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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

3.69 of 5 stars 3.69  ·  rating details  ·  90 ratings  ·  20 reviews
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt ...more
ebook, 272 pages
Published May 27th 2008 by St. Martin's Press (first published 2008)
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Instead of playing the blame game, Kirshenbaum takes the productive route and helps guide people in affairs to make the decisions they need to in order to move on, whether it's with their partner, with their new partner, or with neither of them. One of the most helpful points in this book is the way guilt cripples those in affairs, clouding their judgment and making them unable to move on for fear of hurting either person they are invovled with. The book then moves on to examine all parties in t ...more
Timothy Hinkle
I picked this up for my wife to read, as it promised to guide the reader to the best of one of three choices. Unfortunately, she went off to Idaho with her lover anyway, so this book was a bit of a disappointment. I couldn't get into reading it properly (all the way through) but skimming through it yielded some good stuff. I particularly like the five things your relationship must have to survive (let's see if I remember them correctly): mutual respect; comfortable connections; physical attracti ...more
Paul Eckert
This is one of the best books I wish I never needed to read.

If you are involved in an affair, then you know it’s a confusing situation. You don’t feel like a bad person, but you’re hurting people. You can’t make sense of anything you’re feeling, and you wonder if you can even trust your feelings as they change day to day. You once seemed to have your life put together, but now you can see the fragile threads from which it hung. If this sounds like you, I highly recommend this book.

Lara Ruark
i found this book when i discovered my boyfriend was not actually ending his marriage like he had told me and had another girlfriend in another state. just so you know, this type of cheating isn't covered in the book.

this book is for a married person having an affair. this isn't a good choice for someone who is the victim of cheating. if you're still reeling from the pain, then you may want to pick another book. i was looking for a reason why, and i may never know the answer.

there was a lot of
This is a self-help book for people having affairs. Not the spouses, not another pop psychology book about why people cheat, no, it essentially asks the question, so you're having an affair. Now what? I picked this book up because I, like many people, saw the subtitle and said what, really? Really?

The book opens with an explanation of why you help these people--true, they're the ones who essentially punched their primary relationship in the face, they're the ones inflicting huge emotional damage
The title of this book cracks me up. And it’s a book club pick. So don’t read too much into the fact that I’m reading this book. We thought it would spark some good conversations at book group. The subtitle: inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships led me to believe that we might understand more about people’s motivations in having affairs. And it seems that in most of the books I’ve read lately (Tenth Circle, Beach House) so I was interested in learning more about the thought ...more
Sandra Kerr
this book is an amazing find for someone going through the unsurmountable, debilitating, depressing, guilt infested, overwhelmingly confusing feelings of having your current relationship failing in some ways and being drawn to another. Something like 75% of us are touched in some way by people who have been unfaithful in some way, shape or form in their relationships. Whether they be married, dating, seperated, etc. For those who did not -- and never had set out to purposely "screw over" the per ...more
I saw this book at the store and the cover and title intrigued me. Not unlike many others, my life has been touched by infidelity in several ways, with friends and family members. This is written in an interesting perspective--it is written expressly for someone who is in the middle of an affair. There is a section on discerning what type of affair it is (there are seventeen types) as well as sections on relationship chemistry, breaking up, moving on, etc. The author has various thinking exercis ...more
When Good People Have Affairs answers a simple question; I’m having an affair, what should I do? Step by step Kirshenbaum walks the reader through how good people make bad decisions, how to choose a lover or a partner, how to break up, and how to heal. I’ve never read a book about this but it’s so incredibly useful because it does exactly what it promises it will do (unlike a person who had an affair, but that irony is the stuff of another type of post). She outlines 17 different types of affair ...more
This is actually a pretty reasonable marriage/relationship book, and has some applicability beyond people having affairs or in relationships with some who's having an affair. I think the author gave some good recommendations on how to improve your relationships, how to evaluate your relationship, etc. There is one point that I kind of disagree with. The author recommends that if you have had an affair and managed to keep your spouse in the dark that when it's over you don't tell them the truth. ...more
Ejection Seat.
The title of this book could and should be "When Good People Want Out of Their Current Relationship"
This book has great advice for how to (and not to) break up.
1. Don't let threats of suicide if you break up, keep you trapped in a toxic relationship.
2. Don't answer the questions for reasons why.
After years of trying to patch things up, the spouse already knows the reasons for the break-up. This is not the time to discuss how to work things out; that time has long since passed.
A friend of mine gave me this book and while it was an easy and engaging read, it just didnt fit my personal situation. This book is good for someone who is in the middle of having an affair and needs to figure out what to do. It helps them understand why they might have resorted to having an affair and helps the person stop delaying, pick who they want to be with, and move on.
As the person who caught their partner having an affair, it was a bit frustrating to read. I am feeling angry, and the
Deborah Day
A very simple to understand book on a much needed topic. The author defines many different types of affairs and shares some of the reasons these affairs may be occuring. The book strives to help you understand WHY you are having the affair and if the affair is a sign to end the relationship or if it would be best to end the affair and recommit to the relationship. She also gives some good suggestions on how to end the affair. With affairs on the rampid, this is a very helpful and thought provoki ...more
Aug 12, 2008 Robin rated it 3 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: those who need this topic
Recommended to Robin by: review
Shelves: 2008-list
When I read a brief review of this title before its release, I made a note to myself to look for it when it was released. This is an interesting title and for anyone who has been involved in this situation, it should prove to be very helpful. I wish I had this book to read about 3 years ago but it didn't help clarify something that I had been thinking about so all in all, I was glad that I read it.
Intersesting read - but not quite what we expected. Would be better read by someone who is having an affair or in contemplating one!
Suzanne Bauer
Worst book in the history of books. I couldn't figure out how to give it zero stars. This book is dangerous propaganda on its best day.
Tricia Gonzales
amazing! if you've ever had an affair or been a victim of an affair then you have to read this book!
M. H.
my review is in my comments.
Pochocho88 Saavedra
OMG!!!! very relevant!!!! hahaha
research for advice giving, of course!
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Did this book help you? 1 18 Oct 12, 2008 09:45AM  
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