Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

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Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

by Dan Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Teresa Barker

3.85 of 5 stars 3.85 · rating details · 1,848 ratings · 316 reviews

In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., two of the country's leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in more than thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Kindlon and Thompson set out to answer this basic, crucial q...more

Paperback, 287 pages

Published April 4th 2000 by Ballantine Books (first published April 4th 1999)

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May 12, 2013 LaLaLa Laura added it

link: Review on Classics Without All the Class Blog

In Raising Cain:Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, child psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson discuss the emotional education of boys. Through case studies, many facts and citations, this book suggests that schools, parents, and society overall do not foster the emotional growth of boys which causes long lasting issues such as anger, aggression, or depression. They describe a society that expects both too much and too little of boy...more link: Review on Classics Without All the Class Blog

In Raising Cain:Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, child psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson discuss the emotional education of boys. Through case studies, many facts and citations, this book suggests that schools, parents, and society overall do not foster the emotional growth of boys which causes long lasting issues such as anger, aggression, or depression. They describe a society that expects both too much and too little of boys. For instance, their actions are dismissed too easily by parents and teachers as "Well, that's just boys being boys." On the other hand, boys are held to the impossible and unfair standards of masculinity in which they are not allowed to express emotional vulnerability such as sadness or hurt.

I agree with the concept that there is a lack of emotional development for children in society, but not just with boys. There are many parents who do not foster their children's emotional growth and development, be it sons or daughters. There is often a greater value placed on academic achievement over emotional development. Some parents, for example, may care that the child reads for 45 minutes a night or does exceptionally well at school. However, what they miss is the fact that school does not teach the child how to manage his or her emotions, and this is where all parents must become teachers.

The book does not give the reader specific instructions. Instead of being a "how to" book, I found it to be more conceptual in nature. It is more of an eye opener to the way society acts and reacts to boys and shows how we must rise above cultural stereotypes for the sake of our children. I think if the readers understand the message, they will in fact be better equipped to understand boys and help them to become emotionally stable men.

Verdict

Bookshelf: In conclusion, I recommend if you are a parent of a boy or a teacher, that you keep this on your bookshelf. Kindlon and Thompson go through the different stages of a boy's life and the different emotions they can experience and how you can best support them. I do think if you are looking into this book to begin with, you must already be a pretty good parent or teacher and this can only enhance your relationship with that special boy in your life. For further reading about parenting and managing your child's emotions, I would recommend What Do You Really Want For Your Children? by Dr. Wayne Dyer. (less)

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Jun 27, 2012 Lktrigueros rated it 3 of 5 stars

I think what I got from this was have expectations for your son, but there's no need to be a jerk when enforcing them. Overcorrecting turns fallible boys into resentful, rebellious, and/or quietly hurting men. I needed to read that to give myself permission to focus more on loving my sons rather than calling their attention to their flaws.

What I didn't like was the abundance of unresolved case studies that seemed like they were supposed to illustrate some point but didn't really do that. There a...more

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Aug 21, 2011 Deborah rated it 5 of 5 stars

"Two of the country's leading child psychologist hsare what they have learned in more thant thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their family. they revieal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, agry and silent." So reads the back cover of this excellent book. This is a book that every parent of sons should read. I personally wish that I had read it years ago when my boys were younger. Even at the ages my sons are now, this book gave me some insight into what I...more

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Oct 24, 2010 Lois rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is one non-fiction book that I have read cover to cover, and that is really rare for me. I have been seeking a book that might help me understand my son better and how to help him grow-up to be an emotionally, psychologically healthy man. I finally found a good one, after LOTS of lemons.

This authors of this book are psychologists who bring many years of experience to this topic. They are also talented writers who are able to convey vast amounts of psychological knowledge in easy to underst...more

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Jun 19, 2010 Alexis rated it 3 of 5 stars

I think it was good, but not really for me personally. As a high school teacher, then an academic in education and now as a mother of boys, there was nothing in the book particularly "new" to me. My husband (and, may father) are not typically (or, "stereotypically") masculine men in the way the book describes and both are very able to discuss, respond to, and convey emotions. My husband is very active in our children's lives and embraces easily and comfortably roles that have traditionally been...more

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Apr 25, 2010 Abby rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Parents

Recommended to Abby by: Teacher

In today’s society, boys are supposed to be tough. They learn to never show their feelings, and they can be aggressive. Parents find them hard to talk to; friends can be a bad influence. Teachers punish them differently than the girls. All these aspects are part of a growing generation of boys who cannot show the world what they want or how they feel. Teasing and lashing out from peers teaches one boy he can gain power from being hurtful, and teaches another not to be emotional in public. The bo...more In today’s society, boys are supposed to be tough. They learn to never show their feelings, and they can be aggressive. Parents find them hard to talk to; friends can be a bad influence. Teachers punish them differently than the girls. All these aspects are part of a growing generation of boys who cannot show the world what they want or how they feel. Teasing and lashing out from peers teaches one boy he can gain power from being hurtful, and teaches another not to be emotional in public. The book Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson explores the inner turmoil of the boys of today, and how they must cope with all of life’s struggles while trying to wear the mask of masculinity.
Mr. Klindon and Mr. Thompson are psychologists hoping to bring to the reader’s attention the world boys live in today, and what changes to this world might make their lives better. Each chapter talks of varying influences on boys from their early teens and late teens. Both psychologists also recall therapy sessions that they have had with different troubled boys. The book’s format is relatively easy to start from anywhere: the chapters divide themselves into influences and their examples.
After seeing the documentary “Raising Cain” in class, I was instantly hooked. As a teenager, boys are often confusing and play a large role in any girl’s life. The book seemed to be all questions wrapped in a paperback cover. My initial thoughts on the book were that it would tell me how a boy thinks, and then I would be done. The book not only revealed the inner workings of a teenage boy, but also showed me the people and things that influence them, and what behaviors boys are forced to exhibit. So many chapters gave examples of the world we live in today, how it is affecting our generations’ boys, and what parents and peers alike can do to change the norms. Boys struggle so much today to make their parents proud, to impress girls, to get along with friends. Perhaps if everyone could read this book, teenage boys’ lives would be even the smallest bit easier-- because understanding a boy is the first step to helping a boy.(less)

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Mar 19, 2010 Esmeralda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: education, health, interpersonal, moppets, politics, parenting

Kindlon and Thompson are psychologists with over 35 years experience in professional dialogue with boys and young men. Coincidently this book was published April 8, 1999 - 12 days before the Columbine high school violence. American communities need to understand that boys are statistically more violent. It is not testosterone it is social cues, family culture.

The writers daftly explain how biology, cultural mores, and family dynamics create a distinct internal environment for boys. Observations...more

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Nov 09, 2009 Deron rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

When I discovered that I was going to be the father of not just one boy, but two I started to scratch around at the "boys in our culture" books that seem to have become a popular genre in the last ten years. I knew going into that it wasn't just my parenting that I was curious about but if these lens would give me insight into my own childhood and ideas about what composes a "good" man.
The basic argument of the book is that our culture teaches boys to ignore their emotional lives and "toughen" u...more

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Apr 29, 2009 Roy rated it 1 of 5 stars Recommends it for: No one

Recommended to Roy by: New Albany-Plain local schhols

I have three boys, so I bought this book several years ago and it sat around. Recently my school disctrict decided to have an open discussion based on this book, so I decided to read it.

This is a depressing and dangerous book. The authors are psychologists who have worked with boys/men, but I truly believe they lost touch with the fact that their patients were troubled people. The conclusions that are drawn are based on the worst examples, and they offer no suggestions about how to solve what th...more

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Jul 25, 2011 Nathan added it

It's surprising how little we know of boys--even if you were one. This book can fix that.

“If we teach our sons to honor and value their emotional lives, if we can give boys an emotional vocabulary and the encouragement to use it, they will unclench their hearts.” This seems to be the crux of Raising Cain.

I work at a boys’ home. As part of training, I read six youth-help books in one week. After a while, the genre all starts to sound the same, yet Raising Cain stood apart from the rest. It is the...more

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Feb 05, 2011 Khaya rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: readablenonfiction, professionallit, we-re-all-going-to-hell

The authors of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys describe a society our boys are growing up in that is cruel and suppressive, imposing impossible expectations of masculinity. Boys are encouraged to compete ruthlessly, to remain unaware of their inner lives, and to avoid any expression or behavior that smacks of the feminine. Fathers, being emotionally illiterate themselves, are disconnected from their boys; mothers are a bit more involved but at a loss for how to deal with thei...more The authors of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys describe a society our boys are growing up in that is cruel and suppressive, imposing impossible expectations of masculinity. Boys are encouraged to compete ruthlessly, to remain unaware of their inner lives, and to avoid any expression or behavior that smacks of the feminine. Fathers, being emotionally illiterate themselves, are disconnected from their boys; mothers are a bit more involved but at a loss for how to deal with their sons. Can a boy possibly grow up unscathed?

The authors offer a plethora of case studies to support their alarmist conclusions about boys' upbringing, and there lies the rub -- the authors' examples almost invariably describe deeply troubled boys from troubled backgrounds. I would find the authors' arguments about general society far more convincing if there were a larger representation of more mainstream boys who resemble most of the boys and men I know -- guys who grow up more or less happy and successful, who manage despite our admittedly imperfect society and even imperfect family backgrounds at times to get through school, hold down jobs, avoid drugs and alcohol, and even enter at least one long-term committed relationship. But these are not the boys we hear about in the book, and as such, boys' society in general is painted as a cruel place where it is impossible to grow up normal.

It's rather ironic that other books I have read accuse society of attempts to "feminize" boys rather than appreciating their uniquely masculine characteristics. At times, the authors seem to agree. “When we [the authors] mentioned that school might be a feminine place, she [a third-grade teacher] reacted somewhat defensively. ‘School isn’t a feminine place. It is a human place, a civilized place,’ she said. ‘It’s just easier for girls to adapt to it.’” (p. 24) The authors point out that boys in childhood tend to develop impulse control more slowly than girls do and to need a higher level of physical activity, aspects to which they feel teachers are not sufficiently attuned.

At the same time, the authors describe boys' society as pushing images of "macho-ness" which do not allow for emotional intimacy with others. Maybe it's because I'm a woman; maybe it's because I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish subculture; maybe there's some other reason, but I felt these claims were, at the very least, overstated and simplistic. In my society I witness many counterexamples to what the authors describe. And I think the source of boys' problems -- of anyone's problems -- is always multifactorial, even if boys' society is as godawful as the authors claim.

This book did have some merits. Some of the case studies were interesting, and informative for therapists and educators who are likely to see boys like the ones described in its pages. I appreciated the discussion of the evils of physical discipline, which offered language for having this discussion with parents who are using it or wondering about it. And although I felt the authors' claims were usually exaggerated, I wouldn't go so far are to say that they were baseless.

Ultimately, though, while I think a book like this does need to be written and read, I think it would be more effective if it offered a more balanced view of boys and their challenges.(less)

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Nov 27, 2009 Audrey rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: bodies-and-minds

Don't playa-hate -- better educate!

Advocates for better emotional education of boys from a young age. Emotional literacy! I can rally behind that.

Acknowledging that dudes have feelings, the authors suggest ways to help young and teenage boys understand, think about and express their feelings beginning in childhood. I'll probably return to it if I ever find myself a parent. Universal (uni-sex) themes: Acknowledge that feelings can be complex; encourage young people to find "emotional role model...more

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Mar 12, 2009 Liz rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: coming-of-age, education, gender-issues

“What do boys need that they’re not getting?” In a compelling success, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson effectively tackle the toughest issues facing adolescent boys today: identity, self-expression, and “emotional intelligence.” In their book, the two psychologists candidly discuss the ways in which society has systematically suppressed the emotional needs of boys and compressed masculinity into stereotypical ideals, impossible for any boy to meet. By using specific case studies from their comb...more

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May 22, 2009 Heidi rated it 4 of 5 stars

As a woman raising a son in a 2-mom household, I have found myself very focused on what it means to be a boy in our culture. I consider myself lucky to have a hand in raising a son to be a fine man, while also scared sh*tless about all the ways that it can go wrong. Raising Cain has been an eye-opening read, albeit certainly not a comforting one. This is certainly not a how-to manual (which the authors clearly state in the preface that they don't intend to be), and much more of a why-we-have-to...more

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Dec 18, 2008 Sarah rated it 3 of 5 stars

Recommended to Sarah by: Andrea

Speaking as someone with a background in gender studies/anthro, nothing in this book was terribly new, and although some of the generalizations were annoying and simply not true (boys are more easily aroused than girls, eh?), for the most part they managed to stay pretty well planted in the constructionist mindset. I'm not a parent, so it seems funny to recommend it to them, but - I'd definitely recommend it to parents, teachers, or anyone working with boys. I already told my mom to check it out...more

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Sep 25, 2008 Allison rated it 4 of 5 stars

An interesting look into the testosterone fueled culture that young boys are faced with. I really enjoyed it, not for my children's sake (obviously) but for the sake of the teenage boys that I work with. I had not realized all of the emotional baggage that comes with being tough and a manly.

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Aug 11, 2011 Rachel rated it 5 of 5 stars

Okay, so I am obsessed with parenting books. (Could be worse, right?) Anyway, I end up reading a lot of books about parenting in general, and a lot of books about parenting girls, but I've never read one about boys. So, maybe it's because this is the first one I've read, but I adored this book. TONS of excellent things to remember when parenting boys. I felt like this was the boy version of "Queen Bees and Wannabes", which I also loved.
A lot of this stuff, especially about middle school and how...more

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Jan 14, 2011 Tashina rated it 3 of 5 stars

Interesting look at the kind of emotional baggage that can develop within a boy when he is pressured to be a manly man. Not necessarily a "to do" book, but a guide to better understanding. A lot of my boy cousins have suffered from depression, drug abuse, alcoholism, and crime, yet the women of my family have all been pretty stable. According to this book, a lot of that can stem from boys not being as emotionally socialized as girls and they do not have the emotional vocabulary to appropriately...more

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Oct 03, 2009 Salina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

Bottom line
I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to understand their boys better, but if you are looking for specific "Do this..." this is not the book for you

About
This book was written by two psychologists and a journalist and describes some of the how and why boys behave the way they do. It is based on research as well as cases that the psychologists have seen in their practice and covers many points regarding the complex world that boys grow up in. Some of the material covered include...more

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Apr 13, 2011 Abbey rated it 3 of 5 stars Recommends it for: breeders

A must-read for people who a) have bred or b) plan to breed. This book deconstructs the way gender is perpetuated, creating generation after generation of emotionally illiterate dudes. As an added bonus, it's helped me to understand why mah boyfren' is so completely emotionally illiterate at times (hint: it's not biological).

Unfortunately, the authors' understanding of feminist issues leaves much to be desired. They wholly dismiss "date rape" as two kids getting drunk and the girl regretting se...more

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Feb 27, 2010 Kristi rated it 4 of 5 stars

I read this book shortly after the birth of my first son and think it should be mandatory reading for every mom who has a son. It's a compelling look at the brains and personalities of boys and has greatly helped me in raising my three sons. One of the most profound messages to me was to never shame or embarrass your son infront of others. That can change them for life. I took notes when I read this book almost ten-years-ago and I still have the notecards in front of me right now! It was that im...more

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Jan 30, 2013 Arlie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

A book about boys and the men they become, 'Raising Cain' has an extremely readable mix of science and heart. What are our boys' needs and how can we meet those needs? From gender differences, to elementary and adolescent boy culture, to parent-son relations, anger and violence, and communicating with, loving, appreciating, and enjoying boys, this book gave me a lot to think about. I appreciated the straightforward look at the way that many boys' needs are not being met, but the hopeful and lovi...more

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Feb 05, 2009 Jen rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book was highly recommended by other parents - one of the two authors lives in Arlington and gives talks sometimes too. They address the "emotional literacy" of boys, and it is good, and helpful. But as is the case with many parenting books, I found it reassuring that we're doing many things right, yet disturbing to be reminded of how cruel and repressed boys/men can be, and the risks lurking out there as my guys become teenagers! Fewer horrifying case histories and more practical tips woul...more

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Sep 25, 2008 Valerie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: autographed, cypresslibrary, for-the-boys

As a teacher and a parent, I have found this book extremely helpful in understanding boys.

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May 03, 2013 Carrie rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book was helpful by giving a few (two) reasons why boys sometimes go afoul. The rest was storytelling about their experiences working with various boys. It was an interesting story but in the end I wished it would have offered more solutions. I was having problems with my oldest son when I first picked it up. I was more confused than ever after reading it. I thought if I got him to say what he didn't like about a movie or something else trivial it would magically help his life. Suffice to s...more

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Sep 15, 2012 Algernon rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: children, education, psychology

A compelling study of biological and environmental influences on young males in our culture, and an impassioned case for reframing conceptions about boys and men. The major themes are the culture of cruelty that develops among children, some of the influences on that culture, and the power of emotional literacy in helping boys grow into empathic and secure men able to enter into intimate relationships. The book provides a good balance of research data with anecdotal material, and is written in t...more

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Aug 18, 2011 Nyree rated it 3 of 5 stars

This book really should have been a one to two page magazine article. Yes boys have feelings, yes they should be taught to identify those feelings and be encouraged to talk about them and work through them. That pretty much sums up the entire book. Probably a good book for people who still think boys shouldn't cry but I think most conscientious parents/educators from the last couple of generations already get this. The the content of the book definitely has a place and is needed but it's not a b...more

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Nov 12, 2009 Cheri rated it 2 of 5 stars

Filled with case studies of troubled boys, this book really had me questioning how boys grow up to be anything but emotion suppressing violent drug/alcohol abusers.

The author/psychologists blame a culture of cruelty and parents/caregivers that "toughen up" boys at a young age, teaching them to ignore their emotions. Heavy handed in laying out the "boy problem," they do little to offer solutions to combat this emotional illiteracy.

Read it for the frank discussion of adolescent boys sexuality an...more

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May 06, 2009 Andrea rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: book-group-books, important

Really interesting book about how to raise emotionally literate boys. If you have boys or work with them, I highly recommend this book. The gist (jist?) of the book is that most of the problems boys have stem from the fact that boys aren't socialized like girls are to be emotionally literate, to have an emotional vocabulary. Because of this failure, the book goes through (by chapter) problems that boys have: depression and suicide, drinking and drugs, heartless relations with girls, anger and vi...more

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Nov 18, 2012 Dani rated it 4 of 5 stars

It read very much like a narrative, and was easy to understand. It gave some tips from boys across a variety of socioeconomic, cultural and developmental ages. It also included those with different living situations from single parent homes and remarried/blended families. Also, it discussed different aspects that may cause boys to react in certain situations in certain ways, from disabilities to abuse at home. Also, it covered a spectrum of emotional issues seen at home and/or at school from dri...more

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“The most important thing to remember, the guiding principle, is to try to keep your son's self esteem intact while he is in school. That is the real risk to his success and to his mental health. Once he's out of school, the world will be different. He'll find a niche where the fact that he can't spell well or didn't read until he was eight, won't matter. But if he starts to hate himself because he isn't good at schoolwork, he'll fall into a hole that he'll be digging himself out of for the rest of his life.” — 2 people liked it

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