The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children

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The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children

4.16 of 5 stars 4.16 · rating details · 1,537 ratings · 318 reviews

Every parent hopes their child will be self-reliant, optimistic, and well mannered, a challenge in our current culture. Clinical psychologist and Jewish educator Wendy Mogel distills the ancient teachings of the Torah, the Talmud, important Jewish thinkers, and contemporary psychological insights into nine blessings that address key parenting issues such as:

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Paperback, 304 pages

Published November 1st 2001 by Penguin Books (first published August 22nd 2001)

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Nov 23, 2011 Hafidha rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents, caregivers

Shelves: 2011-reading-list, parenting, spirituality

When Dr. Mogel, a clinical psychologist, decided - after marriage and two children - to embrace her religious heritage, one of the outcomes was this book. She impressively combines Jewish teachings with old school common sense and "progressive" values.

This is one of the best parenting books I've come across. Mogel places a lot of emphasis on the parent taking a look at their own behavior and correcting dysfunctional patterns, establishing order, being consistent, acting with authority and self-...more When Dr. Mogel, a clinical psychologist, decided - after marriage and two children - to embrace her religious heritage, one of the outcomes was this book. She impressively combines Jewish teachings with old school common sense and "progressive" values.

This is one of the best parenting books I've come across. Mogel places a lot of emphasis on the parent taking a look at their own behavior and correcting dysfunctional patterns, establishing order, being consistent, acting with authority and self-restraint over themselves, and so on. Straight forward, easy to read, well-organized, well-written, with practical examples for how to implement the various lessons. It covers executive functioning, simplicity, discipline, balancing safety with freedom, over scheduling, food pickiness, and other hot button parenting issues in its own way.

The first blessing chapter, "The Blessing of a Unique and Ordinary Child" is all about humbling the parent reader, as she warns us against common parenting mindsets that can be disastrous for our children (e.g. living through our children, trying to force them to fulfill visions of who we think they are, pressuring them to succeed at everything). My favorite line from this section is, "Your child is not your masterpiece."

In addition to that one, the chapters I found most relevant and useful in my personal family situation were "Blessing of Work" (chores), "Blessing of Food," and "Blessing of Self-Control."

In "Blessing of Work," she writes: "... when parents insist that children do their chores, they are letting them know that they're not just loved, they are needed. Ordinary chores are the foundation of our children's character and spiritual well-being."

In "Blessing of Food," she advocates moderation and celebration, and provides lots of advice for how to make mealtimes opportunities for sanctifying and expressing gratitude, rather than thoughtless, embattled, or shameful experiences.

"Blessing of Self-Control" is EXCELLENT. She provides specific guidance on how to rebuke or punish a child without humiliation, AND also how to assess whether a rebuke or punishment is even necessary. The first part of the chapter is all about acknowledging your child's worst traits and learning to see them as their greatest qualities and redirecting those energies into good actions. Towards the end of chapter there is a lovely piece on giving children who have been punished an opportunity to "make amends," an important concept which is often overlooked. While children need to learn self-control, it's the parents who need to exercise it and model it, or else there is no point. I think if you read nothing else of this book, read this chapter. I intend to read it once a week until it is ingrained in my brain!

The final chapter, "Blessing of Faith and Tradition," gave me a lot of food for thought. Though I'm basically an atheist and not Jewish at all, I do have concerns about my young child's spiritual grounding. She writes, "You and your family may choose a different path than that of your forebears, but if you don't want to get caught up in the anxiety, materialism, and competition all around us, you must choose some path to walk on with your children. You must name it, follow it, and plan the curriculum for their spiritual education as thoughtfully and intelligently as you plan their academic education." I have taken this to heart.

I've already got a short list of things to start implementing in our household, one by one. A common theme throughout the book is the importance of actions and praxis and how these are preferable to just having nice ideas in your head while your life swirls in a chaos and your children have little respect for themselves or others. For example, in "Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To," Mogel first explains from the Jewish perspective, why commandments on being polite are not a waste of time, or lessons in how to be inauthentic. Then she says, "In psychology, the theory of cognitive behaviorism holds that feelings follow behavior. In other words, rather than wait for your children to feel like being agreeable, you can teach them habits of politeness. If you and they use polite phrases every day, feelings of gratitude and respect can grow out of your behavior." She continues then to provide examples of how to help your children to be polite and give them opportunities to show courtesy and thoughtfulness in the home and outside of it.

The only negative thing I can say about this book after reading it once is the author definitely assumes you are middle to upper class, educated, and have a child who is "typical" in terms of mental or cognitive ability. I think she also writes towards a Jewish audience, which is to be expected given the scope of the book, but I felt like it was very much geared towards a particular economic class - it seemed like every client or situation she referenced was very well off. I think this reflects her personal experience so it's probably best she didn't attempt to overreach, but it does seem like she is maybe living in a bubble.

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May 19, 2010 Lisa rated it 5 of 5 stars

I enjoyed reading this book. Filled with seemingly common-sense guidance on raising children, I found myself noticing--more than normal--how children today don't behave (are bratty/insolent/fresh-mouthed, you get the idea) because they haven't been offered loving guidance as put forward in this book! Have you ever talked to a parent and they complain about their child's behavior and immediately follow it up with, "Well, what are you going to do?" I actually answer them by saying, "You could tell...more

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Aug 16, 2008 Elizabeth McDonald rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: those who interact with children

Recommended to Elizabeth by: my school

Shelves: non-fiction, teaching

This was required reading for my new job at a girls' school (which, incidentally, is not Jewish). Although I am neither Jewish nor a parent, I found this book very engrossing. I couldn't put it down, despite the fact that I was on vacation in the mountains at the time. (Well, all right, I could put it down... just not when I was, say, supposed to be going to sleep.)

The author, who practiced clinical child psychology for fifteen years, reevaluates modern child-rearing practice through the lens of...more

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Mar 08, 2008 Skylar Burris rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, judaism

This is perhaps the best parenting book I have read to date, and I have read several. The author writes from an explicitly Jewish perspective and primarily addresses Jewish parents, but, even as someone of a different faith (Christian), I found her advice and perspectives very helpful. The section about talking about God with your children addressed the same sorts of difficulties I experience as a Christian parent. I appreciated the philosophical outlook on parenting the author presented: the em...more

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Jan 28, 2008 Shannon rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Parents, teachers, those who work with kids, religious professionals

Excellent book for parents, teachers, or anyone working with kids. Mogel discusses how indulged and unhappy today's kids are, and teaches us how children can be parented in a way that helps them to become more resilient and capable. Her goal is to help us produce children who grow into kind, responsible, ethical adults. Imagine that! She uses Jewish teachings as her foundation, and while I am Christian, I found that all of her wisdom had a universal relevance, and spoke to me in profound ways.

M...more

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Jul 24, 2008 Moriah rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting-books

Among other things, this book brings up the point that parents today tend to want their kids to excel at everything. While I don't have grand designs for my kids and I'm generally very good at not getting sucked into keeping up with the Joneses--and their kids!--it hadn't dawned on me how the more subtle expectations of kids have changed since I was growing up. This book is great at putting certain aspects of child-rearing into perspective for today's parents--and you certainly don't have to be...more

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Jun 22, 2008 Nancy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

While I often lose interest before completely a parenting book, this one held me to the last page. The author took some time away from her practice as a a child psychologist to immerse herself in the study of Judaism. So many of the Jewish lessons she learned informed her new perspective on parenting, one that helps foster emotionally balanced, self-reliant, responsible children. I found many of her parenting lesson affirming of my own parenting style and took away nuanced differences of approac...more

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Mar 21, 2013 Sam rated it 1 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction

I was reading this book for a group (of young families) at my (Episcopal) church. About a third of the way through the book I just couldn't take it anymore.

While I don't necessarily disagree with her methods for raising self-reliant children---Dr. Sears' The Successful Child does a much better job than this does. And if you're looking for something focused on faith--Shalom for the Home--is excellent--and teaches much of the same stuff without annoying the hell out of you. You don't need Jewish...more I was reading this book for a group (of young families) at my (Episcopal) church. About a third of the way through the book I just couldn't take it anymore.

While I don't necessarily disagree with her methods for raising self-reliant children---Dr. Sears' The Successful Child does a much better job than this does. And if you're looking for something focused on faith--Shalom for the Home--is excellent--and teaches much of the same stuff without annoying the hell out of you. You don't need Jewish wisdom to raise happy, healthy children. More to the point, the book stinks of a converts zeal. It's less about parenting and more how awesome she finds her new found faith---which is well and good, but it doesn't make for a book on parenting.

Two things really angered me:
1. She tells a story about tolerance or welcome of a group of handicapped people while traveling in Israel with her children. She specifically says how wonderful it is that these people are welcomed and that she would have previously shielded her children from these "different" or "special" people. She clearly addresses this as a societal norm, and maybe it is. But its certainly not how I'm raising my young daughter. There are people at my church with both physical and intellectual disabilities. They are not curiosities to be enjoyed, but members of our community and family.

2. She dismisses the value of education regarding diversity and discrimination. She essentially says that there is no need to teach children to treat (specifically GLBT people or their families) people who are different with respect and dignity. Dealing with discrimination is good for building resilience....which must be easy for an uppper middle class, white, heterosexual, woman to say. She mocks the school's desire to create a "safe place" for everyone--even those suicidal gay student.

As a mother, who is also a lesbian, I'll be teaching my children to respect the dignity of every human being regardless of faith, race, or disability. (less)

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Sep 29, 2012 Lynne rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

This is one of the best parenting books I've ever read and I know I will re-visit it frequently. Mogel is a child psychologist who took a sabbatical from her practice to study judaism and train as a rabbi, and now she counsels families using a mixture of the two. The result is a common-sense philosophy that emphasizes the dignity of children and importance of helping them develop responsibility and the ability to deal with and overcome challenges. Nuggets of wisdom that I think about constantly:...more This is one of the best parenting books I've ever read and I know I will re-visit it frequently. Mogel is a child psychologist who took a sabbatical from her practice to study judaism and train as a rabbi, and now she counsels families using a mixture of the two. The result is a common-sense philosophy that emphasizes the dignity of children and importance of helping them develop responsibility and the ability to deal with and overcome challenges. Nuggets of wisdom that I think about constantly:

-she talks a lot about how parents should try to see their children as gifts from God in the form of seeds from an un-marked envelope. They won't necessarily be the same kind of plant as you and their needs will inevitably by quite different. Careful observation will help you see where they need pruning/encouragement etc. to flourish

-children deserve to always be treated with dignity and when you reprimand them be sure not to humiliate them. Always give them a way to save face when disciplining. (This has been a breakthrough for me with Aida (5).)

-the most important skill children can bring with them into adulthood is being able to work through problems (that's life - an endless series of overcoming from and learning from challenges) and if parents do too much shielding, we are failing to truly equip our children to have happy lives

-take the time to develop meaningful rituals with your children relating to your religious beliefs. Faith in God will help ground them. I loved her example of preparing for the weekly sabbath meal, the repetitive tasks that her children did every Friday night that were full of symbolism and meaning and then the gathering together to eat and talk about the challenges of their week in the context of doing something where they were worshipping God together. Lovely.

-lots of great, concrete examples about setting up systems in your home for your kids to have jobs and real responsibilities

-she talks a lot about how children each seem to be driven by a defining characteristic. You can identify this by considering what most annoys you about your child. That thing that you think of within 2 seconds is the characteristic that you then need to figure out how to flip and direct for good. (ie, passion; deep sensitivity; persistence...)(less)

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Jul 27, 2012 Ensiform rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, work

The author, a psychologist who came to believe that the power of spiritual assurance and community had more of a healing power than therapy, explains how the Talmud can help parents raise children sensibly. She asserts that the three pillars of Jewish teaching – moderation, celebration, and sanctification – can be applied to areas such as chores, eating, self-control, and stress. She starts with the premise that children do not belong to their parents, but are a gift on loan from God, born to le...more The author, a psychologist who came to believe that the power of spiritual assurance and community had more of a healing power than therapy, explains how the Talmud can help parents raise children sensibly. She asserts that the three pillars of Jewish teaching – moderation, celebration, and sanctification – can be applied to areas such as chores, eating, self-control, and stress. She starts with the premise that children do not belong to their parents, but are a gift on loan from God, born to leave their parents. If you accept this, is logically follows that it is a parental duty to allow their children to be a little cold or a little hungry at times, to develop their ability to handle misfortune. She also makes use of the principle “deed over creed” – that is, good works inform good thoughts. It’s perfectly all right for children to feel irritated, or less than compassionate, but they should discipline themselves to act appropriately.

I was astounded at how similar this book is to Simplicity Parenting: subtract the admonition that God is commanding you to do these things, and Mogel’s book is an echo of Kim Payne’s: kids need to have good role models; kids need room to explore and fall and get up on their own; kids need less material goods so they learn to feel gratitude for what they do have; families need a day a week or an hour a day to have quiet reflection and connection; kids should get less media overload; kids need to eat what their parents eat. Mogel’s book does have quite a few nuggets of wisdom of her own beyond the basics, though, such as her advice to reframe children’s “bad” behavior as a strength (bossiness as assurance, complaining as discerning), her sensible tips on rebuking a child so the child keeps his dignity, or her precept that it is the certainty of a consequence, not the severity, that counts when teaching children. Still, what this all boils down to, whether cloaked in the language of family counseling or rabbinical teaching, is the most common-sense, simplistic truths. Be a parent, not a lawyer. Say no and mean it. Set boundaries. Don’t bend over backwards for your child. Let children see the consequences of their wrong actions. Model good behavior yourself, obviously. Take time to be together as a family. It’s bizarre that so many parents don’t understand these things without needing an “expert” to tell them, but there it is. (less)

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May 29, 2010 Jessica rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents

Shelves: parenting, jewish-interest

Mogel is a child psychologist who studied Judaism and applied it to her approach to parenting. Her basic premise is that children need limits and structure, and a place in both the family and wider community. She breaks her parenting advice into nine lessons and most, if not all, would apply to parents of many faiths and even of no faith in particular. Some of my favorite chapters: The Blessing of Self-Control, in which she discusses why your child's difficult traits are the key to his strengths...more

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Jan 14, 2013 Aileen rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

This book articulated many of my beliefs about parenting in an easy-to-read practical manner and the tie-ins to Jewish teachings was a fascinating aspect from someone not very familiar with that faith. As the cover states, it's more about raising a child to be a good person rather than raising a child to feel good. I see (and have been guilty of inadvertently causing in my own kids!) too much entitlement, whining, disrespecting parents, lack of responsibility and accountability, and punishments...more

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May 25, 2009 Kate rated it 5 of 5 stars

Confession: Typically when I read informational, self-help-y non-fiction I tend to skim through because I get bored with the writing style or the information in general. This book was a total exception!
Once I started, I couldn't put it down. I loved both the author's approach to child raising AND Judaism. As a non-Jewish mother raising Jewish children, this was just the push I needed to be proactive in bringing religion into their lives. Admittedly, we have no traditions in our household yet (I...more

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Mar 25, 2012 Shauna rated it 5 of 5 stars

Dr. Mogel's ideas & observations were right on. This is one of the most practical, straight-forward parenting books I've read in a long time. She did a great job combining Jewosh theology with parenting philosophy & I was surprised how often my own perspectives meshed perfectly. I even laughed out loud as I read the section on chores. Dr. Mogel gave several examples of parents having a hard time with chores & I thought, "These people need more kids--those things aren't even considere...more

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Apr 26, 2012 Kim rated it 3 of 5 stars

I admit to being a bit disappointed in this. I was expecting, well, more. Which, is ridiculous, because when I read parenting books, this is the feeling I am usually left with. I don't think I pulled out any new information, and I certainly did not pick up any helpful hints. However, I did choose to give this three stars rather than two, because it was a pleasant read. Mogel writes with an easy-going, un-preachy tone. And, everything she suggests is genuinely (I think) good parenting advice. She...more

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Aug 03, 2011 Omer M-j rated it 3 of 5 stars

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee is an interesting journey through Mogel's transformation away from child psychotherapist towards a Jewish-informed parent guide. The journey is filled with sweet anecdotes, both personal and professional, and lessons inspired by Jewish teachings and is a quick an easy read.
Mogel's enthusiasm for using Jewish principles and the gifts that being raised in a Jewish home can provide is evident. You can feel her enthusiasm infuse the book like the Shabbat candles she l...more

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Dec 30, 2009 Susan Thompson rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book had some good stuff in it. Refreshing, straight-forward parenting advice like the kind I get from my parents. I liked the idea of parenting that is "good enough" -- "Consider that "good enough" can often be best for your child, because when life is mostly ordinary and just occasionally extraordinary, your child won't end up with expectations of herself and those around her that can't be met on this worldly plane."

I feel like I often run into children (especially in our neighborhood) w...more

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Jun 19, 2010 Rachel Kopel added it

I liked this book on two levels. I am always looking for books on functional parenting in an attempt to replace in my mind some of the ideas that were used by my parents. I enjoyed Mogel's approach and have added some of her ideas to my quiver. Especially that even though there are endless opportunities available to us (and to children) it is ok to not do everything even when it is good stuff. It is a good choice to take the time to experience and process one activity rather than sail through ma...more

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Aug 15, 2012 Vera rated it 3 of 5 stars

There's nothing really new here--I think the precepts Mogel outlines are already 80% the way I was brought up and the way I am trying to bring up my own children. But it's still helpful to have it all codified and look at things like "because I'm your mother, and I said so" from a spiritual perspective.

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Oct 07, 2010 Sally rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

I haven't read any parenting books in a long time (other than the Bible!), so that may have colored my perception of this book. I really enjoyed this woman's way of looking at parenting. It was interesting to hear about her own journey to faith. She has a refreshingly commonsense, traditional approach to child-rearing. I only wish she believed the Bible were true, rather than presenting it as "real or legendary and mythic". It was sad to read that women are primarily the ones trying to move thei...more

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Feb 15, 2012 Jim rated it 3 of 5 stars

I did enjoy this one. I think I enjoyed bits and pieces more than the whole. Some examples:

Mogel describes parent patients from her clinical psychiatric practice who were "disappointed" when hearing that their children had no mental disorder because, unfortunately, no drug or treatment could be given to fix their normal kid.

The author quotes Rabbi Tarfon as saying, "It is not your responsibility to complete the work [of perfecting the world] but you are not free to desist from it either."

She als...more

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Jul 22, 2010 Jennifer B rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, own, parenting

Lots of excellent food for thought!! This book is not so much a parenting "tips" book as it is a call to change perspective. I love Dr. Mogel, I mean, anyone who refers to dog training and Rabbinical wisdom on the same page is going to be a good read... she addresses why 'democratic' parenting is not workable for children-- I think there are many books out there with this authoritative approach to parenting but for me this one was so much richer for its blending of Jewish teachings to provide a...more

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Dec 28, 2008 Brooke rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is a book that approaches the art of parenthood in a traditional manner with sound, doable advice. With the speed of our lives reeving up by the second, it is important to help our kids be resilient, self-reliant, responsible, polite, respectful, and yet to allow them the freedom they need to develop into the adults that they will someday become—Mogel advises parents on how to do so with in your own familial structure regardless of your religion. While I can't yet apply every piece of advic...more

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Aug 19, 2009 Pam rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

Best book on parenting I have ever read. Really fantastic, sensible, and sane advice. As a parent who struggles with fostering responsibility when there are housekeepers, teachers, babysitters, and every other type of help available, this book actually had some excellent ideas of how and why to implement chores, discipline (in a rational way), and independence. Mogel starts with accepting a child's basic nature and saying that if you have identified his worst trait you then you have identified h...more

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May 02, 2013 Alvin rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audiobook

This book easily goes up toward top of the list of books I would encourage all parents to read. Some may be turned off by the religious tone to the book. I'm not Jewish (I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith). Mogel gets her message of parenting across in the lens of Jewish tradition, but doesn't shove it down the reader's throat. I appreciated that she emphasized it as a perspective of the way she chose to parent, and doesn't lecture how Judaism is the best, but it was the best for her (and...more

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Sep 03, 2011 Frmaselli rated it 3 of 5 stars

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee offers wonderful parenting advice...how to accept your "unique and ordinary child" while providing the emotional and spirtual guidance they need. It was recommended by the principal of my daughters' Catholic school and I was slightly surprised at the subtitle," Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Self-Reliant Children," when I picked it up at the library. I found the Judaic principals applicable but felt that the same book and advice could have been used using Catholic/...more

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Feb 21, 2011 Jennifer Ockner rated it 5 of 5 stars

I have a list of people whom I would love to buy this book for - not that I think they need help with their parenting skills (well, some of them do), but actually the opposite. I found that Mogel's perspectives mirror those of role-model parents whom I admire - and they come from various countries, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. I have taken to reading parts of this book aloud to my husband. Her references to Jewish teachings are numerous, but they are not dogmatic; it is fascinating to see ho...more

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Feb 09, 2012 Shushlibrarian rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

I saw Wendy Mogel speak at my son's school. She's very charming and funny. Puts the bad moments (or years) of parenting into perspective. The book was a little more about the laws of Judaism than I cared for, but I did like the aspects of ritual and agree it's important to raise children to ultimately be responsible and good citizens. That means going through a bit of turmoil while helping your kids become responsible for taking care of themselves and contributing to the family. Overall, gives y...more

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Jun 02, 2012 Sharonm rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is a great parenting book, with the underlying message that each child is unique and parents must work to understand what sets their children apart and then capitalize upon that thing. A point the author makes that really resonated with me is that childhood is the only time when expectations are that you'll be good at everything -- as an adult, it is accepted that you have unique skills and there are some things you are not good at. We ask our children to do well in all subjects at school,...more

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Jun 15, 2009 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction, parenting, read-in-2009

A great parenting book full of common sense advice that we don’t hear much of these days. The author is a child psychologist who left her practice to address parenting and child-rearing issues from a preventive point of view instead of just dealing with clinical problems in the office. Her basic premise is that we as parents often try so hard to “protect” our children from the various hurts and problems of life, but in so doing we actually hurt them more than if we let them handle those problems...more

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About Wendy Mogel

Wendy Mogel, PhD is the author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children published by Charles Scribner's Sons in 2001. Mogel is a nationally known speaker and author who looks at every day parenting problems through the lens of the Torah, the Talmud, and important Jewish teachings.

Mogel graduated from Middlebury College and completed an Internship and...more

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“The sages advise us to study Torah lishma-"for its own sake" rather than to impress others with our scholarship. A paradox of parenting is that if we love our children for their own sake rather than for their achievements, it's more likely that they will reach their true potential.” — 8 people liked it

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