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The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development
Harvard psychologist RichardWeissbourd argues incisively that parents—not peers, not television—are the primary shapers of their children’s moral lives. And yet, it is parents’ lack of self-awareness and confused priorities that are dangerously undermining children’s development.
Through the author’s own original field research, including hundreds of rich, revealing convers...more
Through the author’s own original field research, including hundreds of rich, revealing convers...more
Hardcover, 256 pages
Published
March 13th 2009
by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
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This is a nice new (i.e. publ'd in 2009) contribution to the literature on parenting, moral and ethical development, social-emotional development, and/or even character development.
This genre includes better-known titles like Wendy Mogel's seminal Blessings of a Skinned Knee and others. But Wiessbourd's contribution should be able to hang in there and stand the test of time with the best of 'em.
I can see us using it as a parent education text or prompt in my school. It's very readable, not too l...more
This genre includes better-known titles like Wendy Mogel's seminal Blessings of a Skinned Knee and others. But Wiessbourd's contribution should be able to hang in there and stand the test of time with the best of 'em.
I can see us using it as a parent education text or prompt in my school. It's very readable, not too l...more
I became interested in reading this book not because I have any opportunity to put Weissbourd's lessons into practice, but because I am pretty interested in the topic of moral development and character education. I am not at all well-versed in parenting literature, but I do think Weissbourd's book is unique in that his focus is on how parents and other adults who work with kids can reflect and improve themselves, rather than actions they can take specifically to improve their children. One of my...more
I thought the book came across as too preachy and covered a lot of ground that's basic common sense. I also got turned off at the beginning of the book when the author acknowledged that some of the anecdotes were actually "composites." As a journalist, I can just imagine what would happen to me if I wrote an article in which I used these "composites." One point the book made that I think we parents can learn from, however, is that we need to be concerned with the broader world of children, not j...more
This book focuses on how we teach children to become moral beings, defined by the author as people who ask moral questions, see perspectives that are not their own, feel responsibility for others and maintain good relationships.
Weissbourd's prescription for how we teach children morality is two-fold: teach by example and exercising moderation in all of our parenting behaviors.
The best way to teach is by example, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has changed his behaviors in some ways upon be...more
Weissbourd's prescription for how we teach children morality is two-fold: teach by example and exercising moderation in all of our parenting behaviors.
The best way to teach is by example, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has changed his behaviors in some ways upon be...more
"Too many of us are failing to quarrel with all that is wanting and mistaken in the world around us, let alone asking our children to quarrel with these troubles."
While many of the issues in this book seem to be older child issues(my son is only 4), you really can't get started thinking about these things too early. While I felt a bit frustrated with the anecdotal nature of the book, what felt to be a bit too diverse of a topic, and a loose editorial hand, the book really hit its stride in Chapt...more
While many of the issues in this book seem to be older child issues(my son is only 4), you really can't get started thinking about these things too early. While I felt a bit frustrated with the anecdotal nature of the book, what felt to be a bit too diverse of a topic, and a loose editorial hand, the book really hit its stride in Chapt...more
I enjoyed reading this book as someone who currently has the chance to mentor many younger people while concurrently struggling to define my own moral self. Every day is full of situations rife with moralistic decisions ans issues and the ways we pass our own morals on to other people are often more subtle than we realize. The focus groups and research that support the opinions in this book are strong, and have therefore resulted in a coherent read that conflicts with common sense only here and...more
Apr 06, 2012
Erin
rated it
5 of 5 stars
Recommends it for:
All parents, teachers, and coaches!
Recommended to Erin by:
Todd Mallory
This book is a game changer. I've said this before about other parenting books I've read, but if you are going to read ONE parenting book, THIS is it. If there is one book that is going to erase your parental anxiety, this is it. This book is the one that helped me find my personal inner parenting strength. If there is a book that can increase the positive impact teachers and coaches have on their students, this is it.
This book blows the premises that popular modern parenting practices and belie...more
This book blows the premises that popular modern parenting practices and belie...more
Weissbound is a Harvard child and family psychologist and presents a thought-provoking look at the very moral act of parenting. Part of the book made me feel totally overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a parent and how our decisions have such moral ramifications, and part of it was really inspiring to think how we can have some really positive impact on the future generation. I appreciated that Weissbound was very thoughtful and grounded in his perspective and his writing. He's not preach...more
I found a great deal of what Weissbourd writes about to be simple common sense, but his emphasis on morality as a lifelong work-in-progress (as opposed to a stagnant goal we automatically achieve when we hit a certain age as adults) and the higher value of examples we set (over simple lectures that don't carry half as much weight with our children) did cause me to rethink a lot of the actions I take with my children and had me questioning what messages I've really been sending them. It's true, a...more
This is not a how-to parenting book. I probably agreed with most of what I read in this book, about how we sometimes undermine our children's development even with good intentions. I kept reading to find the part of the book that suggested how to use those good intentions to encourage moral development. It wasn't there. At best, the suggestions were broad or vague. I don't think I came away with many ideas of how to be a better parent, other than to watch out for the things I'm not supposed to d...more
From NPR most e-mailed stories on April 16th, 2009
Introduction
For many years, as a psychologist and a parent, I have kept my ear tuned to the latest wisdom parents receive about how to raise children who will become caring, strong, and responsible people. I have combed popular articles, tracked politicians' ideas, gathered advice from talk show experts.
The basic messages are predictable: single parenthood, peer pressure, and popular culture are destroying our children's moral foundations. Paren...more
A Harvard psychology professor's gentle and thoughtful perspective on how American parents are royally screwing up their children. I think all American moms and dads ought to read this book. It's short, to-the-point, but very reasonable and convincing. Particular examples: Raising children with the idea that making them happy is the main goal only produces little self-absorbed monsters. Believing that self-esteem is the most important thing to imbue in children doesn't lead to moral, kind little...more
Everyone needs to read this book! There were countless of fantastic points. I loved how the author talked about how American parents are obsessed with making their children happy but not necessarily teaching them morals. Also, how parents are trying to be their kids best friends and are not necessarily disciplining their children because they are afraid to hurt their self-esteem. I recognized a lot of my parent's teaching and behavioral patterns within this book. There were so many great thought...more
I found this book to be just okay. I often find that these type of books would be sufficient if they were the length of a pamphlet or maybe a New Yorker article, but they get dragged out over 200 pages. The author doesn't really give any suggestions either and the section on morality of Black and immigrant children was just simplistic.
I do like the idea that we need to be continually working on our own moral growth in order to teach our own children.
I do like the idea that we need to be continually working on our own moral growth in order to teach our own children.
Good advice, but all of it already thought of by this intensely unsure mom. . . and it sadly is mostly in thought form, or questions rather than answers. Good questions though, that all American parents should be asking themselves. My favorte chapter is the first, so even if you don't have the time to read another parenting book, it's worth a quick glance -- an examination of what our overly sensitive "self-worth" parenting, hiding our kids from all risk, currently in-vogue parenting style is st...more
Another purchase prompted by hearing a radio interview.
Interesting, provocative, cogent.
Instantly made me talk to James about who is and how he can go anywhere!
Makes me think about how I parent and teach. Especially about unspoken expectations.
I also liked the notion that what children need is not so much an understanding of right v. wrong, but the ability to do right even when it is the harder choice.
Interesting, provocative, cogent.
Instantly made me talk to James about who is and how he can go anywhere!
Makes me think about how I parent and teach. Especially about unspoken expectations.
I also liked the notion that what children need is not so much an understanding of right v. wrong, but the ability to do right even when it is the harder choice.
I purchased this book (Kindle) after a quotation from the author in a Parent's magazine article peaked my curiousity. The book was interesting, different from most parenting books that I have read. I liked that it was fresh, had an interesting approach to raising moral children and a I have changed my thinking on a few aspects of parenting. The downsides are that it's a bit scholarly (is that a word) and the conclusing was a bit much. 3.5 stars.
I think the topics covered in this book are things that everyone thinks about at one point of another - whether they have/want children or are just criticizing other people's parenting methods.
However, it was a fun review of all those coffee house conversations and I recommend it as a light read for a book club or something. It would be a great "discussion" book.
However, it was a fun review of all those coffee house conversations and I recommend it as a light read for a book club or something. It would be a great "discussion" book.
The summer reading selection for the school where I work, this book examines (lightly) the teaching of morality in schools, and how parents can be unintentionally a part of the problem. The frustrating part of the book is that he offers no real solutions to the dilemmas he identifies. As if awareness of the problems were enough. Not so much, Mr. Weissbourd.
I enjoy the author's commentary on npr better than this book. It may just be that his writing style lends itself to the shorter format more easily.
Anyway, some of his research was interesting, especially some of the anecdotes from teenagers he interviewed. I wasn't left with a clear conclusion though, or any idea of where to go from here.
Anyway, some of his research was interesting, especially some of the anecdotes from teenagers he interviewed. I wasn't left with a clear conclusion though, or any idea of where to go from here.
I can't remember if I read the whole thing, but it has some good parts, including the title premise that even our good intentions can saddle our chldren with stuff we really don't want to give them. He gives great examples that help a thoughtful and caring parent be even more self-reflective and attempt to do some things differently.
As the first book I've read on parenting, it was great to use the topics in this to start thinking about what parenting will be like as our child grows oler. Good for starting conversations with my partner about how we'll be with this new person in our life, what values we want to share, etc.
This isn't written in a very engaging way. His examples are weak and forgettable ... however, it did make me question some habits and ways that we engage w/ our kids. I need to pick this up again when the kids are older... not super applicable now.
Jan 04, 2010
Eric
marked it as to-read
I heard an interview with the author. He was fascinating. The book illustrates how today's society is focused on "acheiving" which can leave a person empty at the end of his life. We should spend more time on being good, just because, not for a reward.
A well-written discussion of the vital role parents play in their child's emotional development, and the many factors that can influence that process. An important read for any parent, but particularly for those of young children.
i thought this book was very interesting! The discussion of "over involved helicopter parents" hit home with me. Also, the author brought up some great points concerning listening to your kids about what they truly want when choosing colleges (and perhaps not what YOU really want...!)
Helpful tips about raising kids with good morals as well.
Helpful tips about raising kids with good morals as well.
Big thoughts, big problems, big insights....but no practical or usable advice to the average parent trying to make sense of moral issues in everyday life. This book is really just an extended essay of a Harvard-elite educator.
While interesting and informative, this was boring to read and not very helpful in a practical way. I agree with all the author's points and support his way of parenting but the book is more scholarly than "parenting". I imagine Early Childhood Ed, pediatricians, sociologists and the like will be reading this as opposed to parents looking for answers to the questions we have on the topics.
As seen in
The New Yorker
.
But won't only people fixated on becoming great parents bother to read the book?
But won't only people fixated on becoming great parents bother to read the book?
Very sobering, but also encouraging, reminding us that we are all capable of moral growth. In fact, continued moral growth as adults is necessary for us to be able to raise good (not just happy) children.
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Jan 16, 2013 07:40am