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The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work
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The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

4.10  ·  Rating Details  ·  267 Ratings  ·  35 Reviews
In his extraordinary new book, Terrence Real, distinguished therapist and bestselling author, presents a long overdue message that women need to hear: You aren't crazy you're right!

Women have changed in the last twenty-five years they have become powerful, independent, self-confident, and happy. Yet many men remain irresponsible and emotionally detached. They don't know h
Hardcover, 320 pages
Published January 30th 2007 by Ballantine Books (first published 2007)
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Jun 13, 2009 Parisienne rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Engaged Couples before marriage or couples hoping to maintain/improve their relationship
From the same author who wrote a book on Males & Depression. Insightful, compassionate and excellent supportive data. Case studies are amusing because almost every couple can relate to the arguments and issues. A "self-help" book with psychological and sociological overtones. If you are interested in human behavior I strongly recommend reading this book.
Nov 14, 2008 Vince rated it it was amazing
Like Terrence Real's other books I have read, this gets to some interesting topics. I had just finished watching Annie Hall for the first time and this book discusses a wonderful passage in that movie. Being a multi-book reader, I am not certain when I will get to finish this one but it is not because of lack of interest.
Mar 03, 2008 Susan rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Women
Recommended to Susan by: Kim Rice
This book is fantastic -and I don't say that just becasue my boss wrote it! It has some very good thinking on what it means to be married these days - especially for those of us who want it ALL. A good read for all women, I think!
Apr 27, 2008 Nicko rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Couples
This will be the wedding gift that I would give to any newly married couple. Good relationship advice for anyone though.
Oct 02, 2015 Colleenish rated it really liked it
This book has a lot of pages that made me say duh and a lot of corny exercises. But when it was good, it was really good. It lays out good principles and formulas for asking for what you want and for dealing with problems. Real does a great job of basically asking, "And how's that working out for you?" This book was a really good reminder that there's no point in being "right" or mysterious when it's hurting your relationship. It takes courage to be vulnerable enough to move past that. Bonus poi ...more
Oct 30, 2009 Hans rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Everyone
Definitely the best marriage book I have read to date. Many of the points made a deep impression on me. One of the reasons I like marriage books is that at their core they are relationship books with ideas and principles that can help us in all of our relationships not just our marriages, though our marriage is the most important core relationship.

I liked his idea of CNI or Core Negative Image. This is an intriguing concept to me. Essentially we create our own mental images of other people that
Aug 19, 2010 gina rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A very solid book about looking at your spouse and your relationships in a healthier way. I recommend it to anyone who's had trouble building healthy relationships due to past drama/trauma in their lives. If your one of those lucky people who has no problems and gets along with your spouse beautifully without ever struggling then don't waste your time. You're obviously an advanced creature on the evolutionary chain. But if you're like the rest of us and you love your spouse but you sometimes fee ...more
Deborah Alvarez
I highly recommend this book! I found a lot of useful information that both sexes can use without having to revert to thinking that one is from Mars or Venus. (I never liked that book or the thinking behind it since men and women don't HAVE to be socialized in their respective male/female stereotypes.) Some of the st...rategies include identifying psychological behavior violations and what do to about them to maintain your self-esteem and defuse escalation, using the Feedback Wheel for communica ...more
Apr 06, 2014 Jamie rated it really liked it
I am a therapist by profession and this book has some amazing insights to improve any marriage. It reads like a textbook in some ways so you may need to be patient...It does come with lots of questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are looking for a hands on book to read and apply in your marriage.
Sep 21, 2008 Kent rated it really liked it
When a friend suggested this book to me, I could only respond with a quizzical gasp. I'm single, neither married nor in a relationship. And I certainly never imagined that a relationship book could be a page turner. It was. What a tremendous read.

The format of the book makes the material both highly approachable.. The author weaves relationship advice with examples of couples that he has met with during his counseling practice. The concepts are presented in way that makes it easy to relate them
Apr 13, 2010 Sarah rated it really liked it
Recommended to Sarah by: Shannon Houghton
Shelves: 2010
This book has a lot of great things to say about communication. I think the beginning chapters are the weakest (and certainly the most reliant on gender roles), but it's worth sticking through to the end. As many reviewers have pointed out, the title is overly limiting in that you don't have to be in a troubled marriage to want to be a better communicator. Actually, the author does an impressive job of providing information that can be both prophylactic to healthy relationships as well as a last ...more
Jul 01, 2014 Fran rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: self-help
Lots of good information and techniques to start listening to my partner and stop the cycle of using old behavior patterns learned in childhood!
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Aug 23, 2008 Jennifer Finlayson-Fife rated it it was amazing
This is an exceptional, user-friendly guide to understanding and changing the dysfunctional dynamics in one's marriage relationship. It addresses the new realities that 21st century couples face as social and economic realities for women have changed dramatically over the last century and have therefore forever changed women's needs and expectations in marriage. This book assumes that seeking greater intimacy is marriage is important and doable. As a therapist, I have read several self-help book ...more
Aug 12, 2008 Holly rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: anyone in a relationship or looking to get into one
Shelves: self-help-books
I really like a lot of what Terry has to say in this book. Not all men are as clueless as some reviews lead us to believe, but as a marital therapist I have a broad range of behaviors that I witness in my office and many men struggle with how to talk about their feelings and share their insecurities. Women often have a difficult time asking for what they need in a healthy way. Terry addresses these issues and more in a way that is easy to read. I also appreciate that he gives tools to use immedi ...more
Jason Paulateer
Jul 28, 2014 Jason Paulateer rated it it was amazing
Good stuff for the engaged couple, the newlywed and the not so newlywed.
Oct 15, 2015 Asarum rated it really liked it
Good stuff. Practical and user friendly. Highly recommend.
Madonna E coutinho
Aug 17, 2014 Madonna E coutinho marked it as to-read
GREAT BOOK. Terry Real is a great writer and his analysis of the concept of 'historical patriarchy' in our society and in traditional marriage is very, very insightful. I want to read this one again, as I feel that there are so many very good skills, insights, and techniques that could be implemented in helping couples work through marriage challenges by looking at their relationship from a place that values each member's unique needs and desires.
Jun 23, 2007 Luisa rated it liked it
Recommends it for: anyone interested in improving their relationship
I thoroughly enjoyed this book. In addition to being a therapist, it's obvious that Terry Real's passion is writing. The counseling sessions he includes are beautiful illustrations of the therapy process at work and quite moving to boot. "New Rules of Marriage" also includes a helpful list of resources by various authors, as well as a quick reference guide to the techniques and points he's made throughout the book.
Kalika Kharkar
Jan 04, 2011 Kalika Kharkar rated it it was amazing
How to make a good relationship great. I listened to the audiobook which is narrated by the author, it is an excellent way of looking at today's relationships and improving communication for more romantic partnership. He has nice interviews on YouTube to get a feel for his ideas. Terrence Real's tone is kind but firm, and he sees his point of view as Rules rather than suggestions. But quite frankly, they work really well.
Jul 10, 2009 Ashley rated it really liked it
Should be required reading for anyone who has ever been, currently is, or plans to be in a relationship. Love his no-nonsense attitude that still manages to be light-hearted. I'm thoroughly convinced we're all making this (relationships) much more complicated than they need to be.
May be buying this book for future reference.
Nate Bagley
Jun 05, 2015 Nate Bagley rated it it was amazing
One of the best books on the topic of relationships that I've ever read. It made me think deeply about how I show up and what I'm responsible for... Which is more than I thought.

I'll be revisiting this book often to refresh and retrain myself for an amazing 21st Century relationship.
Jun 27, 2011 Anna rated it did not like it
Although it identifies some personality types that I didn't think of before - I don't buy his whole theory. He seems to feel that there can be atonement that is rather simplistic. Still not done but taking it in stride with other books.
Apr 02, 2016 Susie rated it it was amazing
Shelves: summarily-read
This book is a really insightful look at how most people's desires for marriage are different from their parents' and so require different skills that what their families were able to model. Has lots of exercises for practical application.
Robin Adler
Jul 07, 2009 Robin Adler rated it really liked it
Easy to understand what is not working in relationships. Great, simple tools for making relationships better. Challenges a person to look at how they contribute to relationship difficulties.
Jan 24, 2010 Shannon rated it it was amazing
Recommended to Shannon by: Cynthia Orr
Shelves: 2010
This book is brilliant because it's not a self-help manual, it's not a save-my-relationship manual, it's just a guide to becoming a better, more thoughtful, responsive communicator.
Oct 28, 2009 Tina rated it really liked it
The first two chapters were kind of off-putting for me, but the remainder of the book was very relevant and helpful. I plan to read it again and do the exercise with each chapter.
Ronya Gunter
Nov 04, 2012 Ronya Gunter rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition

This is a great book for anyone in a relationship wether things are well or falling apart. It has even helped me be a better friend and mother. Love it'
Jul 31, 2015 Judy rated it it was ok
This felt pretty demeaning towards men for the most part. It did have some good tips for standing up for yourself but saving a marriage takes two.
Gary Mccall
Nov 11, 2013 Gary Mccall rated it it was amazing
Excellent book on marriage and how couple can navigate the challenges of staying together and having a healthy marriage.
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