Rate this book

Clear rating

1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

3.99 of 5 stars 3.99 · rating details · 437 ratings · 67 reviews

An insightful and eloquent guide for parents who wish to raise their children with unconditional love, and empower them to be self-reliant, expressive, caring and able to form close human connections.

About the Author:
Naomi Aldort is a parenting and family counselor, writer and public speaker with clients on three continents. Her advice columns appear in parenting magazine

...more

Paperback, 280 pages

Published January 1st 2006 by Book Publishers Network

more details... edit details

Get a copy:

More…

Friend Reviews

To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up.

Lists with This Book

What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber

Most Influential Parenting Books

29th out of 196 books — 255 voters

Year of Little Lesson Plans by Courtney Loquasto

The New Strong-Willed Child by James C. Dobson

The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

The Rhythm of Family by Amanda Blake Soule

Top Books for Christian Mothers of Boys

27th out of 104 books — 11 voters

More lists with this book...

Community Reviews

(showing 1-30 of 1,173)

filter | sort: default (?) | rating details

Mar 26, 2012 Nicole rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

So far it's all right. I think it has a lot of valid points regarding not shutting kids down. She promotes letting kids express themselves, and validating their emotions instead of getting caught up in your own reaction. I think it's a complicated relationship... you don't want to create combative situations with children, but you also want them to do things like eat their dinner... I'm confused.

----Finished reading---

I'm passing it on to my sister, who is rethinking her parenting strategy in te...more So far it's all right. I think it has a lot of valid points regarding not shutting kids down. She promotes letting kids express themselves, and validating their emotions instead of getting caught up in your own reaction. I think it's a complicated relationship... you don't want to create combative situations with children, but you also want them to do things like eat their dinner... I'm confused.

----Finished reading---

I'm passing it on to my sister, who is rethinking her parenting strategy in terms of controlling behaviours. I'll be curious what she has to say about the book as it will be less theoretical for her (she has a son).

In general, I found the book to be pretty great. There are so many valid points about raising autonomous children who don't act out of guilt, but love.

I agree with most of her points about respecting the desires of children, and about being there for them... but it would really require a stay-at-home parent.

I really enjoy her S.A.L.V.E. technique in that it focuses on listening to the child and acknowledging their feelings instead of telling them that things are 'okay'. She puts a lot of emphasis on a child's ability to work through stress/difficulty, and the importance of that. We are not here to deny feelings by telling them that things are okay, or to fix problems for them. We need to be raising autonomous individuals who can recognize that a difficult situation is not the end of the world.

The one sticking point me, is the idea that a child does not have to clean up their own mess. I understand the point of power play, making a game out of a situation where a child keeps throwing the lego all over the floor (it's important for them to feel powerful sometimes, and it's better for that to happen in the home rather than out of it). However, she suggests that we should just state our feelings, "I feel upset that the milk is all over the floor. I'd love if you'd help me clean it up." If the child says no, we are supposed to respect that. She feels that we wouldn't want the child to help us out of guilt, but to approach cleaning from a loving place. She suggests that cleaning out of guilt would create an unhealthy connection with cleaning, and a feeling of shame/unsafeness around the parent.

In the end, I understand where she's coming from, I just don't know that I'd be okay with letting a child say no to cleaning up their own mess (dependent on age, of course).(less)

3 likes · like · see review

Apr 30, 2012 Heather rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really wanted to like this book, since it came so highly recommended by many of my friends and is considered a classic on noncoercive parenting that is right up[ there with Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. I was thrilled when a copy became available at the library before funds became availavble for me to purchase my own.

Aldort's writing style did not appeal to me as much as Kohn's; there were far fewer 'Ah HA!" moments and it reminded me more of the Secret than Kohn's subtle humour that...more

like · see review

Apr 08, 2013 Denise Avitia rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

i read this book when i was fairly new to parenting and fairly new to the attachment style in particular. i was really struggling with staying positive and focusing on my child's needs when they contradicted my own (often)...issues of dependence, independence, etc. all surfacing from my own childhood while simultaneously trying to figure out how to be a parent. i remember feeling like this book had some real wisdom but that i just wasn't quite there (or couldn't quite agree to all of it). i'd li...more

like · see review

Feb 11, 2012 Stephanie rated it 4 of 5 stars

Naomi Aldort's parenting advice in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is for everyone who seeks to authentically show their children how much they love them by treating them with dignity and respect. Most useful to me is Aldort's "S.A.L.V.E." formula, which is a method of communication with your child (really, I think it would be useful in any relationship) wherein you do the following:
S = Separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-Talk. The key idea here i...more Naomi Aldort's parenting advice in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is for everyone who seeks to authentically show their children how much they love them by treating them with dignity and respect. Most useful to me is Aldort's "S.A.L.V.E." formula, which is a method of communication with your child (really, I think it would be useful in any relationship) wherein you do the following:
S = Separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-Talk. The key idea here is to think before you act.
A = Turn you Attention to your child.
L = Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating.
V = Validate your child's feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.
E = Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. I, however, would find it more useful to Empower your child to resolve his own upset by Exploring the options for resolve together.
I have been using this formula with my 3 year old, and it really helps me to be more patient and more loving in situations where I might otherwise overreact and thereby induce fear and diminished self-worth in my child; conversely, trust and self-confidence are increased when I react in this manner.

Adolrt further expounds on the S.A.L.V.E. formula as she discusses the five primary needs of children: love, self-expression, emotional safety, autonomy and power, and self-confidence. I find her many examples used throughout the book helpful illustrations of interactions between parent and child.

Two criticisms of this book: 1. Some ideas Aldort proposes are unrealistic, but that's okay because I would be a fool to live by any parenting book, and 2. Aldort places so much blame on parents for children turning out negatively, yet the entire premise of the book is to not control or manipulate children, so if you cannot control them, then you certainly cannot control how they turn out as adults. However, I love the premise of not controlling children but treating them as an individuals of great worth--that concept falls right in line with my religious beliefs in agency and the worth of souls. Overall, this is a very useful parenting book that I will likely read again.(less)

2 likes · like · see review

Aug 20, 2012 Εφη rated it 2 of 5 stars

This book has a lot of valid points. Its a good read, but not to be taken seriously...

I think any parent should take time with their kids instead of reading "how-to-raise-your-child" books.

Take a walk at the park, its much more valuable.

We are a generation grown up with tecnology, and used to "how-to" books an manual. We are a generation of parents who want to make everythig "perfect" for aour children.

Well, its time to accept the fact - there is no "manual" about raising a child. No one has to...more

like · see review

Jul 29, 2011 Katie rated it 1 of 5 stars

I read this back when my oldest was very young and it seemed chock full of hurtful ideology that made the mother nothing but a guilt-riddled self-denying martyr and the child a slave to his or her own whims. I put it aside, cringing a little at her harsh tone. Then recently a friend informed me that Aldort had falsified her credentials and was a fraud. There's a lot more information on this blog:

It's a three part investigative series that proves without a doubt that Naomi Aldort has deliberately ...more

4 likes · like · see review

Jul 01, 2012 Morgan Djuna Sorais Guion rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction, education

I read this after listening to the five disk collection of Aldort's lectures. The book is a great summary of Aldort's ideas and perspective on parenting. I really like everything she said about healing your own wounds from childhood first. I also like her ideas on childproofing your house and life instead of keeping temptations at easy reach. (For example not keeping sugar in the house at all if you don't want your child to have it). It is a very radical approach to parenting that will work for...more

like · see review

May 06, 2008 Kate rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, parenting

So helpful for helping our children--and ourselves--handle our emotions.

3 likes · like · see review

Feb 10, 2013 Paula rated it 4 of 5 stars

Based on the principles of attachment parenting this book may be challenging for some parents - but there are good lessons and strategies to be taken from Aldort's book. My hope is that parents are willing to "raise themselves" and become aware of their own limitations and projections which hinder their ability to raise a self-connected child. Few adults have been parented in the way Aldort sets out in this book. It holds promise for those seeking a different paradigm in which to raise their own...more

1 like · like · see review

May 19, 2012 Lindsey Jane rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting-books, books-i-own

In reading parenting books, you rarely find one you'll agree with 100%. The trick really is to take the good and leave the bad. The book is a good book if the good outweighs the bad. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves did contain quite a bit of good. However, it also contained, in my opinion, an awful lot of bad.

I'll start with the good this book had to offer. It is true that far too many people do not view children as people. Our society tends to place them somewhere around a well loved pe...more In reading parenting books, you rarely find one you'll agree with 100%. The trick really is to take the good and leave the bad. The book is a good book if the good outweighs the bad. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves did contain quite a bit of good. However, it also contained, in my opinion, an awful lot of bad.

I'll start with the good this book had to offer. It is true that far too many people do not view children as people. Our society tends to place them somewhere around a well loved pet, not a fully formed person. For some reason, the trend has remained that magically at 18 a child becomes a person, capable of having their own opinions only at that magic point. However, that isn't as it should be. This book offers great perspective on treating children as persons, equal persons. Considering their needs and desires as you would the needs and desires of any other person in your life. I wish that message could be sung from the rooftops. Respect children! Treat them like people!

"Many small events... don't require solutions even if the child reacts with tears or rage." (p.100) What a great point! I don't have to rescue my child simply because they are upset. If I'm there, that is all that the child needs. It is not my job, place, or duty to "fix" everything for my child, even if they react negatively. I think that many parents fail to see the value in letting a child be mad and not trying to "fix" them being mad. This book was great at pointing out that children should be free to express all emotion, even negative emotion, and there isn't something you need to do in letting them express their emotions other than simply listen. "We cannot stop the rain for out children and it wouldn't be good for them if we could." (p.145)

I also found many of her communication techniques to work wonders. Simply listening and validating my children has been a big game changer around here. I am listening, I am there for them, but their feelings are their own. I feel that they've been owning their lives more and relying on me a bit less to provide them their happiness or solutions to their negative emotional state. I've noticed a particularly evident change in my older daughter (she's 6) that she feels more "at home" expressing herself these days, good or bad, and she doesn't blame others for her feelings so much. She's also gotten much better at her problem solving skills since I'm not jumping in with suggestions every time she encounters another child who doesn't want to play with her or some other disappointment.

So, there is a great amount of good that can come from this book if you have the particular ability to take the good and leave the bad. If you are one that fixates on what is wrong with a book, then this may not be the book for you.

Most of the personal stories given in the book seem outright fake. The interactions between parent and child or counselor and parent just don't feel real to me. Perhaps much was condensed so that the point was easily displayed, but the stories just didn't sit right with me.

I often felt Naomi Aldort went too far. That she had a good point and I was with her, until she went too much to the extreme and threw the point off a cliff. It seemed many of her points went from me nodding in agreement to saying, "Whoa Naomi! Too far. Too far!" I feel like I took her basic points and then had to throw the rest out of my head.

I felt like she was asking the impossible at times. I get that "power games" (where a child empties the garbage over and over while you pick it up while play acting that is is a big deal, but not trying to stop the child) can be a good tool for kids who are feeling a bit helpless, I just don't have the time or the energy to play anytime my kids says to. I cannot possibly come up with the energy to chase my 3 year old around every evening at bedtime so he can feel powerful. Often I just don't have the time for a game of throw the sippy cup on the floor. There were multiple point like that that could make a parent feel like a big, fat failure because they just can't do that today or right now.

Dr. Aldort and I also disagree on expectations. I know that my living room being relatively clean is my goal. Dr. Aldort feels that as such, it is my responsibility to keep it that way and should my child trash it, I can verbalize my wish that it be clean, but I cannot expect them to help clean it. In my world, family just doesn't work that way. We all have to pitch in and do what helps the whole. There are many goals that my children have that I help meet. Likewise, I expect their participation and cooperation with some of my goals. I don't expect them to steam clean the carpet or keep all the toys on the shelves at all times. I do expect that they pick up their own things when they are done with them and that they pitch in on family cleaning day for the good of all. Mom is not a slave. Community works when everyone works for all, not just when they personally see benefit.

I was also very confused when Dr. Aldort told me I should not praise my children. She seems to believe scolding nor praise should take place. Everything should be matter of fact and avoid trying to steer them on way or another. I want praise when I accomplish difficult things. I anticipate my children wanting the same. I think this is just one instance of Dr. Aldort throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Some people use praise to coerce their children toward certain things. So, no one should praise their children. I think that is very short sighted. I think praising a child in the things the child is proud of or does well is a good thing. And I can't imagine stopping myself from telling my daughter the picture she spent hours making is lovely because I don't want my daughter to think I only want her making such pictures. That's just silly.

So, if you can leave the bad and take the good, read this book- it will do you good. If you are one that fixates on the bad- avoid this book, you'll hate it. If you are a slightly insecure sort of parent who easily feels they fall short of expectations- avoid this book, it'll make you feel worse. If you can read her expectations and feel they are silly and not feel personally assaulted- the good in this book could outweigh the bad for you.(less)

2 likes · like · see review

Jan 22, 2011 Chris W rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction

Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is a must-read for any parent. The thrust of the book is that children deserve the same respect and understanding that we give to adults. But then it's jam-packed with information on how to do that, even when everything looks absolutely hopeless. And with real-world examples that show just how well that respect actually works, it's easy to see why giving your children this respect works so much better in the long run than the disciplinarian...more Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is a must-read for any parent. The thrust of the book is that children deserve the same respect and understanding that we give to adults. But then it's jam-packed with information on how to do that, even when everything looks absolutely hopeless. And with real-world examples that show just how well that respect actually works, it's easy to see why giving your children this respect works so much better in the long run than the disciplinarian and controlling parenting that me and most of my peers grew up with.

Her SALVE formula encompasses just how to treat your children:

Separate yourself from your child's emotions with self-talk. What the hell is self-talk? You know, when your toddler throws the blocks all over the room and your first reaction is, "Damn it! I don't want to clean that up again. Get over there and pick them up!" ... well, you say that to yourself instead of out loud. Acting like that isn't true to your own nature, nor is it the way you really feel about your child.
Attention on your child - once you've let your own emotions pass, put your attention on your child.
Listen to what your child is saying. What he/she is saying might be just as much with body language as it is with words. Why is he acting like that? What made her so upset. Pay attention to what your child is really trying to communicate to you.
Validate your child's feelings. I really learned something in this part - validating feelings is just that. You express that you understand that the child feels the way he/she does. You don't negate the emotion. You don't add to it. You just express that you see that your child feels hurt. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or whatever. It isn't your place to determine whether this is the correct emotion to feel. That takes your child's autonomy away.
Empower your child to work through those emotions by stepping back and getting out of the way. Talk about parenting! It's not up to you to solve her problems or get him out of trouble. Your child has much more capability than you suspect (I've learned this through experience with my own children). If they need help, they'll ask. Otherwise, trust that your child can work it out.

That alone makes this book worth reading. The book covers how to apply that formula to your child and his own special needs.

Another highlight of this book is that Aldort makes the distinction between how you or your child feels with how you really are. Emotions do not make a person. A person is made up of their thoughts and actions, while emotions are fleeting. And in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, you will learn how to keep your emotions from damaging the wonderful parenting skills inherent within you.(less)

1 like · like · see review

Jun 03, 2009 Tanya W rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction

This wasn't a compelling read for me, I admit I got 1/2-2/3 of the way through and ran of renews at the library, I didn't like it enough to want to check it out again to finish.

It was an interesting approach to parenting, in my opinion too child-centered (never say no parenting), and not very realistic. It would probably work better in a small family with 2 children that are a couple of years or so apart. I prefer parenting books that give more concrete ideas for influencing behavior and exampl...more

1 like · like · see review

Jun 15, 2011 dedeh marked it as to-read

baca statusnya mb Ekawati Indriani P di FB: "Saya baru membaca beberapa lembar awal buku ini dan sangat merekomendasikan untuk orang tua yg ingin memiliki kualitas komunikasi yang baik dengan anaknya. Bisa diaplikasikan untuk anak dari usia bayi sampai remaja. It's a TREASURE! Step-by-step guide, bahasanya simple dan sangat bisa untuk dilakukan. Tidak banyak teori, tp bs langsung dipraktekkan. Oh, nyesel banget baru tau kalo ada buku parenting sebagus ini."

kayaknya bagus bgt nih..

like · see review

Dec 01, 2009 K rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: pregnancy-birth-and-parenting

I just reread this. I found it more helpful now that my daughter is older than when I read it previously. It definitely gave me some new ideas about how to deal with my daughter's anger and hatred. However, I still found a lot of the advice unrealistic. I would love to never have to take my daughter on errands when she didn't want to go, drop everything I need to do around the house to attend to her desire for my company, etc..., but I don't know how to balance that with having food available, a...more

3 likes · like · see review

Feb 24, 2010 Cara rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really enjoyed this book. While I did not agree with everything in it, found it thought provoking. It facilitated insights into some of my own parenting behaviors, how my own history effects my reactions to my children, and helped me to feel more choiceful about my parenting choices. I took notes while reading this and am continuing to explore myself and my reactions related to some of the authors discussions. Really, what more can you ask for from a parenting book.

1 like · like · see review

Jul 21, 2008 Ryan Platte rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents who want to grow

I'm still reading through this slowly, a bit at a time. I'm appreciating this hard look at how we respond to our children's behavior.

The key insight seems to be: separate yourself from your child's behavior. There are four other steps in the SALVE formula presented here, but that's the one that gets the most column inches, and certainly it's my starting point in my own parenting.

I don't like all the therapist language and emphases; I think it is condescending and takes away from what could be a...more

like · see review

Sep 07, 2011 Cortney rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

Aldort has some good points and suggestions, but this wouldn't be a parenting book if it didn't come across as a little self-indulgent and heavy handed. I took a lot away from reading it, but much of it seems unrealistic and unfounded. The worst part being, of course, the rather stilted but supposedly real dialogue between parents and kids. It's worth reading, but make the suggestions work for you, don't just take it as a parenting bible.

1 like · like · see review

Jan 27, 2013 Suebee rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting-child

Although I worry about the controversy surrounding Aldort's faked PhD, this book really resonated with me and was a sound companion to Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

I only have an 18 mo. old and 3 mo. old, but I plan to use her SALVE technique - stop your own negative self talk or listen to your own thoughts before reactong to your child, attend to the child, listen, validate, empower

like · see review

Sep 17, 2012 Toni rated it 5 of 5 stars

Right in line with Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, and Neufeld & Mate's Hold Onto Your Kids. This was a book that opened my eyes and has helped me form my stance as a parent. And that stance is one of unconditional love, empathy, and support for my child. A must read!

like · see review

Jul 31, 2012 Kerri is currently reading it

Shelves: non-fiction, personal-classic

I didn't finish this the first time I picked it up because it seemed overwhelming but now, a few years later, I am more than ready - already doing most of the suggestions even! So glad I remembered I own it so I can re-read/finish it now!

like · see review

Jan 24, 2011 Duk rated it 5 of 5 stars

This is one of the parenting books that I will reread every year or so just to remind myself how to be a good parent. This book is really filled with great advice which I couldn't agree more.

2 likes · like · see review

Oct 18, 2011 Sam rated it 4 of 5 stars

Great advice for raising children, great advice for being with people. It's got it's own philosophical approach that not all will agree with, but there is plenty to take away.

like · see review

Dec 11, 2010 Mary rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is an extremely confronting, thought-provoking and doubt-inducing parenting book. If things are going great with your kids and your parenting, don't read it. But if you're in need of an attitude adjustment and a new way of looking at living with kids you might give this a try. It presents a radically different way of living with kids than the conventional wisdom dicatates in regards to discipline, rules, and communicating with kids. I am unable and unwilling to adopt Aldort's view exactly a...more

1 like · like · see review

Oct 09, 2009 Amanda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Probably one of the most important parenting books out there. A must read for parents who want authentic loving relationships with there children.

1 like · like · see review

Apr 17, 2009 Penny added it

This book was amazing and totally changed the way I respond to relationships in my life, be it my husband, children or friends. A wonderful book!

2 likes · like · see review

Oct 13, 2010 Dblazar Lazar rated it 5 of 5 stars

A superbly written book with really great ideas for how to parent. Awesome title says it all. A very good book!!!

like · see review

Sep 07, 2010 Lisa Van Oosterum rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction

This is the single best parenting book I have ever read. Kind of new-age-ish, but that is my style. Life changing.

1 like · like · see review

Feb 25, 2009 Amy is currently reading it

This book is really helpful in understanding how hard it can be for a child to deal with a new sibling.

1 like · like · see review

Jul 13, 2009 Kfooshee rated it 5 of 5 stars

FANTASTIC read for anyone that has a child in their life! Opened my eyes in many ways and encouraged me and also validated a lot of what i have been doing. Discusses Talk that Heals and Connects, Love, Self Expression, Emotional Safety, Autonomy and Power, and Self Confidence. The last sentence of the book says it all...."Support your child's sense of self-worth daily by affirming who she is, by voting "yes" for her direction, and by expressing your love and appreciation authentically. This mean...more

like · see review

Jan 01, 2010 Katie rated it 4 of 5 stars

I would give it 4.5 stars if I could. A much needed book that I have been searching for. I know it will be referenced frequently - well worth the $10 I paid for it and then some!

like · see review

« previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 … 39 40 next »

Non Fiction

19 users

Psychology

3 users

Childrens

3 users

Education

3 users

Self Help

3 users

Teaching

2 users

See top shelves...

Readers also enjoyed similar books

Books by Naomi Aldort

Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves (7 Cd Set)

Babies & Toddlers, To Tame Or To Trust (2 Cd Set)

Raising Competent Children Through Attachment Parenting

Children's Behavior And Emotions: Naomi Aldort

More…

Share This Book

Facebook Twitter Your website

Trivia About Raising Our Child...

No trivia or quizzes yet. Add some now »

title link	preview: Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
avg rating	preview: Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves Goodreads rating: 3.99 (437 ratings)
small image	preview: click here [close]
med image	preview: click here [close]
BBCode	[url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/425540.Raising_Our_Children_Raising_Ourselves?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book][img]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347710911l/425540.jpg[/img][/url] [url=http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/425540.Raising_Our_Children_Raising_Ourselves?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book]Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort[/url]

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Friend Reviews

Lists with This Book

Community Reviews

new topic
Discuss This Book

combine
Other Editions (3)

Genres

Readers also enjoyed similar books

Books by Naomi Aldort

Share This Book

Share This Book on Your Website

Trivia About Raising Our Child...

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Friend Reviews

Lists with This Book

Community Reviews

new topicDiscuss This Book

combineOther Editions (3)

Genres

Readers also enjoyed similar books

Books by Naomi Aldort

Share This Book

Share This Book on Your Website

Trivia About Raising Our Child...

new topic
Discuss This Book

combine
Other Editions (3)