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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

4.08 of 5 stars 4.08  ·  rating details  ·  9,790 ratings  ·  381 reviews
The needs of women and men are similar. But according to Dr. Harley, their priorities are vastly different. Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? Out of the ten marital needs listed here, which are most important to you? In your opinion, which five are most important to your spouse?
Hardcover, 15th Anniversary Edition, 224 pages
Published April 1st 2001 by Revell (first published January 1st 1986)
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Community Reviews

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Christiandude
Although the author purports to be Christian, I have a hard time taking that seriously given the content of the book.

To be fair, I believe the needs tests for spouses included in the book are of value.

Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which sho...more
Jana Allen
I liked the overall point this book made. Everyone has emotional needs, and we should try to meet the needs of our spouse.

The problem I have with this book is that I felt the author justifies (especially men) going and having an affair because their needs were not being met. He makes no exceptions for sicknesses, going back to school, or just hard times. I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want (hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothi...more
April Lyn
Jul 20, 2012 April Lyn rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Everyone - married, divorced, or single
I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something. The author's insights are fantastic - for married, divorced, and single people alike. I thought of about five people I'd like to lend it to. I think everyone could benefit from reading it. The appendices were also very helpful.

If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but...more
Hoku Ho
Jan 02, 2008 Hoku Ho rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: Any married couple, but especially those in need of help.
This book the cornerstone of my marriage. My husband and I read it early on and I really feel that it was the secret to our success and smooth sailing through the rough patches and growing pains we faced in our first few years. It helps couples put their fingers on their own needs and the needs of their spouses, and gives you a common language and understanding to draw from, which vastly improves your ability to communicate about these important issues.
The sub-text of the title of this book is "...more
Andrea
I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight. First of all, this book is obviously written by a man! Someone who has never given birth or stayed at home full time with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

Secondly, the book definitely uses fear and negativity throughout the chapters. I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even...more
Tim
This book is terrible. Unlike many good marriage books out there that encourage you to look beyond your selfishness, this book plunges you into selfish behavior. This is NOT a Christian book, it is purely secular with no Biblical basis. If you focus on your unmet marriage needs, trust me your marriage is not going to get better.
In full disclosure, I read this book 5 years ago and thought it correct at the time. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could n...more
Lori Kellogg
Bunch of bunk. Don't waste your time. If a spouse is a cheater, they are a cheater. If they are not a cheater, it doesn't matter what the other spouse does or does not do, they won't cheat. This books tries to make people feel guilty if they have a cheating spouse, like they could have done something better/different to prevent it. Take a page from the newspaper...Arnold, Tiger, Brad Pitt, Weiner...all cheated on beautiful, talented, intelligent wives.
Doaa Aboelsoud

أعتقد أن فشل مجتمعنا فى تدريب الناس على إشباع احتياجات الاخريين - وبخاصة إحتياجات الزوج أو الزوجة - هو السبب فى ارتفاع معدلات الطلاق.
فالزواج ليس مؤسسة اجتماعية بسيطة يدخلها كل إنسان لأنه " يقع فى الحب ويريد أن يعيش فى سعادة " .
فما دمنا لا نرى أن الزواج علاقة معقدة تتطلب تدريبًا وقدرات خاصة على الوفاء باحتياجات الشريك الاخر فى الزواج , فإننا سنظل نرى معدلات الطلاق المدمرة والمثبطة للهمة.

كتاب أكثر من رائع يستحق خمس نجوم وأكثر
يتحدث ببساطة عن أن لكلًا من الرجل والمرأة احتياجات لابد من اشباعها لكى ت...more
Keith Kendall
Oct 05, 2013 Keith Kendall rated it 5 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: People willing to work to improve their marriage.
Recommended to Keith by: Carol Kendall
Shelves: marriage
This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person (even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction) may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality." In addition, by meeting the needs of your spouse, and by having your needs met, you will transform your marriage into something wonderful. It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the bo...more
Lisa Lewis
I don't remember how this book ended up on my "to read" list, but it was less than I expected. A bit dated, very stereotypical in the gender views, and kind of unrealistic in many of the recommendations. There were some good take-home messages: you can't expect your marriage to be happy if all of the happy/fun/best times you have are apart from your spouse, so you need to find activities you enjoy doing together and you need to spend sufficient time together. Also, to stay in love and wanting to...more
Beth
Really great book with so many tips and principles for strengthening your marriage. Highly recommended.
Donald
Nov 08, 2012 Donald rated it 3 of 5 stars  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: people in a relationship
Recommended to Donald by: Counselor
I read this at the behest of our counselor, who wanted us to read it to discuss for our marital counseling (no problems, it's of the 'how to stay in love forever' variety).

Advice books aren't really the kind of thing I normally go for. That said, this wasn't that bad. It's full of the kind of casual sexism books like this generally are, but it's not anywhere near as bad as Letters to Phillip was, and the author does make sure to say every once in awhile that these are 'average men or women, not...more
Rachel
Taylor and I read this book not because we have a rocky marriage but because we have an excellent marriage that we wanted to make even better. This book does have some very great advice for creating a better marriage by better fulfilling each other's needs. Taylor and I have tried to implement some of the things we've read about, and it has been fun. For example, it helped me have a better attitude about housework to think of it not just as a chore but as a way of fulfilling Taylor's needs and s...more
Isaac
كتاب بسيط و أساسي في كيفية الوصول إلى زواج سعيد
الفكرة هي ببساطة ان لكل زوج و زوجة له/لها حاجات وجدانية مختلفة
بشكل عام يتطرق الكتاب إلى اهم خمس حاجات عند الزوج و الزوجة
اذا لُبية هذه الحاجات يعيش الرجل و المرأة في سعادة
حاجات الرجل :
١- الجنس
٣-الترفيه، ان تكون زوجته افضل صاحب ترفيهي يستمتع معها في ممارسة الأشياء الترفيهية معا
٣- الجمال الخارجي، بحيث تهتم المرأة بظاهرها
٤- الدعم الأسري او المنزلي، ان تجعل المنزل للزوج مكانه الآمن
٥- الإعجاب و الفخر ، ان تبدي الزوجة إعجابها و فخرها بزوجها دائماً

حاجات...more
Crystal
Sep 03, 2007 Crystal rated it 5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: people in relationships, or who want to be, and want to be succesful at it
This is the best book on marriage, and making a marriage work, and work well, that I have ever read. It's a little bit Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, but so much better. Willard Harley points out the common fundamental differences between mens' and womens' needs and talks about how ignorance of these needs can lead to your partner finding someone, intentionally or not, who CAN fill the unfilled need(s). it's might seem like a scare tactic--the subtitle IS How to Affair-Proof your Marri...more
Edward
I've been through two marriages and am currently (and very happily) on my third. My first two wives were involved in multiple transgressions that devastated me. I mean, really, really devastated me. It took me thirty years and reading this book to forgive them and to realize that their actions were somewhat predictable and not all their fault. I knew that I was not a perfect husband "what 20 something husband is"? I now know that it wasn't that I was imperfect or that they were; we were woefully...more
Jennifer
Great relationship book! While some of the men's needs made me angry and seemed downright sexist, just because I didn't like them didn't mean that they weren't accurate. I think a lot of female reviewers' problems with the book are that the author tells it like it is instead of how women wish it were or think it should be. That being said, every individual has to choose how far they are willing to go to accomodate their spouse's needs without compromising who they are.

The bottom line is, the boo...more
Brent
Read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. It lays out 5 needs for men and 5 for women that if, not met often result in an extramarital affair. So, it is not really a feel good book, but its content has led my wife-to-be and I into some good reflective discussions.

The five needs for men are sex, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration, while womens' needs are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Though these...more
Ivy
The five needs for men are sex, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration, while womens' needs are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Though these needs are not true for everyone and may switch or be shared by both sexes.
I read this book in the late '80s early '90s....it held some eye opening ideas that I myself wasn't ready to understand. Yet now in the present and second marriage..we practice it and have a deep...more
Brent McCulley
One the best and most practical books on marriage I have ever read. Got to share this information chapter by chapter with my fiancee as I was reading through it.
Rebecca
I thought this was a really good book. The author says the key to having a happy marriage is to stay in love, not to learn to communicate better, etc. I totally agree. Based on his experience, he presents 10 emotional needs, 5 typically female and 5 typically male, and why they are important and how to meet them. It all made good sense to me, was written from a Christian perspective, and while not earth-shattering, was a great reminder and refocus. I decided Wally is a much better husband than I...more
Angie
Aug 15, 2007 Angie rated it 4 of 5 stars
Recommends it for: anyone considering a marriage or already in one
The author's blunt writing style is refreshing within the relationship-enhancing genre. He's a counselor fed up with people not able to make their marriages work, and he provides countless examples of what will happen if a partner's needs are not met. Chapters include the top 5 needs for men and women, toggling between the sexes. Though I don't agree with all 5 of the top women's needs, I did gain a better understanding of the other sex and what to watch for in my next relationship.
Mark
This book has some value points and I think accurately describe what are commonly men's and women's desires. I think this book can help partners understand the others desires which helps inform how to love them in a way that they feel loved. The flaw in the book is calling these "desires" people have "needs", and failing to recognize that when these "needs" aren't met, that it is a an opportunity to grow. We are not beasts driven by our passions and hungers.
Kendra
I just decided to go through my bookshelf at home and add some of the marriage books that we have read. This one is classic. We actually laughed a lot about it and joke about some the needs/issues often. It was yet another take on improving and strengthening your marriage. Every time I read a new perspective on marriage I learn something helpful - so I liked it.
Vivian
An old-fashioned take on strategies to keep the love in your marriage vibrant and healthy. While I agreed with most of the author's ideas, some rubbed me the wrong way...which could be a generational gap (he's been married 48 years as of the updated version of this book). But overall, thoughtful and interesting reading.
Laura
This is a great marriage book. I highly recommend to all married people. Harley has figured out what makes us all tick and gives practical and achievable advice for changes that can make everyones marriage better.
Kristin Call
brilliant book. Will be buying this one to read every christmas break. It's a great way to start a fresh year and I would do well to be reminded of the concepts in here frequently.
Tina Castro
I loved that this author didn't take all his advice and make it about God as well. This book had great advice!
Kimberly Chase
It would've been better titled "His Wants, Her Wants".
Kimberly
Very good. Husbands should read it!
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dragging my feet 8 66 Feb 18, 2013 07:13PM  
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.

Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in...more
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