Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent

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Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent

4.2 of 5 stars 4.20 · rating details · 787 ratings · 162 reviews

New parents are faced with innumerable decisions to make regarding the best way to care for their baby, and, naturally, they often turn for guidance to friends and family members who have already raised children. But as scientists are discovering, much of the trusted advice that has been passed down through generations needs to be carefully reexamined.

A thought-provoking c...more

Paperback, 320 pages

Published May 4th 1999 by Anchor

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Jun 24, 2012 Becky rated it 3 of 5 stars

This was a really thought-provoking read that overall I enjoyed quite a lot. But I feel like she frequently repeated herself; by the end I was pretty tired of hearing about the !Kung San, and wished I had skimmed rather than read the whole thing. Also, despite her overall commitment to a scientific approach, she did use fairly biased/loaded language in her treatment of Western practices. I often agreed with her, but it seemed a bit heavy handed.

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Mar 24, 2009 Carlie rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book was really good but, a bit hard to get into. Its also a little academic. That said, I think it really challenged me, was full of very stimulating meaty research and kind of changed my perspective as a parent. I've always leaned towards attachment parenting and felt a little disjointed from much of common American parenting philosophy, but this book pushed me even further into that camp. I felt like reading the careful research on cultures around the world and how they raise children re...more

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Feb 26, 2009 Laura rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, science, parenting

This is the book I like to give every pregnant friend. When you have a child, you inevitably receive a lot of well-intentioned advice. Writing from a biological anthropologist's point of view, Small helps you pick apart which bits of wisdom are cultural (which is not to say that they should be discarded!) and which are more naturally aligned with babies' basic biological design.

This crucial knowledge, which most parents and even pediatricians do not possess, will help make some aspects of babie...more

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Jan 19, 2009 Kelly rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, parenting, owned

This was a fascinating read. The author relates the parenting practices of different cultures around the world and talks about how certain parenting styles are due to the biology of human babies. As a simple example, babies were designed to be breastfed, biologically speaking. But in Western cultures, we've decided to diverge from those biologically-based practices to gain more convenience and independence from the traditionally more intimate parent-infant relationship. I like how the author say...more

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Jan 08, 2011 Shannon rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting, non-fiction

Written by an anthropologist, this is an intriguing account of how humans care for infants, from a cross-cultural and evolutionary perspective. It begins by providing a fascinating summary of infant care in several diverse cultures including three hunter-gatherer societies and the modern industrial societies of Japan and the U.S. The variety of practices described, not only of caring for the young, but also related to social structure, mating, pregnancy, and birth made for some interesting readi...more Written by an anthropologist, this is an intriguing account of how humans care for infants, from a cross-cultural and evolutionary perspective. It begins by providing a fascinating summary of infant care in several diverse cultures including three hunter-gatherer societies and the modern industrial societies of Japan and the U.S. The variety of practices described, not only of caring for the young, but also related to social structure, mating, pregnancy, and birth made for some interesting reading. While I would have been interested to learn about the customs in even more cultures, these summaries served the purpose of illustrating both the great variety of the practices in existence across the world, as well as how unusual the practices that we take for granted in the US (and Western civilization) actually are.

For instance, in our society we take for granted that babies should sleep in cribs and often in their own rooms, but it is startling to realize that this practice has only been around for the last 200 or so years in Western civilization, that babies still sleep with their mothers in the vast majority of cultures in the world today, and that this is what humans have done for ages over the course of our (successful) evolution. It points out the contrast between our cultural practice of infant solitary sleep and how infants have evolved biologically to sleep in close proximity to their mothers. This data leads us to question whether our modern cultural practices are actual compatible with the biological needs of infants, and what is actually best for meeting the needs of infants.

This relationship between culture and biology is the theme that guides the rest of the book. In addition to sleep, two other topics which are central to the lives of infants are covered: eating and state (crying, temperament, etc.) Each of these chapters was packed with interesting information from historical, evolutionary, cultural, and scientific perspectives. Some of the parts that stood out to me in the "eating" section were learning about weaning ages from a biological (looking at humans within the spectrum of other primates) and cross-cultural perspective (ranging from 2.5 to 7 years old), as well as the history of breastfeeding and formula in Western culture. I was also interested to learn that "insufficient milk" syndrome only has a physical cause in 5% of the reported cases and is not found anywhere other than Western industrialized nations. Rather, its cause is usually associated with separation from the mother at birth, interval feeding (rather than feeding on cue or "demand"), and artificial milk presented as a reasonable alternative. Such insights, if properly applied, could help us to prevent this frustrating problem for many mothers.

Another eye-opening topic was crying. Crying is accepted in Western culture as normal and expected for babies, but in many cultures babies hardly cry at all. Studies have shown that what helps babies to cry less is human contact- picking up a crying baby, promptly feeding a baby that is crying out of hunger, and carrying the baby for more hours of each day. This may sound like common sense, but it is not the mainstream way that babies are cared for in Western culture. Rather, babies' cries routinely receive delayed responses and "cry-it-out" is a popular and widely accepted sleep training method for infants.

It frustrates me that as many advances as have been made in Western civilization, in many ways it has failed us so miserably. I wish I lived in a culture in which I could trust the mainstream cultural practices for infant care (and everything else), but unfortunately that's not the reality we live in. By broadening our perspective on infant care to cultures across the world and our evolutionary history, this book allows us to view our own culture in a new light and begin to look more closely at what is actually best for our children.

The information and perspectives shared in this book went well beyond what you would find in a normal "Parenting" book, and it kept me interested from beginning to end. I highly recommend this book for parents and non-parents alike.(less)

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Apr 20, 2010 Meg added it

Shelves: parenting, health

I'm not sure how many stars to give this book, because I had very mixed reactions. The earlier parts of this book are full of interesting biological and anthropological descriptions of (1) evolutionary and biological information about babies, and (2) how parents in various cultures care for babies. Totally fascinating, well-described, and exuding open-mindedness and curiosity about the wonder of human biology and the rich variety of human behavior.

Then, suddenly, the book changes, and the second...more

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May 03, 2009 Amy rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book explores how human biology and culture influence and define
the way we choose to parent. The author surmises that human babies
are biologically evolved to send signals (crying, smiling, rooting)
based upon hundreds of years of evolution within a hunting &
gathering culture. She illustrates that the way some cultures parent
today sometimes clashes with how babies have evolved thus far.

Various cultures' parenting styles (American, Kung! San of Africa,
and Japanese among them) are used to d...more

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Mar 11, 2013 Allison Rockwell rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: nonfiction, anthropology

An ethnopediatric argument for reevaluating the ways we in the West have been taught to care for babies, combining evidence from anthropology, evolutionary biology, and pediatrics. The author makes a strong argument for immediate contact with the infant after birth, co-sleeping, continuous feeding (or as close as possible to it), and responding quickly to cries, and uses case studies from !Kung San people in Africa, Japanese parents, and American parents to demonstrate how extremely different pa...more

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Apr 22, 2010 Frank Jude rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: Parents and expectant parents; those interested in child development.

Shelves: anthropology, cultural-history, general-science, parenting

This book is the first to explore why we raise our children the way we do, questioning those cultural assumptions that -- to paraphrase Barthes -- usually go without saying! Antropologist Meredith Small has put together an intriguing and thought-provoking examination of the remarkable findings of the relatively new science of ethnopediatrics.

Should an infant be encouraged to sleep alone? What's the proper amount of time that should pass before picking up a crying baby? Is breast feeding really...more

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Dec 17, 2012 Ramya rated it 3 of 5 stars

Back in the day a unique book opening up the new field if ethopediatrics out of academia for lay public. Small unfortunately has a tendency to over-exaggerate/over-generalize especially in the first chapter! Babies don't have "half-finished brains" - they simple have to complete myelination of the nervous system in the 1st year of life -- this is a maturation process not a "finishing" process. Small states, "Painful childbirth & helpless babies are an evolutionary process ...." - not all nat...more

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Apr 20, 2010 Katina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: 2010, parenting

Meredith Small is an anthropologist at Cornell and in this book she explores how different cultures raise children in (surprisingly) different ways. I enjoyed the cultural anecdotes and the comparisons of human behavior to the behavior of other primates. Some of the studies and results she shared, in particular about sleep and breastfeeding, were compelling. If anyone ever critiques you for breastfeeding, or breastfeeding in public, point them to this book (as if such fools would be interested i...more

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Jan 24, 2012 Andrea Paterson rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: pregnancy-parenting

An excellent look at how babies and their caregivers have evolved through time and across cultures. This book was highly comforting in that it proves there is no "right" way to parent your child, but it is also deeply informative, describing clearly the biological imperatives that make babies the way they are and outlining the parenting practises that best support those biological needs. While many methods of care can be appropriate there are some that are a better biological match than others....more

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Nov 11, 2009 Inder rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: culture, parenting, ethnography, read-2009, science, women, parenting-2009

This little introduction to "ethnopediatrics," the study of child-rearing across cultures, is by no means a how-to manual, but nonetheless may be one of the better parenting books I've read to date. This is a well-researched, thought-provoking survey of parenting styles among non-human primates and human cultures throughout the world. The conclusion? It is Western child-rearing practices that are "weird."

I loved the indictment of our cultural obsession with "independence" and getting infants to...more This little introduction to "ethnopediatrics," the study of child-rearing across cultures, is by no means a how-to manual, but nonetheless may be one of the better parenting books I've read to date. This is a well-researched, thought-provoking survey of parenting styles among non-human primates and human cultures throughout the world. The conclusion? It is Western child-rearing practices that are "weird."

I loved the indictment of our cultural obsession with "independence" and getting infants to "sleep through the night." Small's observation that American parents rely on pediatricians, who have no training in child development, rather than other mothers, for parenting advice, stopped me in my tracks. I may think a bit more deeply the next time I pick up a book on parenting written by a pediatrician.

Make no mistake, there is a definite agenda here. This is an advocacy piece, and should be read as such. Small is promoting a high-response style of parenting, which may not be possible for everyone (and is probably not 100% workable for anyone in an industrialized country), and you have to take some of her conclusions with a grain of salt. There are also some moments of naivete, as when Small claims that colic doesn't exist in traditional cultures. I'm sure that there is some truth to this (there may well be less colic in cultures where babies are carried and breastfed 24/7), but I know many attachment-parented babies who still meet the definition for colic. Guilt-tripping parents of colicky babies (parents, if you were just more responsive, your baby wouldn't cry so much), doesn't do anyone any good. I believe that there are physiological reasons for colic, and that it is unfair, as well as insanely unhelpful, to blame it on the parents. "Attachment parenting" has gotten a bad reputation because of these kinds of claims.

Finally, readers may legitimately complain that Small surveys relatively few cultures overall, oversimplifies "traditional" cultures, underestimates the differences between traditional cultures, etc. This book is a summary, and it has some real limitations. But I thought it was an excellent, thought-provoking summary.

A side note: The title is terrible. Everyone seems to think this is somehow associated with Our Bodies, Ourselves, when in fact they have nothing to do with each other. At best, the title is painfully unoriginal; at worst, it seems like an attempt to piggy-back onto a better-established brand. Either way: annoying.(less)

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Jun 18, 2010 Adrienne rated it 5 of 5 stars

I wish I had read this book before I had babies, but I'm definitely glad I'm reading it when they're still little. It is about the field of ethnopediatrics, the comparative study of parenting across cultures, with the ultimate goal of determining where mismatches between biology and culture exist so that we can better meet our babies' needs.

A major tenet of Small's argument is that the biology of babies has evolved at a pace much slower than our culture's technology and lifestyle. As a result,...more I wish I had read this book before I had babies, but I'm definitely glad I'm reading it when they're still little. It is about the field of ethnopediatrics, the comparative study of parenting across cultures, with the ultimate goal of determining where mismatches between biology and culture exist so that we can better meet our babies' needs.

A major tenet of Small's argument is that the biology of babies has evolved at a pace much slower than our culture's technology and lifestyle. As a result, we have accepted as the norm many parenting practices that simply do not jive with what our babies really need from us. That chapter about the evolution of babies isn't quite as interesting as later chapters but it's important for understanding and appreciating them (though I decided to skim after awhile).

An interesting fact: The SIDS rate is lower in countries where babies sleep with an adult.

"The United States consistently stands out as the only society in which babies are routinely placed in their own beds and in their own rooms; in one survey of a hundred societies, only parents in the United States maintained separate quarters for their babies, and in another study of twelve societies, all parents but Americans slept with their babies until weaning." WEIRD. Equally weird: I feel almost ashamed to tell people that my babies sleep with me. I've learned to keep that little tidbit to myself just to avoid looks of concern from people who have been convinced by pediatricians--and crib manufacturers--that I'm going to roll over and suffocate my baby. What is our deal! Oh, it's our obsession with fostering independence from day one. I even know someone who said to me, "My job as a parent is to teach my kids life skills. Sleeping is a life skill and he may as well learn it now." This when his son was just a few months old and wailing in his crib for an HOUR.

Perhaps the most important thing I gleaned from this book was the simple realization that almost all traits, both good and bad, are culturally defined. What Dutch parents consider to be an "intelligent" child is far different from what Kipsigis Africans think, or even Americans. What we consider a "difficult" baby is completely different from the way even Italians define it. It makes me look at milestones and all of our other expectations of our babies in a completely different light. The things we take for granted because of the culture in which we are raised, really aren't granted. They're just cultural.

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Jan 02, 2012 Heather Boyd rated it 4 of 5 stars

I found this a refreshing look at parenting practices around the world, since it emphasizes that the way we parent is dictated by the values of a particular culture, rather than there being a 'right' or 'wrong' way to parent. The author also points out, however, that sometimes our societal values can get in the way of parenting in a natural way: our push for independence in the west leads us to parenting practices that some evidence suggests is contrary to development of independence, and that o...more

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Oct 12, 2009 Shelley rated it 5 of 5 stars

I LOVED this book! It changed the way I view pregnacy, babies and parenting. I only wish I had read it before I became a mother.

The author uses evidence-based research on multiple cultures to come up with some "universals" for parenting infants. She presents compelling evidence for things like breastfeeding on demand, quick response to babies cries, safe sleep, and babywearing without coming across as being preachy or having an agenda. This book encourages readers to reflect on how human babies...more

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Oct 31, 2009 Jen rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: babies-babies-babies, nonfiction, science

Well, nothing to make you feel insecure about your own parenting than reading about cultures where the kids get held for 3x the amount of US kids, and only cry for a few seconds at a time. Gives you something to think about, but I don't think I'll be very successful at this until I have a whole village to pass my kid along to, or at least a back strong enough to wear a sling for more than half an hour.

So far, long on introduction - as in, I read the intro and am now 60 or so pages in and still...more

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Mar 11, 2010 Mistiemae1 Downs rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is the ONLY book I recommend to pregnant and parenting friends with the caveat that they keep in mind the author's intention: to call our attention to how culture affects our parenting. The loads of guilt and pressure to conform that accompanies other "parenting" books (which this book is not meant to be) should not surface if the reader will keep this at the forefront of their thoughts while they glean all the information this book has to offer.

Biology is the overriding factor in a baby's...more

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Apr 17, 2013 Emily rated it 5 of 5 stars

Probably one of the most helpful books I've come across for preparing a new parent, most notably because enough cultures and methods of child-rearing are presented to convince the reader that there is no one "right way". Secondly, it becomes clear that there are a few things that all babies need, regardless of culture, and the Western world is somewhat lacking in providing those things: skin-to-skin touch, physical nearness (including at night), and a quick response to crying, among others. I ca...more

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Jan 08, 2013 Mary rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-2013

I appreciated the break from the normal pregnancy books with this one... But I was hoping for something a little more enlightening. But I felt like the most interesting points about other cultures were discussed in the preface. It did give me some things to think about related to breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I can't believe America is the only culture where co-sleeping doesn't really happen. And the idea that babies need co-sleeping so they can learn to breathe since they aren't completely dev...more

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Aug 18, 2011 Jennifer Vanderbes rated it 4 of 5 stars

This was by far the most informative book I've read on parenting. Small takes an anthropologist's approach, illustrating the various ways in which different cultures approach parenting. Of course, every culture believes its parenting style is the "right" way. Americans come out looking like the odd balls (in relation to the majority of the world), with their intense focus on instilling regimen and independence in infants.
I'd give the book 5 stars except for the chapter on breastfeeding, in whic...more

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Jan 07, 2013 Carrie rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

I was just going to leave this with a rating like I usually do but something about this book just keeps eating at me so here is my review. While it was certainly interesting (shocking at times) to learn about the parenting habits of other cultures, I found it very unnerving that the author was constantly putting down the way most Americans choose to raise their children to be independent. Why, exactly, does she think our country is so great? Because we have independent people who are able and wi...more

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Dec 02, 2012 Christine rated it 3 of 5 stars

Shelves: adult-and-ya, parenting

There is so much that I agree with in this book. I loved reading about the anthropological support for the idea that attachment parenting is what is best for babies, and I really enjoyed reading about how babies are cared for in some non-Western cultures today (though I would have enjoyed reading about more of them and also about Western countries other than the U.S.)

That being said, I did find some significant flaws with this book. For one thing, Meredith Small asserts at times that all parenti...more There is so much that I agree with in this book. I loved reading about the anthropological support for the idea that attachment parenting is what is best for babies, and I really enjoyed reading about how babies are cared for in some non-Western cultures today (though I would have enjoyed reading about more of them and also about Western countries other than the U.S.)

That being said, I did find some significant flaws with this book. For one thing, Meredith Small asserts at times that all parenting practices are fine and just need to be understood as part of culture, while in most of the book she argues that babies are evolutionarily designed to sleep with adults, breastfeed often for several years, be worn or carried most of the time, and be responded to quickly. I don't think that she is consistent on these points, perhaps because she lacks the courage to criticize mainstream American practices without reservation.

Second, I had hoped for more explanation of why we should look to these aspects of traditional societies but not, say, infanticide.

Third, I think that Small is at times out of touch with American views of parenting. For example, she suggests that American parents are not concerned with "socialization" of babies/children. I think that Americans just view socialization in a different (perhaps worse) way than many other cultures. While in most cultures, babies become socialized by being included in whatever their mothers are doing, Americans tend to believe (in my view, wrongly) that babies and young children need to be "socialized" by spending time with their same-aged peers.

Finally, I disagree with Small's suggestion that temperament isn't inborn. That sounds like someone with one easygoing child who thinks that the "easy" temperament is attributable to great parenting. Those of us blessed with babies who, from Day 1, are a little more demanding than others, should, like parents of easygoing babies, meet their needs through attachment parenting. We should also be prepared to love them, see the advantages in their personalities, teach them to control themselves as needed to function in our society, but not expect that our parenting will change their core temperaments. And why should we want that anyway?

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Jun 09, 2011 Karawan rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

If I could rate this 2.5 stars I would....

What I liked: the examples of how a variety of world cultures approach major parenting choices such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and bedtime/sleep issues. Really fascinating to read, and a variety of different approaches can still lead to healthy, happy, well-adjusted children! I wish she'd focused more on this aspect and left the other stuff out.

What was interesting but I'm on the fence about it: the evolutionary biology stuff. It was interesting to r...more

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Sep 19, 2008 Katherine Parker rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: people with babies/small children

Recommended to Katherine Parker by: Tilden

Shelves: breeder-books

This was a quick read. It provides some interesting insights about how we parent, how unconscious a lot of our parenting strategies are, and how we unconsciously transmit our culture's values through our interactions with children. In particular, I had never thought about whether or not other cultures talk to their children a lot and value language acquisition as much as Americans value it. She also laid bare for me the understanding that, as many aspects of American culture as I reject (materia...more

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Jul 08, 2008 Regina rated it 4 of 5 stars

Recommended to Regina by: parents

This book is better than the usual pop psychology book on parenting. It is essentially a review of the relatively new field of ethnopediatrics by an anthropologist. It tackles the nature/nurture question head on and makes some truly subtle points in places. At times the author lapses into vague generalizations about our Pleistocene past determining our current biological drives. And rather suprisingly, given that the author is a female anthropologist, some of the discussions about co-sleeping et...more This book is better than the usual pop psychology book on parenting. It is essentially a review of the relatively new field of ethnopediatrics by an anthropologist. It tackles the nature/nurture question head on and makes some truly subtle points in places. At times the author lapses into vague generalizations about our Pleistocene past determining our current biological drives. And rather suprisingly, given that the author is a female anthropologist, some of the discussions about co-sleeping etc. tend to romanticize the lifestyles of 3rd world mothers. Curiously this book actually develops an argument based on evolutionary psychology and anthropological studies of kinship for why men are motivated to nurture their offspring--provided that cultures enforce some safeguards to assure them of paternity... I tend to find evolutionary psychology sexist and unsophisticated in its understanding of all things cultural, especially gender roles. However, this particular chapter was creative and did get my attention. Particularly since this genre of research usually tends to reinforce the idea that men are biologically driven to spread their seed and abandon their progeny --a thin version of "selfish gene" nonsense that I personally find politically as well as scientifically offensive. Instead the author really attempts to plum the depths of anthropological kinship studies--a potentially rich resources for research in parenting.

Overall this book is a much needed introduction to cross-cultural parenting practices. In general the author emphasizes the resilience of babies and downplays paranoia about making the wrong choices as a parent--unlike many parenting advice books! It is not a perfect book, it does not deal with class issues around parenting or generational issues around parenting. It pretty much exclusively focuses on ethnic differences among cultural groups. It also does not address the important topic of consumerism directly. As a soon to be parent those are the issues that seem to touch my life most directly. (less)

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Jun 29, 2008 CJ rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: parents who feel like people look at them funny for how they raise their kids

Shelves: parenting

I will preface my review by saying that I recognize that I might be biased about this book because it reinforced many things about parenting that I already believe.

That being said, I really found this book enlightening. Small, an anthropologist at Cornell University, outlines research done here in the West about parenting practices and the nature of human infancy and describes parenting practices in cultures around the world. Her basic premise is that, while parents (and even those without child...more

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Sep 07, 2008 Elaine rated it 4 of 5 stars

I picked this book up a while back, I think at a library sale on a whim. I didn't know the book prior to buying it but I did recognize the author's name. Meredith Small is a primatologist whose work I knew when I was studying anthropology.

The sub-title gives the gist of this book's subject matter: "How biology and culture shape the way we parent." For those with any interest in parenting, children, or even just examining human behaviors cross-culturally, this is a great book to read.

Small revie...more

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May 13, 2008 melissa/missy rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: birth-and-parenting, non-fiction

I should confess that I didn't read this book cover to cover; I have a bad habit of skipping around a lot when I read non-fiction books. But I really enjoyed the book as a whole. It's a well-researched, fascinating look at how different cultures raise children. Despite our tendency to assume that we are raising our children the "right" way, really we are products of the culture we have been raised in--and sometimes, if you get right down to the biology of it, our culture is wrong. I especially e...more

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Jan 14, 2008 Jenn rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: people interested in attachment parenting

I read this book long ago for a class on child development. It was incredible, and I remember loaning it to my sister-in-law when she was pregnant. It was the first book I picked up to read when I got pregnant, and I tried to get my husband to read it also.

What I'm obviously trying to say here is that I think this book is great for parents to read.

It's not your "typical" parenting book - there are no top ten lists, no cutesy anecdotes. What it is is this - scientific & well-studied reasons...more

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About Meredith Small

Meredith F. Small was trained as a primate behaviorist and spent many years observing various species of macaques in captivity and in the wild. Her primatology focused on female mating behavior, alloparental care, and biological and physiological measure of reproductive success. Today, Dr. Small is interesting in the intersection of biology and culture and the evolution of human behavior. For the...more

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