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She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders

by Jennifer Finney Boylan (Goodreads Author)

3.86 of 5 stars 3.86 · rating details · 3,594 ratings · 393 reviews

The provocative bestseller She’s Not There is the winning, utterly surprising story of a person changing genders. By turns hilarious and deeply moving, Jennifer Finney Boylan explores the territory that lies between men and women, examines changing friendships, and rejoices in the redeeming power of family. Told in Boylan’s fresh voice, She’s Not There is about a person be...more

Paperback, 320 pages

Published August 10th 2004 by Broadway (first published July 29th 2003)

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She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan

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Feb 19, 2008 stephanie rated it 3 of 5 stars

way back in 1994, when jennifer finney boylan was still james finney boylan, i found myself in freshman english with this amazing, fun, empathetic, creative professor. he was inspiring in his energy even for us, the lowest of the low - the students who were not aspiring english majors, the students who were taking EN115 because we had to. but man, what a great class jim lead. interestingly, the topic in our small (20 students) section was gender roles and archetypes of men and women. we read cos...more way back in 1994, when jennifer finney boylan was still james finney boylan, i found myself in freshman english with this amazing, fun, empathetic, creative professor. he was inspiring in his energy even for us, the lowest of the low - the students who were not aspiring english majors, the students who were taking EN115 because we had to. but man, what a great class jim lead. interestingly, the topic in our small (20 students) section was gender roles and archetypes of men and women. we read cosmopolitan and playboy, we watched the marilyn monroe film 'some like it hot.' we talked openly about relationships and life and marriage and i clearly remember jim's reply to my immature statement about marriage - that it's just a piece of paper, why does it have to mean everything? if you're in love and together, why do you need to get married? his reply: i hear you, i thought that way too, once upon a time, but i think you'll feel differently when you're older. and i even got to see jim's home life up close when i babysat for him one cold, dark night. i soaked in the photos in his house, loved the home he and his wife had created, and was a little envious of how neatly wrapped up his life seemed to be.

and then, about a year after graduation, came the flurry of emails: "did you hear james finney boylan is having a sex change?" "did you hear?" "did you hear?" so much fuss over something that shouldn't be earth-shattering, but remember we were students at a small, private, liberal arts college in maine. where it was voted - my senior year in 1997 - to legally descriminate against people for being gay. i mean, oh my god. what was jim thinking? what was he feeling? how were his boys and wife handling this life overhaul?

this book gives you some idea of what it was like for jim to become jennifer, for him to break the news to his friends, his bandmates, his family. although i would love to know more about how jennifer feels with her female anatomy, i am also content knowing she's taken care of herself, set herself free, and has maintained a loving relationship with her children and ex-wife. i know life doesn't always work out the way we might have anticipated or hoped for, but that doesn't mean it takes a wrong turn - just an unexpected one full of life, people, adventures, laughter and love.(less)

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Jun 22, 2007 Beth rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: people who want to be educated on basic transgender issues

Shelves: nonfiction, glbt, biographies_memoirs

Poorly chosen title, terrible cover concept (why cut a woman in half?!)... but the book is well written and should educate a lot of people about trans issues. I myself was a bit surprised about the author's naivete when she was first transitioning--clearly, while living as a straight man, she had never met trans people or even gay or lesbian or bi people who were out. Quite a sheltered existence, considering she was a sophisticated college prof at Colby. So her story is probably more important,...more

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May 20, 2007 Juliet rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: everyone. absolutely everyone.

This book blew me away. I couldn't put it down, and was alternating between laughter and tears the whole time. Boylan presents such a compelling and captivating exploration of what it means to be a woman through beautiful writing and a very open presenatation of her own life. It's been a long time since I read a memoir this good. The book made me think about myself, my thoughts about love, and my celebration of being female. I recommend it for everyone.

I don't think that Boylan's story tries to...more

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Jul 28, 2011 Lisa rated it 3 of 5 stars

Recommended to Lisa by: Mary

Shelves: nonfiction, memoir

I agree with many reviewers here that this was a good, absorbing read and well-written. I liked the interplay with Boylan's friend, Richard Russo, whom I had read. (It did come across a BIT sycophantic in terms of that friendship, however.) I thought Russo's afterward also provided a bit of balance and insight, since Boylan's memoir is very interior. There is a lot of info about the steps of the transition and Boylan's changing body.

Two slight complaints: we rarely hear an analysis of the why o...more I agree with many reviewers here that this was a good, absorbing read and well-written. I liked the interplay with Boylan's friend, Richard Russo, whom I had read. (It did come across a BIT sycophantic in terms of that friendship, however.) I thought Russo's afterward also provided a bit of balance and insight, since Boylan's memoir is very interior. There is a lot of info about the steps of the transition and Boylan's changing body.

Two slight complaints: we rarely hear an analysis of the why of Boylan's transsexualism -- perhaps that's because she viewed it completely as a medical condition, i.e., who would ask, Why is one born with a cleft palate? Yet, surely, throughout her life, Boylan MUST have considered the question literally thousands of times, yet never shares that inner dialog with us.

And the other complaint is the lack of much meaningful political analysis. There's 10 pages or so where Boylan explains the common fact of trans women confusing the culturally feminine with being female -- all those hose, and bad hair, and pumps, and girly dirndls. As a member of the LGBT community, I have met many such trans people, which Boylan explains away as going through an adolescent exploratory phase of womanhood. It was almost reduced to "I'm a better dresser," without analysis of how a person reared as a male could make that confusion.

The book NEVER questions the privilege inherent in asserting "I am a woman," "I know what it is to be a woman," "my feelings are a woman's feelings," despite Boylan's obvious upbringing as a male. There's no analysis of Boylan's experiences of misogyny and oppression after the transition. Boylan didn't transition to a feminist viewpoint, that's for sure.

Still, I received some insight into the sense of a burden being laid down as Boylan became a female. I particularly loved the comment:
"I feel like somebody who just got out of prison after 40 years for something she didn't do, like I got pardoned by the governor. When dear friends deal with me with mixed emotions, it is a little like being told, 'Well, Jenny, we're glad you got sprung, really, but quite honestly we did kind of like you better when you were in jail.'"

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Jul 23, 2007 Shelly rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: students and feminists

Shelves: bookclub

I did not expect to like this book, I think it had to do with a fear that it would be a shallow treatment of a really complex bunch of issues and the goofy cover image (who IS that supposed to be? Every time I closed the book I questioned the mystery of how these things get decided).

Though regarding mystery, this book ultimately touches on what Russo sums up in his loving afterword - mysteries "which reside at our human center, constitute the deeper truths of our being" whcih "we often keep sec...more

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Jul 07, 2008 Leslie rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone interested in the variety of human conditions

Shelves: favorite

I finished the book - it was a quick read.
1 - It's very well written - the author is an English professor in an East Coast college...
2 - It takes courage for a transsexual to make the transition.
3 - It takes courage for the wife of a transsexual to watch her spouse make the transition.
4 - I am SO glad I never had to deal with this dilemma
5 - I wonder what it takes to live with the knowledge you are not what you seem. Courage, fortitude, integrity.
6 - I wonder how many others in this world live w...more

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Jan 29, 2009 Jessica rated it 3 of 5 stars

One of the blurbs in the front of this book describes it as "surprisingly buoyant." I can't think of a better description. Jennifer Boylan describes her transition from male-to-female with grace and humor, and her lightness of spirit makes this memoir go down more easily than one would expect, but at times there's something disturbing about the way she seems able to only hint at her pain, and how fully her determination to become a woman eclipses the legitimate pain and worry of her wife (how he...more

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Jan 17, 2009 Vaughn rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: gender

Please take this review with a grain or two (of salt please), since it was one of those one-night skims (one night scans?) As skims go, I was pretty involved in it, though.
This is the first proper autobiography or memoir of a trans* person I've read, all the other related books on my shelf being chiefly theory, science, or politics. Frankly, though, this is what I want to curl up in bed (literally) and read. Philosophy, science, and political tracts belong to the 'angrily checking off the damnin...more Please take this review with a grain or two (of salt please), since it was one of those one-night skims (one night scans?) As skims go, I was pretty involved in it, though.
This is the first proper autobiography or memoir of a trans* person I've read, all the other related books on my shelf being chiefly theory, science, or politics. Frankly, though, this is what I want to curl up in bed (literally) and read. Philosophy, science, and political tracts belong to the 'angrily checking off the damning points' style of reading, for me, on this topic.
Well written it is, and witty too. That's all true. Much of JFB's life as presented here was too far from my zone of identification, though. I expected to identify with the experiences here-- that's why it was a curl up in bed read-- but I found it hard to identify with the more 'universal' life events than the very particular ones. Maybe it's that I've never gotten married, grown up in an Irish-American family, or successfully published a bunch of books.
But why should I have expected to identify with her so completely that these differences caused me genuine surprise? That's the harder question. I'm tempted to go all grad-school on it in the style JFB and Richard Russo mock in this book: this surprise of mine is just one of the standard human moods, a function of standard human situations into which we are continually thrown. The narrative of my expectation to identify, noting of differences, and final acceptance of those differences ends, ideally, with the take-away lesson that emotional attachments to any idea can quickly lead you to expect an idea when you should expect a person.
Elsewhere on Goodreads, I read a great satirical review of Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit as a coming-of-age novel. Just invert that satire and you've got the picture of me reading this book, in pursuit of some Absolute Idea. My take-away lesson is just that strong emotions can make one as essentialist as the day is long. In contrast with some of my more histrionic ratings, this one is simply my opinion of the storytelling. I've come to feel that rating it by any other personal reaction would be a failure to see the person through the idea. And there's a certain disrespect in that failure, once you see it for what it is.(less)

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Dec 08, 2008 Wistaria rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: No one!

Recommended to Wistaria by: I bought it because it was cheap and looked interesting.

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. This book is poorly named. When is she not there? The author's presence and self-obsession are felt on every page. Everything is about her. I picked up this book because I wanted to know more about the transgendered/transsexual experience. The author makes a bad example because she is completely selfish and thinks the universe revolves around her. I want to have compassion and understanding for the people going through this, and being exposed to someone so amazingly arrogant is not the way to do...more This book is poorly named. When is she not there? The author's presence and self-obsession are felt on every page. Everything is about her. I picked up this book because I wanted to know more about the transgendered/transsexual experience. The author makes a bad example because she is completely selfish and thinks the universe revolves around her. I want to have compassion and understanding for the people going through this, and being exposed to someone so amazingly arrogant is not the way to do it.

I feel like I have less of an understanding of what it is like to be transgendered. It gave me no insight into the issue. How did she know she was a woman born in a man's body? She just wakes up in the morning knowing she's a woman. Just like women do. Uh huh. So helpful.

Unfortunately, I think, despite everything she went through, that this book trivializes a very serious issue. She quotes her wife, recording conversations about how her wife feels like she never had a say in the matter. The author's silent implication is that she doesn't. She shows almost no compassion for her family or friends. There is no gratitude in these pages.

At one point, when Boylan is still a man, one of her books gets optioned for a movie. A few months later, the optioner dies. Her response? It wasn't her fault, of course, that he died. On what planet does she live? She's not stuck on Girl Planet, she's a permanent resident of Boylan Planet. Someone she knows dies, and her reaction is to think, "Well, it's not my fault my book didn't get made into a movie." Her hospital roommate during her surgery nearly dies of a kidney infection and we only find this out in the Afterword written by Russo, someone who shows considerably more compassion. The kicker? At the end, Boylan actually writes to NASA because she thinks she should be the first transsexual in space! No, really! It would be a huge step for personkind! That is how important she is. Her wife's sister dies from ovarian cancer not two months before her surgery, and this heartbreaking information warrants half a sentence in her 300 page book.

There have to be better books out there that shed at least some insight and if you're looking to try to understand this complex dilemma, don't look here! I only finished the book because it was a short, if disjointed, read.(less)

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Apr 07, 2013 Stobby rated it 2 of 5 stars

One of the challenges of writing a memoir is that you must have an interesting story. The pitch for She’s Not There, the hook, was transgender transformation. It begins with James Boylan’s adolescence, his romantic forays, his life as a bachelor, a married man and father all the way up to the decision to physically become a woman. There are a lot of anecdotes, sarcastic comments and reflections. In the end, the book does very little to unravel the mystery of gender reassignment. In fact, I still...more One of the challenges of writing a memoir is that you must have an interesting story. The pitch for She’s Not There, the hook, was transgender transformation. It begins with James Boylan’s adolescence, his romantic forays, his life as a bachelor, a married man and father all the way up to the decision to physically become a woman. There are a lot of anecdotes, sarcastic comments and reflections. In the end, the book does very little to unravel the mystery of gender reassignment. In fact, I still don’t understand why Jennifer Boylan thinks she’s inherently female.

In the beginning of the book the author states there is a difference between female and femininity. Near the end of the book she reiterates that statement. No where in the 300 pages does she explain what this means. Instead whenever James Boylan unveils his female persona, he correlates it with a skirt and a bra. Surely a preference for high heels is not a reason to believe you are female. Specific female traits that come to mind are fastidiousness, nesting, worry, sensitivity to others, fussing, mothering, heavy use of the words ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’, particularity and multi-tasking. These aren’t evident in the book. Instead, while dabbling around the topic of gender identity, the author writes about her musical gigs, her travels, her academic achievements, the pseudo famous people she meets and her wit…she has to tell you she’s funny.

The author does admit to some traditional masculine preferences like beer swigg’n and swear’n but points out these are not exclusively male (I agree) and therefore don’t disqualify her from being female. For me a disqualifier would be the road trip to Nova Scotia. Pitching a tent alone in the wilderness to reflect is not something women do.

I didn’t intend to read this book with the idea of ‘confronting’ Jennifer Boylan’s decision to be female. In fact I feel quite arrogant doing so. Having never met Mrs. Boylan, I was left with a book that tries hard to be amusing instead of insightful and occasionally found myself, and shamefully so, wondering if Mrs. Boylan’s decision to change sex was spurred on by a need for attention. Ridiculous, I know. The transition must have been unimaginatively hard. But then, after the fact, she didn't exactly choose a life of obscurity.

I wish nothing but happiness for Jennifer Boylan. I hope she experiences profound peace with her decision. But the topic of gender reassignment requires a depth that She’s Not There did not have and unfortunately I found the rest of the book tedious and boring.
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Dec 06, 2012 Susan Ritz rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: memoir, favorites

I gave this five stars because this book opened my mind to a whole new way of looking at gender. Boylan's transgender transition from man to woman unfolds in the book in a way that took me along for the ride.As I read, I could feel the perspective of the book change from male to female voice. Very skillful writing. I was also fascinated by the way her relationship with her wife and best friend (Richard Russo) changed along the way. Russo's intro about his own difficulties accepting his best frie...more

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Aug 08, 2011 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: biography, memoir, nonfiction, true-story

I absolutely loved this book. I think transsexualism is a topic that even most people who consider themselves relatively familiar with LGBTQ issues find elusive. Boylan keeps it light, personal, and fascinating. I totally adored her from the beginning of the book. In a sense, it's definitely not a book about transsexualism - it's just a fantastic memoir by someone with a pretty unique story to tell. And

Having read "Self-Made Man" recently, I can definitely say that this book blows it out of the...more

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Jul 29, 2011 Laurie added it

The story of Jennifer Finney Boylan's sex change is an engaging one, because Boylan is an engaging person, with a writer's ear for what makes a telling detail. Also, since she is a comic writer, her tone is very light, even though she speaks of sorrow, concealment and pain. Too many memoirs pour on the melodrama, which this one doesn't. We learn a lot about what leads to the decision to have sex reassignment surgery. For a man who has already had children and has a loving marriage, the decision...more

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Jul 29, 2011 Catherine Woodman rated it 4 of 5 stars

I met Jim through a mutual friend in the late 70's, when I was at Brown and he was at Wesleyan and we were both in suburban Philadelphia for winter break. We have a couple of other connections (my SIL went to Wesleyan with him and my husband went to high school with him), but I certainly knew him very peripherally. My SIL gave me this book, and the picture of him in the mid-70's is very much the way he is set in my mind. His description of his life long feelings that he was born in the wrong bod...more

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Mar 18, 2011 Heather rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: gender

As a memoir, I thoroughly enjoyed She's Not There. The passages were stirring, moving, thoughtful. Having a family member who is transgendered made this text particularly personal, as I found myself and others in the faces and reactions of Jennifer's friends and family. But as a student of gender, someone who adamantly believes in the theories of gender performance à la Judith Butler, with Foucault's panopticism as my focus, I can't help but be startled and confused by the nature of Boylan's tra...more

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Jul 05, 2010 Christina rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoirs, non-fiction

There were a few things I loved about Jennifer Finney Boylan's memoir "She's Not There" - mostly the insights into the differences between male and female.

But when I finished, I felt like SOMETHING definitely wasn't there.

I wanted more from the memoir.

I wanted to know why Boylan always identified with women, even though she was born male - the deep psychological reasons. Was her father not home enough? Not loving enough? Did she have an especially close relationship with her mother? Was there so...more

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Jul 04, 2010 Kylefoster85 rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book has everything to do with how a transgendered individual goes throughout their life with such a difficult secret. Jennifer goes through her life as James because she feels like she has to, in order to keep her life and family together. As James, she felt like she could be "cured" of her need to be a woman by finding love. Eventually, she finds Grace, who is uniquely understanding, and raises a family. But even then, even with her successful life as a man, she needs to be a woman. The t...more

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Jan 05, 2010 Mark rated it 5 of 5 stars

Prejudices abound in the world, and I am no exception to that. Although I don't want to be on the receiving end of another's prejudice for being fat or gay or whatever, I know I still have my prejudices that need to be dealt with. My opinion of transexuals was one of them.

Before reading this book, I had already started to change my view on the issue. When I was younger, I was freaked out by the idea of transexuals and especially gender reassignment surgery. Even though I had started to develop t...more

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Sep 28, 2009 Lauryl rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: gender-studies, memoir

I'm always interested in reading books that call into question the dominant binary gender paradigm and the idea that gender is a fixed quantity. And at the time I read this, I didn't know any transgendered people at all, and I was (and still am) understandably curious about their experience of gender, the world, and their place in it. I feel that, especially in this polarized era of American politics and so-called "family values" voters ("A-hem", she scoffs.) people who take the very bold leap o...more

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May 20, 2009 Chris rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is one of those books that I enjoyed so much that I can try to understand that some readers might not have liked it for legitimate reasons, but I don't really get it.

Jennifer's writing is brilliant, and she can capture the riotous absurdity of an event with amazing clarity and compassion. Apart from any aspects of her transsexuality, she's a great writing, and although I tend to avoid memoir, I would have read about her life and memories even if she'd had a conventional sexuality. The episo...more This is one of those books that I enjoyed so much that I can try to understand that some readers might not have liked it for legitimate reasons, but I don't really get it.

Jennifer's writing is brilliant, and she can capture the riotous absurdity of an event with amazing clarity and compassion. Apart from any aspects of her transsexuality, she's a great writing, and although I tend to avoid memoir, I would have read about her life and memories even if she'd had a conventional sexuality. The episode of her grandmother and aunt during the hurricane, and the night Orange comes over and then the drunken vet dressed as Santa turns up at his house -- all the reviewers who didn't like the writing, are you telling me those bits didn't have you falling out of your seat laughing? (And to Erin Walior, who write "I really didn't like the writer's style. I know she's not a writer, and that's obvious." Um, she is a writer. And she talks about it in the book -- did you actually read it?)

As for her story, I was profoundly moved and felt my self having that old revelation that I've had countless times before, but that we all should be reminded of constantly -- everyone is just trying to live their life. Everyone is "normal." Any lifestyle you can look at as "strange" or "deviant" is just a person doing the best they can to be who they are. Gay, straight, trans, illegal immigrant, everyone of our lives is just our lives. It isn't exotic, it isn't some freak-show to be stared at or even pitied, it's just life. I can't help but think a lot of people who were disappointed by this book wanted something more sensational, and were let down when it was just a woman leading her life.

I really wish people who gave books three stars or said they were disappointing would let on a bit more what that means, as I can't see not loving this book. But my responses to the more common complaints:

"She's self-absorbed." Um, its a memoir? Anyone who writes a memoir thinks that their life, or their thoughts about their life are interesting or important enough that strangers would want to read it, which is, by definition, self-absorbed. That said, I think Jenny is very patient and understanding with her friends and partner, and goes out of her way to let their doubts, concerns, and even anger show through in a compassionate, fair manner. We see how hard it is on her wife, and not in a way that makes her look judgmental or bigoted, just a woman who is confused about why she has to lose the man she loves. I particularly loved her inclusion of the e-mails between herself and Russo, as Russo perfectly encapsulates the confusion and doubt that many friends of transitioning individuals must feel, even as he is trying his hardest to love an support Jenny. And to Wistaria Clark, who was offended by Jenny's glib comment about the director of her movie dying -- um, dark humor? She wasn't being self-absorbed there, she was being funny.

"I wanted more of an insight into the trans experience." There is no "trans experience," there is only the individual, human experience. You can't read Wright and get the "black experience," or read Wolfe and get the "female" experience," or read Dan Savage and get the "gay experience." Boylan was writing about what she went through as a male-to-female trans individual -- if you want to understand "the experience," read a few more memoirs. I bet each one is different. Wistaria (again) complained "I feel like I have less of an understanding of what it is like to be transgendered. It gave me no insight into the issue. How did she know she was a woman born in a man's body? She just wakes up in the morning knowing she's a woman. Just like women do. Uh huh. So helpful." It might not be helpful, but its true. Can you explain to me how you knew you were a woman, and make it both interesting, meaningful, and helpful to me as a man? Probably not. Jenny's job as a writer isn't to help you understand "what its like to be transgendered," its to tell her story, which she did brilliantly.

I just hope that Boylan writes a follow up five years from now, as the book basically ends as her new life is beginning. Her relationship with Grace is, understandably, the most compelling and complex aspect of the book, and where the two of them go from here, and how their relationship evolves, would make a great book on its own.
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Feb 03, 2013 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: for-me

there was part of me (the part that studied american studies at a liberal arts school and used the word "intersectionality" in over a dozen papers) that was critical of and disappointed in this book. jenny never acknowledges the way her transition experience was shaped by her class and race privilege. her expensive surgeries and cushy job in colby college's english department hugely shaped her experience, yet jenny seems to have no awareness or interest in exploring these things.

that said, i cam...more

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Mar 14, 2008 Andi rated it 1 of 5 stars

This was a book club selection at work. I was interested in the topic because my ex claims to also be transgender and I was curious about the story of someone who also was. I was highly disappointed because the entire thing read like a public justification. I came out of it not liking the author very much, though others have adored it. Of course, it could also be because I'm a wife of someone who has paid, and is paying, the price for (ex-)husband in that situation.

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May 15, 2013 Annalisa rated it 4 of 5 stars

There's a lot to like about this memoir of a male to female transsexual who transitioned in her 40s after fathering two children. Jenny Boyland is a fluid and engaging writer (she wrote several very well received comic novels before this memoir) and it's great to read about a transgender person who is supported by friends and family throughout the process--too often only the harrowing stories get turned into memoirs and then everyone gets the mistaken impression that transitioning is always and...more

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Jun 12, 2009 Rose rated it 4 of 5 stars

I don't get the title, unless it's meant to make readers argue with it and say, "But she was always there!" which is something many transfolk long for people to say, I guess, about the person they have always felt they are. I'd suggest, instead, A Normal Transition: How the Privileged and Naive Cross Genders.

It was a great read, the ever-praised funny+poignant memoir. The tale was well-structured but also interesting at pretty much any random point you might browse into.

The author is as normal...more I don't get the title, unless it's meant to make readers argue with it and say, "But she was always there!" which is something many transfolk long for people to say, I guess, about the person they have always felt they are. I'd suggest, instead, A Normal Transition: How the Privileged and Naive Cross Genders.

It was a great read, the ever-praised funny+poignant memoir. The tale was well-structured but also interesting at pretty much any random point you might browse into.

The author is as normal as they come, except for that little gender issue, so her memoir makes a good study of the impact of that one thing in a person's life. Because of that, I think it'd be a perfect choice for a conservative-leaning person who is willing to go beyond So Your Loved One is Transgender... type books. I am going to give it to my mom to counter this idea she has that people wouldn't be transgendered if their lives were normal/good/decent.

There were moments during the storytelling when I realized the impact similar experiences would have on my own loved ones, and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. But I agree with the other reviewers that the explanation wasn't present that would reveal the depth of the feeling of being the wrong gender. "I just knew I was a girl," is an unsatisfying assertion for the cisgendered to hear.

We watch the author choose to devastate her wife and risk her career just to wear a dress. She does this with only the relatively bitty justification, "I really really wanted to." Only the long life of this conviction, and the literal cliff edges to which it drove her, saves the author from appearing totally self-centered.

Epileptics have Dostoyevsky to explain what a seizure feels like, and many other maladies poets of their own, but the transgendered community apparently has yet to produce a writer talented enough to help the cisgendered get what their deal is. I was disappointed that Boylan wasn't that poet magician who would finally phrase it just right, but really, what made me think a bestselling bobo English professor would be the one?

And that Jennifer Finney Boylan doesn't pin it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just, don't bother with this book if that's what you're looking for.

By the way, hidden in the chapter in which the author crosses from boygirl to girl is an anecdotal description of an excellent way to come out to small children using a picture book.

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Sep 04, 2011 Elaine Burnes rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: memoir, transgender

This is a devastatingly beautiful memoir of a woman, born a man, who undergoes that most painful of transitions. Boylan is a funny writer, with a sunny disposition, so her story is not as bad as it could be. I would laugh at one line, then cry at the next. Probably helps that she's co-chair of the English department at Colby College. Where my heart tore to shreds was for her wife, Grace. Aptly named, hers was the story I wanted to know and Boylan gives us a lot of it. I want to be angry with Boy...more

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May 06, 2009 Joel rated it 5 of 5 stars

I read this book right after reading Whippping Girl, which I also reviewed, and, though it's merely a mostly/loosely true autobiographical account, I really felt that it did more to help my understanding of the experience of a male to female spectrum transsexual than WG.

This is just one of those books -- much like what I said about David Foster Wallace's "Brief Interviews With Hideous Men" -- that asks a lot of questions for which there are simply no good answers. Most of us think things like,...more

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Jul 05, 2007 Nancy rated it 3 of 5 stars

I had trouble with the stream of consciousness style.........but I got used to it.

I must have missed something. I looked at the reviews on Amazon (to see if I'm the nut, usually) and most reviewers said something to the effect of how this book gave them some grand understanding of transgender.

I found the treatment relatively superficial in that regard. I do like her sense of humor so I'm going to get one of her novels to read.

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May 02, 2007 Kaitlin rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Colby Grads!

Shelves: memoir, non-fiction

I took a couple classes with Jenny and one with James, so I'm prejudice. But, I loved it despite that. I think the struggle to come to terms with something you already know but don't want to face is beautifully portrayed here. She talks about how she needs to be selfish in this decision, but at the same time, it tears her apart that she is breaking the hearts of those around her. All in all, it is a hopeful story and I really enjoyed it.

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May 18, 2012 Elise rated it 4 of 5 stars

I am glad I read this book and I feel like I learned a little. I still cannot relate to feeling the spirit doesn't match the body, or feeling uncomfortable in my body.

I'm a little offended that James thought clothes make the woman. He felt less distracted when he dressed in a skirt? Really?

This is a very interesting book and I'm glad I'm reading it. I do still wonder about the disconnect between the spirit and body. I've never been so out of sync with myself that I had to take drastic measures....more

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Mar 31, 2008 Theresa Nolan rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: alreadyread

Boylan gave a GREAT insight into one person's experience of being transgender. She was so honest, while maintaining a great sense of humor. I appreciate her story being out there for others to learn from/experience, although I'm painfully aware of her white, middle class experience of gender transition. A must read - even to understand what a partner might experience when his/her spouse reveals a transgender identity.

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About Jennifer Finney Boylan

Jennifer Finney Boylan is a widely praised author and professor.

Edward Albee summed up her oeuvre in 1988: -- "Boylan observes carefully, and with love. [Her] levitating wit is wisely tethered to a humane concern…. I often broke into laughter, and was now and again, struck with wonder."

Jenny's memoir, She's Not There, published by Broadway Books in 2003, was one of the first bestselling works by a...more Jennifer Finney Boylan is a widely praised author and professor.

Edward Albee summed up her oeuvre in 1988: -- "Boylan observes carefully, and with love. [Her] levitating wit is wisely tethered to a humane concern…. I often broke into laughter, and was now and again, struck with wonder."

Jenny's memoir, She's Not There, published by Broadway Books in 2003, was one of the first bestselling works by a transgendered American; until 2001 she published under the name James Boylan. She's Not There, currently in its eighth printing, is popular both as a textbook in high schools and colleges as well as with readers's groups. The paperback edition contains a "readers guide" in addition to the main text, which consists not only of Jenny's insights on "a life in two genders" but also includes an afterword by Pultizer Prize winner Richard Russo, whose friendship with James, and later with Jennifer, provides part of the books narrative.

She's Not There won an award from the Lambda LIterary Foundation in 2004, the year after its initial publication. The book has since been published in many foreign editions, and was an alternate selection of the Book-of-the-Month Club. Anna Quindlen called it “a very funny memoir of growing up confused, and a very smart consideration of what it means to be a woman.”

Her 2008 memoir, I'm Looking Through You, is about growing up in a haunted house. While trans issues form part of the exposition of the book, the primary focus of I'm Looking Through You is on what it means to be "haunted," and how we all seek to find peace with our various ghosts, both the supernatural and the all-too-human.

Jenny has been a frequent guest on a number of national television and radio programs, including three visits to the Oprah Winfrey Show. She has also appeared on the Larry King Show, The Today Show and been the subject of a documentary on CBS News’ 48 Hours. She has also appeared on a wide range of local and syndicated television shows, as well as NPR's Marketplace and the Diane Rehm show. In 2007 she played herself on two episodes of ABC's "All My Children." She has spoken widely around the country on gender and imagination, at venues including the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. and the New Jersey State Theatre. She has given plenary and keynote speeches at conferences on diversity and scholarship around the country, and at colleges and universities including Amherst, Wesleyan, Dartmouth, Columbia, Vanderbilt, Duke, Bucknell, Dickinson, Bates, Ohio State, Middlebury, Gettysburg, Georgia State, the University of Puget Sound, and Westminster College in Salt Lake City. She has spoken at law firms, at corporate events, and at bookstores from Seattle to Vermont.

Her nonfiction has appeared on the op/ed pages of the New York Times, in GQ magazine, Allure, and Glamour. She is also an ongoing contributor to Conde Nast Traveler magazine; her most recent work there was on Easter Island, published in the January 2007 issue.

Boylan's first book, a collection of stories entitled Remind Me To Murder You Later, was published by Johns Hopkins University Press in 1988. Her first novel, The Planets, was published in 1991 by Poseidon Press. (Simon and Schuster). Loosely based upon the classical piece of music by Gustav Holst, The Planets followed the lives of several fictional characters in the real town of Centralia, Pennsylvania, which has been afflicted by an underground coal fire since the early 1960s.

Her second novel, The Constellations follows the lives of several of the characters from The Planets, some of whom flee from angry cows, discover a latex brain, and begin a life of dognapping.

Her 1997 novel, Getting In, published by Warner Books, focused on four high school students who go on quests to get into college. The novel was optioned for film by Renny Harlin and Geena Davis, and Jenny was tapped to write the initial screenplay for New Line Cinema.

Born in 1958 in Valley Forge, Boylan(less)

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Quotes from She's Not There: A Lif...

“Although my understanding of exactly how much trouble I was in grew more specific over time, as a child I surely understood enough about my condition to know it was something I'd better keep private. By intuition I was certain that the thing I knew to be true was something others would find both impossible and hilarious. My conviction, by the way, had nothing to do with a desire to be feminine, but it had everything to do with being female. Which is an odd believe for a person born male. It certainly had nothing to do with whether I was attracted to girls or boys. This last point was the one that, years later, would most frequently elude people, including the overeducated smarty-pants who constituted much of my inner circle. But being gay or lesbian is about sexual orientation. Being transgedered is about identity.” — 2 people liked it

“As it turns out, we're all still learning to be men, or women, all still learning to be ourselves. pg 197” — 2 people liked it

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