She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner

Mar 17, 2009 Julie (Mom2lnb) rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: All Adults Who Desire a Happier, Healthier Sexual Relationship

Shelves: desert-island-keepers, read-2009, sexuality

Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex gu...more Reviewed for THC Reviews
As a woman, I know that I am not exactly the target audience for this book, but I decided to read it along with my husband. I thought this would be much better than guessing what the book was teaching men, and also open an effective line of communication on the subject. Even though I had read several positive reviews for the book prior to buying it, I was still very surprised by just how good it actually is. She Comes First is without question, the best non-fiction sex guide that I have read to date. It really hits the nail on the head when it comes to helping men understand a woman's body and what makes her tick, and the most amazing thing about that is it was written by a man.

In my opinion, one of the things that make this book work so well is the author's holistic approach to the female mind and body. Mr. Kerner has such a good grasp, not only on a woman's anatomy, but also on how a woman thinks, that I almost felt like he was inside my head while reading the book. The author's genuine care and concern for women resonates loud and clear throughout the book, and he makes a great case for why the woman's pleasure should come first. Any man who can read Mr. Kerner's words and truly take them heart will, in my opinion, have no trouble creating a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship for both partners. The other thing that sets She Comes First above some other books is that it is a well-thought-out work, which never seems like a cheesy sex manual. I've seen a number of sex books which seem more like porn than realistically helpful instruction books. She Comes First keeps everything very simple and real. Mr. Kerner writes in a very down-to-earth style that is easy to relate to and understand. He does use a lot of literary analogies, which may not be everyone's cup of tea, but the information contained in them is still quite comprehensible even if the reader is not an English major. Also, while many sex books incorporate full-color photos (which is fine sometimes), She Comes First sticks with ordinary line drawings which keep the reader's focus on the substance of the text while enhancing the words with helpful illustrations. In addition, the chapters are very brief (generally only a few pages long), and several of the ones on technique include repetition in the form of quick reviews at the end of the chapter, making it perfect for the ofttimes shorter male attention span.

My husband was certainly willing to read She Comes First, but since he already reads quite a bit about sex and relationships on the internet, I think that he was perhaps a little skeptical that he would learn anything new and more importantly, that it would actually work. Well, I can honestly say that both of us were pleasantly surprised by just how effective the techniques can be. If this book could teach my husband, a normally attentive lover, a few new tricks, I can only imagine what it might do for other men who aren't quite as skilled or considerate. Of course, that's with the caveat that they are open-minded enough to not think they already know it all. In fact, I even learned a few things about my own body of which I wasn't previously aware: Who knew that the clitoris wasn't just the “love button,” but an entire network of eighteen different parts, all of which contribute to experiencing sexual pleasure? I sure didn't.

She Comes First is first and foremost an instruction manual for cunnilingus, as well as an argument for why this is the most effective way to pleasure a woman. Still, there are also chapters on incorporating manual stimulation (a very important complement to cunnilingus), transitioning to intercourse and practical information on safe sex, in addition to parts that touch very briefly on things such as toys, light bondage, and sexual concerns such as premature ejaculation. The first half of the book is primarily about female anatomy, while the second covers step-by-step techniques. I would warn any man who might be tempted to skip the first section to get to the “good stuff”, thinking that they already know these things, to think again. A woman's body is much more complex than it may seem at first glance, as I demonstrated with my earlier comment about the clitoris. If there are things that I didn't even know before reading this book, then it's pretty unlikely that men would either, and truly understanding the female body and all of its inner workings is key to being able to effectively pleasure it.

Overall, She Comes First is a book that I would highly recommend to both men and women. Any man who wants to have a happy, healthy sex life and truly know what a woman wants should definitely be reading this book. Women should also do themselves a favor by encouraging their lover to read it, or at the very least, leave it lying around where it can be easily found. She Comes First has definitely earned a permanent spot on my bedroom shelf, and I am eagerly looking forward to reading the companion book, Passionista (the retitled release of He Comes Next). Ian Kerner is also a regular contributor to several magazines and newspapers as well as making appearances on various television programs such as The Today Show. Now that I know his philosophies definitely match my own, I'll certainly be looking up his articles and interviews as well. All I can say it that if Mr. Kerner makes a habit of practicing what he preaches at home, his wife is one lucky lady.;-)(less)

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Apr 02, 2007 J rated it 4 of 5 stars

I picked up this book as a way to prove to myself that there are, in fact, men in the world who care about a woman's enjoyment as much--if not more so--than their own. Ian Kerner seems just the man--having just read his Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him Either, and having dealt recently with a number of incompetant men, I was addicted to his genuinely uplifting take on the romantic/sexual/physiological relationhip between men and women--he really does give me hope.

That said, this book isn't gr...more

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Apr 26, 2008 Holly rated it 5 of 5 stars

Obviously I’m not in the target audience for this title, but I was curious anyway. Besides, a woman can’t get what she wants if she doesn’t know what to ask for.

The text is surprisingly entertaining for a self-helper, and the author keeps things light with a lot of creative euphemism (“lunch at the Y”) and deliberately over-the-top, tongue-in-cheek hyperbole (“Once her orgasm was but a distant and faraway destination in your journey down the road of arousal. Now the contours of her skyline are p...more

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Jan 10, 2013 Henry Le Nav rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.

Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to a...more When I first saw this book, I thought, Oh good a refresher course. Not quite. It is a comprehensive study that starts with the equivalent of 2 + 2 and ends up in advanced post graduate work in matrix algebra. If one takes this to heart, he (or she) would be a prize winning master.

Kerner provides a philosophy for this craft...the prominent idea being that the act should be practiced as indeed a complete performance unto itself and not merely a preparatory service. This redefines a skill set to an art form. In this art form the man receives as much pleasure from performance of the art as the woman experiences receiving it. The experience of pleasure is the key, not the usual goal oriented explosive ending. The author stated in one interview: “but most men just don’t know how to do it.” Women complain that “it’s like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s like a stampede ... and I just want to get out of the way."

So a good bit of Kerner's philosophy revolves around the idea of taking it slow and gentle but remaining attentive to the task at hand and adjusting the intensity of the delivery to her passion. Take your time, build tension slowly and enjoy the experience as art...to me a Soul fulfilling art. I would have enjoyed more on the philosophical and perhaps biochemical aspects of the art.  

Kerner gives the basic geography lessons and then proceeds into an extremely in-depth and detailed methodology of the science and practice of this art. So detailed that it actually struck me a bit humorous. It becomes something of a gold medal seeking Olympic sport. I love art and philosophy but sports leave me cold. It almost approaches a ludicrous level where one would be tempted to equip oneself with an anatomy book, drafting set, metronome, stop watch, and quite possibly a trained coach with a laser pointer and a bull horn. The dexterity required for some of the advanced maneuvers would be like playing Swanee River on a harmonica while thundering out Bartok’s Piano Concerto # 2 on a Steinway grand piano. He even includes a “Routine Template” at the end of the book that one can Xerox and record a history and create new routines.

I depart company with Kerner on a few issues. One is basic nomenclature. A carburetor may have 18 parts but not all 18 of them are called the throttle plate. Yes the throttle system may be larger than than previously thought, but it is not every structure within the geographical area of a throttle plate, just because you like the fact that the throttle plate controls how the engine goes varoooom varoooom. I can see possible 5 or 6 structures but 18? I think that serves to confuse the issue or at least exaggerate the structure in question.

My second objection is personal. While I may approach the high southern latitudes, I remain firmly a few degrees ventral of the south pole. There are definite hazards which I believe are best avoided. Again personal, but sloppy technique can result in problems.

The last issue as I hinted before is that I think he overemphasizes methodology. Most people are happy to bowl a 150 to 200 game. Nobody but a pro expects to have a 300 game. Most golfers don’t swing par. But the emphasis on methodology, the do this 5 counts, pause 5 seconds, east west swipe, southern rest, comes off with all the grace of a military marching band. We are not working for a Nobel prize here. There is too much emphasis on specific methods. Even though the author states repeatedly that one should not to be goal orientated, this over emphasis on specific steps and routines becomes extremely goal orientated.

My advice is to take the philosophical elements of this book earnestly. Go slow, go gentle, build tension, back off, build tension again, remain focused, become more forceful as required but only at her behest, and enjoy this experience, become drunk with it. Play the harmonica and maybe plink out chopsticks. Forget about Bartok...it is too technical and too demanding. Enjoy the experience for the pleasure that you will both derive and avoid the performance anxiety of too many specific steps, methods, and timings. Regardless of what one does, if he is gentle when needed, attentive, not in a hurry, and follows her cues, success is almost guaranteed. Despite the over emphasis on method and techniques, I recommend this book to everyone--both genders. The art is the great equalizer between the asymmetry of the human sexual response and it is one of the deepest forms of intimacy a couple can experience.(less)

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Aug 23, 2011 Max Wilson rated it 2 of 5 stars

The first third of this book is a good, thoughtful (even insightful) work of non-fiction providing an excellent summary of the female sexual arousal cycle, very detailed synopsis of human female anatomy and sexual physiology. There is a fair discussion of the impact of social norms and gender roles on heterosexual sex. Factually, this work starts strong, though the author's assertion regarding the declining protective utility of barriers for STD prevention with increased number of partners seems...more

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Jun 11, 2013 Kim rated it 3 of 5 stars

What I have never understood is why so few people make an effort to learn how to be good at sex. Like actually making an effort to read or learn the science and techniques of sex and of how the bodies of the opposite sex work somehow is a waste of time. This would be a decent book for any guy who is at that stage of his life where he is working to get laid for the first time and actually wants to not embarrass himself (of course, he should read about 10 other books with different perspectives to...more

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Apr 19, 2013 Tricia Rosetty rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: sexuality

The author's enthusiasm for both pussy and prose is admirable and something that's not seen enough publicly. As a word nerd myself, however, I felt that his references to grammar and writing were really overdone at times. The purpose of metaphor is clarity, but his felt more like they existed for charm and forced theme.

That said, his intent and teaching when it comes to the oral pleasures of a woman were well done and nothing if not succinct (chapters were almost always fewer than five pages), m...more

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Feb 02, 2013 Kathrynn rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2013, ibook, non-fiction-relationships, reviewed

Excellent and a must read for both men an women!

Chapters:

1. She comes first: The courtesy that counts
2. Her clitoris: The little engine that could
3. Think outside her box
4. The female orgasm: keep it simple
5. The tongue is mightier than the sword
6. Her inner goddess
7. Avoid Freud
8. What's in a name?
9. Now you see it: Female sexual anatomy
10. Now you don't: Female sexual anatomy
11. Avoid "G-spotty" logic
12. When raindrops keep falling on your head: female ejaculation
13. How wet is wet?
14. Aristo...more

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Aug 21, 2012 Will_decay rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I have to start this review by saying when my partner first introduced me to this book I was convinced (in all my stupidity) that it was good that the book existed for OTHER people, but that I knew what I was doing. The sad part is I know there are many millions more men like I was, who might think they know what they’re doing and just how to please a women but sadly so many of us live in ignorance. All I can say is I am very thankful that she opened my eyes, this book explains in the greatest o...more I have to start this review by saying when my partner first introduced me to this book I was convinced (in all my stupidity) that it was good that the book existed for OTHER people, but that I knew what I was doing. The sad part is I know there are many millions more men like I was, who might think they know what they’re doing and just how to please a women but sadly so many of us live in ignorance. All I can say is I am very thankful that she opened my eyes, this book explains in the greatest of detail what is a mystery to so many men, the female orgasm.

The book is authored by Ian Kerner Ph D. He explains how he came to write the book, having suffered with premature ejaculation for most of his life, he set about finding other ways of pleasing women. It is refreshing as this book is entirely focused on female pleasure through cunnilingus and not about intercourse.

In this book the author breaks everything down to its most basic level. He talks about the stigma surrounding cunnilingus. He goes on to dispel many misconceptions about the female orgasm, the g-spot and just where exactly the clitoris is located and how it works. His writing style is enjoyable and he draws on many surveys as well as other professionals in the field of sex and sexual well being to illustrate and underline is point.

The book is broken down into three sections which are sub divided into a total of forty eight chapters.

*In the first section he talks about the theory side of things as well as the public attitude to the female orgasm while also addressing some of the wider gender issues. He talks about the origins of the confusion surrounding the female anatomy. He goes on to break down all the elements of the female genitalia with clear diagrams and talks about their functions as well as how they interconnect. Rather than just focusing on the clitoris he encourages the reader to make full use of every single part of the anatomy possible to stimulate the woman and maximize her pleasure.

*In the second section he talks all about the physical side of cunnilingus, everything from the first kiss right to the moment of climax and even beyond that. Every part of a great session is broken down into chapters which are short but very comprehensive. He covers the various stages of female arousal from arousal to stimulation, pre-orgasm and climax (as well as everything in between), the physical changes that occur during these stages, the signs to look for as one performing the act. The advice in this section is invaluable. He breaks the entire process down and makes it easy to understand.

*The third and final section, which is a little shorter, he talks about bringing the emotional and physical side of things together and also explains various routines that one can engage in. It is a summary, a refresher on the entire book, touching on all the important points covered previously.

It is an extremely well written book which draws on the authors’ personal experience as well as a host of other sources. I can’t imagine there is a more comprehensive book out there on the subject. The author covers every point you can imagine from attitudes to scent, from caressing to anal play, kisses to climax. Simply put a superb book and I highly recommend it to anyone who seriously wishes to please a woman.
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Jan 11, 2012 Allison rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: nonfiction

Okay, the first book I finish this year, and it's a sex book. Of course. I noticed this book because it appears in Transformers 3; Sam's mom holds it up and declares, "There is some killer shit in here." My husband and I debated about whether or not that was a real book, so for giggles we googled it, and what do you know? It's a real book. (I lost the debate. I was sure it was photoshopped. I mean come on, look at the cover.) And it has good reviews! So, we said "What the hell!" and downloaded i...more

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Feb 03, 2011 Kevin rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: sex

First, what annoys me about this book. There's a certain cheese factor to any "how to" book and this is no exception -- though the cheese is admittedly muted. More important, Kerner has a one-size-fits-all approach to sex. Different people like different things, and this is especially true of women. I'd couple this book with "The Guide to Getting it On," which beats it in tone (it's as hilarious as sex itself). The GTGIO emphasizes communication between partners. You don't know until you ask, or...more

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Jul 03, 2012 Emerald rated it 5 of 5 stars

I read this book along with my boyfriend, and I highly recommend it. If you want to take your sexual experiences to a new level of intimacy and pleasure this is definitely the book to do it! This isn't your typical "sex book". It is grounded in anatomical science, psychological reassurance, and this wonderful feminist idea that women should come first (and then again, and again). It is broken down in to three parts, and chronicles a woman's response to sexual arousal giving a man a guide to go b...more

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Feb 11, 2012 Orion rated it 4 of 5 stars

She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.

The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis...more She Comes First is a manual for men on how to provide sexual pleasure to a woman. The premise of the book is the fact that female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. He goes on to say that the best clitoral orgasms are achieved with cunnilingus and that, because of differences in male and female sexual response, it is best for heterosexual couples if the female orgasm precedes the male orgasm.

The author has a Ph.D. from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists. Being an English major from Brandeis University, he has chosen to use the structure of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style to organize the information presented. The first section, "The Elements of Sexual Style," outlines female sexual anatomy and response. To make his case for the clitoral orgasm, he argues that the clitoris is much more than the glans, or love button, and that it has 18 parts, most of which are internal and not visible. Line dawings by Naomi Pitcairn are helpful throughout the text in illustrating anatomy and positions.

In the second section, "Rules of Usage," Kerner outlines the basic steps of cunnilingus from foreplay, through "coreplay" to "moreplay." This is basically an instruction manual on how to perform cunnilingus, broken into short chapters with a Let's Review section at the end of each.

The third and last section is called "Putting It All Together" and it provides routines, from beginner to advanced that the student can use. There is even a blank Routine Template you can photocopy and fill in with your own variations. The image of a young playboy keeping completed templates with women's names at the top, filed alphabetically in a ring binder came to mind when I saw this.

While I liked this book I felt that the format actually detracted from the presentation. Strunk and White's book may have been a revelation to some young college freshmen learning to write, but their methodology, does not always translate well to other disciplines. what saves the book is the author's enthusiasm for his subject and the knowledge he brings to it. If you have a clueless man in your life, this book may help him discover one of the greatest joys in life.
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Aug 14, 2012 J. rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: reference

Currently reading this, things will be added as I go through it:

I'm glad the author didn't go with a title of 'Your Bible For Giving Her Mind Blowing Orgasms' or some other nonsense. I like the laid back approach. I also liked the (obvious) innuendo on the cover, instead of the usual, prototypical sexually charged visuals. The author is making a statement with the cover: I don't need to sell you with sweaty bodies or other obvious lures. It also shows that he isn't catering to the quick-fix mark...more

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Nov 19, 2011 Will rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: general-knowledge, relationships, self-help

This is a book for any guy who is serious about actually learning what most women want when it comes to this subject. It's true every woman is different, but this book is probably the best guide in terms of keeping it simple, but introducing new techniques.

It's not just about the orgasm with this book, it's also about the intimacy building up that moment to be something more than it can be or that either of us thought possible.

It's a great book also to go back for a refresher on things from time...more

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Jul 13, 2011 Todd rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: sexual-health

One of the things that I like about this book is that even though it sets parameters for how to perform cunnilingus, it still leaves enough room for the individuality of your partner; the biggest mistake you can make is to assume all partners reach orgasm alike. When I showed the book to my partner, she laughed at me, not because of the content, but because I had highlighted passages. With that said, there is a lot of great information in this book regarding nerves/pleasure points, positioning (...more

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Oct 12, 2008 Erin rated it 4 of 5 stars

Everything you ever wanted to know about women and orgasms. If every man would read this, there would be no more divorce. This should be required reading in high schools.

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Feb 10, 2012 Ryan Parman rated it 4 of 5 stars

Instead of giving this a new review, I simply want to quote another review:

Will Swope: "This is a book for any guy who is serious about actually learning what most women want when it comes to this subject. It's true every woman is different, but this book is probably the best guide in terms of keeping it simple, but introducing new techniques. It's not just about the orgasm with this book, it's also about the intimacy building up that moment to be something more than it can be or that either of...more

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Jan 16, 2012 Josephus FromPlacitas rated it 3 of 5 stars

Lots of useful information in spite of a gratingly exuberant writing style. Almost every rhetorical flourish was cringe-inducing to the point of making me want to throw the book away. The noisy odes to the overrated Strunk and White made it almost impossible to get past the first chapter.

But it had very good details and ideas, although it was a bit rigid or ideological on many points. Thank God I won't ever have to date this fucking schmuck, but I don't mind culling from his knowledge base. Much...more

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Mar 23, 2011 Douglas rated it 5 of 5 stars

Hands down THE best book on going downtown on a woman I have EVER read.

I was 50% done with this book and applied the techniques and the next morning my gf sent me a text saying, 'Babe, I know I don't tell you this enough, but last night was AMAZING!' We broke up unfortunately, but she has some stuff to sort out. It definitely wasn't sex.

I can't wait to use this on the next girl. I've re-read the material, so its going to be even more fluid and smooth. She is in for a real treat.

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Aug 26, 2012 Scott rated it 5 of 5 stars

Still reading and referencing, some great concepts. Got to do a lot of technique testing and practicing with rave reviews. Was lucky enough to practice on some Bi and lesbians and was rated in the upper 80%. I've still got room for improvement, but that's pretty awesome for a guy to now be the best of the guys and better than most lesbians. Can't exactly brag to my parents but it's still good to know you're doing right and making women happy. Feel like a slightly perverted Captain America!

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Nov 19, 2012 Tofu Fairy rated it 3 of 5 stars

I read this to learn more about my body and see if I could learn any pointers for my partner in crime to try out. I learned a lot about myself and my anatomy and also learned the my partner already knows his stuff very well (not that I didn't already know that but can't everything always be improved? LOL). This would be a great book for anyone who goes down on women regardless of gender. Even though its supposedly geared towards men, I didn't find it to be gender specific really. I will say that...more

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Sep 04, 2012 Michelle rated it 5 of 5 stars

great info for the fella in your life that needs a better road map to your body..............so let's face it ladies that's all of them:) highly recommend giving to your man that is if his ego isn't so huge that he thinks he knows everything about your body. Oh hell give it to him anyway it might get him to realize he doesn't know.

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Apr 19, 2012 Marko Santos rated it 3 of 5 stars

This review is Rated R

A sensitizing guide to the wonder of female anatomy, I conclude that women are far more superior and evolved then men (If you know about human species evolution you'll know what I mean). I tried just about 25% of what the book teaches to do, and it works!

I don't give it 5 stars because the book could've been written in a single web article, it's written in a horrid, repetitive, tedious style of trying to sell you a magical formula but indeed the subject is of great interes...more

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Oct 09, 2012 John Nieves rated it 5 of 5 stars

Lots of general information you can learn over the course of living your life w/o the book, and a lot more information you will realize you had no idea about. i would recommend ALL men read this book if only to improve their ability to satisfy women, but more importantly to be able to satisfy someone they genuinely care for.

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Mar 29, 2013 Palominosaurus Lecturopitecus rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: in-library

Every man and woman can benefit from Reading this book. Wether You are into oral sex or not. Some of my patients have found it instructive and validating. Sharing it with a partner can break the ice in an otherwise uncomfortable topic for some couples, heterosexual or not.

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Sep 03, 2012 Marco Machado rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is definitely one of those books that everyone should read (gals included, even if they're not the target audience). Dr. Kerner does a pretty incredible job at describing both female sexual physiology and the social stigmas involved in their sexuality, which is still applicable today (shame on Freud). While the second half of the book, involving procedural techniques, is one that I can't speak on or review, the psychology-related topics in the first chapters of the book are both eye-opening...more

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Apr 22, 2009 Carli rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

This is the Kerner book touching on female sexuality but it is really about cunnilingus. Pretty exhaustive, actually, and had some good information. It has very specific cunnilingus routines, for those who are interested.

Heh heh, I'm blushing a bit as I write about this.

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Aug 26, 2012 Ken rated it 4 of 5 stars

I now feel as if I know more about female anatomy than many women do... I'm not sure if that's really a good thing. Great easy read and about as light on the scientific/anatomy side as could be made, especially on this particular topic.

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May 07, 2012 Nothinguntouched rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: required4relationships

Hard to get through due to excitement- just wanna thank Ian for writing this little golden nugget. I learned things about my own anatomy I had no clue about. Boys, you may be AWESOME, but there's always room for variety.

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