The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

by Brené Brown (Goodreads Author)

4.13 of 5 stars 4.13 · rating details · 5,871 ratings · 652 reviews

"This important book is about the lifelong journey from ?What will people think?' to ?I am enough.' Brown's unique ability to blend original research with honest storytelling makes reading The Gifts of Imperfection like having a long, uplifting conversation with a very wise friend who offers compassion, wisdom, and great advice." --Harriet Lerner, New York Times best-selli...more "This important book is about the lifelong journey from ?What will people think?' to ?I am enough.' Brown's unique ability to blend original research with honest storytelling makes reading The Gifts of Imperfection like having a long, uplifting conversation with a very wise friend who offers compassion, wisdom, and great advice." --Harriet Lerner, New York Times best-selling author of The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Connection "Brené Brown courageously tackles the dark emotions that get in the way of leading a fuller life; read this book and let some of that courage rub off on you." --Daniel H. Pink, New York Times best-selling author of A Whole New Mind

"Courage, compassion, and connection: Through Brené's research, observations, and guidance, these three little words can open the door to amazing change in your life." --Ali Edwards, author of Life Artist

Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate. So most of us perform, please, and perfect, all the while thinking, What if I can't keep all of these balls in the air? Why isn't everyone else working harder and living up to my expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself?

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, Ph.D., a leading expert on shame, authenticity and belonging, shares what she's learned from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living ? a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.

In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough, And to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., is a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, where she studies how shame affects the way people live, love, parent, work, and build relationships. A dynamic public speaker, she frequently presents on the topic of shame resilience at conferences and public events. Visit her popular blog to learn more.(less)

Paperback, 138 pages

Published August 27th 2010 by Hazelden

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Jan 07, 2013 Bdalton rated it 4 of 5 stars

I read this book after watching Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. The TED talk was shown as the last exercise for a leadership class at work. The talk was intriguing and I wanted to know more. Also, I noted that many of the comments regarding this fairly brief talk were often negative. I found the talk inspiring so I wanted to see if there was any validity to the negative comments.

The question that I had in my mind was why was this shown at work? Does Brown suggest that people should be vulnera...more I read this book after watching Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. The TED talk was shown as the last exercise for a leadership class at work. The talk was intriguing and I wanted to know more. Also, I noted that many of the comments regarding this fairly brief talk were often negative. I found the talk inspiring so I wanted to see if there was any validity to the negative comments.

The question that I had in my mind was why was this shown at work? Does Brown suggest that people should be vulnerable with everyone or in a work place environment? In order to be a leader, does she believe that it is necessary to be vulnerable? Upon reading this book, I believe that Brown is asserting that it is necessary to be vulnerable, but only to those who are truly part of your support network. On page 47 of the book, she writes "Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky." She also says people with high levels of shame resilience "reach out and share their stories with people they trust." She also provides a little bit of information about her breakdown/spirtual awakening and says "During the breakdown, I needed help. I needed support and handholding and advice. Thank God! Turning to my younger brother and sisters completely shifted our family dynamics. I gained permission to fall apart and be imperfect, and they could share their strength and incredible wisdom with me." So while Brown discusses the need to be able to receive help, she specifically says that is okay to be selective, and tells us that she selected her family to be her support network when she was facing a crisis.

I was also curious how Brown defines authencity. Brown, a struggling perfectionist, defines authenticity as "the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are." Embracing who we are means accepting that we are not perfect, loving ourselves for who we are, and seeking meaningful connection. She talks about wholehearted living and says that people when overwhelmed, should DIG (Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, and stating their intentions; be Inspired to make new and different choices, and get Going. They should take action). She also talks about the idea of judging whether or not another person is authentic and comes to the conclusion that this is not a trait that people have or don't have - it is a practice of how we want to live. She doesn't bridge of the gap between others judgments of our authenticity and being truly authentic and discuss how there can be a “disconnect”.

Brown covers a lot of different topics rapidly. In her TED talk, she talks about being a researcher and a detail-oriented kind of person, so I thought that I would find more factual information. This book doesn't really have that but provides a good list of references in the back. Instead, this is a good refresher to ideas that many of us already know (and practice with a varying degree of success and persistence) - e.g., be mindful, seek connection, look for meaning, be grateful, experience joy. But, sometimes we all need an inspiring reminder to live our lives fully, and this book satisfies that need.

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Jun 19, 2012 Stephanie rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: perfectionists

Recommended to Stephanie by: Barbara Kraemer

This title was South Austin Spiritual Book Group's selection for June of 2012.

Brown is the ultimately readable social researcher and her information is immediately useful.

3 likes · like · see review

Oct 11, 2012 Patty rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012, non-fiction, women, women-writers, compassion, shame, love, inspirational, life-improvement, life-purpose, self-image, self-help, self-improvment

I am having a hard time writing this review, probably for two reasons. First of all, there is so much that I liked in this book that I know I will be reading it again. If the copy I read had been mine, I might have underlined most of the book.

The second reason that I am struggling here is that I haven't done anything with what I have learned. I have now read two books by Brown; she has pointed out some things I need to be doing for myself and I am resisting following her lead. I know that being...more

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Feb 13, 2012 Matt Evans rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Listening to this book, I felt like I was being lectured to by the kind of person who concludes her cell-phone's voicemail with the word, "namaste" -- a Hindi word that means 'peace.' Actually, 'namaste" also signifies that its user knows an exotic Asian concept-word. Learn from me, says the word 'namaste,' let me guru you. Let me guru you. That’s the simplest way to understand this book.

Gifts of Imperfection, then, is the kind of book that does two simultaneous, paradoxical things:

One. Gifts of...more

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Feb 23, 2012 Dani rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: e-books, non-fiction, freaking-amazing

Update:

This book changed my life. Dramatic as it sounds, it's true.

I wrote this on Brené's Facebook page:

"Brené,

I've just about finished your book "The Gifts of Imperfection" which I discovered after watching you speak on TED talks and I can honestly say that this book is helping me completely change my life.

I suffer(ed) from a condition called Dermatillomania (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatil...) and I've tried everything from therapists, medication and herbal supplements to help manage...more

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Jun 01, 2013 Raquel rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: may, nonfiction, self-help

A self-help book of sorts, Brown's slim book encourages readers to embrace themselves as they are and to embrace the idea that their current selves are enough. I've been struggling with this concept, which is simple to understand but difficult to live: the idea that just being who you are at any given moment is enough. Brown is a researcher by trade and went through mountains of research and thousands of interviews with people who live what she calls "a Wholehearted life"--that is, an authentic...more

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May 08, 2013 Aubrey Tate rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult-non-fiction

As with any book I read and review, my review is based on my enjoyment of a book and what I gained from it (the latter particularly with non-fiction, though it applies to fiction to) not the "quality" of writing.

This book was more of a 2.5/5.0 for me simply because I had read and learned a lot of it already, some of which I got from books she referenced. I just felt like it had been said again and again. But I think reviewing a non-fiction book can sometimes be touchy because what we get from it...more

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Apr 15, 2013 Deb rated it 5 of 5 stars

**What a gift**

If you struggle with fears of not being good enough and feeling as if you are not who you “should” be, reading Brené Brown’s _The Gifts of Imperfection_ may just be the perfect gift to give yourself.

The heart-and-soul of Brené’s approach to embracing ourselves (imperfections and all!) is the concept of wholehearted living:
“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the...more **What a gift**

If you struggle with fears of not being good enough and feeling as if you are not who you “should” be, reading Brené Brown’s _The Gifts of Imperfection_ may just be the perfect gift to give yourself.

The heart-and-soul of Brené’s approach to embracing ourselves (imperfections and all!) is the concept of wholehearted living:
“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of loving and belonging.” (p. 1)

After looking at the common obstacles that get in the way of wholehearted living (mainly not talking about our all-too-human feelings of shame, fear, and vulnerability and falling prey to the dangerous myths of perfectionism), she presents her 10 Guideposts for living a more authentic life:

1. Cultivating authenticity: Letting go of what people think
2. Cultivating self-compassion: Letting go of perfectionism
3. Cultivating a resilient spirit: Letting go of numbing and powerlessness
4. Cultivating gratitude and joy: Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
5. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: Letting go of the need for certainty
6. Cultivating creativity: Letting go of comparison
7. Cultivating play and rest: Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
8. Cultivating calmness and stillness: Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
9. Cultivating meaningful work: Letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”
10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance: Letting go of being cool and “always in control”

As a therapist helping others authentically embrace who they are (and as a human being who strives to do this daily myself), I highly recommend this book. It serves as a guide for helping us find and unwrap the ultimate gift: permission to be ourselves.

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Mar 17, 2013 Stephanie R rated it 4 of 5 stars

I actually rate this book 4 1/2 stars.

I think what Brown has to say is incredibly important. Our society is permeated by shame; it destroys our mental and physical health and sickens our ability to connect with one another. My own life has been crippled by shame that was instilled in me at birth.

Brown is very easy to relate to and her anecdotes are charming (you must see her TED talks). I am an extremely anxious person and I've read many, many self-help books. None of them have made an impressio...more

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Mar 14, 2013 Jkanz rated it 3 of 5 stars

I want to offer just a snapshot review of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (2010). Brown is a shame and authenticity researcher in Texas who was brought to my attention through a video of her TED: Houston talk where she addressed the issue, "the power of vulnerability." As I professionally and personally continue to explore the issue of shame, her work is of interest to me.

In this short volume, she introduces her readers to her research into "Wholehearted Living." Using qualitative rese...more

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Jan 08, 2013 EJ rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: psych-counseling-social-science

A little disclaimer: The title isn’t fair to this book. It gives the Illusion this is a self help book. In my opinion its more about human behavior and embracing the life you have.

After watching a Brene Brown TEDtalk I purchased her most recent book, Daring Greatly. Her authenticity or pursuit of it, is what kept my attention.

A lot of authors who write self-help oriented books frustrate me with the façade of perfection. You can just see the word “Namaste” ooze out of their pores. Their seemingly...more

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Dec 17, 2012 Betty rated it 2 of 5 stars

A couple of general points that were interesting to consider--such as setting boundaries for yourself and holding people accountable for their behaviors. This means we should address specific actions by the people in our lives, not attack who they are. We often convince ourselves that someone is hateful or deserving of our dislike when what we really have issue with is a something they've done or some way they've behaved. However by failing to establish our own boundaries (or standards) we feel...more

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Aug 29, 2012 Ed McKeogh rated it 4 of 5 stars

I've read more than my fair share of "self-help" literature, so I can assert with conviction that this is not a self-help book. Instead, it's a revelation book. Each chapter triggered numerous "ah-Ha!" moments for me, because Dr. Brown goes a step (or two, or five) beyond the common way of looking at or framing an issue to reveal the interconnectedness of elements that stall or sabotage our efforts to live a more satisfying life. Instead of the "that doesn't quite resonate" vibe I often get from...more

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Jul 26, 2012 Raven rated it 4 of 5 stars

I came to this book after watching Brown's TED talk on vulnerability and seeing this book mentioned elsewhere online. The messages of this book are so very important and they really spoke to me. The idea that we are worthy: "The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites." Some of the prerequisites she mentions are "I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds," "I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent,"...more I came to this book after watching Brown's TED talk on vulnerability and seeing this book mentioned elsewhere online. The messages of this book are so very important and they really spoke to me. The idea that we are worthy: "The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites." Some of the prerequisites she mentions are "I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds," "I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent," "I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I'm not even trying." Yes! Living an authentic life: "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of we we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are." Wow! Of speaking honestly: "We're afraid that people won't like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we're struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring." Yes, yes, yes! I see this a lot in the mommy community--all of these things, actually. She calls the goal Wholehearted Living, and I like that. When we see ourselves for who we are, when we strive because we have goals and dreams (and now because of what others will think), when we calm the storms of constant comparison and judgment, we can transform ourselves and our lives. I do wish she had gone deeper with each of her points, perhaps pointing out even more practical ways to apply her message. Overall, the writing was accessible and often humorous and I felt like this was something I really needed to read right now. I marked my copy up and plan on coming back to my notes often to remind myself to live more Wholeheartedly.

One more for the road: "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth (...) Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance (...) Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?"

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May 25, 2012 Claire rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: auto-biography, spirituality

This book is a culmination of the bulk of, surprise spiritual teacher, Brown's qualitative research into shame and what she calls wholehearted living. She outlines what her research found on what's part of living and loving wholeheartedly, from a place of worthiness. She throwbacks briefly to the importance of talking about shame (which is the central focus of I thought it was just me", and the issue of courage, compassion and connection, before outlining the ten 'guideposts' to wholeheartedness...more

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May 21, 2012 Anna rated it 3 of 5 stars

I really like Brene Brown--she gave a terrific and funny TED talk about her research concerning the importance of vulnerability, of imperfection, of failure, and so I read her book. I think her thesis is superb, her research about shame and wholeheartedness really interesting, and the message of the book necessary to modern life. But! I can't help it. I hoped for a little more "perfectionism" in the writing (and structuring! of the book as a whole) which could have used another round or two of e...more I really like Brene Brown--she gave a terrific and funny TED talk about her research concerning the importance of vulnerability, of imperfection, of failure, and so I read her book. I think her thesis is superb, her research about shame and wholeheartedness really interesting, and the message of the book necessary to modern life. But! I can't help it. I hoped for a little more "perfectionism" in the writing (and structuring! of the book as a whole) which could have used another round or two of editing. (I'm sorry, Brene! Old habits die hard.) STILL, it is an important idea and worth reading.

Two other wishes:
1. That she included us in the process of her research. I'd like to see some examples and learn better or more directly how she drew her conclusions. Call me a geek. I like the science of it, and I think it would make for a more interesting read.
2. I think she might enlarge her audience. It felt to me as though the book were written for the privileged--those employed in demanding dream jobs with financial stability and intact families. Don't those down on their luck need help with turning failure into opportunity? Not all of the book felt this way, but some of it did. I also wasn't a fan of the religious element--she seemed to enlarge the discussion for people of all faiths/no faith and then in another part return to her own. Perhaps this was not entirely bothersome as it is written from her point of view, in her voice, but these inclusions felt a little narrow and even shallow at times.

And, one last thing: I think a lot of self-help books are written for the spa set. I am not saying this book fits into that category entirely, but it feels like many do. After all, many people can't afford to scale back and are working several jobs just to buy orange juice and gas just now. (And health insurance? The cost of prescription drugs. And, good God, the student loan! And, foreclosures.) I read somewhere that the average income for a family of four is $40,000. Is that true? If it is, ! And, of course, too, many people are out of work or have work that in no way represents who they are because they have to have a job. So. ? Sometimes I think these books are a little out of touch. And, lack gratitude in fundamental ways: financial stability, a job of one's dreams. A roof over one's head. The ability to protect/feed/use preventative care/immunize etc. and educate and nurture one's children. Well. So, I have said it. And, perhaps it is unfair. It is not wrong to also think about oneself and to grow in important ways, no matter one's circumstances. But, one place that stood out to me in this text was a trip to the mall with her daughter, not having washed her hair and thrown it back with a headband I believe it was. There are some sparkling, clean women there with their children, and her daughter begins to dance to the music as they do in their kitchen at home, as a family. She decides not to allow the judgment of these women bother her and instead dances with her daughter to the music. On the surface, sort of sweet. Combatting the shame ? maybe? being messed up and dancing in public while people at least appear to think you are nuts (maybe they don't really and that is one's made-up fantasy, who knows?). BUT. I was thinking about another reader. What about the shame/vulnerability/feelings of failure or imperfection of not being able to afford a pair of shoes for one's daughter? And, apologizing to one's daughter walking by the women with shopping bags and children with new clothes? Or, not being able to go to the mall at all? Isn't it deeply fortunate to dance while shopping and return home with plenty or all one needs? hair unwashed or not? Still, I do think the central message of Brown's book is instructive and, as I said, important. But. ? I sometimes think these books lack a sense of perspective or proportion. (less)

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Feb 09, 2012 Jarkko added it

I read this book after seeing Brene Brown's TED talk about perfectionism and vulnerability which I found interesting. I hadn't ever read any "self-help" books (although the author insists this one isn't actually such a book) so I was a bit sceptic at first. It didn't help my scepticism when I noticed there were hearts printed out in the end of each chapter. But leaving that aside, I found the book useful.

Brown makes quite many points in this short book but perhaps the basic idea is that we shoul...more

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Jul 28, 2011 Lisa rated it 4 of 5 stars

Brene Brown is not the typical self help guru. "And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important that they surrender and walk into it? A. That's not me. B. I don't even hang out with people like that." When I heard Brown say this in a recent TED talk, I knew she was the struggling perfectionist I could take advice about letting go from. I find it much harder buy into life advice from someone who hasn't also completely effed it up like me....more

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May 14, 2011 Lara rated it 5 of 5 stars

You may have noticed a theme in my last couple posts. I'm rundown, overwhelmed and I realize that, while my priorities are right in my head, they aren't in reality. So the book I'm reviewing today really came at a perfect time in my own personal crisis. In fact, as I was reading along yesterday (yes, I totally procrastinated reading it due to other books taking up my precious little reading time) I thought to myself, "This book could be companion material for President Uchtdorf's talk at confere...more You may have noticed a theme in my last couple posts. I'm rundown, overwhelmed and I realize that, while my priorities are right in my head, they aren't in reality. So the book I'm reviewing today really came at a perfect time in my own personal crisis. In fact, as I was reading along yesterday (yes, I totally procrastinated reading it due to other books taking up my precious little reading time) I thought to myself, "This book could be companion material for President Uchtdorf's talk at conference!" (I'm making President Uchtdorf's talk my personal touchstone until I really get it, by the way.)(Because I really don't get it yet.)

I devoured this book, pen in hand, and marked up much more than I usually do in any book. Starting with the very first paragraph of the introduction:

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.

Seriously, I sat there staring at that paragraph for a full ten minutes as I let it sink in. How did the author know? How did she know that I equate my full plate--how much I get done in a day--to my self worth? How did she know how afraid I am to show my weaknesses (especially the weaknesses I haven't fully embraced yet)? How did she know that I often don't feel loved? Or that I don't feel like I really belong anywhere? How did she know?

And it dawned on me that maybe we all feel like this to an extent. And yet, I watch others and I am sure, absolutely sure, that they know something about living that I don't. And maybe they do...maybe they've figured out the secret that it's okay to be imperfect. But maybe they haven't.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown is a book we all need to read. I admit, that whole thing about Who I Am vs. Who I Am Supposed to Be gets me every time. I think it's a fine line between embracing things I shouldn't embrace and being okay with where I am right now. I think that I should strive to be better, and maybe Who I Am is not good enough. So, I admittedly bristled a bit at the subtitle there.

But then, like I said, I read that first paragraph, and I realized it wasn't like that at all. This is learning to let go of the unnecessary shame we carry around that says we don't measure up. It doesn't mean we can't strive to become better. In fact, I think if we can let go of the shame by embracing our imperfections, we will actually become better faster. We will become more courageous. More compassionate. More connected.

The book is divided into 10 "guideposts" that can help us let go of unhealthy traits and embrace new, healthier ones. I particularly need to re-read Guidepost #7 "Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth" and Guidepost #9 "Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and 'Supposed To'" because sitting in my inbox right now are three e-mails that I really need to reply to. And the reply needs to be "No." But you have absolutely no idea how much anxiety even the thought of telling somebody I can't do something gives me. It's absolutely ridiculous!

I had more insights into myself while reading this book than I have had in a really long time. Shameful really. But I will own my weaknesses. You'll see.

Starting right now.(less)

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Mar 10, 2011 Janette Fuller rated it 5 of 5 stars

Dr. Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means developing the courage, compassion, and connection to think; "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afra...more

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Nov 17, 2012 Jemma rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: self-help

This book didn't speak to me as much as some other self-help books have. I didn't really connect with the situations the author describes. I didn't feel like there was a lot of deep practical advice: it focuses on what the essential ingredients of "wholehearted" living are (illustrated with examples from the author's life), but I personally didn't take away a lot of new ideas about how to (or even if I need to) cultivate these ingredients in my life.

It was almost like each chapter got to the br...more

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May 11, 2012 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

I was very suspicious of this book because just flipping thru it it seemed like it was going to be really touchy-feely with nothing of real substance. I was wrong. Intriguing ideas as to why we might feel disconnected and anxious and unhappy in our daily lives. I got this from the library but I think it would be a good one to own or to check out again in a bit and reread - I think some of the ideas need some time to sink in. I could relate to Brown's use of "hustle" to describe how we do things,...more I was very suspicious of this book because just flipping thru it it seemed like it was going to be really touchy-feely with nothing of real substance. I was wrong. Intriguing ideas as to why we might feel disconnected and anxious and unhappy in our daily lives. I got this from the library but I think it would be a good one to own or to check out again in a bit and reread - I think some of the ideas need some time to sink in. I could relate to Brown's use of "hustle" to describe how we do things, say things, to make people like us or think we are "sweet" or to avoid something unpleasant even tho doing so makes something inside fade or die away.
I also think the chapter about joy and scarcity is so true and something I should read over and over. Allowing ourselves to find joy in the everyday does not mean that it will be taken away from us - we shouldn't miss out on being happy because of waiting for the shoe to drop. It's so simple and yet profound to me to really allow myself to think about these things and put them into practice.
Practical ideas and tips to bring more joy and authenticity to your life, and to start to let go of shame. Very recommended.

*... When someone is being disruptive, you really only have two choices: ignore him or take a break so that you can privately confront him about his inappropriate behavior. I was so knocked off my game by this weird experience that I did the very worst thing possible: I tried to impress him.
... Trying to co-opt or win over someone like that guy is always a mistake, because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it. And, oh man, was I hustling.*

*Author and spiritual leader Marianne Williamson says, "Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are."*

*My parents were launches on the accomplishments-and-acquisitions track, and creativity gave way to that stifling combination of fitting in and being better than, also known as comparison.*

*When we don't cultivate our talents to create meaningful work, we struggle. We feel disconnected and weighted down by feelings of emptiness, frustration, resentment, shame, disappointment, fear, and even grief.*(less)

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May 02, 2012 Megankellie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: educationalnerdoutmaterial, existentialcrisis, genderageidentity, holier-than-thou

I read this after geeking out hard because of her TED talk. I think there is a certain point in some these books where you have to have a big fold out section that says in type as big as your face: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? and also DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY? and if you say no, the last 25% of the book will disintegrate or turn into dust. The first 75% was great, relevant, filled with good thoughts and information and quotable stuff. Then she gets to the "my husband's on call a lot" and "my kids dance in th...more I read this after geeking out hard because of her TED talk. I think there is a certain point in some these books where you have to have a big fold out section that says in type as big as your face: DO YOU HAVE MONEY? and also DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY? and if you say no, the last 25% of the book will disintegrate or turn into dust. The first 75% was great, relevant, filled with good thoughts and information and quotable stuff. Then she gets to the "my husband's on call a lot" and "my kids dance in the kitchen" and "we all took a day off of work." So. There is a point in your life where this is perfect to read and makes sense and is relevant. There is another point where you feel like this is a beautiful woman complaining that her dates all go to long and the guys she meets love her too much and sometimes her chauffeur gets places too quickly. This is only the last 25%. Still. I cannot relate to it and maybe felt shamed? Who knows. Me. But whatever. I guess part of it is that the beginning is so universal, that you feel like the end is universal too, so if you don't relate to the end, you were kidding yourself about relating to the beginning you disgusting fatbag. Get injections OF SOMETHING.

Also, I guess I'd like to hear the thoughts you have to fight to, say, dance with your kid in the kitchen, which I guess to me is comically bragging about a perfect family. Because I'm interested in what she has to conquer to do those things, and in the beginning I think it is clear what she's fighting.

Also I think it is admirable not to eviscerate your family, but I guess it is weird to read a book so balanced about feeling insane and then is is all just flat positive about her husband and her children, who have to be annoying sometimes or she's leaving out "they are robots."

Also the whole notion of "I couldn't have made it without my husband" kind of says to me "you can't make it" and also slips into "aww, someone chose you!" A, yes you could have made it. It would have been horrible and awful and maybe you'd have to have a degree of government assistance you were not banking on, I would guess. B, the whole idea that romantic partners are never annoying is a kind of pretend jail. My husband Terry and I talk about this all the time while he tidies up and I donate to charity.

Here are titles I would like to find:
"Am I a Dickhead?" Solving the Essential Question With the Only True Answer: "A Little Bit, But It's Okay."
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Apr 09, 2013 Kate rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: again, library-books, work

So awhile ago I was pretty unforgiving about a book that was going to give me the key to happiness. After reading this book I know why Gretchin Ruben's book sucked so much for me. It was glib, trite and in no way the real world that I live in.

I adore Brene' Brown from the first time I watched her on the TEDx you tube thing to now. She is real and flawed and fun and so so right. I have been searching for the link that makes sense of what I do and the people I work with, Brene has provided me wit...more

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Feb 04, 2012 Megan rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: People who like self help books

Recommended to Megan by: Heather Brown

Shelves: bookgroup

I didn't LOVE this book. I generally don't love self-help books, and I felt like this introduced a multitude of vague principles without the anecdotes I was craving to understand the principles better.
The section on "authenticity" did speak to me, although I'd define it differently than she does. Her definition makes it sound a bit more like "speaking the truth even when it's not easy, convenient or when it's painful to someone else."
For me, being authentic is more about not putting up false wa...more

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Feb 27, 2011 Froztwolf rated it 3 of 5 stars

It is quite unfortunate how much the author seems to be stuck in the write style appropriate to blogs, because this book is horribly structured. Each of the chapters tackles a huge subject in a few pages. They have only a marginal connection to one another and there is no flow throughout the book, often leaving the reader confused.

I say this is unfortunate not just because I spent my time reading the book, but because it contains a lot of good information based on the authors research. It conta...more

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Jun 14, 2013 Angie rated it 1 of 5 stars

I tip my hat to my friend who offered to host this self help book. I don't think myself as bold as she. My low rating is not because I thought the book was awful, because it wasn't. In fact it's full of specified information for those who are seeking what the author has to offer from her personal experience. My rating is due to the book not being applicable to me at this particular moment in my life. She asks, how do I dig deep? It's called a half a gallon of raspberry sherbet and a really long...more

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May 31, 2012 Tyler Clemons rated it 5 of 5 stars

I downloaded this book to my Kindle after being blown away by Brene Brown's TED Talk "The Power of Vulnerability" (see it here - Well worth your time in its own right, and an excellent preview of the ideas expounded upon in the book).

For such a short little book, Brown's undertaking is ambitious: she seeks no less than to give concrete definitions to such overused but ill-understood words as "love," "belonging," "shame," "vulnerability," and "creativity" and to determine the ways in which such...more

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Mar 03, 2013 Ann Lewis rated it 1 of 5 stars

I had to mark this as read to get if off my list. Actually I had to abort the read. Just could not relate to a word of it at all. I feel like this author is speaking a different language. I have a hard time believing anybody really CARES that much about what others think about them. It's amazing to me. A Whole book telling you it's OK if you're not who someone wants you to be?? I feel like saying "GET A LIFE!"
I also Really had trouble with the writing. This author reminds us on almost every sing...more

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Aug 31, 2011 Kate Ditzler rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: own, spirituality-and-theology, self-help, mental-health

This book is going to be reread soon, practically immediately. What makes this book fascinating is that it puts concepts into dyads -- x is what you want to cultivate, and y is what is keeping you from it. For example, Authenticity is something you want to cultivate, but What Other People Think is what keeps you from it.

Brené Brown is a qualitative researcher who studies shame, fear, and vulnerability. In the course of her research, she discovered two lists: a list of things that people who liv...more

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About Brené Brown

Dr. Brené Brown is a writer, researcher, and educator. She is a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work where she has spent the past ten years studying connection - specifically authenticity, belonging, and shame, and the affect these powerful emotions have on the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.

Dr. Brown teaches graduate...more

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Books by Brené Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths and Building Connection

The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, & Courage

Men, Women & Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough

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“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” — 253 people liked it

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.(page 49)” — 109 people liked it

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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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