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Finding Zach (Finding Zach #1)

by Rowan Speedwell (Goodreads Author)

4.12 of 5 stars 4.12 · rating details · 1,743 ratings · 203 reviews

For five years, Zach Tyler, son of one of the worlds richest software moguls, was held hostage, tortured, and abused. When he is rescued at last from the Venezuelan jungle, he is physically and psychologically shattered, but he slowly begins to rebuild the life he should have had before an innocent kiss sent him into hell. His childhood best friend David has lived those ye...more

Paperback, 264 pages

Published May 7th 2010 by Dreamspinner Press (first published 2010)

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Strawberries for Dessert by Marie Sexton

Best M/M Romance Published in 2010

8th out of 233 books — 476 voters

Best M/M "Angsty" Romance

4th out of 234 books — 353 voters

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Jun 22, 2010 UniquelyMoi *Dhestiny* BlithelyBookish rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010-reads, captive-kidnapped, genre-erotica-contemporary, ebook-own-have-read, romance-mm, 4-stars, best-friends-become-lovers, reviewed-by-me, recd-by-friends, sexual-abuse, angst-to-the-umpth, mm, starts-with-e-thru-h, mm-romance

4.5/5.0

Finding Zach is the story of a 15 year old young man who was taken hostage and held for ransom in the Venezuelan jungle. Even though the 10 million dollar ransom had been paid, Zach wasn’t released and endured 5 years of being starved, tortured, raped and caged like a dog until he was found, quite by accident, during a mission to rescue some other hostages. Now, reunited with his family Zach has to learn to trust and love again, and that includes trusting and loving himself.

The story didn...more 4.5/5.0

Finding Zach is the story of a 15 year old young man who was taken hostage and held for ransom in the Venezuelan jungle. Even though the 10 million dollar ransom had been paid, Zach wasn’t released and endured 5 years of being starved, tortured, raped and caged like a dog until he was found, quite by accident, during a mission to rescue some other hostages. Now, reunited with his family Zach has to learn to trust and love again, and that includes trusting and loving himself.

The story didn’t just focus on the reuniting of the family, but also that of Zach and his best friend, David, who is gay. Just days before he was kidnapped, Zach “came out” to David, wanting a relationship, but David wasn’t about to take up with “jail bait” and turned Zach down, and not gently, either. But now that Zach is back, David’s decided that he’s going to be part of Zach’s life whether Zach wants it or not, either as friends or something more, it doesn’t matter to him. David is determined to break through Zach’s defenses because while his friend might have come home physically, mentally and emotionally he’s still the scared young man living in a cage in that Venezuelan jungle.

I found it to be a well written, compelling story that had me feeling such a wide range of emotions, the same felt by each and every character in the book. I never felt like the story dragged or became monotonous, because it didn’t focus too much on one person. And it was interesting because each character dealt with the very same emotions; grief, guilt, betrayal, forgiveness, redemption… but each had to deal with them for different reasons and on different levels, even though they all revolved around the same tragedy.

If you love an intense, compelling story with complex characters who have honest, believable emotions, give Finding Zach a try. But be warned, Zach discusses or has nightmares about most of what happened to him during his captivity, so this is not for the faint of heart.

Sexuality content: This is a m/m read and includes anal, oral, mutual masturbation and rape.
(less)

24 likes · like · see review

Mar 14, 2011 MsMiz (Tina) rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: glbt-all, kindle-mobi

Dear Person who recommended this book -

Next time it may be quicker to have you plunge a knife in my chest, dig around a bit, cut out my heart, toss it on the ground while rolling it in dirt and rocks. Then have my heart run over by a couple of cars at which time you can put it back sew me up for the HEA. Basically, that is what this book did. Tragic and beautiful what us mere mortals can overcome.

55 likes · like · see review

Jan 11, 2013 deirdre rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: lendable-nook, m-m

morning clarity?? not certain . . .

*4 star read.
*powerful
*well developed characters
*well developed plot/story arc, but i needed more. that punch or spark with the climax of the story didn't happen for me
*intense opening grabbed me immediately. but intensity not rebuilt or maintained
*can easily feel the relationship between the two MCs
*POV shifts done well
*****WORTH THE READ

but . . . .there is always a but, lol
here are my thought immediately after completing the book

Ok. Huff. Pause.................more

12 likes · like · see review

Jan 15, 2013 LisaT - AttentionIsArbitrary M/M Blog LisaT131 rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult, highly-emotional, m-m, m-m-romance, must-reads, rowan-speedwell, non-con, psychological-warfare

~~~

4 Strong Stars -

Powerful. This book gives us a hard, deep look behind the effects of utterly inhuman treatment and how, for Zach Tyler, he even begins to find himself again.

Hatred, anger, torture, inhumanity, shame, a beaten and defeated spirit how can a human be whole again? Through love, tough love, friendship, devotion, sex, tenderness, honesty and patience. It's all in this one book, an amazing journey that may not be for everyone. I very much recommend this read, if you can stomach some...more

11 likes · like · see review

Jun 02, 2013 ElaineY rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: mm, 1st-person, contemporary-romance, audiobook

REVIEW OF REREAD & AUDIOBOOK; JUNE 2013:

This just barely made 4 stars for the reread but Paul Morey did a 5-star job once again. I'd just about buy anything Morey does:)

This time round, I felt the book would have been better with at least 50 pages less. I got frustrated that listening to audio made it difficult to skip pages but I did get impatient enough to try - and did it successfully, which convinced me the story should have been trimmed down.

---------------------------------------------...more REVIEW OF REREAD & AUDIOBOOK; JUNE 2013:

This just barely made 4 stars for the reread but Paul Morey did a 5-star job once again. I'd just about buy anything Morey does:)

This time round, I felt the book would have been better with at least 50 pages less. I got frustrated that listening to audio made it difficult to skip pages but I did get impatient enough to try - and did it successfully, which convinced me the story should have been trimmed down.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
REVIEW OF 1ST READING, MAY 2010:

All through the book, I kept thinking if only I had parents as understanding and supportive as the Tylers and Annie when I was growing up. A moment later, I'd think to be fair, I'd have to be a terrorist's tortured sex slave so I'm happy with what I got.

After that heart-stopping start, Finding Zach settled down into a rather sedate pace by comparison. While not unputdownable for me, since I did take days to finish it, at no time did it occur to me to ditch it. There were moments of ambivalence for me - I found the non-stop drama of living with a man dealing with severe PTSD very draining but I also have some knowledge and experience of PTSD so Zach's behavior was understandable to me as was David's inconsistent reactions. As all caregivers know, theirs is as tough a battle as the PTSD victim. I loved David and was glad Zach had someone like him to love.

I wished they had ditched the therapist, though. I kept thinking of how much it must cost to have that guy around twice a day, everyday, including Sundays! And while I'm glad I wasn't forced to sit through every minute of those tiresome therapy sessions, what little I did get made the therapist look ineffective and a waste of money. It would have been better, IMO, not to have brought the reader into any of the sessions.

I liked the second half of FZ better than the first, perhaps because I, as a reader, was also adjusting to the change of scenery. Like Zach, it took awhile for me to get used to following him back into freedom, a loving environment and learning to speak instead of bark; to the loyal, steadfast David instead of Estaban-with-the-smelly-cock. The epilogue was surprisingly moving for me and I almost teared up except I was also relieved to be done with this book and was looking forward to something mindless and indulgent.

FZ is a 4.5 stars but I enjoyed this new author's style and am giving him a 5 for this book. I am curious to see what he offers next.(less)

10 likes · like · see review

Jun 04, 2012 Heather C rated it 5 of 5 stars

Recommended to Heather C by: Gyn

Shelves: pdoc, dubcon-rape, read-2012, book-challenge, ebook, contemporary-romance, m-m, friends-to-lovers, sex-after-40-percent, lots-of-tension

What to say? Where to begin? The books I love always seem to leave me speechless! Soit seemsthis is another one of those books.

So I think I will just make a list of...my opinions:

♦ I read it straight through all in one day

♦ I had no idea what it was about before I started.

♦ I loved every word of it.

♦ It was beautiful

♦ It was sad, but I didn't cry.

♦ It was angsty, but not too angsty for me.

♦ It felt real.

♦ Zach was stronger than anyone gave him credit for.

♦ David had the patience of a saint.

♦ Th...more

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Jun 19, 2011 Irie rated it 3 of 5 stars

urmm...it was not as angsty as I'd hoped, which was disappointing. This story has the potential to be quite an emotional roller coaster ride, but it fell short of expectation. It might sounds a little messed up on my part, but Zach was not emotionally damaged enough for me. Considering how f*cked up, figuratively and literally, he was by what happened to him, I thought he should have been a bit more, I don't know...unbalanced? skittish? insane? ...something that would more strongly conveys how t...more urmm...it was not as angsty as I'd hoped, which was disappointing. This story has the potential to be quite an emotional roller coaster ride, but it fell short of expectation. It might sounds a little messed up on my part, but Zach was not emotionally damaged enough for me. Considering how f*cked up, figuratively and literally, he was by what happened to him, I thought he should have been a bit more, I don't know...unbalanced? skittish? insane? ...something that would more strongly conveys how traumatizing his time in captivity was.

And maybe he was all of that. Maybe it was difficult as hell for him to overcome that horrific experience and gain back his humanity after those assholes had him at their mercy for so long. But I wouldn't know because, unfortunately, we don't get to see any of that.

There was a time skip.

Yup... a 2-year time skip between when he was rescued and when he reunites with David again. And yeah it was really sucky on the author's part of leave out all the juicy details on how Zach overcame his trauma. He went from crawling around on all four, growling and behaving like a beast, to walking, speaking, and going to parties like a regular person... all within a couple of pages. The change was too jarring for me, and I was deeply disappointed.

There are books that I read for laughs, books that I read for the fantasy, and there are books that I specifically read, hoping to be left sobbing into my pillowcase because my heart is breaking for the main character and whatever he/she is going through. And that whole period within the time skip there? That would have been the highlight of this story for me. It's where all the angst is supposed to be, where all the tears and the heartbreak, and the emotional roller coaster ride takes place. I expected to be able to cry my eyes out over it!

Buuuut we don't get to see any of that, so the tears never came for me. It was like...ok, Zach's found, and then suddenly it's 2 years later, and he's pretty much gotten past the major milestones in the recovery process. And he did it all without David being there at all to help him, or lend his support in anyway. David just sort of came in later and helped him heal the rest of the way. So... were we robbed or what?

I think so. But regardless, I'd still say: read it. I'm a bit disappointed, yes, but don't let my opinion stop you from trying this book. This is not a bad book, and I liked it well enough. Try it and see if the story works for you. There were some great parts in this book. I just wished the experience was more fulfilling, and the emotions more raw... I wish there was more depth, more angst, just...more, you know? (less)

13 likes · like · see review

Aug 31, 2010 Serena Yates rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: m-m

This is an amazing story about the ability of the human spirit to endure the most horrendous situations - and come out, if not unblemished, whole enough to have another go at leading a fulfilled life.

It is not a book where I can simply say "I loved the book" and give a list of reasons. The truth is, I didn't love all of the book because the thought of a human being, Zach in this case, having to go through such suffering and torture is not something I can "love" reading about.

The reason I gave it...more

15 likes · like · see review

May 08, 2010 Perpetua rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: favorites

It was amazing! Be prepared to want to throw the computer/ebook reader out the window on ocassion and there will be a need for tissues a TON of them!!!!

9 likes · like · see review

Feb 20, 2011 Emanuela ~plastic duck~ rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Recommended to Emanuela ~plastic duck~ by: Perpetua

Shelves: rainbow-gay, glbt, contemporary, romance

I enjoyed this book very much. It deals with a difficult theme, it describes painful situations such as abuse and torture, but the author doesn't insist on the most gruesome aspects of Zach's imprisonment, so that it never gets unbearable.

The book is the story of Zach and David reunion after the years spent apart because of Zach's kidnapping and rehab. David feels guilty because he thinks he is responsible for Zach's fated journey to Costa Rica. Zach's grasp on reality is still shaky. He's tried...more I enjoyed this book very much. It deals with a difficult theme, it describes painful situations such as abuse and torture, but the author doesn't insist on the most gruesome aspects of Zach's imprisonment, so that it never gets unbearable.

The book is the story of Zach and David reunion after the years spent apart because of Zach's kidnapping and rehab. David feels guilty because he thinks he is responsible for Zach's fated journey to Costa Rica. Zach's grasp on reality is still shaky. He's tried to preserve the memories of David from his torturer, so that he couldn't use them against him, but that's also the reason why he was not able to meet him once he was released. He feels that David hates him for having rejected him and this big misunderstanding shows in their first encounter.

Zach's captivity has left a black hole in the development of his personality, because he was held hostage from 15 to 20 years of age. He has missed school, he has missed the time when a boy is learning to build relationship, to explore his sexuality. As a consequence he has built emotional walls to protect himself, controlling every aspect of his life and making himself emotionally unreachable. This is also what David has become: all his lovers accused him of never really loving them and David knows that he has only been in love with Zach and nothing could compare to him.

They slowly get reacquainted with each other. They misread each other a lot of time, they are so aware of the other that they end up double-guessing themselves constantly. It's like their fears of losing each other paralyzes them, making them always go around in circles. Zach is not able to express his fears clearly and David treats him like a fragile being. Throughout the whole book they are both doing something wrong, reaching the worst conclusion with the best intentions. (view spoiler)

The journey to the re-discovery of Zach and the re-building of his life thanks to David's love was compelling and it helped that it wasn't too angsty. I have some doubts about the psychological aspects of Zach's distress, especially regarding the first meeting with David, for me it was resolved too easily. Anyway, it's a book I'd recommend, because it's emotional and sweet at the same time and Zach and David are a great couple.(less)

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Feb 07, 2012 Debbie rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book has been recommended to me on several occasions. For some reason I just never read it. Now I could kick myself for putting it off for so long. This is the most powerful, wonderful book I have read in quite some time. To watch Zach heal and learn to trust after he had been treated for 5 years was utterly amazing. Not many people would have the strength to do what he did and survive. To watch David take care of Zach and to see how much he loved him. And to realize he had never stopped lo...more

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Mar 18, 2013 Rissa (an M/M kinda Girl!!) rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: xxgang-bang-challenge-picks-q1, 2013, battle-of-the-books, disabilities-scars, m-m, read-m-m, xxmarch-2013, whips-kisses-challenge, pushing-boundaries-challenge

WOW!

The abduction and captivity part of this story is scary.. in an OMG this could totally happen in RL kind of way.

Zach is abducted at 15 and held captive for 5 years (if I remember correctly). He is beaten but not completely broken. The beginning of this book is tough to read. Heed the warnings (it's not all pleasant) but if you think you can get past that, you'll get to go on this amazing journey with Zach & Taff. It's not all moonlight & roses for these two all the time but it is Fo...more

5 likes · like · see review

May 12, 2010 Betryal rated it 5 of 5 stars

It was a fawking bloody disaster....

Gotcha! Caught your attention didn't I? Just yanking but it works. LOL Well, relax, I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about the story in and of itself. The cluster fawk of events, the circumstances and what made this story so gut wrenching, hard to stomach and one that should win an award for best novel for 2010. So far.

What this story brought on was: I was sickened by the details of pain, the suffering, the years of endless torture and mistreatment...more

14 likes · like · see review

Mar 26, 2013 Phaney rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: m-m, oh-yes

2012 Review:

Well, wow.

In my time-honoured tradition of starting things backwards, the epilogue was cool, the time jump totally necessary to reassure me that (view spoiler). Okay, so the last few lines felt a bit mushy but in the grand scheme of things? Hell, that’s fine. And it was not a drawn-out ending...more

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May 30, 2013 Alex Alden rated it 2 of 5 stars

This book started OK, then had its ups and downs, and finally nosedived with some events that ticked me off way too much to be able to finish reading. I stopped at 92%.

The first chapter ... I had serious issues with the first chapter. It kept switching between first person, present tense, and third person, past tense. I get that the author was trying to be all "look how different the POVs are", and probably trying to be a bit artsy, but it was very annoying and I almost stopped reading then and...more This book started OK, then had its ups and downs, and finally nosedived with some events that ticked me off way too much to be able to finish reading. I stopped at 92%.

The first chapter ... I had serious issues with the first chapter. It kept switching between first person, present tense, and third person, past tense. I get that the author was trying to be all "look how different the POVs are", and probably trying to be a bit artsy, but it was very annoying and I almost stopped reading then and there. It would have been spectacularly awesome if the whole thing had been written in first person, from Zach's POV, just because it would have been wildly confusing (and I like that), but instead we got the swapping around between POV types and different eyes.

And while most of the story was either from Zach's POV or David's, there were random POVs thrown in, like Zach's parents or David's mom. It was like reading a story and then the author decided we just had to know even more about what was going on, so threw in another POV so that we could have more information. While it didn't quite read as info-dumping, is was still too much over-share.

I didn't like the constant therapy sessions; it was boring to keep rehashing everyone's feelings. Like I wanted to sit there and listen to everyone saying things everyone already knows, so that the characters were just as well informed about everyone's feelings as the readers.

I had issues to some of the responses, especially from Zach. I really felt they were unrealistic at times. (view spoiler)[I didn't like the constant name-calling. I'm fine with normal people teasing others by calling them "idiot", but not when the guy has such self-esteem issues around his mental capacities, and even his sanity. As much as those kinds of comments can be meant as the most friendly of teases, someone with that type of mental trauma is not going to take it well, not deep down inside. If you already think you're dumb or insane, people "teasing" you about it hurts, even if you hide it.

Zach's parents were way too cartoonish. Everyone was happy, everyone was patient and accepting, everyone put Zach's interests first and never had blow ups when his temper tantrums were particularly vicious. Not realistic in the least. Yes, he went through hell, yes he's going to act like a dick while he works through his anger, but seriously, that kind of shit takes a serious toll on any family, even the Brady Bunch. And I still haven't figured out why neither of Zach's parents, nor David, ever expressed any guilt about not looking for Zach for those 5 years he was missing; everyone assumed he was dead and took counseling and moved on with their lives. Not that they would have in any way been at fault for doing so, but I know I would have felt great huge waves of guilt if my child had gone missing for 5 years, I had started to move on, then that child had turned up alive, and I hadn't been looking for him every second of every minute of every day in the meantime. Seriously, not even a hit of remorse?

My biggest, most catastrophic issue was the reporter. I can't even begin to say how pissed off I was that no one, no one ever said "Why should he have to talk to a reporter? It's none of their fucking business. Zach doesn't owe his story to the world, he's perfectly allowed to keep it to himself." And the part that really made me throw down the book was when Zach just up and agreed to talk to the reporter/journalist. He just spent 2 years hiding from the world, completely insulated, and he's now just going to go and spew his story to a journalist? I had serious, serious issues about this. It wasn't just the reporter who was saying it's Zach's chance for "closure", but every other character was acting the same way, like it was inevitable that Zach would speak to a reporter and the press, and that the only question was about when that would happen, and that this was A-OK. No one ever seemed to consider the option of Zach never speaking to anyone in the press. It's none of their damn business, and he has every right to never say a word if he chooses not to. This whole reporter issue really pissed me off. In my mind, it seems like the most natural position for Zach and his friends/family to take would not be don't talk to Zach now, he's not ready, but rather more along the lines off fuck off and die. (hide spoiler)] So, so unrealistic, it really threw me right out of the story and I can't pick it up again; I'm just way too disgusted.

My biggest reason not to recommend this story would be because of the lost potential: it sounded very interesting, had a decent start (messed up first chapter POV issues not withstanding), but ultimately failed to deliver anything with substance or meaning. It was very disappointing.(less)

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Apr 27, 2013 Lightreads rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: fiction, romance, lgbt

M/M. Hurt/comfort of the 'kidnapped for five years of rape and torture in the South American jungle, followed by lots of sexy cuddling' variety. Like you do.

I'm tempted to think the flickers of beauty and interpersonal complexity were accidents. I mean, look, if someone wants to write a book for the sole purpose of hitting emotional buttons connected to the healing powers of love after ludicrous amounts of suffering . . . go for it. These types of stories are often intensely wrong-headed about t...more

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Mar 22, 2013 Amarilli73 rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

da www.sognipensieriparole.com

Reincollando Zach
Rispetto ad altri M/M, dove c’è la classica storia d’amore con colpo di fulmine e proseguo incerto e tormentato, magari con l’ostacolo delle reciproche famiglie o del proprio ambiente sociale, qui si parte da qualcosa che c’era già ed è andato irrimediabilmente in pezzi.

Si parte da due ragazzini non ancora uomini, uno di quindici e uno di diciotto, da una bacio, un solo casto bacio, che non doveva essere dato e che ha portato all’allontanamento del...more

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Mar 03, 2013 Awilk -will work for books- rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: kindle, m-m, made-me-cry, read-in-2013, tortured-hero-s

I started this book in the evening, thinking that I would put it down after a few chapters and go to sleep. Ha, I should have known better. I couldn't put this bloody book down. I am sitting here with gritty eyes trying to put into words what I thought about this book.

Zach was kidnapped at the age of 15 and he wasn't rescued until 5 years later. We got to read about his release and return to America, and his parents, but then the story jumped two years. This was a little upsetting to me. I would...more

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Nov 17, 2012 Jane Stewart rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: gay-male-romance, male-male

3 ½ stars. I enjoyed the relationship development, but some parts were heavier than I was in the mood for.

David was like a big-brother-best-friend to Zach while growing up. At age 15 Zach kisses David for the first time. Then they are separated when Zach flies to visit a relative and gets kidnaped. Now it’s several years later. Zach is alive and returns home. The best part of the story is the two of them reconnecting and beginning a love relationship. Zach has PTSD with many psychological issues...more 3 ½ stars. I enjoyed the relationship development, but some parts were heavier than I was in the mood for.

David was like a big-brother-best-friend to Zach while growing up. At age 15 Zach kisses David for the first time. Then they are separated when Zach flies to visit a relative and gets kidnaped. Now it’s several years later. Zach is alive and returns home. The best part of the story is the two of them reconnecting and beginning a love relationship. Zach has PTSD with many psychological issues. David is loving, patient, accepting, and supporting. I loved that part of the story - the relationship development. The sex scenes were well done. I liked the feel good ending and the epilogue.

During the second half, at times I did not enjoy the drama. Too often Zach overreacted and thought he should end their relationship. Even though David told Zach he loved him and nothing about Zach’s past would ever bother him, Zach didn’t believe it or kept forgetting. Yes he had issues from his kidnaping and torture, but it was tiring to keep hearing that Zach believed no one could love him.

There are a lot of therapy type discussions. The most common sentence in the book was “Are you ok?” Everyone is always asking everyone else that question. The answer was usually yes and a couple times crying. The parents were wonderfully supportive of both David and Zach which was a nice part of the story.

I liked the way Zach’s five years of captivity was handled. The book starts with his rescue. Then Zach is telling or remembering what happened. Horrible things were done to him which stayed with me, but it could have been worse. I wouldn’t have wanted to be inside Zach’s head during his torture, not knowing if he would survive or be rescued. However the torture might be too much for sensitive readers.

The author has a good writing style. It’s a good story, just a little heavier than I was in the mood for.

The narrator Paul Morey was very good.

DATA:
Narrative mode: mostly 3rd person, but a couple of scenes were 1st person Zach. Unabridged audiobook reading time: 8 hrs and 36 mins. Swearing language: strong. Sexual language: moderate. Number of sex scenes: about 8. Setting: current day mostly Colorado with a little Venezuela and Massachusetts. Book copyright: 2010. Genre: gay male romance.(less)

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Nov 11, 2012 Jaya rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: okay, slashreaders

SlashReaders: Brilliant, Zach Tyler was abducted at age fifteen. He was being sent away shortly after his first kiss with his older friend David, the son of the family house keeper. Being older David wanted Zach to be sure of his feelings not just acting on a crush. Unfortunately, for both of them Zach Tyler wasn't rescued until five years later and from there the drama begins.

What it all amounts to is that Finding Zach, is the story of Zach's recovery and eventually his continued relationship w...more

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Oct 29, 2012 Charly rated it 4 of 5 stars

I’m glad I read it, but I won’t be reading it again

Warning: This review might contain what some people consider SPOILERS.

Rating: 7/10

PROS:
- I love stories in which the main characters knew each other earlier in their lives and find each other again once they’re older. And this one has some added bonuses on top of that: a teenaged relationship that was disallowed because the parents didn’t approve of it, and one man helping the other to overcome the emotional trauma of long-term captivity. It’s...more I’m glad I read it, but I won’t be reading it again

Warning: This review might contain what some people consider SPOILERS.

Rating: 7/10

PROS:
- I love stories in which the main characters knew each other earlier in their lives and find each other again once they’re older. And this one has some added bonuses on top of that: a teenaged relationship that was disallowed because the parents didn’t approve of it, and one man helping the other to overcome the emotional trauma of long-term captivity. It’s lovely when the two men finally get together for good.
- I got a definite sense of Zach and David’s friendship as well as their physical attraction and romantic feelings for each other.
- The backstory is filled in at a good pace. Pieces of it are scattered throughout the book, so just about the point when I’d start to get frustrated about not knowing where the characters were coming from, I’d get a little insight into their pasts.
- I’m not always a fan of books that switch from first person to third person, but it works well here. Zach is almost entirely unable to communicate at the beginning of the story, and the sections he narrates allow for brief glimpses at his psyche at various points during the recovery process. (See cons below also)

CONS:
- The writing is just the slightest bit confusing at times. I had some trouble getting myself oriented at the beginning of the story, for example: I was trying to figure out the location and the time period and who all of the characters were, and there weren’t too many clues to help me out. And the one thing I didn’t love about the first-person sections told from Zach’s perspective is that they’re told in present tense, and sometimes it’s hard to discern whether you’re reading about a memory or something Zach is experiencing right then.
- As much as I liked seeing the gradual healing and the slow revelation of Zach’s personality, there were scenes in which I had a hard time reconciling either David’s or Zach’s actions with their situation. The first time they really meet up after Zach’s ordeal, for example, Zach turns into a chatterbox, whereas he’s been virtually silent or monosyllabic at all times up until then. That confused me, especially given Zach’s muddled emotions where David is concerned.
- There’s a sex scene well into the story that is emotionally significant in a big way, and it’s over in a single paragraph. (Some of the earlier scenes last for pages.)

Overall comments: There is definitely some trauma in this book (rape and torture), and I found parts of it difficult to get through. Speedwell doesn’t dwell too much on those parts, though: she gets the point across by describing the effects of the trauma rather than actually showing too much of it. Still, I wouldn’t recommend this for people who have a hard time reading about physical or emotional damage.(less)

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Sep 13, 2012 Tiya Rosa rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: this-gave-me-the-sads, m-m, awww-touching, better-than-expected, hurt-comfort

You know that thing where you open a book intending to just read a couple of chapters - halfway through at most - and you end up not wanting to close the damn thing 'cause - being a nosy git - you just have to find out what happens next, but you're tired and sleepy and guilty as hell 'cause you're supposed to be working on beating a deadline and not angst-ing over some fictional gay guys and their HEA, so you end up rushing through the ending and now you feel like if you'd just waited until you...more You know that thing where you open a book intending to just read a couple of chapters - halfway through at most - and you end up not wanting to close the damn thing 'cause - being a nosy git - you just have to find out what happens next, but you're tired and sleepy and guilty as hell 'cause you're supposed to be working on beating a deadline and not angst-ing over some fictional gay guys and their HEA, so you end up rushing through the ending and now you feel like if you'd just waited until you had enough sleep and not freaking out over your unfinished work, you'd have been able to focus more and given your undivided, unguilty attention to all the awesomeness the book had to offer?

*deep breath*

Yup. Happened with this book and I hate myself for it. This would have been a 5-star read if I hadn't been so damned itchy to get to the ending so I could go to sleep and then I end up staying up anyway trying to write a decent enough review to explain why I was an asshole in the first place and ruined my own reading experience.

Finding Zach is an intense, cry-athon of a novel about childhood friends finding each other after one MC's soul-crushing experience. The hook here is not really the romance though that itself is well done. It's the first chapter and how we're introduced to the MC and the previously mentioned soul-crushing experience that will grab the reader, suck their brains out, and feed it to them. It's not mind boggling so much as it's so pathetically heartbreaking and sick that you can't help but be morbidly interested while your heart is on the floor in thin julienned pieces.

Zach was fifteen when he was kidnapped while at the airport meeting his aunt in Costa Rica. He was in captivity for five years before he was found after an unrelated rescue - bone thin, physically and sexually abused, and - after having been treated (in almost every sense) a dog - could only express himself through barks, whines, and whimpers. He returns home and with the help of the people who love him - very slowly - gets his life back.

It's a slow and painful process, the life taking Zach had to do. It also felt realistic and raw and was so very well written - PTSD after that experience would be a bitch and a half. Zach is a likable character and while he might think that his being fucked up after the abuse makes him an asshole, he still came out not making excuses so much as explaining why. What I mean is he didn't go the easy route and played the victim card when it suited; the horrors in his past were just the reason for his issues now - not excuses. It made me like him more because he wasn't bending over backwards to get my sympathy.

David was also a great character although with all the intense getting-to-know we had with Zach, meeting him didn't pack as much punch. He was perfect for Zach, though. Sure, the history between them might have made it harder since they had to reconcile the before Zach with the now Zach, but that history also made it easier since Zach already knew he could trust David.

Don't think that the whole relationship was all lying in couches talking to shrinks or looking over the distance analyzing feelings, though. These guys also had enough chemistry to, well, do whatever it is chemistry is used for - make their own table of elements or something. Point is, there was a lot of playful moments to combat the serious, gut wrenching scenes and the sexy times are so hot like you wouldn't believe. I mean, imagine one MC introducing frottage to the delighted surprise of the other MC. Guy topped prolly half of Colorado but never discovered frotting. Scene was hot, y'all.

I also loved the fact that the insecurities and angst in this one aren't just because they need to talk more or one MC is an asshole that has learned to walk and talk, but due to valid and understandable - yet never overdone - hangups and issues. I like a good old fashioned misunderstanding that never should have been, but sometimes a girl just wants to read about a real fucking hurdle in a relationship and a valid reason to walk out of a restaurant for - and seeing him touch pinkies with another woman does not count, romance novel heroines!

The flashbacks were also written in such a way that did not require its own chapter or an introductory "ago", but came and went all sneaky and ninja-like and stress-free.

So overall a five-star read. But like I said, idiot here, so I rushed through the HEA, felt like I didn't really embraced it - being rushed and all - and now have to rate the book with four stars 'cause that was how the entire experience was for me. I'd prolly be able to explain better when I've had some sleep, but I wouldn't count it on it. Suffice it to say, if you're in the mood for an intense read with its own light moments and like your MCs all damaged and gorgeous and shit, this one's for you. Just make sure you have enough time and sleep 'cause this is defo a five-star read if you're not as big of an idiot as me.(less)

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Jun 24, 2012 Raevyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nook-lendable, 65k-to-100k-words, 2012

This story begins with the rescuing of Zach from a paramilitary camp in Venezuela. He was horrendously tortured and used for 5 years. The story then skips to two years later and moves into the beginnings of the relationship between Zach and David.

I liked that the author didn't spend tons of time on the recovery and went from his rescue to a point where he was functioning in society, albeit not very well. David and Zach grew up together and fell in love with each other before Zach was taken but t...more

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Jul 20, 2011 Asyrique rated it 4 of 5 stars

An emotional rollercoaster of a read! Rowan's mix of first person and third person narrative really fits well with the story, and gives amazing insights into the minds of the characters. From page 1, she pulls the reader straight into the dark, underground world of paramilitary Venezuela, and her grip on the reader is not broken till his/her eyes rest on the final line of the story. Also, her potrayal of the psychological battlefield Zach is fighting is so realistic, it makes you wonder if this...more

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Jun 11, 2011 Sylvie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: m-m, romance-contemporary, favorites

Breath of fresh air in the m/m category. It took me a long time to pick this book up because of the subject topic - an abused protagonist with severe PTSD usually isn't my cuppa. However, Rowan Speedwell managed to convincingly tell the story without glossing over the issue (none of that sex-heals crap).

I admit I had a major kick reading about the author's not-so-subtle geekiness over MIT and technology in general. Honestly, this may be one of the first m/m novels that breached technology witho...more

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Feb 22, 2011 Emma rated it 4 of 5 stars

My rating is 3.9
Well, it was an indulging tale. I was a little odd with the incoherent flashes of the past, but their short description was precise enough to draw me in the plot line again. The story is very captivating and potent, yet sensitive. I don’t know about others, but in my personal opinion, many occasions were left in the grey area where I could have liked to read at least pages and pages of that specific encounter since those events were the key axis of the story. A little commencemen...more

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Feb 12, 2011 Ann Kristin rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: romance

A tender, difficult, at times heartbreaking and sad, optimistic, and well written romance which deals with a difficult topic: PTSD and the rebuilding of a life and a family after kidnapping, torture, and rape.

Zach was kidnapped at 15, and spent the next five years imprisoned in the Venezuelan jungle. The book begins with the recovery and return of Zach, the rest of the story following Zach two years later when he has reclaimed some of his life, but is still struggling to move on to a full life....more

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May 17, 2010 Rhianon rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: m-m, romance, five-star-rec-s

From the opening sentence, this story was a roller coaster of a read. Very character-driven, heart-wrenching story of one man's, one lover's, and one family's, struggle with PTSD.

Few writers come so close to accuracy. Even fewer get it right. But Speedwell hits the nail on the head at every turn. I especially enjoyed the sporadic insight into the twice-daily therapy sessions that the MC maintains for the first few years of his recovery. Would that more individuals plagued with PTSD had such dedi...more

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Apr 27, 2011 orannia rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: m-m

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. This is a book of many aspects, but...all in all it's a very well thought out book. That sounds like I'm damning with faint praise, but...my intention is completely the opposite. Finding Zach is not what I would call a typical romance - it's so much more (I hate putting those two words together). I think I would describe it as a journey of self. At its heart, this book is Zach's story, Zach's journey, and the role those people who love him play in it. It's also a book brimming with hope. Is it a...more

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Apr 01, 2011 Shira Anthony rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-con, tearjerker, m-m-slash

Zach's comfortable life was abruptly thrown into turmoil when he was kidnapped at age 15 by a paramilitary group whose leader kept him imprisoned, torturing him and abusing him. Rescue is only the beginning of the long process of rediscovery and re-entry into "normal" society. This is the premise with which "Finding Zach" begins - a heartwrenching premise which leaves the reader on the edge of his/her seat, hoping/praying that this damaged boy can find his way to manhood and, eventually, happine...more Zach's comfortable life was abruptly thrown into turmoil when he was kidnapped at age 15 by a paramilitary group whose leader kept him imprisoned, torturing him and abusing him. Rescue is only the beginning of the long process of rediscovery and re-entry into "normal" society. This is the premise with which "Finding Zach" begins - a heartwrenching premise which leaves the reader on the edge of his/her seat, hoping/praying that this damaged boy can find his way to manhood and, eventually, happiness.

The story is beautifully crafted, with flashbacks to the jungle prison and some of the abuse Zach suffered (without dwelling on it or making it an erotic subject). The plot centers around David, Zach's childhood friend and first crush, who returns to Colorado to exorcise the demons that have taken up residence with Zach's kidnapping. As boys, Zach and David had only ever kissed once, but David's life (and relationships) have been influenced by Zach ever since.

I particularly appreciated the fact that Zach's parents were actually an important catalyst in his recovery from the abuse he suffered at the hands of his captors - they are portrayed as supportive, caring people who, in spite of their fears and their flaws, support their son through good times and bad. For all of the characters who surround Zach and support him, there is grief and guilt, and none are saints. They are well-rounded characters with flaws, almost always believable in their motivations.

The writing is outstanding - strong narrative and dialogue. Some of the reviews I read before purchasing the book address the issue of the "fast forward" from Zach's rescue to 2 years afterwards. I also would have liked to have seen more of Zach's recovery during this period, perhaps through flashbacks, but I didn't feel that the lack of narrative from this period hurt the quality of the book overall. It was just that the rest of the book was so good, I'd have enjoyed more of it!

Solid writing, intriguing and engaging plot, and strong characters populate this wonderful book. Well worth your time to read, and with a realistic and touching HEA to top it all of!

(less)

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About Rowan Speedwell

An unrepentant biblioholic, Rowan Speedwell spends half her time pretending to be a law librarian, half her time pretending to be a database manager, half her time pretending to be a fifteenth-century Aragonese noblewoman, half her time… wait a minute… hmm. Well, one thing she doesn't pretend to be is good at math. She is good at pretending, though.

In her copious spare time (hah) she does needlewo...more

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“Most people - and I'm guilty of it as well - think of passion as hot, fiery, impulsive. But listening to you made me realize that passion can be a deep, warm, steady flame too. The kind of fire that keeps a man warm at night - or melts an ice wall that would drown a flashier spark.” — 1 person liked it

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