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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

4.10  ·  Rating Details  ·  13,581 Ratings  ·  451 Reviews
The needs of women and men are similar. But according to Dr. Harley, their priorities are vastly different. Are you able to identify which of the following needs are his and which are hers? Out of the ten marital needs listed here, which are most important to you? In your opinion, which five are most important to your spouse?
Hardcover, 15th Anniversary Edition, 224 pages
Published April 1st 2001 by Revell (first published January 1st 1986)
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Christiandude
Apr 23, 2011 Christiandude rated it did not like it
Although the author purports to be Christian, I have a hard time taking that seriously given the content of the book.

To be fair, I believe the needs tests for spouses included in the book are of value.

Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which sho
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April Lyn
Jul 20, 2012 April Lyn rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Everyone - married, divorced, or single
I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something. The author's insights are fantastic - for married, divorced, and single people alike. I thought of about five people I'd like to lend it to. I think everyone could benefit from reading it. The appendices were also very helpful.

If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but
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Jana Allen
Feb 01, 2012 Jana Allen rated it did not like it
I liked the overall point this book made. Everyone has emotional needs, and we should try to meet the needs of our spouse.

The problem I have with this book is that I felt the author justifies (especially men) going and having an affair because their needs were not being met. He makes no exceptions for sicknesses, going back to school, or just hard times. I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want (hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothi
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Hoku Ho
Jan 02, 2008 Hoku Ho rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Any married couple, but especially those in need of help.
This book the cornerstone of my marriage. My husband and I read it early on and I really feel that it was the secret to our success and smooth sailing through the rough patches and growing pains we faced in our first few years. It helps couples put their fingers on their own needs and the needs of their spouses, and gives you a common language and understanding to draw from, which vastly improves your ability to communicate about these important issues.
The sub-text of the title of this book is "
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Andrea
May 04, 2013 Andrea rated it it was ok
Shelves: non-fiction
I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight. First of all, this book is obviously written by a man! Someone who has never given birth or stayed at home full time with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

Secondly, the book definitely uses fear and negativity throughout the chapters. I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even
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Doaa Aboelsoud
Feb 01, 2014 Doaa Aboelsoud rated it it was amazing

أعتقد أن فشل مجتمعنا فى تدريب الناس على إشباع احتياجات الاخريين - وبخاصة إحتياجات الزوج أو الزوجة - هو السبب فى ارتفاع معدلات الطلاق.
فالزواج ليس مؤسسة اجتماعية بسيطة يدخلها كل إنسان لأنه " يقع فى الحب ويريد أن يعيش فى سعادة " .
فما دمنا لا نرى أن الزواج علاقة معقدة تتطلب تدريبًا وقدرات خاصة على الوفاء باحتياجات الشريك الاخر فى الزواج , فإننا سنظل نرى معدلات الطلاق المدمرة والمثبطة للهمة.

كتاب أكثر من رائع يستحق خمس نجوم وأكثر
يتحدث ببساطة عن أن لكلًا من الرجل والمرأة احتياجات لابد من اشباعها لكى ت
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Keith Kendall
Oct 05, 2013 Keith Kendall rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: People willing to work to improve their marriage.
Recommended to Keith by: Carol Kendall
Shelves: marriage
This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person (even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction) may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality." In addition, by meeting the needs of your spouse, and by having your needs met, you will transform your marriage into something wonderful. It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the bo ...more
Isaac
Mar 19, 2013 Isaac rated it it was amazing
كتاب بسيط و أساسي في كيفية الوصول إلى زواج سعيد
الفكرة هي ببساطة ان لكل زوج و زوجة له/لها حاجات وجدانية مختلفة
بشكل عام يتطرق الكتاب إلى اهم خمس حاجات عند الزوج و الزوجة
اذا لُبية هذه الحاجات يعيش الرجل و المرأة في سعادة
حاجات الرجل :
- الجنس
-الترفيه، ان تكون زوجته افضل صاحب ترفيهي يستمتع معها في ممارسة الأشياء الترفيهية معا
- الجمال الخارجي، بحيث تهتم المرأة بظاهرها
- الدعم الأسري او المنزلي، ان تجعل المنزل للزوج مكانه الآمن
- الإعجاب و الفخر ، ان تبدي الزوجة إعجابها و فخرها بزوجها دائماً

حاجات المرأ
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Tim
Jul 26, 2013 Tim rated it did not like it
This book is terrible. Unlike many good marriage books out there that encourage you to look beyond your selfishness, this book plunges you into selfish behavior. This is NOT a Christian book, it is purely secular with no Biblical basis. If you focus on your unmet marriage needs, trust me your marriage is not going to get better.
In full disclosure, I read this book 5 years ago and thought it correct at the time. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could n
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Lori Kellogg
Apr 06, 2012 Lori Kellogg rated it did not like it
Bunch of bunk. Don't waste your time. If a spouse is a cheater, they are a cheater. If they are not a cheater, it doesn't matter what the other spouse does or does not do, they won't cheat. This books tries to make people feel guilty if they have a cheating spouse, like they could have done something better/different to prevent it. Take a page from the newspaper...Arnold, Tiger, Brad Pitt, Weiner...all cheated on beautiful, talented, intelligent wives.
مما  قرأت
Dec 02, 2014 مما قرأت rated it liked it
تحميل كتاب احتياجاته واحتياجاتها من هذا الرابط :
http://goo.gl/taitI9
المدرب محمد الملا
المؤلف أتى من خلفية هندسية ولربما هذا ما جعل من الكتاب في قالب منهجي ونظامي ويؤسسس لمنهج عملي على ضوء علمي وتجربة ميدانية ليكون الحل للكثير من المشاكل الزوجية

الكتاب رائع جداً وأعتقد إني سأنصح الجميع بأن يقرأئه، هو فعلاً يقدم رؤية رصينة وناضجة وعملية في علاج المشاكل الزوجية

اللهم ولأن المؤلف كونه مسيحي الديانة فهو وعلى ضوء ذلك يؤمن بأحادية الزواج وليس هناك تعدد زواجات والتي لو كانت ضمن منهجيته لتغيرت فرضية الكتاب القائمة على إن هذا الكتاب يساعد على منع العلاقات الأخرى غير العلاقة مع الزوجة الواح
...more
Lisa Lewis
I don't remember how this book ended up on my "to read" list, but it was less than I expected. A bit dated, very stereotypical in the gender views, and kind of unrealistic in many of the recommendations. There were some good take-home messages: you can't expect your marriage to be happy if all of the happy/fun/best times you have are apart from your spouse, so you need to find activities you enjoy doing together and you need to spend sufficient time together. Also, to stay in love and wanting to ...more
Raja
Dec 09, 2014 Raja rated it really liked it

وجدت أن الكتاب مفيد جداً و بالأخص ساعدني كثيراً على فهم نفسي و أعمق حاجاتي العاطفية ، و بالتالي فهم الكثير من الأمور و التصرفات التي تُبنى على إثر هذه الحاجات. الآن أنا حقاً أملك تصورات حقيقية و ملموسة و متوازنة عن أهم حاجاتي و رغباتي العاطفية التي تحقق لي السعادة و الإشباع.

ليس هذا فقط ، و إنما يمتد هذا الفهم و التحليل إلى الأشخاص المحيطين بنا و علاقاتهم و تفسير أعمق احتياجاتهم و تصرفاتهم التي تبدو منطقية جداً في ضوء تحلِيلات الدكتور هارلي.

مرة أخرى كتاب مفيد جدا، إلى الحد الذي أوصي بقرائته لجم
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Justin Tapp
Feb 10, 2015 Justin Tapp rated it did not like it
Shelves: marriage
My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it. While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represe ...more
Katie Hoffman
Nov 26, 2014 Katie Hoffman rated it did not like it
Some family member gave this to us as a wedding present and I eventually got around to reading it, mostly because I like reading about interpersonal communication and relationships (ie, Gottman). At the beginning, I thought the author had some credibility and somewhat (simple) decent advice but my view changed with each chapter. In sum, the advice centers on gender stereotyping (a whole chapter on all the things women should do to be physically attractive, including tips on getting professional ...more
Beth
Sep 24, 2012 Beth rated it it was amazing
Shelves: relationships
Really great book with so many tips and principles for strengthening your marriage. Highly recommended.
Ethan Pollard
Apr 20, 2015 Ethan Pollard rated it really liked it
I am not a married person, but this book was recommended to me in preperation for marriage by a mentor of mine. The book is a good read but kind of a tough one because it digs deep into the author's understanding of why so many marriages have trouble in today's world. From what this book tells, the author sees the issue as a persons needs not being met. I completely agree. In a world of instant gratification, it is easy to fall into a cycle of self gratification. I feel this book can be helpful ...more
Donald
Nov 08, 2012 Donald rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Recommends it for: people in a relationship
Recommended to Donald by: Counselor
I read this at the behest of our counselor, who wanted us to read it to discuss for our marital counseling (no problems, it's of the 'how to stay in love forever' variety).

Advice books aren't really the kind of thing I normally go for. That said, this wasn't that bad. It's full of the kind of casual sexism books like this generally are, but it's not anywhere near as bad as Letters to Phillip was, and the author does make sure to say every once in awhile that these are 'average men or women, not
...more
Rachel
Mar 11, 2009 Rachel rated it liked it
Shelves: non-fiction
Taylor and I read this book not because we have a rocky marriage but because we have an excellent marriage that we wanted to make even better. This book does have some very great advice for creating a better marriage by better fulfilling each other's needs. Taylor and I have tried to implement some of the things we've read about, and it has been fun. For example, it helped me have a better attitude about housework to think of it not just as a chore but as a way of fulfilling Taylor's needs and s ...more
Crystal
Sep 03, 2007 Crystal rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: people in relationships, or who want to be, and want to be succesful at it
This is the best book on marriage, and making a marriage work, and work well, that I have ever read. It's a little bit Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, but so much better. Willard Harley points out the common fundamental differences between mens' and womens' needs and talks about how ignorance of these needs can lead to your partner finding someone, intentionally or not, who CAN fill the unfilled need(s). it's might seem like a scare tactic--the subtitle IS How to Affair-Proof your Marri ...more
Edward
Mar 28, 2013 Edward rated it it was amazing
I've been through two marriages and am currently (and very happily) on my third. My first two wives were involved in multiple transgressions that devastated me. I mean, really, really devastated me. It took me thirty years and reading this book to forgive them and to realize that their actions were somewhat predictable and not all their fault. I knew that I was not a perfect husband "what 20 something husband is"? I now know that it wasn't that I was imperfect or that they were; we were woefully ...more
Vernita
Sep 23, 2015 Vernita rated it it was amazing
Though, I'm single and I read this book several years ago, I highly recommend to those engaged, thinking of marriage or just starting off in marriage or to those seasoned marriages. Surely, you will learn how to value and appreciate your spouse and work thru those hard times with the best interest of your husband or wife in mind.A Great Book indeed!
Jimena
Oct 13, 2015 Jimena added it
A friend of mine recommended this book who is going through some changes. I just finished it and would recommend this to anyone who is in a relationship. Great tips and insight on different ways to love your partner. Also, a good conversation starter with them.
Jennifer
Oct 09, 2013 Jennifer rated it it was amazing
Great relationship book! While some of the men's needs made me angry and seemed downright sexist, just because I didn't like them didn't mean that they weren't accurate. I think a lot of female reviewers' problems with the book are that the author tells it like it is instead of how women wish it were or think it should be. That being said, every individual has to choose how far they are willing to go to accomodate their spouse's needs without compromising who they are.

The bottom line is, the boo
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Brent
May 12, 2009 Brent rated it liked it
Read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. It lays out 5 needs for men and 5 for women that if, not met often result in an extramarital affair. So, it is not really a feel good book, but its content has led my wife-to-be and I into some good reflective discussions.

The five needs for men are sex, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration, while womens' needs are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Though these
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Ivy
Sep 04, 2011 Ivy rated it really liked it
The five needs for men are sex, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration, while womens' needs are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Though these needs are not true for everyone and may switch or be shared by both sexes.
I read this book in the late '80s early '90s....it held some eye opening ideas that I myself wasn't ready to understand. Yet now in the present and second marriage..we practice it and have a deep
...more
Brent McCulley
Sep 03, 2014 Brent McCulley rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: marriage
One the best and most practical books on marriage I have ever read. Got to share this information chapter by chapter with my fiancee as I was reading through it.
Rebecca
Mar 13, 2010 Rebecca rated it really liked it
I thought this was a really good book. The author says the key to having a happy marriage is to stay in love, not to learn to communicate better, etc. I totally agree. Based on his experience, he presents 10 emotional needs, 5 typically female and 5 typically male, and why they are important and how to meet them. It all made good sense to me, was written from a Christian perspective, and while not earth-shattering, was a great reminder and refocus. I decided Wally is a much better husband than I ...more
Jonathan Esterman
Apr 13, 2015 Jonathan Esterman rated it it was amazing
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dragging my feet 8 69 Feb 18, 2013 07:13PM  
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.

Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in
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