Rate this book

Clear rating

1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars

Communion: The Female Search for Love

4.1 of 5 stars 4.10 · rating details · 703 ratings · 65 reviews

Renowned visionary and theorist bell hooks began her exploration of the meaning of love in American culture with the critically acclaimed All About Love: New Visions. She continued her national dialogue with the bestselling Salvation: Black People and Love. Now hooks culminates her triumphant trilogy of love with Communion: The Female Search for Love.

Intimate, revealing, p...more

Paperback, 272 pages

Published December 24th 2002 by William Morrow Paperbacks (first published 2002)

more details... edit details

Get a copy:

More…

Friend Reviews

To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up.

Lists with This Book

Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein

Bitches, Bimbos, and Virgins by Gary Svehla

Reality Bites Back by Jennifer L. Pozner

Women & Gender Studies

86th out of 86 books — 11 voters

More lists with this book...

Community Reviews

(showing 1-30 of 1,472)

filter | sort: default (?) | rating details

Apr 08, 2012 Bucket rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: hella-sweet-book-club-read, identity, love, non-fiction, philosophy, psychology, reviewed, sex, women

bell hooks is a feminist theorist and writer and this is part of a group of books she wrote about love. This one examines love from a female perspective, delving deeply into feminist theory, where feminism both succeeded and failed, and the utter importance of learning how to love for everyone (not just women). She discusses the importance of loving yourself before you can love anyone else, and the fact that love cannot exist in patriarchal relationships. She discusses the false idea that women...more bell hooks is a feminist theorist and writer and this is part of a group of books she wrote about love. This one examines love from a female perspective, delving deeply into feminist theory, where feminism both succeeded and failed, and the utter importance of learning how to love for everyone (not just women). She discusses the importance of loving yourself before you can love anyone else, and the fact that love cannot exist in patriarchal relationships. She discusses the false idea that women are naturally more loving, showing how this is part of patriarchy, and argues that everyone can (and must) learn to love, optimally beginning in childhood.

I don't know a whole lot about feminist theory, but what I learned about it here I found fascinating. hooks' treatise on love is passionate and positive, and goes a long way to build up strength and determination in readers.

For the most part, I find her discussion fair and balanced, and rooted in eliminating patriarchy and creating equality for all people. However, there were some early points, especially in the discussion of sex, that seemed off to me. She argues (rightly) that women should be able to say no to their partners, even over extended periods of time. However, a few pages later, she describes a feminist whose male partner has said no to sex with her over an extended period of time and accuses him of withholding sex. Perhaps she is right about the man in this particular case purposefully withholding, but I would argue that women are equally capable of purposefully withholding and men have just as much right to say no, even over extended periods of time.

Her discussion of love is wonderful and, I would say, flawless. She discusses attitudes like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," their roots in patriarchy, and the unfairness of both sides of the coin: teaching women that love and nurturing are their realm and they should accept that men won't get it, and teaching men that strength and silence and dominance are their realm and showing emotion or communicating on a deeper level are emasculating.

All in all, a book worth reading that I never would have picked up on my own. Looking forward to discussing with my book club!

Themes: love, women, feminism, sex, relationships, self-acceptance, equality
(less)

2 likes · like · see review

Jun 03, 2012 Jen rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: feminist-etc, counseling-related

"Choosing love, we affirm our agency, our commitment to personal growth, and our emotional openness.

Saying no to any devaluation and debasement of the female body is a loving practice.

"Everything is bearable when there is love. My wish is that you try to give more people more love. The only thing that lives forever is love." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love is the foundation on which we build the house of our dreams. It's a house with many rooms. Relationships are part of the house, but they are not...more "Choosing love, we affirm our agency, our commitment to personal growth, and our emotional openness.

Saying no to any devaluation and debasement of the female body is a loving practice.

"Everything is bearable when there is love. My wish is that you try to give more people more love. The only thing that lives forever is love." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love is the foundation on which we build the house of our dreams. It's a house with many rooms. Relationships are part of the house, but they are not everything and never could be. The key is balance.

The men who inhabited my dreams were men of feeling.

It has been hard for women to face that abusive men may wield power but not be happy.

Ironically, the feminist movement was and is often portrayed in mass media as creating gender warfare, when the truth remains that the conflict was already happening. Feminist thinking was a solution - a way to resolve differences between women and men . . . If women turning away from abusive patriarchal violence enrages men, intensifying their misogyny, feminism is not to blame.

The path to male self-love is as arduous as the path to female self-love. We all usually have to begin this journey by going back to childhood to do the work of reparenting, to love ourselves rightly.

Seeking guidance so that we can create lives rooted in peace, compassion, and love.

Our goal is to bond within a circle of love, of deep and abiding affections that are inclusive.

Whether we do the work of being an astronaut, a lawyer, or a garbarge collector, or whether we happily choose to be self-employed or a stay-at-home homemaker, wise women know that that self-love will determine the degree to which we will feel fulfilled by any of these tasks.

Mutuality, like love itself, must come through work. Wise women know that the happiest, most fulfilling committed partnerships (legalized via marriage or not) are those in which mutualisty is the core value, in which the spiritual growth and development of each individual matters. Building the emotional space where mutuality can emerge takes time.(less)

like · see review

Apr 03, 2009 Polly Trout rated it 5 of 5 stars

I loved this book. I love bell hooks in general, but happened to read this book at exactly the right time in my life so that it was a profound and transformative experience; it is always gratifying to see my own philosophy laid out in print with articulate grace, and "Communion" was deeply affirming in that way. hooks agrees with Fromm that love is an art form, "an action informed by care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility." hooks says that it is not possible to have love and domination at...more I loved this book. I love bell hooks in general, but happened to read this book at exactly the right time in my life so that it was a profound and transformative experience; it is always gratifying to see my own philosophy laid out in print with articulate grace, and "Communion" was deeply affirming in that way. hooks agrees with Fromm that love is an art form, "an action informed by care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility." hooks says that it is not possible to have love and domination at the same time; we only really love in relationships that honor freedom and equality.

In "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell argues that it takes about 10,000 hours of practice become an expert at something. hooks says that most women only start to really excel at the art of love in midlife, and this has been my experience; only now am I really learning to love myself, and to approach all relationships with an open heart and a deep commitment to acting at all times with care, respect, and responsibility. I am only now beginning to love myself and others with deep knowledge of what it means to be human.

hooks talks about how hard it can be for powerful, self-actualized women to find powerful, self-actualized men who are deeply committed to equality and freedom for women, and that this means that women need to learn to thrive regardless of whether they have a partner, rather than counting on a partner to meet their emotional needs. We need intimacy, but we don't need partnership; we need community, and a circle of love, and friendship. Like hooks, I've learned to find all the love I need in spiritual practice and community, and while I long for an intimate romantic partnership, I know I will be OK without it. She also recommends what she calls "romantic friendship" as a healthy way to establish intimacy, friendships that are not sexual but energized by Eros. This has been my experience the last few years, as I've learned to have nonsexual friendships with extraordinary men that are emotionally intimate, safe, and inspiring.

She writes, "Self-love is always risky for women within patriarchy. Females are rewarded more when we experience ourselves and act as though we are flawed, insecure, or especially dependent and needy. A woman who does not learn how first to fulfill her psychological needs for acceptance will always operate from a space of lack. This psychic state will make her vulnerable and will often lead her into unhealthy relationships. Although it is risky, when we are self-loving, our growing contentment and personal power sustains us when we are rejected or punished for refusing to follow conventional sexist roles."

More great quotes:

"Personal integrity is the foundation of self-love. Women who are honest with themselves and others do not fear being vulnerable. We do not fear that another woman can unmask or expose us. We need not fear annihilation, for we know no one can destroy our integrity as women who love."

"Powerful women reveal psychological wholeness when we refuse to embrace any type of thinking that suggests we should or must choose success over love. Powerful, self-loving women know that our ability to take care of our emotional needs is essential, but this does not take the place of loving fellowship and partnership. Many single successful women in midlife feel there are few places where we can talk openly about our desire to have loving partnerships without being seen as desperate or, worse, as needing pity. I found again and again that if I talked openly about the importance of giving and receiving love in my life, especially about my desire to have a partner, there feelings were ridiculed or mocked...They could not accept that a woman could be loving AND passionately committed to work. Unable to see the way these two passions enhance and reinforce each other, they wanted to negate my right to love. Passionate devotion to work has always heightened my awareness of the importance of love. On the desk where I write sits a card with Rainer Maria Rilke's lines stressing the kinship between love and work. With wisdom he writes, 'Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work.'"

"As we leave behind the stuff of the past that is mere burden, the relationships that bind rather than set us free, as we experience a change of heart, we develop the inner strength necessary to journey on the path to love, to make our search for love be a grand life adventure and a profound spiritual quest. Along the way we do find soul mates, true friends, life companions. We find communion. Another great wisdom gift that women offer to those who have not yet discovered its pleasures is the wisdom that it is better to know the joy of dancing in a circle of love than to dance alone. While a romantic partner and/or soul mate may bring us joy, we add that joy to love already shared with all those who are truly primary in our lives -- the circle of people to whom we turn, who turn to us -- knowing that they will find us eternally there. No matter how sweet the love between two people, we ask too much if we demand that this relationship and this one other person be 'everything.' The truth we hold close is that 'love is everything.' And because love has this power, it is always there within us, within those we love. It offers to us the possibility of ongoing communion."

From my father, I learned to mistake emotional attachment coupled with abuse for "love." It has taken me a very long time to unlearn that at my deepest and most visceral levels. It is exhilarating to be entering the second half of my life knowing how to love and be loved, and being able to distinguish love from desire. I am so grateful for my community and circle of friends for teaching me how to love.(less)

3 likes · like · see review

Jan 29, 2013 Emilia rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: read-in-2013

I picked this book up on a whim after poking around in the library's gender studies section. Since I've never read much feminist literature at all, I decided to read it as I'd heard many good things about bell hooks & her writing from Rookie and various other feminist blogs.

That being said, I think this book is a pretty good introduction to the social issues that affect women, especially in their search for love. Among its topics, hooks discusses the importance of self-love, of love between both friends, partners, and family, as well as the sexual liberation movement and the struggle to eliminate girl-hate. In lovely, pristine prose, hooks describes the relevance of these issues with both personal anecdotes and quotes from other celebrated feminists (and anti-feminists).

Though I loved how hooks described self-love as the first step to finding love with others, there were parts of the book I found problematic. It bothered me a little that she often talked about the negative side of things. For example, when discussing love between mothers and daughters, she seemed to only mention the toxic relations that these women can sometimes have, instead of devoting time to discussing the importance of either growing and learning from those experiences, or women who had never had real problems with their mothers. (However, this may just be because I've always had a very good relationship with my mother, so I find it difficult and saddening to read about girls who have not been so lucky as I in that respect.)

But the chapter that most bothered me on a personal level was the chapter that talked about romance between two women. What concerned me was that hooks seemed to have been under the impression that it is a 'choice' to be attracted to women. While I realize that yes, it is a choice to choose to pursue a relationship with a man/woman/etc, it's not in any way a choice to feel the sexual attraction in the first place. The whole chapter struck me as oddly trite and rather untruthful.

However, I'm very glad I read this book. I will certainly be reading other books by bell hooks, as well as other feminist writers, in the future.

(less)

like · see review

Jan 02, 2012 Urban Crow rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: radical, love, non-fiction, feminism

hooks is not only an activist for change, she is an activist and a believer in the right to and power of love - and her recent trilogy on the subject explores this eloquently. when i was in california back in february, a friend recommended these to me, and i’m so glad. definitely these are some of the best and most progressive books i have read on defining, understanding, and looking for love within the patriarchal morass we often find ourselves in. love, she posits, is subverted by popular noti...more

like · see review

Jun 25, 2011 feathers rated it 3 of 5 stars

i wish i could give this book to a younger version of myself because it states so plainly a lot of things i took too long to figure out for myself. that is to say, i really like and appreciate what she's saying here, but i think i read it about 5 years too late? even so, there is much here to chew on. hooks makes the important, oft understated, point that patriarchy keeps men AND women from really knowing and loving themselves. self-love as a foundation for honest, non-dominating relationships i...more

1 like · like · see review

Jan 06, 2013 Kelechi rated it 4 of 5 stars

bell hooks remains, to me, an irreplaceable voice in the discourse of feminism and love.
Through hooks, I have gained more insight into the areas of conflict present in my understanding of love and my relationship towards love. Her writing has introduced me to the idea of non-sexual romantic relationships and it just all makes sense, like, all of it.
I appreciate her insistence that men and women are not from different planets and the commitment she shows towards the disparaging holds of "gender...more

2 likes · like · see review

Oct 28, 2009 Amanda rated it 4 of 5 stars

A woman conducts a library tour for her lover from far away. All blue hair and fuzz they are together. bell hooks I read. I read some bell hooks I gush. Tell me one thing you got out of it. You don't fall in love, you choose it. I don't fall in love. I don't need to fall in love. I can choose to fall in love. That's what he has been sayin'! I am love. I am a lovebian.

This has a lot for middle age women. I decided not to quit Christmas because I want to give this book as a present to my mom. Is i...more

like · see review

Sep 16, 2007 Jamia rated it 5 of 5 stars

bell hooks always has the elixer when my soul needs healing....i have read many of her books during times when i have felt shattered and scattered... and her words have been the glue that has helped get me back together... last night i delved back into the chapter "gaining power, losing love" at 2 am... i remember how much i loved it when i first read it... and its healing power holds firm today... hooks makes no excuses... she doesn't just accept things the way they are. she knows that without...more

like · see review

Dec 26, 2011 Carolyne rated it 5 of 5 stars

If you like feminist theory/thinking, this is definitely a great read, and written by one of the best. bell hooks critiques the concept of ‘love’ from a feminist perspective as well as her own personal stories. Even though women’s liberation has made it possible for women to enjoy power, jobs and money, so many women are stuck in relationships that are either love-less or un-loving, and often consciously or sub-consciously accept subordination when it comes to loving men. Why? She urges men and...more

like · see review

Feb 11, 2008 Afrose rated it 4 of 5 stars

Communion threw some heavy truths at me; some things that seemed obvious on the page but when juxtaposed against my life, sort of shocked me out of my body. The last few chapters were extremely useful, as they explored different ways to be in relationship with other people. The chapter on Romantic Friendships talks about a kind of partnership where two women build a life together that isn't sexual, and yet they share a home and plan their lives together. This was a beautiful way for me to descri...more

1 like · like · see review

May 15, 2009 Andrea Dowd rated it 1 of 5 stars

Total self-help, self-awareness dribble for the middle-aged and near-post-Second-Wave feminism. I was very disappointed in bell hooks and the whole "the journey to love is self-love", it's been done, give me something new to use. Oh, that and the book has more to do with finding and realizing love in your 40s and beyond, not really something of use for those of us under 40.

Just don't read this.

like · see review

Jun 26, 2012 Winston Scarlett rated it 2 of 5 stars

I understand it wasn't written for me, but I get a contrived feel from this one. As if an editor said we have you contracted for three books, so pop the final one out: it didn't really expand much upon All About Love (one of my favorite hooks books).

If you haven't read All About Love, I'd say read it. If you have, you may be a little disappointed here.

like · see review

Jun 29, 2012 Rianna Jade rated it 4 of 5 stars

Instead of reading books that insist men are from mars and women are from venus, this should be required reading for all. bell hooks skillfully powers through the myths and unequal paradims in heterosexual relationships. This book above all will teach you that your greatest power is learning that you can save yourself, love yourself and be everything for you. bell also sheds light on romantic friendships, lesbian love and being a witness to love. Communion, where we share and experience with eac...more

1 like · like · see review

Apr 23, 2011 Meredith rated it 3 of 5 stars

this book has been incredibly uncomfortable for me to read so far, but perhaps that is what will ultimately make it great. i have so many tangential reactions to her writing that the reading is very slow-going. lately, i have been thinking a lot about my own changing feminisms and whether my growing comfort with identifying as a woman despite all the accompanying 3rd wave sass makes me less of a "radical" (and wtf would that signify anyway?). i think some of my discomfort stems from the fact tha...more

like · see review

Jun 14, 2009 Jung rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: feminists, women in or outside of relationships, people interested in the social politics of love

This was my first bell hooks book and I loved it. Her critique of feminism's failure to include love in its revolution and the wisdom she's gained from living and loving through the women's lib movement was insightful and interesting. It's the 3rd in her series of books on love and I can't wait to read her other ones--they're very popular as there's a waiting list at the library!

like · see review

Jul 10, 2009 Vrinda rated it 5 of 5 stars

Read this, read this, read this! Wow, what a brilliant, inspiring, empowering, phenomenal book from the amazing bell hooks. She offers a powerful critique of life and relationships within a context of patriarchy (where domination and submission exist, where aging is tragic), and describes powerful relationships of equality -- rich and satisfying with love, respect, knowledge, commitment, communication, and caring. Talks about inter-female relationships, heterosexual relationships, lesbian relati...more

like · see review

Jan 14, 2009 Kim rated it 5 of 5 stars

I've read some of bell hooks stuff before but I really really enjoyed this book. She gives my feminist inclinations solid ideas to stand on. Beautifully written. Great for female intellects.

like · see review

Mar 29, 2013 Katie G rated it 5 of 5 stars

A friend recommended this to me specifically for the chapter on romantic friendships, and she was right. I'd give this book 5 stars for that chapter alone, but I was enthralled throughout.

like · see review

Jul 03, 2012 Heavenlyypoet added it

This book allowed me to trace some of the roots connected to a few family issues in my life. Now that I have a platform, I can move forward.

like · see review

Oct 05, 2007 Fauzia rated it 5 of 5 stars Recommends it for: anyone. any woman. any time. anywhere.

Shelves: my-political-reads

"I looked for love, but I found freedom. And the freedom I found changed my way of thinking about the place of love in a woman's life. I began to see that the proper place for love in a woman's life was not relational love as the source but love generated in the quest for self-realization. By claiming that quest as essential, as the proper place for love was as the solid foundation on which I would invent self and create a life. Uniting the search for love with the quest to be free was the cruci...more

like · see review

May 24, 2010 Sarah marked it as to-read

i read both of her memoirs a few years ago and keep thinking back to this book! re-read!

like · see review

Jul 08, 2010 Mychael rated it 2 of 5 stars

Insightful read, interesting stuff. I'm just not sure I would ascribe to it necessarily.

like · see review

Jan 04, 2010 Jeanine Marie Swenson rated it 5 of 5 stars

What an excellent and thorough examination of the rich feeling called love.

like · see review

Oct 16, 2012 Malaka rated it 4 of 5 stars

good with some pitfalls, like conflating identities of sex & gender.

like · see review

Mar 08, 2009 Liz rated it 4 of 5 stars

Food for thought. Lots and lots of food for thought.

like · see review

Feb 15, 2008 Heather rated it 5 of 5 stars

On a different wave than "Captivating," this book changed my life even more. I read it at a time when I needed to learn to value my self-worth and open up to love from different people in my life. Within a month of reading it, I met my now fiance. I believe this book opens up your energy to receive the kind of love that you're looking for. You may not agree with all of bell hook's ideas (liberal), but it can reach you in the deep recesses of your soul. It helps explain why relationships (family,...more

like · see review

Nov 17, 2011 Hellaliz rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book changed my life and how I encounter love.

like · see review

Jul 17, 2012 Rachel rated it 5 of 5 stars

Very good read........interesting points....

like · see review

Jul 01, 2011 Molly Gray marked it as to-read

Love bell hooks, but this wasn't my fave.

like · see review

« previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 … 49 50 next »

new topic
Discuss This Book

There are no discussion topics on this book yet. Be the first to start one »

Recommend it | Stats | Recent status updates

combine
Other Editions (1)

Genres

Feminism

31 users

Non Fiction

25 users

Love

8 users

Gender > Gender Studies

5 users

Gender

5 users

Psychology

4 users

Feminism > Womens Studies

4 users

Womens

4 users

Cultural > African American

3 users

Philosophy

3 users

See top shelves...

Readers also enjoyed similar books

About Bell Hooks

bell hooks (born Gloria Jean Watkins) is an African-American author, feminist, and social activist. Her writing has focused on the interconnectivity of race, class, and gender and their ability to produce and perpetuate systems of oppression and domination. She has published over thirty books and numerous scholarly and mainstream articles, appeared in several documentary films and participated in...more

More about Bell Hooks...

Books by Bell Hooks

Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics

Ain't I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism

Teaching to Transgress: Education as the Practice of Freedom

All About Love: New Visions (bell hooks Love Trilogy)

More…

Share This Book

Facebook Twitter Your website

Trivia About Communion: The Fe...

No trivia or quizzes yet. Add some now »

Quotes from Communion: The Female ...

“Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect and trust.” — 133 people liked it

“Think of all the women you know who will not allow themselves to be seen without makeup. I often wonder how they feel about themselves at night when they are climbing into bed with intimate partners. Are they overwhelmed with secret shame that someone sees them as they really are? Or do they sleep with rage that who they really are can be celebrated or cared for only in secret?” — 81 people liked it

More quotes…

title link	preview: Communion: The Female Search for Love
avg rating	preview: Communion: The Female Search for Love Goodreads rating: 4.10 (703 ratings)
small image	preview: click here [close]
med image	preview: click here [close]
BBCode	[url=http://gr-assets.com/book/show/32886.Communion?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book][img]http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1348820498l/32886.jpg[/img][/url] [url=http://gr-assets.com/book/show/32886.Communion?utm_medium=api&utm_source=blog_book]Communion: The Female Search for Love by Bell Hooks[/url]

Communion: The Female Search for Love

Friend Reviews

Community Reviews

Share This Book

Share This Book on Your Website