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I Am J

3.76 of 5 stars 3.76 · rating details · 1,741 ratings · 301 reviews

J always felt different. He was certain that eventually everyone would understand who he really was; a boy mistakenly born as a girl. Yet as he grew up, his body began to betray him; eventually J stopped praying to wake up a "real boy" and started covering up his body, keeping himself invisible - from his family, from his friends...from the world. But after being deserted...more

Hardcover, 352 pages

Published March 1st 2011 by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

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Booklist for Trans Youth

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The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green

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Apr 11, 2011 Vone Savan rated it 4 of 5 stars

Identity is a daunting and controversial issue. For me, the dichotomous nature of identity became very prominent and tangible during my teenage years. As a teenager, I thought I knew so much about life, but at the same time, I felt so lost and confused. I was trying to find an identity, a purpose – any purpose – but not knowing exactly where to look. And in all honesty, I don’t think this feeling of searching for a purpose truly ever leaves us. I know I still feel it, even as an “adult.” For all...more Identity is a daunting and controversial issue. For me, the dichotomous nature of identity became very prominent and tangible during my teenage years. As a teenager, I thought I knew so much about life, but at the same time, I felt so lost and confused. I was trying to find an identity, a purpose – any purpose – but not knowing exactly where to look. And in all honesty, I don’t think this feeling of searching for a purpose truly ever leaves us. I know I still feel it, even as an “adult.” For all of us, identity and purpose just changes and bends and morphs into something new as we encounter different stages of life. It’s a natural part of being human. In the novel, I Am J by Cris Beam, a seventeen-year-old transgender named Jenifer Silver (he goes by the name J) faces his personal struggle for identity and purpose.

J was born as a female, but all his life, he inherently felt male. He began to realize this because even as a very young child he had male proclivities. He was attracted to girls; he wanted to wrestle with boys; and he peed standing up. But his emotions of feeling like a male were beyond these examples. It was something visceral and profound – almost indescribable. But because of his parent’s (Manny and Carolina) and society’s strict definition of what it means to be male and female, J was never able to express what he felt. If anything, he was encouraged to repress it.

The novel starts with J’s intentional, but harmless kiss on the lips with his best friend Melissa, while she was sleeping. This prompts Melissa’s commonly dramatic behavior to come out once she realizes what was happening. She ends up telling J to go home…and then later the next day, sends him an email stating that they need a break from each other, even in spite of their long-term friendship. Though J was deeply hurt by this decision, it also fueled his desire to leave his “comfortable” environment, and take the risk that he’s always wanted to take: start his transformation into a full-on male. That is the where the novel really takes off.

The only negative thing I will say about the novel (to get it out of the way) was that in the beginning, I was slightly turned-off by the didactic prose of Beam’s writing. But as I kept reading, I easily got over it because it became unnoticeable. Beam’s writing ended being great.

I love this book…and here’s why: I Am J kept me interested. When I wasn’t reading the book, I was thinking about what J was planning on doing next, and how the book would eventually unfold. But beyond this, there was so much more to enjoy and appreciate. The novel was so smart and educational and touching and relevant and thoughtful and many, many other great adjectives.

Right away, the one thing I appreciated was how Beam was able to educate the reader on the differences between being a masculine lesbian and a transgender. She did a great job dissecting and explaining the physical and emotional differences; something that I wanted and needed to know as a reader.

I also loved how Beam fully fleshed out the main characters. I loved that J had a talent in photography; and that Melissa had deep emotional issues; and that Carolina was a contradiction. This gave the book life and a relatable, necessary quality; a quality that people needed to understand in order to empathize with the characters. Beam easily accomplished this.

But the one thing I was most impressed with was what I was able to extract from the book – and that was lessons in humanity. Before I read I Am J, I predicted certain themes and elements that I thought would be in the book. Themes like self-discovery and situations relating to the harsh reality of discrimination and homophobia, which Beam did talk about. But there was another layer of the book that I didn’t predict, and was pleasantly surprised by.

I Am J illustrated the concept of beauty in conviction, and that the only person who can truly define who you are and what you can make of yourself…is you. I loved how J didn’t give into the criticisms and judgments from his provincial environment or society’s outdated values. I also appreciated J’s unwavering confidence and strength that helped him fight off the self-loathing that can easily manifest from similar circumstances. J was able to define his own self-worth. He did not let anyone else define who he should or should not be. That’s a lesson I love!

One last great lesson I extracted from the book is its advocacy of “not judging a book by its cover.” For example, in the beginning chapters, I didn’t like Melissa, but as I kept reading, I began to understand her character more and more. And by the time she did her AMAZING dance recital, I loved her. (Side note: Melissa’s gutsy rawness in her dance scene was magnificent!)

This novel definitely pushes people to see beyond the outside, the exterior, and to really relate and delve into the interior of a person before forming opinions. When a novel is able to dig deep and open reader’s eyes to something this great, then the book gets nothing but kudos from me.
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Nov 13, 2012 Emily.rebman rated it 5 of 5 stars

I really liked this book because I have a few friends who are Trans and it made me realize what they go through every day in their life. If you have friends or family members who know someone who is Trans have them read this book it will open their eyes to what these kids go through. It also has a character that cuts and I can relate to this because I have friends who have cut. Overall, I really liked this book and would recommend it to anyone who wants to learn about transgender people and the...more

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Sep 25, 2012 Christina rated it 4 of 5 stars

The first chapter or so I thought this was going to be a really lame book but it turned out to do a fine job not conforming or being too preachy. I eventually got invested in the main character and couldn't see where exactly the story was going, which felt natural not forced. Nice alternative YA book to the endless publication of fantasy lit and girls squealing over boys junk.

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Dec 31, 2012 Kalie rated it 4 of 5 stars

I Am J is an interesting, touching book by Cris Beam that follows the life of a transgender high school student. J has always felt that he is male but as he grew up his body betrayed him. In this book, we get to experience J’s journey to accepting himself and getting others around him to see him for who he truly is, a man.

I really enjoyed how this author tackled such a difficult subject and presented it in a way that allows people to learn about what being transgender is. While this is fiction,...more

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Nov 02, 2012 Nick rated it 4 of 5 stars

Why did I read it?

I just started another library science class this summer, and it is Children's Literature for a Diverse Society. I am J is a new book that just rolled across my desk, and it fits right along with the themes of my class.

What happened?

J might have been born a girl, Jeni, but he has known his entire life that it was a mistake. He knew that if gender was assigned, that his was assigned incorrectly. J has plodded through his life, stuck with a body that he hates and that continues t...more

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Jun 28, 2012 Hilary rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: teach-it

This is the story of J, a trans boy. He's also Puerto Rican and Jewish, which makes this book different than most of the others in the LGBTQ subtopic in YA lit, which mostly focuses on white kids. (Can't have too many diverse issues at once, you know!) Is it the most interesting plot in the world? No. But the author, who, given her personal history and experience, knows what the hell she's talking about, does a great job of narrating an experience that I, by definition, cannot be empathetic to,...more

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Mar 29, 2012 Star (The Bibliophilic Book Blog) rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: reviewed

I Am J is the heart-wrenching, poignant, and touching story of J, a transgender teen, who only wants to be accepted as he truly sees himself - as a man. J was born as Jeni, but has always felt like his body was wrong, like he was dealt a bad hand in life. J comes to terms with his gender identity and wants to make the transition from female to male (FTM). However, his family can't accept him as a male and he is always getting picked on at school. How will J ever find the acceptance he's looking...more

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Jan 29, 2012 Mark rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: coming-of-age, glbtq, relationships, young-adult-literature, rainbow-list

"Carolina paused. 'But you're still a kid, J. You don't know what you are yet. One day you want to be a veterinarian; the next, a photographer. How can you say you want to be a - a boy?'

'Mami -' How could he explain? It was like explaining the blood moving through his veins. It was constant, definite, nothing he controlled or chose. You could put all kinds of muscle and skin on top, and then add clothes and tattoos and makeup and hats, but nothing would change that blood."

J, born Jennifer, lives...more "Carolina paused. 'But you're still a kid, J. You don't know what you are yet. One day you want to be a veterinarian; the next, a photographer. How can you say you want to be a - a boy?'

'Mami -' How could he explain? It was like explaining the blood moving through his veins. It was constant, definite, nothing he controlled or chose. You could put all kinds of muscle and skin on top, and then add clothes and tattoos and makeup and hats, but nothing would change that blood."

J, born Jennifer, lives with his parents in NYC, and has slowly come to the realization that he is a male, trapped in a female's body. J is doing what he can to make himself look like a girl - wearing layers of clothing, and even a makeshift chest binder, but he feels he cannot truly begin to transform until he begins taking testosterone injections. Through the interactions with his parents, his best friend, Melissa, the girls with whom he passes as male, and other transgender individuals he meets through a support group and school, J moves towards educating others, and himself, about his gender identity, and the process he wants to go through.

I thought this was an excellent portrayal of a young person coming out to family and friends, and coming to grips with what is necessary to fully become the person he wants to be. Beam's writing is a little didactic in the first half of the novel, but the second half moves more smoothly; either I got more used to Beam's style, or the writing became clearer, or a little of both. There are far too few books about transgender teens, and this one holds up well alongside other titles like Luna, Parrotfish, and Almost Perfect. I especially appreciated how Beam shows readers the coming-out moments that J has to experience, and what happens when the aftermath is not pleasant; J has to leave his parents' apartment, and spends some time surviving on the streets; by contrast, in Parrotfish, Grady remains in his family's home. Both are excellent representations of the LGBTQ experience, but in very different ways. A hard book to teach to an entire class, certainly, but definitely one of which teachers should be aware. (less)

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Oct 31, 2011 Brooke Johnson rated it 2 of 5 stars

I Am J is the story of J (born Jennifer) as he struggles against the social definition of gender. When I first heard of this novel, I was immediately interested: a struggle between one’s true identity and the identity given at birth. I thought it would be a fascinating read. It was. The story was interesting and the writing was well done.

But I didn’t connect to the characters. I couldn’t empathize with J, and I don’t think that it’s because I’m not transgendered (I have read several books where...more

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Aug 09, 2011 Love YA Lit rated it 4 of 5 stars

Nora's Review: J is half-Jewish, half-Puerto Rican, and he was born a girl. Growing up in New York City in a small apartment, J’s parents always encouraged him to do well in school, and they don’t really mind that he is a lesbian. However, J is not a lesbian – he is a boy, and he knows his parents are not going to be happy when they find out.

J decides the cure to all his problems will be testosterone shots, but he doesn’t understand why he has to legally go to a therapist to get permission to tr...more

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May 05, 2011 Barbara rated it 4 of 5 stars

I went to this book at the recommendation of a friend. The beginning was slow, without that recommendation I would have put this aside. I'm glad I didn't. I am J deals with a boy born into a girl's body by mistake. He has no doubt what he is and bristles at being called a lesbian. That may be the one big fault I found, his homophobia which he does overcome after spending time with other GLBTQ people. J is clear that he is a boy, and has realized this since he was two or three. It's his body that...more

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Apr 06, 2011 Doret rated it 3 of 5 stars

Jeni was assigned the wrong gender at birth. In the sixth grade, Jeni starts going by J . Now a senior in high school, J knows he's transgender and wants to begin the transition to his rightful gender. We first meet J going to a party so his best friend Melissa wouldn't have to go alone. Since the party wasn't J's scene, it's not a great place to meet him. I felt the author through J tried to squeeze in as many facts about J and Melissa's family and friendship as possible. It felt forced and unn...more Jeni was assigned the wrong gender at birth. In the sixth grade, Jeni starts going by J . Now a senior in high school, J knows he's transgender and wants to begin the transition to his rightful gender. We first meet J going to a party so his best friend Melissa wouldn't have to go alone. Since the party wasn't J's scene, it's not a great place to meet him. I felt the author through J tried to squeeze in as many facts about J and Melissa's family and friendship as possible. It felt forced and unnecessary, since it was only the first chapter.

In his head J refers to his parents by their first names Carolina and Manny*. J relationship with his parents has been very shaky recently. When J realizes they think he's a lesbian, he's beyond frustrated at not being understood. When I got to this point in the story, I couldn't help but think at least J's parents are trying to accept what they believe to be his sexual preference. If I had understood J's a bit more I would've looked at this scene differently.

I thought the author did a good job of allowing the reader to see J for who he really was. A male born in a female body. Beam gets across J's frustrations at being misunderstood and called a lesbian. In the beginning J's a little homophobic. In the end I realized it would be difficult to defined as something your not daily, and then begin to dislike the incorrect label. I wish Beam would've had J explain his aversion to being labeled a lesbian. Since I don't know much about transgender I couldn't understand why being called a lesbian was the worst thing in the world. Though it does seem obivious now.

J starts doing some searches and learns about testosterone shots and binding. J really wants to begin T shots to start the transition. J begins skipping school and binding his chest. When J meets some girls around his age they only see him as J the boy. J loves his new persona. It was nice to see J come into his own but I have a difficult time believing, J never considered binding or testosterone before the internet search. I will admit I midway through I wasn't enjoying I AM J as much as I would've have liked. Then this paragraph that made me happy I kept on reading.

"No," J answered quietly. He focused inside. It felt as if part of the bone had broken free, its sharp edge scraping a piece of rib, then floating on, looking for a new place to root. Could it be that feelings actually did physical damage? Could he really have broken something? Did the pain stem from hearing his mother's words or his own. He remembered what his old swimming coach used to say when the team was aching and groaning but still had more laps to do: "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." I won't suffer, J thought. This may hurt, but I won't suffer. The bone settled."

It was almost midway in and worth the wait. I really started to like J. Maybe I was looking at the story differently but it started to flow a bit better. J was starting to find his own way. He moved in with Melissa and her mother, and enrolled in a school for GLBTQ, teens. I love how J uses his photography to express himself. There's a great wow moment with J taking a photograph of himself, and it hits me how much he's gone through. I thought Beam's describe this scene beautifully.

I am happy I got a chance to read I AM J. And so glad I didn't put it down. There's a lot to take away from this story and J. Don't let my critics fool you, I AM J is a good and worth while read.

*J's mother is Puerto Rican and his father is Jewish. The name, Manny kept confusing me, since I think of it more as a Latino name than a Jewish one, even though its both. I couldn't help but wonder why the author didn't use a different name for J's father. I lot was made of J being a character of color. Puerto Rican cousins and summer trips to PR were mentioned, and a handful of Spanish words though J still didn't feel Latino to me. Though Beam still succeeded in creating a transgender character readers can learn from and a good story.
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Mar 28, 2011 CD rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: everybody

This is the first book I have read Other than Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil that had a transgender character. J is the main character and is a transmale, although physically female. I found this book to be compelling and real. The struggle that J goes through, but his internal conflict, the familial conflict and the problems that arise with J's relationships with peers are told in such an unflinching and forthright manner that they seem honest, real and natural. I did not get that air...more

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Mar 02, 2011 Lawral rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: arc, ya, 2011

I was a little scared of this book. I knew that Beam had it in her to realistically portray the transgender experience, so my expectations were super high. I also knew that a book like this has the potential to be filled with well-meaning stereotypes in order to present the most inclusive picture: of trans folk, of Puerto Rican New Yorkers, of the dream of being a "real boy," and more. But my fears were unfounded; I loved this book. J really rang true to me as a character and as a transguy, and...more I was a little scared of this book. I knew that Beam had it in her to realistically portray the transgender experience, so my expectations were super high. I also knew that a book like this has the potential to be filled with well-meaning stereotypes in order to present the most inclusive picture: of trans folk, of Puerto Rican New Yorkers, of the dream of being a "real boy," and more. But my fears were unfounded; I loved this book. J really rang true to me as a character and as a transguy, and his experiences, though not universal (thankfully not everyone has to move out or change schools in order to transition, though some undoubtedly do), were realistic. I Am J was everything I hoped it would be.

But I did have a couple of problems. I found it hard to believe that J, who has been looking around on the internet for information and support since he was eleven, hadn't heard about T (testosterone injections) or a (chest) binder until he was seventeen. I'm willing to let that go as it allows the reader to learn about these things at the same time that J does. I don't think it would have been such a problem if the book wasn't so obviously written by someone who, like J's support group leader, "talk[s] about the 'gender binary' and 'those of trans-masculine identification' as easily as reciting the alphabet" (243).* Beam is a very very knowledgeable woman, as evidenced by her previous work of non-fiction, Transparent: Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers. She seemed to have a difficult time balancing her wealth of knowledge with the naiveté of her narrator.

This may look like more criticisms than praise, but it's really not! I loved I Am J, and I applaud Beam for taking on the issue of transitioning in the context of cultural and familial expectations, and the fallout from not meeting those expectations, in an accessible and authentic way. Not to mention that she wrote a pretty great story of a teen trying to find his direction and place in the world, regardless of all the issues that J has to deal with. I think this is a must buy for libraries serving youth; it's Luna for the guys.

Book source: ARC provided by the publisher.

*Quotes and page numbers are from an uncorrected proof and may not match the published copy.
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Feb 27, 2011 Angela rated it 4 of 5 stars

An intense and necessary novel. While I am cisgendered, this certainly feels like an authentic story of one transgender teenager, and Beam is careful to point out in an author's note that this is a fictional story written by a cisgender author, albeit one based on extensive personal research.

I loved that, unlike many other LGBT novels, the angst and main conflict in this doesn't stem from J questioning his identity and freaking out over it - from page one J knows that he should have been born in...more

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Feb 20, 2011 Minli rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: contemporary, young-adult, made-me-think, yay-diversity

Issue novel, though not said to detract from its value. J was born female, but in his mind he has always been a boy. Not only is it about a transgender teen, J is also biracial. I am really happy to see this book in publication, because for the people who need it, it has the potential to change lives.

However, in terms of structure, it's written almost like narrative non-fiction... a factual account of the struggle/process, even interspersed with resources available to questioning teens. There's...more

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Jan 23, 2011 Jaclyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

I enjoyed Cris Beam's non-fiction book "Transparent" about transgender teens, and I enjoyed this book too, and it certainly isn't a commonly covered topic. J was born a girl but has always felt like a boy, and this book covers the resulting struggles, the changing relationships with friends, family and the outside world, attempts to get testosterone, meeting other transgender teens, etc. I cared about J and the characters rang true to life-Beam's personal experience with transgender teens shines...more

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Oct 26, 2010 Shawnta rated it 4 of 5 stars

There are not many novels that are written for the NYC teens of color about issues of gender. Beam offers us a chance to introduce to teens the complexities of indentity, the ramifications of lying, and the integrity that is built when one is true to oneself.

This is a great read for the student with the hoodie on who sits in the back corner of the library, talking to no one, but always peering with one eye out towards the world, watching, wondering if anyone notices his/her stare. The overweigh...more

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Nov 24, 2012 Rob rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: trans

I had a little bit of trouble reading this book, and then I had a lot of trouble deciding whether I liked it or not.

Before I begin, the problem with reading young adult fiction that is about transgender kids/young adults is that there are only three books to my knowledge that talk about this. There is Luna, Parrotfish, and I Am J. It was awhile ago that I read Luna and Parrotfish, and I think I need to revisit them, but I remember not hating them, and being able to get past the parts that were "...more I had a little bit of trouble reading this book, and then I had a lot of trouble deciding whether I liked it or not.

Before I begin, the problem with reading young adult fiction that is about transgender kids/young adults is that there are only three books to my knowledge that talk about this. There is Luna, Parrotfish, and I Am J. It was awhile ago that I read Luna and Parrotfish, and I think I need to revisit them, but I remember not hating them, and being able to get past the parts that were "wrong." Here's the thing: Luna and I am J (to my knowledge) were written by cisgender women. Ellen Wittlinger(Parrotfish) is not included in this because I am not going to make a judgement on someone that I cannot find information about. Anyway, Cris Beam and Julie Anne Peters(Luna) did a lot of research while writing their books, and for that I respect them. However, there are certain things that cisgender people will never understand, no matter how much they educate themselves, because they do not have personal experience of what it's like to be transgender and live in a body that you do not feel is really yours, for years and years. I don't want to offend anyone by saying this, but I feel that it is true.

The reason why I mention this though is because this is one of the reasons why reading and rating these books is so hard. They have to be written, and if transgender people aren't going to write them, then someone has to, right? There are inaccuracies, but that is only my opinion. And that is why even though these books are written by cisgender women, that does not make them inherently bad or wrong because even if they were written by transgender authors there are so many ways to be transgender, so many ways to realize that you are transgender, so many ways to struggle with being transgender, etc., that it is impossible to ever feel like everyone's identities and feelings are discussed, especially when there are only 3-4 examples to choose from.

That is why, even though I Am J is not perfect and may not represent all transgender people, that does not mean someone will not relate. And even if someone reads this book to learn a little bit more about what it means to be transgender, it is okay if this is one of the few books that they learn from, as long as they know it is not every transgender boy/man's experience. Nowhere does Cris Beam (or the other authors) imply this, but since there are so few books about the subject, sometimes it feels that way. This is why it is important that when they are written that they are accurate. These are just things to keep in mind when reading books about being transgender when written by people who are not transgender.

Anyway, onto my troubles of reading the book. (Minor spoilers here.) There were some beautiful heart-wrenching moments in this book and others where I could only scratch my head. The real problem I had with this book, though, is that I didn't really like J, at least in the beginning. I could relate to him in some instances as far as his transition, but I didn't really like him aside from the fact that I could understand what he was going through. The thing that bothered me the most about J was that he seemed to think the only way to "be a man" was to act nonchalant about everything while simultaneously being overly-aggressive and calling the women in his life "bitches." I wanted to tell him that being a man is about so much more, even if all the other men in his life act this way, it doesn't mean that that's what makes you a man. However, I think the cumulative effect of not liking your body and hiding can make it hard to show your true self to the world and so acting the way that you think you should so other people treat you a certain way can mean hiding the feelings that you actually feel. Perhaps this is what Cris Beam was trying to do, but it didn't come off that way to me. Sometimes it felt like J's feelings were conflicted even within a few pages of each other. Despite all this, J seemed to find his true/honest self by the end, and the honest characters of Zak (he was probably my favorite) and Chanelle were great characters that were refreshing in their honesty. Was it perfect? No, but I am glad there are authors willing to write about such subjects who do not claim to know everything but are willing to step out and try.(less)

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Feb 20, 2011 Kelly Hager rated it 4 of 5 stars

J was born female but has known his entire life that he's really a guy. Now that he's almost 18, he's starting to really understand this part of himself and wants to learn about how to make the transition to actually living like a man. (Step one: Testosterone.)

I struggled with this book early on. I feel awful for J but at the same time, it's SO hard to like him because he's such a complete jerk for most of the book. He's bitter because people think he's a lesbian (since he dresses like a boy and...more

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Jun 05, 2012 Jan rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: contemporary, teenbooks

I am J is a book about being a transgender teen. J has known all his life that he is a boy in a girl's body. Born Jennifer, he shuns his given name and wants to be known only as J. He has always tried to dress and act as a boy and not everyone has been understanding about that. Now that he is a teen, he is hoping to get testosterone treatments so he can finally be the gender that he identifies as. But he has to tell his parents, who have struggled with his body identity issues already, without r...more

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Nov 06, 2010 Maggie Hargrave rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: multicultural, ya, lgbtqi

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Aug 23, 2011 Daniela rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: coming-of-age, glbtq, fiction, mental-health, realistic-fiction, social-commentary, young-adult

Summary:
J’s not your average 17-year-old. He’s always felt like he didn’t quite fit in. Born female, but indisputably a male at heart, J struggles to embrace his true identity in this coming-of-age novel by author Cris Beam.

I am J is one of the few novels that takes on the challenges of being a transgendered youth. We see J come to terms with himself as he struggles to maintain relationships with both his parents and his best friend Melissa. J’s friends and family are at once understanding, but...more

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Jan 10, 2013 Miriam L rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: mixed-race, trans-teen, art, realistic-fiction

This book was well written and relatable. It focused on the main character's female-to-male transition, something he had always felt but not acted on beyond wearing baggy clothes. Although other books have coming out trans teen stories, this story is well integrated into other realistic challenges – parents, challenging friendships, supportive friendships, romantic relationships. In a fundamental way this is about a teenager who is figuring out who he is and trying to do so in spite of barriers...more

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Feb 09, 2012 Christina G rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: ya-ya-ya, queer-fiction

I've generally avoided any YA fiction with trans characters, because I'd heard pretty negative things about the 5 or 6 available titles. But then a few thoughtful people on the internet wrote reviews saying that I Am J was different, and that it actually felt realistic, complex, and sensitive.

I still had my reservations going into this book, knowing that it was a white(?) cisgender woman writing about a biracial trans teen guy. But I ended up feeling pretty good about it by the end (of course, I...more I've generally avoided any YA fiction with trans characters, because I'd heard pretty negative things about the 5 or 6 available titles. But then a few thoughtful people on the internet wrote reviews saying that I Am J was different, and that it actually felt realistic, complex, and sensitive.

I still had my reservations going into this book, knowing that it was a white(?) cisgender woman writing about a biracial trans teen guy. But I ended up feeling pretty good about it by the end (of course, I may not be the best judge, not being biracial or a trans man). I believe that allies can write about experiences of marginalized people, so long as they admit their position of power and distance, do their research, and have some sort of connection to the community beyond just as a site of research. And Cris Beam (foster mother of a trans daughter and partner of a gender variant person according to her note at the end) did well on all of those counts, and even had a scene in the book addressing cis people appropriating trans experiences for "art."

The book kind of followed the classic "coming out" trajectory that I know many other readers loathe, but I have a soft spot in my heart for problem novels and coming out books (sharing space with my soft spot for self-help books). This does mean that the book occasionally feels like it's more about being trans than it is about the protagonist himself, and that at times it takes a didactic tone and goes out of its way way to "educate" the reader on the diversity under the trans umbrella. But whatever, we need at least one of those in the YA canon before we can start complaining about there being too many of them, right?

I also appreciated that J is a flawed character - he struggles with his misogyny and homophobia, and sometimes he's sort of a jerk. And his allies mess up a lot, too.

Overall, a pleasant surprise that I won't hesitate to recommend to middle and high school readers. I'm still hoping for YA about and by trans people of color to come down the pipe soon, but it's good to know that at least there's something that I feel OK about putting in the hands of readers.

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Oct 28, 2011 CiderandRedRot rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: lgbt

After a somewhat slow start, this book comes into it's own as a story about identity, gender, ethnicity, family, and - well - how truly messy being a teenager really is. Whilst I always felt for J and his predicament, it was refreshing that at times he, and the characters around him, weren't always especially likable. The supporting cast were well drawn and, for the most part, they loved J wholeheartedly and wanted to support him in his goal to transition, to feel comfortable (finally) in his ow...more

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Mar 01, 2011 Adriana rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: ya-coming-of-age, ya-self-identity, ya-social-situations

This book really, really made me think. J (born as Jenifer Silver) considers himself a boy trapped in a girl's body. Throughout the book J is referred to as a he. When anyone (including his parents) refer to him as a girl, J feels like they are blind to what he already knows about himself. J has grown up being taunted for his appearance and for his personality as well. From a very young age he has always felt like a boy. He hates looking at his body and feels as though nature betrayed him. J has...more This book really, really made me think. J (born as Jenifer Silver) considers himself a boy trapped in a girl's body. Throughout the book J is referred to as a he. When anyone (including his parents) refer to him as a girl, J feels like they are blind to what he already knows about himself. J has grown up being taunted for his appearance and for his personality as well. From a very young age he has always felt like a boy. He hates looking at his body and feels as though nature betrayed him. J has a best friend named Melissa, whom he secretly loves. But Melissa knows how J is. She has her own issues though (cutting), and she is an aspiring dancer. On the verge of his 18th birthday J starts to concoct a plan to transform himself into the man he believes he already is. He has always studied men - their walk, their speech, their mannerisms, everything. He is attracted to girls, and he meets another girl when he starts ditching school to see if people outside of his neighborhood and circle can accept him and see him as male. J becomes a runaway and he also becomes obsessed with getting testosterone shots. But the process to hormone therapy is much more complicated than he thinks. J doesn't feel as though his parents will accept his plan to become a man, but they do come through eventually (although it is a surprise as to which parent rejects the idea of J as a man more). This book is not just about sexuality, it is about gender. What determines our gender? Is it our body parts? Our genetics? The way our brains are wired? Our souls or our inherent personalities? If our brain is wired female but we are born with male body parts, what happens and why would this happen? This is obviously a great book for discussion on gender issues and on tolerance. J is a confused person, but he is also very firm on who he is, he just doesn't know exactly how to get there. Sometimes what he did, said or didn't say or do really annoyed me, but that made his character more real. At first it was hard to accept him as a 'he', because I kept picturing a girl who was dressing very male and being a tomboy, basically a lesbian, but then I realized that J isn't a lesbian, he is truly a man who was born a female, and it just got me thinking like I said. Highly recommend to libraries for their teen collections and for older teens and parents of GLBTQ teens.(less)

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Jan 29, 2011 Hderaps rated it 5 of 5 stars

Ever since I was little, I have always known that I was a girl. I am definitely not a "high maintenance" type of woman, but I have an inner girly-girl that will not quit. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I been born in a body that did not match the gender that I felt myself to be. I think it would be devastating.

Yet, this happens to people all of the time. They grow up feeling like their insides do not match their outsides. And, in our current society, the outsides are what...more Ever since I was little, I have always known that I was a girl. I am definitely not a "high maintenance" type of woman, but I have an inner girly-girl that will not quit. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I been born in a body that did not match the gender that I felt myself to be. I think it would be devastating.

Yet, this happens to people all of the time. They grow up feeling like their insides do not match their outsides. And, in our current society, the outsides are what count. To schoolmates, teachers, parents, relatives, strangers on the street. Gender is not changeable, but fixed.

I Am J is the story of a teen who identifies as transgendered. He was born "Jennifer," but has changed his name and hos outer appearance to "J." From the start, this story is well-written and seems to capture the inner struggles and thoughts of J. Every bit about J's thoughts and his need to be accepted as a teen boy ring true. Just as a typical teen girl might try to match her teen role models, J watches young men to model his actions and reactions. Even so, learning the postures of other men is not enough; J wants to be a man.

Even though he parents are somewhat supportive, they are not understanding J's situation completely. They think (or maybe even hope) that J is a lesbian; which is not true. J is attracted to girls, but he is a boy. He just has girl parts.

But, he may not have girl features and parts for long, if he can help it. He has heard of and researched hormone therapy, and desperately wants to turn eighteen so that he can start getting testosterone shots.

Unfortunately, he's not eighteen. And, problems at home are threatening to force J out of his family's apartment and onto the street. He has a the support of his friend Melissa, but she doesn't completely understand what he's going through. It isn't until J is away from his friends and family that he can truly transition to the man he wants to be--the young man that he is.

* * *

As a teacher, there is nothing more difficult and wonderful than helping teens to realize their visions of who they are and who they want to become. With most teens, this process thinking about possible career paths and interests, with others the process is more laborious and deep.

I have had the pleasure of working with a few teens who identify as transgendered. As I stated in this intro to this post, I do not know what this feels like. But, as an educator, there are lots of differences and situations that my students experience that I cannot identify with. Even though I cannot identify with the feelings and emotions of these students, I do have a responsibility to help them to find a safe place within our school where they will feel comfortable and a post-secondary experience that will allow them to transition to the next phase of their life comfortably.

This book will find a welcome space on my classroom shelves. I can only imagine the comfort that it could bring to a transgender teen to know that they are not alone--that there are others like them who might share similar feelings, thoughts, worries. Or, this book could open the mind of many non-transgender teens, those who don't know what it feels like to go through this transition. Either way, I am happy to have read this book and cannot recommend it enough. It is a must-have for classrooms and a should-have for others interested in learning more about this topic, or in reading a good book. Because, in the end, that's exactly what it is. (less)

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Feb 05, 2013 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: teen-family-issues, teen-foster-adoption, teen-friends, teen-hispanic, teen-lgbt, teen-realistic

When this book first came out the description took my breath away because it sounded like the autobiography of a student I knew. J's story is unique yet universal. Readers willing to look closely will recognize many struggles that are typical for most adolescence and the most empathetic will be overwhelmed by how much these struggles are compounded when one is assigned the wrong gender at birth. Author Cris Beam handles complex emotions and situations with enormous grace, finding the right balan...more

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Mar 24, 2011 Beverly rated it 5 of 5 stars

I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of I Am J by Cris Beam. I did not receive any compensation for my review.

This is a very intense and engaging read about a bi-racial teen's gender transition. Beam's story provides great insight to life a transgender teen. This is an issue that prior to reading this book I did not know much about. Fortunately, as well as writing an engaging story, Beam also takes the time to explain the issues.

However, I was puzzled about why J, who has known since a small chi...more

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Discuss This Book

topics	posts	views	last activity
My Story Book Club: Online Chat with Cris Beam, author of I Am J!	2	8	Jan 28, 2013 05:00pm
My Story Book Club: Five Questions with Cris Beam, author of I Am J.	1	3	Jan 28, 2013 09:51am
My Story Book Club: Transgender Reading List - Cast your vote!	1	7	Jan 08, 2013 10:06am
My Story Book Club: Reading Schedule for I Am J	1	3	Jan 02, 2013 12:21pm
Does the book get better?	3	16	Sep 02, 2012 11:14pm

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About Cris Beam

CRIS BEAM is a journalist who has written for several national magazines as well as for public radio. She has an MFA in nonfiction from Columbia University and teaches creative writing at Columbia and the New School. She lives in New York.

More about Cris Beam...

Books by Cris Beam

Transparent: Love, Family, and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers

To the End of June: The Intimate Life of American Foster Care

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Quotes from I Am J

“I guess it's about what you have to give up to gain something else...Did you always have to give something up for a gain?” — 5 people liked it

“Inside, a piece of him cracked; it was as though an emotion that had calcified into bone got tapped with a tiny hammer and splintered straight through.” — 3 people liked it

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