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Do They Hear You When You Cry

4.29 of 5 stars 4.29 · rating details · 1,165 ratings · 152 reviews

For Fauziya Kassindja, an idyllic childhood in Togo, West Africa, sheltered from the tribal practices of polygamy and genital mutilation, ended with her beloved father's sudden death.Forced into an arranged marriage at age seventeen, Fauziya was told to prepare for kakia, the ritual also known as female genital mutilation.It is a ritual no woman can refuse.But Fauziya dare...more

Paperback, 544 pages

Published January 12th 1999 by Delta (first published March 9th 1998)

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Nov 23, 2008 Amanda rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: human rights kids, women's rights kids

Shelves: read-in-2008

This is one of those stories which, if it were fiction, it would be totally unbelievable. It's the story of a young Togolese woman who flees Togo to escape an arranged marriage and genital mutilation, only to get trapped in the immigration system upon arriving in the US.

As I was reading this book, I would have given it four stars- the writing could have been more concise and there were some stylistic things that I didn't like. But by the end, I was so heartbroken and angry for Fauziya that to r...more

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Jan 14, 2008 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Katie by: Becky

Shelves: africa, memoirs, female-author

This book made me really interested in the process of claiming asylum. I've never thought much about asylum, but reading a personal account of someone suffering through the process really made me more interested in learning more about those seeking asylum. i went through a phase of reading a lot of books written by and about people in prison, all of which have been depressing to read, but her story added a whole new dimension. she had to suffer all of horrible things that happen in prison withou...more

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Jan 23, 2012 S'hi rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Human Rights Lawyers, Community Workers, Refugee Workers

A harrowing story of one young girl’s journey into womanhood, which reflects the tragedy in the lives of many girls throughout Africa. Covering the unusual freedoms of a family background which allowed her four older sisters to marry men of their own choosing, Fauziya explains how everything went wrong for her when her beloved father died while she was away at boarding school in Ghana as a 16 year old student. Although this is one woman’s story, right from the beginning the backdrop of others’ l...more A harrowing story of one young girl’s journey into womanhood, which reflects the tragedy in the lives of many girls throughout Africa. Covering the unusual freedoms of a family background which allowed her four older sisters to marry men of their own choosing, Fauziya explains how everything went wrong for her when her beloved father died while she was away at boarding school in Ghana as a 16 year old student. Although this is one woman’s story, right from the beginning the backdrop of others’ lives gives a full sense of the effort it takes to live one’s own freedom. Especially for a woman.

By contrasting the choices her own parents made against the traditions of many in the tribal society in which they grew up , we are introduced to prevailing attitudes and traditions with a little distance. Then gradually as the tale unfolds we gain deeper insights into the variety of ways in which such traditions oppress the people who come to believe in perpetuating them.

The strangest part of this story is how long it takes the Fauziya herself to understand just what it was her mother and sister were working so hard to save her from. In a sense all she knows in her own mind, is that she doesn’t want to marry a man as old as her father. Especially one who already has three other wives. The veil of silence around practices of female circumcision is such that she cannot comprehend what she knows others fear on her behalf. She only knows that some have died. And she knows the cultural reticence to speak of private things.

For the changes Fauziya’s parents have made in their lives, they still retain many traditions in family relationships and respect the laws of inheritance. Her father’s death means her uncle and aunt, with their more oppressive traditions, become her legal guardian, and the owners of her family home. They evict her mother while Fauziya and her younger brother are away at school, refuse to let her return to her studies, and arrange her marriage. The tension between respect and freedom for this teenager are also mixed with the different expectations she grew up with in her own family, which make it hard for her to recognise there is no choice in the picture of her life being ‘offered’ to her. there is only the recognition that, if she chooses it freely it will be easier for all concerned. She does not agree.

As I read these passages I wondered how many Western women would be able to associate their own experiences with this tension between obedience and the subtleties of family persuasion. Personally I have felt similar expectations of loyalty to my own mother’s attitudes about certain choices I have made in my life. They have not been as all encompassing in the society around me as they were for these West African societies. But in their own way they have bee4n as subtle and unquestionable.

It is the very silence around these subjects which makes it so difficult to act beyond the behaviours of others. It is as if you cannot possibly do what you are limited to think about. What you cannot put into words, cannot be put into action.

Strangely I feel there is a connection here between such traditions and the behavioural choices of my teenage daughter’s generation with their propensity for tattoos and body piercings. And yet I find it difficult to speak to her of these things.
But my daughter has choice about these things. Many African women do not. In fact, the women themselves seem to be the ones who perpetuate these traditions onto their own daughters. And it is not just some form of body decoration. It goes to the very core of what it means to be a woman.

When Fauziya is lead away from her own marriage by her oldest sister – the only one who can do this because of her seniority in the family – she is given money from her mother’s inheritance and instructions which get her to Germany. During her two months there she is lucky enough to find a kind woman who puts her up, and another African who suggests she seek asylum in America. But rather than finding freedom in America, she goes through a gruelling confrontation with the legal system which denies her arrival in the land of the free. Mostly this book outlines the processes and procedures involved in this long ordeal. And especially the point at which it shifts from being the story of one young woman to being the test case for many others like her who are also fleeing their own countries for their own health, safety and their very lives.

At times as I read these thick volume I was reminded of the story of Lindy Chamberlain, who was charged with the murder of her own baby daughter who she claimed was taken from the family tent by a dingo while they were camping at Ayers Rock in Central Australia. There are two main reasons for this. The deep religious conviction of a little understood faith, and the prejudices against women in defining their own relationships within the world. And of course the gradual understanding which comes through the emersion in legal processes and learning how to make one’s case within that framework.

There are many layers of experience, and of issues, within the story Fauziya shares with us here. and though one might have hoped that decisions made in her case and the media attention it brought back in 1996 would have gone a long way toward ending the mutilation of young children in the name of tradition, the reality is that even in 2012 FMG is being practiced in western countries where immigrants have imported their traditions, and not necessarily managed to gain asylum away from their more oppressive homelands. while progress has been made, it is not all over yet. Reading this landmark case gives great insight into how and why these practices persist. And we do need to find ways to talk about ‘the unpleasant things’. sharing this book with your reading group would be a good start.
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Oct 18, 2011 Patti rated it 4 of 5 stars

It took me a while to get throught his book. Fauziya is very detailed about her journey, not leaving out details about her traumatic experience, even giving detailed background stories about her legal representation.

One of the most striking things about this book is that Fauziya is about the same age as me, so I kept thinking about what I was doing when she was going through everything. On the Travel Channel, you can watch shows about being "Locked up Abroad" which show the horrible conditions i...more

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Jan 09, 2010 Dana rated it 5 of 5 stars

Fauziya Kassindja grew up in Togo, Africa in a privileged setting. Her father did not believe in the tribal practices of polygamy and Female Genital Mutilation (FMG). Fauziya's father died suddenly and she was pulled out of school and put into an arranged marriage as a fourth wife and then told to prepare herself for FMG.

Kassindja's sister went against her own husband to save her sister and help her to escape the country. But escape to what?

Kassindja ended up going the the US and applying for as...more

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Aug 22, 2012 Chelsea rated it 4 of 5 stars

I read this book several years ago and was reminded of it when I read "Little Bee" by Chris Cleave. It is the amazing and sad story of the first woman to seek political asylum in the USA to avoid female circumcision in her native land o Togo. It will make you sad, angry at the system, and have you rejoicing in the power and courage of the human spirit by the end. A powerful read for anyone.

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Jul 29, 2012 Jan rated it 5 of 5 stars

An excellent, thought-provoking read - the story of Fauziya Kassindja and her flee from Togo to escape forced polygamous marriage and female genital mutilation. She was the first case of Layli Miller Bashir, who founded the Tahirih Justice Center for immigrant women fleeing gender-related violence. Heartened by the goodwill and love shown by complete strangers to this young refugee, and immensely saddened by the heartlessness and even cruelty of the system and some of those who work within it, I...more

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Mar 03, 2010 Susan rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Jen & Tiffany

Recommended to Susan by: I read about in on Amazon.com

Shelves: memoir-biography-autobiography, 2010-reads, non-fiction

This is the true story of an African girl, Fauziya Kassindja, who sought asylum in America to escape FGM (female genital mutilation) and an arranged marriage to a man 30 years her senior. Her family were devout Muslims, but her parents were more traditional and opposed FGM. Because her father was well-to-do he was able to protect Fauziya and her sisters from this practice. When her father died, Fauziya, who was only 17, was put on an airplane and sent to Germany to escape. She had only a suitcas...more

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Mar 20, 2013 J rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2013, avid-reader-recommendations

(FROM JACKET)For Fauziya Kassindja, an idyllic childhood in Togo, West Africa, sheltered from the tribal practices of polygamy and genital mutilation, ended with her beloved father's sudden death. Forced into an arranged marriage at age seventeen, Fauziya was told to prepare for "kakia", the ritual also known as female genital mutilation. It is a ritual no woman can refuse. But Fauziya dared to try.

This is her story-told in her own words-of fleeing Africa just hours before the ritual "kakia" was...more

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Dec 07, 2008 taaza rated it 5 of 5 stars

I was really blown away by this book - in fact, I think it is one of the best, if not the best - that I have read yet this year. An African girl of 17 years of age tries to get political asylum to escape "kakia" or FGM as she flees Togo by way of Germany and then the U.S. This was a painful but incredible description of her ordeal in prison and finally the legal difficulties endured as her legal team worked day and night trying to get asylum granted. Fascinating and absorbing, a must-read for wo...more

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Dec 15, 2008 Julie Suzanne rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: auto-bio-memoir, abuse

Fauziya courageously escapes the horrible fate that awaits her--a prison constructed by culture and tradition. She hopefully seeks political asylum in the U.S., and her nightmare actually begins as she's bound in a prison of steel, brutality, and bureaucracy. I read this candid autobiographical story in one night, and I'm not a speed reader! It's suspenseful, depressing, and thought-provoking. Fauziya has a lot to show us about culture, human rights, the nonsensical & hypocritical politics...more

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Jul 25, 2012 Victoria Law rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: prison-reading, book-by-writer-of-color

This is a first-hand account of what happens inside the women's section of an immigrant detention center (or the sections of a state prison or local jail that receive money from the INS to cage immigrants). The account is clearly written and the descriptions are horrifying. Either Kassindja or the person who helped her write the book also included facts and stats that put some of these horrifying realities into the context of racism (e.g. Kassindja had assumed that, because all of the immigrants...more This is a first-hand account of what happens inside the women's section of an immigrant detention center (or the sections of a state prison or local jail that receive money from the INS to cage immigrants). The account is clearly written and the descriptions are horrifying. Either Kassindja or the person who helped her write the book also included facts and stats that put some of these horrifying realities into the context of racism (e.g. Kassindja had assumed that, because all of the immigrants around her are people of color, Whites do not have immigration issues. However, she (or her co-author) notes that, in reality, White immigrants facing deportation hearings or asylum proceedings are far more likely to be allowed to stay *outside* of prison while awaiting their hearings) and profit (e.g. the INS, in the mid-1990s, paid app $50 a day per person to the jails/prisons that agreed to cage them).

What bothered me (enough to take 2 stars off the book) is how the book falls into the binary of "good immigrants" and "bad criminals," as if women who have broken the law are somehow deserving of all the inhumanities and atrocities. While the book doesn't explicitly state that, it does give that general feeling, esp when Kassindja describes being housed with non-immigrant "convict" women. I understand that, at the time, she was frightened and probably bought all of the myths about women in prison, but given that someone (Kassindja or her co-author or her editor) took the time to put the farce of immigrant detention policies into context, I wish that that person (or those persons) had also added some facts in about the reality of women who end up in prison (i.e. they don't all smash chairs into each others' heads and they are not all scary monsters). For example, Kassindja was frightened when placed in a cell with a non-immigrant woman who had been convicted and sentenced to prison. The woman was a chain smoker, but when Kassindja, whose asthma got worse when around cigarette smoke, timidly asked her not to smoke in their shared cell, the woman agreed not to. But nowhere in that part of the book--or after--do any of the writers point out that, contrary to popular tv shows, women who end up in prison are not any more unreasonable, scary, violent, etc., than most of the women who never set foot inside a prison. (As someone who has worked with women currently in prison and women who have been released from prison for over a decade, I can attest to this.)

I also found the last chapters, which outlined the media exposure strategy that Kassindja's legal team used, very interesting and helpful, especially the lesson (not explicitly stated) that one can't rely on the government to do the right thing, but that public opinion and media exposure can shame them into doing so. (It did make me wonder though just how much more public opinion & media exposure would be needed today since all of the atrocities that Kassindja endured while in prison still exist today)(less)

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Jan 17, 2012 Ruby rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Absolutely everyone

This book should absolutely be required reading in the western world. Absolutely appalling that immigrants are treated as criminals (and worse because under US law they officially have no rights). This is a devestating story, and I'm glad that Kassindja had the strength to tell it. I want to buy several copies of this book and hand them out to people.

One of the most striking statistics in the book was how 50% of illegal immigrants that come to the US are from caucasian countries (such as Poland...more

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Jan 03, 2013 Evelyn rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

An incredible story of courage. Fauziya, fifth daughter of a wealthy and influential family in Togo found her life changed after the death of her father. Kakia (female genital mutilation) is practiced in Togo but her older sisters had been protected from it because of her father. When he died, she lost her protection and the authority in the family when to his sister who had never approved of Fauziya's mother. The aunt sent Fauziya's mother away and arranged a marriage for Fauziya to an older ma...more

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Feb 25, 2012 Carol rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book is the story of Fauziya Kassindja, a woman from Togo who fled to the United States to seek asylum.
The first part of the book describes Fauziya's life in Togo as part of a large loving devoutly Muslim family. She is especially attached to her Dad. Her parents are both forward thinkers and did not choose to have any of their five daughters face kakia or female genital mutilation. They also permitted their daughters to choose their own husbands and marry for love. In Togo marriages are...more This book is the story of Fauziya Kassindja, a woman from Togo who fled to the United States to seek asylum.
The first part of the book describes Fauziya's life in Togo as part of a large loving devoutly Muslim family. She is especially attached to her Dad. Her parents are both forward thinkers and did not choose to have any of their five daughters face kakia or female genital mutilation. They also permitted their daughters to choose their own husbands and marry for love. In Togo marriages are often arranged by the family and a man may marry up to four women. This was socially acceptable in their family tribes but since Kassinja's father was a wealthy man he chose a different lifestyle for his daughters. Education was very important to her Dad and Fauziya was the youngest of the sisters. She was attending boarding school in Ghana when her Dad died. According to tribal tradition her uncle took charge of Fauziya's life and her father's home and fortune. Since her uncle and aunt had never liked Fauziya's mother they told her she was no longer welcome in her home and sent her away. Upon Fauziya's return from school for the summer she was informed by her relatives that she was not going to be allowed to return to school as it was a waste of money. She was also informed that a marriage had been arranged for her with a man who was twenty years her senior and she was to become his fourth wife. And oh by the way he wanted her to be cut(undergo kakia) before consuming the marriage. Fauziya was incredibly distressed and with the aid of her oldest sister and with money sent by her mother she left Togo and flew to Germany where her uncle could not find her.
Fauziya knew no one in Germany but met a stranger at the airport who took her home and befriended her. In the time she spent in Germany Fauziya also met a man from Africa who told her she should seek asylum in the United States. He provided her with a passport which enabled her to leave Germany and fly to the U.S.
So here in the land of the free is where Fauziya's nightmare began. And this is the heart of the book for me. Of course I feel that forced female genital mutilation is a horrendous act and that forced marriage to a horny old man with three other wives is unconscionable but what occurred to Fauziya in the United States is beyond the scope of imagination. She was placed in four different prisons and did you know that illegal immigrants have no rights? no privacy? horrendous food, a joke of a medical system and face constant guard brutality? Hey guys there is something wrong with this picture! She was placed in prison with murderers, had to face the fallout from a prison riot and was never shown the respect that every human being deserves. Fortunately she had a group of lawyers who were working to set her free and to set a precedent for other women seeking asylum. Her appeal for asylum was denied by a judge who had not read any of the briefs about her case. She was denied bail by another judge pending the appeal of her case. She became physically very ill and also very depressed. She had loving friends in the prisons who were fellow immigrants awaiting deportation. She had caring lawyers and a cousin who all cared about her but the INS system put unbelievable roadblocks in the way. Her lawyers were able to get the press involved and her story became well known. So maybe she was released because of the press and publicity about her case and contacts to influential folks who recognized the criminality of how she had been treated.
Realizing this book was written in 1998 makes one wonder if there might have been a different ending for this strong Muslim woman today post 9-11. Fortunately for all of us who care about women's rights and humanity to others Fauziya's story had a happy ending. She was released on parole and granted asylum. But what scars she probably still today carries from her inhumane treatment here in the United States! I believe that she was able to survive because of her strong belief in the Muslim faith and in God and because of the love which was there for her from her friends in the prison.

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Jan 21, 2011 Caroline Alicia rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: people curious about INS

Shelves: africa, women-womens-rights, human-rights, jan2011

For some reason,Fauziya's story wasn't resonating with me once she got to America. Hate to sound like coldblooded scumbag. I just found myself frustrated with her. She call yell at her distant cousin and lawyers over the phone, but she finally gets her hearing and she acts like she's a deaf mute or something? I can totally see her POV but I can understand why her story sounded incredulous as well. I think the major thing that bothered me is how Ok some people are with being ignorant on the facts...more

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Jul 07, 2010 Janaya rated it 5 of 5 stars

It's about a young 18 year old who suffers in her effort to escape female genital mutilation, tribal law, and then the horrible American justice system (whose policies regarding "illegal" immigrants are so ambiguous and in need of revision that it's ridiculous). Not only is this story about great adversity, and the strength of hope, it's about incredible, unbreakable faith and the love of God.
I loved it! It's long, but I read it in less than a week. It's a novel that makes you want to go back an...more

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Dec 06, 2007 Cassandra rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: anybody who loves a good ending

I bought this book from Luga Airport in Malta on my European trip because it was one of the cheapest on the shelf,I needed something to fill my time and stick to my budget! I opened the book to find one of the most amazing stories I've ever read. The courage of this girl from the small African nation of Togo is truly inspiring and makes you value your own fortunate life.
Fleeing from female genital mutliation and an arranged marriage to a man twice her age and with three wives already living with...more

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Feb 04, 2011 Dodie rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Recommended to Dodie by: Elly

I didn't find this a particularly well written book but that seems irrelevant when you think about what the book is actually about. Anyone who buys into the fear and propaganda politicians and the media try to instil in us about 'boat people' and 'illegal immigrants' should read this.

A true story about a woman who flees Africa because of polygamy and genital mutilation only to find that the way she's treated in the US by their government is a hundred times worse than what she was running away fr...more

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Oct 20, 2012 Tiffany rated it 4 of 5 stars

I personally was more interested in her personal journey and life in Togo, and the book spent more time focusing on the broken legal & INS systems of the US so had I been prepared for that and expecting it, I would have given it a five. Very interesting, heartwrenching, and eye-opening account to consider putting yourself in someone else's shoes as you contemplate their journey into becoming an "illegal immigrant." (please note the quotes).

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Apr 29, 2012 Katrina rated it 5 of 5 stars

An AMAZING gut-wrenching story, I could not put it down and I couldn't stop crying. I really felt for this girl, as if I had gone through it with her. Its always eye-opening and earth-shattering to hear how common her trials and tribulations are. I'm sure a lot of women have been through times of oppression or feeling trapped or forgotten by society; everything she goes through and how strong she was from beginning to end is truly inspiring

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Dec 22, 2011 Eliane L rated it 3 of 5 stars

The autobiography of Fauziya Kassindja, the first woman to successfully be granted asylum in the US on the basis of gender-based persecution. Kassindja tells her story of fleeing forced FGC and polygamous marriage in Togo, only to be imprisoned in disastrous conditions in the US for sixteen months before finally being freed in a landmark decision. The writing is simple and non-literary, but the story remains poignant.

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Jan 16, 2009 Lynda rated it 3 of 5 stars

It has been quite some time since I read this book but I still recall the force of how it impacted me. More than anything else on the topic of female genital mutilation that I've read this one made me reconsider the political implication as well as the horrific personal consequences of the practice. The writing could be better, but the story definitely held my attention and informed me in some important ways.

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Feb 20, 2009 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars

I started out this book wondering how they were going to fill 500 pages with this young woman's story. But, she writes going back through her childhood, explaining her country (Togo), customs, culture, and faith. It's a very important piece to understanding her story, as well as how it impacts her process of seeking asylum in the US. This is a good glimpse into the asylum process in the US and how it has developed; all told through her story. I was quite surprised to find out that it wasn't unti...more

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Aug 11, 2011 Violet Crush rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: i-own, fav-s, favorites

I picked this book up because it was about an African girl and honestly I did not expect much from it, mostly because I had never heard of this book before. I ended up loving this book. It's about a young girl who runs from her home and ends up in America as an illegal immigrant. The story follows her struggle to stay in a foreign country and make them understand the difficulties and the dangers she would face if she is sent home. She also spends some time in the refuge prison.

Turns out this was...more

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Feb 03, 2013 Amanda rated it 5 of 5 stars

As I was reading Fauziya's account of her desperate fight for freedom, I kept wondering how different our country's or the world's response might be if millions of young boys were forcibly castrated as part of their tribal and cultural rituals. Would the world look blindly upon them and dismiss their cries as it does to powerless girls and women? Doubtful!

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Oct 11, 2011 Jennifer rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is an amazing story of a young woman is is thrust into the U.S. immigration system. She comes from Africa in hopes of beig granted asylum without knowing that she will have to overcome mutiple obstacles before she can win her case. This book is the reason I realized I was interested in knowing more about immigration & asylum law. & it is a quick read.

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Feb 28, 2011 Tisha Carter rated it 5 of 5 stars

I thought that this book was wondrful! Poor Fauziya, she thought that escaping her country and tribal laws and tradition to come to America, land of the free would be safer for her only to find out that it's not what it seems. But at the end she learns that her personal experience is not what the real America is all about and that there is good people in this country who were willing to sacrafice for her true freedom.

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Aug 26, 2012 Michele Duncan rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book will certainly make you ANGRY! Although there are perfectly legitimate reasons why we as a country need to be concerned about illegal immigration, but when we forget (or decide not) to provide even the basics of human rights, it is time to re-evaluate. Although some reviews claimed this book was too long, I disagree completely. Is it long? Yes, but the length of the book helps to paint a picture of the endless days and nights Fauziya spent in American prison, stripped of her dignity, h...more

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Apr 23, 2009 Terry rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, memoir

Just finished the excellent "The Visitor" (definitely an Oscar-worthy performance by Richard Jenkins. I may or may not have fallen a wee bit in love.), which reminded me of this excellent--though upsetting and enraging--book. Worth a read, certainly. I can only hope the changing of administrations in Washington will make these stories... stop.

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