When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

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When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

4.29 of 5 stars 4.29 · rating details · 9,252 ratings · 698 reviews

The beautiful practicality of her teaching has made Pema Chödrön one of the most beloved of contemporary American spiritual authors among Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike. A collection of talks she gave between 1987 and 1994, the book is a treasury of wisdom for going on living when we are overcome by pain and difficulties. Chödrön discusses:

• Using painful emotions to c...more

Paperback, 160 pages

Published September 26th 2000 by Shambhala (first published December 24th 1996)

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Sep 13, 2008 Kristy rated it 5 of 5 stars

I read this book over and over again. I LOVE her and her simple, straightforward way of talking about really deep spirituality. What initially attracted me to this book is kind of a funny story actually, I was going through a rough breakup and happened to be wandering through the stacks at the ICPL. I pulled this book off the shelf, just by chance.

So she begins the book by telling the story of how her marriage ended, when her husband drove up to their house one day and announced that he had met...more

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Jan 14, 2008 Kermit rated it 5 of 5 stars

My therapist recommended this book when I was dealing with the end of my 11-yr relationship. She introduced it to me saying that often, when things seems the darkest, it just means we on the verge of breakthrough. I was like "OK, that makes some sense." Then it sat on my book shelf for 8 YEARS! Then my roommate Anya read it and told me it was a MUST READ. So I did. Wow! No, really ... WOW!

I have never heard Buddhist philosophy laid out so clearly and accessibly for the Western mind. And you don'...more

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Apr 23, 2013 David Peirce rated it 5 of 5 stars

Pema Chodron is one of the first Buddhist writers I found as I began to explore Buddhist philosophy, along with Tara Brach and Thich Nhat Hanh. These are writers who understand the disconnection of Western culture.

She writes and talks primarily about dealing with both the subtle undercurrent of fear and the rushes of fear from turbulent events that we all face in life from a Tibetan Buddhist perspective. This is my favorite book by her of the 4 or 5 that I own, and I've read it at least 10 time...more Pema Chodron is one of the first Buddhist writers I found as I began to explore Buddhist philosophy, along with Tara Brach and Thich Nhat Hanh. These are writers who understand the disconnection of Western culture.

She writes and talks primarily about dealing with both the subtle undercurrent of fear and the rushes of fear from turbulent events that we all face in life from a Tibetan Buddhist perspective. This is my favorite book by her of the 4 or 5 that I own, and I've read it at least 10 times in the past 4 years.

I could pick any number of quotes from the book to summarize its purpose and premise. Here's one: "To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again."

Pema teaches about dealing with the ups and downs of life. The Buddhist perspective on this is to face them and let them be as they are. Through 22 short chapters, Pema eloquently progresses from laying out the problem, which is that shit happens and we squirm, to teaching that the solution is to let everything be as it is to teaching several techniques for doing that. It's a true discipline to not reach for entertainment, distraction, or medication and to just let things be.

She writes: "As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity."

In another chapter, she writes: "Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."(less)

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Oct 08, 2012 Cult rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites

Quite possibly the most impacting book I have ever read in my life. I picked this up when I thought things were going wonderfully. I had no idea how much more there was in life. "As I become more wholehearted in my journey of gentle honesty, it comes as quite a shock to realize how much I've blinded myself to some of the ways I've caused harm. My style has been so ingrained that I've not heard when others have tried to tell me, either kindly or rudely that I am causing harm by the way I am or th...more

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Jan 27, 2008 Maya rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Ben, but really everyone, but esp people who want to relax.

First, I would love to be writing tons of really private notes to myself and then have them all exposed by some internet accident. That would be crazy.

I've now had the lovely experience of reading this book when feeling like things were falling apart and then reading it again when it felt like things were pretty normal. Both times were good. Pema Chodron has a crystal clear writing style, concise and beautiful. Her writing is a pleasure to read and I almost feel honored to get to read it.

I almo...more

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Jun 05, 2007 Julie C rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: anyone ready to transform his/her perspective

this book was a refreshing look at how we deal with the not-so-good things in life, and what tools we have within ourselves to help navigate those times. one of the most important things i came to understand is that things like sadness, anger, frustration, feelings of instability, etc. are not inherently bad things. rather, they are challenging. they can present themselves as obstacles. but in reality, they are incredible teachers within our own personal experience that help us to grow. sometime...more

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Mar 15, 2008 Leslie is currently reading it

This is one of those great keepers you read, reread and then loan to friends in times of need. Though I was baptized an Episcopaelian, I appreciate the philosophy and spirituality of most religions. This I first read after my mom was killed before Christmas the year I got my B.A., when I devoured everything from Thich Nhat Hanh to Mother Teresa to Gandhi and the Bible and even Dr. Phil. The great message is remembering that we need to learn to live with this sort of groundlessness, when the worl...more

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Jan 03, 2008 Miv rated it 5 of 5 stars

I first read this book nearly 10 years ago when I was going through a difficult, painful divorce. This book set me on a path of healing that has continued to the present day. I have recently gone through an even more devastating loss - the death of my daughter - and I went back to this book, and found its gentle wisdom helped me go through my grief and find my sanity. I recommend this book to anyone going through loss, or, for that matter, for anyone going through LIFE, since we will all inevita...more

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May 30, 2012 Paul Ivanov rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction, borrowed

This was my first Buddhist-related read for a decade, now, and I was able to reflect on how large chunks of my overall attitude toward life was shaped by the few sources I read back then. Reading this now not only helped that sink in, but also provided much needed advice for difficult times, as advertised by the subtitle.

Useful read. It was recommended by and borrowed from my therapist (reading some reviews, I see at least one other person who got the same recommendation from his). I did not car...more

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May 21, 2012 Sienna rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2012, kindle

This is the sort of book that enters your life precisely when you need it, when you're living the title and not much else. Or, more precisely, this is the sort of book you don't pick up until you need it — when your husband hands you his copy, your mother extols the virtues of the author and your best friend nods sagely from the other side of the world because if there's no wisdom in love, where are you going to find it? Take another look.

There's so much to admire in Buddhism, and so little, I'v...more This is the sort of book that enters your life precisely when you need it, when you're living the title and not much else. Or, more precisely, this is the sort of book you don't pick up until you need it — when your husband hands you his copy, your mother extols the virtues of the author and your best friend nods sagely from the other side of the world because if there's no wisdom in love, where are you going to find it? Take another look.

There's so much to admire in Buddhism, and so little, I've always thought, of Buddhism in me. I have no desire to be without desire, to embrace suffering or settle for hopelessness — and I know that statement reflects a lack of understanding, but I am too close to hope right now to set it aside. Still, Pema Chödrön writes so elegantly and eloquently about pain, grief and anger that it's nigh impossible to read her words without being changed by them: last night I dreamt a nightmare and turned toward the fear instead of running away from it. On the surface, nothing happened. Whatever had frightened me became an inky fog that enveloped a suddenly-much-less-worried dream-self and, eventually, became these words.

When Things Fall Apart contains twenty-two chapters that will ask a lot of you. You'll need to approach them with honesty, openness, patience and gentleness. You'll have to be willing to hold a mirror up to yourself and not only accept what it shows you, but love that reflection. It's easy to read these brief meditations in moments of stillness and sense the rightness they contain; much more challenging is the act of practicing in the midst of despair or joy or distraction. But practice is exactly what they demand, and what we need. Neither indulging obsessive thoughts that aren't doing anyone any good, least of all those of us nurturing them, nor suppressing uncomfortable feelings that we might deal with later, if by "later" we mean "never." What good will never do if we fail to experience now, which is always available to us?(less)

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Apr 21, 2012 Ron rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

I was just finishing this book in September 2001 when the events of 9-11 turned the world upside down, and things truly fell apart. There suddenly were all the vulnerable feelings that Pema Chödrön encourages us to embrace: fear, sorrow, loneliness, groundlessness. And in the days of shock and grief that followed, there was that brief and abundant display of "maitri," or loving kindness, which emerged in waves of generosity and compassion for one another. For a while, we were in the world that s...more I was just finishing this book in September 2001 when the events of 9-11 turned the world upside down, and things truly fell apart. There suddenly were all the vulnerable feelings that Pema Chödrön encourages us to embrace: fear, sorrow, loneliness, groundlessness. And in the days of shock and grief that followed, there was that brief and abundant display of "maitri," or loving kindness, which emerged in waves of generosity and compassion for one another. For a while, we were in the world that she points to as an alternative to the everyday routine of getting, spending, and constant activity.

It is nearly impossible to summarize or characterize this fine book. In some 150 pages it covers more than a person could hope to absorb in many years, if not a lifetime. We may know the Buddha's famous insight that human pain and suffering result from desire and aversion. But few writers have been able to articulate as well as Chödrön the implications of that insight in ways that make sense to the Western mind. As just one example from this book, her discussion of the "six kinds of loneliness" (chap. 9) illustrates how our desires to achieve intimacy with others are an attempt to run away from a deep experience of ourselves. Our continuing efforts to establish security for ourselves are a denial of fundamental truths, which prevents our deep experience of the joy of living. Our reluctance to love ourselves and others shrivels our hearts.

Chödrön invites us to be fascinated, as she is, by paradox. On hopelessness and death (chap. 7) she writes: "If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path." She gets us to acknowledge our restlessness (even our spiritual restlessness) for what it is, something we do instead of simply paying attention to ourselves in the moment and to what happens next, without judgment or preconceptions.

In addition to this book, I recommend acquiring one or more of her audio tapes and hearing her voice as she speaks before audiences. For all the high-mindedness that may come across in descriptions like the one above, or what you might take away by reading the cover of her book, Chödrön is down to earth and unpretentious, speaking in her American accent (don't let the appearance of her name fool you) and with a self-effacing sense of humor. Her message is in her manner, as much as it is in what she says.

This is a book to buy and read, and reread at intervals, for it is always new, always speaking to you exactly where you are, right now. (less)

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Apr 04, 2012 Nita Costello rated it 5 of 5 stars

It was divine intervention that I found & read this book. I had just hurriedly packed a trailer full of stuff & moved out of my house. I was in a bad place. I lost my job. My marriage was a huge disaster. And at age 30, I had to move in with my parents along with my son, 12. I was so wrecked, I often went into the bathroom to cry. I didn't want my son to see me in this state. Broken. I stayed in a depression for months. Seeing this, my mom suggested we go to Half Price Books to get out o...more

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Dec 29, 2011 Clara rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is my second time through this book, and I found it even more thought-provoking than I did the first time. I suspect I could keep reading it regularly and feel the same way. It's my favorite of Pema Chodron's books to date. Throughout, she takes Buddhist teachings from a removed, intellectual spherel to the level of our everyday lives. She makes it nearly impossible for us to abstract the teachings and thus keep our distance. "Craving, for example," is no longer an abstract notion of contin...more This is my second time through this book, and I found it even more thought-provoking than I did the first time. I suspect I could keep reading it regularly and feel the same way. It's my favorite of Pema Chodron's books to date. Throughout, she takes Buddhist teachings from a removed, intellectual spherel to the level of our everyday lives. She makes it nearly impossible for us to abstract the teachings and thus keep our distance. "Craving, for example," is no longer an abstract notion of continually reaching for pleasure or material things (something which, we assure ourselves, we don't do. Other people, maybe, but not us); instead, craving is the many ways in which we attach to our need to be right, to our refusal to consider any narrative other than the one we've told ourselves is "right;" "aversion" becomes our compulsion to escape from uncomfortable feelings, not just through the traditional "bad" choices of say, drugs, but by regularly shutting off this restless energy by picking up a book, or going for a run. In other words, if we're taking her words to heart, she makes it nearly impossible for us to tell ourselves that what we're reading applies only to other people. It's hard not to see our own patterns and ways of being. And, after all, isn't that what good books doe, whether fiction or nonfiction: reveal us to ourselves?

She calls us on our commitment to practice as long as things are going well, but to give up when "things fall apart." She keeps reminding us that it's in the difficult spots that we have the greatest opportunity to learn and grow. "What is threatening to the ego is liberating to the soul." This, it seems to me, is one tough practice, but I can see its rewards.

As is usually the case with Chodron's books--or workshops, etc.--there's a fair amount of repetition. I've stopped thinking that this is a weakness in the books. For material such as this, which is simple, but in no way easy, repetition is invaluable. We often need to hear things in a variety of ways before it sinks in, and I welcome the reminders. Also, I don't suggest reading the book in one sitting, but instead reading at most a chapter a time and taking some time to stop and reflect throughout.(less)

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Aug 20, 2011 Nobies57 rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is not the type of book you just read. It's a study of Buddhist philosophy and a shifting of how one perceives the inherent struggles that make up life. Chondron's anecdotes are helpful, and her exercises worked for me. I am not a meditator per say, but I do look for inner peace particularly while walking, and have practiced the breathing exercises as mentioned in this book. Here is what I remember and take away with me from this reading:
Pain and suffering are a part of life and it is our c...more

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Mar 23, 2011 Barb rated it 4 of 5 stars

When I read the title WHEN THINGS FALL APART it sounded like the book would give advice and steps to follow in order to handle life when a loved one dies, when you discover you have cancer, or when you are faced with a divorce, etc. It does that, at least to some extent, but it mostly gives words of wisdom for use in our daily lives. In short, in order to handle the difficult times, you must prepare by meditating, and indeed, by changing you life today and every day hereafter.

I found some words...more When I read the title WHEN THINGS FALL APART it sounded like the book would give advice and steps to follow in order to handle life when a loved one dies, when you discover you have cancer, or when you are faced with a divorce, etc. It does that, at least to some extent, but it mostly gives words of wisdom for use in our daily lives. In short, in order to handle the difficult times, you must prepare by meditating, and indeed, by changing you life today and every day hereafter.

I found some words to live by that are offered in this book. They are inspiring and true. However, a better explanation and literary presentation can be found in the Holy Bible (Christian). Other than the parallels I found to the Bible, most of the philosophy and advice seemed to me to come down to the root idea of non-aggression and accepting everything that happens. It seemed to say to me that one should just “give up”. Life itself seems to contradict that philosophy.

One pearl of wisdom I found that should be shared with as many as possible is that “it’s not the goal that’s important, it’s the journey”. We are always in such a hurry to achieve our goal that we almost always miss the important things we see, hear and learn on the journey to get there. It is the journey that changes us, not the goal. Another very important lesson I take from this book is that we need to stop running away from what we fear. We need to turn around and run directly towards the object of our fear. Most times it turns out not to be monster we thought or, if it is, it actually turns and runs from us. And even if it is the great monster, isn’t it better to get the ultimate over with now than to spend all our days living in terror?

Buddhism, as revealed in this book, seems to be directed toward helping humans to explore themselves. The problem is, we already know ourselves pretty well and what we know is that we all come up short. Unfortunately, all the self-improvement in the world, this world, won’t help in the world to come. It seems from this text that Buddhists don’t believe in any life after this one so they see no need to prepare for it. All the work, study, and meditation that is directed to helping perfect a body, character, and mental state that will never be perfect in this life. The time could be so much better spent in communication with our Maker and coming to terms with His plan for our short time upon this planet.

The author had me agreeing in some places and disagreeing in others, however, she seems to have given a pretty good basis for how Buddhism trains individuals to deal with hard times. There were times I was confused by some of the terminology and some explanations, but the fault was likely mine and not that of the author.

This will be a good book for anyone studying Buddhist meditation and their ways of dealing with stressful times. The author’s presentation of techniques is quite good. For the average person who knows little about Buddhism, this book may be too big a bite for a first encounter. A second reading of the book might be in order. I know that’s what I plan to do.
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Mar 02, 2011 Reja Janaki Joy Green rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is a very gentle guide for every one of us. We need not wait until we experience problems in holding everything together before we benefit from this wisdom. Just being alive in a body and breathing qualifies us! The authoe tells us that she is merely passing on the teachings of Trungpa Rinpoche, telling us: "May these teachings take root and flourish for the benefit of all sentient beings now and in the future."

I just now opened the book up at random and noticed what I had underlined:...more

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Oct 23, 2010 Walter rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is an amazing book! I was vaguely familiar with the author due to my interest in Buddhist wisdom and happened to pick this volume up thinking that it could be a guide during a challenging time of transition in my life. It turns out that it's a piercingly insightful guide to all of one's life experience, equally instructive in blissful times as well as challenging ones.

Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun who's affiliated with Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia (which is apparently the first Tibetan Buddh...more

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May 02, 2010 Splendy rated it 4 of 5 stars

I read this book because I saw it on Catrina's GoodReads list (and because my life had recently fallen apart). I’d been looking for an introductory book on Buddhism for a while, so “When Things Fall Apart” seemed like a good place to scratch the surface during just the right difficult time.

The book largely focuses on the practice and benefits of meditation, and while I’m interested in the discipline, I do not practice it. So for most of the book, I felt like a nervous window shopper hoping to av...more I read this book because I saw it on Catrina's GoodReads list (and because my life had recently fallen apart). I’d been looking for an introductory book on Buddhism for a while, so “When Things Fall Apart” seemed like a good place to scratch the surface during just the right difficult time.

The book largely focuses on the practice and benefits of meditation, and while I’m interested in the discipline, I do not practice it. So for most of the book, I felt like a nervous window shopper hoping to avoid contact with the salesman returning from his lunch break. Hard-selling aside, I enjoyed reading “When Things Fall Apart” because of the many nuggets of simple wisdom.

Chödrön is taking the bull by the horns and encouraging all of us to do the same in order to reach a place of peace. The message is clear: stop trying to make everything in life secure and predictable again. Sooner or later, you’re going to lose control. She thinks we’re killing the moment by trying to control it, and the more I thought about this, the more I had to agree. When I’m traveling, I’m very conscious of the unexpected and allowing surprises –both good and bad—to shape the trip into a unique experience. The best moments are those that are serendipitous. To live fully, you have to stop trying to attain perfection or hold on to what you have, because it’s unrealistic, even dangerous, to always feel “together.” Protecting yourself from pain is just “building a prison around you.” When things fall apart and your house of cards topples, you’re left with a clear table. You can start over. Build something new. Sure it sounds a little U of Hard Knocks to just say “Life Sucks, DEAL,” but to accept that life sometimes really sucks and to move on and focus on the positive is a lot better than wasting your time and energy struggling against the inevitable or wallowing in suffering.

Where Chödrön loses me is with some of the advice that feels a little too hippy-dippy mumbo-jumbo when I need more concrete, relevant wisdom. For example, “Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong happened, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, can you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart?” I really wanted to nod by head in agreement, or suddenly throw my book down, leap up from my chair and up scream “YES!,” but the real meaning of these words is lost on me. Is the limitless space of the human heart some kind of euphemism or metaphor? Is this psycho-babble?

It’s a quick read, so the little clumsy spots were easily skimmed and the remainder of the book was worth absorbing. I’m not running out to sign up for a meditation class tomorrow, but I feel better about coping with emotions and this book definitely helped.

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Dec 26, 2009 Anf rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: spiritual, personal-development

I was first introduced to Pema Chödrön's work when I was on the road, traveling from Toronto to Vancouver via Recreational Vehicle with five other travelers. It was a trip full of lessons but I'll save that story for another time.

Recently I was dealing with the challenges of letting go, an attachment. I'm still working through it. So it was timely that I came upon this work and weeks after placing it on hold at my local library I finally got a hold of it. It is well written and I like how Chödr...more

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Sep 05, 2009 Amanda rated it 4 of 5 stars

Chodron is an American Buddhist nun and is apparently a prolific writer. Going through some difficult times now, this book called to me from the Border's book shelf.

I'm going to admit that I started off reading this book thinking "What the hell are you talking about?" Leaning into the sharp points, facing your demons, embracing suffering - all sounds well and good but HOW do you do it? Buddhism is all abut guidelines and rarely ever says "Here is how you do this"

The more I read, though, the more...more

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Jun 16, 2009 Catherine rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2009, spirit

I'm not sure I fully understood everything Chödrön had to say in this book - at the very least I need time to digest the ideas. At its most basic level, there's much I admire and appreciate here: the idea of loving-kindness; of viewing the self (and others) with compassion; of abdicating our obsession with the future; of pausing in difficult moments; of welcoming feelings, no matter their type, rather than running away or trying to distract ourselves with whatever is at hand. What I need to pars...more

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Apr 13, 2009 Mary Overton added it

Self-Help for those trying to transcend Self. The ultimate in ironic advice. By not striving, we strive to discover the "bodhichitta" within, a Sanskrit word that means "noble or awakened heart." (86) Such an awakened heart can become a servant of peace. "The word 'bodhisattva' refers to those who have committed themselves to the path of compassion." (98)
"Underneath our ordinary lives, underneath all the talking we do, all the moving we do, all the thoughts in our minds, there's a fundamental gr...more

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Mar 03, 2013 Michelle Covey rated it 3 of 5 stars

"If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path." Ok....that makes sense. Pain and insecurities can not be avoided. The rest of Chapter 8 - Hopelessness and Death goes on to tell us pretty much not to have hope in anything. That nothing in this world will ever bring us security and that if we go on doing things with any hope, especially the hope of se...more

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Aug 20, 2012 Taymara Jagmohan rated it 2 of 5 stars

I know these things already.
Patience. Love. Kindness.

We should all try to carve these in the etchings of life, but how is it possible?

Sometimes, we run so quickly up the LADDERS of success, and forget about the jubilation.
We pass the joys. We pass the life, and we wound up having death in life. We never really understand. Maybe the only reason I read is to gain maturity. Maybe I need to really figure the little connections of my soul, and set it on fire. What if it burns to dusts, and I die wi...more

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May 18, 2009 Helynne rated it 3 of 5 stars

Pema Chodron is a wife and mother-turned Buddhist nun. (I didn't even know there were Buddhist nuns!) Her book is filled with interesting and useful advice such as connecting ourselves to the suffering of ourselves and others, overcoming our fear of suffering, awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, "no matter how cruel or cold we might seem to be" (93) She describes a fairly well-known meditation technique: "If we know a person who is being hurt, we breath in with the wish to t...more

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Mar 24, 2009 Julia rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: religious-possibly-new-age

Oh, Pema. The trick to what she writes about is that it is so easy to understand intellectually, and so incredibly challenging to know emotionally, much less to actually pull off in the mess of day-to-day living. But that's the point, really: to keep trying. To let things be messy (and there's good messy and bad messy) and be in the messiness and know that the messiness isn't what we're supposed to escape from to our real lives, the messiness IS our real lives. Which we're constantly trying to r...more

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Jan 11, 2013 David rated it 5 of 5 stars

For me this book simply came into my life at the right time. I'm certain that someone could read this book and get nothing out of it. In many ways I'm reminded of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" when I read this book. Both books contain the same essential point and overall message. However, one is much longer and complex than the other. I've listened to and read "The Power of Now" probably 20 times or more over the last few years. I still dig through the material of that book and unearthing n...more For me this book simply came into my life at the right time. I'm certain that someone could read this book and get nothing out of it. In many ways I'm reminded of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" when I read this book. Both books contain the same essential point and overall message. However, one is much longer and complex than the other. I've listened to and read "The Power of Now" probably 20 times or more over the last few years. I still dig through the material of that book and unearthing new gold.

But, this book definitely has made an impact on the way I view conflicts and anger and negativity in my life. I finally feel like I've been given the next step along the path to my own enlightenment and the unburdening of my mind. What seemed like a mystery and a secret of how to let go was revealed early on in this book. My own negativity and the reasons for my anger and selfishness were revealed, as well. I also found a lot of comfort in finally realizing I can accept my own poor choices and causing suffering in others by accepting the circular pain that my own negative actions cause for me. I feel angry, I act out, I feel guilty, and then ultimately depressed. Then I want to avoid the feelings of guilt I feel. And being angry is something that scares me and makes me even more upset when it arises. I feel like I have this burning ember that is continually on my flesh, hurting and sizzling me. I feel trapped, and then that ultimately makes me angry, as well. Thus the cycle continues in a downward spiral, sometimes slower, sometimes much faster as I feel overwhelmed by so much negativity. I don't want to face my anger and my ill feelings. This book has taught me to look directly at those feelings.

There's so much more that was taught to me, so much so that I'm left with one essential feeling: I don't know. That's the truth for me. I don't know anymore. I'm not right or wrong. I'm not sure I exist in the same way I did before I read the book. I know the way I thought things were before I read this book were completely the opposite of true reality. I know that I've lived a life stuck in the illusion of samsara and believing it to be the true, despite evidence that was given to me to the contrary before this. I'm still left with the problem of dealing with those people who seem to be stuck in the same way I was stuck before. But, truthfully I'm not stuck in the same way. And, I don't feel like I ever will be stuck in quite the same way. Bad things will happen. People will upset me. I will be triggered. But, I will never believe the 8 worldly dharmas hold any power for me. I will never see the 4 maras again as something that will hold much reality for me. I will still be subject to all of the things represented by these concepts. But, I will never be stuck again, totally. I'm aware now in a way I was not aware before. That's all I can say. I don't know what that means and I don't know what's left for me if those things are totally illusion. Pain and pleasure are simply illusion, and intrinsically part of one another? I am left with a kind of odd joy at knowing that when I feel pain, it's inherently part of the pleasure I feel later on. And vice versa.

All I know is that I'm finally giggling when I think of things and talking to myself in silly voices again. I haven't done that in a long time. In fact, I haven't really acted this way since the woman I've loved more than anyone in the world told me she never wanted to see or hear from me again a year ago. I'm still hurt by that fact. But, not in the same way at all. I see why she would feel that way, and I actually accept and welcome the pain I've felt from her decision. That pain and the resulting grief is probably the best gift anyone ever gave me. In a way she showed me the ultimate act of love by not accepting my negative behavior and cutting all contact from me to show me how serious the problem had become. I didn't understand or feel that way at the time. After reading this book, I understand. I understand, and I giggle to ever think that I thought any differently than I do today. And I'm left with true love for her, and release. I look forward to the next relationship I will have with someone. I have grown immensely from this experience.

This book was a candle in a dark place for me. As I walked toward the candle, I came to realize a beauty in the flame that I had never seen before and never appreciated. I feel joy again. I feel good. I feel good, despite feeling so much loss and pain. In fact, I feel good because I feel that loss. It means I'm paying attention. I'm present in a way I wasn't before reading this book. Now, I can work on meditating and truly being present. Which will be something to keep practicing.

I'm not sure this is the best review of this book, but it's all I got right now!! (less)

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Mar 31, 2013 Dona rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is full of wisdom to revisit again and again. Chodron: "There's a slogan in the Mahayana teachings that says, 'Drive all blames into oneself.'The essence of this slogan is, 'When it hurts so bad, it's because I am hanging on so tight.' It's not saying that we should beat ourselves up. It's not advocating martyrdom. What it implies is that pain comes from holding so tightly to having it our own way and that one of the main exits we take when we find ourselves uncomfortable, when we find...more

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Dec 17, 2010 Erin rated it 5 of 5 stars

I finally understood more about Buddhist teaching through this book. She is very good at explaining these techniques/philosophies/truths to the Western mind.

There was definitely a period of reading this where I felt annoyed by the "coldness" of it all and soon after she mentioned that this "emptiness" ideal isn't meant to be a cold, isolated approach but yet a very warm one. Once she articulated all of that I was able to better understand and definitely relate more to the whole idea.

I think the...more

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Dec 30, 2011 Melissa rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: religion, non-fiction

With everything that's happened in my life this year, my mom found this book and thought it would be a good read for me. And indeed, the title was very very fitting, however, actually applying what is in this book could prove to be very difficult.

Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist and as such, this book is mainly about Buddhism and its practices. And maybe its just because I know barely anything about Buddhism, but I found this to be a very high level book. She talks about using dharmas, lonel...more With everything that's happened in my life this year, my mom found this book and thought it would be a good read for me. And indeed, the title was very very fitting, however, actually applying what is in this book could prove to be very difficult.

Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist and as such, this book is mainly about Buddhism and its practices. And maybe its just because I know barely anything about Buddhism, but I found this to be a very high level book. She talks about using dharmas, loneliness, meditation and other ways of looking at the world. The prevailing theme is that things that make us uncomfortable should be examined instead of ignored. We shouldn't be scared of loneliness, despair, and loss but rather should examine them and accept them. She offers tips for how to do this and shares stories about the ways other people have found to live this way. And she odes warn that it is a struggle.

As said before I found this book to be very high level. In fact, I really didn't understand most of what she was talking about. Which I wasn't prepared for from the cover and the back cover description. It seemed like something that would be more for everyone. But I would highly recommend someone knowing a little something about Buddhism and its terms before reading this book. Otherwise, they may be just as lost as I was. That's not to say I didn't understand everything though. There were a few passages that spoke to me and that I could relate to. In particular, she talks about how we as humans build sandcastles and guard them jealously, even though in the end we know they'll be swept away by the sea and we're ok with that. She says that kind of nonattachment is healthy and something we should strive for. And that makes sense.

I also was quite fond of a quote found in there. "Honesty without kindness, humor, and goodheartedness can be just mean." This really spoke to me because in my last relationship, all the nasty things that were said to me by him were excused by him as just being "brutally honest." But is it good to be honest when the only outcome is to hurt someone? I don't think so, and I like Chodron's theory that honesty involves incorporating kindness as well. It is not noble to always tell the truth with no thought of the consequences. I'm in no way advocating lying, but there is a way to tell the truth with compassion. And one person's truth is not always anothers.

Definitely not the book I thought it was going to be, and I think if I had been educated further on Buddhism I would have enjoyed it a lot more. As such, there was just too much that was really only geared towards practitioners of Buddhism and hard to understand for the rest of us. But there are some valuable lessons to take away from this book even without that knowledge.

When Things Fall Apart
Copyright 1997
146 pages

Review by M. Reynard 2011

More of my reviews can be found at www.ifithaswords.blogspot.com (less)

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About Pema Chödrön

Ani Pema Chödrön (Deirdre Blomfield-Brown) is an American Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition, closely associated with the Kagyu school and the Shambhala lineage.

She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three g...more

More about Pema Chödrön...

Books by Pema Chödrön

The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World

Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion

Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears

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“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” — 200 people liked it

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” — 185 people liked it

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