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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

4.1  ·  Rating Details ·  14,336 Ratings  ·  478 Reviews
The needs of women and men are similar. But according to Dr. Harley, their priorities are vastly different. Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? Out of the ten marital needs listed here, which are most important to you? In your opinion, which five are most important to your spouse?
Hardcover, 15th Anniversary Edition, 224 pages
Published April 1st 2001 by Revell (first published January 1st 1986)
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Apr 23, 2011 Christiandude rated it did not like it
Although the author purports to be Christian, I have a hard time taking that seriously given the content of the book.

To be fair, I believe the needs tests for spouses included in the book are of value.

Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which sho
April Lyn
Jul 20, 2012 April Lyn rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Everyone - married, divorced, or single
I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something. The author's insights are fantastic - for married, divorced, and single people alike. I thought of about five people I'd like to lend it to. I think everyone could benefit from reading it. The appendices were also very helpful.

If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but
Jana Allen
Feb 01, 2012 Jana Allen rated it did not like it
I liked the overall point this book made. Everyone has emotional needs, and we should try to meet the needs of our spouse.

The problem I have with this book is that I felt the author justifies (especially men) going and having an affair because their needs were not being met. He makes no exceptions for sicknesses, going back to school, or just hard times. I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want (hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothi
Hoku Ho
Jan 02, 2008 Hoku Ho rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Any married couple, but especially those in need of help.
This book the cornerstone of my marriage. My husband and I read it early on and I really feel that it was the secret to our success and smooth sailing through the rough patches and growing pains we faced in our first few years. It helps couples put their fingers on their own needs and the needs of their spouses, and gives you a common language and understanding to draw from, which vastly improves your ability to communicate about these important issues.
The sub-text of the title of this book is "
Justin Tapp
Feb 10, 2015 Justin Tapp rated it did not like it
Shelves: marriage
My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it. While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represe ...more
Sep 16, 2016 Tim rated it did not like it
This book is terrible. Unlike many good marriage books out there that encourage you to look beyond your selfishness, this book plunges you into selfish behavior. This is NOT a Christian book, it is purely secular with no Biblical basis. If you focus on your unmet marriage needs, trust me your marriage is not going to get better.
In full disclosure, I read this book 5 years ago and thought it correct at the time. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could n
May 04, 2013 Andrea rated it it was ok
Shelves: non-fiction
I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight. First of all, this book is obviously written by a man! Someone who has never given birth or stayed at home full time with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

Secondly, the book definitely uses fear and negativity throughout the chapters. I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even
Kristin Call
Apr 11, 2011 Kristin Call rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
brilliant book. Will be buying this one to read every christmas break. It's a great way to start a fresh year and I would do well to be reminded of the concepts in here frequently.
Doaa Aboelsoud
Feb 01, 2014 Doaa Aboelsoud rated it it was amazing

أعتقد أن فشل مجتمعنا فى تدريب الناس على إشباع احتياجات الاخريين - وبخاصة إحتياجات الزوج أو الزوجة - هو السبب فى ارتفاع معدلات الطلاق.
فالزواج ليس مؤسسة اجتماعية بسيطة يدخلها كل إنسان لأنه " يقع فى الحب ويريد أن يعيش فى سعادة " .
فما دمنا لا نرى أن الزواج علاقة معقدة تتطلب تدريبًا وقدرات خاصة على الوفاء باحتياجات الشريك الاخر فى الزواج , فإننا سنظل نرى معدلات الطلاق المدمرة والمثبطة للهمة.

كتاب أكثر من رائع يستحق خمس نجوم وأكثر
يتحدث ببساطة عن أن لكلًا من الرجل والمرأة احتياجات لابد من اشباعها لكى ت
Keith Kendall
Oct 05, 2013 Keith Kendall rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: People willing to work to improve their marriage.
Recommended to Keith by: Carol Kendall
Shelves: marriage
This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person (even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction) may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality." In addition, by meeting the needs of your spouse, and by having your needs met, you will transform your marriage into something wonderful. It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the bo ...more
Mar 19, 2013 Isaac rated it it was amazing
كتاب بسيط و أساسي في كيفية الوصول إلى زواج سعيد
الفكرة هي ببساطة ان لكل زوج و زوجة له/لها حاجات وجدانية مختلفة
بشكل عام يتطرق الكتاب إلى اهم خمس حاجات عند الزوج و الزوجة
اذا لُبية هذه الحاجات يعيش الرجل و المرأة في سعادة
حاجات الرجل :
- الجنس
-الترفيه، ان تكون زوجته افضل صاحب ترفيهي يستمتع معها في ممارسة الأشياء الترفيهية معا
- الجمال الخارجي، بحيث تهتم المرأة بظاهرها
- الدعم الأسري او المنزلي، ان تجعل المنزل للزوج مكانه الآمن
- الإعجاب و الفخر ، ان تبدي الزوجة إعجابها و فخرها بزوجها دائماً

حاجات المرأ
Lori Kellogg
Apr 06, 2012 Lori Kellogg rated it did not like it
Bunch of bunk. Don't waste your time. If a spouse is a cheater, they are a cheater. If they are not a cheater, it doesn't matter what the other spouse does or does not do, they won't cheat. This books tries to make people feel guilty if they have a cheating spouse, like they could have done something better/different to prevent it. Take a page from the newspaper...Arnold, Tiger, Brad Pitt, Weiner...all cheated on beautiful, talented, intelligent wives.
Katie Mccarthy
Jul 07, 2013 Katie Mccarthy rated it it was amazing
My husband and I read this before we married and at each anniversary we go back over how we are each doing with the needs. At least for us, this book has been a God-send.
Sep 24, 2012 Beth rated it it was amazing
Shelves: relationships
Really great book with so many tips and principles for strengthening your marriage. Highly recommended.
مما  قرأت
Dec 02, 2014 مما قرأت rated it liked it
تحميل كتاب احتياجاته واحتياجاتها من هذا الرابط :
Jul 25, 2016 Charmin rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: relationship
1. Men tend to try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. But the needs of men and women are often very different and by wasting effort trying to meet the wrong needs, a couple fails to make each other happy.
2. When a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the basic needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched.
3. An affair usually begins as a friendship. If any of a spouse’s five basic emotional needs goes unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of
المدرب محمد الملا
المؤلف أتى من خلفية هندسية ولربما هذا ما جعل من الكتاب في قالب منهجي ونظامي ويؤسسس لمنهج عملي على ضوء علمي وتجربة ميدانية ليكون الحل للكثير من المشاكل الزوجية

الكتاب رائع جداً وأعتقد إني سأنصح الجميع بأن يقرأئه، هو فعلاً يقدم رؤية رصينة وناضجة وعملية في علاج المشاكل الزوجية

اللهم ولأن المؤلف كونه مسيحي الديانة فهو وعلى ضوء ذلك يؤمن بأحادية الزواج وليس هناك تعدد زواجات والتي لو كانت ضمن منهجيته لتغيرت فرضية الكتاب القائمة على إن هذا الكتاب يساعد على منع العلاقات الأخرى غير العلاقة مع الزوجة الواح
Katie Hoffman
Nov 26, 2014 Katie Hoffman rated it did not like it
Some family member gave this to us as a wedding present and I eventually got around to reading it, mostly because I like reading about interpersonal communication and relationships (ie, Gottman). At the beginning, I thought the author had some credibility and somewhat (simple) decent advice but my view changed with each chapter. In sum, the advice centers on gender stereotyping (a whole chapter on all the things women should do to be physically attractive, including tips on getting professional ...more
Sep 03, 2007 Crystal rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: people in relationships, or who want to be, and want to be succesful at it
This is the best book on marriage, and making a marriage work, and work well, that I have ever read. It's a little bit Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, but so much better. Willard Harley points out the common fundamental differences between mens' and womens' needs and talks about how ignorance of these needs can lead to your partner finding someone, intentionally or not, who CAN fill the unfilled need(s). it's might seem like a scare tactic--the subtitle IS How to Affair-Proof your Marri ...more
Lisa Lewis
I don't remember how this book ended up on my "to read" list, but it was less than I expected. A bit dated, very stereotypical in the gender views, and kind of unrealistic in many of the recommendations. There were some good take-home messages: you can't expect your marriage to be happy if all of the happy/fun/best times you have are apart from your spouse, so you need to find activities you enjoy doing together and you need to spend sufficient time together. Also, to stay in love and wanting to ...more
Dec 09, 2014 Raja rated it really liked it

وجدت أن الكتاب مفيد جداً و بالأخص ساعدني كثيراً على فهم نفسي و أعمق حاجاتي العاطفية ، و بالتالي فهم الكثير من الأمور و التصرفات التي تُبنى على إثر هذه الحاجات. الآن أنا حقاً أملك تصورات حقيقية و ملموسة و متوازنة عن أهم حاجاتي و رغباتي العاطفية التي تحقق لي السعادة و الإشباع.

ليس هذا فقط ، و إنما يمتد هذا الفهم و التحليل إلى الأشخاص المحيطين بنا و علاقاتهم و تفسير أعمق احتياجاتهم و تصرفاتهم التي تبدو منطقية جداً في ضوء تحلِيلات الدكتور هارلي.

مرة أخرى كتاب مفيد جدا، إلى الحد الذي أوصي بقرائته لجم
Aug 15, 2007 Angie rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: anyone considering a marriage or already in one
The author's blunt writing style is refreshing within the relationship-enhancing genre. He's a counselor fed up with people not able to make their marriages work, and he provides countless examples of what will happen if a partner's needs are not met. Chapters include the top 5 needs for men and women, toggling between the sexes. Though I don't agree with all 5 of the top women's needs, I did gain a better understanding of the other sex and what to watch for in my next relationship.
Ethan Pollard
Apr 20, 2015 Ethan Pollard rated it really liked it
I am not a married person, but this book was recommended to me in preperation for marriage by a mentor of mine. The book is a good read but kind of a tough one because it digs deep into the author's understanding of why so many marriages have trouble in today's world. From what this book tells, the author sees the issue as a persons needs not being met. I completely agree. In a world of instant gratification, it is easy to fall into a cycle of self gratification. I feel this book can be helpful ...more
Mar 17, 2015 Jessica marked it as dnf
I have to admit, I didn't finish this book. I debated on even leaving a review for that reason, but I feel compelled to offer my thoughts on the chapters I did read. My first advice would be DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME. If you and your spouse are committed to the covenant you made with each other and God, if you're looking for guidance in being more like Christ in your marriage, this book is not for you. It does everything BUT point you in that direction. The thought of sacrificial love is non-existe ...more
Gwendoline Van
Feb 02, 2015 Gwendoline Van rated it it was amazing
His Needs, Her Needs is an easy-to-read, comprehensive look a the most essential part of marriage: fulfilling your spouse's emotional needs. Spoken in terms of the "love bank," Harley talks about how we each do things to and for our partners that either ratchet up our count in their love bank or drastically reduce it. Letting yours or your partners love bank get precipitously low sets you on a course for dangerous marital territory.

Harley breaks down each spouse's most vital emotional needs --
Nov 08, 2012 Donald rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: people in a relationship
Recommended to Donald by: Counselor
I read this at the behest of our counselor, who wanted us to read it to discuss for our marital counseling (no problems, it's of the 'how to stay in love forever' variety).

Advice books aren't really the kind of thing I normally go for. That said, this wasn't that bad. It's full of the kind of casual sexism books like this generally are, but it's not anywhere near as bad as Letters to Phillip was, and the author does make sure to say every once in awhile that these are 'average men or women, not
Mar 11, 2009 Rachel rated it liked it
Shelves: non-fiction
Taylor and I read this book not because we have a rocky marriage but because we have an excellent marriage that we wanted to make even better. This book does have some very great advice for creating a better marriage by better fulfilling each other's needs. Taylor and I have tried to implement some of the things we've read about, and it has been fun. For example, it helped me have a better attitude about housework to think of it not just as a chore but as a way of fulfilling Taylor's needs and s ...more
Mar 28, 2013 Edward rated it it was amazing
I've been through two marriages and am currently (and very happily) on my third. My first two wives were involved in multiple transgressions that devastated me. I mean, really, really devastated me. It took me thirty years and reading this book to forgive them and to realize that their actions were somewhat predictable and not all their fault. I knew that I was not a perfect husband "what 20 something husband is"? I now know that it wasn't that I was imperfect or that they were; we were woefully ...more
Jul 12, 2016 Cindi rated it liked it
This was a pretty good read and made a lot of sense. If you are fulfilling all of your spouse's needs he will not look elsewhere to fill that need but that can be difficult since men and women's priorities of needs is different. Good book to help understand what can cause an affair and how to ensure it doesn't happen in your marriage. Not my favorite marriage book but definitely an interesting read.
Sep 23, 2015 Vernita rated it it was amazing
Though, I'm single and I read this book several years ago, I highly recommend to those engaged, thinking of marriage or just starting off in marriage or to those seasoned marriages. Surely, you will learn how to value and appreciate your spouse and work thru those hard times with the best interest of your husband or wife in mind.A Great Book indeed!
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dragging my feet 8 69 Feb 18, 2013 07:13PM  
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.

Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in
More about Willard F. Harley Jr....

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