NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

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NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

by Po Bronson, Ashley Merryman

4.04 · rating details · 5,421 ratings · 1,534 reviews

In a world of modern, involved, caring parents, why are so many kids aggressive and cruel? Where is intelligence hidden in the brain, and why does that matter? Why do cross-racial friendships decrease in schools that are more integrated? If 98% of kids think lying is morally wrong, then why do 98% of kids lie? What's the single most important thing that helps infants l...more

Hardcover, 336 pages

Published September 3rd 2009 by Twelve (first published January 1st 2009)

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Community Reviews

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Oct 21, 2009

Kristine rated it

Shelves: self-help-type, book-club, parenting, i-own

So far is one of my top 3 parenting books I've ever read. Scientifically backed studies on child development that go against everything you thought you knew was best, well not all of it was new -- but it was all still good.

FYI - this book was not written by child psychology experts, but by two journalists in the child psychology field whose "niche" is to report on studies that have gone unheeded.

There are ten chapters, each reading like its own essay:

...more

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Sep 20, 2009

Christine Cavalier rated it

Shelves: non-fiction, parenting, psychology

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here.
NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children
Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman 2009

New York Magazine journalists Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman team up to add commentary and more information to their articles in this new book published by Twelve, a division of the Hachette Book Group.

The last page of the book has this blurb about Twelve:

“TWELVE was established in August 2005 with the objective of publishing no more than one book per month. We strive to publ...more

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Feb 22, 2010

Natalie added it

This book is a well-researched freakonomics of parenting, upending the prevailing myths of childrearing. I'm only two chapters in and am hooked. It's good for starting conversations and makes me rethink my childhood and little things I could now to improve my life.

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Feb 03, 2010

Breck rated it

Interesting book. There were a lot of interesting ideas, however, I feel more confused about children than I did before. I guess the point is to open your eyes. One theme throughout is that kids are different than adults and need to be understood differently. A few interesting points:

1. Praise specific achievements and praise effort
2. Regular lack of sleep is damaging to children's health
3. We are wired from birth to segregate by race, so racial bias is something that...more

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May 19, 2011

Amanda rated it

Shelves: 2011, popular-non-fiction

Things I have changed about my parenting after reading this book:

I have my daughter "read" books back to me after I read them to her.

We make a plan for the day complete with drawings and handwriting practice.

I tell my kids that I can tell they worked really hard on something, instead of just telling them that they are great.

I try to respond more often when my 10 month-old son makes a voiced noise.

I have stopped letting my kids watch Art...more

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Aug 23, 2010

Mike Padilla rated it

Not exactly shocking but some interesting studies are discussed. The chapters are conclusion free so you can read about the studies and decide their relevance which I liked. The book was slanted for yuppie extreme parents (e.g. parents with kids on pre-school waiting lists from birth) and it described the world in two races with little mention of ethnic and national origin differences. It did however acknowledge that fathers exist and are interested in raising children which is unusual for par...more

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Feb 08, 2012

Brian rated it

This is a great book, and is applicable to parenting kids at around 6 months of age and older. I wish I had read it earlier (the day they published it actually)... The study information compiled in this book is fascinating. I like the scientific approach taken by the authors and the researchers. A lot of information in popular culture for the past 30 years is revisited with many different conclusions drawn (with much of the research completed in the last few years). I already do things diff...more

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Dec 30, 2011

Elizabeth K. rated it

Recommended to Elizabeth by: SDMB

Shelves: 2011-new-reads

I mostly liked this, because I am a big fan of building evidence-based skill sets. Each chapter focuses on relatively recent research in child development, and I think the authors did a fine job with presenting the both the process and the findings. I was sometimes a little put off by an underlying tone that the results are SHOCKING (well, maybe it's not THAT underlying if it's in the title) and they seemed to delight in the possibility that some people would be affronted by such a challenge t...more

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Dec 28, 2011

Heather rated it

(Rebecca this is for you!)
This is a MUST READ for all parents. It's a parenting book based on studies that set out to prove one thing, but ended up proving something different. I'm not a fan of parenting books per se, only because they feel so dependent on the current parenting fad, but this isn't necessarily advocating any kind of parenting styles, it's more of a "Hey, we didn't know kids think like THAT!" kind of book. It covers topics from lying to gifted education to violen...more

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Nov 10, 2011

Justine rated it

I found it to be as eye-opening as Malcolm Gladwell's books and Freakonomics. I do wish, however, that the authors spent more time discussing what works at the end of each chapter. In other words, don't just tell us why everything we've heard before is wrong, but tell us what we are supposed to do as well.

In particular, I enjoyed "the sibling effect" chapter because I want to do what I can to ensure my girls have a close relationship based on love and mutual respect. I may b...more

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Sep 21, 2011

Brooke romney rated it

· review of another edition

4.5...I loved this book and want to buy it so I can highlight and take notes on how to raise better children. This is my kind of parenting book...conversationally written but with tons and tons of experiments and studies and numbers. Much of what I learned was not the intuitive kind of stuff and I loved that it spanned every age and stage. A few things that I learned: over-praise creates kids who think life should be easy or who stop when things get hard; it's a must change. We should talk abou...more

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Aug 30, 2011

Stephanie rated it

I am giving this three stars because it was a well-written and provocative book with some (perhaps) useful takeaways to use with my kids. But! Sometimes I wanted to throw it across the room. Because it's like a Freakonomics or maybe Malcolm Gladwell for kid-issues, it's constantly turning common assumptions upside down, often based on the results of A Study. I am never sure how much weight to give A Study, so ultimately I feel more confused than ever about things I should be doing/saying to ...more

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Aug 29, 2011

Alexandra rated it

· review of another edition

As a nanny for children from the ages of new born to fifteen year olds, the book was a bit of a shocker. I still don't know how I feel about not praising children for their hard work, I understand over praising them will make them have a big head but to not be able to say you did wonderful is going to be hard. I am currently working on that right now but being that Im watching a five month old, I really don't believe that positive remarks are going to hurt her. I believe that up until kinder...more

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Aug 11, 2011

Mark rated it

Shelves: non-fiction

If I could give this 2.5 stars I would. The reason is that I found half of the book to be fascinating and the other half to be annoying. Bronson sets out corral the science of child-rearing which should be the first red flag. While there is certainly something to be learned from the neuroscience of child development, there is also a lot that can't be explained by the neuroscience of child development.

But on the upside: In my opinion Bronson nails the "parenting by praise" ...more

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Jul 24, 2011

Jessie rated it

Shelves: always-learning, parenting-books

I checked out this book on CD for our road trip, and we listened to the entire thing during the drive.

It had some really good points, and I liked it although we thought it was a bit long-winded and dull.

I think I mostly benefited from the information on race and how to handle talking to your kids about it. I loved the comparison about how we talk about gender, and suggesting to treat race similar to that (ie. men and women can be doctors - so can people of any race) a...more

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Jul 09, 2011

MJ rated it

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. The book was for the most part very interesting as it presented primarily researched data on common assumptions of mainstream parenting, learning, and relationships in the lives of our children. The researches consisted of conclusions on children and praise, understanding of race, sibling rivalry, sleep, giftedness testing, aggression, early baby learning via videos (like little einstein), speech and vocabulary development, children's lying, and peer relations to name a few. Some info was not ne...moreThe book was for the most part very interesting as it presented primarily researched data on common assumptions of mainstream parenting, learning, and relationships in the lives of our children. The researches consisted of conclusions on children and praise, understanding of race, sibling rivalry, sleep, giftedness testing, aggression, early baby learning via videos (like little einstein), speech and vocabulary development, children's lying, and peer relations to name a few. Some info was not new to me as a parent that parents peacefully (like the info on praise and sibling rivalry). Other parts such as the conclusions on peer group development, aggression, and lying were new to me, but made perfect sense as it follows much of what advocates for parenting peacefully have been saying all along.

I should say though that my initial skepticism with this book is with research in general. I do understand the value and necessity of research, but I have learned to shy away from any generalized, blanket statements that stems from the studies. Most of the time we aren't given the full details of the research when we hear about the findings, and also much of the time we wouldn't fit into the general sampling of mainstream parenting or learning practices anymore. It seems that most of the children tested were school-aged, mainstream public or privately educated children, which again are categories we currently don't fall into. With that said, the research shared in this book often validated what homeschooling and peacefully parenting families already know about children and because of this, I would recommend this book.

I'll give you a few examples:

• Over-praising, over-rewarding, and over-inflating children for their accomplishments proves detrimental. For example, the common practice of giving all children a trophy for participating in a group sport, or clapping and making a big deal for average work purely for the sake of saving their self-confidence, over-comforting and reassuring the child for failures, again to save self-confidence--all of it creates a need for praise, a need for rewards as well as feelings of entitlement. This is the same research that proved that Americans were highest on the international rankings of self-confidence, but among the lowest on the international rankings of performance. The suggestion, observe and offer praise for specific actions and choices, and be honest about it.

• Baby videos purposed to increase learning by exposure to classical music, puppetry, words, etc. doesn't work and statistically may be a waste of time. Learning happens three dimensionally, when babies interact, touch, and experience the activity, not just sitting and watching it.

•Speaking profusely to our babies does not necessarily increase verbal abilities in them. They did research on parents who incessantly talked to their children thinking it would increased their learning capabilities for speech. It doesn't. It is the responding to the baby's cues and verbal attempts by touching, voicing and making eye contact that makes all the difference, and I mean nearly ALL.

• Giftedness testing for most children under 10 is inaccurate and showed no correlation to true giftedness and success in the future. Simply, kids' brains are still developing until about 10, and 5 and 6 year olds are just too young to be accurately tested. In fact, many of the children who were tested and passed for giftedness at 5 or 6 proved eventually not to be truly gifted. Even if they were truly gifted, most of the programs available here in the states for gifted students prove to under utilize and under massage the children's abilities.

• And lastly, and the one I found most validating, is the research on aggression in children. In mainstream culture, children's aggression has increased over the past few years. Despite the sweet shows on Nick Jr. or Disney or PBS on how to treat friends, despite the zero tolerance to bullying in schools, despite parents spanking less and using more positive discipline methods, despite all the money, time and effort schools and parents have put forth into anti-bullying campaigns, bullying is getting worse. Why? One reason suggested was that kids were spending 60+% of their time with their peers in school, or peers in sports groups or after school activities and are left to their own devices in a natural ranking system that occurs within their peer groups. All the shows they watch, lessons and preaching that they receive from teachers or parents are left to the wayside because the pressures that come from being in peer groups far outweigh the pressures from parents. It's more accepted to be cool than to be morally or behaviorally right. School-aged kids spend only 16% of their time with parents, leaving their source of primary influence to be--their peers. In other words, the Lord of the Flies effect is alive and well.

Many of the studies did not include homeschooled and unschooled children. I think their research findings would be very interesting if researchers could do a separate study on these groups of children :).

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May 25, 2011

Tevian rated it

This book was truly eye opening for me. This book outlines specific behaviors and situations that I had experienced in my childhood. If only my parents read this book when I was younger. I'll paraphrase a little. One section that rings true for me was about the "inverse power of praise" in younger children. Creating a situation where children develop behaviors that keep them from trying anything new or "outside their comfort zone". These behaviors manifest as an abnormally st...more

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May 16, 2011

Megan rated it

· review of another edition

Recommends it for: All parents and people who work with children

Recommended to Megan by: James, my adorable husband

Shelves: bookgroup

Get ready to have your parenting methods turned on their head. Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman are journalists for the New York Magazine. They write on the science of parenting.
Here are some of the topics in this book:
1) Think that you're building your children by praising them? New research says if you tell your kids they're special, you'll ruin them.
2) White parents don't talk about race, thinking that they'll grow up color blind. Is this the right approach?
3) Most stra...more

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May 09, 2011

Laurel rated it

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Science seems to prove many conflicting stories. Lots of research went into this book to find theories that debunk traditional ideas.
Main points I liked:
praise works for adults, for kids it can backfire. Better to help kids try something new - brain grows like a muscle.
Kids need consistent sleep or they'll be dumb & fat.
We need to talk with our kids about race - not let them figure it out on their own.
Tell the truth all the time - our kids learn to lie from watching ...more

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Apr 04, 2011

Brett rated it

Shelves: education, marriage-and-family, culture-studies

Fantastic at times and awful the rest of the time. Bronson and Merryman do a great job getting back to the "basics" in many areas. Noticing the inverse power of praise, the need to discuss race and the idea that self-control can be taught can't be mentioned enough in our culture. Yet, the authors completely avoid the heart of the matter. Child rearing, in their view, can be perfected if we are willing to do enough scientific studies and research to determine what is most effective....more

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Mar 24, 2011

Sacha rated it

Shelves: books-about-baby

This book is full of interesting perspectives on raising kids. Mostly the information rings true; it sounds commonsensical. Of course that may mean the ideas make sense or it may mean the book is written well. Here are some comments by chapter.

The Inverse Power of Praise - After reading this I have started to try not to praise intelligence, but effort. It is really hard!

The Lost Hour - Kids need sleep. This I knew. There is some information about high school starting ti...moreThis book is full of interesting perspectives on raising kids. Mostly the information rings true; it sounds commonsensical. Of course that may mean the ideas make sense or it may mean the book is written well. Here are some comments by chapter.

The Inverse Power of Praise - After reading this I have started to try not to praise intelligence, but effort. It is really hard!

The Lost Hour - Kids need sleep. This I knew. There is some information about high school starting times that is interesting.

Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race - Racially diverse schools don't make for tolerant kids. Racially diverse friends or working partners do. This I knew. The degree of race-awareness in young kids I found surprising.

Why Kids Lie - One of the more fascinating chapters. This chapter points out how much lying society condones, even encourages (think white lies). Lying can be a sign that a child is socially-able. Lying and other 'bad' behavior is often used in conjunction with 'good' behavior by kids who are really adept at maneuvering socially. Loved by peers and adults alike. This chapter also presents youngsters' (extremely black and white) perspective on lying.

The Search For Intelligent Life In Kindergarten - This chapter talks about why intelligence tests before about 11 are a waste of time.

The Sibling Effect - The way one treats a sibling is a result not a cause of how one interacts with friends.

The Science of Teen Rebellion - Argument is at least engaged.

Can Self-Control Be Taught - STARS for this chapter. Ways to teach preschoolers patience, focus, and other 'executive functions.' Because of this chapter I have been looking into Tools of the Mind. While I have found other helpful information, nothing I have found yet provides such practical examples as this chapter.

Plays Well With Others - (their subtitle) Why modern involved parenting has failed to produce a generation of angels.

Why Hannah Talks and Alyssa Doesn't - Some interesting tidbits about language acquisition.(less)

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Feb 26, 2011

switterbug (Betsey) rated it

Parenting books are ubiquitous. How to sift through and determine which are worthy? I have a teenage daughter and have read quite a few. Even when I thought I was impressed, there was always something nagging at me about them. I determined that many of the books had an outside or hidden agenda, which was to socialize parents according to a specific sheep-herding mentality. Often, a social consciousness or a reaction to a negative social consciousness about raising children informed these "m...moreParenting books are ubiquitous. How to sift through and determine which are worthy? I have a teenage daughter and have read quite a few. Even when I thought I was impressed, there was always something nagging at me about them. I determined that many of the books had an outside or hidden agenda, which was to socialize parents according to a specific sheep-herding mentality. Often, a social consciousness or a reaction to a negative social consciousness about raising children informed these "manuals." In other words, the science behind the thinking was weak--they were often politically charged or reactionary.

The blurbs about this book intrigued me, but I was also skeptical--until I read the first chapter on the inverse power of praise. Parents and guardians--just get ye to a bookstore and read the first chapter. I think you will be galvanized by its immediacy and logic (as well as back-up data) and it will inspire you to continue. It all clicked when I read about our praise-junkie tendencies, and how it has a paradoxical effect. The authors never condescend to us; they maintain that all of us want to make the best and most informed decisions. For instance, most of us start telling our babies, from the cradle "You are so smart" as almost a mantra of parenting. The authors do not criticize positive praise--they are revealing the data for specific types of praise. Telling a kid he or she is smart rather than specifically praising them for their efforts will eventually backfire. The child will have a tendency to not put out a lot of effort when they are challenged because they are stymied by the feeling that they have to stay smart, or that they must be NOT smart if they can't solve a problem or puzzle. Telling a kid (s)he is smart is praising an innate feature that is out of the child's control. Praising them for each genuine effort (whether they solved a problem or not) will have a better outcome. I cannot convey to readers the way that these authors channel and support this information--the statistical data and the entire beautiful logic of it--you must read it for yourselves.

The chapter on race relations also woke me out of a deep slumber of complacency. Too often, parents try to teach their kids equality just by placing them in diverse environments or showing them videos of multicultural friendships and cooperation. The book explicated a longitudinal study done by Dr. Bigler in Austin, Texas that revealed the lack of actual parent/child discussion on racial equality. That is the key ingredient to integration. Silence is not golden--(silence is black and white, and never the twain shall meet)--it is the wrong kind of colorblind. Just read this chapter and it will open your eyes.

Each section is such a wake-up call to parenting that I found myself reflecting on the blind spots in my own methods--not in an immolating way, but rather in an "aha!" manner. It isn't guesswork or just someone's opinion. The longitudinal studies, ongoing tests, data compilation, and control studies are explicit. But, more than that, you will feel a light bulb go off--it is seriously the most intrepid book I have ever read on parenting. No exaggeration. I can apply the book's information to my own parenting experiences and trials and realize how on the mark these studies are.

There is a chapter on sleep--its bearing and consequences on child performance, on obesity, and on mood. This section alone is worth the price of the book. I learned which parts of the sleep cycle are integral to the storage of which information. They describe the parts of the brain being affected when information is received and when sleep is disrupted. But, more importantly, the authors lay out the pitfalls of losing just 15 minutes or an hour of sleep--so many teenage problems are associated with this that some trailblazing schools are finally arranging the hours of education based on these studies. But more schools need this call to action. And we need to encourage a positive sleep pattern with our children. I know this sounds de rigueur and obvious. But this chapter on sleep is way more comprehensive than anything I have read before, and profound. Almost everything in the quality of your children's lives depends on it.

One of my favorite sections was the one that is like a riptide into everything you thought you knew about your child's language acquisition. Baby Einstein? Fuhgettaboutit. And don't try teaching your children a foreign language by popping in a Spanish DVD and parking them in front of the TV. Not going to happen. As a matter of fact, it will have a deleterious effect. A child needs a "live" person to learn. Additionally, it is the call and response between parent and baby that is the key to increasing their vocabulary and comprehension. Baby Einstein videos are like disembodied voices that do absolutely zip for their education. Sesame Street in Spanish is just as ineffective. Please read the chapter--the whole controversy is revealed when the studies proved that these baby videos are empty and hollow forms of education.

Perhaps my personal favorite is the chapter on teen rebellion. I recognize the arguing and lying of children in a whole new way now. How and why children cultivate what we think of as egregious behaviors usually stems from a psychologically astute and desirable place in their hearts and growth. It is the same with arguing. We need to shed our preconceptions and outmoded concerns about teen compliance, obedience, and integrity and understand the necessary steps in their development. There is a paradox about child/teen lying--it is expected, but it still must be dealt with.

And there is more--sibling rivalry, IQ testing, testing for elite schools at an early age, self-control, and playing well with others are covered immaculately.

Yes, it will blow the lid off, turn upside down just about everything previously advocated in parenting books. But not in a confounding way. That is an important ingredient to consider. This book, the way I perceive it, is not intended to upset or horrify you or derail your parenting experience. (Although, by its very nature it does derail previous long-held concepts, but in a compassionate way.) As a matter of fact, it provided clarity into numerous bogus concepts and the pious conditioning that we have been hanging onto for years. Additionally, it offers specific practices and interventions that can be measured rather swiftly in your own home with these changes to your personal parenting skills. As much as this book "shocks," it is not intimidating or finger-pointing at parents (although it does point a finger into disingenuous studies). The accessible and engaging flow of narrative is dotted with levity, lightness, and always benevolence. I read this book in just a few sittings and I retained the information well. It is easy to go back and reference what you read, as the chapters are laid out in an explicit, user-friendly manner.

Slide your other parenting books to the side of the shelf and place this one squarely in the middle. I acknowledge this book as a parenting imperative. Read it and leap.

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Feb 06, 2011

Rachael rated it

I enjoyed reading about the studies and what they demonstrated. Bronson explores issues ranging from teenaged rebellion to why some babies speak faster than others to the nature of bullying in light of recent studies. While I think there is valuable information to learn here the take away point seems to be that there is no real black and white answer. Try to be an overly nurturing parent and your teen will lie to you more, try to be too traditional and it'll backfire in another way. Sure, yo...more

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Jan 17, 2011

Sarah rated it

I really enjoyed this book. I am pulled in by parenting books that provide solid research as their basis without being too dull and this is definitely one of those books. A large section of the book is just solid references. Not your typical parenting book author, Po Bronson worked in Finance and was a journalist. He became interested in child development topics upon research he was doing for an article... I believe it says at the beginning of the book.

"The central premise of ...more

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Jan 10, 2011

Winddancer rated it

Shelves: adult

This book made me reconsider reasons why my son or students do certain things, such as lying, cheating, and reckless behavior. But to be quite honest, it didn't wow me like I had hoped it would. I found the reporting of the research lackluster at best, and from the limited information about the studies cited, I came up with more questions than answers. For example, one study cited the importance of sleep in boosting SAT scores by about 100 points. Data was collected on the same group of students...more

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Dec 29, 2010

Aban (Aby) rated it

Since my arrival in Toronto and the prospect of my first grandchild in February, I seem to have focused my reading more on books on parenting and child rearing. At first, I wasn't going to review these books on Goodreads, but then I thought about all my friends who are grandparents of very young children, or who may be grandparents in the future, and I changed my mind.

I only gave three stars to this book because some of the chapters in it were disappointing. On the other hand, I foun...moreSince my arrival in Toronto and the prospect of my first grandchild in February, I seem to have focused my reading more on books on parenting and child rearing. At first, I wasn't going to review these books on Goodreads, but then I thought about all my friends who are grandparents of very young children, or who may be grandparents in the future, and I changed my mind.

I only gave three stars to this book because some of the chapters in it were disappointing. On the other hand, I found some chapters to be of outstanding interest and value. This is not your normal book on parenting. Rather it focuses on what research has to say about children at a variety of ages and on a wide range of topics:
- what encourages (and discourages) children of all ages into trying hard in any endeavour
- the value of sleep and how youngsters today are not getting enough of it
- why parents need to talk about race and colour
- why kids lie
- sibling relationships
- teen rebellion
- self-control
- aggression and bullying
- the development of speech

Some of the information was not new to me (for example, rather than praising a child it's better to empgasize effort or focus on the positive things the child does). However, it's good to be reminded!

Among the new things I learned was:
- Lack of sleep leads not only to lower intellectual functioning and academic achievement, but also to greater obesity in children. Also, adolescents brains function in such a way that they go to sleep later than younger children and adults, and need to sleep in later than them.
- Even the highest achieving teens indulge in reckless behaviour of which parents would disapprove. They keep parents in the dark - not out of disrespect - but because they don't want their parents to be disappointed in them. They do this regardless of whether their parents are strict or permissive. However, the parents who put down a FEW rules and stick to them (with some concessions) are most likely to get the truth from their teens.
- The brains of adolescents respond differently to pleasure than those of children or adults, but when the reward center in their brain IS stimulated, the area of their brain dealing with weighing risks and consequences shows a DIMINISHED response!
- It's not just bullies who display meanness and cruelty! Much of this is done by children who are popular and well liked by adults as well as by other children. Agression is not simply a lapse in social skills. On the contrary, it requires a high level of social skills, sensitivity, and social intelligence!
- Language development is promoted - not so much by the parents talking TO their baby - as by responding verbally and non-verbally to their childs body language and verbalizations.

I would certainly recommend this book to anyone interested in understanding the behaviour of children and teens.(less)

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Nov 27, 2010

Michelle rated it

Shelves: 2010

I am definitely not the kind of person who reads parenting books. Maybe because I had a terrific childhood and my parents produced three successful, “nice” people I guess I’ve assumed I learned (subconsciously) by example. Isn’t that what they say? Parents are models for behavior? Anyway, I’ve heard a lot of buzz about this book from multiple people so decided to pick it up. There are definitely some new revelations here. I’d heard before that too much praise can actually hurt self-esteem but th...moreI am definitely not the kind of person who reads parenting books. Maybe because I had a terrific childhood and my parents produced three successful, “nice” people I guess I’ve assumed I learned (subconsciously) by example. Isn’t that what they say? Parents are models for behavior? Anyway, I’ve heard a lot of buzz about this book from multiple people so decided to pick it up. There are definitely some new revelations here. I’d heard before that too much praise can actually hurt self-esteem but the studies and results that back this up are amazing. I also found the chapter on race surprising, everything from whether you should make a “big deal” about skin color (you should) and the fact a diverse area has more segregation. Also, the bit about Progressive Husbands was a little unsettling because I myself have a Progressive Husband. Apparently they have less marital satisfaction and think their households are lower functioning than in traditional households. I’m sure it’s because the husband is out of the loop in the “traditional” household so doesn’t get how stressful things can be on a day to day basis. And if my husband wasn’t a big contributor to the household let me tell you he’d be getting no “marital satisfaction” at all. He’d be getting no “marital” anything! Also while such situation might be less stressful for the husband it'd be more stressful for the mom. I guess that's neither here nor there... it was part of a bigger discussion on aggression, something not applicable to our kids thus far. (Also the authors made Progessive Dad seem wishy-washy and insecure - not the case in my house).

There were a few chapters I found somewhat dull and drawn-out and that felt more like book filler than important research (the sleep one in particular – don’t most people know this? Also the chapter on gifted programs). Overall, though, this is a must-read for every parent. I’m even having my husband read it. Hopefully he will not demand a more “traditional” role. (less)

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Nov 13, 2010

Lars Guthrie rated it

· review of another edition

‘Nuture Shock’ is a wonderful collection of essays on child development that carries more weight than you might think. On an initial glance, it appears to be another example of what Adam Hanft, in a review of Steven Johnson’s ‘Where Good Ideas Come From’ (http://bnreview.barnesandnoble.com/t5/Re...), called ‘pattern porn’.

Hanft defines the genre as ‘non-fiction characterized by a seductive thesis that is supported by an ingenious arrangement of scientific support—manipulatively cher...more

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Nov 05, 2010

Lisa rated it

This book is absolutely amazing. If you are a parent or if you work with children in any capacity, you need to read this book. It takes some of our conventional wisdom about kids and turns it on its ear. There are many things we take for granted as "the best way" to parent or talk to children, but when you look at the actual science behind what we are doing ---there is none. It turns out, what we are doing with all of the best intentions just might be dead wrong and leading to the o...more

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Oct 29, 2010

Analisa rated it

I was going to give this book 4 stars, until the last chapter (Conclusion).

I thought there were some interesting studies presented and helpful information shared. For instance: The more educational media the children (2-5 year-olds) watched, the more relationally aggressive they were--increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative. This was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression.

So the researchers started watching some of the “...moreI was going to give this book 4 stars, until the last chapter (Conclusion).

I thought there were some interesting studies presented and helpful information shared. For instance: The more educational media the children (2-5 year-olds) watched, the more relationally aggressive they were--increasingly bossy, controlling, and manipulative. This was stronger than the connection between violent media and physical aggression.

So the researchers started watching some of the “educational” programs. They found that relational aggression is modeled at a fairly high rate. Many educational shows spend most of the ½ hour establishing a conflict between characters and only a few minutes resolving that conflict. Younger children (especially) see the behavior modeled for 25 minutes one way and 5 minutes another—which do they remember and model themselves? Arthur may be more dangerous for children than Power Rangers.

But then, my turn-off came in their Conclusions: we need to remember that adults and children do not react the same way in all situations. In other words, what works and is good for adults may not work or be good for children. I was ok with that. But then they said that “positive traits [don’t] necessarily oppose and ward off negative behavior” (page 238). That may be true, but then they go on to explain that traits we normally would think of as bad, can be good. For instance, “a child’s dishonesty was a sign of intelligence and social savvy…Teens’ deception was almost a necessary part of developing one’s adolescent identity…Empathy may be evil’s best tool: the popular kids are the ones who are the best at reading their friends—and using that perception for their gain” (page 238).

I disagree. If being dishonest means my kids are “smarter,” I don’t want them to be “smarter.” Teens don’t “need” to be deceptive to develop an identity. Empathy is a good thing, but not when used to manipulate others…and if that is what it takes to be popular, I don’t want my kids to be popular (not just for that reason!). And I don’t believe these things are what the studies showed. I guess it just shows that science is objective!(less)

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About Po Bronson

Po Bronson has built a career both as a successful novelist and as a prominent writer of narrative nonfiction. He has published five books, and he has written for television, magazines, and newspapers, including Time, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, and for National Public Radio's Morning Edition. Currently he is writing regularly for New York magazine in the United States and for...more

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“educational television had a dramatic effect on relational aggression. The more the kids watched, the crueler they’d be to their classmates. This correlation was 2.5 times higher than the correlation between violent media and physical aggression.” — 1 person liked it

“In studies where Cummings has parents make a note of every argument, no matter how small or large, the typical married couple was having about eight disputes each day, according to the moms. (According to the dads, it was slightly less.)” — 1 person liked it

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