Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline

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Sacred Marriage: Celebrating Marriage as a Spiritual Discipline

4.23 of 5 stars 4.23 · rating details · 2,910 ratings · 280 reviews

Starting with the discovery that the goal of marriage goes beyond personal happiness, writer and speaker Gary Thomas invites readers to see how God can use marriage as a discipline and a motivation to love Him more and reflect more of the character of His Son.

Hardcover, 288 pages

Published February 1st 2000 by Zondervan Publishing Company (first published January 1st 2000)

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Nov 24, 2008 Jl rated it 1 of 5 stars

I got rid of my copy before finishing it (roughly four years ago). Between my incomplete reading and poor memory, I am probably doing the book a disservice. But here are some of my criticisms:
1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our li...more I got rid of my copy before finishing it (roughly four years ago). Between my incomplete reading and poor memory, I am probably doing the book a disservice. But here are some of my criticisms:
1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our lives to make us holier, including marriage. But I think the overall purpose of marriage is to make us happy. If God designed marriage, then I see it as one good option in living an abundant life on earth. If I shared Thomas’ view, I may not have gotten married (my purpose, at least, was to be happy). On the other hand, maybe I would have married anyway, since…
2. Being single does not appear to be a good option. I think too great a burden is placed on marriage, depicting it as a unique revealer of God, ourselves, and as a light to the world. I know this is a book about marriage, and there’s no need to include benefits of being single. Still, I felt like marriage was being exalted far above being single, which seems to contradict what Jesus and Paul said about being single. Also, I object to ideas like a strong marriage will picture to the world the reconciling love of Christ for His church. Not only because I’m skeptical of such a message being received, but also because I don’t think that it exists within the marriage. (Neither spouse plays the role of Redeemer; big jump from a relationship between two humans of equal footing to Christ and the church.) The emphasis on marriage as a witnessing tool also contributes to another issue…
3. Divorce is never an option. Thomas says, “The first reason I keep my marriage together is because it is my Christian duty. If my life is based on proclaiming God’s message to the world, I don’t want to do anything to challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?” I didn’t notice encouragement to flee abusive marriages, to protect children from harmful spouses, etc. (I would say it is sometimes one’s Christian duty to leave a marriage). But apart from that, I found his condemnation of a failed marriage to be too harsh.
4. This book could be detrimental if read by someone with a demanding or controlling spouse. In fact, Thomas goes so far as to say, “The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my wife happy was extraordinary. Can it mean, then, that if my wife is unhappy, I’m failing God?” No, an unhappy spouse does not equal a failure on the part of the other spouse (it does not mean a failure on anyone’s part). One is not to blame for the actions, attitudes, or emotions of one’s spouse.
5. I usually dislike gender-based advice. While I readily acknowledge differences between men and women, I think cultural differences are too often attributed to biology, and too many generalizations are made. If a couple happens to fit Thomas’ stereotypes, the book will be more useful for them. I didn’t think it fit too well for my husband and me.
6. As someone who doesn’t believe in a gender hierarchy, I object whenever patriarchal teaching occurs.
I’d prefer the book if it didn’t take a doctrinal approach, and instead just tried to offer helpful relational advice.
I got the quotes from the book’s study guide. I really shouldn’t write anything without the book itself, or a better memory, but that hasn’t stopped me from hazarding opinions anyway.
(less)

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Dec 22, 2011 Pete Foley rated it 4 of 5 stars

Excellent book on marriage which right out of the gate challenges the prevailing social myths about marriage and its purpose in society. Thomas starts off with a quick review of the Romantic period and its influence on how we perceive marriage and what we expect out of it: un-dying romantic love and bliss, a partner who's focused solely on your needs, etc. He points out that this is a relatively recent phenomenon and that marriage was not always perceived this way. He then posits a pretty pivota...more

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Oct 03, 2012 D. Pease rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is absolutely amazing. The tag on the cover sums it up: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This is a ground-breaking concept in today's world of serial divorces. We seem to shop for spouses like we shop for new clothes. When the marriage gets difficult, or just worn out, we get a new wife or husband.

But what if marriage is supposed to be hard? What if the "worse" in for better or for worse is pretty much a guarantee, and designed by God, to dra...more

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Sep 02, 2012 Chin Hwa rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

A thought-provoking and challenging book on the way marriage can be used to build character and foster a servant-hearted, humble attitude in each spouse. When the media is saturated with notions of self-fulfillment and romance as the most important elements of a happy marriage, Gary Thomas paints a picture of what he calls a "sacred marriage", shaped by sacrificial love and the spiritual disciplines of forgiveness, perseverance, and respect.

Some gems from the book:

'When disagreements arise, the...more

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Jul 28, 2011 Peter Coleman added it · review of another edition

It is an empty victory when we imagine that we have somehow guarded ourselves against the influences of a corrupt culture by throwing a string of letters before every video game, television show and movie, warning us of the dangers that lay beyond. The trouble is that there are perfectly clean movies that are free of obscene language, nudity and violence yet still portray a system of values out of sync with a Christian worldview. Though far more subtle, it is these dangers that can destroy the h...more

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Apr 02, 2011 April Knapp rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites, christianity

Original Review posted HERE

I think every married couple should read this book! Of course, if you are not a believer in Jesus, you probably won't like it. But, I found the book both comforting and challenging.

Gary Thomas writes in a way that's easy to understand and follow with several appropriate anecdotes to illustrate his points. I usually have a hard time reading non-fiction, but this book flowed nicely. It took me a long time to read because there is so much meat in it to process!

Furthermore...more

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Feb 28, 2011 Cori rated it 4 of 5 stars

So why would the unmarried girl want to read a book about marriage? Well, my recently married friend Brittney was reading it in a couples Bible study. She said thought was helpful for married people, but she really wanted to give it to all her unmarried friends because she thought it would set up some more realistic expectations for marriage (what, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns?). And seeing as most of our single friends would tell her where she could kindly stick the book, she thought I wo...more

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Aug 21, 2010 Mike E. rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: christian-marriage

This book is also worth reading but falls short of the "must read" marriage book that I am searching for. Thomas writes, "This is a book that looks beyond marriage. Spiritual growth is the main theme; marriage is simply the context."

His primary theme is reflected by his rhetorical question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" To which I would respond--what if even this question makes marriage something that it's not? Marriage is indeed the most important h...more

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Aug 06, 2009 Shannon rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, faith

For the first time in four or five years, I did a Bible Study this summer that wasn't an inductive study. To be quite honest, I was a bit fearful that I would hate doing a book study. I can't stand "how to" books and really hate being led by the nose to a specific conclusion. (Issues with authority, you think?) So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoy this book. Here's why:

#1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Tho...more For the first time in four or five years, I did a Bible Study this summer that wasn't an inductive study. To be quite honest, I was a bit fearful that I would hate doing a book study. I can't stand "how to" books and really hate being led by the nose to a specific conclusion. (Issues with authority, you think?) So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoy this book. Here's why:

#1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Thomas encourages us to don new glasses in viewing our marriages. When we choose to do this, we can see our marriage not for what we gain from it, but for how it can shape and change us to be more like Christ.

#2) This book is readable. Our group read two chapters each week and I found I could usually read the most of the two chapters in one treadmill session (roughly 30 minutes).

#3) While the book is readable, it is still thought-provoking. Two chapters each week were plenty to read and ponder. Whether I'm reading fiction or non-fiction, I like a book that makes me think. This book not only made me think, it made me thankful for the marriage I have and made me take concrete steps to ease small frustrations I might have with my mate.

#4) This book has stayed with me. I finished the book a few weeks ago and honestly didn't even think about reviewing it until yesterday. What prompted me to reconsider were conversations with two separate friends about how good I think this book is. One friend shared her challenges to regain her footing in her marriage after the birth of her first child. Another talked about her husband's ongoing work commitments and the drain this places on her family. I didn't have any wisdom of my own to offer, but did share that I think this book would be great for either of them to read.

I've been married 13 years. This book made me thankful for the marriage I have. It also made me determined to pour myself into my marriage. Not to change my husband, but to be changed. If you're recently married, engaged or have been married for years, I'd encourage you to read this book. For the cost of a few hours spent reading, you can see marriage in a new way.(less)

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Apr 27, 2010 Victoria Wheeler rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christianity

This book began with several problems for me, and really the best chapters come toward the end. First, I wasn't particularly fond of the portrayal of women in the book as always housewives or working women "toppled by their ambition." I couldn't decide if this was because Thomas's own wife was a housewife and so that was the male-female relationship he knew more to speak about, which seems reasonable, or if he very firmly holds to a complementarian view of men and women, which often is a tricky...more This book began with several problems for me, and really the best chapters come toward the end. First, I wasn't particularly fond of the portrayal of women in the book as always housewives or working women "toppled by their ambition." I couldn't decide if this was because Thomas's own wife was a housewife and so that was the male-female relationship he knew more to speak about, which seems reasonable, or if he very firmly holds to a complementarian view of men and women, which often is a tricky business to me. Relatedly, the book is certainly written from a very masculine standpoint, and often seems to be written to men. That is not to say women can't gain insights from the book, merely that the male voice within the book is unmistakable.

Otherwise, the book is certainly peculiar. There are many great single lines and lessons within the book that can engage on a very practical level. I was very impressed with a lot of the passages about how sometimes God calls us to humble ourselves and choose to be the better person even if we're not getting back at the time in a marriage not only for the sake of a better marriage or to get along with a partner, but simply because God often commands us to love unconditionally without getting it in return. This was an obvious lesson, but very profound to me (perhaps because I'm always terrified of giving more than I get). At the same time, because the book refuses to be another "10 Steps to a Happy Marriage" book, it offers little advice, especially not until the end, for how to handle conflict. The book readily admits couples will not always get along and sometimes things will even be unfair, but often it does not offer a good solution for how to toe the line between addressing your needs so that your partner can fulfill them (which it says you should do) and understanding when things aren't going to go your way and humbly deciding to love your partner anyway (which it also says to do, for God's sake).

I actually really like Thomas's main thesis, which is simply put that marriage, before anything else, is not designed necessarily to make us happy but instead to make us grow in God. I can see how other reviewers could think (as I did at parts) that he seems to push this point too hard, instead forgetting the joys, delight, and companionship that marriage really can bring. At the same time I think it is an important message that is often lost in these times. Christian or not, a marriage is a commitment to make something as permanent as humanly possible, so it requires commitment in the face of much ugliness and adversity. Having seen poor marriages, it is clear to me that not all marriages are an idyllic state, even if we like them to be. Even the best marriages go through trying times. For those people, or during those times, Thomas's message is one of hope, showing that even in the worst moments we are engaged in an important project not just for the betterment of our partners but ourselves and our relationship with God.

While I do not regret having read this book as a young woman soon to enter into marriage, I definitely think the audience is meant to be already married couples who find themselves disillusioned by the commitment they've entered. You're going to find advice for addressing the partner you have, not finding a better one or somehow changing him or her. Likewise, if you're looking for easy steps to fix your marriage, don't read this, because there aren't any. If you're looking for food for thought in helping you understand and define the nature of the commitment you've made as well as what can make you stronger within it, then certainly check out this book.(less)

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Jun 22, 2012 Erin rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian

I read the first few chapters of this book when I was newly engaged, as my pastor recommended it to my husband and I to read as part of our per-marriage counseling. In the throes of my soon-to-be-wed state, I didn't take the words of this book too seriously. I thought to myself, "Of course I'm going to love and serve my husband. Of course I am going to grow spiritually. Dissension in my marriage??? NEVER!" However, five years have passed and I revisited this book, reading it through to the end....more

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Feb 16, 2010 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is full of interesting insights and things to think about and to be fair, I think I would get a lot more out of it if I re-read it a time or two. I don't read a lot of books on marriage or parenting anymore because you have to admit the formula of "you're doin' it wrong, let me show you the one true way!" gets really old not to mention contradictory and confusing. What I love most about this book is that is NOT at all like that. You won't find 7 tips to communicate better, or sex secre...more This book is full of interesting insights and things to think about and to be fair, I think I would get a lot more out of it if I re-read it a time or two. I don't read a lot of books on marriage or parenting anymore because you have to admit the formula of "you're doin' it wrong, let me show you the one true way!" gets really old not to mention contradictory and confusing. What I love most about this book is that is NOT at all like that. You won't find 7 tips to communicate better, or sex secrets every couple should know, or how to make him understand women, or how to make her understand men. This book isn't about how to do marriage right, it's about what marriage will do to your soul as you struggle to do your best in your relationship with your spouse. It's about the insights you can gain about God and life from sharing your life intimately with another person. There is discussion of selflessness and sacrifice but it's in a larger context than "do this to make your marriage work." The funny thing is, Thomas very successfully makes the point that if you allow the work of marriage to transform you as an individual, your relationship will also be all that much stronger.

As far as weak points, I often felt like as a woman Thomas was not really speaking to me, that a lot of his stronger statements were more addressed to the male half of a couple and a man's perspective. There was much of value for me to ponder nonetheless, but at times it got a little frustrating that he didn't seem to realize how gender-specific the insights were. Also, while I appreciate he is coming at relationships from a slightly more traditional perspective than I am, I was a little chafed by some of the "women are always like this, men are always like that" assumptions. I am not a soft and delicate flower, but am no less worthy of respect and consideration and no less a woman because of that; also, my husband doesn't play golf, unlike seemingly every other husband in this book. I speak with tongue in cheek there, but just a bit--there really is an awful lot of golf going on!(less)

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Jan 24, 2010 Brett Mclaughlin rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: marriage, theology

"Sacred Marriage" continues to be my go-to book on marriage (which by definition for me could be restated as "Christian marriage"). This is my third reading, and I still find myself underlining, "hmm"-ing out loud, and learning. Thomas treats marriage with a respect far greater toward God than for happiness, and that makes this book unique and profound.

The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one t...more "Sacred Marriage" continues to be my go-to book on marriage (which by definition for me could be restated as "Christian marriage"). This is my third reading, and I still find myself underlining, "hmm"-ing out loud, and learning. Thomas treats marriage with a respect far greater toward God than for happiness, and that makes this book unique and profound.

The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one that is explored on every page of every chapter. Thomas' concept is simply stated, albeit hard to live: is the end of marriage personal happiness, or sanctification? It's obvious that Thomas believes the end of marriage is indeed personal sanctification, and Scripture would bear out his conclusions.

Because of this unusual premise, the chapters in the book are not what you might expect. Each chapter deals with one area of personal holiness that marriage deals with: truth about God, good prayer, building character, serving, and so forth. In other words, you won't find the typical chapters on "finances," "in-laws," "sex," and so forth. That sort of inward focus--how can this or that area of marriage be improved--goes against the very nature of what Thomas writes: God is most glorified not when a marriage is pleasing to those involved, but when those involved are focused on Christ, rather than themselves or even each other.

As much as the book is excellent, though, it needs some complementing. Because of the Godward-focus, there are areas that married coupled should investigate, in light of a God-glorifying lens. Sexuality must be examined, probably in greater light than does Thomas. The same is certainly true for gender roles and headship. This is not an end-all resource, but it doesn't seem to attempt that goal. It does purport to be a central guide and correction for marriages that are focused on satisfaction in self and each other, though, and that is much needed.

If you believe Scripture to be true, you really have no good excuse for not purchasing this book. It bears repeated readings, and will challenge your ideas about marriage many times over.(less)

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Jan 17, 2013 Jessica Stock rated it 3 of 5 stars

The subtitle to this book is, What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? and yes, Thomas goes to great lengths to make his case that God's purpose for marriage is to help us deepen our relationship with God and to make us more like Christ. (But like a friend said, it doesn't sound like much fun! heh) He takes more of a heart approach than Keller to navigating the "long conversation" of marriage, and makes some interesting parallels between marriage and our relation...more

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Sep 28, 2012 Dana_kendall rated it 3 of 5 stars

I love the line: "God gave us marriage not to make us happy, but to make us holy". My husband and I have found this to be so true in our marriage. Not that we are not satisfied in our marriage; however, when we pursue happiness and fulfillment as THE ultimate goals, we find that these very things continually elude us. We are finding that our marriage is the safe place---the training ground--where God grows our characters. Sometimes it's pretty painful, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

As m...more

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Mar 16, 2010 Karen rated it 2 of 5 stars

This book could have been condensed into one chapter. In my opinion, he's a little too heavy-handed with the whole idea of marriage as a spiritual discipline. Although there is some element of truth in what he's saying, he comes across as being himself in a pretty joyless marriage due to having married very young. I will confess that part of my annoyance with the book is his complementarian view of gender roles, which I staunchly disagree with. But not a bad read entirely. He is right in that mo...more

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Jul 19, 2012 Allison rated it 5 of 5 stars

I thought this was an amazing book. Loved the perspective the author gives. Husband is reading it now as well and we're going to try reading it together annually. I recommend it to those married and single alike. So much information that would be helpful to anyone regardless of relationship status. Reminds us that God has intent for us in every covenant we have with Him and others and that He has a plan for each of us. Obviously, this book touches on this aspect specifically in our marriages but...more

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Jun 30, 2010 Erika added it · review of another edition

Source: browsing in Christian book store
Response: Dave and I read it together so we could talk about marital things as we went along. It didn’t stimulate tons on conversation, partly because we both agreed with most of what he said, and partly because it seems like it’s directed to male readers. We both really like the premise that marriage is an avenue to holiness and a tool God uses to perfect us, rather than an end for happiness. He really emphasizes serving your spouse out of obedience to Go...more

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Jan 04, 2012 Kzee Mikols rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: relationship-books, christian-non-fiction

This has been one of my favorite relationship books I have read. He really gets down to what marriage is really supposed to be about, God and holiness. So often, people make marriage into a selfish endeavor but this book counters that in a great way. It gives you success stories from couples who went through hard times and failure stories to help you learn from others mistakes. I really loved this book and I would recommend it to anyone looking to get married, already married, or especially anyo...more

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Nov 29, 2008 Shaun rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book gets you to think a little out of the box about marriage. How often do we get married to become more Holy rather than to be happy? The author provides excellent challenges on marriage from a biblical perspective and follows those up with real life practical examples of celebrities and hypothetical situations based on real people. The overall idea is to become more Holy meaning to present God's love to your spouse, forgive your spouse as God as forgiven us, to welcome the spiritual chal...more

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Apr 05, 2013 Amber rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: marriage, christianity, womanhood

Seems like everybody's reading this book. I read it after it was recommended to me and I'm so glad I picked it up. A little skeptical at first glance, being that I've read just about every book known to bookstores about marriage, but I was pleasantly surprised. It never fails to amaze me how I get to the point of prideful resignation on a topic thinking that I've learned all there is and then God shows me more. And He's polite about it. "Here, read this book. It might help."

The author, Gary Thom...more

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May 05, 2012 Joy rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2012-reads, christian, non-fiction

I read this for a women's bible study. It was not the easiest book to get into. While I do think there is a lot of valuable insight, I found myself annoyed with the way this author views gender roles. I was frustrated hearing over and over about how the man is strong, the man needs sex more, etc. And on the opposite side, the woman is more nurturing, the woman needs to talk about things more...honestly, I stopped reading sometimes because I kept thinking, "Was this written by a cave man???" Not...more

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Aug 03, 2011 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: communication-relationships, christian-life

Definitely a conversation starter-- appreciated the challenge of the author's theory on the purpose of marriage (to become better, more faithful people; strengthen our relationship with Christ). He argues that when you make selflessness and service your primary focus, those things that we usually set our sights on (self-fulfillment, happiness/overall sense of purpose- mainly self-serving goals, which are natural), fall into place as an added bonus within a marriage. This book only applies to peo...more

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Nov 22, 2012 gina rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: audiobook, relationships, religious

The audiobook perhaps comes across differently than the printed book... but the audio felt like one really long sermon. Looooong. And very repetitive. It could have been easily condensed. You know, like, into a sermon?

Joking aside, the book felt overly long, repetitive, and sometimes easy to tune out which is never what you want in an audiobook. I'm not sure I heard anything new or life changing in it that I haven't already heard. But at the very end of the book he says something to the effect...more The audiobook perhaps comes across differently than the printed book... but the audio felt like one really long sermon. Looooong. And very repetitive. It could have been easily condensed. You know, like, into a sermon?

Joking aside, the book felt overly long, repetitive, and sometimes easy to tune out which is never what you want in an audiobook. I'm not sure I heard anything new or life changing in it that I haven't already heard. But at the very end of the book he says something to the effect of- that he likes being told his sermons are unoriginal because he wants to repeat the solid biblical truths and make sure we get those... something like that. But then in the book he said more than once in different ways that he felt no one else was saying what he was saying, and that he hadn't read anyone saying what he was about to say.. (insert said thing) to which I'd think... I have- I've heard this before. But I didn't look at the copyright on the book. Maybe when he wrote it it really wasn't a big topic like it definitely is now. There are numerous books, recorded sermons, websites etc on this topic... anyway. If you haven't read this type of topic before then you'll get more out of it than I did. But if you have, then unless you need a refresher- skip this book for something else. Plus I HATE how these male authors never seem to believe that a woman should work out of the home. They have wives that are stay at home and their comments about what wives should be doing (all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc etc) never seem to take into consideration those of us who HAVE to work outside the homes. Now, I know there is a contingent of people who believe that anyone who wants to stay home *can* definitely make that happen because God will provide or whatnot... But I've only ever heard this from rich white women at different church functions I've been to. Women who have never had to work because they "married well." I don't think they have a realistic view of how some people live- barely making ends meet. Anyway, I'm on a tangent. My point is that these male authors write from a sexist point of view that they can't get their minds out of because it's so intrinsically part of who they are and their culture and their world view. I don't think they see the way their comments might hurt a woman who works outside the home and isn't polly homemaker. Anyway, that isn't the main point of his book, it just sticks out to me as a working wife (& eventually a working mother) that these books seem to be written only for cookie cutter "he works she stays home" type families. Only drawing on their examples. Only referencing families like his own. Is there no room for mine? Am I excluded because I don't stay at home? Why is it so impossible to find a christian relationship book written for and by an actual working *outside the home* mom. I know they are out there! I just haven't stumbled across them yet. Surely they are out there...(less)

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May 04, 2010 Skylar Burris rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: christianity, marriage

Sacred Marriage is “not a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage.” It’s not even a book that seeks to tell you how to have a better marriage than you currently have. It is, rather, a book that tells you how to endure your marriage. Cheery, no? But if you accept marriage as a life-long proposition, then chances are, there will be times, perhaps seasons, when you simply do have to endure it, and I have yet to discover another book that advises people how to endure those times w...more Sacred Marriage is “not a book that seeks to tell you how to have a happier marriage.” It’s not even a book that seeks to tell you how to have a better marriage than you currently have. It is, rather, a book that tells you how to endure your marriage. Cheery, no? But if you accept marriage as a life-long proposition, then chances are, there will be times, perhaps seasons, when you simply do have to endure it, and I have yet to discover another book that advises people how to endure those times while growing in character.

There are no “ten ways to spark up your love life” to be found here; no “six steps to better communication”. Rather, Sacred Marriage is “a book that looks at how we can use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations” (but, let’s be honest here, mostly the struggles) “of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character.”

I once heard an Indian pastor say, “In America, if you ask parents what they most want for their children, parents usually answer that they want their children to be happy. In India, parents usually answer that they want their children to be good.” Now, being good sometimes results in being happy, but not always. And being happy often does not require being good. We Americans tend to enter marriage thinking that it will make us happy, and if it fails to make us happy, we often leave, and this is just as true for Christians as it is for anyone else (in fact, Thomas points out that the divorce rate is actually higher among self-identified “born again” Christians than it is among secular people). “What if,” Gary Thomas asks, “God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” It’s neither a romantic nor a mercenary way of looking at marriage, but it may be the most useful way to look at life-long marriage in a fallen world.

I recommend this book to any Christian who has ever felt less than fulfilled in his or her marriage or who has ever considered divorce. I personally would not recommend it to the engaged or the newlywed, however. It’s not that I think newlyweds should not be forewarned that a life-long marriage will almost inevitably entail some period of hardship, it’s that the book does make marriage seem rather like a crucible, and, unless you’ve already felt some marriage pains, you are bound either to be alarmed by the book or to be dismissive of its truths.

Sacred Marriage is a book written by a man and largely for men, but women can also benefit from reading it, and I feel I did, despite the fact that I often did not feel his gender stereotypes applied to my own marriage. I run into this in secular marriage books as well, so it’s not a complaint about the author’s Christian traditionalism. It’s just, apparently, a universal tendency in books about relationships to assume women are always like X and men are always like Y.

Overall, I thought the book was insightful and that it did the important work of dispelling an unhealthy romanticism with regard to marriage, but I did feel that he occasionally took things too far, that the book had too much to say about the struggles of marriage and too little to say about the joys. At times, I even felt he risked blurring the line between being selfless and being a doormat. Finally, he took too many pages to say some basic things. Despite all this, I rate the book highly because of the amount of truth that is in it, harsh though that truth may be, because of how desperately this message is needed in a society that teaches us to perpetually seek self-fulfillment, and because divorce causes so much poverty and emotional and social instability in our modern world.
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Mar 21, 2010 Michael rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

There are a lot of Christian marriage books out there. I found this one better than many. It was not a how-to of marriage. Rather, it operated on the premise that marriage is not just about getting along and being happy, but rather marriage is meant to make both husband and wife more like Christ.

This book took one of the most balanced approaches I have seen to the issue of singleness vs. marriage. It helped to dispel the common idea that to be single is somehow more godly because it allows a per...more

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Jul 25, 2012 Lacie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: favorites

"What if God didn't design marriage to be 'easier'? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness,m our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" (p. 13)
"We need to remind ourselves of the ridiculousness of looking for something from other humans that only God can provide." (pg. 25).
"Everything I am to say & do in my life is to be supportive of this gospel...more "What if God didn't design marriage to be 'easier'? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness,m our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" (p. 13)
"We need to remind ourselves of the ridiculousness of looking for something from other humans that only God can provide." (pg. 25).
"Everything I am to say & do in my life is to be supportive of this gospel ministry of reconciliation, and that commitment begins by displaying reconciliation in my personal relationships, especially in my marriage. IF my marriage contradicts my message, I have sabotaged the goal of my life: to be pleasing to Christ and to faithfully fulfill the ministry of reconciliation, proclaiming to the world the good news that we can be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ." (p. 34)
"We are called to honor someone even when we know only too well their deepest character flaws. We are called to stretch ourselves, to find out how we can learn to respect this person with whom we've become so familiar." (pg. 55)
"As our partners and their weaknesses become more familiar to us, respect often becomes harder to give. But this failure to show respect is a sign of spiritual immaturity more than an inevitable pathway of marriage." (pg. 57)
"Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude." (pg. 67)
"This is a fallen world. Let me repeat this: You will never find a spouse who is not affected in some way by the reality of the Fall. If you can't respect this spouse because she is prone to certain weaknesses, you will never be able to respect any spouse." (pg. 69)
"Couples don't fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance. Sin, wrong attitudes, and personal failures that are not dealt with slowly erode the relationship assaulting and eventually erasing the once lofty promises made in the throes of an earlier (and less polluted) passion...the temptation will be to hide them or even run to another relationship where the attitudes won't be so well known." (pg. 96)
"But if your heart is driven by the desire to draw near to Jesus, you find joy by becoming like Jesus. You'll never find that joy by doing something that offends Jesus--such as instigating a divorce or an affair." (p. 101)
"The righteousness God seeks is a persistent righteousness, a commitment to continue making the right decision even when, perhaps hourly you feel pulled in the opposite direction." (p. 108)
"One of the great spiritual challenges for any Christian is to become less self-absorbed. We are born intensely self-focused." (p. 154)
"What homemaker hasn't found herself asking, after the fiftieth load of laundry in a week or when facing yet another sink full of dirty dishes, "Is there anything significant about what I'm doing here?" Yet in God's eyes, nothing is more significant than servanthood. The path to genuine greatness lies in serving." (pg. 182)
"Every hunger that entices us in the flesh is an exploitation of a need that can be better met by God." (p. 210)
"The tongue can be cruel in two ways: by speaking evil, or by refraining from speaking good. We need to recognize the offensiveness of pervasive silence within marriage." (p. 233)
"What if a few Christian couples took this pioneering challenge seriously and made it their goal to become a "couple saint"? No longer defining their relationship to God in solitary terms, but working together to present themselves as a holy unit, a pair of cherubim in the middle of whom God's presence is radically enlivened? (p. 268)(less)

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Jun 23, 2009 Jason rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2007, 2009

This book took me a while to get through likely because 1) it was required reading for marriage counseling and required readings mess with my mind and 2) because of Gary Thomas' writing style (he writes in a very straightforward and dry way that leaves me yearning for some humor or life.

Despite going into this book with my eyes clouded because of the above mentioned issues, I enjoyed this book. He has some very great ideas about marriage and the holiness that can be attained through it. I now s...more

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Jun 14, 2008 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Christians preparing for marriage

Shelves: marriage, books-i-own

I'm never sure what I'll get when I pick up a Christian book on marriage; some can be gimmicky or cliched or simply tiresome. But there are definitely some gems out there, and I count Sacred Marriage among them.

Instead of asking how spirituality shapes married life, Gary Thomas asks how marriage can shape our spirituality. This is the very question I have been pondering since I began thinking about marriage as a form of radical discipleship. Thomas considers what it means to say that marriage i...more

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Sep 06, 2008 Mikejencostanzo rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: reviewed

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas has been a sequel to A Severe Mercy in my personal journey of understanding marriage. Severe Mercy got me excited about marriage, and about the potential for intimate, kindred spirit connection with my spouse. However, in thinking about marriage in light of spiritual reality, I was left with questions that Severe Mercy couldn't answer.

For example, in the biblical passage Matthew 22, Jesus talked to some men who were questioning him about marriage. In this passage,...more

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About Gary L. Thomas

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Gary Thomas is a writer, speaker and the founder and director of the Center for Evangelical Sprirituality - a ministry that integrates Scripture, church history and the Christian classics. He's spoken in 49 states, four coutries and his books have been translated into eleven languages. His books have won and be...more

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Books by Gary L. Thomas

Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls

Sacred Pathways: Discover Your Soul's Path to God

Sacred Marriage Participant's Guide: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands

Authentic Faith: The Power of a Fire-Tested Life

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