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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

3.67 of 5 stars 3.67 · rating details · 9,411 ratings · 1,614 reviews

In her most provocative book yet, Dr. Laura urgently reminds women that to take proper care of their husbands is to ensure themselves the happiness and satisfaction they yearn for in marriage.

Women want to be in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Yet disrespect for men and disregard for the value, feelings, and needs of husbands has fast become the standard fo...more

Paperback, 208 pages

Published September 26th 2006 by Harper Perennial (first published December 30th 2003)

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Mar 05, 2011 Malbadeen rated it 1 of 5 stars

Recommended to Malbadeen by: my ex-husband

Shelves: read-on-the-way-to-divorce

My ex-husband brought this book home from work, for "no reason". I read it....right before the divorce.

57 likes · like · see review

Apr 15, 2008 Susie rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really liked the no-nonsense approach to this book. Throughout the book, I kept thinking of other names she could've titled this book. Here are a few:

*Stop being selfish you lousy wench

*You are not the center of the universe

*Duh, he's your husband. Not a doormat

*First you were Bridezilla, now you are Wifezilla

*You're not very likable. You're husband must be a saint

*Get a real life, soon please

*Change now or be single soon

*Are you mean or just stupid?

64 likes · like · see review

Jan 22, 2008 Skylar Burris rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: marriage

After re-reading this a second time, I lowered my rating from three to two stars and edited this review. This book does have some very valuable reminders, but if you want to learn and apply the same useful tidibits without having to endure the verbal beating of women as a group, without being subject to a double standard, and without being left with the impression that the woman is what’s wrong with every marriage conflict that has ever occurred since 1960, then read For Women Only instead.

My m...more After re-reading this a second time, I lowered my rating from three to two stars and edited this review. This book does have some very valuable reminders, but if you want to learn and apply the same useful tidibits without having to endure the verbal beating of women as a group, without being subject to a double standard, and without being left with the impression that the woman is what’s wrong with every marriage conflict that has ever occurred since 1960, then read For Women Only instead.

My mind played a tug-of-war when I read this book. Half of the time I said, “Yes, you need to hear that and you need to do that!” The other half of the time I said, “So, if I become a Stepford Wife who never ‘burdens’ my husband with my needs, is very careful never to criticize him in any way or ask him to do anything around the house, and who is always willing to have sex at absolutely any moment, all my problems will be solved, and if I don’t, I deserve to be cheated on or abandoned”? I think this tug-of-war resulted from a mixture of good points with bad points, from her one-way emphasis (on women’s faults only), and from her failure to acknowledge that at least *sometimes* it’s okay for a wife to be upset about…something….anything…her husband does (or doesn’t do). The book itself was rather disorganized, more specific on WHAT to do than HOW to do it, and consisting primarily of quotes form her talk show discussions coupled with e-mails she received.

Though there is certainly truth in this book, it is harshly communicated and Dr. Laura’s broad brush sometimes ends up obscuring it. Maybe the average reader would be more inclined to see herself in the actions decried and to reform if Dr. Laura did not seem to be saying that the woman is solely to blame any time a man forgets her birthday, refuses to mow the lawn, or has an affair. Perhaps she’s not really claiming men can do no wrong, and it’s simply that the wrong men do doesn’t happen to be the subject of this particular book. Unfortunately, because she never acknowledges at any point that a woman ever has a valid reason to be upset with her husband for anything, she generally leaves the impression that men can do no wrong and that women are to blame for *every* marriage problem. It would also have been less unnerving a book if she had ommitted phrases such as, "Remember, without him you are a sorry excuse for a person."

Dr. Laura (rightly) decries the double standard women often apply in their expectations towards men, but then she institutes a kind of double standard of her own. Allow me to elaborate with examples. If a woman takes a vacation without the kids and husband for some R&R, that’s ridiculous and selfish; but if the husband leaves the kids and wife for a hunting trip, he’s taking a well deserved break and she’s a nag if she complains about it. If a man doesn’t find his wife attractive, he’s probably justified in feeling that way, and she had better lose some weight, shave her legs, put on something sexy, and stop being a frump. If a woman tells her husband she finds his beard unattractive and asks him to shave it, however, she’s being emotionally abusive. Women shouldn’t expect men to guess what they want without a direct statement; but women should be able to realize men are hurt even when those men don’t express their feelings. Women shouldn’t expect their husbands to "show interest, agree, and remain uncritical" when they are talking because that’s expecting them to behave like women; but women should be expected to be ready to have sex at any moment, even though that’s rather expecting them to behave like men. Wives shouldn’t “feel that doing the laundry, cooking dinner, or taking care of the kids” is an “adequate” way of expressing love because “they’re things she’d be doing even if she were not married!” On the other hand, a woman is just plain wrong if she “challenge[s:] a husband when he says that his way of showing love is by going to work and earning money.” Wouldn’t he ALSO be doing those things even if he wasn’t married? Yes, concedes Dr. Laura, he would, but it’s different, don’t you see, because he would not be doing them with “the same commitment, intent, sacrifice, and depth of passion.” (And she would? Even if she were single? She’d be folding his underwear and picking up his socks and cleaning up the hair he left in the sink with the same depth of passion?) It’s okay for a husband who’s in a band to accept a gig on Valentine’s Day without so much as consulting his wife, but it’s dead wrong for a stay-at-home mom to go out to dinner with her mom on an ordinary day of the week instead of being home to serve a hot meal for her husband. It’s selfish and wrong for a woman to work when she doesn’t need the money and could be home with the kids; but if a man *volunteers* to take on *extra* shifts at work for money the family doesn’t actually need, it’s the woman who is being the selfish one if she asks him not to volunteer and to spend more time with the family instead.

It’s not that I necessarily disagree with all of Dr. Laura’s criticisms of women, it’s just that I don’t understand why the same standards don’t apply to men. What’s good for the goose, it seems, is way too much to ask of the gander.

Now, I do give the book an “okay” (two star) rating (rather than a “didn’t like it” one star rating) because as harsh as it is, there are truths in it that people don’t often relate in our post-feminist world. In our world, the pendulum has swung a long way in the other direction, so that now many women fail to offer their husbands the very same respect, sacrifice, lack of criticism, and positive reinforcement they themselves expect as a matter of course. We women have been conditioned to believe that to "stroke an ego" or to "make an effort to get in the mood" is somehow subservient rather than loving. The book is really a wake up call to self-examine and to become fully aware of how you are treating your mate. Even for the good, respectful marriage, having this sort of inner-reflection can make things even better. As defensive as this sometimes made me feel, I find it does stick with me as a necessary (if unpleasant) reminder to check my words and actions. She slaps women upside the head and says, “Look how you’re treating your man. Treat him better.” There aren’t a lot of people telling women that these days.

As an aside, the problem I have with a lot of these books that generalize about male/female differences is that they assume my needs are of a particular nature because I am a woman, when, really, I’d rather like many of these things they say a man needs – ego-stroking, even more compliments about my accomplishments than my body, more personal space, etc. She also generalizes and assumes all men everywhere are doing all of the outdoor and car related chores and women are selfishly overlooking this contribution; it doesn’t seem to occur to her that it’s possible that, even as a woman, I always take my own car in for repairs, that I usually trim the bushes, and that, before I asked my husband to get a lawn service, I frequently mowed the lawn. (She also seems to assume I want a lot of jewelry and that I'd be willing to exchange sex for it.)

Finally, a caveat about Dr. Laura's sex advice: i.e., have it whenever he wants it, whether you initially want to or not. Of course it’s good advice for a woman to be more often willing (and to try to get in the mood more often). However, what she fails to emphasize (and what IS emphasized in the other book I recommended) is that for men, more frequent sex will be unfulfilling if it is not coupled with the sense that they are desired by and really pleasing their wives. At one point, Dr. Laura even equates a woman having sex when she doesn’t want to with a husband going to work even on days he doesn’t want to. Few men want to feel their wives are agreeing to sex in the same spirit with which they agree to slug through a bad day at work. (less)

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Mar 10, 2008 Jessica rated it 1 of 5 stars

Recommended to Jessica by: Aubrey

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is based on the premise that men are simple and rather stupid. The thesis then, on that basis, is "give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good lovin', and he'll do just about anything you wish--foolish or not."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger demeans men throughout the book, constantly noting that a man is "inexorably dependent upon the approval, appreciation, and acceptance" of the woman. That may be true, but his self-worth is and should b...more

24 likes · like · see review

Aug 24, 2007 Kelly (TheWellReadRedhead) rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction

I was given this book as a "gift" as I am getting married next month. I am actually somewhat offended by the person who gave it to me! Dr. Laura's basic points are good (respect your partner, communicate clearly, don't nag, etc.), but her methods are enough to make me cringe. This is 180 pages of her telling women to quit their jobs (because nature intends for you to raise kids, not work!) and skirt their own needs (in most cases) for the sake of pleasing their husbands. I'm all for stay-at-home...more

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Apr 10, 2008 Laura rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really enjoyed this book. It is not often you come across a New York time Best seller that promotes the value of marriage and the important role we have as husband and wife in a marriage. She really talks about how society has become so feminisitic and men suffer because of it. She talks about how women want equal rights as men; however, they still want men to be the same that they always have been. She talks about how in relationships we on certain levels think our husbands our responsible fo...more

12 likes · like · see review

Jan 21, 2008 Jessica rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: mbasa-book-club-reads

alright. i just finished this last night, and i'm still a little conflicted as to what i thought about it. if i could i'd probably give it 2 1/2 stars, but i'll admit that i had a definite bias going into reading the book because i can't stand dr. laura.

that being said, i can genuinely say that there were a few good points brought up in the book. namely that wives ought to treat their husbands with the love, honor, and respect they deserve. i also agree with her basic assumption that men and wo...more

7 likes · like · see review

Jul 25, 2008 Elizabeth rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult, marriage

I am almost ashamed to admit it, but I didn't think this book was that terrible. I had to skim some repetitive (and occasionally shrill) portions, but it had some good things to say. Upon reading it, I reflected on how I could be a better wife. I also recognized myself in some of the listener comments and felt convicted about times that I don't appreciate Sam for the wonderful man that he is. The author gets a bit of a bad rap for her purported hypocrisy, requiring things of women that she does...more

3 likes · like · see review

Aug 01, 2008 Tabitha rated it 5 of 5 stars

My sister-in-law recommended this book to me, and I recommend it to all wives in turn. Dr. Laura gives it to you straight and undiluted. Although sometimes painful to swallow (like a strong medicine rather than a poison), I have learned so much about how I can make my marriage stronger and be a better support to my husband thereby strengthening my family.

Her values coincide with my own beliefs on both a personal and spiritual level. For instance, Dr. Laura asserts that there are innate differen...more

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Feb 29, 2008 Anna rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Dr. Laura fans

Shelves: avon-book-club

I read this for a book club and it was very different from what I had expected. I was put-off by the title and felt it was condescending toward men. I quickly discovered that it was very different than my impression from the title. I found Dr. Laura to be extremely harsh and found it difficult to get through each page. Ever several pages, there seemed to be one sentence that I completely, 100% agreed with. But her delivery of the message is so abrasive. I felt like she was trying to teach women...more

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Jan 29, 2008 Elissa rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2008

I'm actually only halfway through this, but it has already changed my attitude toward my husband and marriage. I was somewhat skeptical starting this book, since I don't love listening to Dr. Laura or anything. But she really has a gift at uncovering people's motivations and showing them for what they really are. It made me realize why I have been doing (and not doing) certain things with regard to my husband. Most of these things were based on certain beliefs or attitudes that I didn't really r...more I'm actually only halfway through this, but it has already changed my attitude toward my husband and marriage. I was somewhat skeptical starting this book, since I don't love listening to Dr. Laura or anything. But she really has a gift at uncovering people's motivations and showing them for what they really are. It made me realize why I have been doing (and not doing) certain things with regard to my husband. Most of these things were based on certain beliefs or attitudes that I didn't really realize I had until I read this book. Now that I realize what these beliefs are I can go about changing them- and I have already begun to. I would recommend it to anyone who feels their marriage could use a boost. Or anyone who wants to know how to interact better with their husband.

***Now that I have finished the book, this is what I can say I learned from it: If you are a woman who married a good man and you are unhappy in your marriage, you have the power to change that by treating your husband better. Instead of asking "why am I not getting what I want/need out of this marriage?" ask the question, "what more can I be giving in this relationship." Giving is the secret to getting. Dr. Laura gives a lot of concrete and simple ways to treat your husband properly. I like that she emphasizes and celebrates the differences between men and women. God made men the way they are and so who are we as women to expect them to be different, more like us? Instead, we should treat men as men and care for them in the way they need us to. Then we will receive the things we need as women to be taken care of.

"Man hating" feminists will hate this book, but in my view it is just such women that have changed marriage for the worse. I believe the feminist movement made a lot of positive changes in the world- but I also believe that things have swung so far in the other direction that at times men are ridiculed, looked down upon, hated, etc., just for being their inherently masculine selves. As Dr. Laura says, "[women] have been brought up with the notion of "unisexuality," the sadly mistaken and distructive belief that men and women have no differences...Well, the fact is men and women are different physically, psychologically, motivationally, and tempermentally." "Ultimately, the well-being of both men and women is maximized when acceptance, attention, and nurturance is given to what is innately different and special about men and women."

Now I'm going to go try and change the destructive things I've been doing in my marriage. And now that I've written a book I will go...(less)

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Jun 28, 2007 Amber rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

A good reminder that we need to have an attitude of service in our marriage. That we are together to take care of each other and not only to have our spouse take care of us.
This book was not at all what I expected it to be, it was a lot better. I'll be honest I'm not a Dr. Laura fan normally, but I found this book to be exactly what my marriage needed. It laid out in "women-speak" why men need the things they do and don't need the things we want them to. It bluntly says that if you (the wife) ar...more

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Jul 08, 2008 Jessica rated it 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book! It changed my life. I have a much better attitude about my marriage and my husband and all that he does for me. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

7 likes · like · see review

Dec 16, 2008 Cindy rated it 5 of 5 stars

Recommended to Cindy by: every married woman and a few husbands I am related to.

This book has really opened my eyes to my bad habits and mean behaviors towards my very loyal, loving and respectful husband. Dr. Laura is not for everyone, and some more liberal in their approach and beliefs about dating are often offended. I also find her hard to listen to on the radio at times because she is so straight to the point and candid, and at times "jerky" in how she talks to her listeners. Be that as it may, she has pegged the female community. She has pegged me. Since I have begun...more

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Mar 29, 2008 Stephanie rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: women who have been married over a year, preferrably with children

I read this book because several friends recommended it to me (including my husband -- he thinks he's so funny). At first, I was totally enthralled. I really liked her interpretation of the downfalls of the feminist movement. It made me think. I could really see how my perspective on marriage and gender roles in general were affected by feminism. I declared that I would embrace my role as wife and mother and all that it entails!
After this new idea wore off (about 10 pages in), I began to just f...more

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Feb 03, 2008 Cari rated it 2 of 5 stars

This is not a book I would have picked up on my own but it was on my book group list for this month. I'm not a big self help book reader and I don't know if that's because I don't think I need any help or because I don't want to admit I need help. I have never listened to Dr. Laura before so I had no idea she was such an anti feminist! This surprised me a bit as most outspoken women in the world today seem to take quite the opposite approach. This isn't what bothered me as those of you who know...more

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Jan 02, 2008 Hoku Ho rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Women looking to recharge their relationship with or learn more about the psyche of their husband.

I really found this book to be helpful. There is a lot of popular opinion out there about the roles of a man vs. a woman in a marriage, many of them promoting entitlement and selfishness in women. What is refreshing about this book is that Dr. Laura doesn't coddle her readers...she calls women to the carpet for their role in the deterioration of the quality and excitement of their marriages.
The best thing about this book, however, is the way she helps explain the power that women have over thei...more

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Dec 26, 2007 Stacey rated it 3 of 5 stars

OK, I know how this title sounds. Trust me, when a friend passed it on to me, I almost burned it on the spot along with my bra collection. But once I started skimming it, I sort of liked it and ended up reading the whole thing on a plane ride home from California (hey, one can only read Skymall so many times). The author's argument is based on the somewhat iffy logic that men are like dogs: eager to please, but not so much if you are mean to them. This book could be titled "Stop Being Such a Bit...more

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Oct 12, 2007 Ivy rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Women who are looking for a great way to make their relationship better.

This book sparked conroversy in my family. One half of us thought the book made good points and put the way we treated our men in to perspective. The other half of us thought that this approach was unrealistic. Overall, my feeling about the book really cross over to real life for me. Although, I am not willing to go as far as she recommends for some things...I am my father's stubborn daughter. I work in a dental office and my first few weeks were very difficult for me. The Doctors are really gre...more

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May 12, 2008 Jayci rated it 5 of 5 stars

Dr. Laura is a very harsh woman. With that being said...I loved this book. What can be more important than a happy home? I understand that many woman feel that Dr. Laura has joined forces with the men, but if you take what she offers....we, as women, will be happier. We will get what we desire from our husbands...their love and concern. I don't see her as a traitor, but as a woman wanting to make our lives easier and our marriages more successful. How rude! By the way...why is it so painful for...more

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Mar 02, 2009 Liz rated it 3 of 5 stars

This is my first Dr. Laura book and I had mixed feelings about it. We read it for book club in December and it was a GREAT discussion....aka......no husband bashing and a lot of constructive comments. Anyway, I liked it because I came away with several areas that I could improve and there was some very constructive advice for women in general. BUT....it was a little too black and white for me. She made it sound like ALL women were petty and selfish and don't appreciate their husbands. She made i...more

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Feb 22, 2009 Janet rated it 2 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Unmarried Feminists

I vacillate between 2 and 3 stars on this The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, a thrift store find. I’ve witnessed the oos and ahhs over Dr. Laura. Not into talk radio, and always into taking proper care of my own husband, I purchased this cheap opportunity to “hear” Dr. L visually on a subject of importance.

Written like one of her radio shows, excerpts from callers mingle with Dr. Laura’s advice. Simplified, Dr. Laura’s recommendations and admonishments focus primarily on sex and food. Her...more

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Apr 25, 2013 Emily rated it 4 of 5 stars

I am only recently married, yet I know that I, like every other woman, could stand to be told and reminded to think less of myself and more of my husband. This book is perfect at giving that reminder and at pointing out some of the silly, unkind, selfish and even manipulative means a woman will go to in an effort to get her way with her husband. I really like that Dr. Laura is blunt (some may say harsh) in the advice she gives to married women in this book, but I think that that is the wake-up c...more

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Oct 14, 2008 Kristine rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: all couples, wives

Shelves: to-reread-someday, self-help-type, non-fic

Ok, first of all I don't agree with everything in the book -- but after I read the book I had the best 6 weeks of my marriage, so take it for what it's worth. Also I like to give this book as a wedding gift. I wish I had read this book when I first got married -- it really helps with expectations and would have helped me to see things through her perspective.

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May 20, 2008 Tawni rated it 4 of 5 stars

LOved this book. It made me treat Adam better, which makes it a great book to me! I think it mostly just makes wives realize how much their husbands do for them, but we take for granted. I would recommend this book to ANY wife out there!

4 likes · like · see review

Mar 02, 2013 Janet rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: author-signed, psychology

Dr. Laura Schlessinger tells readers upfront that this book is written for a very narrow group--married women whose husbands are doing all of the large things right and who are in marriages where abuse, addictions and adultery are not present. (I really wish, particularly since she is a licensed therapist whose perspective should be broader, that she also included a reference to mental health disorders. Actually, she does in passing once, "If a woman does not marry a sociopath or a narcissist, t...more Dr. Laura Schlessinger tells readers upfront that this book is written for a very narrow group--married women whose husbands are doing all of the large things right and who are in marriages where abuse, addictions and adultery are not present. (I really wish, particularly since she is a licensed therapist whose perspective should be broader, that she also included a reference to mental health disorders. Actually, she does in passing once, "If a woman does not marry a sociopath or a narcissist, then she's got her basic "male package." p.64) It is important to keep this in mind, because I think another title for this book could be Tough Talk for Shrill, Selfish Harpies. Dr. Laura's strident message is delivered without qualification and without a semblance of the softness she advocates for her readers. Consequently, it could crush or be harmful to women who do not fall within her intended audience.

That being said, she advocates things that are positive attributes to embrace for either party in a marriage, like openly appreciating the contributions of your partner, not verbally demeaning your partner to his or her face or to others, making your primary relationship primary, seeking ways to give to your partner that are meaningful to him or her, being responsible for your own happiness, being regularly sexually available, and allowing your partner some independent space for activities and friends that don't include you. And, if your marriage reflects a traditional division of labor, whereby one partner is a homemaker and the other is a breadwinner, then recognizing that the homemaker has a full job description attached to the title. Some homemakers, like many self-employed people, readily recognize this. Others within my acquaintance most decidedly do not.

Where I take great exception to Dr. Laura is that she places sole responsibility for the success of a marriage on women, saying, "Because the truth is that when it comes to home and relationships, women rule." (p. 64) Some do, some don't and there is a lot of flux in between. I then have to remind myself that she is speaking throughout the book to selfish, shrill women who are married to men who have no fatal flaws and are trying their best. Dr. Laura is trying to speak sense to those women with her trademark 2 x 4, using scare tactics that raise the specter of abandonment and divorce if they are unwilling to make positive changes.

So while there is much to recommend in this book, it must also be read with the intended audience in mind. In the wrong hands it could become a club, rather than a tool for healing. And, after reading some biographical information about Dr. Laura--a moral failure--I wish she was a better, less hypocritical, messenger.
(less)

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Apr 13, 2011 Dani rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: women who tend to want to be in control...(in other words, most of us)

Shelves: self-improvement, non-fiction

True to form, Dr. Laura doesn't mince words and she isn't worried about hurting anyone's feelings. And even though she comes across as grossly one-sided and seems to over-generalize a lot, I think she's right on in most of what she says.

The message of her book is simple: if women want to be happy in their marriages, they need to be a lot less selfish, disabuse themselves of some false feminist doctrine, and ditch their flawed notions of control. Getting what you want from your husband involves...more

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Apr 07, 2008 Beth rated it 3 of 5 stars

The book seemed much less harsh than Dr. Laura's radio show (yes, I did, on occasion, listen to Dr. Laura!) — even excerpts FROM her show which are included in the book seem much friendlier. Perhaps it’s the medium; I’m not hearing the tone of voice as I read.

I kind of expected I was going to give myself a guilt-trip by reading this book. “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” is a title that would dredge up thoughts of how I am not the most stellar cook and how I neglect serving vegetable si...more

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Apr 03, 2009 Christina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction-marriage

This book reads like Fascinating Womanhood written for our day instead of the 1950's. It is very straightforward, and I like the quotes intersperced from her male listeners.

I do think Dr. Laura goes a little too far blaming women for unhappy marriages as if the husband can't do anything about it. On the other hand, it is women as a whole who have strayed from our natural roles. In general, I agree that we have taken the feminist movement too far and it has messed up our lives. Unfortunately, I t...more

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Dec 03, 2008 Kimbrey rated it 4 of 5 stars

I had mixed feelings about this book. I think it had some really good ideas of how wives can better care for their husbands and listening to it in the care with Daniel helped. He would tell me, "wow, she's right, that is how I feel" or "I don't know if that really applies to me."

I had a hard time listening during some parts because of the approach she takes. I felt like I was getting attacked through some of the book and put up defenses and didn't listen. I also thought that she took some of th...more

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