Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free

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Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free

4.17 of 5 stars 4.17 · rating details · 902 ratings · 133 reviews

Parents in our post-modern world tend to be committed to but anxious about their child-rearing responsibilities. They have tried countless parenting books on the market telling moms and dads what to do and how to do it. Many of these are rigid, fear-based books that leave a large number of parents feeling directionless.

Now, there is a grace-based solution from Dr. Tim Kimm...more

Hardcover, 242 pages

Published February 4th 2004 by W Publishing Group (first published 2004)

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May 14, 2012 Joel Arnold rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I read this book because I've heard so much discussion. I strongly disagreed with the viewpoint and found its thoughts largely unhelpful.

• Kimmel used "grace based" rather loosely and left me feeling that it was just a term for his own perspective. As such, it felt like an unfair prejudicing of the debate. Who's going to win arguing for the anti-grace based approach?

• I agree with his basic dictum that we should treat our kids the way God treats us. I do think, however, that his view of God is d...more

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Aug 04, 2008 Maura rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: Everyone

Recommended to Maura by: My church

I loved this book, and hope to re-read it at least once, if not regularly. I think it is great on many levels. It is especially good for more authoritarian Christian parents, to help them understand how we can (and should?) parent our children with the grace with which our loving God parents us. I think far too many Christian parents lean more toward the justice side of God than the grace side. Another thing that came to my mind often as I read this book is how much I would love my non-Christian...more

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Mar 21, 2009 Sara floerke rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Opened my eyes up to being a better parent. But it wasn't as insightful as I had hoped it would be.

Lots of reasons to BE more graceful...just not a lot of ideas on how to get there.

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Dec 08, 2012 Bob rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, parenting

This was a hard one: I got it knowing I would probably find it challenging because I struggle with being an authoritarian style parent. I often default to "do it because I say so, and don't talk back or argue" and I recognize that I need to be willing to change that in some instances. However, I don't feel that it helped much.

Most of what he says I agree with, and it was a good admonishment to have a different way of thinking about things. I'll take some of what he says to heart. However, there...more

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Dec 25, 2011 Hippie Housewife rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting

While I know this book has done much in the way of introducing parents to a more grace-based form of discipline (hence the two stars instead of only one), I disliked it front-to-back. The part that really sealed the deal for me can be found on pages 221 and 222:

"Children learn from discipline and have an internal sense of justice that needs to know they have paid their debt for their infraction and can move on with their lives...
...[The children] wanted to get their punishment over with so that...more

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Sep 23, 2011 Jenny rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: gave-up

I don't know if it was the writer's style or the present mood or circumstances I've been in, but I had to put the book down. Every time I'd put pick it up, I'd eventually find myself in a disgruntled mood (about life, my marriage and the ways were were each brought up). I got through over half the book. I thought the ideas and precepts were really good, but the ways he elaborated on them were not helpful. I found him more critical of people that don't parent "right" and he seemed prone to using...more

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Jul 29, 2011 Carissa Norris rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I just finished Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. Wow, wow and wow. What a beautiful, uplifting, encouraging book. If you are a parent who is tired of feeling like you are battling your children everyday, this is the book for you. Tim shows us how to parent in a way that is grace-filled, that releases our homes from legalism and lets our children truly live as God intended: free in Christ.

I cannot recommend this book more highly. I came away feeling refreshed and more confident as a parent. P...more

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Jul 08, 2008 Elisa Garza rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: all parents

Wow - this book was really challenging. He talks a lot about giving your kids the grace to do things that aren't morally wrong (even though they might make you cringe - like dying their hair funky colors). Also, the focus should be on raising strong kids instead of "safe" kids. Very thought-provoking. I'm actually going to read this one again . . .

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Feb 14, 2013 Lacie rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: favorites, parenting

"In the same way, if the bottom line of parenting is grace, then that should affect how you develop goals for your children, how you handle discipline, how you process their fears, how you deal with their quirks and idiosyncrasies, and how you respond to their fads. Grace keeps you from clamping down on their spirits when they move through awkward transitions and walk through the valley of the shadow of adolescence. The reason grace makes the most sense as a bottom line for parenting is because...more

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Apr 09, 2013 Carissa Roddin rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I loved this book so much and recommend it to all my Christian parent friends. It is a beautiful illustration of what being a strong yet gentle parent means. It's power under control, exhibiting the love and grace you receive from your Heavenly Father and learning to model that for your children and speak love and wisdom into their lives. It reminded me to not sweat the small things- instead of freaking out over things that seem absurd, take a new approach and think about whether or not its real...more

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Dec 02, 2011 Greg rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Grace Based Parenting
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Over the last 16 years as a parent I have read a lot of books on parenting, I have taught many courses on parenting, and my wife and I have given a lot of advice to parents, plus we have made a lot of mistakes that we hope to learn from. This book is probably one of the best books on Christian parenting that I have read. I would put it in my top 3 with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and “Age of Opportunity”.

If you are looking for a reading road-map for your...more Grace Based Parenting
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Over the last 16 years as a parent I have read a lot of books on parenting, I have taught many courses on parenting, and my wife and I have given a lot of advice to parents, plus we have made a lot of mistakes that we hope to learn from. This book is probably one of the best books on Christian parenting that I have read. I would put it in my top 3 with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” and “Age of Opportunity”.

If you are looking for a reading road-map for your children, I would start with “Shepherding a Child’s Heart – Tripp”, and focus on and apply what this book teaches, and then when your children are 5 or 6 years old read “Grace-Based Parenting – Kimmel” and add this to what you have been doing, not a replacement, and then once your children are in their pre-teen years 11 -13 I would add “Age of Opportunity – Tripp”, if you read and applied no other books to your parenting these 3 would cover it all.

In Grace-Based Parenting, Dr. Kimmel focuses on the grace provided by God the Father - the ultimate child and family expert, as our standard our aim and goal as parents; to apply the grace shown to us by God to our own children.

This book is not a how-to book, I don’t remember reading any methods of parenting, but it is chock-full of timeless principles and truth to form the foundation to build the methods on.

Grace-Based Parenting is not another manual full of impossible standards; rather it is a new map for learning to see ourselves and our children through God's limitless tenderness - to raise our kids the way God raises us. This thoughtful, profound and compassionate book represents a truly liberating way to nurture a healthy family. As we embrace the grace He offers, we begin to give it - creating a sound foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children.

Includes chapter 1 of Dr. Kimmel’s book - “Why Christian Kids Rebel”
You can purchase it online from:
http://catalyst.ourchurchbookstore.co...
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Jul 04, 2012 Kendra Fletcher rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Until the publication of Elyse Fitzpatrick's and Jessica Thompson's Give Them Grace, Kimmel's Grace Based Parenting was my favorite parenting book. Now I feel the two books complement each other beautifully. After 19 years of parenting 8 children and repenting for our former law-based parenting agenda, our children seek Jesus because they understand the glorious freedom and precious salvation that grace brings. The law never motivates anyone, but grace? Well, it is by grace we have been saved.

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Jan 28, 2012 Nikki rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: non-fiction

I think many parents do get to the stage when you realise no one parenting book has it all.But many of them in the Christian parenting arena have good things to say. This is another book that I think can work towards rounding out your parenting.

Tim Kimmel writes to challenge Christian parents as to what is actually motivating their parenting choices. If you are parenting with the intention of leading your children to the Lord, is the guidance and rules you set before your children going to help...more

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Jul 26, 2011 Joalby Phoenix rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I loved this book. I read it years ago and I am still not a parent. It helped me realize that things that have happened in my life may have been helping me out actually.
I think you gain strong principles from this book that can help you out when you're ready to take that step in your life. We can not shelter our children, we need to allow them to grow and build a foundation allowing THEM to grow rather than us as parent imposing our expectations upon them.
I feel this would greatly benefit both...more

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May 30, 2011 Sarah rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Now it may seem odd at first glance that I, a single, childless woman, would pick up a book on parenting, but I have a bit of a love-affair with grace and happened across this lovely tome whilst babysitting at my sister's. The beautiful thing about this one is that it's less of a parenting how-to (totally irrelevant to me) and more of understanding and developing my relationship with God by understanding and developing all sorts of relationships around me. In short, this book is about living lif...more Now it may seem odd at first glance that I, a single, childless woman, would pick up a book on parenting, but I have a bit of a love-affair with grace and happened across this lovely tome whilst babysitting at my sister's. The beautiful thing about this one is that it's less of a parenting how-to (totally irrelevant to me) and more of understanding and developing my relationship with God by understanding and developing all sorts of relationships around me. In short, this book is about living life with a keen awareness of my own desperate need for constant grace! This should really be titled something like Grace-Based Living (or Christocentric or Gospel-Oriented… you get the idea). It's not a difficult read and sometimes I feel Kimmel tries to hard in making his points – the average intellect got it a couple pages ago already – but then there are many other passages that you can only ingest a sentence or two at a time. I recommend this to anyone with any kind of relationship to any other human. Slash "all y'all".

Some favourite moments (this is mostly for my failing memory, not necessarily anyone else's edification, though take from it what you will):
- Truth is inseparable from grace. Boundaries in one's life stem from a passionate and grateful relationship with Christ rather than a moral checklist of human invention. Grace and truth are like Siamese twins joined at the heart – to separate is to kill both.
- "Cheap grace" isn't really grace at all. Rather, grace pushes toward holiness and propels us to embrace truth. "Cheap grace" holds people down and sets them up for heartache. "Cheap grace" is cowardice, laziness, and selfishness.
- Raising "safe Christian kids" is a spiritual disaster in the making. Folks, I'm a huge fan of the theory of Christian education (to take one small example) but in reality, I've seen Christian schools become 'safe havens' for parents too lazy or just plain unable to parent well. The result is kids who are ill equipped to live fruitfully in the world or to be able to respond well to any ideas that don't fit into the safe little boxes we've contrived for them. Jesus is good, but He isn't safe (yes, that's an Aslan reference). There are risks to living Christianly – read Hebrews 11! In attempting to provide a sanitary, hermetically sealed Christian existence, we forget the power of God – we think God is incapable of doing what He said He would do. Friends, that's a strong indictment. Raising safe kids produces a generation of people who must stay within a spiritually sterilized environment in order to thrive. These are nice systems that produce nice kids who marry nice kids who go to nice churches and hang out with like-minded friends. (Dare I mention the majority of Dutch Reformed churches?!)
- Legalism is the lazy man's religion. It doesn't require much thinking, or a relationship with God.
- Grace, on the other hand, is freeing – it gives the freedom to be different, to be vulnerable, to be candid, to make mistakes (that last one is a toughie for any Dutchie). Therefore, living by grace can be hard, because it is unnatural.
- Grace isn't a nice little theological system that allows you to do anything you want. Rather, it's a lifestyle and set of choices that are the outgrowth of a walk (a lifelong journey with twists and turns!) with Him.
- Grace-based families aren't preoccupied with keeping sin out by putting a fence between themselves and the world. These fences don't exist, because grace-based people understand that sin is already present and accounted for inside each one of us. Sin is not an action or object that somehow managed to penetrate our defenses; it is a pre-existing condition that permeates our being. Grace-based parents aren't surprised or angry by sin; they expect it – and point the sinner to the work of Christ on his behalf.
- Legalism: an exoskeleton that depends on an external environment to hold our urges in check and temptation at bay.
- Grace: an endoskeleton that sees our strength by Who is working inside us. The unlimited power of Christ and thorough effect of His finished work on the cross form the internal belief system that functions as the skeleton keeping us strong.
- "Your propensity toward sin shouldn't surprise, threaten, or even bother you. You know you're a sinner. You realize you have a bent toward selfishness, stubbornness, and lawlessness – exactly the kind of person Christ loves and for whom He died. By acknowledging your children's sin from the outset, you can encourage them to struggle with their sin out in the open where you can talk about it and direct them to the power of Christ. And when the children are actually sinning, grace makes it easy for you to have open, candid, and vulnerable discussions about the areas in which they struggle. You should be able to talk openly and honestly about sin because you're aware of your own sin. Grace demands a humility and sensitivity toward your children's battles with sin because grace is a daily reminder of how desperately you need the Saviour as well."
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Apr 18, 2013 Shannon rated it 1 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Still need to finish my notes, but I did finish the book.

Kimmel is certainly operating from a different definition of "grace" than I expected to find here. I still haven't figured out what his definition is, but this is what I expected: http://cyclopedia.lcms.org/display.as...

notes in progress:

pg. 41: lighthouse=grace??

pg. 53-54: Unreal. He tries to talk the woman who cuts his hair out of delivering her breech baby vaginally *while she is in labor.* He says she said she didn't want a c/s b/c of...more Still need to finish my notes, but I did finish the book.

Kimmel is certainly operating from a different definition of "grace" than I expected to find here. I still haven't figured out what his definition is, but this is what I expected: http://cyclopedia.lcms.org/display.as...

notes in progress:

pg. 41: lighthouse=grace??

pg. 53-54: Unreal. He tries to talk the woman who cuts his hair out of delivering her breech baby vaginally *while she is in labor.* He says she said she didn't want a c/s b/c of the scar.

pg. 64-65: "'...whoever receives one child *like this*.' What did he (sic) mean by 'like this'?...Most likely, when He said 'like this,' He was referring to the affectionate and tender way He was holding the boy." Pretty sure the "like this"/"such as this" is referring to the child, not being affectionate.

Chapter 4: A Significant Purpose--Kimmel's take on "purpose" is confused and not Biblically founded. He says we have 1) a general purpose ("Leaving the world nicer than you found it, making a commitment to a lifetime of learning, paying attention to what you learn from life's experience so that you are more valuable to others, and being committed to developing the potential of as many people as you can are general purposes that are good to install in the hearts of each one of your children.") 2)

pg. 71: "...it is the child's parents that (sic) carry the greatest potential for influence. We're the ones who donated (in most cases) the basic ingredients for their DNA. We're the ones who were given the naming rights. We're the ones who invest most of the time and put up most of the money toward our children's best interests. That makes us the best candidates for grooming the limitless creativity God has built into their lives. It also places us in the default position of being the single most influential obstacle to our children's developing a significant purpose."

pg. 73: "Untapped potential is a crime to humanity, an insult to god, and a shame for an individual."

pg. 100: Kudos on calling out scheduled feeding as parent centered and harmful. "I've noticed a *strident* attitude that is too often brought to the issue of a child's feeding schedule. Usually its advocates tout the tremendous benefits this strict view of schedule feeding brings to the *parent*--especially in the area of sleep....At its worst, this attitude can cause dehydration and malnutrition problems in the child." But sorry, cue based feeding doesn't "lead to overattachment, overdependence, and overprotection..."(less)

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Nov 15, 2010 Ki rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Ugh. I hate reviewing this one.

It drove me mad and I wanted to throw it across the room several times. I did wind up hissing at it once or twice. I would also highly recommend it.

Kimmel has produced a solid work of philosophy/right-thought (as opposed to a practical instruction book)on what he believes are the most important aspects of parenting. I agree with him. I think he managed to take a potentially confusing idea of grace and applied it marvelously to how parents should see, and treat the...more

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Apr 02, 2009 Christina rated it 3 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: 2009

If you are struggling with legalism issues from your home of origin or in your life as a parent, this book is a great encouragement to help you swing towards a different direction. I liked the "bones" of this book. The ideas were presented clearly and the many arguments against this approach were addressed (grace does not= permissiveness).

This is one of those books I would like to read again when my children reach the pre-teen stage, because a big key to applying the grace principles described...more

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Oct 08, 2011 Crystal rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: parenting, christian

I borrowed this book from a friend who had heard the author speak. I was quite impressed with his general message and the thought behind it. I will be buying my own copy. The ideas and principles are well thought out and backed up with bible verses. I like how he points out the three basic needs and clarifies them so we have a better understanding. I feel like, by the end of this book, I am equipped with a handful of new tools to apply to my every day life.

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Jan 21, 2010 Traci rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Quite possibly the most enlightening and inspiring parenting book I've read. Not the least of its merits is the explanation of where and how much Christian parenting goes awry and what to do about it. The whole premise that our children understand God's love based on the way we love them rings so true with me. I want to start again reading it from the beginning and take notes and make personal goals this time around, not to mention to start right now making my relationship with Christ and my und...more

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Jul 14, 2009 Melyssa Williams rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I really enjoyed this book and would like to own it, since I kept wanting to highlight things and underline sentences. 5 stars I suppose is a little generous, but I was happy to find a parenting book that I liked so much. Just like most books of this genre, we could use more black and white do's and don'ts and checklists of how to have the perfect kids, but I really appreciated this author's love of children, his warnings against legalism, and other parts. I am a big believer in sheltering my ki...more

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Jul 29, 2012 Meghan is currently reading it · review of another edition

I'm currently reading this one and am looking forward to what it has to teach me. Our church gave it to us when we dedicated Claire. It's about the concept of raising our kids based on God's model - not this world's model - and using the methods and standards that God uses with us. May be one of those books that I'll have to periodically return to to be reminded of God's plan for me and my children.

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Sep 27, 2012 Amy Mitchell rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

This book gave me some food for thought but mostly I came away feeling like a lousy mother. I began to second guess every time I corrected them or punished them. There was some good content and I think it will be more valuable to me as my kids get older. But for now, I am still in the trenches of the daily hard work of training them to be responsible, kind, Godly kids.

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Jun 24, 2012 Amanda rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I felt much of it was repetitive and vague. I also wish it had more real-life/concrete examples or scenarios in how a grace-based parent would deal with sin, discipline, consequences, etc. That being said, there were a handful of eye-opening statements that will change my parenting outlook for the better. It especially gave me confidence, encouragement, and direction in the way I'm raising my 3 boys - allowing them to be who they are and not trying to mold them into my little robots.

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Aug 18, 2012 Wade Harris rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Great book, read it! I would agree with those below that his tone is harsh and it seems he pats himself on the back throughout the book but dont throw out the baby with the bath water. His walk through grace and how to apply it to parenting is wonderful and challenging. I would give this to every first time parent to shape their parenting!

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Jul 02, 2011 Jason Smith rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

I loved this book and highly recommend it. The author does an
excellent job in outlining his beliefs and concepts about parenting into a simple yet profound framework that fits into one's overall belief/religion/philosophy.

I feel that the absence of step-by step guidelines strengthens the claims made in that this system allows individual differences to be celebrated and mistakes/challenges to be forgiven with God given grace.

I enjoyed the anecdotes and felt compelled to examine my own childhood...more

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Jun 21, 2012 Rachel rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

rNot your typical parenting book...very freeing, and full of reminders to be real with your children about your own need for forgiveness and grac,e, modeling what it is to be children of a Father Who loves us in spite of ourselves and Who is always ready to forgive. Funny, too. Not a guilt inducing parenting book, but the opposite.

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Apr 20, 2012 Crizzle rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: christian, parenting, non-fiction

Meeting your child's inner needs of security, significance, and strength. Letting them be candid, make mistakes, and be different (as long as it's not going against a moral standard). Getting to the heart of matters; fostering a relationship instead of rules and regulations - legalism. Kids will want a relationship with God when they live in a grace-based home.

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Feb 28, 2012 Miles Morrison rated it 2 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Was so excited about this book, but for the most part was left disappointed. Dr. Kimmel's problem isn't that he isn't informed, but that he doesn't clearly say what he's getting at. I love the overall message that Kimmel is giving about grace-based parenting, but every chapter in this book could have been shortened considerably if he didn't beat a dead horse into the ground at every turn. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect is that his parenting focus seems to be a response to legalistic parenti...more

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Apr 25, 2012 Kay Swatkowski rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Tim Kimmel's book offers practical advice to parents who want to raise their children with kindness, respect and at the same time appropriate boundaries. The Kimmels remind us to take the time to get to know the heart of your child rather than always judging them by their appearance. Kids need grace.

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