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Sep 16, 2008

Lena rated it:

Dr. John Gottman became famous for his work in Seattle's "Love Lab," a research apartment wired with cameras he used to observe how volunteer couples communicated with one another. Through his observations, Gottman discovered patterns of communication that correlate with lasting relationships.

Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible sty More...

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Mar 07, 2008

Dana rated it:

An excellent book that I think married and single people who would like to one day marry should read! John Gottman and Nan Silver studied marriages for over twenty years, following the same couples. They observed how the couples talked to each other...the every day chit chat, the serious conversations and even the fights. What they curiously observed is that fighting is not what breaks marriages up. In fact, fighting can be good for marriages in some ways.

What they did find is th More...

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Jun 22, 2010

Lindsay rated it:

I first read about Gottman's marriage research in Maclom Gladwell's Blink. Since I am interested in all things social science, I picked up this book at the library. The content is interesting and applicable, even if some/much of it feels common sense. The biggest downfall of the book is Gottman's egoistic prose. (He has been at the forefront of research in his field - and I would have believed him the first time he mentioned it.) More...

1 comment like (1 person liked it)

Aug 29, 2008

MCOH rated it:

We're reading this one for next month's book club. I liked that the advice was generally gender-neutral - both spouses are encouraged to avoid contempt & stone-walling, both are encouraged to be willing to be influenced by each other, and so on. Most of the ideas were common-sense ways of relating to your spouse with respect and kindness. Reading this made me feel even more grateful for my really good husband and marriage. My only criticism of the book is that I could have done without so ma More...

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Mar 13, 2009

Edward rated it:

Why is it considered normal to consult a manual and put work into maintaining a car, but not a relationship?

This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).

From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most argument More...

0 comments like (3 people liked it)

Jan 29, 2012

PhilorChelsy rated it:

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here

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Oct 28, 2011

Lacey rated it:

Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married (it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books), I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right!

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Aug 20, 2011

Cassie rated it:

When I was first married I read a number of books on strengthening marriage. In the last year, I haven't read much about marriage so it was refreshing to re-read some positive thoughts and suggestions. This book is required for a marriage course I am taking this Fall and I am thoroughly excited to greater study and put into practice some of the methods mentioned in Gottman's book. He points out that changing your communication patterns can be frustrating. It is full with good intentions, but it More...

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Jan 11, 2011

John rated it:

Back in April of this year, Dr. Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, started her remarks to a local audience of more than 100 mental health professionals by saying, “Dear fellow colleagues, you are in danger of having an affair.”

Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.

“We make More...

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Mar 12, 2010

Rachelle rated it:

I probably should rank this book higher. I think the principles are sound and obviously well researched. I imagine that everything he says in here is true. It's just not the kind of marriage book that inspires me. It is too much of "do this and don't do this" rather than providing inspiration and perspective on marriage. For example one chapter talks about chores that he does/she does and contains a list of chores that you can go through with your spouse to determine what is fair More...

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Jun 21, 2009

Mike rated it:

I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.

First, some background. Early in my own marriage I to More...

1 comment like (3 people liked it)

Mar 13, 2008

Lisa rated it:

This book was recommended to me by a pschologist, and the author was familiar from books I had read in college. I really enjoy reading these types of books- there is always something I can learn and improve upon. I would recommend this book. Ideally it would be read with your spouse and you would do the exercises in the book (neither of which I did, but wished I would have). I was ambitious and took notes for the first part of the book so I could share thoughts with my husband.

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Dec 06, 2009

Angela rated it:

I picked up this book when I read an excerpt about a long-married couple who swept all of their major problems under a rug and never discussed their relationship. I was curious to discover how they could be considered "happily married" when they broke all the rules of communication and compromise.

What I discovered through reading this book is irreconcilable differences exist in EVERY marriage, even happy ones!

Mr. Gottman shows how to live with irreconcilable More...

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Apr 16, 2009

Rachel rated it:

I had a family studies minor in undergrad and we studied some of Gottman's work on marriage in one of my classes. As I'm now getting ready to get married, I thought it would be fun to go back and take a look now that a few years have gone by and the topic is more personally applicable.

While the information in this book is invaluable and based on years of work, I wanted more of the acutal research, statistics, and facts. The pyschologist in me was disappointed that there weren't summ More...

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Jun 27, 2010

Rachel rated it:

I heard about Gottman from the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, where it talks about the science of marriage (and divorce). I was fascinated by his findings, so I wanted to read more. This book's first couple of chapters talked about that, but then the rest was more of a self-help book (which I guess makes sense, but it wasn't what I was looking for specifically). I enjoyed the whole thing and I thought the parts that were about his research were interesting. The seven principles each had a c More...

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Sep 24, 2010

John rated it:

Gottman received national prominence when he Malcolm Gladwell, at the beginning of 'Blink' told the story of Gottman's ability to (with stunning accuracy) predict within just a few minutes of meeting couples for counseling whether or not they would stay together or not.

That particular anecdote makes Gottman sound a bit kooky, but he really isn't. His book is very helpful -- both practical and filled with supporting research (as opposed to mere anecdotal evidence). I used it this su More...

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May 28, 2011

Rachel rated it:

There are some really good tips about restoring and mending a marriage that might be on the rocks, and a lot of the questionnaires have the possibility of making most couples feel like things really aren't that bad.

The only downside of this book is that some points come across with kind of a traditional, outdated, and kind of sexist viewpoint. He talks a lot about his "research" but primarily uses anecdotes to back up his points instead of actual statistics or numerical More...

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Jan 22, 2010

Sarah rated it:

I was actually kind of disappointed with this one, which was written by the University of Washington researcher who runs the Love Lab (featured in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink"). I thought it was going to be less self help-y and more research-y. But he had some interesting views. For example, he thinks that's it's a myth that happy couples agree about the Big Stuff (politics, religion, how to raise kids, etc.). He thinks it's inevitable that people will disagree, and that those who are ha More...

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Sep 15, 2011

Sophie rated it:

Those of you who know me know I am a Gottman evangelist. This book, in particular, has dramatically changed the way I conduct relationships, romantic and otherwise. Ask me about it over coffee sometime.

1 comment like (1 person liked it)

Aug 20, 2011

Katelyn rated it:

This book seems to be a counterargument for the "Men = Mars" and "Women = Venus" series. I appreciated the sensitive approach toward explaining the genders, instead of making gender binaries a priori, like most hetero relationship books.
I agree with the thesis of the book: Relationships last if they are based in deep friendship. To improve one's marriage/relationship = build trust, respect, etc. Stuff I already know but find difficult to apply. I also like that the autho More...

1 comment like

Oct 25, 2009

Karen rated it:

This book is immensely practical as a guide to what matters about how couples treat each other, and why these things matter so much.

For me, it illuminated a repeated conflict in my marriage so that I finally understood what was wrong with what I'd been doing.

Also, we both loved the phrase, "thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood" (they're a no-no, btw) and now whenever one of us seems to be sulking or nursing a grudge, the other one will ask, " More...

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Feb 25, 2011

KD rated it:

This book was recommended to me by my premarital counselor. I found it to be a painfully dull read and very clinical. I would however recommend it to a couple that fights a lot and would like to work though it as there is quite a bit of good advice for saving a marriage and recognizing when a fight is at a point where nothing will be accomplished aside from hurting someone's feelings.

If you think your relationship is rocky or of it gets really bad when you fight, I could see this as More...

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Oct 09, 2010

Bojojoti rated it:

My husband and I read this together for a class we took. Some of the best advice in the book recognized that there are certain things in a marriage relationship that can't be fixed. Instead of wasting valuable energy on those matters, acknowledge the situation and move on. For example, the husband's mother is resentful of the wife. Of course, he should not allow his mother to take hateful actions against the wife, but the wife needs to understand that the husband can't control his mother. A More...

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Apr 05, 2009

Kellie rated it:

Recommend to anyone married, or in committed relationship. I really appreciate the author's scientific research base, and his reexamination of the paradigm that a successful marriage is one in which the participants have learned to solve their conflicts peacefully. He asserts through his longitudinal research of hundreds of couples that a successful marriage is based on seven factors, the first being friendship. You'll have to read about the other six :)
This theory or factor set really m More...

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Mar 02, 2009

Kendra rated it:

My husband and I love reading marriage books - together or on our own. Over the past 4 years we have read a bunch of them, and I think that this is one of the "classics" in our mind. Initially, Jeremy had to read it for a class in his Undergraduate major. He feels that it is the best marriage book out there (without the gospel perspective). It is a scientific approach to the issue of maintaining a marriage relationship and seemed very practical in its application. We have read it More...

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Apr 06, 2011

Kami rated it:

Great book! I love the ideas for strengthening marriage. They are simple, common sense things like reconnecting every day for a few minutes to share about your day, know details about your spouses life past, present, and future dreams, and be friends. The suggestions are backed by years of research about what key factors help couple stay happily married. Very interesting. I skimmed a lot of the "activities" to do together, but found some new insight into myself and my spouse to ma More...

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May 19, 2010

Ruhegeist rated it:

Not so much a review as random thoughts....

Started with the proud (usually read as arrogant) statements usually found in a book like this but please stick with Gottman as he turns it around in the end and the statements are pretty understandable and justified by the end.

I believe that it always takes 2 to both make or break a marriage. While the fault is not always even, it still always takes 2. Gottman seems to corroborate. His exercises are not only for the indivi More...

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Jul 08, 2011

Kipahni rated it:

Never knowing anyone that has a realtionship as unique as I and my husband, I was under a little anxiety wondering "is this normal?" and "are we fighting to much- am I actively listneing ect" and all the other clique advice that run through ones mind when it comes to marriage, be it "never go to bed angry" or " always have dinner on time"

My husband is notorious for what he calls "EGYPTIAN SPICES"
Baisically these spices of life a More...

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Sep 03, 2008

Jared rated it:

My favorite quote in the whole book: “Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 261).

Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously ve More...

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Apr 25, 2008

Joy rated it:

Based on longitudinal studies (albeit sometimes with small sample sizes), this book takes a strong stance on how to help marriages stay alive. Gottman dispels some common marriage myths and reminds us of a truth we should have known all along: good marriages are based in good friendships between partners that honor and respect one another. According to Gottman, a key component to building a good marriage is learning to accept one another's influence and dreams, in order to build a shared life More...

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