My Horizontal Life
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My Horizontal Life

3.78 of 5 stars 3.78  ·  rating details  ·  66,620 ratings  ·  5,314 reviews
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.
Paperback, 213 pages
Published June 28th 2005 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc (first published June 6th 2004)
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Melody
I couldn't finish this book. I found it distasteful, facile and pandering. It made my skin crawl. Loathsome. I'm certainly a fan of sex in all its consensual forms, so that part didn't squick me a bit, other than it just wasn't written in a fashion that made me like any of the participants. The author blithely trotted out and proudly displayed nearly every flavor of prejudice in the first 80 pages. I'm bewildered by the apparent popularity of this collection.
Heather
I about died reading this book. Seriously, I had to put the book down several times because I was crying so hard from laughing. I am not normally the type of reader who laughs out loud at what she is reading. However, I am thankful that I was home alone for most of this book. Having witnesses would have made me appear to be some kind of whack job.

I highly recommend this book unless the following things bother you, offend you, or any other type of negative feelings ensue: sex, body parts, swearin...more
zabs
Dec 29, 2008 zabs rated it 1 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: people who think that just saying the word "vagina" or "midget" is funny
Shelves: seriously-awful
The only reason I finished reading this was because I bought it then immediately got on a plane, which is like putting yourself in book-jail.

I wasn't offended by the situations or language. I was offended because the book was seriously unfunny.
Ms Bubbles SockieP
I watch Chelsea Handler's late night show on tv and the disconnect between her professional-young-woman look and foul-mouthed retelling of her sexual expoits is quite funny and I looked forward to more of the same in the book. However, the humour lies in her drunken exploits picking up a myriad of men and then her personal insults against them, whether it be their 'size', personal habits, looks, intelligence or housekeeping ability. There are several side characters, all of whom might have been...more
Linda
Jun 10, 2008 Linda rated it 3 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: those who have had "moments"
Recommended to Linda by: Lisa
Shelves: non-fiction
As if I needed more help feeling like a nun.

Wow! Chelsea takes a no-holds barred look back at her sex-capades. There is something in this book to make everyone squirm. It fits into the same category as the movies "American Pie" or "Superbad" - and that category is: I must watch them alone so that I have absolutely no witnesses to which obscenities I find most hilarious. I want no record of what I laughed at.

This was fun to read (and quick) but I don't think it's for everyone. The virtuous girls...more
Penny
I have never considered myself prudish before - but reading these recollections and seeing how little respect Handler had for the men she encountered really depressed me. I had hoped that the book would be Fun and Liberating - The story of a confident, single woman who took charge of her sexual experiences! What a Let-Down! There were a handful of funny one-liners - but after reading this book, I found that I really didn't like the author and that her exploits left a bad taste in my mouth !!!!
Suzanne
Aug 25, 2007 Suzanne rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: Any woman who doesn't easily offend
I was embarrassed reading this book in public. I was getting a pedicure while reading parts of it and swore the pedicurist had xray vision, could see what I was reading, and subsequently thought I was a huge perv. This is supported by the crappy pedicure I recieved. Regardless, this book is hilarious. A perfect trashy beach read. I cannot fathom that parts of it were not embelished for hilarity's sake, but hilarious it was. Let this be your guilty, guilty pleasure.
Meowy
Jul 20, 2008 Meowy rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: My friends
OMG! This woman kept me laughing, page by page. I didn't want to stop reading, but I had to get to work. Thank goodness for my rides to and from work in a bus, I get to read rather than pay attention to what's going on on the road. People must've thought I was retarded when they would see me suddenly burst out laughing out loud. I got lost in Chelsea's world. I can't wait to read her other book.

You gotta know her and what she's about before reading this or you might think she's too raunchy for...more
Michael
I hope for the sake of the innocent and guilty that the names in this kiss and tell book were changed. Actually that should be more like--have sex with and tell, but that's beside the point.

Chelesa Handler's memoir of memorable one-night stands is both as racy as you'd expect and not nearly as racy as you'd like to think. Handler's humor is self-deprecating and the fact that she finds such an assortment of one-night stands is an intersting one. The book could definitely be an advertisement for A...more
Chloe
Aug 12, 2008 Chloe rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommended to Chloe by: K@
Hilarious, as always. Magnificently endowed midgets, an Adonis of a stripper known only as THUNDER, a cruise ship performer- her conquests stack up rather quickly and fortunately for the reader nearly always end in tears and/or vodka. Chelsea is always willing to skewer herself for the cause of a good joke and this book is full of them. Definitely not for the easily offended or delicately sensible.
Amy
I really liked this book. Chelsea Handler is hilarious! In this book she tells of her many misadventures with alcohol and promiscuity -they had a tendency to go together- and her crazy family and friends. The book starts with a tale about the time Chelsea's oldest sister Sloane dared her to walk in on their parents and take a picture of them having sex for five bucks and ends with Chelsea finally coming to the realization that she is a -grown ass woman- and that it's time she acted like one, che...more
Kori
Jun 23, 2008 Kori rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler fans, Laurie Notaro fans
Chelsea Handler is so freakin' funny, I can hardly stand it. I wish she would move her drunk, slutty, foul-mouthed self to to Wisconsin so that we could become best friends.
Becky Diak
Funny Funny Funny, and hopelessly wonderful. I couldn't put it down. It just kept driving me to read more of these hilariously awful experiences. How I don't know. And Honestly I'm not too sure I care. Proclaiming that she "[feels] it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone", Chelsea unabashedly hands you her life in a way that could only make the reader feel better about their own, with the wierd twist of truly wishing you had a friend like her in your life. And I love her for it.
Sherese
I picked up this book for 50 cents at my local library's weekly book sale about two weeks ago. I figured what the hell, it's 50 cents and I think Chelsea Handler is rather funny on her E! talk show. Plus, I need something light anf fluffy to read after reading two very serious books. I thought the first 121 pages of this book ( the rest of the book was okay, but not hilarious like the first half) was absolutely hilarious! I laughed out loud frequently and read excerpts of the book to my roommate...more
Greta
I am not a night owl, so I rarely catch "Chelsea Lately" on E!.... however, I am going to have to stop going to bed earlier than a senior citizen and start watching! This book is hilarious and crude (often disturbing!) but was very entertaining.
Thanks to Ingrid, who passed it on to me...who received it from her friend Rachel....
Allison
I laughed on buses and trains and in restaurants reading this hilarious confessional. It should have been embarrassing but I couldn't stop either the reading or the laughing. This won't be a one night stand for me. I love Chelsea!!
Maggie
This book would make anyone laugh out loud. Or maybe not. Just do me a favor and if you don't like it, don't tell me or I will lose all respect for you.
Libertine
As the title indicates, this book contains several anecdotes about a female libertine's one night stands. The author is a comedian by profession, and the book reads like Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum doing promiscuity.

Handler spends more time writing about her hookup disasters, the "fish" she threw back, rather than her successful encounters. This is probably because the book is classified as humor, despite it being also a memoir. Some successful scores are included, of course, written in a n...more
Meredith
In this collection of random one-night stands, Chealsea Handler is sarcastic, hilarious, intelligent and witty. Oh, yeah, she's also a slut. This book is as easy as Chelsea - to read, with each one-night stand comprising a chapter, so it's great for put-it-down/pick-it-up readers who can take either a day or a year to finish this collection of stories. Important to note - this is not erotica...the comedian writes on the humorous circumstances and events around the hookup, not the actual sex.
Becky
I read this book on the plane to Orlando and read her latest book "Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" on plane ride back. It was an easy, hilarious read. Chelsea Handler is ruthless and crass but I love her. This book is a tell all about her numerous hookups and relationships. Some of the stories make you cringe but her shamlessness is also refreshing.
Meredith
Sep 06, 2007 Meredith rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler Fans
Loved, loved, loved this book. Chelsea really does take things to the extreme and while I read the book I couldn't believe that it was a memoir. You could have read the book thinking it was fiction the things that she did were so outrageous. If you like Chelsea's humor than this is a book for you. Finished it in about a day because I loved it so much.
Beth
Jul 28, 2008 Beth rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommended to Beth by: John Porter
Shelves: memoirs
I don't like that according to Goodreads that 5 stars means the book was "amazing" because I wouldn't go as far as to say this book was amazing but it was definitely hilarious and laugh-out-loud funny. That's 5 stars in my book.
Jillyn
Dec 26, 2012 Jillyn rated it 3 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: the not easily offended
Chelsea Handler is a comedienne best known for her show, Chelsea Lately, as well as her previous books (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang). She brings her edgy, often profane and hilariously offensive sense of humor to this book, which is a collection of one night stands that she has had in her life. Ranging from men to odd fetishes, midgets, and men who can't even "rise" to the occasion, she brings a unique perspective to the life of a single woman in LA.

---

Th...more
Eva Leger
Jan 27, 2009 Eva Leger rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition Recommends it for: only people with a great sense of humor and who accept stereotyping
Recommended to Eva by: Jeannie
I really, really got a kick out of this book. If anyone was going to read a book by Handler I would definitely say to read this instead of Are You There God, It's Me Chelsea. This is especially true for anyone wanting to read her books who doesn't already know her and/or doesn't watch her t.v. show. I had never heard her or watched her before and only was interested because I heard she was pretty funny. My Horizontal Life showed her sense of humor far better in my opinion.
There are quite a few...more
Michelle (labbie)
I was really excited to read this, having heard good things. What I liked about it was that each chapter was pretty much a stand-alone story, so honestly I could pick it up for 5 or 10 minutes here and there and finish it that way, which is what I did. However, the author (to me) seemed to be trying too hard to be funny. I can't explain it- I'm not saying the stories were not true (although really I did wonder at times). I think it may have been the writing style. I much prefer Jen Lancaster's w...more
Sarah Levine
I read this book in a day or two and it's the kind of book where you will find yourself laughing out loud...on the subway. Public places. Her stories are unexpected and amusing and she tells them with a lack of emotion that plays well into her dry humor. Definitely a fun book to read if you are looking for something light.
Robin
I've learned that Chelsea is even funnier than I thought :)
Wendy
One of the funniest reads in a long time!
Kasia
Candid, shocking, hilarious, crass, sometimes gross, sarcastic and somehow still charming, that's Chelsea for you. Since I've been watching her late night show on E! for over a hear and a half now I wasn't as stunned as an average reader might be but the book was still a handful, easy to read but with many "holy moly" moments through in, some parts had me laughing so loud that I thought something would burst in my body, her comedic spirit is her own, she's not pretending to be funny, it's simply...more
Buggy
~CHELSEA'S DRUNKEN ONE NIGHT STANDS~
Chelsea isn't shy and she loves men, lots of men, Oh and top shelf vodka too (I'm not sure in which order.) In MY HORIZONTAL LIFE Chelsea chronicles her escapades with a Vegas stripper, a well endowed little person, a cruise ship performer, her landlord, her gynaecologist, a Washington politician with a coke habit, black men, Latino men, small penised men...you get the idea. She also tries to get `Dumb-Dumb' her virgin roommate some action and all hell breaks...more
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Who loves Chelsea Handler? 9 63 Jun 24, 2013 09:45AM  
One Night Stands... 22 212 Aug 24, 2012 12:43AM  
Free Book Giveaway: Free giveaway of Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands 1 8 Aug 18, 2012 09:39AM  
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Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, “Chelsea Lately,” airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m. Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, “Chelsea Lately” offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths and rumors that...more
More about Chelsea Handler...
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me Uganda Be Kidding Me My Horizontal Life::Collection of One-night Stands[Paperback,2005]

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“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.” 808 likes
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.” 495 likes
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