Marriage and Other Acts of Charity: A Memoir by Kate Braestrup

Jul 12, 2012 Jaci rated it 4 of 5 stars

Kate Braestrup is a Unitarian Universalist chaplain with the Maine warden service. Widowed and left with three small children, her memoir considers commitment and marriage with humor and faith. Quick, enjoyable read.
p.105: "So what was true for me and true for you remained true for Mary Magdalene, even after she learned how to love him, even after his resurrection from the dead: We can't have our dear dead ones back, not as they were, not as we loved them. It isn't the beloved that resurrects. I...more

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Mar 18, 2011 Angelina rated it 3 of 5 stars

Rev. Kate's latest book is also my least favorite, which is to say, I think she may need to find some new material, and I am a little raw from the feelings it stirred up.

I still love her conversational style, her message of love and acceptance, and the way she embraces her faults. I liked the addition of the Q & A section, and, as with the first two books, I reached the end with a burning desire to be better, love more, and accept the ones I love for the treasures they are.

That said, I've n...more Rev. Kate's latest book is also my least favorite, which is to say, I think she may need to find some new material, and I am a little raw from the feelings it stirred up.

I still love her conversational style, her message of love and acceptance, and the way she embraces her faults. I liked the addition of the Q & A section, and, as with the first two books, I reached the end with a burning desire to be better, love more, and accept the ones I love for the treasures they are.

That said, I've now read the same anecdote three times in very similar ways. Sure, some people will be coming to her for the first time, but for those of us who are serial readers, it drags.

This book, on some level, was also difficult to read because it hit too close to home. Her previous two books were about loss and grief. At 30, I've yet to experience the loss of someone dear and hear to my heart (Thanks be to God).

But this book was about love and marriage. And as I turned the pages, I saw the fights I dug into that I should have walked away from. I saw the fights I didn't have that I should have made a stand for. I saw the inherent value in my last marriage, that I could have done more to salvage it, and that I deeply wounded a man that, at one point, I had promised my lasting loyalty to. I saw the pain of walking away when the heart hasn't yet let go, the gentle release when you finally allow yourself to move on, and paper cuts of emotional pain when my daughter pleads with me to stay by her side.

I saw the whirlwind of passion that began my current marriage. The reckless, precious, magical run to the altar. The perfection of the wedding day surrounded and celebrated by the ones we love. The volatility of our arguments and the relative ease with which we reconcile. The pain of being apart and the joy of something as simple as sharing a story and a drink before dashing back to work. A marriage that is young and, at times, dysfunctional, but passionate and sincere in the love and respect it embodies. A marriage burdened by the baggage of the past and lightened by the promises of a future together, and secured in the determination that, this time, we'll do it right.

Which is a rambling confession that, once again, her words touched me, and, this time, left me raw.(less)

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Jan 28, 2011 Linda Lipko rated it 4 of 5 stars

I thoroughly enjoyed Braestrup's first book Here If You Need Me and hoped she would continue with the insightful and beautiful writing. I was not disappointed.

Braestrup is a Unitarian Universalist minister/chaplain who works with the Maine warden service. Tragicially, suddenly widowed in 1996 when her policeman husband was killed in an accident, she was left to raise four children from ages 3-9.

This latest book is a testimony of the difficulty of committed, loving relationships. Unflinchingly to...more

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Feb 24, 2010 Chelsea rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010, maine, memoir

I was not as impressed by this one as by Braestrup's first, but I still enjoyed the read.

I mentioned in my review of Here If You Need Me that one of the things I liked about it was that she didn't force a strong narrative, but rather let the story of losing her husband and becoming a chaplain flow naturally. She attempted the same style in this one, but it didn't work quite as well. The loss of her first husband was a strong unifying theme that was lacking in this one - marriage, as mentioned in...more

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Jul 11, 2011 Martha rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2011

I'm a big fan of Kate Braestrup's. We both live in Maine, but we've never met, despite some near misses and one email exchange. I'm looking forward to hearing her speak at a panel on marriage offered by Bangor Theological Seminary this fall. She'll present alongside Marvin Ellison, professor of Christian Ethics and author of "Same-Sex Marriage," which is on my "to read" list.
Not surprisingly, I approached a book on marriage cautiously. I've just been burned, and I must admit to feeling like a p...more I'm a big fan of Kate Braestrup's. We both live in Maine, but we've never met, despite some near misses and one email exchange. I'm looking forward to hearing her speak at a panel on marriage offered by Bangor Theological Seminary this fall. She'll present alongside Marvin Ellison, professor of Christian Ethics and author of "Same-Sex Marriage," which is on my "to read" list.
Not surprisingly, I approached a book on marriage cautiously. I've just been burned, and I must admit to feeling like a pretty massive failure after being divorced for the second time. I used to say I could grant anyone *one* mistake...but here I am after two, reading the book of a woman who loved and adored her late first husband and who has an apparently happy second marriage. And I recognize how hard I worked to tell the story of my second marriage as a happy one. Blog readers saw me doing it and if you caught the underlying angst, you were more honest about my life than I was with myself.
Braestrup's book, like "Here If You Need Me," weaves her personal story with her work as Chaplain for the Maine Warden Service along with stories from the Bible. I remember reading "Here" with delight in the summer of 2008, loving the way these pieces came together. Despite my initial qualms about the topic, I had similar feelings of delight reading this book.
I will say, it's pretty heteronormative. You have to wait to page 186 to get any mention of the relationships between same-sex couples. I guess that surprises me, because while she's living in the law enforcement world, she's also a Unitarian Universalist, and I would have expected her experiences to be a little broader. Perhaps because it's outside her experience, she doesn't feel she has the expertise? To be clear, she does speak in favor of gay marriage, although that explicit endorsement comes not in the body of the book but in a few questions she answers after even the Postlude.
Despite that caveat, which is really about my interest in what will happen around marriage equality here in Maine in the coming year (there's a hope to get it back on the ballot or in the legislature in 2012), I'm an enthusiast about Braestrup and highly recommend this funny, touching, readable book.(less)

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Mar 31, 2010 Bridget rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010-reads

I had wanted to read Kate Braestrup's earlier book, "Here If You Need Me," after seeing her interviewed on several TV shows shortly after it was published. But, being me, I never thought of looking for it when I went to the library or bookstore.

So when I saw this book at the library, I decided to give it a go. This is Braestrup's stories and musings not just about marriage, but about what love is - all types of love, not just married or romantic love. It's a series of vignettes, where each begi...more

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Apr 22, 2010 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I listened to the audiobook read by the author. Kate Braestrup's gentle, reassuring voice tells the story of her first marriage and what happened after.
Near the end of the book Braestrup repeats something her father told her: If an experience is good, it's good. If an experience is bad, it'll make a terrific story. That's what this memoir is. We hear the good but also the bad and how Braestrup came through the experiences. She is now the chaplain for the Maine Warden Service where she is called...more

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Feb 16, 2010 Alison rated it 4 of 5 stars

"'And you want us to actually say 'till death do us part'?" Melanie asked carefully.
..."Look at it this way," I said, "Being parted by death is actually your best-case scenario. Being parted by death is what happens if a marriage works.'"

Kate Braestrup is a minister and the Chaplain to the Maine Warden Service. Part of her duties as a minister is to perform weddings, and counsel those who wish to be married. Using her experiences from her own marriage, and conversations with couples she counsels...more

"'And you want us to actually say 'till death do us part'?" Melanie asked carefully.
..."Look at it this way," I said, "Being parted by death is actually your best-case scenario. Being parted by death is what happens if a marriage works.'"

Kate Braestrup is a minister and the Chaplain to the Maine Warden Service. Part of her duties as a minister is to perform weddings, and counsel those who wish to be married. Using her experiences from her own marriage, and conversations with couples she counsels, she passes on her wisdom in her memoir entitled Marriage and Other Acts of Charity.

The above quote is one of my favorites from the book. It was only one of many special little moments where I had to put the book down and ponder what I had just read. Of course, when someone is twenty-four years old, the line "'till death do us part" sounds positively morbid; but when someone of thirty-five or forty, with ten years of marriage behind them, reads this part of the traditional wedding vows, a light bulb goes on. Aha! 'Til death do us part = a successful marriage.

In a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce, it's nice to see there are people publishing books like Marriage and Other Acts of Charity - a book that roots for marriage, wants them to work, and admits that marriage is hard. Relying on faith and those pesky traditional vows of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health," Braestrup brings us through her memoir in hopes to finding us enlightened on the other side.

This was a memoir first, and a statement of faith second. Even if you are not religious, you still have much to take away from this book. I am currently rediscovering my faith and my religion, so I easily connected with the Christian-based message of Marriage and Other Acts of Charity. I didn't always agree wholeheartedly with Kate Braestrup, but she was both convincing and passionate regarding her beliefs in God, marriage, and family.

Above everything else, Kate Braestrup is a wonderful storyteller, taking on the seriousness of marriage, motherhood, God and grief, but does so with humor, compassion, and grace.
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Jan 22, 2010 MattA rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: essay, biography-memoir, left-unfinished

Kate Braestrup is a talented author. I enjoyed the her previous book of essays, Here If You Need Me, but this effort was wanting. The title indicates a focus on marriage, but I found the book's direction to be meandering at best. In theory a meandering direction isn't fatal to a book's readability, but there generally has to be some thread of continuity, and this book didn't seem to have one. Even within chapters the style was disconnected, with passages several paragraphs long being inserted se...more

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Apr 03, 2012 Victoria rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

I loved Braestrup's first memoir so much that I had to pick this one up, despite the title (which didn't and doesn't appeal to me).

Marriage and Other Acts of Charity doesn't begin to hold up to the brilliance of Here If You Need Me: A True Story, but it's still a pleasurable read, full of gems that made me laugh and the occasional insight. The lack of plot coherency that troubled me in the second half of Here If You Need Me is endemic here; the story gets fragmentary at times, leaving me uncerta...more

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May 06, 2010 Adele Stratton rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: audiobooks

(Audioversion.) Okay I’ve just become a big Braestrup fan. This is one I got from the library that I’m going to buy in print and re-read. Listening to her was like sitting down with a wonderful friend. I read her first memoir when it came out and liked it well enough. This one adds to that, it is really a gem. Read by the author, you really get a feel for how tender, thoughtful and connected she is, as she tells in bits and pieces how she is haphazardly going on with her life as the mother of fo...more

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Mar 12, 2010 Bridget rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Kate is constantly telling the couples remember their wedding vows and love each other even when it isn't easy. She is an ordained minister and wants to let everyone know that there are three different kinds of love.

Kate has known her own marital heartache, mourning her husband who was killed in a car crash. Her marriage wasn't perfect, she and her husband actually went to a marriage counselor. Sometimes you need someone on the outside looking in to give you a clearer picture of your relationshi...more

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May 20, 2010 Danielle rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: did-not-finish, memoir, non-fiction

This didn't live up to the praise that was heaped on the author for her previous memoir, Here if You Need Me. It was okay, and may be great for you if you're underappreciating your spouse, or not realizing that love in any relationship is the true source of joy in this life, but this book was far from offering any life-altering revelations that might make it worth the read. I was particularly put off by her version of christianity (with a lower-case 'c'), which embodied the scripture "Having a f...more

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Nov 27, 2011 Sylvia Stocker rated it 3 of 5 stars

Braestrup has an engaging writing style and message, not to mention a good sense of humor. But sometimes, especially towards the end of the book, I got kind of tired of her talking about herself so much. I realize the book is a memoir, but still. Also, I felt a wee bit uncomfortable about her writing so many stories about her children, who have to be in the world along with everyone else, and who might appreciate a bit more anonymity. (I would, if I were her child.) It's the same dilemma I have...more

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Feb 12, 2010 Betty410 rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really liked Kate's first memoir (and you should read it first)"Here if you need me" which sets the scene for this one which comes next in her life. She writes from personal experience as well as that from the heart of a Unitarian and Chaplain to the Maine Warden Service (where she consouls the men of the Forest service)
In the first book she becomes a widow with 4 children and becomes a minister and in this one she remarries a man wiht 2 children so there is a lot of reference to the woes and...more

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Feb 01, 2011 Jacqie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Here's my review from my other incarnation as Old Firehouse Books:

Read this one for our February nonfiction book club. I think this will be a good discussion book, although I had mixed feelings on it. What made me think: the idea that what is most important to you is your version of God, what marriage vows really mean, the idea that ALL relationships will end, one way or the other.
I found the author to be a bit inauthentically self-deprecating. I didn't end up liking her much. Maybe a bit too he...more

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Jan 13, 2010 Charlotte rated it 5 of 5 stars

I want to be Kate Braestrup's friend. At the very least I want to sit at her feet and listen to her talk for hours upon end. Her kindness, her compassion, her humanity resonates through every word of her new book, Marriage, and Other Acts of Charity. Which, by the way, is the perfect book for Newlyweds to read.

In Kate's (yes, I feel comfortable enough to call the author by her first name) first book, Here If You Need Me you get to see her inner strength as she talks about her journey after the d...more

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May 16, 2013 Carol added it

I loved Kate Braestrup's 'Here if You Need Me'. 'Marriage and Other Acts of Charity' covers much of the same ground as her first book: Braestrup's unique experiences as a young widow and mother of four who has an unusual job as a Unitarian Universalist chaplain in the Maine Warden Service. She continuea her memoir to include her remarriage, and the challenges of blending two families. Her thoughts about marriage and love are touching and well-expressed. I especially enjoyed her lesson on sex to...more

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Dec 28, 2010 Karendale2 rated it 5 of 5 stars

Wow, I thought the book was going to be about marriage and it was, but there was a lot of other good stuff. I listened to this as a CD audio book narrated by the author.

Kate is a Chaplain with the Maine warden patrol. So the focus is religion but in a benign way. The spirit of her life, the life of her children,her husband who died too soon, and her subsequent relationship with Simeon

There are many poignant observations in the small details of life. I remember thinking why I am drawn to memoirs...more

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Jan 31, 2011 Old Firehouse Books rated it 3 of 5 stars

Read this one for our February nonfiction book club. I think this will be a good discussion book, although I had mixed feelings on it. What made me think: the idea that what is most important to you is your version of God, what marriage vows really mean, the idea that ALL relationships will end, one way or the other.
I found the author to be a bit inauthentically self-deprecating. I didn't end up liking her much. Maybe a bit too heavy on the religious angle.
And although she did hit some of the m...more

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Jun 22, 2010 Catherine rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2010, mainstream-us, spirit

I love this book - love the humor and kindness that radiates from every page, and love that in Braestrup's hands something as specific as the concept of marriage becomes a means to enter into a much larger discussion of what love is and means in human society. I relish Braestrup's honestly - that she details her own fears, the epic fights she had with her own husband, and has a sense of humor about her college know-it-all-ness - because I see so much of myself in her descriptions of being young...more

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Jul 08, 2010 Kerry rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: own, arc

Not the most moving or gripping of memoirs available, but one with enough insight, humor and poignancy to make it worth the read. Any pastor that can write with such honesty about her own beliefs, struggles, successes and failures should be praised, and if reading about Braestrup's mission to "love more" can convince just one person to be just a little bit kinder, than I believe she would think her mission complete.

Read the full review at Entomology of a Bookworm

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Apr 22, 2010 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: giveaway-win, audiobook

I listened to the audiobook read by the author. Kate Braestrup's gentle, reassuring voice tells the story of her first marriage and what happened after.
Near the end of the book Braestrup repeats something her father told her: If an experience is good, it's good. If an experience is bad, it'll make a terrific story. That's what this memoir is. We hear the good but also the bad and how Braestrup came through the experiences. She is now the chaplain for the Maine Warden Service where she is called...more

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May 18, 2010 Sonja Reid rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

This set of short biographical essay are concerned with difficulties of loving those whom we are with on a daily basis, and what comfort she has taken in spirituality in both this daily struggle and in the time after she was widowed. Braestrup seems to be a less wacky version of Anne Lamott: there's a certain messiness to her life that is both appealing and humorous while at the same time making me feel more together than I probably should. Occasional very interesting points of insight, but a lo...more

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May 21, 2010 Heidi rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites

This book had a profound affect on me. Kate is very easy to relate with... I feel like she's someone I would enjoy sitting around with sharing a cup of coffee. Not Starbucks. The kind of coffee that is brewed in the shop, as in the big tin shed the DNR guys hang out in. As I read, I kept thinking that her thoughts, ideas, and views were so similar to mind, if not exactly mine. Religion - she's right on from my perspective and has such a fabulous way of writing about the necessity of love. Love t...more

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Jun 01, 2010 Soonhar rated it 3 of 5 stars

Braestrup wrote the NYT bestseller Here If You Need Me after the death of her Maine warden husband; her essays of faith, hope and family dealt withhow she coped with her loss. In Marriage and Other Acts of Charity, Braestrup (a Unitarian Universalist chaplain for the Maine Warden Service) follows up with stories of love, including hers that led to her marrying again. I did not read Here If You Need Me but I can imagine it. Braestrup's writing voice is pretty distinctive and it's OK but it's not...more

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May 24, 2010 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, memoir

From My Blog...[return][return]Marriage, mother-adult child relationships, parenting and friendship are a few touchstones in Kate Braestrup's memoir Marriage and Other Acts of Charity. As a minister, Kate has the pleasure to meet with a lot of couples prior to marriage and has learned a lot about love and marriage over the years. According to Kate her desire to minister and her knowledge of marriage stemmed from her first marriage. Drew and Kate loved each other and yet had difficulty communicat...more From My Blog...[return][return]Marriage, mother-adult child relationships, parenting and friendship are a few touchstones in Kate Braestrup's memoir Marriage and Other Acts of Charity. As a minister, Kate has the pleasure to meet with a lot of couples prior to marriage and has learned a lot about love and marriage over the years. According to Kate her desire to minister and her knowledge of marriage stemmed from her first marriage. Drew and Kate loved each other and yet had difficulty communicating their frustrations and fears with one another, which is not uncommon and they were wise enough to seek out counseling. His job as a police officer placed a heavy strain on both of them, causing misplaced anger. During counseling sessions Kate claimed everything was Drew's fault while all her actions were accounted for. What she was not admitting was her love for her husband and the fact she was terrified he would die on the job, instead hiding these fears in anger. Fortunately Kate and Drew managed to change their marriage around before he was killed. Marriage and Other Acts of Kindness is a memoir of her marriage, the good and not so good times, interspersed with relevant quotes ranging from philosophers to the Bible. Kate's memoir does not end with the death of her husband Drew, rather in a way it is a new beginning as Kate becomes an ordained minister and chooses to write openly about the issues that arose after the wedding. Kate gives clear examples of behaviours and when they are good and not so good. Anger for example can come in handy when protecting our young, and unhealthy when misplaced, such as screaming at a loved one because the library closed before they could get there. Kate speaks lovingly of her four children, family, friends and her ministry. While Kate is indeed an ordained minister, her book, Marriage and Other Acts of Charity, is neither preachy nor over the top, but rather an honest, down to earth and witty memoir about the trying times and the joys that came from those times in Kate's life, which she seamlessly weaves into modern day examples of the gospels. One example would be the Valedictorian speech her friend's son made denouncing his family and declaring his true family was Pink Floyd. Kate speaks of her personal life, her marriages, being a widower and returning to the dating scene. Marriage and Other Acts of Charity is a well written and beautiful memoir gently reminding the reader not to take life too seriously or for granted. I found the memoir to be beautiful, uplifting and filled with life lessons and guidance. I would highly recommend Marriage and Other Acts of Charity to any reader, especially those considering marriage(less)

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Jun 09, 2010 JaNeise rated it 3 of 5 stars

An interesting, maybe a little quirky, non-member perspective on marriage. It had a couple of powerful and thought provoking moments. A couple of quotes that I found meaningful: "If you are intent on becoming a truly loving person, learn to aplogize. Love means having to say you're sorry over, and over and over....."

"Love more. Start with your siblings, or your spouse, or your parents, but don't stop there. Love whoever needs what you have; love the ones who have been placed in your path."

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May 25, 2011 Carolyn rated it 4 of 5 stars

Definitely not another tedious discussion of relationships and spirituality, although both are explored. Braestrup confronts difficult & heartwrenching events with humor and understanding. I laughed and cried at her stories. One of my favorite parts: a look at the ability of teenage children to completely dismiss the importance of their parents. Even Jesus did it - and she backs that up with scripture. Another highlight: her sex ed class in her children's middle school. Just imagine!

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Aug 16, 2010 Mary Frances rated it 5 of 5 stars

I found this book surprisingly meaningful and thoughtful, from a woman who overcame her sorrow at being widowed young and became a minister and chaplain. Got it from the library but will buy for my counseling and spiritual "bookshelves" . She has a lot to say about the meaning of marriage and love, and I was moved and also wish I were in Maine so I could become a friend of the author. Her insights about what makes marriages work or fail, about men, about the way women love, and about spirit, all...more

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