Making Children Mind without Losing Yours

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Making Children Mind without Losing Yours

by Kevin Leman

3.94 · rating details · 407 ratings · 95 reviews

Raising children these days can be daunting. But if anyone understands why children behave the way they do, it's Dr. Kevin Leman. Equipping parents with seven principles of Reality Discipline--a loving no-nonsense parenting approach that really works--this internationally known psychologist, author, and father of five shows parents how to- understand why children misbehave...more

Paperback, 270 pages

Published February 1st 2005 by Fleming H. Revell Company (first published 1983)

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Mar 20, 2009

Emily rated it

Recommends it for: Parents

Shelves: parenting-marriage

This book describes the way I want to parent. It takes you through "authoritarian" vs. "permissive" parents and the pitfalls. The author takes you through what he terms "reality discipline" about making logical consequences based on reality. He's really into holding children accountable, letting them make some decisions, and letting reality of life be the teacher (Think-teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves). He also talks about letting yo...more

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Oct 20, 2011

Heather Choate rated it

Honestly, an answer to my prayers. I hate it when people profess that a book changed their life. It's a book. But, I've struggled so much with discipline with my four children (all under 5 years of age)that I was really needing solutions. Out of the slush pile of parenting advice books, this is the first one where I felt, this guy actually gets what it's like to be a parent!

His techniques are simple to understand, but not always easy to do. I've implement many of his teachings...more

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Apr 02, 2011

Kameron rated it

Shelves: biblical-parenting

While there are some good points in this book and I agree with the reality discipline approach, there were so many things I did NOT agree with and that went against my mother's heart....I couldn't list this as one of the best parenting books I've read. His continual reference to kids as "little buzzards", his insistence that moms and dads need time away from their children - date nights as soon as a week after a new baby is born, Moms Day Out stuff each week, etc...wrong. Letting chi...more

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Apr 12, 2010

Rachel rated it

Excerpt from front page:
" Dr. Leman's action-oriented method puts you back in command. He shows you:
*how children learn
*how to be the authority in your home without being authoritarian
*why reward and punishment no longer work
*why-and how-reality discipline does"

The Seven Principles or reality discipline:
1.Establish a healthy authority over your children
2. hold your children accountable for their actions
3. let reality be the t...more

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Feb 01, 2012

Maya rated it

I don't know why I pick up so many parenting books. It's not like I expect them to give you a one-all answer but I do like pulling ideas from several different view points. That being said, I started reading Leman's book based on reality discipline just to gather some more ideas.

He defines reality discipline as "consistent, decisive and respectful way for parents to love not 'punish.'" Basically it's the idea to give kids choices but hold them accountable. I have to admit th...moreI don't know why I pick up so many parenting books. It's not like I expect them to give you a one-all answer but I do like pulling ideas from several different view points. That being said, I started reading Leman's book based on reality discipline just to gather some more ideas.

He defines reality discipline as "consistent, decisive and respectful way for parents to love not 'punish.'" Basically it's the idea to give kids choices but hold them accountable. I have to admit that I was bothered by the book's title "Making Your Child Mind." How do you "make" a child do anything? Thankfully Leman even knocks his own title choice by saying, "Don't make your child mind, guide your child toward making wise decisions about the realities of life with the freedom to fail."

The one thing that impressed me about this book is that Leman touches on so many child/parenting subjects from tantrums, homework, talking about sex and sibling fighting. He is very brief about each which is good this is where I think the book misses out. I would have preferred to have some more depth in some of these subjects. He gives examples of real stories for some items but I would have preferred to have more meat to all of it.

What I enjoyed the most on Leman's parenting advice is how he is all about building your child's confidence and ability to see reality. They are to take on responsibilities and be part of the family unit but also be comforted by their parents and loved in encouraging ways. He encourages parents to show their true selves and not try to hide their flaws, rather to be more open and honest about them. In his own words he is "asking parents both fathers and mothers to melt a little, to be real, to show love and respect to your kids, to let your family life be full of flavor." Love that phrase - family life full of flavor.

Overall I think it is a good quick parenting read. I just felt the book lacked in depth and I craved a bit more of Leman's thoughts in the parenting areas.

Some of the best parts:

God’s love for us is unconditional. He loves us just because we are who we are, imperfect and prone to make mistakes. And he wants us to love our children in the same unconditional way.

Lasting self esteem comes when kids learn that they belong - to a family, to a community, to a group of friends.

Critical need in homes today is that they become the kind of environment in which children can learn more about themselves. Home should be a place where children can make mistakes as they try out some things they have decided on their own.

In all my years of private practice I’ve never heard one of my young clients (the children) mention “quality time.” All a child knows is that he wants our time and our attention... In trying to find time for your children, don’t worry too much about how much “quality” is in it. Give them all the time you can and the quality will take care of itself. And as you give them time, you will get to know them.

Important for our children to see us as imperfect. There is no better way to teach a child about having true faith in God. When the child learns that his parents are truly dependent upon the grace of God and that they need God’s help, he will see that God is very real and not just a belief that is talked in about in an abstract way.

Sad to see so many parents - out of pride or selfishness - refuse to let their children know that they have flaws and that they don’t have it all together. When parents are brave enough to share their flaws and lacks with the children through prayer, they serve as beautiful models of what it means to depend on God.(less)

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Apr 17, 2011

Amy rated it

The frustration I felt for this book's condescending tone, coupled with what felt like a removed male perspective on child-rearing, just made for an insurmountable barrier to enjoying any part of this. The points made in this book are valid enough, but not earth-shattering revelations to be sure. Many of them are the same bits of tried and true dross you can find in any one-paragraph parenting-tip column.

While I agree that parents still need adult time and dedicated time as a cou...more

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Sep 22, 2009

Jodi rated it

· review of another edition

Recommends it for: Parents with young children

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction

Easy read with practical advice for parents. Can't say I learned anything earth-shattering, but Leman did remind me that we need to be "tougher" at meals. If our kids don't want to eat, don't make an issue out of it and NO food until the next meal so they learn to eat at meal times. Gulp! We try not to make an issue of meals in our house, but usually leave the plate on the table for the kids to come back to later. Guess we will stop that and listen to the whining for a few days unt...more

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Aug 28, 2008

Clair rated it

Shelves: taking-all-the-help-i-can-get

Okay, I didn't read EVERY word of the book, but I got the jest of it- as a parent it's best to be somewhere in between authoritative and permissive. Leman promotes "reality discipline"- giving children the opportunity to make choices and learn from the natural consequences. He conveys the importance of loving and building up your children and making home a safe place to be.

I felt like I was reading lots of words but not getting lots of information. I wasn't fully apprecia...moreOkay, I didn't read EVERY word of the book, but I got the jest of it- as a parent it's best to be somewhere in between authoritative and permissive. Leman promotes "reality discipline"- giving children the opportunity to make choices and learn from the natural consequences. He conveys the importance of loving and building up your children and making home a safe place to be.

I felt like I was reading lots of words but not getting lots of information. I wasn't fully appreciative of the author's sense of humor which seemed more forced than natural. For instance one chapter is called "Pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble." I give him credit for trying to add some comic relief to an intense subject, I just wasn't laughing much.

I did like that his philosophy is built on Christian principles. The translation of Bible verses he used was very dissimilar to the King James Version that I am used to. So while I think the overall interpretation of Christian parenting was right on, the wording of scriptures was just very foreign to me.

I must say that Leman's whole premise is very much like Love and Logic. So if you are familiar with L&L I don't think you really need to read this book. I prefer the L&L book in that I just think it was more organized and to the point.

Did the book help me with my parenting? Sure, it was a great reminder of all the things I need to do like being consistent and holding my kids accountable for their choices. Reading this book, kept all the basics at the forefront of my mind and it was a good jumping off point for my husband and I to use for discussion.

I did get the "oh-I-know-where-you-got-that-idea" look from my husband when I told two of my children who were fighting over a computer game that they were welcome to take their fight to the backyard if they really wanted to continue. The fighting stopped almost instantly. Good one, Dr. Leman.

Bottom line- this was okay and had sound parenting advice, but I'm going to pass this one on and dust off my old Love and Logic book.(less)

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Aug 23, 2009

Salina rated it

Shelves: parenting

- Good starting book for someone who hasn't read a lot of parenting books. (There wasn't much new to me)
- Didn't like the frequent references to Biblical verses (of course if you are Christian, this will be an advantage).
- At times was a little preachy
- Liked his statements regarding allowing children to fail (grades, sports, etc.)
- Reality discipline is what he talks about which I know as logical consequences
- Didn't agree with spanking being allowed
(I ha...more

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Jun 11, 2011

Donell rated it

Shelves: awful-donated

I bought this book at a used bookstore. I should have left it there! Had I thumbed through it a little more and seen the scripture and references to God throughout, I would have! It was just unnecessary and written in the most elementary, common sense way possible.

It was horrible and I really couldn't stand it after flipping through a few chapters. It went right into my "donate to the used bookstore" bag. Haha. Hopefully they will appreciate having it back!

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Apr 25, 2008

Kris rated it

· review of another edition

OK, normally I don't go for books that are overtly 'Christian' because usually they spend more time proving their religion than their point. However, this one was sent to me by my reincarnation, karma weilding mother in law, so I figured it couldn't be too bad. And it was great! (for a self help book)
Leman uses the term 'Reality Discipline' to describe his style (I know, not so original, but it was written in the early 80s, when it was a bit different). I love the emphasis on logical c...more

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Dec 03, 2009

Jason Miller rated it

Great book from a person who is also a parent and helps families. Doesn't believe in the B.S. of it takes a village to raise a child, or media is raising your kid, but instead in reality. (Concept is called reality discipline). Your kid doesn't want to eat dinner, then they go to bed hungry, you don't make special exceptions for them> You also let them lose at some things (some dumb people people believe letting a child lose will damage them, again B.S.). You even let your kids get back ...more

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Oct 11, 2011

Cindy rated it

· review of another edition

This is the book we referred to when raising our kids. I still use some of his guidelines.
The Seven Principles or reality discipline:
1.Establish a healthy authority over your children
2. hold your children accountable for their actions
3. let reality be the teacher
4. Use actions more than words
5. stick to your guns, but don't shoot yourself in the foot
6.relationships come before rules
7. live by your values

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Jan 08, 2009

Ali rated it

It's been almost four years since I read this, but it stays on my nightstand. It reminds me to relax my control issues and "pull the rug out from under the little buzzards." Dr. Leman is histerical and insightful at the same time, showing how to creatively discipline our kids without overparenting and over-exhausting ourselves.

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Nov 08, 2008

Jillian rated it

Recommends it for: parents who don't want to spank or yell, and who don't want their kids in therapy as adults

Shelves: parenting

This book confirms what I have long suspected -- authoritative, not authoritarian, discipline is the best. I struggle, though, with knowing the best way to let reality be the teacher. This book helped. I now know that I'm doing a lot of things right already, but I need to work on making statements that communicate understanding without judgment. For example,"I'm sorry you forgot your coat at school. It's going to be cold today, so I hope you find it." Rather than, "Well, you're go...more

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Jun 21, 2011

Adele Bonnie rated it

Nothing new or earth-shattering here but I found his advice to be solid. I liked the middle-of-the-road approach to discipline he takes (not too authoritarian or too permissive), and his advice to let consequences happen ("reality discipline") makes a ton of sense. The Christian references are not over-the-top at all.

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Jul 18, 2008

Heather rated it

· review of another edition

Recommends it for: Mothers and Fathers

I was very apprehensive with the title because you really can't make your children do anything. But I was desperate and wanted some new ideas and thought I would see what he had to say. I was pleasantly surprised because the the whole book is about giving your children choices and letting them decide. It has a very Christian tone and quotes many scriptures. I have already implemented some of the techniques and ideas with my two boys and have seen some improvement in their behavior. One thing...more

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Dec 12, 2008

Leah rated it

I read this book and found that it was very helpful in learning how to teach a child what happens when they do wrong. Teaching a child to make decisions is what this book is really about. Making right decisions and consequences of wrong decisions from a child's point of view.

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May 10, 2008

Beth A. rated it

Recommended to Beth A. by: Laura Dotson

Shelves: nonfiction, parenting

This is an enjoyable book to read with lots of good parenting advice. Leman believes in using "reality discipline". With this method the consequence is connected to the inappropriate behavior in a logical or natural way.

He says not to nag, but to use actions -not words- to get your message across. He says to act quickly and decisively.

He says to use encouragement instead of praise or rewards. Praise focuses on the child (good boy), but encouragement focuses on t...more

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Mar 11, 2009

Carrie rated it

I am really glad that I am reading this book on parenting/discipline. It provides a wonderful middle ground between the permissive and authoritarian parent through what Leman describes as "reality discipline." It breaks down why punishment and reward really don't help your children or the long term goal of raising responsible adults. My only complaint is that he gets a little esoteric in the middle while talking about reality discipline when what I want are more, more and more concrete...more

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Jan 24, 2009

Taryn rated it

LOVE THIS AUTHOR!!!! GREAT, GREAT, GREAT BOOK FOR PARENTS, I THINK EVERY PARENT SHOULD READ THIS. I LEARNED MORE ABOUT REALITY DISCIPLINE AND DISCOVERED....IT WORKS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY OTHER KIND OF DISCIPLINE.

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Aug 04, 2011

Stephanie Larson added it

Excellent book on reality-based discipline that I will always refer back tom y notes on. The only reason I'm not keeping this book forever is because I think so many would benefit from it being at the library.

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Oct 12, 2009

Janell rated it

Some of the adivice and stories are the same in this book as in Have A New Kid By Friday. However, this book makes a lot of religious references and has more material than the other one.

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Mar 05, 2011

Heidi rated it

Shelves: heidi-books-read-in-2011, non-fiction, parenting

I read this after reading "The Birth Order Book" by the same author. This book had some good principles and ideas, but I didn't get as much out of it as I expected I would.

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Aug 18, 2009

Lisa rated it

LOVE this! Great reminder that I'm the grown-up and need to act like one.....difficult to do sometimes when faced with the non-logic of a toddler (or any child of any age, huh?).

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Mar 03, 2009

Kristina rated it

Shelves: parenting

This is a great book that I enjoyed reading. The ideas are practical and helpful to try. He is definitely a good author and speaks often on Focus on the Family.

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Aug 16, 2008

Amanda rated it

· review of another edition

Recommends it for: christain parents, mike, amy

I will be, have already, using some wisdom offered in this book. It mostly brings home the idea that childen need imediate and appropriate consiquences even if it hurts us to give it or let it happen. I liked this authors discussions regarding biblical advise on this subject. Spare the rod, spoil the child does not mean beating them with a rod. But it doea mean that we are responsible for guiding our children. Having my BS in psychology, and currently studing education, I found his "psyc...more

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Jul 27, 2011

Amy rated it

this one is a definite keeper for future reference. I have already started applying some of the techniques and yes they do work. Hopefully I can keep up with it.

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Nov 28, 2010

Melanie rated it

Shelves: parenting

Kevin Leman is funny, practical and offers a balanced approach to raising children. He is for using safe, natural consequences to choices kids make.

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Feb 12, 2009

Mary Burke rated it

Learned a lot, still need to apply it. A bit too much religion for me, but the concepts are good.Rereading it now, in hopes of being saved.

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About Kevin Leman

Dr. Kevin Leman is an internationally recognized psychologist, author, and media personality. He was the first to popularize Adlerian psychological concepts in the United States, which are based on birth-order and family dynamics. Dr. Leman holds Bachelor's, Master's, and Doctorate degrees in clinical psychology from the University of Arizona.

Dr. Leman is the founder and president of "...more

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Books by Kevin Leman

The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days

Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His Attitude, Behavior & Communication in 5 Days

The Way of the Shepherd: 7 Ancient Secrets to Managing Productive People

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