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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

3.90  ·  Rating Details  ·  1,033 Ratings  ·  122 Reviews
In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn i ...more
Trade Paperback, 215 pages
Published August 7th 2003 by Free Press (first published 2002)
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Jun 22, 2007 Kei rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Anyone who has ever crossed paths with a narcissist...they are more prevalent than you think!
The subject matter of this book is very important. Once you come to understand what defines a narcissistic human being you will realize you may have had a boss, coworker, friend, lover or family member that portrays many narcissistic character traits. Nacissists often come off as outgoing and charismatic, however do not be fooled by the web that they weave.

For me, this book helped me to find some understanding and acceptance that I WILL NOT be able to understand why these people act the way the
Maxine  (Booklover Catlady)
A very significant book that will help you identify and know how to deal with the dangerous, selfish, egotistical and toxic narcissists in your life. I read this book many years ago decided to read it again. Most people don't even know how to recognise narcissists or know that the issues in the dynamics of the relationship is not really about them but the narcissist. That's the trick you see, the narcissist makes YOU believe it's your issues, your wrong perceptions, it's crazy making behavior th ...more
Mar 26, 2010 Naomi rated it liked it
"To do the job well, parents and caregivers need to have a realistic sense both of themselves and of the child, to be able to control their own aggressive impulses, and, most of all, to not use the child to meet their own needs" (47).

1. Know Yourself
2. Embrace Reality
3. Set Boundaries
4. Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships

"The issue is not whether someone is good or bad but whether you can deal with that person's particular shortcomings" (72).

"The tendency is to recreate the dramas of o
Found this book to be written more like an upper level textbook for someone already well versed in sociology and psychology. The foreword indicated this was in lay person's terms. I didn't find that to be necessarily true. This book was very short (197 trade paperback pages of info, the rest was index stuff) and each chapter was equally short--sometimes too short. Felt that many chapters left more questions than answers.

The author divided the book into 5 parts:
Part I: The Seven Deadly Sins of
Melanie Kirdasi
Oct 15, 2012 Melanie Kirdasi rated it really liked it
I found the book to be written responsibly more to the layman's understanding with some simplification of the clinical knowledge of how the disorder is developed. This is useful because the writer places emphasis where it should be placed on the failure of proper structure,guidance,and nurturing during the developmental phase of a child and adolescent's life. Because of the pragmatic and direct approach it would allow the reader insight as to which rungs of the ladder are missing,why,and some aw ...more
Mar 13, 2011 Jean rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
All in all, a good read. The title of the Introduction is, "They Are Everywhere!" and narcissists are! In fact we have come to live in a narcistic culture, which means that in some ways narcissiam has come to be regarded as the norm. . . God forbid! The book is divided into five parts; The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, Where Does Narcissim Come From?, Defending Your Self: Survival Strategies for a Narcissictic World, "Special People": The Narcissists in Your Life and Only You Can Prevent Narc ...more
Feb 16, 2012 Muffi rated it it was ok
This book wasn't as helpful to my narcissist problems as The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family because it doesn't have a lot of practical how-to instructions; just a lot of ranting about how awful narcissists are. Duh--that's why I bought the book--I need instruction, not reiteration of the reasons I bought the book.
Apr 19, 2013 Bryan rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Everyone
This is a book I would recommend to everyone. The book is broken up into four parts. Part 1 is the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism and a very good description of each behavior. Part 2 is devoted to the explanation of where Narcissism can come from. Part 3 is tips on how to defend yourself from each of the "sins" and ways to avoid being caught in the narcissist's web. Part 4 (and probably the most useful part) is the "Special People" section where Hotchkiss gives countless examples of narcissism ...more
Feb 25, 2014 Benan rated it liked it  ·  review of another edition
Irvin D. Yalom’un okuduğum 2 kitabından aldığım lezzeti alamasam da bu kitabı okuyarak zaman kaybettiğimi düşünmüyorum. Örnek hikayeleri hem sayıca hem de nitelik olarak çok güçlü bulmadım. Kitabı çok daha iyi anlayabilmek için, öncesinde, en azından psikolojiye giriş anlamında genel çerçeveli bir kitap okumakta fayda var. Ne de olsa pek çok alanda olduğu gibi psikolojide de kullanılan kavramların içinin boşaltılarak ya da kasten çarpıtılarak bizlere sunulması gibi bir tehlike ile karşı karşıyay ...more
This book opens reasonably well in terms of how to recognise narcissistic traits, and that was useful. Part 2 will have you examining your own behaviour for the same traits, particularly if you are reading because you have a narcissistic parent or child you're trying to understand. Be prepared, it may upset and worry you, so ensure you have someone to talk to. Part 3's survival strategies are ok as far as they go but would have benefited from more practical techniques for use "in the moment", an ...more
Dec 14, 2010 Bookchick rated it liked it
I read this a number of years ago when interacting with a coworker who could be quite charming and funny. However, over time, I realized that she was also controlling and self-absorbed to the point of often negating me and my life. When I saw this book, I was finally able to put a name to her behavior. While I don't think that most people have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are, unfortunately, an awful lot of people with narcissistic behaviors, and this book is helpful in re ...more
Nov 11, 2013 Krissy rated it liked it
Shelves: reviewed
A good introduction to narcissism. I liked the parts about how to raise healthy children and examples of what not to do.

The author gives the advice to re-label intrusive words or actions of the narcissist as helpful or caring. I guess I could see how this would work if you 1. Came from a healthy family &have good self esteem 2. Understand that the narcissist is not actually helpful or caring 3. Need a way to cope with keeping this narcissist in your life. But really the take home message is
Oct 30, 2014 Emily rated it it was amazing
Shelves: relationships
Very well written with a balance between understanding and having compassion for someone with narcissistic tendencies and practical, straight forward advice on how to continue a relationship.

Here are my notes:

More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissit comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then , all of the sudden, they may surprise us by reacting t
Aug 12, 2014 ♥Xeni♥ rated it it was amazing
Shelves: ebook, psychology
The type of person with narcissistic tendencies is probably very familiar to all of us. This book first takes a look at what a narcissistic person is; which traits they express. Then where the issues stem from. After that it moves on to strategies of how you can defend yourself from these pervasively negative folks. Next, it focuses on more concrete situations where you might encounter narcissist, and how to emerge from such situations more or less unscathed, and lastly there are preventive mech ...more
Jul 14, 2015 Janice rated it it was ok
Three plus family members are reading this book in hopes of gathering some insight into the behaviors of another family member. I don't know what I was expecting, but "Why Is It Always About You?", seems weak and not particularly helpful. I'm sure Sandy Hotchkiss wrote with good intentions, yet I found no bibliography to support her theories that she presents as fact; specifically, that the primary caregiver, in most cases 'Mother' is to blame for raising a narcissist due to 'Mother's' inconsist ...more
Sep 09, 2014 Sarah rated it really liked it
I went through various emotions when reading this book. First, it was a kind of comfort, because it described very accurately traits i feel like I'm encountering more and more the older I get. There's something comforting about having a name for a phenomenon and also about knowing that I'm not the only one observing it.

Second, it was a kind of unease, as I realized I had symptoms of both an enabler as well as of a narcissist (apparently many have at least a few symptoms of narcissism, but actua
Jacqueline Paulson
Why is it always about you? By Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW

Did you know that Narcissism is a personality disorder? This book is about just that topic. Have you ever been around a person who has an inflated perception of themselves and little regard for others? Inside your head you ask, “Does anyone care about how my day has gone?” This is the Narcissism person many of you have been around and felt like it’s better not to “rock the boat”, but in reality you want to express your feelings but nothing see
Mead Z
May 26, 2014 Mead Z rated it really liked it
This book looks somewhat compassionately and objectively at both healthy and unhealthy narcissism. The author explores what causes cycles of narcism in human development, cultures, work places and families that we can all relate to. Since it seems to be a growing trait in our culture, it seems to help you know how to recognize and avoid being swept away in the pattern. It makes me want to learn more about impacts of various kinds of raising children through history and around the world. It is th ...more
Apr 12, 2016 HuggablySoft rated it really liked it
Having had close contact with a narcissist through most of my life, this book was very helpful in understanding that person's motivations. If you've ever wondered why someone close to you is always stepping on your feelings or doesn't seem to ever "see you" this book may help you understand what is going on.

However, as I read the book, I couldn't help but feel a real bitterness in the tone of the author. It's my guess she was deeply hurt by one or more narcissists in her life and she couldn't mi
Norlinah Salamat
Jan 15, 2016 Norlinah Salamat rated it really liked it
"Intuitively, we recognise that we need secure parameters in order to function effectively, yet we routinely ignore boundaries or view them as obstacles to be overcome. Science has allowed us to defy gravity, transcend time and space, slow aging, cheat death, and even create life. We have been seduced into believing that there should be no limits, yet without them there is chaos and unreality. The current recipe for innovation involves "thinking outside the box," and a modern cowboy who defies t ...more
Alicia Boekhorst
Nov 05, 2014 Alicia Boekhorst rated it it was amazing
This book opened my eyes. A man who cares only for himself can never show true compassion, empathy, or love if he is not the focus of those around him. I have had the sad luck to have known, fallen for, and loved this man. It is sad people like this exists, but even sadder is that I didn't see it from the beginning.
Dec 31, 2015 Emily rated it liked it
I have a dear friend who is currently struggling with ending a narcissistic marriage. I picked this up with the idea of providing support to her and her teenage daughter, who have been hurt by years of up close and personal narcissistic damage. It was an interesting experience, but it seems many of the examples were really too broad, rather giving the idea that you have to walk the thinnest of lines to avoid creating little narcissistic demon children. Too much attention, too little, too much sh ...more
interesting; read it and you will recognize the people you have encountered in your life who are narcissists.
Apr 01, 2010 April rated it liked it
A good book about narcissism and what it is and how to avoid them that have it. :)
Dec 07, 2014 Sarah rated it it was amazing
I found a squashed bug in this book.

How appropriate.
Feb 21, 2009 Michelle rated it it was ok
Shelves: read-in-2009
Not particularly helpful or insightful.
Lucie Bowers
Feb 03, 2013 Lucie Bowers rated it it was amazing
Very insightful..
I've had one college course on Psychology, and can say, this book was easy to understand with limited experise in this area.

The first section focuses on the "7 Deadly Sins" of Narcissism and defines them with a simply overview. It's easy to discern what qualifies under each, and I found myself grouping people I know (including myself in some cases) into each heading. The book goes on to explain how to manage relationships with people that fall into a series of these definitions, as they relate t
Jan 11, 2012 Sarri rated it really liked it
Luin tämän kirjan suomenkielisen version "Miksi aina sinä", varsin osuva nimi mielestäni. Aidon, sairaalloisen narsismin vaikutuksista kärsivät niin narsisti itse kuin hänen ympärillään olevat ihmiset, joista suurin osa ei edes tiedosta tätä.

Kirjassa käydään läpi narsismin seitsemän syntiä: häpeämättömyys, maaginen ajattelu, ylimielisyys, kateus, vaativuus, hyväksikäyttö ja rajattomuus.

Narsismin perusta on kaiken ylle vyöryvässä narsistin häpeän tunteessa, jolle ei ole yleensä mitään järjellis
Anti Wibawa
May 16, 2010 Anti Wibawa rated it really liked it
Shelves: psychology
To my understanding, these days people commonly say the word of narcissist to what they consider as a self-love or self-reflection.. in fact, in another book this statement believed is a myth! actually not that simple. this book help me to discover who is a true narcissist around us to avoid unhealthy relationships AND understand ourselves, coz i dont wanna be a narcissist, do you?

This book is thorough and explain why a person can become a narcissist. This book underlined that narcissim in a fa
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“UNREALITY IS THE HALLMARK of narcissism. Whether it’s idealizations, expectations of perfection, manufactured images, illusions, distortions of fact, catastrophizing or other kinds of exaggerations, denial, or outright lying, Narcissists will go to great lengths to avoid any reality that evokes shame and to promote fanatasies that sustain their grandiosity and omnipotence. They require accomplices for this, people to admire them and do their bidding,” 2 likes
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