She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

4.09 of 5 stars 4.09  ·  rating details  ·  1,127 ratings  ·  122 reviews
As women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. And while it seems that men have struggled valiantly since the dawn of time to find ways to reliably elicit the female orgasm, rare is the guy who has the modestly to ask: "What do I do?" Ironically, t...more
Kindle Edition, 240 pages
Published (first published 2004)
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Mar 17, 2009 Julianna rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: All Adults Who Desire a Happier, Healthier Sexual Relationship
Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex gu...more
I picked up this book as a way to prove to myself that there are, in fact, men in the world who care about a woman's enjoyment as much--if not more so--than their own. Ian Kerner seems just the man--having just read his Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, and having dealt recently with a number of incompetant men, I was addicted to his genuinely uplifting take on the romantic/sexual/physiological relationhip between men and women--he really does give me hope.

That said, this book isn't gr...more
Obviously I’m not in the target audience for this title, but I was curious anyway. Besides, a woman can’t get what she wants if she doesn’t know what to ask for.

The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are p...more
Henry Le Nav
When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.

Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to a...more
First, what annoys me about this book. There's a certain cheese factor to any "how to" book and this is no exception -- though the cheese is admittedly muted. More important, Kerner has a one-size-fits-all approach to sex. Different people like different things, and this is especially true of women. I'd couple this book with "The Guide to Getting it On," which beats it in tone (it's as hilarious as sex itself). The GTGIO emphasizes communication between partners. You don't know until you ask, or...more
Max Wilson
The first third of this book is a good, thoughtful (even insightful) work of non-fiction providing an excellent summary of the female sexual arousal cycle, very detailed synopsis of human female anatomy and sexual physiology. There is a fair discussion of the impact of social norms and gender roles on heterosexual sex. Factually, this work starts strong, though the author's assertion regarding the declining protective utility of barriers for STD prevention with increased number of partners seems...more
Everything you ever wanted to know about women and orgasms. If every man would read this, there would be no more divorce. This should be required reading in high schools.
Tricia Rosetty
The author's enthusiasm for both pussy and prose is admirable and something that's not seen enough publicly. As a word nerd myself, however, I felt that his references to grammar and writing were really overdone at times. The purpose of metaphor is clarity, but his felt more like they existed for charm and forced theme.

That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), m...more
Okay, the first book I finish this year, and it's a sex book. Of course. I noticed this book because it appears in Transformers 3; Sam's mom holds it up and declares, "There is some killer shit in here." My husband and I debated about whether or not that was a real book, so for giggles we googled it, and what do you know? It's a real book. (I lost the debate. I was sure it was photoshopped. I mean come on, look at the cover.) And it has good reviews! So, we said "What the hell!" and downloaded i...more
I read this book along with my boyfriend, and I highly recommend it. If you want to take your sexual experiences to a new level of intimacy and pleasure this is definitely the book to do it! This isn't your typical "sex book". It is grounded in anatomical science, psychological reassurance, and this wonderful feminist idea that women should come first (and then again, and again). It is broken down in to three parts, and chronicles a woman's response to sexual arousal giving a man a guide to go b...more
Josephus FromPlacitas
Lots of useful information in spite of a gratingly exuberant writing style. Almost every rhetorical flourish was cringe-inducing to the point of making me want to throw the book away. The noisy odes to the overrated Strunk and White made it almost impossible to get past the first chapter.

But it had very good details and ideas, although it was a bit rigid or ideological on many points. Thank God I won't ever have to date this fucking schmuck, but I don't mind culling from his knowledge base. Much...more
She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.

The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis...more
Excellent and a must read for both men an women!


1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristo...more
Ryan Parman
Instead of giving this a new review, I simply want to quote another review:

Will Swope: "This is a book for any guy who is serious about actually learning what most women want when it comes to this subject. It's true every woman is different, but this book is probably the best guide in terms of keeping it simple, but introducing new techniques. It's not just about the orgasm with this book, it's also about the intimacy building up that moment to be something more than it can be or that either of...more
Still reading and referencing, some great concepts. Got to do a lot of technique testing and practicing with rave reviews. Was lucky enough to practice on some Bi and lesbians and was rated in the upper 80%. I've still got room for improvement, but that's pretty awesome for a guy to now be the best of the guys and better than most lesbians. Can't exactly brag to my parents but it's still good to know you're doing right and making women happy. Feel like a slightly perverted Captain America!
Title: She Comes First.

Author: Ian Kerner.

Genre: Nonfiction, Marriage.

Review: So, I don't usually review sex books but this one was so bad, I have to say something. I got it for my husband for our anniversary partly so he could pick up a few tips and mainly out of payback for the "surprise" birthday present he'd gotten me last year. I read this book in two days and I wanted to like it, at first, but by the middle of the book I was regretting having spent money on it. The main idea that the book...more
This is the Kerner book touching on female sexuality but it is really about cunnilingus. Pretty exhaustive, actually, and had some good information. It has very specific cunnilingus routines, for those who are interested.

Heh heh, I'm blushing a bit as I write about this.
I now feel as if I know more about female anatomy than many women do... I'm not sure if that's really a good thing. Great easy read and about as light on the scientific/anatomy side as could be made, especially on this particular topic.
I've read this with my husband, and at first payed plenty of attention, but as the premises became less real, my attention started to fly away. g- spot is the back of the clit? of course ; is equal the pleasure you have from both sides? No, is equal to touch the inside and outside of your mouth, mr kerner? because mine is completely different!

This book is only a self convincing consolation writing from a sexual disfunctional man (I mean no offense, is just what I get analizing the book psicolog...more
Red Phoenix
Not just for men. I think women can get just as much out of it learning about their own bodies and pleasure points.

Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that!", "Um... try something different."
I stumbled across this book on my bookcase. I like Kerner's books of which I have 6.
This book should be on every sexually active man's bookcase. It is fantastic, a bit scientific but immensely valuable.
Aug 28, 2010 Katey rated it 4 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: Men. All men. And women.
I don't think the 4-star rating need be elaborated upon. BUT overall this an interesting read, with a different perspective and truthfully, I actually learned some things. So women should read it too.
Edward Chamberlin
It had good physical descriptions and information in it, but Kerner's personality came off as very submissive and almost annoying. Overall, it's still a solid book and very readable.
I have to start this review by saying when my partner first introduced me to this book I was convinced (in all my stupidity) that it was good that the book existed for OTHER people, but that I knew what I was doing. The sad part is I know there are many millions more men like I was, who might think they know what they’re doing and just how to please a women but sadly so many of us live in ignorance. All I can say is I am very thankful that she opened my eyes, this book explains in the greatest o...more
Currently reading this, things will be added as I go through it:

I'm glad the author didn't go with a title of 'Your Bible For Giving Her Mind Blowing Orgasms' or some other nonsense. I like the laid back approach. I also liked the (obvious) innuendo on the cover, instead of the usual, prototypical sexually charged visuals. The author is making a statement with the cover: I don't need to sell you with sweaty bodies or other obvious lures. It also shows that he isn't catering to the quick-fix mark...more
What I have never understood is why so few people make an effort to learn how to be good at sex. Like actually making an effort to read or learn the science and techniques of sex and of how the bodies of the opposite sex work somehow is a waste of time. This would be a decent book for any guy who is at that stage of his life where he is working to get laid for the first time and actually wants to not embarrass himself (of course, he should read about 10 other books with different perspectives to...more
Mar 16, 2014 Jackie added it
Identity Crisis

I purchased this book for my husband and we both learned something new. This book is full of good information but it could be significantly shorter. It suffers from an identity crisis in that it doesn't know whether it wants to be a book or a dissertation. Quoting Elements of Style, Shakespeare and others was too much, too often and made for a painful read at times.
For the sake of science I chose to read this book. I found it very detailed and educational. It provides a knowledge base of steps, tips, and techniques for use in further exploration. At the time I am unable to test these out to see how well they hold up, but I feel like it is a good place to start. I will have to report back later and let you know how helpful it really is after future experimentation.
Tofu Fairy
I read this to learn more about my body and see if I could learn any pointers for my partner in crime to try out. I learned a lot about myself and my anatomy and also learned the my partner already knows his stuff very well (not that I didn't already know that but can't everything always be improved? LOL). This would be a great book for anyone who goes down on women regardless of gender. Even though its supposedly geared towards men, I didn't find it to be gender specific really. I will say that...more
This book is a how-to manual for men on how to satisfy women via cunnilingus. As such, it succeeds, although the author found it necessary to spice it up with quotes from Strunk & White's Elements of Style and other literary references, as a straight how-to manual--even with graphic illustrations of the suggested techniques--would be rather dull and prosaic. Even so, the author finds it necessary to repeat the directions multiple times (giving credence to a male colleague's saying that men...more
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Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.

Ian is certified by the American Association of...more
More about Ian Kerner...
Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents' Guide to Getting It On Again Sex Detox

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“One should not make more assumptions than are absolutely necessary.” 0 likes
“Imagine going through years of your life with the gut feeling that none of it really matters yet, that it will start at some point in the future, and that the present doesn't really count. Does this feeling seem familiar? Have you ever told yourself that everything will ultimately fall into place once you [fill in the blank]? Who wouldn't wind up numbed to real hope and possibility after exerting so much energy for stuff that really doesn't matter?” 0 likes
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