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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
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She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

4.12 of 5 stars 4.12  ·  rating details  ·  1,448 ratings  ·  139 reviews
As women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. And while it seems that men have struggled valiantly since the dawn of time to find ways to reliably elicit the female orgasm, rare is the guy who has the modesty to ask: "What do I do?" Ironically, th ...more
Hardcover, 228 pages
Published May 25th 2004 by William Morrow (first published 2004)
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Seaside Sunsets by Melissa FosterDreaming of Love by Melissa FosterShe Comes First by Ian KernerHe's Just Not That Into You by Greg BehrendtTesoro by Andrea Hintz
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3rd out of 42 books — 9 voters
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77th out of 91 books — 48 voters

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Community Reviews

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Mar 17, 2009 Julianna rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: All Adults Who Desire a Happier, Healthier Sexual Relationship
Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex gu
Nikki Sex
One man's POV on how to please a woman with oral sex. I bought it as a "joke" for my partner. Woo hoo! Turns out we both loved it. The author says most men are "ill-cliterate" and know more about what's under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. Recommended as a gift to your partner. LOL!
I picked up this book as a way to prove to myself that there are, in fact, men in the world who care about a woman's enjoyment as much--if not more so--than their own. Ian Kerner seems just the man--having just read his Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, and having dealt recently with a number of incompetant men, I was addicted to his genuinely uplifting take on the romantic/sexual/physiological relationhip between men and women--he really does give me hope.

That said, this book isn't gr
Obviously I’m not in the target audience for this title, but I was curious anyway. Besides, a woman can’t get what she wants if she doesn’t know what to ask for.

The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are p
Henry Le Nav
When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.

Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to a
Feb 03, 2011 Kevin rated it 4 of 5 stars
Shelves: sex
First, what annoys me about this book. There's a certain cheese factor to any "how to" book and this is no exception -- though the cheese is admittedly muted. More important, Kerner has a one-size-fits-all approach to sex. Different people like different things, and this is especially true of women. I'd couple this book with "The Guide to Getting it On," which beats it in tone (it's as hilarious as sex itself). The GTGIO emphasizes communication between partners. You don't know until you ask, or ...more
Max Wilson
The first third of this book is a good, thoughtful (even insightful) work of non-fiction providing an excellent summary of the female sexual arousal cycle, very detailed synopsis of human female anatomy and sexual physiology. There is a fair discussion of the impact of social norms and gender roles on heterosexual sex. Factually, this work starts strong, though the author's assertion regarding the declining protective utility of barriers for STD prevention with increased number of partners seems ...more
Still reading and referencing, some great concepts. Got to do a lot of technique testing and practicing with rave reviews. Was lucky enough to practice on some Bi and lesbians and was rated in the upper 80%. I've still got room for improvement, but that's pretty awesome for a guy to now be the best of the guys and better than most lesbians. Can't exactly brag to my parents but it's still good to know you're doing right and making women happy. Feel like a slightly perverted Captain America!
Everything you ever wanted to know about women and orgasms. If every man would read this, there would be no more divorce. This should be required reading in high schools.
Tricia Rosetty
The author's enthusiasm for both pussy and prose is admirable and something that's not seen enough publicly. As a word nerd myself, however, I felt that his references to grammar and writing were really overdone at times. The purpose of metaphor is clarity, but his felt more like they existed for charm and forced theme.

That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), m
She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.

The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis
Okay, the first book I finish this year, and it's a sex book. Of course. I noticed this book because it appears in Transformers 3; Sam's mom holds it up and declares, "There is some killer shit in here." My husband and I debated about whether or not that was a real book, so for giggles we googled it, and what do you know? It's a real book. (I lost the debate. I was sure it was photoshopped. I mean come on, look at the cover.) And it has good reviews! So, we said "What the hell!" and downloaded i ...more
This is the Kerner book touching on female sexuality but it is really about cunnilingus. Pretty exhaustive, actually, and had some good information. It has very specific cunnilingus routines, for those who are interested.

Heh heh, I'm blushing a bit as I write about this.
Kenneth Sherrod
I must say that I wondered if I would enjoy reading a, "self help" book on a subject as personal and private as this. I can say without a doubt I really enjoyed this book. My wife also read this and felt the same way and not to mention that it opened up a line of communication we didn't have before. I have read plenty of reviews that were negative and the main theme tended to be the book becomes one sided and narrow on the subject of oral sex. The other was it gives just one point of view about ...more
Red Phoenix
Not just for men. I think women can get just as much out of it learning about their own bodies and pleasure points.

Now I know what to tell my partner instead of, "Yeah more of that!", "Um... try something different."
I read this book along with my boyfriend, and I highly recommend it. If you want to take your sexual experiences to a new level of intimacy and pleasure this is definitely the book to do it! This isn't your typical "sex book". It is grounded in anatomical science, psychological reassurance, and this wonderful feminist idea that women should come first (and then again, and again). It is broken down in to three parts, and chronicles a woman's response to sexual arousal giving a man a guide to go b ...more
Josephus FromPlacitas
Lots of useful information in spite of a gratingly exuberant writing style. Almost every rhetorical flourish was cringe-inducing to the point of making me want to throw the book away. The noisy odes to the overrated Strunk and White made it almost impossible to get past the first chapter.

But it had very good details and ideas, although it was a bit rigid or ideological on many points. Thank God I won't ever have to date this fucking schmuck, but I don't mind culling from his knowledge base. Much
Excellent and a must read for both men an women!


1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristo
Ryan Parman
Instead of giving this a new review, I simply want to quote another review:

Will Swope: "This is a book for any guy who is serious about actually learning what most women want when it comes to this subject. It's true every woman is different, but this book is probably the best guide in terms of keeping it simple, but introducing new techniques. It's not just about the orgasm with this book, it's also about the intimacy building up that moment to be something more than it can be or that either of
Ariel Metzmeier
WOW! For a book written by a man about the art of making a woman cum I am FLOORED! It was very good and parts of it VERY FUNNY!!!
Half way through the book it become and How To book... with pictures and if that doesn't help you I don't know what well..
I was given this book tonight by my girlfriends father, he wanted me to take a look at it..I read it in about 2 hours never putting it down. I thought it was funny and well written. Good job! Reading this as a woman should re
When I was in high school, a friend shared with us his technique for female stimulation. But was done in jest, was oddly specific and a hilarious moment of our lives. As a technique, it wasn't particularly useful, particularly if the other person was aware of what you were doing.

This book reminds me of this. While the book contains some information on the basics, the majority of the book is an oddly specific list and sequence of activity and events. It's the Ian Technique! I suppose it sounds a
Title: She Comes First.

Author: Ian Kerner.

Genre: Nonfiction, Marriage.

Review: So, I don't usually review sex books but this one was so bad, I have to say something. I got it for my husband for our anniversary partly so he could pick up a few tips and mainly out of payback for the "surprise" birthday present he'd gotten me last year. I read this book in two days and I wanted to like it, at first, but by the middle of the book I was regretting having spent money on it. The main idea that the book
Michael A
I decided to read this because I'm pretty clueness about most things related to women. I come from a family background that is religious and that taught abstinence above all. I also intended to be a single man for a long time and didn't bother learning about any of this. When I tell you that parents pulled their children from sex education classes in my part of the States and claimed that the world is 6,000 years old, you will have some idea of the environment in which I lived growing up. My par ...more
I now feel as if I know more about female anatomy than many women do... I'm not sure if that's really a good thing. Great easy read and about as light on the scientific/anatomy side as could be made, especially on this particular topic.
I've read this with my husband, and at first payed plenty of attention, but as the premises became less real, my attention started to fly away. g- spot is the back of the clit? of course ; is equal the pleasure you have from both sides? No, is equal to touch the inside and outside of your mouth, mr kerner? because mine is completely different!

This book is only a self convincing consolation writing from a sexual disfunctional man (I mean no offense, is just what I get analizing the book psicolog
I stumbled across this book on my bookcase. I like Kerner's books of which I have 6.
This book should be on every sexually active man's bookcase. It is fantastic, a bit scientific but immensely valuable.
Aug 28, 2010 Katey rated it 4 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Men. All men. And women.
I don't think the 4-star rating need be elaborated upon. BUT overall this an interesting read, with a different perspective and truthfully, I actually learned some things. So women should read it too.
Edward Chamberlin
It had good physical descriptions and information in it, but Kerner's personality came off as very submissive and almost annoying. Overall, it's still a solid book and very readable.
I have to start this review by saying when my partner first introduced me to this book I was convinced (in all my stupidity) that it was good that the book existed for OTHER people, but that I knew what I was doing. The sad part is I know there are many millions more men like I was, who might think they know what they’re doing and just how to please a women but sadly so many of us live in ignorance. All I can say is I am very thankful that she opened my eyes, this book explains in the greatest o ...more
Currently reading this, things will be added as I go through it:

I'm glad the author didn't go with a title of 'Your Bible For Giving Her Mind Blowing Orgasms' or some other nonsense. I like the laid back approach. I also liked the (obvious) innuendo on the cover, instead of the usual, prototypical sexually charged visuals. The author is making a statement with the cover: I don't need to sell you with sweaty bodies or other obvious lures. It also shows that he isn't catering to the quick-fix mark
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Ian Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.

Ian is certified by the American Association of
More about Ian Kerner...
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“One should not make more assumptions than are absolutely necessary.” 0 likes
“Imagine going through years of your life with the gut feeling that none of it really matters yet, that it will start at some point in the future, and that the present doesn't really count. Does this feeling seem familiar? Have you ever told yourself that everything will ultimately fall into place once you [fill in the blank]? Who wouldn't wind up numbed to real hope and possibility after exerting so much energy for stuff that really doesn't matter?” 0 likes
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