The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

by Gary Chapman

book data

5,694 ratings, 4.15 average rating, 1,382 reviews (more data...)

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2		3%
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published

June 1st 1995 (first published 1981) by Northfield Publishing

binding

Paperback, 204 pages

isbn

1881273156 (isbn13: 9781881273158)

description

Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage coun...more

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10/29/07

Msmeemee rated it:

bookshelves: psychology

Read in October, 2007

recommends it for: suckers

this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; an...more this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.

but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.

the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.

his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.

to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.

i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.(less)

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11 comments

06/23/07

Marie sweeney rated it:

bookshelves: nonfiction, read-on-the-way-to-divorce

recommends it for: relationaly retarded people

Basically doing the dishes doesn't do it for everyone: Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (quality time) before I ride you like the wild stallion that you are (physical touch) so were does that leave me? Which love language am I?

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19 comments

02/24/08

Jennie rated it:

Read in July, 2005

My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my...more

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11/29/07

Lachelle rated it:

Read in November, 2007

recommends it for: Anyone in a relationship

My dad actually recommended this book to me and I finally decided to check it out from the library. Although I think my husband and I have a good relationship - it was amazing how much I learned from this book! And how I realized that by understand how we communicate differently - it could strengthen our relationship. I would recommend this book to just about anyone! A lot of it seems common sense but it's a good reminder and an eye-opener to read it.

Like this review? yes (2 people liked it)

1 comment

01/13/09

Joe Wisniewski rated it:

Read in January, 2009

Everyone has "the" relationship book. This book will NOT automatically solve all relationship problems. People have to want to work on things; have to want to communicate needs and expectations. Having said that, I have not seen a better way to tie in to your significant other's point of view, then trying to understand how THEY need to have love expressed. But even more importantly, maybe, is looking at ourselves and seeing how we automatically expect others to "get" love the...more

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01/23/09

cheri rated it:

bookshelves: encouragement, raising-children, spirtual-enlightenment

Read in January, 2004

You can read any one of the Five Love Languages and get the just of the books. It teaches you how to identify your love language and those around you. What the author states is that everyone has a major love language (love cup to be filled) as well as a minor love language. You really begin to understand why some people, including yourself, will do certain things. For example, my youngest son's love language is service. He brings me a cup of water to bed because he knows I drink water thru ...more

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03/18/08

Lindsay rated it:

Read in October, 2007

I had heard a lot about this book & decided to give it a go. It made A LOT of sense! It is all about improving your relationship with your spouse by showing your love to them in a way that resonates with them - which may be totally different than what would be meaningful to you. It was a very fast read, very easy to "get," and I have found it very insightful not only in expressing myself, but also in recognizing when my Jon Jon is being sweet to me. Sometimes it can be hard to tell...more

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01/29/08

J Dean rated it:

bookshelves: figuring-out-my-shit

Read in February, 2008

recommended to J by: Julie

A coworker lent this to me (my coworkers are pretty aware I need all the relationship help I can get). I'd actually heard about the theories behind this one a couple years ago from a woman I was dating, though at the time it was more of a lecture. . .I digress. . .

Anyway, this was another really helpful book looking at the different ways men and women like to receive love, and it again explained a lot both in regards to past relationships as well as about myself. It was really inte...more

Like this review? yes (1 person liked it)

3 comments

01/23/08

Asia Snow rated it:

Has a copy to sell/swap — Read in November, 2008

recommended to Asia by: My mother-in-law
recommends it for: no one unless you use it ONLY to learn ways to express love

This is an entertaining, well-written book from the perspective of a therapist who shares interesting stories about his patients and thier love problems and solutions.

This book has potential to help people better understand those they love and to show love to them in ways they can feel/understand (I'll suggest a much better book below that does this).

However, I worry that this book would do more harm than good since in it it says that a man's love language may be sex. Ho...more

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8 comments

03/18/08

Morning Star rated it:

bookshelves: self-help

Read in January, 2003

This book was a gift from friends who as grandparents, have taken on the primary role of raising 2 grandsons. It is important because it points out that the way others perceive being loved may be different than the way we are trying to express our love for them ... and this creates a communication breakdown, often illustrated in the baffled phrase, "But you KNOW I love you!? Don't I always tell you that?"

The back cover states, "People express and receive love in diff...more

Like this review? yes (1 person liked it)

1 comment

02/28/08

Tuesdi rated it:

Read in January, 2003

We were given this book as a wedding gift but I didn't get around to reading it for almost 9 years. And when I finished it, I wished I hadn't waited so long.
This is another book that can help you identify more effective ways of relating to loved ones. It gives suggestions for using it's tips and lays out how to change the way that you deal with other people.
So often we show love and are angry or at a loss as to why it isn't appreciated or accepted. The jist of this book is that you...more

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01/08/09

Meghan rated it:

I really love this book! I had to read it as part of a Marriage and Relationships class that I took in college, am I'm so glad! I think it does such great job explaining the different "love languages" that we all communicate with. It helped me view my own relationships in a new way. Truly enlightening!

Like this review? yes (1 person liked it)

1 comment

12/01/08

Carolanne rated it:

bookshelves: nonfiction

Interesting concept, but I don't like how he writes. Very simple and repetitive. But I feel like I did learn something. I liked what I learned, but I wish I didn't have to read this book to have learned it.
Whats my love language, you all ask? I don't know. So maybe I didn't learn that much. :)

Like this review? yes (2 people liked it)

13 comments

03/11/09

Jenna rated it:

I don't do self help books most especially ones that involve the word 'love'. Had it not been for a book group discussion assignment I guarantee I never would have picked up this book.

I'm so glad I did! It's really fun to read. The concept is very simple and makes loads of sense. The writing is very down to earth and Chapman gives so many examples through stories that it's a very fast read.

In short, he explains that everyone speaks different languages in life (Spanish, Ge...more

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03/10/09

Karen rated it:

bookshelves: relationships, romance, thought-provoking

Read in March, 2009

This is a practical book for improving one’s marriage. It points out that different things are more meaningful than others when it comes to expressing love. Loving acts can fall into the following five basic categories: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch. Once you determine what your mate’s primary love language is, you can work at keeping them feeling loved more effectively. It’s also good to determine your own primary love language and let your mat...more

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02/18/09

Mehrsa rated it:

Read in February, 2009

I was tempted to not give this book a high rating because I do not like self-help books and especially marriage advice type things. So many people recommended this book to me that I wanted to read it just so I could have an opinion on it and I have to say that I think it is pretty useful. It is definitely cheesy and certainly oversimplified, but the author is on to something. I have been trying this out not just on my marriage, but also with my children and other relationships and it's just nice...more

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02/13/09

Ellyn rated it:

bookshelves: 2007

Read in January, 2007

I would never have read this book on my own but was urged to read it after a debate with a friend of my roommate. It's written by a marriage counselor and directed towards couples, but it can be applied to all relationships, both romantic and platonic. The author's theory is that there are five major ways to express love (the five love languages). Each of us has a primary love language, and relationship problems occur when others fail to express love to us in that language. It's an interesti...more

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01/17/09

Lance rated it:

bookshelves: have-read

Read in February, 2008

I found this book incredibly fascinating. I first came across this book in college when some friends of mine who were engaged recommended it very excitedly. I spot read various parts and did not quite share their excitement. Now years I was led to the book again through a different set of circumstances and could not put the book down. If I could have read it in one sitting, I would have. As it was, I could not help but try to multitask in order to get done what needed doing and also finish ...more

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12/27/08

Bookwormliz rated it:

Read in December, 2008

In THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, Gary Chapman explores what he believes is the cause of all marital dysfunction and breakdown: the different languages in which love can be expressed. According to Chapman, we each respond to one of the five “love languages”–affirmation, time, gifts, service, and touch–and will only feel sufficiently loved when we’re being spoken to by our mates in that language.

The breakdown of the five love languages was fascinating, but Chapman’s “love is a...more In THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, Gary Chapman explores what he believes is the cause of all marital dysfunction and breakdown: the different languages in which love can be expressed. According to Chapman, we each respond to one of the five “love languages”–affirmation, time, gifts, service, and touch–and will only feel sufficiently loved when we’re being spoken to by our mates in that language.

The breakdown of the five love languages was fascinating, but Chapman’s “love is a choice” philosophy is so bogus, it’s not even funny. It’s that kind of bass-ackwards thinking that lead many people into unhealthy relationships in the first place, and he wants to keep them there? Please.

According to Chapman, “real love” is a benign act we engage in willingly–like picking up cereal or refilling the gas tank on the way home from work–while being “in love” is a fabricated emotion built on obsession.

“…falling in love is not real love,” writes Chapman, “because it is effortless. Whatever we do in the in-love state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part.”

The points Chapman makes are valid, but he approaches them with the kind of anti-divorce tunnel vision that is far too common in these kinds of books. You can no more choose to love someone than you can choose to be a blond-haired, blue-eyed mermaid who lives in an oversized clam shell off the coast of Maine. Oh, sure, you can bleach your hair, pop in a pair of contact lenses, and pretend you’re a mermaid who lives in a clam shell off the coast of Maine, but that doesn’t make it real.

And that’s exactly the point I’m getting at. Chapman derides the “in love” feeling as being synthetic emotion, and yet, when push comes to shove, insists that when it comes to “real love”, choosing to fake it is the way to go. Um. I don’t have any fancy-schmancy degrees to back me up, but if you ask me, a forced act of love is about as genuine and meaningful as an effortless act of obsession. It’s the wavering between the two extremes that leaves this book cold and sterile. I imagine the real “real love” is a happy medium between those two extremes–neither self-destrucive nor impotent.

All in all, I’d say the author gets it about half right, as much as his own personal values will let him. I would’ve been more pleased if the focus had been on choices made and physical actions done out of love than a crash course on how to fake it ’til you make it. There are a multitude of reasons why two partners fail to make a real and lasting connection with each other, and not every divorce is a failure. Sometimes that’ the only way for the family unit to survive without being severely damaged. Asserting that we should all assign blame where there should be none is nothing but a recipe for resentment.

Rating: C-(less)

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12/10/08

Sara rated it:

Read in November, 2008

eh. See, here's the thing... it's an ok book on bringing ideas about how to pamper your spouse to light but I can't say that it was Biblically sound or inspired. I would have liked to read more about the sanctity of marriage and where it comes in to play with my relationship with God. I also think that the metaphors were WAY over used.

That being said: it reminded me a lot of what my spouse does for me, and how to say thank you. It honestly was pretty interesting in the way that it d...more

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