profiles rate this book more highly than those who don't. There definitely was a "Yes!-Someone else like me" factor to my enjoyment of the book. That said, this would have been better as an extended magazine article or essay. Too much padding by adding the profiles of quirkyalones around the country (I didn't care who their favorite Golden Girl was, for example). But parts of the book I may ask my husband to read...more

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Nov 06, 2012 Arlian rated it 1 of 5 stars

I would say this was 1.5 stars? I can't say I hated it, I just didn't bother to finish it. This book is geared towards people who need validation that it's okay to be alone, but further more, It really would only appeal to the very, very young (or emotionally very young), or reeeeeeeaaaaalllly boring normies. Anyone in the kink or poly scene would be soooo bored by this book, as I was.

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Apr 01, 2012 April rated it 2 of 5 stars

I like the idea of doing your own thing and being proud of it. I don't like creating silly new words, especially involving a word I already dislike ("quirky"). I found the "quirkyslut" part especially distasteful.

The book's a silly read; if that's your thing you may enjoy it. I find the concept of proud singleness more appealing than the book itself or its title.

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Nov 27, 2009 Stephanie rated it 3 of 5 stars

One of my friends recommended that I read it..I picked it at the bookstore and read it in like 2-3 hours. It is funny and an easy read....AND it is not just for single gals! There are lots of anecdotes, profiles and ideas on how to celebrate your independence, self and friendships!
A cute and fun read, if you're not in the mood for a novel

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May 04, 2013 Pleaseadvise rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is great for anyone who would rather not follow the culturally prescribed path of an all-consuming, independence-busting romantic love. It's sad that something like this would feel so radical in this day and age, but being single or being independent feels like an alternative lifestyle sometimes.

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Nov 22, 2012 Sarah Baker rated it 3 of 5 stars

Am I a quirkyalone? Probably. Did I like the book? Kinda. There's some good information buried under what I view as over-the-top tweeness. Then again, one person's twee is another's quirky. (But I am glad to know I'm not the only person who watches dating shows to feel better about not dating!)

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Feb 21, 2012 Deb rated it 5 of 5 stars

*Together in our aloneness*

A funny, insightful and right-on look at how being single & alone is better than together & lonely; a nice reminder that loving thyself is a prerequisite for the possibility of loving others.

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May 01, 2008 Jennifer Kronk rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Jennifer by: Bitch Magazine

Shelves: non-fiction

I bought this book soon after it first came out in 2004. When I read it then it was a relief to discover that I was not the only one who felt "deeply, profoundly single." In fact, in my situation, I would almost add the word "pathologically [single.]"
I really love the subtitle of this book; "A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics." Quirkyalones are not against the idea of being in love or being in relationships. We just will not do it just do it.
I picked it up recently to see if it still spo...more

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May 14, 2009 Shannon rated it 5 of 5 stars

I love this book! This book helped me to figure out what was "wrong" with me all of this time. Now I am able to feel like I am part of a group that understands that I am not a freak!

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Jan 11, 2011 Patti rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, read-in-2011, reread

Just what I needed! I am definitely a quirkyalone, and am glad I remembered this book. It's another step forward for me, and reminded me of ways I can continue to take care of myself.

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Aug 29, 2012 paul redman rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book should be sold bundled with "Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone". They both speak to a similar trend but touch it in two distinct ways. This book speaks to the personal side.

I found myself relating closely to many concepts & topics in this book. There were several "me too!" moments. That said, there were a few "I'm not quite there, yet" moments as well. All in though, I discovered that I lean to the "Quirkyalone" end of the dial rather than the...more

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Feb 15, 2011 Jienna rated it 5 of 5 stars

This books is enlightening. Sasha Cagen has described so eloquently what I have been feeling, thinking, and experiencing all these times. Quirkyalone!!

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Jun 19, 2010 Evamaria rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010

This was just what I expected - a voice that seems to describe me, my perspective on life and love and relationships. Yep, I'm definitely one of the tribe of quirkyalones... :)

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Feb 14, 2009 Katie marked it as to-read

something makes me skeptical, but the smooshing together of the two words makes me think there might be something interesting in there.

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Jan 08, 2008 Robin rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: those who like offbeat non-fiction

Recommended to Robin by: read about online, I think

Shelves: 2008-list

Why did I read this book? Well, after being married for 22 years I am now divorced and have been living alone for nearly 2 years. Maybe I don't fit the typical description of a "quirkyalone" because of my marriage and kids but I like the time I spend with myself and I rarely feel lonely. Currently there is a man that I spend time with but the cool thing is that some of the time we're together, I am reading or cooking and he is online or reading so we are not constantly sharing the same space. Th...more

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