You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives

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You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives

by Deborah Tannen

3.10 · rating details · 232 ratings · 75 reviews

Conversations between sisters reveal a deep and constant tug between two dynamics—an impulse toward closeness and an impulse toward competition. It takes just a word from your sister to start you laughing, or to summon up a past you both share. But it also takes just a word to send you into an emotional tailspin. For many women, a sister is both a devoted friend and a fier...more

Hardcover, 288 pages

Published September 8th 2009 by Random House

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May 07, 2011

Dawn H rated it

So far, not the best work on the subject of sister communication, but I will finish it to see if additional insights unfold. Some interesting case studies could pique the interest of women with sisters and testimonials abound, but there's just not enough objectivity as I would expect from this scholar.

However, Tannen's effort still deserves respect as she takes on this daunting task. It's a bit more than anyone could expect in a single volume on the subject of "sisters in con...more

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Sep 15, 2010

Nancy rated it

I had hoped for more from Deborah Tannen's latest foray into the hidden messages we convey in conversation. While I enjoy Tannen's ideas and writing style, I found this book disorganized; I had to keept rechecking the table of contents to see which section I was reading. Was it about older sisters? Wait, then why does she keep talking about younger sisters? With each new section, I hoped for a new, organized set of insights; instead it seemed like she kept saying the same things over and ove...more

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Jan 05, 2010

Carin rated it

· review of another edition

Shelves: psychology, audio-books, women-authors

The holidays are always rough. As Sally says in "When Harry Met Sally": “A lot of suicides.” And while family is supposed to make things better, they can often make things worse. I have two younger sisters, and we’ve had difficult relationships at times. (We get along currently and I’d like things to stay that way.) So in preparation for Christmas, I downloaded Deborah Tannen’s You Were Always Mom’s Favorite! (do I even need to give you the subtitle? That title is so perfect, you’ve go...moreThe holidays are always rough. As Sally says in "When Harry Met Sally": “A lot of suicides.” And while family is supposed to make things better, they can often make things worse. I have two younger sisters, and we’ve had difficult relationships at times. (We get along currently and I’d like things to stay that way.) So in preparation for Christmas, I downloaded Deborah Tannen’s You Were Always Mom’s Favorite! (do I even need to give you the subtitle? That title is so perfect, you’ve got to already know it’s about sisters. But if you insist, it is: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives.) I listened to it on the way to my sister’s house, and on the way home (I will be seeing them again this weekend). Deborah Tannen is an academic so this is backed with real research, but she’s great at writing for a general audience and giving concrete examples. And she’s also a youngest sister. She’s done hundreds of interviews with sisters (why no brothers? Because they don’t talk to each other or to their sisters, and it’s hard to have communication issues when there’s no communication. You don’t have to like it, but that’s how things are.)

It’s been absolutely fascinating. For instance, it never occurred to me when I went away to college that younger sisters can see that as a “decision” that I had control over (it was absolutely assumed I was going to college and I really didn’t think I had a choice. And as for going away, my father was angry I went to a college “only” 400 miles away as he wanted me to experience life in another part of the country.) And I also didn’t realize that this “decision” impacted them. The family dynamics were different when I was gone. And even more so on the youngest sister when the middle sister left too. So sometimes the youngest child can be resentful of the oldest ones going away, but the older kids don’t necessarily have any idea why the younger is mad. (Would this explain why my youngest sister went as far away as geographically possible in the continental US?) Ms. Tannen herself felt abandoned by her older sisters when they went off to college and got married.

She also talks about the confluence of “competition” and “comparison” (what is more often the latter often sometimes gets confused with the former.) For instance, one thing that marginalizes the younger children is when people meet two sisters for the first time they’ll usually ask “who’s older?” Never “who’s younger?” By default that implies that “older” is what you want to be and therefore is better. Makes perfect sense although again, had never occurred to me before.

Another potential issue she brings up is that frequently when there are more than 2 sisters, the last sister is always assumed to have been conceived in hopes of having a boy. Many youngest sisters report that is normally the first question they are asked when their family is explained: “Did your parents wish you were a boy?” No one means to be hurtful in saying that but we should all watch what we say. (For the record, no, my parents actually didn’t want a boy when my youngest sister was born.)

While I lived in New York I was in therapy for a bit (everyone was. It’s THE thing to do in New York) and I learned that often just understanding where other people are coming from helps a relationship immensely. It affects the dynamic and when you change how you relate to people, suddenly you stop having the same disagreements. Now I’m not claiming this book fixed everything and my sisters and I will never exchange a cross word again, but it was enlightening. And I particularly feel vindicated when Ms. Tannen says after all her research, she is now very sympathetic and understanding to the plight of oldest sisters.

Ms. Tannen is an adequate narrator, but she runs things together at times so it’s hard to know when there’s a new chapter or a section break or if what she just read is a section header. I do like listening to books read by the author, but occasionally it can be obvious this person isn’t a professional reader.

I have been talking about this book for days to anyone who will listen. It is truly fascinating, particularly for anyone who has a sister.(less)

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Sep 19, 2009

Tanya rated it

Shelves: general-non-fiction

As the oldest of four sisters (and a brother) I was interested to hear what Tannen had to say. I recognized myself in so many of her stories, and found myself wanting to talk to my mom and sisters as I went through the book. "Did you feel like that?" "Can you see now why I would act that way?" and so forth. There was one paragraph that for me encapsulated the conflicts I've had with my sisters, past and present:

"Sisters are inescapably in competition even...moreAs the oldest of four sisters (and a brother) I was interested to hear what Tannen had to say. I recognized myself in so many of her stories, and found myself wanting to talk to my mom and sisters as I went through the book. "Did you feel like that?" "Can you see now why I would act that way?" and so forth. There was one paragraph that for me encapsulated the conflicts I've had with my sisters, past and present:

"Sisters are inescapably in competition even as they are companions traveling down the same road. I used to say to my parents, with a glimmer of humor, that they obviously meant more to me than I did to them because they had three daughters, but I only had one mother and one father. Though I said this with a smile, it was true: All my filial devotion and love went to them, whereas their parental care had to be distributed among three children. In families with more than one child, each additional child necessarily limits the available resources - time and attention as well as money. Limited resources make competition inevitable, and whenever there is competition it makes sense to try to weaken or even eliminate rivals."

And then later in the book, "That is what all the comparisons come down to: Who is more deserving of the ultimate resource, parents' love?"

Tannen's study helped me better understand my own behavior toward my sisters. So many of her examples hit home - noticing how many pictures mom has displayed of whom, being hyper-aware of money spent on siblings (not because I need the money, but because it seems representative of parental love and attention), feeling left out when other sisters demonstrate alliances of which I am not a part, trying to align myself with my mother in her parenting role by criticizing my younger sister's behavior, and then feeling betrayed when instead mom aligned with her, recognizing myself as both the judgmental and the protecting oldest sister... I could go on and on. I hope this heightened awareness can help me improve my mostly-good relationships with the wonderful women who are my sisters.

All in all, I think this is a must-read for all sisters, mothers of sisters, or anyone for whom a sister-relationship is important in life.(less)

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Feb 13, 2010

Alice rated it

I reread this book, since it was 2 months that I first read some chapters. I wanted to refresh my memory since we are discussing this book. She had some good stories about sisters, but I found that it didn`t pertain to our family that much. My sisters and I were spaced apart by many years, so that could say that we were raised like only childs.
Chapter 2, We`re close but we`re different was my favorite chapter. The section titled Lost Sisters, lost selves brought back the most memories, s...more

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Jan 02, 2010

Dwhren rated it

This book was pretty interesting for anyone who grew up with a sister I think. I'm not sure how much you would get out of it if you didn't. The author is a linguist who used her training in human interaction to research the relationships between sisters. She used her own experiences with her own two sisters plus the relationships between sisters from around the world to illustrate her points. There of course many things I could relate to in my relationship with my own sister, but also many o...more

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Jan 10, 2011

Jeannine rated it

· review of another edition

This was an extremely enjoyable read and it presents a very interesting and different perspective on relationships between sisters by looking at language and culture. I believe that anyone who has a sister can identify with any one of the situations that the author presents through her research. Coming from someone who is not only one of 6 sisters, but who is the fifth of 6 sisters (my twin sister is the youngest), I could identify a great deal with a lot of Deborah Tannen's research findings....more

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Feb 23, 2010

Laura rated it

This book took me forever to get through. While she offers some interesting analysis on sister (and family) relationships, the book reads like a Communications textbook. Her writing style is very dry, and I wished her anecdotes had been more conversational, and that she had given us more background on the speakers.

On the plus side, I liked that she was subjective - she just presented her analysis, but didn't really project her own opinions on the work.

I'm looking forwar...more

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Apr 12, 2010

Eliza rated it

Neal A. Maxwell quoted another author once that "We learn to cope with the people of this world because we learn to cope with the members of our family." I thought of that as I read this book.

I recommend this book to any woman who has sisters. I enjoyed D. Tannen's most recent book as well--"You're Wearing THAT?" (about mother-daughter relationships)--and this one is in the same vein. She listens in on various sister-sister conversations, whether reported secondha...more

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Dec 24, 2009

Leslie rated it

Shelves: help-lit, learned-something-lit

The title doesn't quite fit - thankfully, it's all about sisters' relationships, the heirarchy, the connections, the competition, how the parents play into it, how the relationships often stay the same, etc. The stories are so relatable - I kept thinking of my family and my friends' too. The author interviewed and analyzed many sister relationships and situations, including her own. Some of the anecdotes are wacky, but most of the situations described seem mundane (which sometimes felt a little ...more

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Oct 19, 2010

Rebecca rated it

I liked this one better than the other book on sister relationships that I recently read. The writing was less dense and less jargon-heavy, and the examples were good. I'm not sure the "sisters in conversation" subtitle is quite accurate, though, since I didn't feel like it was really an analysis of the *language* sisters use with each other. It was more psychology than linguistics, I felt, focused on women's attitudes and biases but not really getting at those things via their words a...more

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Feb 12, 2010

Patty rated it

Recommended to Patty by: galanski book discussion

Shelves: non-fiction, readin10

I didn't really read this book. I skimmed through and picked out the chapters or parts that I thought were interesting. I don't have a sister but wanted to participate in an extended-family book discussion. I am a sister though and know many sisters. I think there is much in this book that could be helpful.

Deborah Tannen is a Professor of Linguistics and she helped me understand, once again, that it's not so much what you say but how you say it. I thought the stories that Tannen...more

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Jun 07, 2010

Don rated it

A somewhat interesting book about the way sisters talk and relate to each other throughout their lives. It got rather repetitive and boring as it went on, mainly because it's really just that: how they do it. There aren't any solutions offered in the myriad problems, concerns, or issues that come up. But, I guess that's the point; Tannen is simply relaying what she's observed. Yeeha. Maybe it would have been more interesting to read it from a sister's point of view.

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May 11, 2010

Katie Christian rated it

I feel I was misled about the platform of this book. I thought it would be a memoir or book of anecdotes on the author and her stories growing up with her sisters. This is an odd psychology book on the relationships between sisters. I will grant you, there were a few amusing stories, but after each story the author picked them apart like a rabid psychoanalyst. I love my sister and we have a great realtionship, but I frankly couldn't wait for this book to end.

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Jan 04, 2010

Janice rated it

I admit that I skimmed this book looking for particular connections, but found few. It was not what I expected so I was able to "read" it rapidly. One thing that I found worth pondering was that when there are three people together, one will always feel left out. Whether it be sisters, brothers, friends, etc. I will try to remember that when in that situation and hopefully make all feel connected.

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Nov 09, 2009

Nell rated it

Shelves: nonfiction

Tannen's premise of what people are really expressing when they talk depends on many social factors, applied specifically to sisters. Interesting, though I don't know that I gained a lot of insight into the relationship between my younger sister and me--which I had believed to be as close and satisfying to her as it is to me, but perhaps I should listen more closely the next time we talk.

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Jun 28, 2011

Stephanie rated it

· review of another edition

What an incredible book! I don't even have a sister and I was able to relate to it. This was a great read that kept me interested the whole time. If you are looking for an interesting, informative book then this is the book for you. Deborah Tannen brings real life scenarios to a whole new level! I look forward to reading many other books by her as well!

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Mar 24, 2010

Kari rated it

The book was all over the place. (You might get along with your sister or you might not talk at all, you might like to converse by arguing or you might not like to argue at all, you might have similar political views or you might not, etc.) Most of the book was self-evident to me. It just didn't have any real advice.

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May 06, 2011

Erin rated it

As someone who has many sisters, I am curious if this book will offer any insight about sisters' relationships and communication.

I can't decide if I would give this 2 or 3 stars. It described interactions and relationships between sisters, many of which I could at least partially relate to, but I was expecting her to give advice, solve problems or offer a new thesis or something...

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Jul 19, 2010

Jennifer rated it

Shelves: tried-to-read-but-stopped-reading-i

I borrowed this book from the library because I thought it was anecdotes and short stories about sisters. Since I am the oldest of three girls, this was of great interest to me. Unfortunately, I didn't get more than 50 pages into the book, which was more of a clinical study of sisters and their relationships, peppered too infrequently with stories from real life sisters. While this book may make for a good text in a college psychology course, it was a bit too clinical for casual reading.

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Mar 20, 2010

Marie rated it

I didn't learn anything from this book. Well, I learned that for every sister out there with a problem, there is another sister out there who doesn't agree. So if you want to know if other sisters have the same problems you have with your sister, don't bother reading this book. You do. End of story.

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Oct 19, 2009

Nicole rated it

Recommended to Nicole by: NPR

I think I was expecting a few less stories and a lot more insight from this book. Maybe it's just that I didn't want to pay for a therapist, but I could've used a little more psycho-babble to help me understand my own relationship with my sister, and this one just didn't offer much except gentle stories from the author's own (good) relationships with her own sisters. So it's definitely not all bad, but not the manual I was looking for to traverse the rocky relationship I have with my own sister....more

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Jun 27, 2011

Alisonwinkler rated it

· review of another edition

"She stole it from me" describes this book to a "T". I thought this book was a great way to understand sisters and see that we are not the only ones out there that go through these things. This book brought back many memories and made me realize the unique relationship me and my sister truly have.

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May 23, 2011

Ketti rated it

If you have sisters...and I have 3....you should read this book. I listened to it on cd, it was so interesting. Deborah Tannen is one smart lady. This is a self-help book but she's really not telling you what to do or what to change, she simply tells what is! btw - I am not mom's favorite :)

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Mar 29, 2011

Alicia rated it

A wonderful insight into the conversations of women and, in particular, sisters. From oldest to youngest, with every combination of sisters and siblings in between, what sisters say and what sisters hear isn't always the same or what is expected. A very interesting look into family life.

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Dec 23, 2009

Robin rated it

Shelves: for-grown-ups, non-fic

So, for some reason, I'm thinking this book will be funny.

Reading this book makes me wish Deborah Tannen were someone I knew personally. She writes of her interviewees, her graduate students, and her sisters with kindness and admiration, even when being honest about the myriad ways we all behave badly.

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Nov 06, 2009

Beth Nieman rated it

Recommends it for: women with sisters

A must-read for sisters everywhere. Explains the complex relationships sisters share and talks about why sisters do and don't get along, as well as exploring the idea that the way we see ourselves as people has a lot to do with how we see ourselves in relation to our sisters.

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Oct 08, 2010

Penny rated it

Shelves: non-fiction

Although I don't have a sister myself, as a mom of daughters I found this quite interesting. However, about half way through I felt it was getting somewhat repetitive - the book could have been shorter and still covered the same ground.

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Jan 12, 2011

Gail rated it

I actually finished this book just before Thanksgiving. If you are going to read a book about sisters, reading it while a bunch of sisters are planning a long-distance Thanksgiving dinner is definitely the way to go. Tannen's work, of course, is pop psychology, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have some recognition points.

I am in the middle of 5 sisters...two older and two younger. One brother (older) is also in the mix. I have always thought of myself as a middle child, which I...more

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Jun 09, 2010

Kelly M. rated it

I loved it! It was super interesting to think about my own younger sister, and how our interactions have changed and moved around throughout life. It also opened my eyes to other relationships I have - with aunts and my mom and dad especially.

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About Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the...moreDeborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.

Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.

In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.

Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre. (less)

More about Deborah Tannen...

Books by Deborah Tannen

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation

Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work

I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives

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