The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

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The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

4.16 of 5 stars 4.16 · rating details · 7,026 ratings · 1,231 reviews

In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the US's leading expert on violent behaviour, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger - before it's too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and...more

Paperback, 352 pages

Published July 2000 by Bloomsbury Publishing PLC (first published 1997)

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May 04, 2008 Jennifer rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book is a primer on how to keep yourself safe by listening to your own intuition and following your instincts. Violence is seldom random - we almost always have warning signals long before the boyfriend refuses to be broken up with or the employee with the gun climbs the clock tower.

I'll relate my own Gavin de Becker-esqe story here, by way of example.

Several years ago I had a well-liked roommate who needed to break the lease and move to another city. We both interviewed roommates from the...more

45 likes · like · see review

Mar 03, 2010 Goran Powell rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: All martial Artists

Recommended to Goran by: Especially Women

All martial artists should read this.

Hopefully you already know that awareness is by far the most important aspect of self-defense. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker tells us how to tune into the body's natural awareness (a subconscious intuition for danger that is hard-wired into our psyche). Basically he argues that our intuition is a far better judge than our logical mind when it comes to danger.

The author runs a security firm that guards Presidents and A list celebs among others, his tra...more

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Aug 20, 2008 Sheena rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Everyone who interacts with people at all. Meaning, you.

Shelves: reference

After the fifth or sixth person either recommended "The Gift of Fear" or mentioned reading it, I made sure to find it at the library.
"The Gift of Fear" is a tough read at times, due to discussion of violent crimes. However, the subject -- learning to trust that true reaction of fear when in a situation or encountering someone that just doesn't seem right -- is one that more people should spend time thinking about.
While De Becker emphasizes listening to the reaction of fear, he discourages worry,...more

4 likes · like · see review

Mar 17, 2013 lindsey rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: ebook, owned, important

a friend gave me this book when I was 18, after a traumatic event in my life. im rating it five stars not just for the content, but for as valuable as i (personally and directly) found it to be. i have reread it a few times, and its relevancy and accuracy hasnt diminished.

i recommend this book to women i know who care about personal safety, but also to people who are interested in the patterns of human behavior; its not just insight into what i consider 'bad behavior,' its a very interesting be...more

3 likes · like · see review

Apr 02, 2013 Ellen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Removed a caveat here that said I hadn't quite finished the book because, well, I've finished it. Thoughts haven't changed. Enjoy the review!

People are saying that this should be required reading for all women, and while there's certainly a heavy emphasis on women in dangerous relationships or situations, this recommendation is a wee bit shortsighted. I think that everyone could benefit from reading it, particularly when it comes to the examples he gave about the businessman who wouldn't leave a...more Removed a caveat here that said I hadn't quite finished the book because, well, I've finished it. Thoughts haven't changed. Enjoy the review!

People are saying that this should be required reading for all women, and while there's certainly a heavy emphasis on women in dangerous relationships or situations, this recommendation is a wee bit shortsighted. I think that everyone could benefit from reading it, particularly when it comes to the examples he gave about the businessman who wouldn't leave a (male) company owner alone, or the chapter on troublesome employees.

I had a bit of a hard time with this book at first, for a very basic reason: this is a scary book. The first story alone (about the woman who was raped by a man who conned his way into her apartment) was enough to raise my hackles, and the stories just kept coming. Though in reality this didn't take up that much of the book, it felt like I was slogging through a lot of terror in order to get to the empowering part. The book was making me feel scared and helpless, so I put it down for awhile.

Then, months later, I picked it back up again, because I'd heard so many good things about it from so many people whose opinion on this sort of thing I trust, and because at least one person told me it helped them get away from a particularly poisonous harasser. As it turns out, I had stopped reading right as it was getting good, and from then on I've barely been able to put it down.

One thing I've heard from critics of the book is that the chapter on domestic violence is a bit victim-blaming, and I do have to say I agree. The chapter is helpful, and does go a bit into why battered women often choose not to leave, but then glosses over it by saying that by "letting" herself be battered a second time, she is a volunteer. This is a message that in my opinion is more harmful than helpful to women who have been abused--what you don't want is to tell an abuse victim that she should've made better life choices. She already knows that, she already blames herself for what has happened, and she already beats herself up for it; there is no need to make this feeling worse.

Also part of this is the fact that the DV community has found that it's not beneficial to tell these women what to do (by repeating "leave him leave him leave him!") without regard to what the victim herself wants. This is why people who counsel friends of victims on what to do for support tend to warn them away from demanding that the victim leave--the goal is for her to feel like she is in control of her own life, otherwise she'll resist change, no matter how beneficial it may seem. Good DV advice counsels victims on options they have, things they can do if they decide to stay, with an escape plan if/when it becomes necessary. I would suggest that survivors of abuse either skip that chapter altogether, if they're not ready for it, or take it with a HUGE grain of salt.

Other than that, this has been a superb book and I recommend it to anyone who would be interested in reading it.(less)

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Sep 26, 2010 Emily Achenbaum Harris rated it 4 of 5 stars

Not perfectly written or organized, but still a must read.

The book says it's scientifically proven that we non-sociopaths have a physical reaction around sociopaths that we try to ignore or explain away, especially if the sociopath seems "normal." Book walks the reader through our own animal instincts designed to protect us, giving examples of when our bodies say no (suddenly tense, sweating, urge to run) but our brains, in fear of looking dumb or rude, say yes (he looks like a nice guy, sure I...more

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Dec 26, 2009 Emily rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

This book has some useful information, particularly for women, and I appreciate that Mr. de Becker gives the reader permission to trust her instincts while aiming to educate and fine-tune her intuition. That said, he seemed to spend a lot of time at the beginning telling me what he was going to tell me instead of just jumping in and telling me. Also, the closer I got to the end of the book, the more outlandish, sensational, and extreme the examples of violent behavior became and the less applica...more

1 like · like · see review

Dec 06, 2009 D.M. rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: everybody

Shelves: self-help, psychology

I'm interested in psychology/human nature I thought this popular book was well worth reading. It talks about warning signs from people who could do harm, whether it be physical or emotional and whether those people could be strangers, in the workplace or well known to one.

It's a comprehensive book on the subject and, at times, I feel it is somewhat drawn out and overstated, particularly in the first half. But I think the author is summarising his career and endeavouring to get his point made. Th...more

1 like · like · see review

Mar 24, 2009 Amber rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: desert-island

The most important book I've ever read. I first encountered de Becker when he was on Oprah years ago, talking about what to teach your child if they get lost in a public place. "Tell them to find a woman who looks like a mommy and ask her for help." After all, how often is a policeman around? This pragmatic, common sense approach stuck with me.

Later, a friend in law enforcement suggested this book and I read it in one sitting. Have a coworker who makes you uneasy? Read this book. Trying to get o...more

16 likes · like · see review

Mar 19, 2009 Barbara M. rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: all-time-favorites

"This book can save your life"...I strongly believe EVERY women should go and buy or borrow this book ASAP. It is unbelievable at how brilliant this book is.

One of the things (but they're many) that really got to me was how Becker really put things in perspective. I'll never ever forget the example of the Antelope in the desert that only "senses" danger in a field; You've seen it on the Discovery Channel where the animals head jerks up and out of no where he runs. Then the next minute a lion or...more

5 likes · like · see review

Sep 24, 2008 Kirsten rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: just about everyone

Shelves: non-fiction, psych-and-neuroscience, borrowed

The more I think about this book, the more impressed I feel with how useful it is. So often, information about avoiding danger that is given to people, particularly women, is unhelpful, dangerous, sexist, and/or serves only to feed into paranoia.

De Becker, in contrast, draws a strong distinction between the culture of fear that we live in (where TV news and email forwards cultivate fear of dangers that are unlikely to occur), and fear as an instinctive tool one can use to protect oneself. He poi...more The more I think about this book, the more impressed I feel with how useful it is. So often, information about avoiding danger that is given to people, particularly women, is unhelpful, dangerous, sexist, and/or serves only to feed into paranoia.

De Becker, in contrast, draws a strong distinction between the culture of fear that we live in (where TV news and email forwards cultivate fear of dangers that are unlikely to occur), and fear as an instinctive tool one can use to protect oneself. He points out repeatedly that there is a difference between helpful fear and anxiety/worry, and that one must learn to quell the voices of paranoia that (for example) tell one that every individual walking down the street is a potential attacker, so that when one encounters someone who actually is a potential attacker, one can "hear" one's fear.

In addition to advising the reader to listen to his/her fear, de Becker also gives helpful tips regarding behaviors to watch for. Does someone refuse to accept "no" for an answer, after it's clearly stated? Do they seek to allay your discomfort by creating camraderie where there is none (using a lot of "we" statements)? Do they seem overly interested, or supply way too many details for someone you've just met?

De Becker doesn't just focus on encounters with strangers or near-strangers (such as dates one has just met). He also spends a great deal of time discussing domestic abuse and child abuse and the way fear functions in these relationships. There is also a great deal of information on workplace violence and ways it can be avoided, which should be required reading for any manager or hiring officer. The only time the book seemed somewhat irrelevant was in the later chapters, where de Becker discusses celebrity stalking and assasinations/assasination attempts. These chapters are interesting from a human behavior standpoint, but are less readily applicable.

Overall, I would recommend this to everyone, but particularly to women like me who sometimes have trouble balancing safety with the desire not to let anxiety rule their lives.(less)

5 likes · like · see review

Jul 10, 2008 Jake rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: anthropology, psychology, self-defense

This book was recommended to me years ago by Tony Blauer and Van Canna Sensei, a very high ranking (and very skilled) Uechi-Ryu instructor. I've read it several times since then, and recently re-read it as prep for a project for my book publicity class. It's a great book, so I thought I'd throw a review of it up here.

The Gift of Fear is a book about violence. Specifically, it's about predicting violence, and how most modern people ignore the signals that their intuition and their body give them...more This book was recommended to me years ago by Tony Blauer and Van Canna Sensei, a very high ranking (and very skilled) Uechi-Ryu instructor. I've read it several times since then, and recently re-read it as prep for a project for my book publicity class. It's a great book, so I thought I'd throw a review of it up here.

The Gift of Fear is a book about violence. Specifically, it's about predicting violence, and how most modern people ignore the signals that their intuition and their body give them about violent, or potentially violent situations. De Becker takes the conceit that violence is random, unpredictable, and unavoidable, and thoroughly debunks it through a combination of research, psychology, and a lot of illustrative stories.

The book begins with a general overview of some of De Becker's main ideas, describes his work in some detail (he runs an agency that provides protective services to a wide variety of clients), and a few stories to help get those ideas across. Later chapters move into more specific types of threats, including stalkers, domestic violence, workplace violence, and eventually culminating with an interesting discussion of assassins. In each chapter, De Becker gives examples of common predictors of certain types of violence, and breaks down a few myths about how to deal with potentially violent predators.

I should be clear—this book is focused almost entirely on verbal and psychological strategies. You won't find diagrams of how to elbow someone in the head or kick someone in the groin here. but the information presented here can help you predict and avoid the situations where you might need to elbow and kick someone, which, to my mind, is the best form of self-defense you can practice.

There's a great deal of really valuable information presented here, and it's presented very well. You don't need to be a practicing martial artist to get a tremendous amount out of this—if you have ever worried about being the victim of violence, read this book. It's worth it.(less)

5 likes · like · see review

Oct 24, 2007 Anna rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: paranoids

I saw a girl reading this on the subway and remembered that I read it 5 years ago or so on the recommendation of a friend. It's basically a book version of those internet forwards that tell women how to protect themselves from random attackers and/or serial killers. The gist of it is: Be aware of how you feel and don't discount your fear.

To some extent, this is smart - most people feel afraid for good reason, and you shouldn't feel silly about your fear. The thing I remember most vividly is a s...more

2 likes · like · see review

Sep 19, 2008 Karen rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: every woman

Forgot to add this to my "read" shelf when I joined Goodreads until I saw that Tori is reading it. This book did change my life and years after reading it, there are many points that remain vivid in my memory and I actually recall them fairly regularly. Although the grim reality of what women in particular face in the sense of being targets on a daily basis is made quite clear through the book and scared me, that wears off while the insights gained have changed my perspective on protecting mysel...more

4 likes · like · see review

Jun 30, 2008 Buffy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Do yourself a favor and read this book several times--you will never doubt your instincts again! Y'know when you meet someone and those little hairs stick up on the back of your neck and you feel silly about not trusting them because you want to give all folks the benefit of the doubt...well, *don't*--it could cost your life or extensive grief! This book also doesn't say to doubt everybody but the overall message is to trust your instincts and if something isn't right--believe it!

He also gives t...more

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Aug 10, 2011 Melissa rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: yikes

This should be required reading for all women everywhere, if only for the opening story. Guy gives women the creeps, offers to help her carry her bags. Not wanting to seem rude, she aquiesces & he "promises" that he'll leave her apartment after he sets her stuff down. Instead, he rapes her. Every women needs to know that it's okay to seem rude, it's okay to be assertive, it's okay to tell some man who says, "There's such a thing as being too proud," to fuck off when you try to turn down the...more

3 likes · like · see review

Sep 08, 2008 Jenn rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: titles-that-caught-my-attention

This is a survival type book which every woman should read at some point in their lives. It helps identify possible danger from stalkers or attackers. One thing I learned from this book that is invaluable is how restraining orders are useless on people that would truly do you harm because it actually provokes the person. Any reaction at all will provoke someone who is already giving you trouble. This was a very interesting book to read. (Well, I actually got it on tape and listened to it). It is...more

1 like · like · see review

Nov 11, 2007 Bridget rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: all women---particularly Southern women

God has given us the capacity for fear as a protective mechanism. Our intuition of fear is often a split-second response to multiple types of sensory information & years of life experiences. Due to social constraints, we frequently ignore our fears and do things that put us in danger either physically or emotionally. Southern women are especially unlikely to act on their fears if doing so would make others embarassed or uncomfortable. This book also has practical information about how to end...more

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Feb 24, 2009 Danna rated it 5 of 5 stars

When I have the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head nasties and am home on the couch, I indulge in comfort reading and pull out old favorites. The Gift of Fear may seem like an odd choice for comfort reading, but it's a very reassuring book that emphatically states what we all need to understand about the pervasiveness of violence in our society and what we can do about it. I'm especially pleased with the way he calls TV news to task for being part of the reason why people have a...more

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May 22, 2013 Maria Pirotte rated it 5 of 5 stars

so basically I personally think that every woman should read this book. It's geared toward women, but also applies to men, and humans in general. The storytelling combined with fact and warning is very appealing to me because this kind of stuff can get really dry really fast, but de Becker does a good job of weaving stories into his writing.

The parts of the book that deal with celebrities and violence doesn't really apply to the general population, but is definitely interesting and something to...more

1 like · like · see review

Mar 04, 2013 Amber rated it 3 of 5 stars

You have a far better defense system than you realize. That is the lesson this book strives to teach. It is an invaluable source of information on learning to recognize your intuition and natural impulses for what they are and to use them appropriately. Although the lesson is one a lot of people know instinctively, it is also one that most people fail to truly understand. This book brings home that safety is of utmost importance and that we do have a innate tool to help enhance our personal secu...more

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Feb 26, 2013 Besha rated it 5 of 5 stars

On the first day of SFSI training for sex educators, we do an exercise called "I Don't Want To Talk About It." Trainees practice saying just that to a partner who inundates them with questions, from the mundane to the highly offensive. (And first-day sex educators can come up with some really offensive questions. Most of them are about anal sex.)

It's hard for many trainees to set that boundary, and most women especially add qualifiers:

"I don't want to talk about that right now."

"I'm sorry, but

...more

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Feb 25, 2013 Katie rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was a really interesting book & I'd recommend that everyone read it. The reason I only gave it 3 stars is 'cause it really could have been cut down into a MUCH smaller book. Whenever he wrote about his company, I skipped it. When he wrote about celebrities, I skipped it. I skimmed/skipped large portions of the book. (If I could cut all that stuff out, I'd give it 5 stars)

The parts I DID read were very educational. He talks convincingly of not discounting your instincts, being aware of...more

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Feb 13, 2013 S'hi rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: psychology-of-power-relations, urban-culture

We are fascinated by fear. Much as we would prefer not to feel it in our daily lives, we seem to crave it in the stories we read and the movies we watch. Gavin De Becker provides plenty for both the fascination and the factual in overcoming or preparing ourselves for fearful situations.
De Becker’s personal story is part of the fascination of this book. He now has a thriving business researching, advising and training others, but all of this came from his own childhood of fear. His ability to re...more

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Jan 27, 2013 Bill rated it 5 of 5 stars

How could fear be a gift? If anyone out there who watches the news and has a wife, daughters, or other women in your life you care about, get them a copy of this book. I bought a copy for my daughter before sending her away to school.

The main premise is that our brain collects and can process enormous amounts of information and stimuli, that doesn't always reach our conscious mind. That's the good news. The bad news is that when it does reach our conscious mind we often ignore it or talk ourselv...more

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Dec 10, 2012 Brigid Keely rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: crime, memoir, non-fiction

This book has some really helpful information when it comes to reminding people --primarily women-- that paying attention to their gut instincts is good. However, de Becker is a bit of a proselytizer. He grew up in a violent family and managed to survive, and therefore everyone should do what he did and they'll survive too. It's frustrating that someone who grew up in a culture of domestic violence would posit that someone who gets hit by a family member/loved more than once is "a volunteer," es...more

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Dec 03, 2012 Whitney rated it 5 of 5 stars

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I tell all of my friends about it and pester them to read it.

If you are like me and analyze, as you walk home late at night, what you would do if various scenarios happened to you, and then feel silly about it when you get behind a locked door, you will appreciate this book. De Becker tells you how to hone that feeling and also when to ignore worries.

One of my favorite things is that he also addresses directly the people (usually men) who mock you for...more

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Nov 03, 2012 Chelsea Rectanus rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Even though I only rated this book three stars, I cannot deny the overwhelming impact that taking its lesson can have in someone's life. I think that oftentimes people (and especially women) are discouraged from acting upon instinct, for the very biological reason that pragmatics, not strength or speed, generally determines the path of female life. Intuition is seen as a fluffy, girlie indulgence as opposed to a weapon or mechanism for survival. Under this presumption we tend to second guess our...more

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Oct 31, 2012 Katie rated it 5 of 5 stars

First Impression Image
I have had The Gift of Fear recommended to me by several people over the years. They promised that it would change my “perspective” and really shake up my world view about intuition, violence, and survival skills.

I was resistant. I dislike self-help books—especially ones that capitalize on people’s fears.

Thankfully, this book proved me wrong and I now consider my world sufficiently shook.

Quick Overview
Gavin de Becker is a nationally renowned expert on the subject of predict...more

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Oct 30, 2012 nezvanova rated it 5 of 5 stars

Fear is not anxiety, writes de Becker. Nor is it worry. Fear is an intense short-term emotion which alerts us to imminent danger. Too many of us are eaten up with all manner of concerns, from social and other phobias to irrational media-induced terrors-of-the-moment, and thus we are so desensitized to actual danger as to ignore our own strong intuitions of such. De Becker's book is about recognizing real fear as a gift and using that gift wisely.

As noted by other reviewers, "The Gift of Fear" is...more Fear is not anxiety, writes de Becker. Nor is it worry. Fear is an intense short-term emotion which alerts us to imminent danger. Too many of us are eaten up with all manner of concerns, from social and other phobias to irrational media-induced terrors-of-the-moment, and thus we are so desensitized to actual danger as to ignore our own strong intuitions of such. De Becker's book is about recognizing real fear as a gift and using that gift wisely.

As noted by other reviewers, "The Gift of Fear" is a valuable read for all, but especially for women. De Becker's sensitivity to the dangers involved in being female is nothing short of admirable, and his advice is something I wish I'd received earlier. After decades of working in the area of personal security, de Becker's expert conclusions concerning relative level of actual danger experienced by each sex can be summed up in three short sentences:

"It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different — men and women live in different worlds. I don’t remember where I first heard this simple description of one dramatic contrast between the genders, but it is strikingly accurate: At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them."

Note to all women: if you have to constantly remind yourself that a man "seems like such a nice guy," there is almost certainly something wrong with him. Actual nice guys do not inspire such thoughts. Actual nice guys are often friendly, but not intrusive. If an actual nice guy does overstep social bounds, a little reminder or or two will be enough to have the guy in question falling over backwards to make it up to you (in the case of a clueless acquaintance) or back off entirely (in the case of a forward stranger). As de Becker notes in "The Gift of Fear," Hollywood tales of extremely persistent suitors do not describe a dream engagement — in real life, such persistence is the nightmare known as stalking.

"The Gift of Fear" is a potentially life-saving book. Without going into too much "fear"-mongering detail (per de Becker, "fear" about unlikely and distant risks — terrorism being one example — is not real, immediate fear, but rather something else), the author offers a framework for exploring one's own intuitions and reappraising nagging concerns. I especially appreciate de Becker's sanguine appraisal of actual risk in everyday situations. Generally speaking, we are not in danger. Worrying is a sign that we are vigilant; worry can be creatively redirected into growth. Precautions should, of course, be taken. But real fear is rare and almost always warranted. When it does cry out, its voice should be heeded.(less)

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About Gavin de Becker

Gavin de Becker is an expert on the prediction and management of violence. He has served on President's Advisory Board at the U.S. Department of Justice and the Governor's Advisory Board at the California Department of Mental Health; he now runs a consulting firm which advises government agencies, universities, police departments, corporations, and media figures on the assessment of threats and ha...more

More about Gavin de Becker...

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Fear Less: Real Truth About Risk, Safety, and Security in a Time of Terrorism

A Girl's Gotta Do What a Girl's Gotta Do

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Quotes from The Gift of Fear: Surv...

“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.” — 64 people liked it

“intuition is always right in at least two important ways;
It is always in response to something.
it always has your best interest at heart” — 56 people liked it

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