Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

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Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

3.8 of 5 stars 3.80 · rating details · 18,443 ratings · 1,769 reviews

“I didn’t decide to become anorexic. It snuck up on me disguised as a healthy diet, a professional attitude. Being as thin as possible was a way to make the job of being an actress easier . . .” Portia de Rossi weighed only 82 pounds when she collapsed on the set of the Hollywood film in which she was playing her first leading role. This should have been the culmination of...more “I didn’t decide to become anorexic. It snuck up on me disguised as a healthy diet, a professional attitude. Being as thin as possible was a way to make the job of being an actress easier . . .” Portia de Rossi weighed only 82 pounds when she collapsed on the set of the Hollywood film in which she was playing her first leading role. This should have been the culmination of all her years of hard work—first as a child model in Australia, then as a cast member of one of the hottest shows on American television. On the outside she was thin and blond, glamorous and successful. On the inside, she was literally dying.

In this searing, unflinchingly honest book, Portia de Rossi captures the complex emotional truth of what it is like when food, weight, and body image take priority over every other human impulse or action. She recounts the elaborate rituals around eating that came to dominate hours of every day, from keeping her daily calorie intake below 300 to eating precisely measured amounts of food out of specific bowls and only with certain utensils. When this wasn’t enough, she resorted to purging and compulsive physical exercise, driving her body and spirit to the breaking point.

Even as she rose to fame as a cast member of the hit television shows Ally McBeal and Arrested Development, Portia alternately starved herself and binged, all the while terrified that the truth of her sexuality would be exposed in the tabloids. She reveals the heartache and fear that accompany a life lived in the closet, a sense of isolation that was only magnified by her unrelenting desire to be ever thinner. With the storytelling skills of a great novelist and the eye for detail of a poet, Portia makes transparent as never before the behaviors and emotions of someone living with an eating disorder.

From her lowest point, Portia began the painful climb back to a life of health and honesty, falling in love with and eventually marrying Ellen DeGeneres, and emerging as an outspoken and articulate advocate for gay rights and women’s health issues.

In this remarkable and beautifully written work, Portia shines a bright light on a dark subject. A crucial book for all those who might sometimes feel at war with themselves or their bodies, Unbearable Lightness is a story that inspires hope and nourishes the spirit.(less)

Hardcover, 312 pages

Published November 1st 2010 by Atria Books

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May 05, 2011 Buggy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: bio-memoir, shelf-11, addicted

Opening Line: “He doesn’t wait until I’m awake. He comes into my unconscious to find me, to pull me out.”

I knew almost nothing about Portia De Rossi before reading her gripping biography. Sure I’d seen her years ago on Ally McBeal. I knew she was beautiful, I knew she was married to Ellen DeGeneres and I had just assumed she was another perfect movie star living the dream with a life to be envious of. This is so not the case here.

Unbearable Lightness is brutal, scary, well written and shocking...more Opening Line: “He doesn’t wait until I’m awake. He comes into my unconscious to find me, to pull me out.”

I knew almost nothing about Portia De Rossi before reading her gripping biography. Sure I’d seen her years ago on Ally McBeal. I knew she was beautiful, I knew she was married to Ellen DeGeneres and I had just assumed she was another perfect movie star living the dream with a life to be envious of. This is so not the case here.

Unbearable Lightness is brutal, scary, well written and shocking in its honesty, chronicling Portia’s almost lifelong struggle with an eating disorder. We bare witness as she yo-yo diets through the ages of 12-25 binging and purging, basing her happiness on the number on the scale. Then finally (through the help of a nutritionist) we watch as Portia becomes successful at “dieting.” Starving and excessively excising her way down to 82 lbs. Sad, frightening, tortuous and just plain crazy, this was engrossing yet at times painful to read.

We are given some insight into Portia’s life however this does not read like your standard memoir, focusing almost exclusively on her eating disorder and shying away from any real understanding of her career or personal relationships. In a vague sense we learn of Portia’s childhood in Australia, her early modeling days, first marriage in Los Angeles and almost invisible, worthless feelings associated with Ally McBeal. The only behind the scenes we get there are regarding her fittings and the size of her powers suits. Portia’s sexuality is discussed but again vaguely, mainly it’s as a fear of being exposed and her confusion living life as a closeted gay woman.

Throughout we get the feeling that Portia doesn’t feel she deserves anything, to say she has low self esteem would be an understatement, she has no self esteem. She is lonely, obsessed with food and calorie counting and her only real relationship is with her treadmill. Basing any happiness on losing weight, because everything will be perfect if she can just lose 5-10-15 lbs. As a warning; during the height of her disease this begins to read a bit like a how-to-guide for the anorexic and I would bare this in mind if you’re at all going to be using this book as a form of recovery tool.

During one Christmas Portia hits her lowest weight. At 82 lbs she’s consuming just 300 calories a day. She knows she’s too thin, she’s hiding her bony arms and her family is crying at the sight of her however she no longer knows how to eat, food scares her and she’s afraid of going back to the binging/purging and self hatred.

Eventually on a movie set DeRossi’s body can longer take the abuse; she’s sick, exhausted and her bones ache. She has also developed osteoporosis and lupus and has to start eating. Portia’s recovery process here is insightful, uplifting and beautifully done and I really wish her the best. Cheers

This was the scariest passage for me;
“I hadn’t eaten for many hours and my calorie count was fairly low that day, I would allow myself to have a piece of Extra chewing gum. I always allowed myself to have gum, but at 5 calories a stick, I had to add it to my daily calorie allowance because it was these kinds of unrecorded calories that could build up and cause you to gain weight.”

-Portia proceeds to “pig out” in a self described “frenzied feeding.” Consuming the entire pack of gum in a matter of minutes. Then filled with guilt over what she’s done and terrified she’ll gain weight again she begins running sprints (in high heels) across the mall parking lot, in a desperate attempt to rid her body of the calories and maintain control. (less)

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Apr 01, 2011 Very rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: true-hollywood-stories, true-story, 2011, borrowed, lgbt, xx, this-is-mental

My “favorite” part was eight pages in, when she indulges in “too much” yogurt, freaks out, and starts doing lunges to make up for it: “I start sobbing now as I lunge my way across the floor and I wonder how many calories I’m burning by sobbing. Sobbing and lunging – it’s got to be at least 30 calories. It crosses my mind to vocalize my thoughts of self-loathing because speaking the thoughts that fuel the sobs would have to burn more calories than just thinking the thoughts…”

I’ve read/seen a numb...more

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Dec 12, 2010 jo rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir, the-body, queer, mama-is-crazy

i wish i knew the conditions of the publishing of this book. it is so obvious that the book could have been much, much better with just some editing (even just some basic copy-editing would have made a difference!). the hand of a loving editor could have made it so much stronger, it's a real shame this hand wasn't given much, or any, play.

the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingein...more i wish i knew the conditions of the publishing of this book. it is so obvious that the book could have been much, much better with just some editing (even just some basic copy-editing would have made a difference!). the hand of a loving editor could have made it so much stronger, it's a real shame this hand wasn't given much, or any, play.

the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingeing and began the serious process of being a bone fide anorexic, is fascinating and heart-rending. portia represents very well the interdependence of control, lack of control, self-deception, compulsion, obsession and self-hatred that make this condition so damn difficult to heal. she also hints, maybe unwillingly, to some of the dynamics that took her to her massive lack of self-confidence and her tremendous self-hatred. at some point, in one brief passage, she fingers her father as the obvious culprit, but the book makes abundantly clear that the relation between portia and her mother is not a little problematic.

the second part, therefore, is the best and most readable. i think one could simply skip the first and start there. this is not to say it could not have used editing, too.

at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written. it must have been tough. in spite of her obvious weaknesses, this woman is a marvel of strength, talent, and resilience. i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, survive and manage to create meaningful relationships, and sit down to write a 300 page book about it all. just wow.

i read this because i was wondering whether to teach it. it's a good representation of what an eating disorder is, but ultimately, in spite of portia's best efforts, it still proclaims the gospel of thinness. i like that portia points out that all of us have a basic weight we'll naturally gravitate around if things are pretty decent for us and we don't eat crazily, but i am sorry she didn't say that, for some people, this weight is not 130 lb. for some people it's 180 lb, and that's okay too. i wish she had said this.

we owe so much to ellen. she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women. i am happy that portia and ellen found each other.

maybe i will teach the second half of this book. i'm not sure i'll teach the epilogue, though. i want kids to feel okay about being heavier than 130 lb.

(less)

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Nov 25, 2012 Thomas rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: glbt, nonfiction, 2nd-favorites, five-stars

Before I begin my review of this book, I want to share the story of the first and last time I forced myself to throw up. While this doesn’t relate exactly to Unbearable Lightness, it sheds light on why I empathize so much with Portia De Rossi and what she went through. Skip down a few paragraphs if you wish.

In my first few years of adolescence, I always felt lost. I was born gay in a society where the word faggot is tossed around like footballs are thrown on Sunday, born homosexual in a world wh...more Before I begin my review of this book, I want to share the story of the first and last time I forced myself to throw up. While this doesn’t relate exactly to Unbearable Lightness, it sheds light on why I empathize so much with Portia De Rossi and what she went through. Skip down a few paragraphs if you wish.

In my first few years of adolescence, I always felt lost. I was born gay in a society where the word faggot is tossed around like footballs are thrown on Sunday, born homosexual in a world where my own mother prefers me dead than happy with a man. I couldn’t change any of this – all I thought I could do was struggle through school and maybe make a friend or two.

Couple that with the need to be above average. Getting good grades wasn’t satisfying enough, so I controlled and obsessed about the simplest, most natural thing: my body. Society couldn’t make a law about being too skinny or too fat. I was never dangerously underweight, but I loved to teeter at the edge. At the edge, I felt accomplished, not average. Here’s a quote from the book where she discusses “average”:

“Average. It was the worst, most disgusting word in the English language. Nothing meaningful or worthwhile ever came from that word. An average person doesn’t cure cancer, win Olympic medals, or become a movie star. What kind of a boring, uninspired life was I going to live if I was thought of as ‘average’ in any category? My brother could not have levied a greater insult than calling me average with the exception of ‘normal,’ ordinary,’ and ‘mediocre’.”

But I stopped. Like Portia, I found other ways to express my emotions and take control of my surroundings. Part of this was due to when I forced myself to throw up with two fingers down my throat. I don’t recall the circumstances of the incident too well, but I remember the horrid pain – the pounding sensation beating across my skull, and the feeling of acid burning in my mouth. Of course transition from unhealthy to healthy was a gradual process that involved much more self-discovery than just that, but that’s one moment I can clearly recall.

My struggle isn’t even an eighth of what De Rossi went through in Unbearable Lightness. In the book, she details her draining yo-yo diet, her multiple episodes of binging and bulimia, and how she nearly lost it all after whittling herself down to a mere 82 pounds. Her struggle to meet the expectations placed upon her by herself and her Hollywood circle was horrifying – thankfully, she also shares the story of her uplifting recovery, and her heartwarming romance with Ellen DeGeneres.

De Rossi’s writing wasn’t perfect. A better editor could have eliminated the few typos and unattractive sentences I saw. But none of that mattered, because her honesty and how she made her sickening struggle relatable won me over. I cringed, I sighed, and I nearly cried in the middle of a shoe store. She can actually write pretty well, as there are several powerful quotes I noted while reading. Here’s one that describes her insecurity and her distrust during her battle with anorexia:

“All the words Ann used were euphemisms for fat. Normal just meant that I was fat. Since when did anyone ever go to the doctor’s and feel good about being in the weight range that’s considered normal? A normal size for women in this country is a size 12. Models aren’t ‘normal.’ Actresses aren’t ‘normal.’ She may as well have told me that I’d just embarrassed myself in front of 15 million people.”

I suppose the real reason I love this book is because I can empathize with it so much. Ellen was right when she said that it would help a lot of people. No, I don’t know what it’s like to keep track of every calorie I eat or to starve myself to the point of collapse. But it’s wonderful to know that someone else – someone successful, gay, and happily married – survived it all and is still doing much more.

*review cross-posted on my blog, the quiet voice.(less)

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Jan 07, 2011 C rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: favorite-non-fiction, i-recommend

Update to give another star, now that I've finished it.

The book could have used a little better editing, but the writing is intelligent. Writing level is not the point, here, though. The goal was not literature, but to send a message, and this she accomplishes very well.

It was, to me, a very powerful book and something I really strongly feel should be read by anyone going through a diet or appearance struggle. Especially the end of the book and epilogue. If you skim everything else, at least sit...more

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Jun 28, 2011 Meg ♥ rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: e-books, z-2011-reads, celeb-stalker

This was such a great story. It was so inspiring to see someone come back from such a low time, and get her life back together. She is a beautiful woman, and I'm sure her story will help some people who battle this difficult problem.

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Dec 02, 2012 Lizzi Crystal rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I've always had a girlcrush on Portia de Rossi, and especially what she stands for: that lesbians can be glamorous and feminine. But this book soured me on her. I appreciate her candid honesty and delving so deeply into the nitty gritty of an eating disorder, but she started out spoiled, remarkably selfish, an attention whore, and didn't seem to experience much change or growth. The best part of the book is the end, when she encourages us to "welcome the worst case scenario" into our lives, tell...more

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Sep 24, 2012 Mickey (I'm A Book Shark) rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Anyone who struggles with weight and food.

Shelves: 2012, audio

See full review here!

Oh wow. How awful. Portia de Rossi's story is so eye-opening and honest. It made me feel less alone and slightly neurotic. Now, I don't have anorexia, but I do have a serious love/hate relationship with food. It's been a battle for years, and I'm currently "dieting." Hearing her story right when I probably needed it the most has been enlightening.

I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for more about her and Ellen. I don't read book descriptions so I had NO clue that this book w...more See full review here!

Oh wow. How awful. Portia de Rossi's story is so eye-opening and honest. It made me feel less alone and slightly neurotic. Now, I don't have anorexia, but I do have a serious love/hate relationship with food. It's been a battle for years, and I'm currently "dieting." Hearing her story right when I probably needed it the most has been enlightening.

I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for more about her and Ellen. I don't read book descriptions so I had NO clue that this book was about her battle with eating disorders. But all wasn't lost - not in the least. I was so engrossed with her life story, taking in all I could about how rationally she talked about her mindset, that I hardly remembered the Ellen part of her life. Her thoughts were more than preposterous, but she talks about it all like she's the sane one. It's incredible what these diseases do to a person, physically and mentally.

Trying to convince herself that she wasn't gay, Portia de Rossi created a diversion and focused on her body. 115 pounds was her goal weight at 5'7", but, being a newly famous actress, that turned out not to be good enough. Bottoming out at 82 pounds (!!!!), de Rossi finally reached her breaking point when her body wouldn't comply with her mind's wishes. It's astounding that she managed to eat so little and do so much!!

I basically loved listening to her story, heartbreaking as it is. She narrates this herself, so everything is spoken just as she means it. Our culture these days doesn't seem to make a big deal about eating disorders anymore, but it's serious business. de Rossi is so brave for sharing her story in hopes to help anyone who struggles with the daily ins and outs of eating and maintaining good health at the same time. As someone who deals with this every day, I so appreciate this story. It makes me feel brave to just enjoy being who I am, knowing that I'm not alone, and to make peace with the fact that health will come with a good balance in my life. THANK YOU.(less)

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May 25, 2011 Zelda rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I've been reading a lot of books about eating. I'm very interested in why we, as a society, can't seem to do it right anymore. (I have this same question in regards to the, um, marital arts but that's a different review.) Why are people freaking out about food? Why is everyone fat? Except for the people who are too thin? What's with them? I'm also particularly interested in eating since having 1) lost a lot of weight almost 10 years ago and 2) having learned that my infant cousin starved to deat...more I've been reading a lot of books about eating. I'm very interested in why we, as a society, can't seem to do it right anymore. (I have this same question in regards to the, um, marital arts but that's a different review.) Why are people freaking out about food? Why is everyone fat? Except for the people who are too thin? What's with them? I'm also particularly interested in eating since having 1) lost a lot of weight almost 10 years ago and 2) having learned that my infant cousin starved to death in the 1970s as a victim of Communism. I don't understand how we relate to food anymore on a societal level and I'm not that comfortable with it on a personal level either.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't love a good celebrity autobiography. Or even a terrible one if it is terrible in the right way. And I'm particularly interested in Portia de Rossi because she's interesting looking (those eyebrows) and she's been on two (prematurely cancelled) shows that I've loved: Arrested Development and Better Off Ted. I'm not really familiar with her from the Ally McBeal years and I take no small amount of pride in never having seen one episode of that show (too busy watching "90210"). I frequently forget that Portia is a lesbian because I'm so tolerant like that and because she has long hair and wears lipstick. But, that's neither here nor there. The combination of beautifully slim celebrity from my favorite TV program and the topic of eating (disordered or otherwise) was an irresistible pairing.

But, I wasn't hopeful after finishing the first chapter. The writing was overwrought and awkward and felt like it had been reworked to death. But, the subject matter, as I've mentioned, is of keen interest to me currently and I've read worse so I forged ahead. Forged ahead to the point where I locked myself in my room this morning so I could finish it without disruption. That didn't happen but it would have been cool if it had worked. While someone (author or editor) may have struggled with the first chapter, the rest is passably written and engaging.

Now, I've never had one moment's concern that I might be anorexic or have an eating disorder but this book - it made me deeply uncomfortable. She has a clever way of describing an inarguably crazy element of her diet/fitness routine that would make you cringe and think, "Girlfriend, that is just sick", and then immediately describe another element of said routine that was more than a little familiar. Worry about "incidental" calories from toothpaste? Crazy. Measure out all of your food all day long. Totally sane. Maybe. Start frantically jumping up and down in front of your whole family because you ate a potato? Crazy. Blurting out to your husband, "I'm just so exhausted from having to watch everything I eat!" Totally sane. Probably. Possibly. Whatever. Don't look at me like that. You have issues too.

I've been overweight. Very overweight. It was a short period of time sandwiched between longer stretches of being fairly lean and athletic, if never really lithe or skinny. It took a lot of discipline to lose that weight and the fear of gaining it back is with me all of the time. In reading this book I recognized that it's a very fine line between watching your weight and staying fit and disordered eating. And it isn't a straight line. You can't walk right along the edge hoping that your balance will keep you from falling over the wrong side. It's a crooked line and if you aren't watching vigilantly you're going to be over the line and not even realize it. Because disordered eating isn't just binging and purging. de Rossi's assessment of what is or isn't disordered eating is interesting but I won't give away the ending. I will just say, for now, that I'm leaning more and more in favor of that definition.

On a related note, I was surprised to learn how much anorexics like food. I'd always assumed that they were able to be anorexic because they didn't really like eating. I've always assumed that my love of eating would keep me safe.

I would have liked to have read more about the environment at "Ally McBeal" because it can't be a coincidence that so many of the principals from the series spent their time there looking emaciated and wild-eyed with hunger. She is very careful about how she speaks about everything and everyone from that time, as if legal had redacted all of the good stuff.

I'll make just one more observation. Eating disorders are often, though not always, related to issues of control. In de Rossi's case this seems to be at least partially to blame. But, where most people would probably assess the issue as the mother having too much passive/aggressive control over the child I will go on record on the side of Portia's mother giving her daughter too much control at too early an age. Portia wanted to be a model and models need to be rail thin so rather than say to her over-achieving daughter, "No. You're not going to start dieting now. You're 12." , de Rossi's mother paid for her to join Jenny Craig. I'm not a big believer in letting kids make their own choices. My kids are going to have an awesome rebellion because they will be among the few children out there with something to actually rebel against.

(less)

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Jan 19, 2011 Christine rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really didn't expect to like this book and I ended up loving it. Unbearable Lightness is de Rossi's story of battling her eating disorder, self-hatred because of her sexuality, all while dealing with her increasing fame.

While the book would have benefited from a talented editor (especially in the first half) it is a brutally honest account of her struggles with eating throughout her life. Her struggle is something that every woman can probably related to on some level-the need to fit into soci...more

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Mar 20, 2011 Elaine Gardner rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book was interesting. I found myself relating to her and her issues with food and binge dieting and the control that food had over her.

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Nov 16, 2010 Natalia Smith rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Brilliantly written, intense, engaging, and utterly courageous in it's honesty. Portia bears her soul to the world in this book.

This is a story about a lot of things, but first and foremost, it is a story about being afraid.

This is one those books that forces you to examine your perspective. It speaks directly to that voice in the back of your mind that tells you you're not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. Portia's story takes that voice festering in the shadows of you...more

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Mar 06, 2011 Wendy T rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: sisterhood-of-traveling-books, ultimate-book-club, books-read-in-2011

I enjoyed reading this book. Reading this book made me realize what some people will do to themselves to be and stay thin/skinny. I why this has become a hugh health issue in our society today.

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May 15, 2013 Bethan rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, lgbt-interest

An autobiography of the actress Portia de Rossi who I mostly know of from watching Ally McBeal on Fridays at boarding school (haha, the common room, all huddled together in pjs and dressing gowns).

Portia seems a little nuts.. mentally obsessive. Mostly chronicles her obsessive dieting and recovery. Looking at how skinny she still is, I don't think she really has recovered but she works in an industry where most people are that weight, so, you know. A lot of them meet the medical criteria for an...more

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Apr 24, 2013 Elizabeth Adamson rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I picked up this book from the library shelf on a whim. I knew almost nothing about Portia, apart from what I had read in magazines, so was a bit apprehensive that this would be a shallow memoir, scratching a few surfaces.
I was SO wrong. If Portia wrote all this herself, without a ghost writer, she has a great writing ability. If you are looking for insights into her childhood, career and relationships (especially with Ellen), this book glosses over those aspects of Portia's life. Instead, this...more

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Mar 12, 2013 Paula rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

There comes a time in most people’s life when they read a book that changes their outlook so profoundly that they want to thrust it into the arms of others and demand that they read it ASAP, for me that book is Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi.

Subtitled A Story of Loss and Gain, you know you’re in for a painful read from the get go but I wasn’t expecting it to be this heart wrenching, even after watching de Rossi’s interview on Oprah.

Opening with the revelation that she is regularly woken...more

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Feb 10, 2013 Ashleigh Brown added it · review of another edition

Shelves: to-re-read

I began this book as a fan of Portia from her work in Arrested Development and as an avid supporter of Ellen I was quite aware of her beautiful wife.

However, this book from my perspective is the most honest, raw and truthful account of what it is like living with an eating disorder. Yes it is presented from someone whose now-glamorous life might make you think its not so bad, but that just goes to further prove how all consuming anorexia can be - ruining the lives of rich and poor a like. It loo...more

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Jan 20, 2013 Angela rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2011

Portia de Rossi is now well known as the gay actress from Ally McBeal and Arrested Development, but she travelled a long road to get there. As a child model in Australia, de Rossi (whose birth name is Amanda Rogers) developed some extreme eating habits to prepare for a shoot, involving eating as little as 300 calories a day for two weeks at a time. These periods of famine were immediately rewarded with binges, but de Rossi saw her behavior as professionalism, not an eating disorder. When she mov...more

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Jan 04, 2013 Karen Segal rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this quite awhile go but wanted to weigh in just a bit.
I read the book because I enjoy reading Hollywood tidbits and De Rossi does provide that. She talks rather cuttingly about her experience on the TV show Ally McBeal, which is apparently a large part of the reason she became anorexic/bulimic. Some of that was necessary to know and some just felt petty. De Rossi's coming out story while under the pressure of being in Hollywood is touching and she definitely shows how it can be difficult...more

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Oct 25, 2012 quynh rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

The painstaking detail of disordered behaviors and thought processes takes up the whole of the memoir. The subtitle, "A Story of Loss and Gain," implies the process of suffering and recovery in its entirety, of losing control, but then gaining a sense of self. But what I take from the story is the Loss and Gain fueled by bingeing, purging, and restricting. Undoubtedly, the book strikes numerous emotional chords: it honestly reflects upon the most painful and distressing moments of de Rossi's str...more

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Oct 10, 2012 Cindy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Very brave of her to write about not loving who she was, and nearly killing herself to be the person she thought she had to be to the rest of the world. Very touching, in no way did she "poor is me" at the reader, just wrote it like it was. Crazy how she writes exactly what her mind was thinking when she was going thru her starving years, very revealing in terms of how people with eating disorders view their bodies and what they are doing to it. Not seeing it as a deprivation, but as a goal atta...more

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Sep 04, 2012 Ais rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

I don't want to go into all the details of why I thought this book was so important/why I liked it so much but I'll go into the main reasons. To be fair I will first mention that there are a few technical flaws with it, I suppose, in that the tense shifts now and then. I've seen this mentioned and it's true that it spent so much time focused on the sickness and so little on equally detailing the recovery.

But I don't know how to say this other than just saying it: this is a very accurate view of...more I don't want to go into all the details of why I thought this book was so important/why I liked it so much but I'll go into the main reasons. To be fair I will first mention that there are a few technical flaws with it, I suppose, in that the tense shifts now and then. I've seen this mentioned and it's true that it spent so much time focused on the sickness and so little on equally detailing the recovery.

But I don't know how to say this other than just saying it: this is a very accurate view of anorexia and bulimia. Too often these things are glamorized or dumbed down for the masses who have never struggled with anything like this or don't know anyone who has, and I think that invites misconceptions.

I personally think this is a really important book to read for anyone who has a loved one who they think might be anorexic or bulimic. I think it might help them understand what could be happening in the mind of their loved one. (Also note: these illnesses can affect men as well and I think that's important to mention, but since this book is about a woman in the rest of the review I'm using a generic woman as an example)

I've come to the conclusion, based on various and disconnected conversations over the years, that there's an assumption on the part of those who have never been around someone who's struggled with an eating disorder or never struggled with it themselves, that the person is just being dramatic, or wants attention, or is doing it to piss everyone else off, or is doing it because secretly she's passing judgment on those around her. It's like people interpret it in all the worst ways they can, making it about themselves and why it pisses them off, with it not even occurring to them that it may actually be that the anorexic/bulimic hates herself. That she's doing it for punishment of herself, because she doesn't see anything good in herself, because she thinks she deserves it, because she doesn't know how else to cope with whatever might have started this, because she thinks it's the only way she can be loved, because once she starts down that path she's afraid of doing anything else.

It's a sickness but it's so often treated like a person's being a whiny attention whore.

I once spoke to someone who is usually overly soft spoken and kind and typically won't say a bad word about anyone. She showed me a picture of her friend and said she's anorexic, and then in a condescending voice with the universal Mocking Actions of bobbing her head back and forth and flapping her hands, outright mocked her friend for it. She said that she was just whining and that she was just trying to get attention and how annoying it was. How it made zero sense for a woman that thin to be so whiny about food so, to the woman I was speaking to, it seemed she felt that clearly this was all just a way to get back at other women around her for being normal sized. To make those normal sized women feel like something was wrong with them.

That is why I give this book 5 stars, because this stuff is serious. This isn't something people do half-heartedly. It's painful and horrific and terrifying and it could literally be fatal. It could cause permanent damage. It's not done to piss off people around her; the woman is probably doing it because she feels compelled despite the pain/fear to continue doing the only thing she knows to do.

She's crying for help, even if she doesn't know it. She isn't doing it to make everyone else insecure. It's her own insecurities for herself driving her. She's probably so wrapped up in herself she hardly even notices what it's doing to everyone else.

And in this world where the media constantly flocks to underweight women and praises them exaggeratedly while simultaneously calling normal weight women ugly, overweight, flabby and disgusting, it's easy to start believing that thinness = beauty, and being skinny = the only way to receive love. But further complicating matters, it's a trend and slow media day away from that same "gorgeous! unbelievably flat belly!" turning into "she's so ugly and too thin! what the hell is wrong with this pathetic woman? she needs to gain some weight!"

The search for perfection will never be met because there is no such thing. There will always be someone who will criticize, and someone who will applaud. The very same topic can garner extreme reactions in opposite directions. Ultimately, a person needs to just be happy as themselves, comfortable as themselves, and that sounds simple but it's really hard, and the best way to get there is through support even though those being supportive can be ignored at first by the person in need. It's hard on everyone but it's the way life is.

That's what this book is about. That's why I liked it.

I also want to note that I actually knew very little about Portia de Rossi before seeing her on a few interviews and liking her there. I was intrigued by discussions of this book and bought it after those interviews. I'm glad I did. I like Portia even more for the courage it must have taken her to write this and release it to the world.(less)

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Sep 04, 2012 Alex rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

At her lowest weight, Portia de Rossi weighed 82 pounds. Her day consisted of workouts and an obsession with counting calories, and using the same tools (a food scale, chopsticks, a bowl) were just as important as timing when she could eat her meals (though morsels would be a more appropriate word) to maximize calorie burn. It all catches up with her on a movie set, when she faints, her body destroyed by anorexia.

More than chronicling her eating disorder, Portia de Rossi also chronicles the tra...more

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Aug 30, 2012 Robin rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: adult

My junior year of high school we were required to write our first term paper on a topic that interested us. Of all topics I chose "eating disorders." Why? I remember being scared shitless watching one of those "after school" special movies on the topic and became interested on the subject. One of the girls in the movie would vomit in jars and then throw the evidence in the lake, then one day her mother discovered this disturbing evidence in her closet. Why young girls would go through such hell...more My junior year of high school we were required to write our first term paper on a topic that interested us. Of all topics I chose "eating disorders." Why? I remember being scared shitless watching one of those "after school" special movies on the topic and became interested on the subject. One of the girls in the movie would vomit in jars and then throw the evidence in the lake, then one day her mother discovered this disturbing evidence in her closet. Why young girls would go through such hell and torture their bodies to become in their mind "flawless?" I had no idea. My teacher was either grossed out with my research or just liked picking things apart. I got a C+ on it and then a B- with rewrites. I thought it was informative!

Anyway! I remember when Portia was promoting this book and I was interested to read it. Of all places I found a few copies at the Dollar Tree and picked it up (thanks people on Tumblr for stating that!). Traveling with me to the beach, I read this book in four short sittings. All I can say is, wow! Portia de Rossi hated herself. I mean Portia de Rossi really hated herself. I think it comes with her wanting to be a perfectionist in everything she did that led her to anorexia and bulimia. At a young age she was already body conscious (she modeled when she was 12) and picked up not-so-good habits from others.

Like Portia I'm 5'7" but slightly half an inch taller than her. When she boasted about getting down to 110 pounds I cringed. During my master's program I was down to 113 due to stress and lack of healthy eating habits. I started freaking out how unhealthy that was when I had my physical over the summer and learned of my weight. Unlike her, I didn't try to lose more weight and put back on my normal weight when I finished my program. When she was down to 89 pounds I could only imagine what she looked like. There on the last few pages were pictures of her extremely emaciated, arms and legs bone-like with veins popping out. How she found herself attractive at this weight but unfortunately that is what comes with the mindset of someone with an eating disorder. Looking like a 12-year-old boy is not attractive.

What freaked me out the most was how she had everything meticulously planned and how food was constantly on her brain 24/7. Whether she was weighing her portions, calculating how many calories she ate per day, how many exercises she did, it was exhausting keeping up with her mindset. When she claimed she was eating 300 calories a day I looked at the snack pack of chips I was eating while reading this (260 calories to be exact) and thought "How in the world?!"

I gave this book three stars as I agree with other reviewers; the large majority of this book (the 275 pages or so) is about her disorder. The "epilogue" really does not tell us much about her recovery process which is what I was interested in reading. All I got from it is she's a happier person, she's happier with Ellen and all is well. She doesn't go to gyms anymore, she eats when she wants but is a vegetarian, and she's accepted herself for who she is. That's fantastic but still, how did she get to that point?

If there's any lesson to learn from this book (and she states it a few times) is you really have to be happy with the person you are and what you've been given. Sure we can all point out our flaws but that's what makes us unique. If you are constantly hung up on your body image, that's sad because there's more to life than that. I completely agree with her philosophy that diets are bullshit. I've never dieted or joined a gym. I run or walk and stay active. I don't overload my body with shitty foods but don't deprive myself either when I crave something. But, I eat those things in moderation. If you deprive your body of food it will eventually shut down. (less)

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Aug 17, 2012 Robyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography-or-memoir, library, nonfiction

This is a book about disordered eating. Therefore this review discusses eating disorders.

This was a difficult book to read. It can also be a very dangerous book to read.

Here's me: there are aspects of my body that I'm not 1,000% happy with. I'm not, however, terribly fussed about it. If my thighs aren't slim and trim and smooth and perfect, then they're not, and I have more important things to worry about. I've never been on a diet, I've never purposely thrown up, and I've never skipped a meal...more This is a book about disordered eating. Therefore this review discusses eating disorders.

This was a difficult book to read. It can also be a very dangerous book to read.

Here's me: there are aspects of my body that I'm not 1,000% happy with. I'm not, however, terribly fussed about it. If my thighs aren't slim and trim and smooth and perfect, then they're not, and I have more important things to worry about. I've never been on a diet, I've never purposely thrown up, and I've never skipped a meal for reasons of weight or body image (I've skipped meals due to being in a rush, not having money for food, or because my illness was in a flare-up and eating was far too painful. In all cases, I wished I were eating.). For 90% of my life I've not had a scale in the house, and I judge my weight based on the fit of my clothes and the difficulty of aerobic activities.

This book made me feel fat. It made me wonder how many calories I'm consuming and using each day. It made me think that if I cut back a bit, maybe I'd frown less when family posts photos on facebook that show the backs of my arms. And then the book gave, essentially, instructions on how to begin and nurture an eating disorder. What foods, how much, when. What exercise, how much, when. What tricks to use for those few stubborn pounds or to keep people from stopping you. People who are in the middle of an eating disorder will read this book and not take from it that they're killing themselves. Just as Portia didn't see that, despite all the headlines calling her an anorexic actress and despite the fear and concern from her loved ones. People who have struggled with eating disorders in the past are likely to be thrown into crisis by reading this, unless they are at a very strong place in their recovery. This is a book for people (like me), who have never experienced these thoughts.

Even there, this book was difficult, because so many of Portia's thoughts are normal, everyday, common thoughts...taken to a dangerous and fanatical extreme. She was very real throughout the book, I could feel her personality in the pages. As the book progressed, I kept thinking up things people might try saying to her, to get across to her that what she was doing was horrible. Since "you're too thin" was something she found impossible and therefore funny (attributing it to jealousy), "I'm worried about you" fed the need for love and attention, "anorexic" was something she defined very specifically in her own mind and therefore dismissed as being simply untrue, I kept hoping for someone to try things like "you look sick", "you look bad", "you are so skinny that you've clearly lost control". I wanted someone to be blunt and somewhat cruel by saying something like "nobody admires you for this, it makes people want to avert their eyes because you look diseased". For me to be longing for someone to hurt the feelings of someone in the midst of an emotional crisis is unheard of. But it hurt me to see her turning all the gentle nudges into compliments and encouragement in her own mind. I hated it.

The book definitely wasn't properly balanced. 272 pages of disordered eating, 22 pages about recovery (the entire epilogue isn't about her recovery, so I'm only counting the pages that are). The latter was not enough. In one paragraph the 4 weeks between collapse and arriving at the Treatment Center were disposed of. The miraculous moment where, after resisting months on end of various forms of treatment and therapy, a single sentence from her girlfriend of the time changed her entire perspective on food was...pat. Easy. Confusing. I have no idea how she came to turn herself around, really, because she breezed right through it. Which means anyone reading this book with a particular loved one in mind will get no assistance on how to help them. They'll get an understanding, yes. But a way to help or a path to try? No.

Lots of editing problems. Did they even hire a copy-editor, or did they think that correcting typos was too mainstream?

Overall a good book, well-written, and definitely a window into a mindset that's hard to understand from the outside. I meant to put it down after chapter 13 and read the rest in the morning, but I ended up just staying up and finishing it. Wish there'd been more of the recovery process and the years since, instead of just a few pages that leaped over details. (less)

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Jul 08, 2012 Courtney rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have been wanting to read this book for a long time. I bought a nook this weekend, so I figured why not have that be my first e-book?
I bought it, and I could not put it down.
Now, some people don't liek to read autobiographies because they think they are boring, and indeed, some of them are.
Unbearable Lightness, however, was written beautifully. It flowed well to make it a great/fast read, and you could really tell how much of an emotional roller-coaster she was going through.
If you dont kno...more

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Mar 15, 2012 Tonile {My Cup and Chaucer} rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shared experiences are one of the greatest things about the human condition. No matter how troubled you are and how alone you feel, there is someone willing to listen, to care, to help, to remind you that you are never truly alone. Help might come in the most unlikely of places at the most unlikely time, but its existence alone is a miracle. Unbearable Lightness is a miracle for anyone suffering with self acceptance, body image or sexuality issues. At times funny, at times vividly graphic, at ti...more Shared experiences are one of the greatest things about the human condition. No matter how troubled you are and how alone you feel, there is someone willing to listen, to care, to help, to remind you that you are never truly alone. Help might come in the most unlikely of places at the most unlikely time, but its existence alone is a miracle. Unbearable Lightness is a miracle for anyone suffering with self acceptance, body image or sexuality issues. At times funny, at times vividly graphic, at times heartbreakingly sad, Portia de Rossi’s frank and unflinching account of her dual struggle with anorexia and her homosexuality provides a poignant insight into how dangerous the endless pursuit of perfection can be and, ultimately, how enriching self acceptance can be.

I was a huge fan of Ally McBeal. Though I’m sure I never quite understood the humour considering I was 9 when it started, I loved the characters (and, shamefully, the dancing baby) and I feel like it was the first show that made me excited for working in the future. The women were smart and pretty, the men were hilarious and handsome, and life seemed like one big party. Unrealistic, I now know, but at the time it gave me great hope for my future. So naturally it tore my heart to shreds reading de Rossi’s account of her time on the show and the war she was waging within herself. To us, she was just the sexy, intelligent and confident Nelle Porter. An inspiration! But the truth was an entirely different story.

Portia, born Amanda Lee Rogers in Geelong Australia, had struggled with body image since she was a child. As a young model, she placed significant pressure on herself to be thin, in order to be as successful as the older models she surrounded herself with. But her methods to achieve a tiny figure were dangerous and unhealthy, especially given her age, and her relationship with food became either one of two extremes: she was either watching her weight and consuming very little, or bingeing on food until she gained any lost weight and then some. As she grew up and set her sights on a Hollywood acting career, the pursuit of perfection only intensified as the breakthrough role on a hit TV show brought with it enhanced public scrutiny. At a time when she was viewed as one of the most desirable women on the planet, Portia would look into a mirror and despise what she saw. Her repeated reference to a pesky inch of fat that remained is something I’m sure most women can relate to, but the fact that it kept appearing despite her description of weight loss foreshadowed the danger to come. And slowly, her bulimia transformed into anorexia. At her lowest weight, Portia weighed a mere 37 kilograms. Between 60-65kg is the average (not recommended) weight of an Australian female in her mid to late 20s. Put simply, she was frighteningly skinny. She was no longer in control of herself; the disease was with her 24/7, constantly reminding her that she needed to lose more weight.

The saddest part of the story is that body image issues ravage everyone. I can draw frighteningly similar parallels from this stage of her life to my early high school years. Like so many girls, I was still chubby, still awkward, and still miserable with how my body was developing. I enviously stared at thin and pretty girls who made looking beautiful seem effortless. Her devastating reverse affirmation of “you are nothing” resembled my “you don’t deserve anything”, as it seems we both used negativity to scare ourselves into a yearning to be ‘something’. I more or less stopped eating at one stage, or at best I ate very, very little. Though nothing compared to the terrifying 300 calorie diet de Rossi eventually restricted herself to, I too had the idea that if I ate less, I’d weigh less. There is an excruciating scene inUnbearable Lightness where de Rossi’s family tell her that she’s going to die if she doesn’t gain weight, and it took me back to a conversation I had one night when my mother told me that, for my 15th birthday, I would be receiving a coffin rather than presents if I kept starving myself.

As I painfully read de Rossi’s decline into a sickly, near-death state, I cried for her. I cried for the girl I once was. I cried for girls all over the world who have fallen for the beauty myth and who tie their self-esteem and self-worth to their appearance and how well is corresponds to what society tells us is beautiful. And finally I cried as the destructive cycle was broken, when refusing to die was now an option and health was no longer sacrificed for perfection. I’m so thankful I didn’t end up where she was, 37kg and barely alive. Death was never an option. In many ways I still fall for the beauty myth and link my self-worth to how I look. The turning point I feel is best summarised by this quote, “I’d still like thighs the size of my calves, but the difference is that I’m no longer willing to compromise my health to achieve that”. I refuse to squander my talents, my intelligence and most importantly my health to conform to what someone else tells me beautiful. Unlike the preparedness and awareness of a birth, death comes quickly and without warning. I am a complex human, made up of so much more than my appearance. To die without ever having really lived might just be my greatest fear of all. But ultimately, happiness and self acceptance can come from somewhere we least expect: “I met Ellen when I was 168 pounds and she loved me. She didn’t see that I was heavy; she only saw the person inside. My two greatest fears, being fat and being gay, when realized, led to my greatest joy.”

There’s something new to learn here. I’m not necessarily a fan of celebrity writers, but de Rossi’s reflections are witty and blunt, both familiar and unfamiliar and entirely relatable all at once. This is a book that speaks to women of all ages and sexual orientations about our dreams, our fears, our nightmares, our secrets. The message of this book is clear: true self-love embraces the totality of who you are. To say Unbearable Lightness is a must-read is an understatement.(less)

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Mar 09, 2012 Louise KM rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This isn't an easy book to read. I gasped much more than I would have liked. In an interview Portia said that she didn't want to use a ghost writer but instead wanted to painfully live through every word because she wanted the story to be told from the point-of-view of the sick person. It really is like stepping inside of an eating disorder - of understanding the thought process behind her actions, the events leading up to them, and thankfully the happy ending - a stable weight, no more yo-yo di...more

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Feb 23, 2012 Lynette rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Never in my life of reading literature have I come across such a whirlwind of a book. I am not anorexic, but I know my way around mental illness and to say she was sick would be a VAST understatement. The book has a slow start but when she really begins to dive into the eating disorder it becomes a tornado of mania that was almost overwhelming to me. I think if anyone wanted to understand how deep and multifaceted a disorder can be they could turn to this book. 300 calories a day and her thinnes...more

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Feb 06, 2012 Adrienne Urbanski rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book in three days, so clearly it was a compelling (and easy) read. I enjoyed reading about the life of an actress in LA as well as the mindset of a woman battling both anorexia and her insecurity about her homosexual. This book has some depth and emotion to it, though it could have used greater reflection (in my opinion.) I also noticed that de Rossi glossed over and avoided any mention of how working with a too thin costar (who later also admitted to an eating disorder) affected he...more

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About Portia de Rossi

Portia Lee James DeGeneres, known professionally as Portia de Rossi, is an Australian actress, best known for her roles as lawyer Nelle Porter on the television series Ally McBeal and Lindsay Bluth Fünke on the sitcom Arrested Development. She also portrayed Veronica Palmer on the ABC sitcom Better Off Ted.

Portia is married to Ellen Degeneres.

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