Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live

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Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live

4.05 of 5 stars 4.05 · rating details · 1,825 ratings · 159 reviews

“Explorers depend on the North Star when there are no other landmarks in sight. The same relationship exists between you and your right life, the ultimate realization of your potential for happiness. I believe that a knowledge of that perfect life sits inside you just as the North Star sits in its unaltering spot.”

Martha Beck has helped hundreds of clients find their own N...more

Paperback, 400 pages

Published January 29th 2002 by Three Rivers Press (first published 1997)

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Aug 06, 2007 Kimberly Calderon rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: ANYONE!

Shelves: booksthathaveinspiredme

This book is amazing!

I started reading this book because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happier in my life. This book offers simple exercises and steps to figure out your best direction. There's nothing earth shattering in here, but the way Martha Beck has written the book makes the information very easy to digest and use.

A few months after I first read this book I was hospitalized with a life-threatening condition and that, combined with the soul searching I'd done in connection with read...more

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May 13, 2011 Nancy Schober rated it 3 of 5 stars

I bought this book a few years ago and scanned it at the time. For some reason I knew then wasn't the right time. Someone mentioned it so I picked it up again.[return][return]Here are some of my favorite passages:[return][return]...when you relax the thinking mind, the rule-bound, anxiety-ridden social self, you are not simply stopping everything. Taoists believe that there is an immense benevolent force flowing through all reality, and that each of us� at least our essences� are part of that fo...more I bought this book a few years ago and scanned it at the time. For some reason I knew then wasn't the right time. Someone mentioned it so I picked it up again.[return][return]Here are some of my favorite passages:[return][return]...when you relax the thinking mind, the rule-bound, anxiety-ridden social self, you are not simply stopping everything. Taoists believe that there is an immense benevolent force flowing through all reality, and that each of us� at least our essences� are part of that force. Once you� re aligned with this force (The Tao, or � Way� ), you� re like a surfer on the perfect wave; you move forward with tremendous, power, but the only thing you have to do is go up when the water goes up, and down when the water goes down.[return][return]This may be my favorite all time quote:[return][return]Babies show up knowing the truth: Each of them is an utterly lovable, beautiful creature, with a unique mission in life and all the equipment necessary to fulfill that mission. If the people around them support and nourish their essential selves, their social selves never have to disengage from this reality to serve the social group. This can be true for anyone, even people who appear to have a lot going against them.[return][return][return]We talk about what people will think, well who ARE those people?[return][return][return]The social self will turn virtually anybody into a generalized other, given two conditions: exposure and repetition. This is how you got the Everybody you have today. At some point, you were exposed to conditions and people that sent a powerful message about you. Then this message was repeated over and over and over. Sometimes the repetition came from outside the self:& Whether or not this happened, at some point your own social self took on the job of repeating insults and discouragement.[return][return]& I say that just because your broken arm isn� t as serious as someone else� s gut wound, that doesn� t mean your injury isn� t excruciating or doesn� t require attention. If you want to help the Indian children, or make the world a better place in any other way, you have start by becoming whole yourself.[return][return]People have a much harder time understanding your actions when you go back to school at forty-three because your mind is starving,[return][return]As long as a treat is scarce and forbidden, you� re going to feel compulsive and greedy about it.[return](less)

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Apr 13, 2013 Hope rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm not finished with "Finding Your Own North Star" yet, but I hadn't intended to even start on it before I finished some other reading, anyway! Picking it up, I skimmed a little and found myself completely engrossed. I've read some of Beck's O and Oprah.com columns and found them interesting, but this book is far better than I'd imagined it would be. If you're interested in this subject, go get yourself a copy. Really!

For one thing, Beck is specific and practical about life changes--these aren...more I'm not finished with "Finding Your Own North Star" yet, but I hadn't intended to even start on it before I finished some other reading, anyway! Picking it up, I skimmed a little and found myself completely engrossed. I've read some of Beck's O and Oprah.com columns and found them interesting, but this book is far better than I'd imagined it would be. If you're interested in this subject, go get yourself a copy. Really!

For one thing, Beck is specific and practical about life changes--these aren't all rich, celebrity examples of people who followed their dreams, like you might have seen in other 'life-changer' books. Two, Beck is incredibly funny and charming as a narrator; a type-A perfectionist who finally realized that, gee, maybe being sick and miserable all the time in her academic job was a sign she should find a different job. But that took her some effort, because she had to combat what she calls the social self (the one who obeys rules and cares about what everybody thinks) in favor of the essential self, which is the unique side of our personalities, to find her present career. As she says, "In college, I became a Chinese major, not because I liked it but because I'd heard it was really, really hard. My social self was convinced that if I could conquer this subject, I would win the Intellectual Olympics. My essential self, which had been locked in a very cold, very small dungeon near the basement of my soul, hated being a Chinese major. I had to work like a maniac just to become a mediocre student, memorizing thousands of those impossibly intricate little characters, forgetting them with almost magical rapidity. I still think the Chinese have a secret phonetic alphabet, one my professors spitefully decided to keep hidden from me. I pictured them assigning another couple hundred characters for me to memorize, then locking their office doors and shrieking with laughter until they got the hiccups and had to lie down." She's that funny.

Three, this book has exercises you can do actively; she includes quizzes to help you distinguish your essential self from your social self, identify your workplace anxieties, and recognize who is a supportive friend, to name just a few. I tend to pull muscles in my neck whenever I'm working on something that drives me up a wall and, oh my goodness, the chapter on 'somatic' (i.e., physical) manifestations of stress is so spot on ("How Holly Got Her Bod Back") that I think my neck might have whispered, 'Girl, you are SO Holly," as I was reading. Uh-huh. (less)

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Jun 17, 2009 Zach A. rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book pleasantly surprised me. It was recommended on http://www.escapefromcubiclenation.com, one of the blogs I like, but I was afraid it was going to be formless and non-specific. To the contrary, Ms. Beck is highly pragmatic and the book is focused on concrete steps you can take to make real changes in your life and try to ensure they are the right changes for you.

Also, Martha blew me away with her intelligence and wit on every page.

I have to deduct one star because I get the feeling that...more

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Nov 05, 2010 Bonnie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This is actually a lecture on CD. I enjoyed listening to it, but I think I need to listen again to get the full benefit. She likens change in our lives to the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. Rather than gradually growing wings and changing shape while in the cocoon, the caterpillar actually dissolves into "bug soup" before reforming into a butterfly. I have felt like that during major transitions in my life, completely dissolved, neither a caterpillar nor a butterfly, neither h...more

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May 18, 2013 Jessica rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: home-love, nonfiction

I have this book 2 stars because I started out liking it, and I did make it 240 pages in. It was after the chapter on trusting your intuition that I stopped- I'm all for learning to trust my gut, but a bunch of how-tos on how to get in touch with my psychic side evidentially wasn't what I was in the mood for.

I really want to find my passion in life. But I don't think I'm going to search and search and then realize "oh, duh, I've been woodworking all along- THAT'S my passion that I should turn in...more

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Dec 10, 2007 Brian rated it 3 of 5 stars

Pretty insightful self-diagnosis book, full of useful if not slightly basic exercises designed to get one thinking about personal hang-ups (for lack of a more precise term). It's all about what's holding you back, or more accurately, why you're holding yourself back. I'd give it 4 stars, but I had a hard time focusing on myself for 400+ pages, so I graded it 3 stars.

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Jul 27, 2012 Kate McDowell rated it 5 of 5 stars

So much of my work, as a teacher, is helping people to locate that drive inside of them that will lead them to their dreams. Sometimes people know for sure they want to work with children, and other times it's a more mysterious process of exploration. I'm glad to recommend this book for those times when there's a sense that more is possible but uncertainty about what, exactly, that possibility might mean. This is also a good book to revisit for those youth services librarians who have been worki...more

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Oct 18, 2010 Sharon rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: mental-health, spirituality

Sociologist and life coach Martha Beck, PhD, presents some fascinating information on finding out your life purpose.

Beck's premise is that our "social self," the face we present to the world, that does the things Everybody (some generalized other) tells us to do in order to succeed, takes us too far away from our "essential self," the one that knows what things really make us shine from within.

Recognizing that self-improvement is hard work, and can bring up some painful issues, Beck talks about...more

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Jul 31, 2008 Marisa rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not much of a self-help person... but i saw Martha Beck on Oprah and decided to read her book. This book gave me the courage to quit my awful job. Martha Beck also writes in a really relatable, funny way.

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Aug 26, 2008 Jen rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is inspiring, funny, and overall has been wonderful for me. Great for those that are somewhat restless or unhappy with their current path and wondering about their life's direction.

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Dec 30, 2012 Kelly Fisher rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm a mature 21 yr old, California Licensed Hair Stylist that reads this book like every time I have a hard situation I cannot do alone. This book is very useful in Life situations to work these situations out in life itself. Helping people to live the reality of life instead the lie of the enemy of fantasies. It's step-by-step exercises that help you get through what you're going through. Getting help doesn't mean your mean or stupid. Getting help means your strong enough to face your problems...more

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Mar 19, 2009 Diane rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Finding Your Own North Star, by Martha Beck has also been on my book shelf for a few years now. An insightful book with some thought-provoking exercises, designed to help you to explore your inner thoughts for true happiness. The goal of this book seems to be to help the reader to recognize their internal desires, and to leave behind boredom and discontent, heal old emotional wounds and to gain a whole new appreciation and zest for life, i.e.: "Finding Your Own North Star, and Leading the Life...more

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Jan 29, 2012 April rated it 3 of 5 stars

The title made me worry the book was going to be a little silly, but it turned out to be pretty useful.

This was the first book I've read on the subject of personal development that gave sufficient attention to the stage of floundering while discovering yourself. The author encourages you to do whatever you desire ("just keep doing what feels most joyful")--spend all day watching Mary Tyler Moore, go get candy, etc, and eventually you'll find your way. She also says it's ok if during the transiti...more

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Nov 14, 2011 Bebe Burnside rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book really helped solidify how to know what it is you are supposed to do. Martha Beck gives some great exercises on how to listen to your self deep down to figure out what is right for you. Many books give you ideas and theories of finding happiness, this book helps you to really sit down and think about how to learn to listen to yourself. I recommend this book to anyone who is trying to figure out what they should do with their life. This book won't answer that question...it will give you...more

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Dec 15, 2009 Helynne rated it 5 of 5 stars

I really like self-help books in general, and I have gleaned at least a small amount of wisdom and useful advice from every one I have read. I think Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life Your were Meant to Live merits all five stars I am giving it because of its straightforward, honest, and usable advice and its sheer readability. I always enjoy Martha Beck—her books and her monthly column in O magazine. Beck is wise, funny and has a no-holds-barred writing style that rea...more I really like self-help books in general, and I have gleaned at least a small amount of wisdom and useful advice from every one I have read. I think Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life Your were Meant to Live merits all five stars I am giving it because of its straightforward, honest, and usable advice and its sheer readability. I always enjoy Martha Beck—her books and her monthly column in O magazine. Beck is wise, funny and has a no-holds-barred writing style that really speaks to me. She has been through enough major lifestyle upheavals herself for her readers to see first-hand that it is possible to go through tumultuous times, and not only to land on one’s feet, but also to recognize and chart a new course for optimal satisfaction, inner peace and happiness. “Identifying your own North Star is a deep psychological and spiritual art,” Beck says. “Actually getting there is more like following a recipe: Find the following ingredients, put them together in this order, heat them to this temperature wait of this length of time, and so on” (307) Her narrative contains numerous case histories of individuals whom she has known who have found their own true path after many different kinds of snafus and wrong turns. In typical Beck style, she also includes a lot of charts and exercises for readers to follow to be able to tune in to one’s essential self, interests and intended direction. I especially liked her concept of asking the personnel of companies, schools, etc., if you can sit down for “short information interviews” as a way of scouting out new jobs and careers. “. . . . .informational interviewing is one of the best ways to make folks want to hire you, befriend, you or move in with you. It’s way more effective than asking for these things directly” (311). Beck’s last four chapters lead reads through a “map of change” involving four squares. Square 1 (Chapter 12) examples Death and Rebirth with its mantra: “I don’t’ know what the hell is going on and that’s okay (278). Square 2: (Chapter 13) Dreaming and Scheming; mantra: “There are no rules, and that’s okay” (296). Square 3: (Chapter 14): The Hero’s Saga; mantra: “This is much worse than I expected and that’s okay: (332); and Square 4: (Chapter 15) The Promised Land; mantra;”Everything is changing and that’s okay” (362). In short, Beck assures us that chaos is a normal and even desirable part of meaningful change in life, and only those who can brave the craziness for awhile see themselves through to one’s true and rewarding path. She also advises us all to become an encyclopedia and a whirlwind of information while we are each researching the path we truly wish to take (312). She warns, “When your plan begins to operate the way God intended, you’ll go through a period of working harder than ever” (335). But she also assures that that regular “play breaks” are essential along the plan. “Playing improves your creativity and problem-solving skills, minimizes burnout, and maintains high-level performance” (337). This is a book to enjoy, highlight, mark up, and return to numerous times as we each seek a more rewarding path.(less)

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Jun 25, 2009 Judith rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: professional-development, encouragement

I am starting to learn more about my essential self (it's slowly coming out from my social self!)

This is a GREAT book! I really like her approach in discovering yourself. You have two selves: the essential self (who you really are inside) and the social self (who society expect you to be). As we grow older our social self becomes so dominant, that we need to do a lot of "surgery" to find our essential self.
I liked the last third of the book, where she discusses the change cycle. Change follows...more

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Jan 05, 2009 Zinta rated it 5 of 5 stars

Martha Beck - life coach and monthly columnist for "O: Oprah Magazine" - adores turtles. The turtle, after all, embodies much to be admired: a hard shell on the outside, to protect itself from the bumps and bruises of manuevering through life; a very soft and vulnerable inside beneath the resistant carapace; lacking in speed but has a plodding persistence that wins over the hare every time; and, while protecting its head when at rest, is required to stick its neck out in order to move forward. T...more Martha Beck - life coach and monthly columnist for "O: Oprah Magazine" - adores turtles. The turtle, after all, embodies much to be admired: a hard shell on the outside, to protect itself from the bumps and bruises of manuevering through life; a very soft and vulnerable inside beneath the resistant carapace; lacking in speed but has a plodding persistence that wins over the hare every time; and, while protecting its head when at rest, is required to stick its neck out in order to move forward. The turtle is a role model for living successful lives.

Moving ahead in life, turtle-style, is an excellent way to reach our North Stars. In an easy-to-absorb and enjoyable, often humorous style, Beck explains how so many of us get lost and fail to achieve our most cherished dreams. We are a division of two selves requiring balance: the essential self - our core being that is guided mostly by uninhibited instinct combined with an inner voice of wisdom - with the social self - the part of us that has learned how to play nice with others, function in a diverse society, and, alas, all too often wear masks to hide our core selves.

Beck does not advocate turning to one or other self exclusively, both essential and social selves are necessary, but rather finding the healthy balance. Too much essential self and we become irresponsible members of a civilized society. Too much social self, and we lose touch with our core, wearing our masks so long that we forget our own true faces.

Beck illustrates how our physical bodies often are first to let us know that we have veered off the path. A persistent unhappiness is our first clue. Sometimes our grief is more internalized, less obvious, and so signs of illness, fatigue, boredom, apathy, chronic irritability, all point to a need to check our internal maps. People behaving badly are not so much mean and evil, she says, as in pain. And pain of any kind is a clear signal that we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing, that we have lost touch with our essential, core selves.

In fifteen chapters, the author gives guidance and examples, quizzes and questions, sound advice and clear illustration. Whether the issue is a relationship gone sour or a career gone dull (and one issue often goes hand in hand with another), her common sense guidelines encourage the reader to get back on track again. Change, she acknowledges, is uncomfortable. But life IS change, and it is in fact change that keeps us young and vital, much as flexing a muscle keeps it strong. No one gets through without encountering their share of obstacles and hurdles and tests. It is the testing that makes us into heroes and gives us the tools and know-how we need to go on.

"A willingness to make mistakes and recover from them is absolutely essential," she writes. As is doing a "terrible job" if it is on the path to learning and growth. To sustain oneself through the rough spots, her advice is to keep oneself in the positive, avoid the negative, and that includes the company one keeps (find people who support and encourage you), the kind of recreation one chooses (don't watch a violent movie and expect to feel positive about yourself or others), and how one treats others (don't just take the support, offer it in return to those who are worthy).

We all manifest our own destinies. Whether we finally reach our personal North Star or not, it is entirely up to each and every one of us. Those of us who are eternal pessimists and live in a mire of negativity will always hone in like magnets on failure and disappointment. Those of us who maintain our North Star focus throughout the expected trials and tribulations of normal living, will claim what we were meant to have: our dreams. Turtles are created to cross the finish line. (less)

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Apr 10, 2010 Jenny Wells rated it 4 of 5 stars

While not for everyone, especially my friends with more religious sensibilities (I didn't make it to the psychic chapter), I still found the book confirming, practical, and helpful in discerning the color within the outlines of circumstances, relationships, and themes all our lives hold. I found the chapter about defining who "everyone" is and what "everyone" thinks about me as in, "Everyone expects me to be more strict with my kids," especially helpful in defining where I am being driven by fea...more

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Aug 10, 2012 Jennifer rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is both inspirational and helpful. I love the stories that Martha Beck weaves in from her own counseling business. She has a great sense of humor, which is helpful when reading a self-help book. Let's not take ourselves too seriously! The exercises are insightful and fun. If you are looking for your path, spiritual inspiration, or yourself - this book is a treat. I felt very self-indulgant while reading this book and look forward to reading it again!

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Jun 10, 2013 Tammy B rated it 4 of 5 stars

It has been a few years since I read this book but I conquered it in small steps. I found it difficult (for myself) going through the exercises at times and just being completely honest with myself in the answers. I usually feel some type of "personal growth" after tackling a self-help book and this was true with this. I think perhaps I could re-read it now and find something useful. Martha Beck is a life coach for a good reason.

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Mar 30, 2010 Cath Duncan rated it 5 of 5 stars

Martha has to be one of my favorite authors. She's witty and has incredible depth, and the exercises in this book will really shift your thinking!

I particularly loved:
- Her model of the Essential Self and the Social Self, and how we can manage those parts of ourselves and get them working together, to create the life we want
- Her ideas on how to use your body and emotions to tap into your true self/ essential self.
- Her model of the psychological phases we go through when we're going though chan...more

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Sep 15, 2012 Raina Casarez rated it 5 of 5 stars

Why did I wait so long to start reading Martha? Guess I just wasn't ready. Her writing is amazing and intimate. It's like I know Martha; she's my BFF totally. In fact, we are so much alike and her book just confirms it.

Packed full of inspiring actions and stimulating science, you will totally want to add this to your bookshelf. I'm definitely going to purchase it when I get my Kindle.

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Apr 29, 2011 Roxann rated it 4 of 5 stars

Fantastic book. Read it maybe back in '03. I was quite lost and a bit paralyzed emotionally. Shook me out of the rut I was in and got me breathing and living again. She has lots of great client examples/stories, exercises, and questionnaires. But what I enjoyed most - what kept me reading and opening up - was her warmth and wit. She's so dead on. It feels like she knows you.

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May 06, 2013 Jason rated it 2 of 5 stars

For better or worse, my life has gotten to a place where I'm reading books like this.

This book seems more useful for people like the author, whose lives bounce them from catalytic crisis to catalytic crisis. Less obviously useful for an aimless slow-burner like me.

The book also leaves repeated bitter and sour tastes with its emphasis on getting rich (via a bootstrappy Reaganomic approach no less), blind faith in chain-letters and ESP, complete lack of non-anecdotal sources/substantiation, and...more

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Aug 05, 2011 Noreen rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'm so glad I finally read this book! It's been sitting on my shelf for several years. I was already familiar with the concepts of the essential self versus social self, as well as using your body compass because of my work with my life coach. I also had a rough knowledge of the cycle of change, but I found Martha's detailed explanations and suggested exercises for dealing with each phase of change extremely helpful -- and comforting -- and I plan on going back to certain ones to do them. Even t...more

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Mar 30, 2009 Patty rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2009, creativity, non-fiction, women-writers, life-coaching, life-improvement, personal-growth, life-purpose

I was right in my decision to purchase this title. I knew if I used the library's copy, I would not do the exercises. And with this book there is no point in reading it without using the tests. The point of this is to work through the ideas for yourself.

Several years ago, I read Beck's book Expecting Adam. I found Beck to be a fascinating woman - too type A for me, but really articulate.

This book is very different from her memoir, but Beck's personality shines through this book. She is very posi...more

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Oct 09, 2012 Kris rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites

**Update** I will have this book at hand always. It is like my bible right now. Although I have finished it, I am not going back and re-reading sections as my journey continues. I have a feeling that I will be using this book with/for other people in some capacity for a long time. Whether I become a life coach, or remain in the field of HR, or even just as a friend...this book will be on the tip of my tongue when people talk to me about their lives.

I'm about 1/2 way through this book, and altho...more

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Mar 19, 2012 Claudia rated it 4 of 5 stars

I found this book inspiring, funny, and full of a lot of wisdom. Some of it got a little weird for me, but that's okay. I really got the spirit of this book. It was inspirational to me during a time of great upheaval in my career and it helped me realize that I was in the wrong career for me at that time. Also love her humorous style in it.

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May 01, 2011 Stefanie rated it 4 of 5 stars

If Mary Roach or Sara Vowel wrote self-help it would read like this. Funny, furiously fast read filled with anecdotes both personal and professional. The main thesis: our inner voice is often in conflict with our socialized public voice. Learn to recognize each voice and not live in a war against your personal ethic.

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About Martha N. Beck

Martha Beck is a writer and "life coach" who specializes in helping people design satisfying and meaningful life experiences. She holds a bachelor's degree in East Asian Studies and master's and Ph.D. degrees in sociology, all from Harvard University.

She worked as a research associate at Harvard Business School, studying career paths and life-course changes in today's economic and social environme...more

More about Martha N. Beck...

Books by Martha N. Beck

Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic

Leaving the Saints: How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith

Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life, No Matter What!

The Joy Diet: 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life

Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your True Nature to Create the Life You Want

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