Must You Go?: My Life with Harold Pinter

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Must You Go?: My Life with Harold Pinter

3.46 of 5 stars 3.46 · rating details · 476 ratings · 155 reviews

A moving testament to one of the literary world's most celebrated marriages: that of the greatest playwright of our age, Harold Pinter, and the beautiful and famous prize-winning biographer Antonia Fraser.

In this exquisite memoir, Antonia Fraser recounts the life she shared with the internationally renowned dramatist. In essence, it is a love story and a marvelously insig

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Hardcover, 328 pages

Published February 1st 2010 by George Weidenfeld & Nicholson

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Nov 15, 2012 Petra X rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography-true-story

Memoir of a marriage between two people at the top of the literary game who had spouses, six children between them when they met, but cared more for each other than them. After their first meeting Pinter said to the author, "Must you go?" and the lust became an affair became marriage. 33 years of being in love, not just loving.

True love sometimes involves hurting others, when should we do our duty and when should we be true to ourselves? Antonia Fraser never addresses this or any other question...more

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Mar 24, 2011 Jenny Brown rated it 1 of 5 stars

Real Housewives of Literary London.

I have rarely been this disappointed in a book. If reading a daytimer gets you off, you'll love it. But if you want to know what people were thinking and feeling while committing adultery, leaving their 6 kids behind, and dining with the rich famous, you're out of luck.

The author gives us no insight into why she fell so in love and her behavior comes across as selfish and blind to the needs of others. She drops names without any explanation of who they might be...more

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Dec 19, 2010 Seth rated it 3 of 5 stars

I enjoyed following the ebb and flow of Harold Pinter's and Antonia Fraser's 30+ years together. Fraser has successfully and naturally documented how they dedicated their lives to sharing myriad successes, failures, joys and hardships. Fraser maintains an honesty and matter-of-factness throughout. This not only makes their love feel familiar but also humanizes the circles in which Pinter and Fraser circulate - circles populated with an extraordinary cast of political leaders, intelligentsia, aut...more

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Jan 15, 2010 Laura rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Bettie

Shelves: audio-books, memoir-biography, read-2010

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Apr 15, 2011 Bronwyn added it · review of another edition

Only 15 pages in, but already I want to devote my life (OK, well the next week) to reading this book.

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Oct 18, 2012 David rated it 4 of 5 stars

I had forgotten that Antonia Fraser had written a memoir of her life with Harold Pinter. So when I opened a present from one of our neighbours at Christmas and found "Must You Go", I was both surprised and delighted. It is actually a wonderful story of their thirty three years together. What started as an affair in 1975 became a marriage which is described as a wonderful love story until Harold's death in 2008. The book is based on Antonia's diaries, and these are quoted verbatim with occasional...more

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Sep 04, 2011 Mam rated it 3 of 5 stars

Was there ever a better, or more bittersweet title for a widow's memoir? Fraser tells us she chose her title because it was what Harold Pinter asked her as she left after their first encounter. A lovely arc.

I wanted the memoir to be as lovely as the title suggested, especially because Fraser says she complied most of the memoir from the diaries she kept throughout their long marriage. After all, this is the story of two married prominent people, one the mother of six children, who were so besott...more

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Jul 10, 2011 Kristine rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir-or-biography

Antonia Fraser, born in London in 1932, is a Brit of privilege ("Lady" Antonia Fraser); historian; successful writer in various genres (non-fiction includes The Weaker Vessel, The Warrior Queens, Marie Antoinette; detective fiction includes Quiet as a Nun and other Jemima Shore books); mother of six children by first husband Sir Hugh Fraser (b. 1918) who was an MP in The House of Commons from 1945-1984 and step-mother of one by her second husband, the 1975 Nobel Laureate/playwright and screenwr...more Antonia Fraser, born in London in 1932, is a Brit of privilege ("Lady" Antonia Fraser); historian; successful writer in various genres (non-fiction includes The Weaker Vessel, The Warrior Queens, Marie Antoinette; detective fiction includes Quiet as a Nun and other Jemima Shore books); mother of six children by first husband Sir Hugh Fraser (b. 1918) who was an MP in The House of Commons from 1945-1984 and step-mother of one by her second husband, the 1975 Nobel Laureate/playwright and screenwriter Harold Pinter; and --- diary keeper.

That diary-keeping habit has given us Must You Go?: My Life with Harold Pinter, a book that, true to the subtitle, does indeed focus on Fraser's relationship and life with Pinter, beginning when they meet, forming a near-instantaneous connection, and continuing for the roughly thirty years of an ensuing affair, eventual divorces, marriage, and compatible life together until Pinter's death in 2008 (after eight years of his declining health beginning with a diagnosis of esophageal cancer).

The diary format contained entries that seemed "filtered," surprisingly unemotional in tone and too abbreviated, which, in my opinion, did not do justice to illuminating the topic. Reading a diary conjures up delicious suspicions of secrets revealed and glimpses of self-awareness, but this book has a more clinical touch. Did either really struggle with the moral questions of so public a breaking up of two functioning families, hers with 6 children? How were those close relationships "handled" or impacted? What was it about her own life that led to such a dramatic shift? And, what appealed to her so much about Pinter? Unfortunately, the reading experience left me generally unsatisfied, although the last half or third of the book less so.

The value of the book, perhaps, would rise considerably for those who are already somewhat informed fans of Fraser/Pinter -- or, better yet, if this book were read by such fans in conjunction with a more traditional biography or memoir of either (or both). (less)

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Mar 28, 2011 Christine Rebbert rated it 4 of 5 stars

I wasn't sure at first if I was going to get through this. I know who "Lady" Antonia Fraser is; I have a lot of her books, although I don't believe I've actually read any of them. I also know who Harold Pinter is and that he was a genius, etc., etc., but never "looked into him" beyond the barest essentials. So I "knew" both people involved in this chronological telling of their lives together as culled from Fraser's journals from 1975 to 2009, but didn't have a lot of detail. At first, their get...more I wasn't sure at first if I was going to get through this. I know who "Lady" Antonia Fraser is; I have a lot of her books, although I don't believe I've actually read any of them. I also know who Harold Pinter is and that he was a genius, etc., etc., but never "looked into him" beyond the barest essentials. So I "knew" both people involved in this chronological telling of their lives together as culled from Fraser's journals from 1975 to 2009, but didn't have a lot of detail. At first, their getting together while both were still "happily married" seemed totally out of left field and irresponsible (she with 6 kids!). And the early going in the book was too much of "Today I had dinner with so-and-so" or "went to the races with some other so-and-so". But things started to get more personal and very very honest. I was already divorced once myself by 1975, so could relate to some of the stuff in that sense, and there also started to be more people I knew of and various historical happenings (they supported Obama! they knew the President of the Czech Republic before he WAS the President; back then, he was a poet), and I felt more and more like an "insider" -- maybe even a friend. And found out a lot I didn't know, like Fraser had written the biography of Marie Antoinette which inspired Sophia Coppola's film about Marie Antoinette. As to Pinter, I'd known the names of some of his plays but hadn't realized he was also a screenwriter of many movies that I WAS familiar with. In fact, I'm TIVO-ing a movie starring Jeremy Irons (a long-time fave!) based on one of his plays tonight -- "The Betrayal", which I believe is actually about Fraser and his relationship. Just a lot of things clicked with other things I'd seen or heard of lately -- like, the President of Czech Republic thing -- I'd just a week or so before watched a TV program about the importance of the Castle in Prague to the Czech people and how the people had fought to get Vaclav Havel in that castle, etc. So anyway, enough for now -- but I would recommend it if you have any interest in writers or European history or "forbidden romance" or any number of topics...(less)

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Feb 12, 2011 Fred Moramarco rated it 4 of 5 stars

Hemingway wrote somewhere that when two people are deeply in love, it is
Inevitable that their story will end in tragedy, since one will quite likely out-
live the other. I've been thinking about this recently because in the last few years I've read a handful of books by widows who were in deeply reciprocated love relationships and who write about those relationships in retrospect with great affection and a deep sense of loss. These books include Joan Didion's The Year of Living Dangerously, Sandr...more

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Jan 11, 2011 Lois rated it 5 of 5 stars

Harold Pinter was a great (Nobel Prize winning) playwright and political activist and this is a marvelous portrait of him. When he and Antonia Fraser, a fine historian and biographer, met and fell in love they had both been married for over 20 years. His wife was a famous actress and her husband was a Conservative MP. They both had children - she had SIX.
The book is based on her diary entries, and for a time I wondered about those children and became a bit weary of so many notes of socializing...more

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Nov 29, 2010 Karen rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Award winning writer Lady Antonia Frasier had “met” playwright Harold Pinter several times before they both found themselves guests at a dinner party on January 8, 1975. Lady Antonia’s life would change when, as she was leaving the party, she heard Pinter say to her “Must you go?”

These three words started their relationship and inspired the title of this book. In Must You Go? we see the relationship span over thirty years and we see them through their separate divorces. Lady Antonia, best known...more Award winning writer Lady Antonia Frasier had “met” playwright Harold Pinter several times before they both found themselves guests at a dinner party on January 8, 1975. Lady Antonia’s life would change when, as she was leaving the party, she heard Pinter say to her “Must you go?”

These three words started their relationship and inspired the title of this book. In Must You Go? we see the relationship span over thirty years and we see them through their separate divorces. Lady Antonia, best known for her Mary, Queen of Scots biography and her Jemima Shore fictional series, was married to Sir Hugh Frasier, an MP in the House of Lords. Pinter was married to actress Vivian Merchant. It was over five years before both divorces were final. Pinter and Frasier had been living together for about three years by then.

The subtitle for this book is My Life with Harold Pinter, so fittingly the diary posts begin with their meeting in 1975 and close when Pinter’s long struggle with cancer ends on Christmas Eve, 2008. Knowing that Frasier is an award winning author, I expected more. It wasn’t until I put the book down for several days and then picked it up again, that I appreciated it for what it is. It’s the bits and snags of happenings that make up our lives. There is a lot of the expected name dropping and the attending of fabulous events that one would expect from people in their circle, but that does not take away from the story of their lives. Frasier relates these people and their activities as you and I would relate going to dinner with friends, because that’s exactly what they are. Their friends just happen to be the well known and the famous in the “glitterati world” they lived in.

Frasier’s artistry with words comes to light with the minimal use of flowery prose. There’s no need to embellish their relationship. It began as the stuff of tabloid front pages, however Frasier always goes with the simple truth. She writes from the heart as well as the soul, keeping in mind that all too often everyone’s life is messy and disarranged. Theirs was out there for public consumption. She and Pinter got past the ugliness and pain.

What’s left are indeed the bits and snags, the things jotted down as a remembrance to place the happenings of a particular day or time. And we’re all the better that she did save her diary and ultimately decided to share the bits of her life with Pinter in a quiet and respectful way.

I enjoyed Frasier’s Must You Go? and do recommend it. If I gave stars, I’d give it 3 ½ out of 5.

Source: This book was provided to me by the publisher at my request and in no way affected by review. (less)

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Jan 05, 2011 Kasa Cotugno rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: genre-biography-memoir, vine, location-europe-britain-scotland

Who can resist a rollicking, passionate love story, but even more so, when the characters are vital, alive and have so many dimensions as this karmic couple. Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter are level headed, famous and accomplished, married quite happily to others, when they meet in 1975 and are immediately transfixed, experiencing an instant magnetism that blazes off the page. The words in the haunting title, "Must You Go," were actually spoken from him to her that fateful night following an o...more

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Nov 15, 2010 Yooperprof rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: britain, diaries, memoir, signed-by-the-author, theatre

It is what it is: 300 pages of good gossipy reading, about one of the most famous literary couples of the last 35 years. A brilliant playwright of the "kitchen sink school", Pinter acheived the remarkable feat of being mentioned in a great Stephen Sondheim song shortly after he turned 40. ("The Ladies Who Lunch", from "Company.") He went on to win the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2005. Fraser - born in 1932 - is a popular and admired historian and biographer, often writing about powerful women...more It is what it is: 300 pages of good gossipy reading, about one of the most famous literary couples of the last 35 years. A brilliant playwright of the "kitchen sink school", Pinter acheived the remarkable feat of being mentioned in a great Stephen Sondheim song shortly after he turned 40. ("The Ladies Who Lunch", from "Company.") He went on to win the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2005. Fraser - born in 1932 - is a popular and admired historian and biographer, often writing about powerful women and Queens who lose their heads (she is probably best known for her biographies of Mary Queen of Scots and Marie Antoinette.)

This is the story of a romance and a long relationship that began in scandal: Lady Antonia and Pinter met at a London dinner party in January 1975, at a time when they were both married with children. But "the heart has its reasons which reason cannot know," and in spite of their families and social expectations of the time, they determined to break the bonds of family and societal expectations to create a new lasting marriage of minds.

I got the feeling that these diary entries were jotted down in spare moments, not much reflected upon. She had a busy life - with six maturing children, a demanding husband, loving and active yet elderly parents - and a writing career of her own in which she was nearly always working on a lengthy manuscript. As a result, her diary is not particularly "literary" in itself, nor does Lady Antonia come across as particularly deep or reflective. The real interest lies in what the Pinters were doing at any given time, and who they were meeting.

Beware: Lady Antonia is not adverse to name-dropping! But it's true that both she and her husband were both members of what in Britain is known as "the chattering classes," - and they both had links to theatre and film as well. So its not really surprising that they were always meeting Philip Roth for lunch, Salman Rushdie was popping over for a spot of tea, Vaclav Havel was calling for advice from Prague, they were going to cast parties with John Gielgud and discussing film projects with Jeremy Irons, and Cherie Blair wanted to interview them for a BBC documentary.(less)

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Dec 09, 2010 Bookmarks Magazine rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: jan-feb-2011

This "bold, intimate, madly entertaining memoir" (Entertainment Weekly) is not so much a biography as a collection of radiant fragments detailing a life devoted to -- and lived as -- art. "There are very few grilled-cheese sandwiches eaten thoughtlessly over the sink in this account," muses the Washington Post, but there are plenty of family holidays, charity events, cricket matches, and dinners with Samuel Beckett, V. S. Naipaul, and Salman Rushdie -- too many, perhaps, for the New York Times....more

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Dec 01, 2010 Ann rated it 2 of 5 stars

Please call her "Lady" Antonia, after all, her father was an Earl. She relates that she was quite relieved when at a dinner party the host correctly sat her to his right; the rightful place for the daughter of an Earl. Did she mention she is the daughter of an Earl? No doubt a fascinating life, lived around the best and the brightest. But this person is everything wrong with the British class system. Not a mention about how leaving her six (6!) small children might have affected them. Hmmmm. Gue...more

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Jul 31, 2010 Philip rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Got an advance reading copy of this today and thought it would make a nice break from my recent reading - neither Pinter nor Fraser were high-profile celebrities when they met and left their respective spouses for each other in 1975 (and he was the more famous of the two at the time) but apparently the press had a field-day.

7/30/10: Despite the circumstances under which their relationship began, the Pinters' relationship was apparently very successful - they apparently adored each other and seld...more

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Feb 25, 2011 Leendert rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

precious precious people. started out well, but i was annoyed beyond belief by the end of it. finishing this book was a chore and perhaps a way of making sure i'll remember never to read anything about pinter again.

maybe that's a bit strong.

but really - a guy who labors for days over those sort of poems included in the memoir and can still win a nobel, albeit as a playwright, really?

the whole thing of screeching for the rights of the repressed and dispossessed, whilst living a life of luxury, d...more

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Jan 30, 2011 Ellen Herbert rated it 5 of 5 stars

Have started my reading year with what may well be one of the top books ever completely relished and enjoyed.
Antonia Fraser has long been a favorite biographer and here she documents her life with Harold Pinter drawing from her recollections and Diary that she has kept assiduously through-out her life.

Not sentimental, but heart-wrenchingly real - recounting a courtship wrought with heartache and scandal and a long, creative and fearless union lived privately and quite in the public view. Human...more

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Feb 24, 2013 Ruth Harper rated it 3 of 5 stars

I picked this up on the remainder table at Barnes and Noble. It is a bit like reading the thinking person's "People Magazine" -- or issues from the UK in the years 1975-2008. Perhaps I am saying that this book was a bit of a guilty pleasure. Writer Antonia Fraser was married, Catholic, and the mother of six children when she met playwright Harold Pinter, also married, culturally Jewish, the father of one son. Their mutual attraction initially led to scandal and eventually became marriage and a l...more

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May 06, 2011 Elizabeth Hawley rated it 4 of 5 stars

I first heard about this book on NPR and immediately put it onto my list of to-read books, so when I saw it on sale at a closing bookstore, I had to pick it up. It's based primarily on diary entries, and for the first half of the book, those entries are in bits and pieces, with more sentence fragments than complete sentences, which I admit drove me a little crazy. But the glimpse at their lives was enough to draw me in and keep me going (well, that and the fact that honestly, I never stop readin...more

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Mar 25, 2011 Pamela rated it 5 of 5 stars

In "Must You Go?," Antonia Fraser uses her diaries to tell the story of her relationship with the playwright Harold Pinter. This is not a biography of Pinter nor is it a memoir of Fraser’s life. This is all about their relationship - how they met, how they got together, and how they made their relationship work for over 30 years. It is obvious from Fraser’s diaries that they were very much in love, they respected each other’s talents, and were a support for each other. Many of the entries sound...more

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Apr 17, 2011 Judy rated it 2 of 5 stars

Antonia Fraser was a respected author, wife of a Conservative Member of Parliament, and the mother of six children and Harold Pinter was a celebrated playwright, married to a well-known actress, and father of a son when they met in 1975. They fell in love, quickly divorced their spouses, and married. Their love story lasted for 33 years until Pinter's death in 1975. This memoir of their love story is based on Fraser' diaries. While it details their activities and literary successes over their pe...more

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Feb 02, 2012 Silvio111 rated it 5 of 5 stars

A totally charming and inspiring memoir of a biographer and writer of her life with "Britain's foremost playwrite," Harold Pinter. If you think you know Pinter from his rather grim plays, you will see him from another angle by reading Fraser's diary notes and later comments about him, in which he appears as a boyant, joyous, romantic, cricket-loving, and just slightly neurotic person who "becomes so happy" when he is working on a new play, and who repeatedly tells Fraser that he is "The luckiest...more A totally charming and inspiring memoir of a biographer and writer of her life with "Britain's foremost playwrite," Harold Pinter. If you think you know Pinter from his rather grim plays, you will see him from another angle by reading Fraser's diary notes and later comments about him, in which he appears as a boyant, joyous, romantic, cricket-loving, and just slightly neurotic person who "becomes so happy" when he is working on a new play, and who repeatedly tells Fraser that he is "The luckiest man in the world."

You also get a vicarious glimpse of living among the creative A-list of Britain's 20th century society. Fraser describes an endless series of lunches, dinners, theater outings, and country weekends with a sterling list of creative people including Alan Bates, Simon Grey, Vaclav Havel, Simon Beckett, Sir Ralph Richardson, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, and Sir Laurence Olivier, just to name a few.

What I like most about Fraser is that although she came from an aristocratic if impecunious family, was married to a Tory member of Parliament, and raised six children while writing eminently respected biographies of Mary, Queen of Scots and Charles II, to listen to her day to day musings, she had such a cheerful and in fact humorous attitude toward her life.

*******************************************

Later... Just finished this book. A few tears!
I repeat what I wrote earlier--this book is irresistable. Just the fact that two people could spend 35 years together and still be so delighted with each other's company is truly a revelation. I am trying very hard to think of more than one or two couples I have ever met who can make such a claim.
I am also charmed by this vision of Pinter as someone who could not resist continuing to be creative. I suppose what inspires each person is different, and I see that quite a few other reviewers were not as enamoured of Antonia Fraser as I was. Nonetheless, I am grateful to have found this book.

One question that continues to plague me as I read through the book (more than halfway done), is that she never explains what kind of childcare help she had. She married in the 1950s, and then had six children (With Hugh Fraser, before she met Pinter), all the while researching and writing her books. How did she do that? And yet, she never mentions governesses or nannies. Of course, by the time she met Pinter, I think most of them were in boarding school. Still...

All in all, an excellent book that stimulates me to want to read (or perhaps see, Pinter's entire works.(less)

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Jan 13, 2011 Iva rated it 4 of 5 stars

Fraser's documentation of her life with Harold Pinter is the result of a diary kept since January 1975 when they met. These well-chosen excerpts are honest, never bragging about herself, in spite of her success as a writer. For example, when mentioning a lunch at Buckingham Palace, it is about the smart conversation, not that she was impressed with being at the Palace. Though she had six children with Member of Parliament Hugh Fraser, there are no photos of any of them and no mention of how they...more

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Apr 26, 2011 Nick rated it 5 of 5 stars

The perfect literary memoir. Lots of name-dropping, acid commentary, and snobbish put-downs. Delicious fun, and the occasional insight into Pinter's extraordinary oeuvre. What Fraser is best at is conveying her love for Pinter and her awe of his creative process. Although she never says so directly, it's clear that she considers herself a good writer, a professional, and Pinter something else -- a genius. It's a love story that endured for more than 3 decades, from the rocky beginnings back when...more

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Aug 08, 2010 Karen rated it 4 of 5 stars

I alternately loved and was bored by this book. First off I listened to it on my iPod which can sometimes give you a very different perspective on a book. The story is primarily told via entries in Antonia's journals, but it is like someone reading their journal to you but editing out the parts they don't want to share. It truly is her life with Harold Pinter but I found myself longing to know more about the rest of her life as well. There are reference to her 6 children but because they are spa...more

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Jan 07, 2011 False Millennium rated it 3 of 5 stars

I've read most of Antonia Fraser's biographical histories. I remember seeing photographs of her in the 1960's when she was married to Hugh, her Scottish Lord, and her six little bairns all in kilts, in London. I'd never really given much thought to Harold Pinter other than "British Playright," but she certainly presented their love affair and subsequent marriage with touching comprehension; enough that I went and looked at some Harold Pinter interviews on You Tube and can now well understand her...more

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Sep 07, 2010 Julie Mackin rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, bio-autobio, 2010-books

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.

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Jan 04, 2011 Elizabeth L. rated it 3 of 5 stars

Bought this for my mom for Christmas; someone else bought it for her, so I grabbed the non-gift copy and read it during the hols. Came away with a few realizations:

1. Fraser doth protest too much: she IS a Mitford character come to life.
2. I really need to be better acquainted with Pinter's work.
3. London is a small town if you're a literato.
4. Their love was profound, home-wrecking, poem-making, enduring, gorgeous etc. and I don't mean to diminish it in any way but it was so clearly made possib...more

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About Antonia Fraser

Lady Antonia Fraser (Pinter), CBE, is a British author of history and novels, best known as Antonia Fraser for writing biographies and detective fiction, and the second wife of Harold Pinter, the 2005 Nobel Laureate in Literature.

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* Jemima Shore

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