The Good Daughter: A Memoir of My Mother's Hidden Life by Jasmin Darznik

Sep 19, 2012 Marianna rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: books-read-2011, memoir

Exceptionally well written. Gives a small glimpse into life in Iran (and really most of the Middle East) in the 40's, 50's and 60's. I believe that a careful reading will give Western minds much insight into the culture of that region. While life for women is different today, the cultural mores in place then continue to inform the culture today.

I have two complaints with this book however. One, there are no pictures. They would have done much to enhance the story. Two, the ending seemed abrupt....more

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Feb 18, 2011 Nancy rated it 4 of 5 stars

We were a world of two, my mother and I, until I started turning into an American girl That's when she began telling me about The Good Daughter. It became a taunt, a warning, an omen.

Jasmin Darznik came to America from Iran when she was only three years old, and she grew up knowing very little about her family's history. When she was in her early twenties, on a day shortly following her father's death, Jasmin was helping her mother move; a photograph fell from a stack of old letters. The girl pi...more We were a world of two, my mother and I, until I started turning into an American girl That's when she began telling me about The Good Daughter. It became a taunt, a warning, an omen.

Jasmin Darznik came to America from Iran when she was only three years old, and she grew up knowing very little about her family's history. When she was in her early twenties, on a day shortly following her father's death, Jasmin was helping her mother move; a photograph fell from a stack of old letters. The girl pictured was her mother. She was wearing a wedding veil, and at her side stood a man whom Jasmin had never seen before.

At first, Jasmin's mother, Lili, refused to speak about the photograph, and Jasmin returned to her own home frustrated and confused. But a few months later, she received from her mother the first of ten cassette tapes that would bring to light the wrenching hidden story of her family's true origins in Iran: Lili's marriage at thirteen, her troubled history of abuse and neglect, and a daughter she was forced to abandon in order to escape that life. The final tape revealed that Jasmin's sister, Sara - The Good Daughter - was still living in Iran.

In this sweeping, poignant, and beautifully written memoir, Jasmin weaves the stories of three generations of Iranian women into a unique tale of one family's struggle for freedom and understanding. The result is an enchanting and unforgettable story of secrets, betrayal, and the unbreakable mother-daughter bond.

My Take: The trouble with memoirs is the author often forgets the audience and pontificates on the unimportant details like how sad an event felt or a disappointment with a person, etc. The author is a very articulate writer whose skill drew me into her grandmother's then mother's world without getting hung up on the injustices (which there are many). She does include detail that can be skipped like foods served at gatherings and such yet even these descriptions added to the experience.

What I found most compelling about this book, besides the objective way the author paints the pictures of her family, is that it covers many decades and generations. Not only does this give a clear picture of the personalities but provides a political and historical framework. For instance, the author's grandmother was the 9th child in her family and had different expectations than the other children. Her mother was born shortly after Iran and Great Britain were in a conflict. "The Shah" was put into power at that time. The Revolution occurred in 1979 when the author was only 3 years old and immigrated to the United States with her parents. When watching the news at that time, the text at the bottom of the screen would read, "DAY 89" or whatever day it was in the hostage crisis. I remember the text and the tension.

In particular, I enjoyed the strength of the women portrayed in this book. From a society where they had no power, they did the best they could given their circumstances. The patriarchal society was not kind to women or girls. They suffered horrible injustices. On the other hand, when "The Shah" was in power, there were societal changes that empowered women. The reader enjoys the transformation of the author's mother, Lilli, and of her grandmother. Her mother, married at 13, pregnant shortly thereafter, suffered as no child or person should have to endure. 12 years later she stormed back into town as an educated, beautiful, confident woman engaged to a European. A few years later found her in California enduring discrimination yet possessing determination regardless of her weariness. Even as she gave up her veils she was still an Iranian woman.

Even though this is Jasmin's story, she adopts the idea that her story is the culmination of the women before her. She understands that when her mother talks about "The Good Daughter" she really is talking about the daughter she left in Iran. The one who has a completely different story. (less)

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Apr 24, 2011 Virginia rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: first-reads, 2011books, nonfiction

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via the Goodreads First Reads program. (Awesome!)

I did not know a lot about the recent history of Iran prior to reading this book, aside from having watched the movie Persepolis. It was a little hard to wrap my mind around all of the things that happen to the author's mother, which seem so medieval - these were recent events, relatively speaking. The author's mother is the same age as my mother. (Who had a very different life.)
Th...more Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via the Goodreads First Reads program. (Awesome!)

I did not know a lot about the recent history of Iran prior to reading this book, aside from having watched the movie Persepolis. It was a little hard to wrap my mind around all of the things that happen to the author's mother, which seem so medieval - these were recent events, relatively speaking. The author's mother is the same age as my mother. (Who had a very different life.)
The writing is a little simplistic - it's an easy read in that sense. But the story is very powerful, and carries the writing. The author's mother, Lili, had a fascinating life - she accomplished so much, with the odds stacked against her. (child bride, continued her education in spite of family & social pressure to stop, divorced, moved to another country without knowing the language, got a medical degree, remarried, practiced as an OB & neonatologist, opened a clinic for poor women, supported her extended family, moved to yet another country, owned her own small business, etc) Very inspiring stuff.

HOWEVER.

I was buzzing along, reading this, with a 4 star review in mind - okay writing, great story. Not the best book I've read this year, but nothing really wrong with it, either. And then I got to the end. The first 90% of the book takes place based on recollections that the author's mother recorded onto cassette tapes and mailed to her. (We conjecture - it is not specified whether or not the author conducted interviews with other family members or acquaintances.) The last 10% or so is based on the author's own recollections of her childhood and her young adult life. The big hook, for this story, which is given away in the title and the inside flap, is that the American author has a sister living in Iran that she never knew about until her mother divulged her first marriage & child late in life. Through the whole book, the reader is waiting for this revelation to occur in real-time - the story starts out in the recent past, with the author receiving the tapes, and then covers the family history from the author's grandmother until present day. When we reach the point at which the author now knows she has a sister, what does she do? Does she get on a plane and meet her sister in person, along with the nieces & nephews she now knows about? Does she bring her mother to Iran with her for a family reunion? Does she have her sister come to the USA to meet her? Is the author so fascinated by her mother's story, that she now needs to go to Iran and see for herself the places and people that were revealed to her in the cassette tapes?

NO.

The author never met her sister in person, because traveling to Iran to do so would "only be intruding on the life she had made for herself." IT WAS LESS INTRUSIVE TO WRITE AN ENTIRE BOOK ABOUT THIS INSTEAD?????????

Alright, putting that aside, what does the author's mother think of the book that her daughter is writing? She kept her secret so well hidden for so many years, what are her thoughts about her daughter publishing this memoir and revealing all this to the world? Does she agree with this, or disagree, were the cassette tapes meant to be private? What happens after the author finishes listening to the tapes? Do mother & daughter become closer as a result? Clearly, the author now has a deeper understanding of her mother and her life, how does this change their relationship? What is her mother's life like now?

We will never know, because the author NEVER TALKS TO HER MOTHER ABOUT IT. Or at least, not that she reveals in this memoir.

I wish this author's editor at Hatchette had read a draft of this, and said, "Great story! Here are some plane tickets to Iran, go meet your sister and make this book several chapters longer! And talk to your mom! If you decide not to do these things, you have to give a valid reason why, other than I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT."

And that's why this only has 3 stars from me. (less)

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Aug 03, 2011 Christina rated it 4 of 5 stars

I couldn't put this one down, but it was so disturbingly sad I don't know that I recommend it. (Spoilers ahead) The author was born in Iran and grew up in America. The story follows her grandmother, her mother and herself through their daily life and struggles. The grandmother is the ninth child and a favorite of her mother's, but that doesn't stop her from being married off to pay her brother's gambling debts. Her husband is indifferent, callous, and later takes up with another woman, but there...more

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Apr 16, 2011 dragonflyy419 rated it 5 of 5 stars

This tale is beautifully rendered and brings the reader into the lives of women in Iran. Darznik shares details of family life and the rituals surrounding the Muslim faith and living in Iran primarily during the 1950s and 1960s.

Central to most of the women’s lives seems to be food. Descriptions of food from the preparation of it to daily snacks to vast feasts served are prevalent in the book. The way Darznik writes one can almost smell the saffron infused cooking, feel the crack of seeds between...more

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Feb 15, 2011 Christine rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011-reads

Although it is only February I would have to say this book has been my favorite read this year.

Jasmin came to California at an age too young to remember anything about her life in Iran. Raised by an Iranian mother and German father she considers herself to be an “American girl”. When her father dies she goes to help her mother sort through his belongings and happens upon a picture of her mother as a bride, but the man in the picture is not her father. When Jasmin questions her mother about this...more

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Feb 10, 2011 Azarin rated it 3 of 5 stars

A simple look at the book-cover of The Good Daughter reveals that, unlike most of the other books in this genre, these memories don’t belong to the author but to her mother’s. This distance between the writer and the protagonist adds an element of fiction to the narration, which makes the book closer to a fictionalized memoir than a classic memoir which is only about the author's own memories, or at least this was my expectation.
Now that I’ve finished the book, I should congratulate Jasmin for h...more A simple look at the book-cover of The Good Daughter reveals that, unlike most of the other books in this genre, these memories don’t belong to the author but to her mother’s. This distance between the writer and the protagonist adds an element of fiction to the narration, which makes the book closer to a fictionalized memoir than a classic memoir which is only about the author's own memories, or at least this was my expectation.
Now that I’ve finished the book, I should congratulate Jasmin for her lovely way of praising her mother’s life. Extremely well-researched and written in an impeccable prose, this book shows Jasmin’s extra attention to details and descriptions, which in each scene it gives readers clear images of what they are looking at.
The Good Daughter is a fun and fast read about the Iranian women’s misery during most part of the 20th century. Did you notice something paradoxical in the preceding sentence? If you did, then you have got the core of my critic of the book. But before talking about its problems, let’s first take a look at its strengths.
Darznik’s starts her narrative in a spectacular way; shortly after her father’s passing, Jasmin, who is in her twenties, discovers an old picture of her mother as a young bride, but the groom sitting next to her mother is a total stranger. This is the main incident which set the story in motion and drives the author to find out more about her mother’s past. In spite of her mother’s initial refusal, Jasmin receives a first series of tapes in which her mother has revealed her secrets.
After this brilliant opening scene, the next chapters will cover the history of this family throughout several decades.
First, we flashback to the beginning of the 20th century and meet Kobra and Sohrab, the author’s grandparents. Next, Lili, Jasmin’s mother, becomes the story’s main character; she goes through a marriage at 13, a miscarriage, childbirth, physical abuse, and divorce while still being a teenager. She also has to give up on her rights as a mother and to leave her daughter, Sara, to her ex-husband, Kazem. In the later chapters, we learn about Lili’s trip abroad to study, her second marriage to Johann, coming back to Iran for a few years before leaving it as the revolution starts (leaving Sara behind) and finally getting settled in the Bay Area, USA. From this point on, we read the author’s own memories from that same period, which I found the best written scenes of the book. I hope Jasmin would write a follow-up to this memoir, perhaps a second book about her mother’s efforts to find Sara and their reunion.
One of the main lessons I learned by reading this story was that no matter how hard the Pahlavis tried to bring about change, they were destined to fail. The society’s deep Islamic roots had made it impossible for their efforts to transform the archaic mind of the average Iranian man. Sohrab and Kazem might appear westernized and progressive, but their actions show that they're no different from the fanatic Iranian men who look at women as object and would consider the polygamy as his god-given right.
As I said, I enjoyed most of the opening chapter and the last few chapters, told in a close first person, written beautifully, but I had a few problems while reading the chapters in between. My first critic of the book is its editing; there are too many anecdotes and unimportant characters, which could have been cut off from the final draft. I understand that the author is trying to remain truthful to her mother by preserving every little memory from those tapes, but in many of these stories not only they do not play an important role in the main narrative, but also they are predictable, so they left a feeling of “déjà-vu” in my mind. At some point, I wondered whether this feeling had to do with my own familiarity with similar tales, as I have also been aware of my own mother and grandmother's struggle to have a voice; or maybe I had read them in another Iranian memoir. It is true that Lili’s dark past is shared by so many, and I understand that sometimes the same story should be told and retold, but as a simple reader, I hoped to be surprised, shocked and stabbed, as Kafka says, while reading this familiar story as if I was reading it for the first time.
My other critic is lack of attitude in Lili’s character. The story is told in a distant voice, without over-dramatization, which reduces the efficiency of the narration. There is a large amount of attention given to describing cultural elements, such as food, clothes, rituals and routines, but the same attention has not been given to show Lili’s state of mind, thoughts, or feelings. Lili is portrayed as a character that does not react the normal way, as we expect, as if she has been numbed by the chain of miseries in her life. Or, as if the average Iranian woman of that period was mostly fatalist who considered these unjust treatments as their destiny. Even though I can see that through her actions Lili is struggling to change her life, but this obvious lack of emotion was too disturbing. I would have loved to know more about Lili’s deep feelings and pain. Sometimes Lili acted almost like a dead fish, while being abused, and it was hard to understand why.
As the first chapter and the last ones were enough proof that Jasmin Darznik knows how to depict her characters’ emotions, knows how to grab her reader, and how to move them, so I could only conclude that she should have made a conscious choice of showing Lili as a numb character. This lack of attitude could be part of the author’s effort to stay objective regarding the miserable situation of women in Iran, but I think that the story could have had a stronger impact on the reader if Lili hadn’t hidden her pain.
This book is an elegant and memorable way that the author has chosen to show her love and devotion to her mother, and also for her country of birth. It is clear that Jasmin Darznik has conducted an impressive amount of research to create a believable image of Iran during the past century, and she is very successful in the depiction of an Iran that many don’t know. This book, I am sure, will be a great success, especially among the non-Iranians, as it creates a believable universe, and as an Iranian reader I feel this urge to clean up my own acts and to think thoroughly about what I call our nationalistic nostalgia and to distinguish the good from the bad, the shameful traditions from the genuine gestures of kindness.
Even though the “Good Daughter” was the surname of Sara, Lili’s abandoned child, but I personally think that Jasmin is the real “Good daughter”.

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Feb 14, 2013 Angelika rated it 4 of 5 stars

I should explain why I liked it: Some other reviewer found it was sad, I actually did not. Yes, it is a much harder life than I ever had, but I found it amazing how life always went on and people founds new ways of moving on - not in the normal vein of "misery books". The language is not literary, it reads more like someone is describing their memories to you, but that is what makes it authentic. You can form your own judgement, it is not formed for you.

I loved the detail of family life in Iran...more

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Sep 15, 2011 Sara rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography

I wish I'd liked this one more. It was interesting to learn about the lives of women in Iran over the past 50+ years, but I didn't love the author's style and ultimately wondered how she could remain so detached from the story herself, given that it was her own parents and grandparents she was writing about. The story is terribly sad, as Darznik recounts her grandmother and mother's lives of poverty, abuse, oppression, vulnerability and sacrifice. As an American woman (in all of my modern, immod...more

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Dec 29, 2012 Deborah Ideiosepius rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Deborah by: Steve

Shelves: non-fiction

This book riveted me – the author, on going home at her father’s death discovers a photo that opens up to her a whole aspect of her mother’s life that she had never known or wondered about. Upon asking her mother about it she is rebuffed, but over time her mother sends her a series of tapes on which she has recorded the story of her life, her mother’s life and her grandmother’s. This story is the story that the author heard from those tapes.

It is a rich, vivid, often tender and as often barbaric...more This book riveted me – the author, on going home at her father’s death discovers a photo that opens up to her a whole aspect of her mother’s life that she had never known or wondered about. Upon asking her mother about it she is rebuffed, but over time her mother sends her a series of tapes on which she has recorded the story of her life, her mother’s life and her grandmother’s. This story is the story that the author heard from those tapes.

It is a rich, vivid, often tender and as often barbaric story. In mesmerising detail the family and home life of Iran is told and the early part of the story is literally timeless; no dates are given, if you absolutely had to know you would have to count back to find them. And this I think, is realistic – the people, mostly women, portrayed in the early chapters have very little life outside the home and the greater world was probably not very real to them. The daily routine is described with fascinating minutiae of details mostly revolving around food and the preparation of food but also around the people within the family groups. It is a completely different society from the Western, and contains regular small shocks to the modern reader.

I ended up with a lot of respect for the strength of character in most of the people portrayed, the authors mother who insisted on becoming educated, travelling to Europe to study against all odds coming home with a foreign fiancé and later uprooting her family and moving them overseas just ahead of the trouble in Iran. Her grandmother, whose determination and independence are practically a force of nature.

The other thing I got out of this book was a strong sense of the decay of a once great country, once the forefront of art, literature and learning (Persia is still a word for wonder even in Western literature) Islam regressed it into a medieval society. Then just as it started advancing again – wealth from the oil being put into health education rights for women, all the things that make a country strong, along came Ayatollah Khomeini and sank it back deeper than it had ever been before in war, privation and all the worst of humanity. So very sad, and captured through this book so well, though no politicisation is ever included in the story; events are mentioned only as they affect the characters lives’ directly.

The ending comes almost abruptly when the story of her mother catches up with the here and now for the author. I felt a bit left in the lurch by the ending at first, but thinking it over it made sense. This was her mother’s story and when it catches up with now the story is over, the loose ends... well so what? Every moment of every life is made up of loose ends, maybe in the future there will be more of the story to tell but not yet .
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Dec 21, 2011 Cheri rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: st-john-s-book-club

I read this book for the January book club at church. I can't for the life of me figure out why they chose it. I read the reviews of the book before I read it, and that may have been part of the let-down. I was preparing to be "inspired" and "enthralled." I ended up being "pissed off" and "aggravated." There is nothing inspiring about women who continue to endure abuse generation after generation for themselves and their children. I understand the cultural aspects at play here, but these women w...more

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Feb 05, 2011 Marialyce rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: february-2011, non-fiction

I did become very interested in this topic of an Iranian mother and an American daughter. Although the story really should be entitled something like My Mother's Trials and Joys In Iran, as the book details a life of hardship and happiness in a culture that really has had such a tough time granting women any say or any power.

The book details Lili's (the mother) difficulties in her Iranian life. Forced into marriage at age thirteen to a sadistic man, she was beaten, kicked, and bitten into submi...more

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Oct 25, 2012 S rated it 3 of 5 stars

I found this to be a very touching tribute of an Iranian/German daughter to her mother who for most of her life, she seems to have misunderstood and not really known, that was until the death of her German born father. The author, Ms. Darznik, flies in from Back East where she is finishing extensive graduate school, to be with her mother and help her pack up a life that she now can no longer afford. Whilst doing this, she inadvertently stumbles upon an old, black and white photograph of her moth...more I found this to be a very touching tribute of an Iranian/German daughter to her mother who for most of her life, she seems to have misunderstood and not really known, that was until the death of her German born father. The author, Ms. Darznik, flies in from Back East where she is finishing extensive graduate school, to be with her mother and help her pack up a life that she now can no longer afford. Whilst doing this, she inadvertently stumbles upon an old, black and white photograph of her mother as a young girl in a wedding dress, standing next to a man, she has never seen. When she asks her mother about the picture, her mother refuses to speak about it and eventually, Ms. Darznik boards a plane home and all is left unspoken.

That is until months later when a cassette tape arrives for her from her mother Lili. Lili has decided to tell the story of her life in Iran, a full life she had before she met Ms. Darznik's German father. But Lili does not immediately give all details related to the picture for she begins by saying; "If you want to know my story, you have to know about Avenue Moniriyeh, about your grandmother Kobra and your grandfather Sohrab, and what Iran was then. Because we couldn't just do what you do here - forget your name and who you belong to. Our lives were not like that. No".

And so over the course of what would be ten cassette tapes, Lili tells her daughter about Kobra, Lili's mother and her marriage arranged to Sohrab and about the unhappiness that ensued but she continuously points out that in order to understand her own story, you had to understand the Iran of those days and so she goes to great pains to paint a vivid picture of the way life was in those days and then slowly, she gets to the story about her own arranged marriage to Kazem at the age of thirteen! The marriage was a very abusive one and one that Lili was told she had to endure.

After the birth of her daughter Sara, when she was just fourteen years old, Lili almost died at the hands of her husband and when she decided to leave him and file for divorce, a totally foreign concept in Iran of those days, she was told that she would lose her daughter for the children were taken from the mother and raised by the husband's family. That is a decision that Lili made and the pain from that decision is one she would suffer from for the remainder of her life.

This is the story of a child who was raised in this country but never felt like she totally belonged due to the foreign ways of her household (Iranian mother and German father) and her attempts to shirk off anything Iranian and foreign and her then coming around to understanding her mother as the courageous, flawed, strong but extremely loving woman that she is. She realizes that to truly understand her mother, she must understand the generations of women that her mother came from and the sacrifices they all made for the love of their families and children.(less)

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May 27, 2012 Jinnychoi rated it 4 of 5 stars

I had a hard time putting this book down. I found the story to be sad and powerful at the same time. I felt that the women in the story, considering their background to be very strong women. It very easy to inject our own experiences and viewpoints onto these women. For example saying that these women should have left their abusive and drunk husbands or gone against traditional customs of marriage and expectations. We cannot take our own cultural and moral beliefs and impart them on to what thes...more

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Jan 02, 2012 Kathryn rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012

The author grew up in California, the only daughter of an Irani mother and a German father, and as she grew up American rather than Irani, her mother would compare her with the Good Daughter back in Iran, who was a girl devoted to her mother and who would never dream of dating or wearing short skirts or rebelling against her mother’s authority. The author grew up and moved to New York; in her middle twenties her father died, and when she and her mother were sorting through boxes, the author foun...more The author grew up in California, the only daughter of an Irani mother and a German father, and as she grew up American rather than Irani, her mother would compare her with the Good Daughter back in Iran, who was a girl devoted to her mother and who would never dream of dating or wearing short skirts or rebelling against her mother’s authority. The author grew up and moved to New York; in her middle twenties her father died, and when she and her mother were sorting through boxes, the author found a wedding photo of her mother, aged about fourteen, with a man who was not the author’s father. From this beginning comes a riveting tale of the lives of the author’s mother and grandmothers in Iran, in a book that I very much enjoyed reading.

Once the author confronts her mother Lili with the photo, the mother refuses to speak of it; but then, with the author back in New York, the mother begins sending her cassette tapes (ten in all), telling of her life in Tehran and of the lives of her own mother, her grandmother, and of the “Good Daughter”, the half-sister that the author never even knew she had. The tapes tell of an Iran in which veiled women live at home (rarely getting an education of any kind) before a husband is selected for any given woman by her family, following the confirmation of the bride’s virginity. Women have no real existence outside of the lives of their husbands or sons; A husband’s authority over his wife (or wives) is absolute; and divorce is unheard of, as a divorced woman is considered to be damaged goods and unmarriageable.

As we learn of the lives of Lili’s grandmothers, of her mother and father, and of her own life, kept hidden from her American daughter, we see an Iran that is gradually becoming more Western under the influence of the Shahs of the House of Pavlavi, Rezā Shāh (ruled 1925 – 1941) and his son Mohammad Rezā Shāh (ruled 1941 – 1979). The book reads like a novel, as the author herself does not arrive in the story until relatively near the end of the book. But the author realizes that each of the women in her family history worked with what they had to make their lives better and to try to improve the lives of their daughters, in the best way they could manage.

It is observed midway through the book that foreigners either see Iran as the cradle of civilization and culture or as a Medieval backwater; after reading this book, one realizes that the truth of Iran before the 1979 Revolution lies, as usual, somewhere in between the two extremes. And I very much enjoyed reading this book, and I will thank the member of my Third Tuesday Book Club who lent the book to me when I see her at this month’s Book Club Meeting and return the book to her.(less)

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May 05, 2011 Sarah Whitney rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2011, library, memoir-biography, uconn

At night she fell asleep wondering whether he would wake up angry or happy the next day. As soon as he left for work in the mornings, she would try to guess whether he would come home for lunch or stay away until dinnertime. What could she do to please him when he returned? Should she greet him with a smile, or should she avoid his eyes until he spoke to her? Should she comb her hair and put on a fresh dress for him? Would he be glad to see her looking pretty or would he accuse her of having ma...more
At night she fell asleep wondering whether he would wake up angry or happy the next day. As soon as he left for work in the mornings, she would try to guess whether he would come home for lunch or stay away until dinnertime. What could she do to please him when he returned? Should she greet him with a smile, or should she avoid his eyes until he spoke to her? Should she comb her hair and put on a fresh dress for him? Would he be glad to see her looking pretty or would he accuse her of having made herself up and gone out by herself?
page 77

It was when she was cleaning and rinsing the herbs one day that year that she discovered a way to make herself disappear. By focusing all her attention on a chore, she could summon a distinct sensation of cutting loose from her worries, from the room, from her own body. She practiced the trick over and over until she could sustain this peaceful state for intervals of an hour - or even longer.
page 79

That night as she ran a wet washcloth over his face and wrapped rags around the cuts, he pressed his head against her chest and for the first time in many months he had cried again. It was then, at that moment, that she understood if he was capable of hurting himself like this, neither she herself nor her own daughter would ever be safe, and more than anything that had happened so far in their marriage, it was this realization that frightened her.
page 94

...there is a mercy in forgetting and also in letting one's self be forgotten.
page 262

For Lili, Mariam's death belonged to a class of grief so deep it foreclosed the possibility of tears.
page 266

This was 1981, Ronald Reagan was president, and "immigrants," when these women thought of them at all, were the brown-skinned "Mexicans" who loitered in the canal down in San Rafael. Iran was "Eye-ran" and hospitality, where Lili found it in Tiburon, extended no further than a thin-lipped half smile. Here her fine clothes were absurd, her pleasantries incomprehensible. In consequence, there would be no invitations to their cocktail parties or their sailing cruises or their ski cabins up in Tahoe. And for her part, Lili would never forget their barely perceptible but still unmistakable cruelties, or, for that matter, their stunning absence of style.
page 284

For Lili there would be a revelation of another kind that year. Once a week she went to visit Johann and afterward she'd sit in a room with the other patients' wives. The women sat in a circle and one after another they told their stories. They wept openly, without shame, without apology. She had never known anyone to speak candidly of such troubles, and as she, too, wept and told her story, Lili would marvel at the honesty that is possible sometimes only among strangers.
page 301
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Nov 26, 2012 Aban (Aby) rated it 3 of 5 stars

This is a memoir of the author's mother. Up til the time of her father's death, Jasmin Darznik knew very little about her Iranian mother. Then, on finding a photograph of her mother as a child bride, she started to wonder about her mother's past. Her mother responded by recording her life story on a series of tapes, thus revealing a past she had kept secret for many years. Lili, the mother, was a remarkable woman. Born in Iran, married to an abusive man at the age of thirteen, she nevertheless y...more

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Aug 02, 2011 Ronya Misleh rated it 4 of 5 stars

Haven't read a memoir in a while, so this was a nice treat. Very interesting story about how the author "discovers" that her mother had a "secret" life before she met and married the author's father (and, really, even after). The story is relayed to Darznik through cassette tapes that her mother sends to her over a period of several months. Through her mother's own words, Darznik learns of the troubles and obstacles that her mother--married off at 13 and a mother by 14--encounters as a young bri...more

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Mar 10, 2011 Melissa rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: women-s-history, memoir

Following the sudden death of her father, Jasmin Darznik flew back home to San Francisco for the funeral, then stayed with her mother to help her sort through their belongings. Amidst an accumulation of letters and photographs, Darznik came across an old photograph of her mother, Lili, standing dolefully next to an older man. In shock, Darznik suddenly realized that she was holding a wedding photo, and that the man next her mother was not her father.

Darznik took the photograph but did not broach...more

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Feb 13, 2011 Lisa Eggers rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: iran

The Good Daughter has everything I love in a book. It's an intimate look into another culture, a woman's relationship with her mother, and her journey towards understanding and truth. It's an honest and beautifully told memoir of a modern American woman who is seeking to understand and appreciate her deep, deep roots. In writing The Good Daughter, Jasmin Darznik has succeeded eloquently on all accounts.

This story is so rich and layered, it's almost hard to believe that it's a memoir and not a n...more The Good Daughter has everything I love in a book. It's an intimate look into another culture, a woman's relationship with her mother, and her journey towards understanding and truth. It's an honest and beautifully told memoir of a modern American woman who is seeking to understand and appreciate her deep, deep roots. In writing The Good Daughter, Jasmin Darznik has succeeded eloquently on all accounts.

This story is so rich and layered, it's almost hard to believe that it's a memoir and not a novel. It seems like the creation of someone's dreams, only the charaters are too deep and too real to be fiction. The women in these pages are so strong, but they are vulnerable too. They feel deeply and love passionately, and endure so many things. They are heartbreakingly intelligent at a time when education for women was so hard to come by. Lili's life is so full of richness and poorness, fortune and misfortune, love, luck, and misunderstanding. How can one life hold this much diversity? It is a life that was waiting to be told, and Jasmin Darznik has done so beautifully.

This book takes the reader through the facsinating recent history of Iran, from the time before the installation of the pro-western Shah, through Ayatollah Khomeini's revolution and to the present day. Can you imagine being a woman and living a life in which you are brought up to see women veiled, then told to remove the veil and to embrace a western Iran, and then finally to be again under a veil and told to reject those things? So much dramatic change in one lifetime! I have been fascinated by this for some time, and this book has really allowed me to see that world intimately.

I would also recommend Rick Steve's Iran, a one-hour documentary on the country of Iran. I found this documentary to be very un-biased and mostly non-political. The intention was to meet the people of modern-day Iran and show their lives, clear up the many, many misunderstandings and misconceptions that Americans have when facing Iranians and their country, and to show the beauty of the country itself. As our world becomes smaller and smaller, I believe it to be our responsiblity to educate ourselves and seek to understand the people of Iran. As I do this, I am greeted by a warm and loving community that holds many of my same values near and dear to their hearts.

I enjoyed this book so much. I felt like I was in Tehran when I would read it at night, and during the day I was waiting to get back there. I loved it! I hope this author is busy at work on her next project! Her prose is beautiful and she's a natural story-teller. It's a truely beautiful story. (less)

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May 19, 2012 Birgit rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

To Jasmin Darznik The Good Daughter always epitomized her Iranian mother's warning about herself becoming "too American". Only after her father's death Jasmin finds out that she has indeed a sister, the good daughter, back in Iran. Over the course of ten tapes her mother, Lili, tells her whole life story, sharing an intimate view into the lives of three generations of Iranian women.
Beautifully written, in a clear voice, this is both a touching and fascinating account of Iranian life in the mid-2...more

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May 16, 2012 Julie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Mmeh...? I was able to identify with the premise of "The Good Daughter": grown daughter comes across a photograph of her mother as a child-bride with a man she does not recognize and begins to ask Mom questions; out comes a complex, revealing story, too good not to be retold. Often, it is not until we are grown adults ourselves that we see the true humanity of our parents, the real person who had a life and loves and hurts before, and even during, our own childhood. That being said, at many poin...more

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Jul 17, 2011 NancyG rated it 4 of 5 stars

I'd likely give this 4 1/2 stars if that were an option but with the 1/2 star option, I'll go with 4. I learned a lot about Iranian women in the 50's, 60's and 70's in this nonfiction book told by a daughter of her mother's and grandmother's past in Iran. The writing is strong and the storyline, with a few exceptions, moves along. It brought back memories of my college years in the early 70's not really understanding watching Iranian students protesting the Shah with bags on their heads to hide...more

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Dec 31, 2012 Pauline rated it 3 of 5 stars

Who is the "good daughter?" The reader has a choice of several characters in the memoir by Jasmine Darznik. The story is set in both Iran and the United Staes and covers several decades. I found the earlier chapters the most interesting, those that told the story of Lilli, Jasmine's mother. It is always interesting to read about growing up in a culture that is very different from the one you are familiar with, and Iran in the 1940's and 50's was different to say the least. Women were illiterate...more

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Jul 08, 2012 Jessica rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir

Jasmin Darznik is a successful, first-generation, Iranian American—a lawyer and English professor who remembers little of the country she left as a child. After her father dies, she finds a wedding photo of her mother, Lili, at her wedding to a much older man.

Lili is unable to talk to her daughter about the photo, but after Jasmin returns to her own home, Lili sends her audio tapes that tell the story of her childhood, first marriage and life prior to Jasmin's birth. The book is a memoir, but it...more Jasmin Darznik is a successful, first-generation, Iranian American—a lawyer and English professor who remembers little of the country she left as a child. After her father dies, she finds a wedding photo of her mother, Lili, at her wedding to a much older man.

Lili is unable to talk to her daughter about the photo, but after Jasmin returns to her own home, Lili sends her audio tapes that tell the story of her childhood, first marriage and life prior to Jasmin's birth. The book is a memoir, but it is Jasmin telling her mother's story.

Her descriptions of the foods, scents and traditions of pre-revolution Iran are tempting and lush, all the more poignant because Lili's life is violent and unpredictable. She divorces her abusive husband but she is left with nothing, not even her first baby girl, who is raised by the father's family.

Lili's spirit and resilience are the center of this story. While still in her teens, she travels to Germany to study midwifery, then ricochets from Europe to Iran and back as her financial and family circumstances dictate. She eventually meets and marries Johann, a German of Slavic origin who is a hard worker but also an alcoholic, and struggles with infertility before giving birth to Jasmin. Lili is the family's emotional center and she earns professional respect as a midwife while trying to raise Jasmin and maintain contact with the daughter she left behind.

Lili, Jasmin and Johann eventually move to the United States, and in these last chapters the story falters for me. The writing remains beautiful but Jasmin is trying to piece together the story with her own memories and to find some sort of resolution, and it didn't feel genuine. Family stories teach us lessons but they don't really resolve. I also wish Darznik shared more about her writing process. Did her mother read the book for accuracy? Did she base the story entirely on the tapes? These are minor quibbles, however, and I highly recommend this book both as a memoir and as a tale of motherhood and the power of family history.(less)

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Feb 21, 2011 Pat rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book was a fast,ok read. It did offer a new perspective on the life of a female in the Shah's Iran and in America after evacuating during the revolution. The shouthearted way these women kept striving to make their lives and thier childrens lives better regardless of the circumstance is remarkable. While the insight was enlightening the charactors did not pull me in and really make me a part of them. After reading the book it does not draw you back to relive any part of the experiences of t...more

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Mar 09, 2011 Laurie rated it 5 of 5 stars

There are so many good, new, nonfiction books out right now and this is one of them! I have to admit that I almost put this down inititally because it reminded me too much of "Thousand Splendid Suns"/"Kite Runner" style where a horrible disaster occurs to the poor protagonist at every page. But eventually the plot evens out a bit and the book is impossible to put down as you are rooting for the author's mother, Lili, as she makes a life for herself in pre-revolution Iran. I loved the references...more

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Mar 07, 2011 Lora rated it 5 of 5 stars

A beautiful memoir mostly of the author's mother and her life. A fascinating look into another culture that almost felt too intense to be nonfiction. Fantabulous! Found the idea that being biracial in Iran was a positive thing and that here in America it was mostly a negative thing fascinating. "When I was a child, shame was my first, true and native instinct. Nothing about me was right in America; nothing about me "fit" here. In Iran I'd been coddled and fussed over as a "to-veined child," but...more

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Nov 15, 2012 Kathleen McRae rated it 4 of 5 stars

The Good daughter was a very interesting read.It is a detailed picture of women in Iranian society both before and after the revolution.the story is a memoir of a woman named Lili and her mother Kobra and was painful to read let alone live.It describes a world of men who live with impunity deciding the fortunes of their worthless female relatives and unbelievably the harshest of all toward their sex are the women.The mothers in law ,the aunts, the sisters are the enforcers. I know this way still...more

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Sep 20, 2012 Amy Schwartz rated it 4 of 5 stars

I found this book to an engrossing and an easy read. The description of the Iranian culture during the early 20th century was enlightening. The control of men and the acceptance by women of their lack of power over their own lives, was upsetting but not surprising given the status of women in modern day Iran. I enjoyed reading about the changes in the lives of the three generations of women, although I felt that the author's description of her mother's emotions was at times wooden and shallow. D...more

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