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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

4.11  ·  Rating Details  ·  2,250 Ratings  ·  179 Reviews
As women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. And while it seems that men have struggled valiantly since the dawn of time to find ways to reliably elicit the female orgasm, rare is the guy who has the modestly to ask: "What do I do?" Ironically, t ...more
Kindle Edition, 240 pages
Published (first published 2004)
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Mar 17, 2009 Julianna rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: All Adults Who Desire a Happier, Healthier Sexual Relationship
Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex gu
Nikki Sex
One man's POV on how to please a woman with oral sex. I bought it as a "joke" for my partner. Woo hoo! Turns out we both loved it. The author says most men are "ill-cliterate" and know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. Recommended as a gift to your partner. LOL!
Apr 02, 2007 J rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
I picked up this book as a way to prove to myself that there are, in fact, men in the world who care about a woman's enjoyment as much--if not more so--than their own. Ian Kerner seems just the man--having just read his Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, and having dealt recently with a number of incompetant men, I was addicted to his genuinely uplifting take on the romantic/sexual/physiological relationhip between men and women--he really does give me hope.

That said, this book isn't gr
Henry Le Nav
Aug 05, 2015 Henry Le Nav rated it it was amazing
When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.

Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to a
Feb 03, 2011 Kevin rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: sex
First, what annoys me about this book. There's a certain cheese factor to any "how to" book and this is no exception -- though the cheese is admittedly muted. More important, Kerner has a one-size-fits-all approach to sex. Different people like different things, and this is especially true of women. I'd couple this book with "The Guide to Getting it On," which beats it in tone (it's as hilarious as sex itself). The GTGIO emphasizes communication between partners. You don't know until you ask, or ...more
Apr 26, 2008 Holly rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Obviously I’m not in the target audience for this title, but I was curious anyway. Besides, a woman can’t get what she wants if she doesn’t know what to ask for.

The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are p
May 24, 2016 Rafal rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: varia-scripta
Warto było przeczytać tę książkę. W ogóle warto czytać takie książki, nawet jeżeli ma się wrażenie, że wie się już wszystko. Otóż czasem można poznać praktyczny szczególik, który ma znaczenie. W tej książce jest sporo takich szczególików.
Aug 26, 2012 Scott rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Still reading and referencing, some great concepts. Got to do a lot of technique testing and practicing with rave reviews. Was lucky enough to practice on some Bi and lesbians and was rated in the upper 80%. I've still got room for improvement, but that's pretty awesome for a guy to now be the best of the guys and better than most lesbians. Can't exactly brag to my parents but it's still good to know you're doing right and making women happy. Feel like a slightly perverted Captain America!
Max Wilson
The first third of this book is a good, thoughtful (even insightful) work of non-fiction providing an excellent summary of the female sexual arousal cycle, very detailed synopsis of human female anatomy and sexual physiology. There is a fair discussion of the impact of social norms and gender roles on heterosexual sex. Factually, this work starts strong, though the author's assertion regarding the declining protective utility of barriers for STD prevention with increased number of partners seems ...more
Tricia Rosetty
The author's enthusiasm for both pussy and prose is admirable and something that's not seen enough publicly. As a word nerd myself, however, I felt that his references to grammar and writing were really overdone at times. The purpose of metaphor is clarity, but his felt more like they existed for charm and forced theme.

That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), m
Red Phoenix
Jul 13, 2012 Red Phoenix rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Not just for men. I think women can get just as much out of it learning about their own bodies and pleasure points.

Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that!", "Um... try something different."
Oct 12, 2008 Erin rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Everything you ever wanted to know about women and orgasms. If every man would read this, there would be no more divorce. This should be required reading in high schools.
Aug 02, 2014 Elaine rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Title: She Comes First.

Author: Ian Kerner.

Genre: Nonfiction, Marriage.

Review: So, I don't usually review sex books but this one was so bad, I have to say something. I got it for my husband for our anniversary partly so he could pick up a few tips and mainly out of payback for the "surprise" birthday present he'd gotten me last year. I read this book in two days and I wanted to like it, at first, but by the middle of the book I was regretting having spent money on it. The main idea that the book
Feb 11, 2012 Orion rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.

The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis
Jan 11, 2012 Allison rated it it was amazing
Shelves: nonfiction
Okay, the first book I finish this year, and it's a sex book. Of course. I noticed this book because it appears in Transformers 3; Sam's mom holds it up and declares, "There is some killer shit in here." My husband and I debated about whether or not that was a real book, so for giggles we googled it, and what do you know? It's a real book. (I lost the debate. I was sure it was photoshopped. I mean come on, look at the cover.) And it has good reviews! So, we said "What the hell!" and downloaded i ...more
Elizabeth Bear
Sep 21, 2015 Elizabeth Bear rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Seems clear and concise, though somewhat mechanistic in its approach. Practical tips and science!
Apr 22, 2009 Carli rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction
This is the Kerner book touching on female sexuality but it is really about cunnilingus. Pretty exhaustive, actually, and had some good information. It has very specific cunnilingus routines, for those who are interested.

Heh heh, I'm blushing a bit as I write about this.
Kenneth Sherrod
Dec 02, 2014 Kenneth Sherrod rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I must say that I wondered if I would enjoy reading a, "self help" book on a subject as personal and private as this. I can say without a doubt I really enjoyed this book. My wife also read this and felt the same way and not to mention that it opened up a line of communication we didn't have before. I have read plenty of reviews that were negative and the main theme tended to be the book becomes one sided and narrow on the subject of oral sex. The other was it gives just one point of view about ...more
Jul 03, 2012 Emerald rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
I read this book along with my boyfriend, and I highly recommend it. If you want to take your sexual experiences to a new level of intimacy and pleasure this is definitely the book to do it! This isn't your typical "sex book". It is grounded in anatomical science, psychological reassurance, and this wonderful feminist idea that women should come first (and then again, and again). It is broken down in to three parts, and chronicles a woman's response to sexual arousal giving a man a guide to go b ...more
Josephus FromPlacitas
Lots of useful information in spite of a gratingly exuberant writing style. Almost every rhetorical flourish was cringe-inducing to the point of making me want to throw the book away. The noisy odes to the overrated Strunk and White made it almost impossible to get past the first chapter.

But it had very good details and ideas, although it was a bit rigid or ideological on many points. Thank God I won't ever have to date this fucking schmuck, but I don't mind culling from his knowledge base. Much
Excellent and a must read for both men an women!


1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristo
Jan 05, 2016 Erik rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
A little heavy with the use of metaphor which--I get--is an attempt to avoid turning off more squeamish readers. It also tends to do the work of a single sentence across three or four, which can be tiring. That said, it has great technical advice that follows a long, articulate treatise on the current state of sexual inequality, how its came to be, and what can be done to restore the balance (hint: it's up to us!)
Lucy Whitaker
Picked it up to get a look at female sexuality; instead was given 200+ pages on the importance of cunnilingus. Should probably be required reading anyone looking to go down on a woman but wasn't exactly what I wanted / expected. (I also found it quite boring for a book on oral sex - agree with another review that it should probably have been condensed into an article / series of articles rather than 40+ chapters of a book)
Amina Al motery
Nov 21, 2015 Amina Al motery rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: amor-marriage
didn't like it at all
Ryan Parman
Feb 10, 2012 Ryan Parman rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Instead of giving this a new review, I simply want to quote another review:

Will Swope: "This is a book for any guy who is serious about actually learning what most women want when it comes to this subject. It's true every woman is different, but this book is probably the best guide in terms of keeping it simple, but introducing new techniques. It's not just about the orgasm with this book, it's also about the intimacy building up that moment to be something more than it can be or that either of
I picked up this book because it was mentioned in a Lindsay Doe Sexplanations video and it sounded like it would be worthwhile. I didn't really need help in this area, but I'm always interested in good books about various aspects of sex. I like Part 1, I enjoyed the discussion of why cunnilingus is important, a discussion of the different parts of the female genitals, and the Cunnilinguist Manifesto. There were a few moments of "I'm not quite sure about that one, but okay" and there were a lot q ...more
Петър Стойков
Наръчник по орален секс, който може да се събере в 20 страници, но е 200.

Сериозно, първата половина от книгата можете да я отпорите и изхвърлите, защото се състои главно от отчаяните опити на автора да ни убеди, че няма такива неща като г-точка, а-точка и т.н. ами всичко е клитор с вътрешни и външни разклонения, обхванал (поне с такова впечатление оставам от описанието) женската сексуална анатомия като октопод с пипала, плъзнали навсякъде.

Втората част е практическа и в нея има разумни съвети, ко
Ariel Metzmeier
Nov 21, 2014 Ariel Metzmeier rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
WOW! For a book written by a man about the art of making a woman cum I am FLOORED! It was very good and parts of it VERY FUNNY!!!
Half way through the book it become and How To book... with pictures and if that doesn't help you I don't know what well..
I was given this book tonight by my girlfriends father, he wanted me to take a look at it..I read it in about 2 hours never putting it down. I thought it was funny and well written. Good job! Reading this as a woman should re
Based on the writing quality, I would have given it a 2. But I think the writing style--very 5-paragraph-essay form (each chapter!) is meant to reinforce the complicated ideas in the content. Imagine a coach telling you what to do (and what not to do) and the exceptions and the rules and the interesting facts that help round out your understanding and guide your practice for oral and manual stimulation. It's a lot of information, and I imagine a lot of people would prefer to read and then practi ...more
Franco Olcese
May 12, 2013 Franco Olcese rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: sex
I think the main goal of the author was to recall men about the importance of the cunninlingus. Ok, i get it. He spends a lot of pages trying to put this message clear. But after that, he gives a lot of tips and recommendations about techiques, styles and more. I think it worth reading, it is easy to read and those suggestions could be useful, even if you already know them. If you are not so much into cunnilingus, then it is a must read.
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Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.

Ian is certified by the American Association of
More about Ian Kerner...

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“Some literary recommendations: James Salter’s erotic masterpiece, A Sport and a Pastime; Anais Nin’s collections of short stories Delta of Venus and Little Birds; the erotic novels Emanuelle by Emanuelle Arsan and Story of O by Pauline Réage; Harold Brodkey’s sexual saga “Innocence”—perhaps the greatest depiction of a session of cunnilingus ever penned; novels by Jerzy Kosinski such as Passion Play and Cockpit; Henry Miller’s Under the Roofs of Paris and Quiet Days in Clichy; My Secret Life by Anonymous and The Pure and the Impure by Colette; Nancy Friday’s anthology of fantasies, Secret Garden (filled with the correspondence of real people’s fantasies); stories from The Mammoth Book of Erotica or one of the many erotic anthologies edited by Susie Bright. For those with a taste for poetry, try Les Fleurs du Mal (Flowers of Evil) by Charles Baudelaire or Flesh Unlimited by Guillaume Apollinaire. And for those who like comic books (kinky ones, that is), try the extra-hot works of writer/illustrator Eric Stanton, who specializes in female-domination fantasies.” 1 likes
“Imagine going through years of your life with the gut feeling that none of it really matters yet, that it will start at some point in the future, and that the present doesn't really count. Does this feeling seem familiar? Have you ever told yourself that everything will ultimately fall into place once you [fill in the blank]? Who wouldn't wind up numbed to real hope and possibility after exerting so much energy for stuff that really doesn't matter?” 1 likes
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