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What I Thought I Knew: A Memoir

3.64 of 5 stars 3.64 · rating details · 1,344 ratings · 303 reviews

A personal and medical odyssey beyond anything most women would believe possible

At age forty-four, Alice Eve Cohen was happy for the first time in years. After a difficult divorce, she was engaged to an inspiring man, joyfully raising her adopted daughter, and her career was blossoming. Alice tells her fiancé that she's never been happier. And then the stomach pains begin....more

Hardcover, 208 pages

Published July 9th 2009 by Viking Adult (first published April 4th 2009)

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Jun 24, 2011 Jill rated it 4 of 5 stars

So you’re 44 years old and this is what you know: your life is looking pretty darn good, at long last. You’re getting married in a few months to an all-around great guy, your adopted daughter is thriving, your career is more and more satisfying. Except or this large, hard lump in your abdomen, things are really looking up.

But that lump does not go away. In fact, it gets bigger. You are anemic, depressed, and more than a little worried about cancer, since you’re a DES daughter. Your gynecologist...more So you’re 44 years old and this is what you know: your life is looking pretty darn good, at long last. You’re getting married in a few months to an all-around great guy, your adopted daughter is thriving, your career is more and more satisfying. Except or this large, hard lump in your abdomen, things are really looking up.

But that lump does not go away. In fact, it gets bigger. You are anemic, depressed, and more than a little worried about cancer, since you’re a DES daughter. Your gynecologist assures you that everything is fine.

And then you get the word that you are pregnant. Six months pregnant. Which, you think, is an impossibility since you were told you were infertile and likely in menopause.

This is the scenario that Alice Eve Cohen faced. By profession, Alice is a solo story performer, and she does what comes naturally – she tells a story. And what a story it is.

Her insurance plan, predictably, sucks. No high-risk obstetrician wants to take her on since Oxford Liberty pays so little and so late. Since she IS a DES daughter, her cervix is likely to dilate early… plus, at her age, 75% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Oh yes, and she has a deformed uterus, no prenatal care (in fact, she was on heavy hormones) and a definitely ambivalent attitude about carrying to term. At six months, termination of the pregnancy is challenging and yet there’s a good chance the baby might have major issues. Urggghhh!

Alice Eve Cohen’s story veers from a black comedy to a Kafka-type nightmare. She doesn’t try to pretty it up. Even those of us who are pro-choice will wince at her desire to end her pregnancy so late in the game, and precisely what that entails. Her inability to feel love for the fetus – soon-to-be baby – is in direct contrast to the love she feels for her adopted daughter, and is fueled, the reader suspects, by her high-adrenalin fear of facing the unknown.

She’s besieged with doubts about what is loving and what is right. And she is forced to explore what it truly means to be a mother. It is biology? Unconditional love? Can a real mother’s love by conditional? Is she a real mother…if she doesn’t yet feel love, hopes it will awaken in her, and in the meantime gives us everything to protect the child?

Alice can be selfish. Temporarily insane. Infuriating! Yet her voice is authentic and candid and she doesn’t shy from describing exactly how it was – and is. As we take the journey through doubt and a broken medical assistance, we ultimately arrive with her at renewal. While not a literary masterpiece, I give it 5 stars because once started, it’s hard to tear oneself away from the trek.

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May 11, 2012 Victoria rated it 4 of 5 stars

Absolutely mesmerizing story. Couldn't put it down.

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Aug 30, 2011 Cheryl rated it 4 of 5 stars

Author, Alice Eve Cohen met her second husband, Michael at a conference. Michael is ten years Alice’s junior. Alice already had a daughter named Julia when she and Michael met. Things were looking up for Alice, when she received the biggest shock of her life…she is pregnant!

What I Thought I Knew is author, Alice Eve Cohen’s memoir into her life as a mother, wife and writer. I really liked this book more than I thought I would. I say this because memoirs are not typically my first book of choice....more

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Apr 14, 2012 Ciara rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: autobio-memoir, baby-pregnancy-infertility-parentin, feminist-y-books, read-in-2012

this is an amazingly intense memoir. when cohen was thirty years old & married to her first husband, she was having trouble conceiving. eventually she saw a doctor, who found that she had a bifurcated uterus & a serious hormone imbalance that had essentially plunged her into early menopause. she was prescribed estrogen to address the hormone issue, but she was told that she would never be able to get pregnant, & that if she did, she would never be able to carry a fetus to term. she &...more this is an amazingly intense memoir. when cohen was thirty years old & married to her first husband, she was having trouble conceiving. eventually she saw a doctor, who found that she had a bifurcated uterus & a serious hormone imbalance that had essentially plunged her into early menopause. she was prescribed estrogen to address the hormone issue, but she was told that she would never be able to get pregnant, & that if she did, she would never be able to carry a fetus to term. she & her husband accepted this diagnosis & wound up adopting a baby girl. eventually the marriage unravelled & a pitched custody battle ensued, which cohen won.

fast forward more than ten years. cohen has a new boyfriend who is considerably younger than she is, her daughter is transforming into a teenager, & cohen is supporting herself with freelance writing, performance art, & teaching. she visits her doctor when she misses her period & is informed that she is going into menopause for real. the doctor claims that this also explains cohen's expanding waistline & constant fatigue. but cohen becomes very concerned when she feels that her abdomen is hard. she's terrified that she has cancer, so she visits another doctor, who also thinks she probably has cancer, & sends her for an emergency MRI.

a growth appears on the MRI, but it's not a tumor--it's a fetus. cohen & her doctors are dumbfounded. she had taken a home pregnancy test after missing a third period, but it was negative. her regular ob-gyn had performed a pelvic exam a few months before & hadn't found anything unusual. & she had been told that she couldn't get pregnant--& the estrogen she was taking was supposed to prevent pregnancy as well. an ultrasound confirms the pregnancy & places cohen at 26 weeks--too late for anything but a late-term abortion, subject to all the legal restrictions.

cohen immediately wants to have an abortion. she sees a doctor who coaxes her into saying that she might commit suicide if she is forced to carry the pregnancy to term. she is referred to dr. tiller's clinic in wichita, but the fly in the ointment is that her boyfriend is more or less ecstatic about the pregnancy & informs cohen that he will leave her if she goes through with the abortion. she doesn't want to have a baby, but she wants to lose her boyfriend less. she cancels the appointment.

she struggles to find insurance coverage because she has a high-risk pregnancy. she's working with advanced maternal age, a bifurcated uterus, & a pregnancy that wasn't diagnosed until nearly the third trimester. as a freelance writer & performance artist, her insurance coverage isn't great, & she can't afford to pay a high-risk specialist out of pocket. things get more complicated when cohen is informed that the fetus is genetically female but anatomically male--a result of having been bathed in high-dose estrogen replacement pills for the first 26 weeks of the pregnancy. cohen is terrified of other potential defects as well, & the risk of giving birth to a pre-term infant & all the health complications that can involve. & as the pregnancy progresses, it takes a serious toll on cohen's health as well. she is put on bed rest & can no longer work.

the bed rest enables cohen to carry the baby almost to term, & stopping the estrogen pills reverses the genital abnormalities. but when the baby is born, she does have a rare birth defect in which one half of her body is smaller than the other half. the treatment she needs includes surgeries, occupational therapists, etc, to the tune of thousands upon thousands of dollars. cohen decides to sue her original ob-gyn for "wrongful life"--for not diagnosing the pregnancy within the time limit that would have enabled cohen to either stop the estrogen or get a legal abortion. her boyfriend--now her husband--is virulently opposed to the lawsuit, & to the concept of "wrongful life," but cohen sees no other way that she is going to be able to pay her daughter's astronomical medical bills. she hires a lawyer who approaches the lawsuit from a feminist perspective--that cohen was deprived of her right to choose an abortion--& she wins. she worries that the jury will think she's a monster for suggesting that her daughter shouldn't have been born, but they seek her out after the decision is read to tell her how brave she is.

this book...holy shit. it's kind of amazing, but it's also really heartbreaking. i can't even begin to imagine being told all my adult life that i couldn't get pregnant, only to end up pregnant on accident & not learn about it until 26 weeks when there's nothing i can really legally do about it--having that choice stripped away from me, even when the fetus has been negatively impacted by medical choices i made before i knew i was pregnant. i really admire cohen's courageous & strength in writing this book. it couldn't have been easy. (less)

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Mar 28, 2012 Julie rated it 4 of 5 stars

I read about this little book on Blogland, and got it out from the library on Monday, and started it Monday night at 11pm and had it finished by an hour and a half later, ready for sleep time.

In this memoir we meet Alice, who at age forty four is finally settled in her life. With a new partner after a divorce, a job teaching and a loved daughter she finds herself with bloating and abdominal pain. Visits to various doctors are unable to find the cause, and so she is sent for a CT scan, where it i...more

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Jul 06, 2011 B rated it 3 of 5 stars

This is a horrifying memoir, but I’m glad she was able to finally write it because her story needed to be told. You’re 44 and your belly is getting large and your breasts hurt and you’re exhausted all the time and depressed? You must be going through menopause and you shouldn’t have worn so many underwire bras. Here, I am your gynecologist, let me do an exam on you. Yep, menopause. Here, take these hormones every day. Oh, this growth is getting bigger and not going away? Yes, it must be a tumor....more

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Jun 30, 2011 Evanston Public Library added it

Shelves: nonfiction

After a difficult divorce, playwright and performing artist Ann Eve Cohen is finally happy, caring for her eight year old adopted daughter and in a secure, committed relationship. Told at a young age that she would be unable to have children, she finds herself at the age of 44 shocked to find out that she is six months pregnant. With no prenatal care and after years of taking synthetic hormones, her pregnancy is a minefield: "A woman with no prenatal care for twenty-six weeks is a lousy insuranc...more

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Oct 16, 2009 Vivek Tejuja rated it 5 of 5 stars

So when I laid my hands on “What I Thought I Knew” (actually it was sent to me as I wanted a review copy), I read the synopsis and thought to myself: How different could this memoir be from the others that I have read? Each memoir consists of the same ingredients anyway (as though writers dish recipes out – freshly baked!), don’t they? I am glad that I was mistaken and proved wrong.

When I started reading the book, to be very honest I could not put it down and I am not just saying this because I...more So when I laid my hands on “What I Thought I Knew” (actually it was sent to me as I wanted a review copy), I read the synopsis and thought to myself: How different could this memoir be from the others that I have read? Each memoir consists of the same ingredients anyway (as though writers dish recipes out – freshly baked!), don’t they? I am glad that I was mistaken and proved wrong.

When I started reading the book, to be very honest I could not put it down and I am not just saying this because I received a review copy. I am saying this because though I am not a woman, I felt for Alice and what she was going through. More than that I guess I knew it was not easy for her and yet she was there – facing it all and emerged a different person.

Who would not? Imagine that you are a 44 year-old woman living life the way you are supposed to. Your career has never looked better. Your boyfriend and daughter seem the only world to you. Everyday seems like a blessing and that’s precisely when you think something will happen (its true, I completely agree with this theory)and it does. You feel your stomach turning hard and wonder what is wrong with me? You have been diagnosed as being infertile in the past and before you know it you are six months into pregnancy and without a clue.

I can’t begin to imagine what would have been my state had I been in that situation. To add to which you have a history of ailments in your family which could either endanger you or the baby. There is a lot to what meets the eye in the book and one has to only dig deeper while reading it. The emotions. The chaos. The battle at some point to take a stand and make a moral decision. The idea of loving a child, who may be you were not prepared for. Its true. How does one do it?

That’s the beauty of the book, according to me. It is real and honest. Alice does not mince her words or her feelings and I love that. It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions that all must venture to ride at least once. Go read it! It is brilliant.

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Sep 09, 2009 Ryan rated it 2 of 5 stars

The story of a woman who unexpectedly becomes in her 40's, and doesn't find out until she is 6 months along. I think a lot of the drama in the book is sort of lost on me, as I had my own terrifying pregnancy nightmare where I lost the baby at 6 months. It just didn't make the kind of impact on me that it might have made on someone who hadn't had experiences similar to mine or the author's. I wasn't a huge fan of her style of writing - at one point in the book she said that she had lost of her se...more

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Sep 02, 2009 Esme Pie rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir

I would give the contents of this book a '5' rating, but the actual writing knocks it down to a '3.' The author is a performance artist and the whole book reads like it would be much better as a performance piece. The book is structured with an arc from pregnancy to wedding with lists of things she "knows" along the way. To me, it seemed the whole book could have been tightened into a longish magazine article, and the author would have benefitted greatly from an editor who knew how to write dial...more

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Jul 24, 2009 Sara rated it 4 of 5 stars

Here’s what she thought she knew:
That she was in love with her soul mate.
That she had a beautiful adopted daughter.
At 44 she had finally enabled her dream life style and financial situation.
It was medically impossible for her to get pregnant.

Only to discover during a medical crisis that she was indeed six months pregnant. Due to her age and pre-natal neglect, her pregnancy is high risk, and she is grossly under insured. The doctors tell her with certainty that her baby will be born with one def...more

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Dec 09, 2010 Jennifer (Crazy-for-Books.com) rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir-non-fiction, read-in-2010, received-for-review, received-in-2010, virtual-book-tour

My Synopsis:

In this startlingly candid memoir, Alice Even Cohen shares her personal journey as a 44 year old "infertile" pregnant woman. From the medical professionals who couldn't figure out what was wrong with her (she was SIX MONTHS into her pregnancy before it was finally discovered that she was pregnant!), to her emotional struggle of whether or not she wanted to have the baby, Ms. Cohen's memoir is deeply touching and fast-paced.

My Thoughts:

I loved this memoir. I am completely shocked and...more

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Nov 18, 2012 Shonna Froebel rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is a memoir of a certain time in Cohen's life and she is very open about her feelings and thoughts during these time. Cohen and her husband had tried to have a baby and found that she was infertile. Her own mother had taken DES during pregnancy, and this affected Cohen's own reproductive health. Cohen began hormone treatment to treat some of her health issues. They adopted a daughter and later divorced. A few years later, Cohen is in a new relationship, engaged to be married and happier tha...more

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Apr 14, 2010 Lauren rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Krista

Recommended to Lauren by: Jane

I really enjoyed this book and was barely able to put it down (it's also quite short, making it an easy read). It is well-written and brutally honest in a way that endeared the author to me. But, I can't lie: this book terrified me!! The entire time Alice was pregnant I just sat there wondering what I would do and how I would react and it honestly made me panic, which either means Alice Cohen is a great writer or I have some psychological problems (probably a bit of both). And, probably due to m...more

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Sep 07, 2009 Karen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Terrifying, my worst nightmare come true for someone else. Also beautifully written and completely compelling. Imagine going in for a CAT scan of your tumor and finding out you're actually six months pregnant. Your gynecologist told you you had early onset of menopause. You'd always believed you were infertile. You're also forty-five-years-old, have been drinking and taking "horse estrogen" for the entire pregnancy and quite quickly you learn the baby may or may not be a hermaphordite. Time for...more

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Aug 23, 2009 Emily rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: pretty much anyone

Shelves: memoir

I read this book in an afternoon. Here's the premise, from the back of the book: Cohen, age 44, "starts experiencing mysterious symptoms. After months of tests, X-rays and hormone treatments for menopause, she was diagnosed with an abdominal tumor and sent for an emergency CAT scan that revealed the cause of her symptoms. She was six months pregnant." The odyssey that follows proves that truth really is stranger than fiction. More importantly, it's the story of a woman who finds that the absolut...more

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Jun 28, 2011 Nora rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is amazing! When I looked at it in the bookstore, I thought, "This looks frivolous but I must buy it." Then I stayed up late into the night reading the whole thing.

It's the true story of a woman named Alice. She was 44 years old, infertile, and even if she could conceive a child she would not be able to carry it to term because of a deformed uterus. But all that is OK, because she has a child by adoption and an adoring boyfriend, and she is happy with her family and her life. Then she...more

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Mar 21, 2012 Jessica rated it 3 of 5 stars

The story is compelling, the writing style so-so. The author is a solo performer, and in many parts this reads to me like a spoken word piece. It's very straightforward, and while she lists very clearly how she's feeling throughout the book, she doesn't spend much time with long descriptions, or analyzing those feelings.
And yet parts of it were almost poetic - written in lists, sentences that aren't sentences, etc.
None of that bothered me - it was just different. I think my preference is for s...more

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Aug 04, 2009 Tattered Cover Book Store added it

Shelves: indie-next-noteables, jackie-recommends, staff-recommends

Jackie says:

44 year old Alice was sick. Months of tests and doctor's exams left her with a portfolio of diagnosis--early menopause, a bladder disorder, middle age loss of muscle tone, a malformed reproductive system because of her mother's use of DES, sore breasts from wearing underwire bras, anemia, depression, and a large lump in her lower abdomen. Finally a new doctor sends her to the hospital for an emergency CAT scan and the real problem is revealed--Alice is 6 months pregnant (despite havi...more

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Apr 29, 2009 Jackie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, work-review-related-reading

44 year old Alice was sick. Months of tests and doctor's exams left her with a portfolio of diagnosis--early menopause, a bladder disorder, middle age loss of muscle tone, a malformed reproductive system because of her mother's use of DES, sore breasts from wearing underwire bras, anemia, depression, and a large lump in her lower abdomen. Finally a new doctor sends her to the hospital for an emergency CAT scan and the real problem is revealed--Alice is 6 months pregnant (despite having an intern...more

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Jun 24, 2010 Carin rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir, women-authors

What I Thought I Knew by Alice Eve Cohen is a harrowing memoir of what happens when everything goes wrong in a pregnancy.

Alice has known since she was 30 that she was infertile. She had probably always suspected it as she's a DES daughter (her mother took DES, an anti-miscarriage drug, which was later found to cause birth defects, primarily in the reproductive arena of the baby girls.) But while married to her first husband, they wanted to have children, and she was told definitively there was n...more What I Thought I Knew by Alice Eve Cohen is a harrowing memoir of what happens when everything goes wrong in a pregnancy.

Alice has known since she was 30 that she was infertile. She had probably always suspected it as she's a DES daughter (her mother took DES, an anti-miscarriage drug, which was later found to cause birth defects, primarily in the reproductive arena of the baby girls.) But while married to her first husband, they wanted to have children, and she was told definitively there was no way. She was also put on horse estrogen pills that she'd probably have to take for the rest of her life, and they adopted a beautiful baby girl.

Fast forward a few years. Alice is divorced, a single Mom, dating a man ten years her junior, and her life is starting to get back on track. She's a writer, performer, and editor (all freelance), and her boyfriend is also a performer. They are very happy, and that's when her health starts to go off the rails. She feels sick all the time, and sore. Her doctors give her antacids and tell her that's just aging. Her period stops and she's having to go to the bathroom all the time. The doctors say she's entering early menopause, and a weakening of the bladder walls is a normal part of aging. Her breasts hurt (must be underwire bras) and she has a swollen abdomen (abdominal muscles lose tone as you get older). She has an x-ray of her aching hip (nothing), a gynecological exam (nothing) and is told, go ahead on vacation to Italy, drink lots of wine and relax. She goes on a diet and tries to work out.

Finally, she goes to the hospital and has an MRI. And that's when she hears the most shocking news. She's expecting them to tell her that she has a tumor, has cancer, will die. Instead, she is 6 months pregnant. She's 44, has been taking horse estrogen pills the whole time, dieting, drinking, taking no vitamins, and naturally (and with reason), she's terrified. The odds of her baby being malformed, handicapped, seriously ill, is very very high. She's not sure having the baby is the best option. But at 6 months, her options are very limited.

She goes through a roller-coaster of emotions as she tries to parse out what would be her best course of action. Her boyfriend is also upset, and they aren't always on the same page. Her insurance is terrible, and she's on bed rest and no high-risk ob/gym in New York will see her.

At the end of each chapter she writes out a list of things she thinks she knows. As a performer and writer, Ms. Cohen knows how to built up tension, how to stay focused on the crucial points, and how to draw the audience in. It's smoothly written and a whirlwind, just like the actual events were. I was riveted to the page and read the whole book in one sitting. I'm not going to spoil the ending, so you'll just have to read it to find out what she decided to do and how that worked out. Great memoir.(less)

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Dec 09, 2009 Catherine rated it 4 of 5 stars

Cohen delivers a touching, true account of her discovering she was six months pregnant--after being told several years before that she was unable to conceive--at the age of 44.

I began reading this book on a long airline flight and was unable to put it down, captivated by the many twists and turns. Cohen asks herself some very arduous questions. I can imagine other readers might find it easy to pass judgment. But I appreciated her candor in sharing her personal anxiety and genuine feelings.

Havin...more

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Mar 23, 2012 Catherine Shattuck rated it 2 of 5 stars

[contains spoilers] I really liked Cohen's style of writing - she's a talent - but I found the story depressing and there was nothing in it I could relate to. As someone who wanted my babies fiercely before they were born, while I was pregnant, and once they arrived, I felt thoroughly alienated by just how fiercely she didn't want her second, unexpected child. It's not that I'm judging her for not wanting the child, or for struggling with her feelings of shock and horror, given that she didn't f...more

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Dec 31, 2010 Mary (BookHounds) rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010-book-challenge, from-publisher-author

ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT

I adored this book! Once I started reading What I Thought I Knew, I couldn't put it down. This is one memoir that will stick with you and you will want to read about the next chapter of Alice Eve Cohen's life. I have just found out that she is working on another memoir so I can find out what happened next. Normally, memoirs are just one story, but this one left me wanting a bit more. I become so wrapped up in the author's life that I can't wait to find out how everything turned...more

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Dec 29, 2009 Alexa Iannone Stefan rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book was on Oprah's "Top 25 books You Can't Put Down" list this summer and I guess that was the case for me. I couldn't put the book down because I was obsessed with the author's unique story. She is a 44 year-old woman faced with a difficult dilemma. After experiencing health problems and told she was menopausal and infertile, she discovered that she was actually six months pregnant. From there, a number of horrifying problems are revealed. For me, it was a page turner, I couldn't wait to...more

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Jul 01, 2010 Kelly Collins rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was a quick read (started & finished in one day, even with a toddler running around). It reminded me very much of my brother & sister-in-law's experience with an OB who made some pretty serious errors and did not diagnose my nephew's life threatening disabilities until my SIL was well into her third trimester. We were all grateful to have their son in our lives for the 12 short days he lived, but the idea of a wrongful life suit certainly has entered my thoughts over these last four...more

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May 15, 2011 Jolene rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: elle-readers-club

This was not one of my favorite books. I found certain aspects of the book very interesting but I think it was very self-serving, and at times, I found it difficult to relate to Cohen.

But if you're interested in memoirs, wrongful life cases, Russel Silver Syndrome, abortion v. adoption discourse (esp. as it relates to feminism), then I'd recommend this book to you. I certainly wouldn't give it to an expectant mother.

I wish Alice Eve Cohen would have delved into her struggle to get services and c...more

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Nov 19, 2009 Jean Godwin Carroll rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoirs, motherhood-parenting-family

Alice has long since reconciled with her infertility. Although she is recently divorced, she is planning to marry her boyfriend who loves her 9-year old adopted daughter as much as she does. At the age of 44, she is finally beginning to feel happiness as she plans her wedding. However, she begins to suffer strange abdominal symptoms from an illness her doctor cannot seem to diagnose. Although the doctor tells her to the contrary, she begins to suspect she is pregnant. However, the pregnancy test...more

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Oct 10, 2010 Cassie rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is terrifying. This could scare any woman into not wanting to have children. My heart ached for Alice. This is the 2nd memoir I have read in the last month and this one was light years ahead of the other one. I thought this book was written so well, I was able to feel what Alice was feeling. I think if this story would have been fiction, I would not have enjoyed it at all. It is unbelievable to me the things this poor woman went through. The fear she must have felt, the anger, sadness,...more

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Aug 20, 2009 Meghann rated it 5 of 5 stars

I found this book very touching and emotional. It makes you place yourself in the authors shoes wondering what you would do if you had to the make the same decision. Reading this book opened my eyes to the endless possibilities for life. At 44, this woman a victim of DES, finds herself 6 months pregnant. The child may be a boy, or a girl because of being on hormones the author had taken. The constant and everyday struggles this woman faced, as well as the battles not with the outside world, but...more

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